Need
Need
by Nicole K
TITLE: Need
AUTHOR: Nicole K
EMAIL: nakeegan@hotmail.com
CATEGORY: Sam and Jack
SPOILERS: 100 days, First Commandment
SEASON / SEQUEL: Season 3
RATING: PG
CONTENT WARNINGS: Language
SUMMARY: Sam's thoughts after 100 days
STATUS: Complete
ARCHIVE: Heliopolis
DISCLAIMER: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. We have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the authors. Not to be archived without permission of the authors.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Just thought I'd say I haven't actually seen 100 days so if this is completely way off track, tough. One other thing, this is the first fic I've actually finished, probably because everything else I write could fit the category of 'never-ending saga' and by the time they even resemble a story I've written 60 pages and lose inspiration. ANYWAY, you can have those when the gaps are filled in, but for now, on with the story....
Home. Bath. Sleep. Three things I desperately needed right now, apart from perhaps an earth-shattering apology and a shoulder to cry on. It's not often I admit I need support from somewhere, but tonight I do. Either that or a good glass of wine. Well, tonight's hand's down winner is the readily available Mr Chardonnay, because I sure as hell *don't* expect an apology to magically appear, and Janet's on duty.
My brain had been switching off systematically ever since I returned from Edora, but upon closing my front door I felt utterly drained. For three months I had worked endlessly on that particle beam, only to be treated as though I had merely completed a task as effortless as a triple integral using Fubini's theorem. Well screw him, I thought. Who needs him anyway?
Sighing, I shuffled over to the kitchen, slinging my bag and coat over the back of the couch on my way past. I went through the motions of pouring myself a glass of wine without registering much about my surroundings, and moved towards my stereo. I absently hit the play button and continued on my quest.
I fumbled for the light switch when I reached the bathroom and squinted as darkness disappeared. Stepping towards the bath I leant over and turned on the hot tap. With the amount of time it takes to get hot water in this place, by the time my bath was full the water would be the right temperature. I straightened up, placed my glass on the sink and looked towards the mirror. The reflection I saw didn't even resemble me. I saw a woman with tired, sad eyes instead of blue that usually sparkled. Limp, lacklustre hair framed a haggard face with little colour. I looked like a ghost.
Realising that the bath was full, I leant over and turned off the tap. I stripped, grabbed my wine and lay down in the warm sudsy water. I shut my eyes and listened to the soft music filling my apartment.
"I looked into your eyes They told me plenty I already knew You never felt a thing so soon forgotten All that you do"
Well isn't that the truth. From the moment we returned to Edora I could see he'd changed. Sure, being stuck on a strange, remote planet for three months must have some effect, but I never expected that *we* might have changed. That in three months he could dislodge me from that place I always knew I had in his life. That our whole balance would change.
"In more than words I tried to tell you The more I tried I failed"
For nearly three years I'd been sending signals towards that ungrateful wretch of a man and just how did he respond? I realise exactly how much he *does* mean to me and what does he do? Runs off into the arms of another woman that's what. Well to hell with you Jack, who needs you?
"I would not let myself believe that you might stray And I would stand by you no matter what they'd say I thought I'd be with you until my dying day Until my dying day"
I know that Jack and I have never had a relationship that could be simply defined. But I thought we had trust and faith. Trust that we'd never do anything to hurt the other, and faith in each other's ability. At least that's what I thought. If he'd had faith in me then he wouldn't have given up so easily. It's not like I give up working towards solutions on a regular basis because the task seems insurmountable, is it? I also thought we'd grown a little closer recently, but I was wrong there too. Obviously, if we'd been getting closer, then he wouldn't have taken up with Laira, or whatever her name was.
"I used to think my life was often empty A lonely space to fill You hurt me more than I wold have imagined You made my world stand still"
I enjoy what I do. I find it, well, fun to solve those hugely complex mathematical equations that most people seem to find despair in. I've always managed to find my work fulfilling, but it's just work. I never felt the same completeness in my personal life, not even when I was engaged to Jonas. Although in hindsight, maybe that's not surprising. I've always had friends from work, but I've never really had a *best* friend. Well, now I have several, and it's nice for a change just to be able to tell someone everything. But since I've been working at the SGC I've had more than that. I never used to be able to put a finger on what the difference was, and now that I know what I have, everything's just been shaken up.
I find it hard to believe that I didn't realise for so long that I loved Jack. Maybe knowing might not have made much of a difference, after all I'm not stupid enough to throw away my career on someone who may not have felt the same way. But even if we weren't *together* I still feel as though I've been cheated and betrayed. Two things I *never* thought would be inflicted on me by Jack O'Neill.
"And in that stillness there was a freedom I never felt before"
Freedom, schmeedom. The only thing I feel courtesy of this escapade is a huge scraping ache in my chest. Kind of like someone's been digging at me with an extremely blunt spoon.
"I would not let myself believe that you might stray And I would standby you no matter what they'd say I thought I'd be with you until my dying day Until my dying day"
As the music fades I lean my head back. Who needs you Jack? Certainly not me, I think.
But I do.
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