No More Excuses
No More Excuses
by Nancy Claycomb
TITLE: No More Excuses
Author: Nancy Claycomb
Email: nancy_claycomb@hsb.com
Category: Thoughts, Romance
Pairing: Daniel/Sam
Spoilers: : Forever in a Day, Children of the Gods, Holiday, Prisoners possible small ones for others
Season: 3
Rating: PG
Content Warnings: none
Status: Completed
Summary: Daniel and Sam each admit something to themselves
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. We have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the authors. Not to be archived without permission of the authors.
Author's notes: Alright, I admit it. Even after everything that has happened, I still think that Daniel and Sam are perfect for each other.
Major Samantha Carter:
------------------------------
"Oh, God."
The words are out of my mouth before I can stop them. The Colonel and I broke our necks and shot at just about everything in and out of our sights to get here. What we saw stopped us dead in our tracks. After three years of constant searching, Daniel doesn't have to look anymore.
I barely have the courage to look at him. All of his hopes and dreams are dying right there in front of him and I can't do anything to help him.
He deserves so much better than this. Anyone with his courage and intelligence has the right to a better life than he has had.
All he wanted was to have a normal childhood with loving parents but he lost that. Then what he wanted was to be left alone on Abydos to live a peaceful, happy life with his wife and new family, after one short year he was forced to abandon that. What he wanted most in the world, next, was to find his wife and save her from the nightmare she was forced to live. Well, he found her and her nightmare is over, but this certainly isn't the fairy tale ending he deserved.
Oh, God
He isn't moving. If I didn't know him, I would think that it was the after effect of the ribbon device. But I've known him for three years now and I've seen him bounce back from all sorts of physical problems: brain extractions, deep bleeding gashes in his legs, torture, addictions, death. He's come back from all of them. I've never seen anyone with his tenacity. Even when he should be in tremendous pain, he can ignore it and do whatever needs to be done. Oh, some things take longer than others to recover from, but he's always come back. Give him a few cups of coffee, make sure he gets a little rest and food, and he is fine.
It's the emotional wounds that take longer for him. I saw how he put himself through hell when Sha're was first taken, trying so hard not to sleep so he could keep the nightmares away. I saw the hopeless look in his eyes when he thought that he betrayed his wife and marriage with Hathor and again with Shyla. I know that he was hurting as much as I was throughout the whole horrific incident with Cassie. Actually, he was probably hurting more than I was. I've been trained so that I can, supposedly, deal with situations in a detached manner. As I told him, sometimes I forget that he isn't military; he feels everything. His empathy for people is amazing: in any situation he will turn himself up, down and all around to see things from other people point of view.
I'm not sure how he will ever make it though this one.
I take a few steps closer to make sure he really is physically all right. His eyes, which are normally so blue and bright with excitement, are dull and unfocused. His breathing is regular except for the gasps that escape every now and then.
I feel I have to do something, so I drop down on the ground next to him and place my hand gently on his shoulder. I give a slight squeeze to remind him that we are there with him, and ever so slowly his eyes seem to focus on me. We have always been able to know what Daniel is thinking by his eyes and right now I am almost frightened to meet his gaze. I'm afraid that I won't be able to stand the pain that I know that I will be able to see there.
For as long as I have known him, Daniel's mission in life has been to find Sha're. That was the only reason he returned with us through the Stargate that day. On that day, Sha're joined a growing number of a list of people who had left Daniel during his life. She was one person that he thought he could find and bring back, so he wouldn't be alone again. I have to make sure that he knows that he will never be alone again, even without her.
The first time I met Daniel, I watched as Sha're gave him a kiss that most definitely marked him as her territory. I got the message all right. Whatever sparks may have been thrown when we first met by the DHD, I knew would have to be extinguished. I did find it slightly harder to douse those embers over in the cartouche room when we just ....connected.
All my life I had felt out of place because I could outthink most of the people around me. I was so ready to prove that my track record was still in tact, even with the man everyone at the SGC called 'the genius'. Just as I felt I had to prove that I was Colonel O'Neill's physical equal, I felt everyone needed to know that I was Dr. Jackson's mental equal. When he began to speculate about the possibility of other Stargates, I was ready to jump on him and disprove his theory, without even hearing the whole thing. Here was someone, however, who could not only keep up with me, but was actually ahead of me. Okay, he might not have known all of the fancy terms that I knew, but he definitely had the theory right about the "planets drifting apart," without having any of the background I had. Damn, I should have been able to figure that out.
I was awestruck: Brains and looks! Wow!
"I knew I'd like you," was all that I was able to get out.
Whoops, off limits.... Sha're...Kiss...*Married! * I reminded myself.
I feel Daniel slowly stirring under my touch and the movement brings me back to the present. He's trying to maneuver into a position in order to sit up. He reaches out and grabs my free hand to help support him in the endeavor. His grasp is firm, and even after he is able to sit up he continues to hold onto my hand almost as if he were using me for a lifeline.
I try to brace myself and clear my eyes of any emotion. Daniel is so tuned into other people's emotions that he doesn't need any additional pain from me. I can't let him see that I am frightened. Daniel was only with the SGC to find Sha're. Without that mission in his life I'm worried he won't stay with us anymore. He has never seen his own value in the program, He would assume that the whole program would just continue without him, and nothing would change. He couldn't be more wrong. The SGC needs him to remind us that this has to be more than a military operation. We would have never gotten where we are, or had the allies we have, without him - his knowledge, his language skills or his values.
Finally, I feel brave enough, or stupid enough, to meet his stare. The pain I had expected to see is there, but there is also something deeper that I can't quite read. His eyebrows are knit together like he is trying to work something out in his mind. Almost immediately, he shakes his head as if he is clearing his own thoughts and then he locks his gaze with mine to silently ask me if I am all right.
Since I met Daniel, there has been a link, a bond almost, between us. I've never been able to keep anything from him. Stupid things like the last cup of coffee in the pot at three in the morning when I most desperately need it, I end up sharing with him. Then of course, there are also the really important things. I share things that I would never feel comfortable telling anyone else. All about my engagement and my father and brother, he's heard it all. I've come to rely on him to be my counselor, professor, analyst and conscience. I honestly don't think that I could have made it through the last three years without him.
I squeeze his hand, as much to reassure me as him that we are all okay. In that touch, I try to convey the message that as long as we are together everything will be okay. Wait, that didn't come out right. Together as a team, yeah, that's what I meant, all four of us, together, not just the two of us, together. Of coarse that's what I meant.
Yeah, right.
I continue to stare at him for a moment, lost in those blue eyes. Slowly, however my focus shifts to the lifeless form lying behind him.
Oh, God,
What will my excuse be now for not falling in love with him?
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Dr. Daniel Jackson:
-------------------------
Whoa, what was that?
I'm so confused. I think... no... I know that Sha're is dead. And that....oh yeah, headacheSum. bad headache.
The first thing that is really clear to me is that Sam is kneeling on the ground next to me. I feel her hand on my shoulder, offering her support. With Sam I know that it will be emotional as well as physical support. So many times since we met it seems like she has been the first face I see when I regain consciousness. The very first mission to Chulak, after Amonet knocked me out, I when woke up in Apophis' dungeon, she was the one next to me. I also remember her when Machello left me in his aged, weakened body, pleading with me to hold on. After Vishnar almost killed me on Hadante, she was there holding my hand. And then again....., well, way too many times to remember, actually. Especially, with the headache I have.
I stop before I find myself complaining too much. I guess a brain-splitting headache is definitely better than actually having your brain split. This was a little too close for comfort.
I lie still for a moment trying to gather what is left of my brain into a functioning unit. Slowly, I try to gather my thoughts and figure out where I am. It seems as though I was just in many places, experiencing many things, but I know that's impossible. I know that I have been here in this tent for a long time.
I figure I've died about as many times as anyone who's still around to talk about it. Usually, I mostly just remember massive quantities of pain, then nothing, and then being alive again. I've heard stories that when people are dying they see flashbacks of their life. Personally, that's never happened to me, but this whole near death was like none I've ever faced before. No, it wasn't flashbacks this time, more like flash forwards. Pictures about what my life could be like if I wasn't careful. I think that Sha're was trying to tell me something as Amonet was trying to kill me. She was taking care of me when she died, just as she did in life. She was making sure that I would be all right and continue on without her.
Sha're finally got the message through to me about forgiving Teal'c. I have come to rely on Teal'c's presence more then I care to admit. I know that he feels responsible for me on missions, and as much as I tell him that I can take care of myself, I find it comforting to know that he is there. Sha're must have felt that during the time we were together for our far to brief reunion on Abydos. She would have known that even though it would be hard for me to forgive Teal'c a second time, it would be even harder for me to *not * forgive him. He has become an integral part of my life. He has taught me so much about honor and loyalty and I have come to value his knowledge and friendship. I know he would have done anything in his power to save me the pain of losing my wife, but in the end, it was her life or mine, and for him there was no choice. I was his friend. The least can do is forgive him, the most I can do is to continue to be a friend back to him.
The message about the baby was a little harder for me to get. I couldn't quite figure out what she was trying to tell me. At first, I thought she just wanted me to stay with the SGC. There is so much good that can come out of it; so much that we can learn, about our past as well as our future. She was right, though. I would have thought that those things would have continued whether I was there or not; the SGC would go on without me. Finally, though, she was able to finish the importance of her son. Sha're had known that I would do anything to keep him safe for her sake. He was my wife's son, one that I had delivered. No child deserves to be an orphan, no matter who his parents are. But she wanted to make sure that I knew he was important to the universe, not just to me. Now I know not only of the importance of her child, but where to find him as well.
I let my mind wonder for a moment, trying very hard not to over-analyze another message that Sha're sent to me.
'I'll miss Carter.'
The words keep coming back to me no matter how hard I try to ignore them. Out of everything that happened in that whole weird vision/dream/prophecy/whatever, I keep remembering admitting that to Jack. Worst of all, I remember the empty feeling in my stomach when I said it.
I'll miss Carter.
Of course I would. We have worked very closely on many different projects ever since I got back to the SGC. Even though she's military, she's a scientist first. I'll never forget when we were doing tests on those crystals we found: She was breaking rules as fast as I was to find some answers. Sometimes I think that she's the only one who understands how I feel about new things. Our fields of interest may be totally different, but our reactions are the same.
Her mind is amazing. Even though she disagreed with me at first over my theory in the cartouche room, she jumped right into my thought pattern and then took the idea even further than I would have ever been able to. I had almost a full year to think about my idea and develop my hypothesis. She was up to speed with me in less than a minute. I don't think that I've ever met anyone who could connect to my ideas as quickly as she could.
We've become really good friends in the three years that we have known each other. I know that at first Sam was the only one I felt comfortable talking to at the SGC. The first few weeks back on Earth, I pretty much attached myself to her. I felt so lost and out of place. As much as Jack and I are friends, there are certain things that we are just too different about to ever understand each other.
I've tried to be there for her as well. I know for sure that no one else ever knew how she felt dealing with Cassie. No one was around to see the desperation in her eyes. I'm rather sure that I am the only one who knew the complete story between her and Jonas. I also know for certain that she never let anyone else in on her feelings for Nareem or Martoof. Of course, I didn't give her much of a choice by walking in on her with both of them. Okay, my bad timing had a lot to do with those cases, but still...
Why was Sam the first one in my vision that came to see me? Even earlier in my vision when I thought that Sha're was there with me, Sam appeared right over her shoulder. And then there was the hug.... I've hugged Sam a lot since we've known each other, but the one in my dream was different. It was a longer, stronger, 'I don't really want you to go anywhere, so I'm going to make this moment last' hug.
What was Sha're telling me?
I try to think back to the first time that I met Sam on Abydos. I realize now that, at the time, Sha're's arms tightened around my waist. She practically attached herself to me from the moment Jack and the team arrived. I thought that it was strange at the time, Sha're was always so confident. She had known Jack, Kowalski and Feretti, why was she being so shy and clingy now?
It suddenly dawns on me. From that first moment, when Sam started babbling about the DHD, I could see that Sam was beautiful as well as intelligent. Sha're knew that. She was letting Sam know that I belonged to her. The kiss she gave me right before I went to the Cartouche room was a reminder to me.
Jackson you're an idiot. It took you three years to figure that out?
So, what's different now? Why do I keep focusing on those three words?
I'll miss Carter.
Oh, God.
Sha're had known before I did that I was attracted to Sam.
I swear I never thought of Sam that way. Not then, anyway. I was married and I was very much in love with my wife. I know that Sha're knew that. That's why she took the time and the strength to send me a message. I see now that she also was setting me free. I had kept my promise: I found her. Now she was giving me my new mission in life: Forgive Teal'c, find the boy, and get on with my life.....with Sam?
Now there's no excuse not to say it: I'm in love with Samantha Carter.
Now what am I going to do about it?
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