Venus Breaking
Venus Breaking
by Morgan
Title: Venus Breaking
Author: Morgan
Email: morgan@sirensong.co.uk
Category: MissingScene/Epilogue
Episode related: 310 Forever in a day, 506 Rite of Passage, 521 Meridian
Season: Season 5
Pairing: Daniel/Janet
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: character death
Summary: SUMMARY: Missing scenes from "Meridian", from Janet's perspective.
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author(s).
It was a device housing an unstable radioactive variation of naquadah.
There was every reason for Janet to be proud of her team. Emergency procedures were in place for every scenario they were able to anticipate, but no one could ever be certain they were prepared until it happened. Today's emergency was almost routine, compared to some things that happened at the SGC. Almost.
We think his right hand was exposed to the equivalent of over nine grades of neutron radiation resulting from direct contact.
The patient was ushered to a medical isolation room as soon as he stepped through the Stargate. A team was already preparing for decontamination as Janet asked the essential questions. Long training kept her outwardly calm, but the answers shattered her equilibrium. She moved through the procedures automatically, speaking only as necessary. Once, only once, she met her patient's eyes.
Full body exposure of over seven.
It should have been easy. Routine. Except it wasn't.
This was Daniel Jackson.
It's a lethal dose, sir.
Janet had a great team. The decontam. proceeded smoothly, the initial tests were completed and recorded. The room was cleared around them while Janet replaced the bandages on Daniel's right hand. No one asked her why she was doing something she would normally leave to a nurse. No one had to. The last of her team left the room as she finished.
She stepped back, stripping off her gloves. "This room will have to be cleaned, so...um...we'll prepare another...er...room for you. When - "
He interrupted, "You don't have to search for the words to tell me, Janet." Daniel's eyes sought hers as he spoke.
It was all Janet could do to keep the tears from her eyes, now the decontamination was over and they were finally alone. She didn't want him to see her cry, but she couldn't look away. Not today. Not now. Suddenly it was essential to hear everything, see everything. She would never have another chance.
"I know I'm dying." Daniel's voice was steady. He was sitting on the edge of a gurney. He cradled his freshly bandaged hand against his chest.
Janet blinked a few times. It was unprofessional to cry in front of her patient. What about crying in front of your lover? a treacherous voice within her demanded.
Daniel still held her eyes. "I feel..." he began, his voice less certain, "...I feel like I should apologise to you." The barest hint of a smile touched his lips. "Our timing was always lousy, wasn't it?"
Janet found her voice. "Daniel..." She wanted to sound strong, but his name became a sob. She turned away, unwilling for him to see.
Too late, of course.
"Janet. Oh, God."
There was real distress in his voice now. Almost against her will, Janet turned back to him.
"Is it safe for me to touch you now?"
Janet nodded helplessly. She would have told him yes even if it were a lie.
"Then come here." He eased himself down from the gurney, holding out his arms to her.
Janet hesitated, but Daniel came to her. She felt the warmth of his body and his strong arms enfolding her. Still, she resisted. She had no right to this, not now, not on duty! But she needed this. The fingers of his left hand combed through her hair and she rested her head on his chest. A moment. Just a moment.
"I'm sorry, Janet, I'm so, so sorry."
TWO YEARS EARLIER
*As first dates go, this one was wonderful, after the rocky beginning. *
*The evening began badly because Mrs Ellis, who should have been sitting for Cassie, failed to arrive on schedule. Daniel played chess with Cassie while Janet made phone calls and finally, almost an hour late, they were able to leave. From there the evening got better, fast. *
*The restaurant was an out-of-the-way Italian place. It was beautiful: candlelight and roses on every table, a piano played quietly in a corner. Their table was private, and the service was prompt and unobtrusive. Janet asked how he discovered this place and Daniel confessed it was Sam's recommendation. He had no idea where to go for a romantic evening in Colorado Springs. Daniel said he owed her a big favour in exchange for the tip.
The setting was perfect. Janet was more nervous about their date than Daniel seemed to be. _Never thought you'd be dating a married man, did you? What would your momma have to say about this?_
*Janet liked Daniel. Perhaps she liked him too much. She worried that this was...some sort of experiment for him. He could be testing the waters to see if he could date without feeling guilty. Janet knew that was massively unfair to Daniel: he wasn't that cynical. She couldn't shake her insecurity, though. Her past relationships - including her marriage - were a disaster zone.*
*She need not have worried. They agreed on their way to the restaurant that work would be a taboo subject for the evening. Instead, they found other things to talk about. At first they spoke of trivia like movies and novels, later, more personal subjects. Daniel was easy to talk to. Janet rarely opened up so completely to anyone: it wasn't in her nature. It was almost a shock to discover how easily he drew confidences from her. He was comfortable enough to share with her, too. He talked about the year he spent on Abydos, and the family he left behind there. He avoided mentioning his wife, but that didn't surprise her. Sha're was still out there...somewhere.*
*A waitress was serving their desert, when Daniel's cellphone shrilly interrupted their evening. He glanced at the display, checking the caller's number, and met her eyes worriedly. *
*"It's Jack," was all he said, before answering the call. "Daniel Jackson...no, I'm not at home, Jack..." He rolled his eyes irritably. Then his expression became abruptly serious. "Abydos? What...?" Silence, then: "Okay. I'll be there as soon as I can. Might be an hour." He put the phone down. *
Janet forced a smile. "That's a switch. Usually it's the doctor who gets paged away from a date."
Her smile wasn't returned. "They got an SOS from Abydos. Sh- I mean, Amonet showed up with an army of Jaffa and abducted half the village. Including Khasuf and Sha're's son."
*Amonet. Sha're. Abydos. No, there was nothing to smile about in there. The only thing she could say was, "Oh." Very eloquent. *
*"I have to go, Janet. I'm sorry. Do you want me to take you home?"*
She shook her head. "No. If the Colonel is going to take a team after an army of Jaffa I'd better come with you."
That, at least, earned her a quick smile. "You're not exactly dressed for work."
She wasn't. A black dress, short enough to be considered daring, and low cut enough to be sexy, would certainly get her noticed in the infirmary - and not in an ideal way. It wasn't important. She kept a change of clothing in her office, permanently. You could never predict accidents at the SGC, and it only took one time when she had to drive home in uniform because it was all she had left to wear for her to learn that lesson. Janet returned his smile, weakly. "I can change when we get there."
*Daniel nodded. "Okay. If you're sure." He squeezed her hand gently. "I'm sorry, Jan," he said, emphasising each word. *
She understood he wasn't apologising for the phone call. There was nothing more to say, really. Daniel wasn't going to give up searching for his wife. Loneliness and a growing belief in the futility of his mission might allow him to date another woman, but the moment Sha're's name was mentioned... Janet knew where his heart really lay. Not with her.
*Perhaps that was why she wanted to go to the SGC with him: a reluctance to let the evening end on that negative note. *
But it had to end.
*And twenty-four hours later, it did end. Ended with Daniel in her infirmary - again. And Daniel's wife in her morgue.*
Our timing has always been lousy. God, truer words were never spoken! Their first date: the day before Teal'c killed Daniel's wife. After that, their barely-begun relationship was doomed. It was a year later, on a plane to Cairo, when they finally talked it out honestly. That trip ended in near-disaster, too, with Osiris' escape from Earth. That time, it was Janet who backed away from the relationship, unwilling to open her heart a second time. Daniel refused to leave it at that, though, and through slow persistence persuaded Janet to let him try again. No ex-girlfriends, or missing wives to contend with. Just him, Daniel.
And now, just as she let herself love him again...
His fingers left her hair, sliding beneath her chin with infinite gentleness, tilting her head up. Janet's eyes were closed - the only way she could hold back the tears. For a moment the tableau held, and Janet was certain he was about to kiss her. Instead he raised his hand, brushing away her tears.
"Janet," he said quietly.
She opened her eyes.
"I need you to help me now."
God, how much more pain could she feel? There was nothing she could do to help him. Nothing! "Daniel, I can't..."
"I know. I know you feel helpless, Janet. I'm not asking you for a miracle, though god knows you've performed them often enough. I just need you to be my doctor. Can you do that?"
Janet pulled away from him then, the words reminding her who she was. Doctor. CMO of a military base. Professional. She straightened her clothing. Swallowed the lump in her throat and blinked away the last of her tears. She nodded resolutely. "Yes. Yes, I can."
"Thank you." Daniel frowned suddenly, raising his bandaged hand to his head. He swayed and Janet hurried to his side, supporting him. Firmly, she led him back the gurney.
"I'll get a wheelchair for you..."
"Don't you dare! I can walk. Please."
"Well..." She fell silent as his eyes met hers again, with a silent plea. "Whatever you want."
He nodded. "What's going to happen to me?"
Oh, Daniel, please don't ask me that.
"Please, Jan. I have to know."
Who was more cruel? Him for making her say those things, or her for saying them? What would happen to him? Everything horrible. Focussing on the question, Janet felt her emotional detachment return as she began to speak. She described, in clinical terms, the damage a massive dose of neutron radiation would do to a human body. Daniel asked questions. Janet answered them.
She saw him flex his injured hand. "Is it hurting you?" she asked.
"Not as much as it's going to, I guess." For a moment he closed his eyes, and she saw for the first time how much this was costing him.
"Janet...how long?"
Another question she didn't want to answer. "I..." Janet took a deep breath. "From your tests, I think Sam underestimated the amount of radiation you were exposed to. I can't say for sure, but...maybe five hours before your condition becomes really bad. Ten, maybe fifteen hours before...before you..."
"Die."
"Yes."
"I'm...not ready."
"Daniel..."
A too-loud rap on the door interrupted them. Janet turned, already knowing whom she would see there. Colonel O'Neill.
She wanted to be angry. She wanted this time with Daniel. But anger was a luxury she wasn't entitled to. She was a doctor.
She shook her head firmly, indicating O'Neill should stay on that side of the door, then went to speak to him.
SEVEN MONTHS EARLIER
*Janet hugged herself tightly, trying to stop shaking. A part of her mind analysed her own symptoms: tremors, headache, fatigue, and prescribed a strong sedative for herself. She ignored the prescription in favour of staying where she was, shut in her office in the darkness. She had come so close to losing Cassie, it was terrifying. There had been nothing she could do for her daughter...for the most important person in her life. Instead she had to stand by and trust Nirrti to do the right thing. The right thing!*
*The click of the door opening made her turn around. She saw Daniel's silhouette against the light. *
*"Janet? Mind if I turn the light on?"*
*"No."*
Light flooded the room and she blinked. "Is something wrong, Daniel? Cassie?"
*"Cassie's fine," he assured her hurriedly. "Sam's with her." He came the rest of the way into the room, sitting on the edge of her desk. "I wanted to make sure you're okay. You've been through a lot."*
*"I'm fine," she lied.*
*"Sure, that's why you're sitting here in the dark." He reached for her hand. "Talk to me, Janet. Please."*
Janet let him pull her to a standing position. She didn't need to talk. She needed...
*His arms around her, holding her. His voice, softly at her ear, giving permission for her to let go. His hand in her hair, light pressure guiding her head to his shoulder. *
*She held him, feeling her body shaking, letting his strength support her. She didn't cry. That would come later, when she was alone. After a while she lifted her head, feeling better. "I'm so glad you're here," she told him, genuinely grateful. *
*Daniel was still holding her. "Does that mean I'm forgiven?" he asked her hopefully. *
She frowned, confused. "Forgiven? For what?"
*"Cairo. Sarah. Osiris."*
Oh. "There's nothing to forgive. You didn't do anything wrong, Daniel. It was just me being cowardly."
He nodded, understanding rather than agreement. "You had reason."
*"Perhaps." The warmth of his body was so welcome...and he wasn't letting her go.*
*"So...next time I ask you to dinner you might say yes?"*
*"Daniel! What a time to be asking!"*
His mouth quirked in the not-quite-a-smile she knew so well and he had the grace to look a little ashamed. "Well, SG-1 is scheduled for a week-long mission and I thought...well...having you here, in my arms, seemed like a good time to ask. I guess it is inappropriate."
*"No, it's not. Just bad timing. Daniel, ask me again when Cassie is better. Okay?"*
*She was rewarded with a slow, sexy smile. "I will. Count on it." He released her then, stepping away from her. "Feeling better? The General wants your report." *
*With his words, life intruded again, breaking up her brief moment of peace and Janet nodded. "I'm ready." She would report to the General, then take her own prescription and get some sleep. *
Sedatives and painkillers. That's all we can really do. I would never normally say this, it goes against everything I've been trained to do but the truth is he'd be a lot better off if I...
It happens all the time. Doctors increase the dosage of morphine to lethal levels. For a patient who is dying anyway, what difference does it make?
To Daniel...the rest of his life, of course.
Janet entered the isolation room as soon as Sam left the observation deck above. She checked the monitors automatically, but barely registered the readouts. They weren't important.
"Daniel?"
"I'm still here." His voice was hoarse and painful.
"How is the pain?"
"Uh...could be worse." He shifted on the bed. "I want to see you, Janet." He drew a breath; it sounded like an effort. His lungs were beginning to degrade. In a few hours he wouldn't be able to speak at all.
Bandages covered his eyes, and the rest of his body. Janet knew what was beneath all that white gauze. He might not be able to see any more, even if she removed the bandages from his eyes. She positioned a chair close to him and reached for the bandages. The least she could do was try.
The skin around his eyes was raw. "Daniel, are you sure...?"
In answer he opened his eyes. She saw the pupils contract and understood he could see her, if only a little. "Jan..."
"Don't try to talk."
"Why not? What...harm? Now."
She couldn't argue with that. Janet reached for him, resting her hand lightly above his.
"I need to tell you...I love you."
"God, Daniel, talk about lousy timing!" She tried to smile, or laugh, but no longer knew how.
"I know. Shoulda said before."
"You know I love you, too."
"Yes... You'll be alright, Janet. I know this...is hard...but you're strong. And...when...when it's over..."
"Daniel, don't."
"Have to. Please. When it's over...remember I love you. And...please make sure Cassie understands."
Cassie? That, Janet hadn't expected. She frowned. "Make sure she understands what?"
"You'll know."
Janet looked up as Sam appeared again. She saw what Sam had in her hand and sudden, impossible hope filled her.
TWO DAYS EARLIER
A Brahms cello concerto was playing softly on the stereo and the balcony doors stood open, letting a warm breeze into the apartment. Janet lay on the couch, her body enfolded in Daniel's arms. They had been lying there for almost an hour, not speaking, occasionally kissing, just listening to the music. When the CD came to an end, neither of them wanted to move.
Into the silence, Janet said, "Do you think you'll ever get married again?" She felt him tense slightly.
*"Isn't it...um...a bit soon to be discussing that?"*
She laughed softly. "Relax, that wasn't a proposal. Just a question."
His body relaxed against hers. "A question, huh? With absolutely no relevance to our current relationship?" He was teasing.
*"Well..."*
Daniel laughed then, kissing her hair. "The truth is, I don't know. I didn't exactly plan to marry Sha're - it just happened. Not that I regret it or anything." He shifted on the couch so he could look down at her face. "If it felt right...if I needed to be with someone that much...then yes. I might marry again. Whether that's you and I..."
Janet covered his mouth with her fingertips. "It's too soon. I know."
Smiling, he kissed her fingers, and his smile turned wicked. "Turn the question around, then. Would you marry again?"
She opened her mouth to give a flippant reply but was stopped by his eyes. He actually wanted a serious answer. Janet shook her head reluctantly. "Maybe...if it felt right, like you said. But I don't see it in my future, Daniel. It's...too much of myself to give away."
*"'The oak and the cypress grow not in each others' shadow.'"*
*"What?" Janet was surprised. She didn't expect poetry from Daniel. *
*"It's from The Prophet. I was reading it earlier today. 'Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping, for only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. Stand together, yet not too near together: for the pillars of the temple stand apart, and the oak and the cypress grow not in each others' shadow.'" He smiled. "In other words, love is good, but losing yourself in someone else probably isn't." His fingertips traced the shape of her cheek. "Is that what marriage means to you? Losing yourself?"*
*"It's what it was like."*
*"I'll try to remember that," Daniel promised. He kissed her, and for a moment that held all her attention. When he drew back, he said, "It's...um...it's getting late. Shouldn't I be taking you home?"*
*"Not tonight," Janet answered. "Not unless you'd rather sleep alone." *
*She half-expected him to miss her point. They spent little enough time together: just managing to get the same nights off work was a mammoth task just lately. When they were able to co-ordinate free time, of course Janet had her daughter to think of. But tonight Cassie was having a sleepover with one of her friends, and Janet had made certain there was adequate cover at the SGC. She had no intention of letting tonight be just another date.*
Daniel's eyes went wide, but he still hesitated. "You're sure?"
Janet rolled her eyes. "Yes, I'm sure. Daniel, why is it so hard to believe that I might want you?" She slid a hand beneath his sweater. "I promise I'll still love you in the morning."
She saw he was startled at that and realised it was the first time she had said it. She opened her mouth to speak but he kissed her again, his hand sliding beneath her clothing. Neither of them said anything more for a long time.
"His condition is grave. I do not know if I can save him. Even if I can, I do not believe I can restore his full healthy state."
"Do what you can."
Was it possible to pray at a time like this? Was there a god out there somewhere that was real and might hear? Oh, god, please. Please.
"Jacob. Stop."
"Are you serious?"
"It's what he wants."
I know. I don't want it to be true, but I know. Oh, love...
"Someone else want to tell me what to do?"
"Just let him go."
*Why? *
Colonel O'Neill unlocked the door of Daniel's apartment while Janet watched. "I've already been through his...stuff," he told her. "You know I had to do that."
Anything that might be considered classified material had to be removed from Daniel's apartment as soon as possible after he died. What wasn't retained by the SGC would be destroyed. Anything remaining in the apartment would be...safe.
"I understand, Colonel," Janet said.
The Colonel pushed the door open, standing back to let Janet enter ahead of him. "There's some...uh...stuff Daniel wanted Cassie to have. I left the box in the kitchen."
"How...?"
"He told me. Before he went on that mission for the Tok'ra. No one was sure he'd come back from that one, so he...made plans."
"Oh." The apartment felt cold and empty. Everything was as Daniel would have left it, perhaps a little more neat and tidy than before.
"Doc. I...hell, I really suck at this. But if you need...anything..."
Janet turned to look at him then. There were a lot of people grieving for Daniel. Colonel O'Neill was one of them. He was also the one Sam blamed for Daniel's death, because he told her father to stop trying to heal him. Janet didn't blame the Colonel. Jacob spoke to her when it was all over. He explained - not in detail, because Janet wasn't ready for that - how little he could have helped Daniel with the hand device. Enough to save his life, maybe. Enough to heal him, no.
Of course, saving his life might have been enough. There were other technologies out there that could have... Janet was a medical professional. She could not afford to dwell on maybes and might-have-beens. The facts were all that mattered. Daniel was dead the second he touched that damned device. Nothing could change that.
So she just nodded in response to the Colonel's clumsy offer. "I just need some time, Colonel."
"You - ah - you want me to leave you alone?"
"Yes. Please."
"I'll wait in the car."
"You don't have to wait. I'll call a cab when I'm ready to leave."
He shook his head stubbornly. "I'll wait in the car. If you don't join me before it gets dark, I'm coming to get you."
Who was the doctor here? What right did he have...?
"Doc, you've got a kid at home who needs you right now. I know how hard this is. But I'm not going to let you neglect her."
She bit back an angry retort and nodded. "Yes, Sir."
A few moments later she was alone in the apartment. She walked across the living room. Her shoes sounded very loud on the floorboards. She avoided looking at the couch where she spent her last evening with Daniel - could it really be only a week ago? No, it was less than that. Five days.
Janet was here to collect her things. So many little pieces of her life that she had left in this place over the months just past. Some CDs of music they both enjoyed. Books. A spare set of keys to her home. She glanced at the bedroom door, but knew she couldn't face going in there.
In the kitchen she found everything neat and tidy. The promised box was on the diner: a simple cardboard box with Cassie's name written on the side in Daniel's hasty scrawl.
Daniel planned for this. He planned for his death. It made sense, given the frequently dangerous nature of his work. Even so, the simple practicality of it chilled Janet. Was he so sure death would come? Why hadn't she known?
The box wasn't sealed. Janet opened it and looked inside. Four items lay within: a plastic box of the type used for a card index, two books, and a crisp, white envelope with Janet written on it. She set the envelope aside and opened the index box.
It contained a collection of photographs. Janet flicked through them, s slight frown creasing her forehead. She didn't recognise anyone in the pictures, or any of the places. Then she did recognise it, and understood. The photographs were from the first visit SG-1 made to Cassie's home planet, before the plague that wiped out everyone there. Cassandra's people, preserved for her.
She opened the first book, able to guess, now, what it would be. Daniel's handwritten journal of his two visits to P8X-987. She read a few pages at random, appreciating the detail he put into the journal: all his impressions of the people and their world. It was, she realised abruptly, the only surviving record of Cassie's race.
Daniel, himself orphaned in childhood, wanted Cassandra to have this. How like Daniel to think of this! How like him to plan it and tell no one.
Would she be able to give this to Cassie, though? Technically, this was classified material. Janet remembered that the Colonel had already been through the apartment, and wondered.
A lump beginning to form in her throat, Janet opened the envelope addressed to her and extracted a single sheet of paper. The letter was handwritten.
Dearest Janet,
I have no idea what you'll be thinking if you ever read this. This "letter from beyond the grave" thing is so clich,; Jack will never let me forget it. Sometimes we leave so much unsaid. I hope you never have to read this letter, Janet, I really do.
*I hope you're not hurt because I left something to Cassie not to you. This is something I wanted to give to her when she's a little older. If you're reading this, I guess I won't be getting the chance, so it's up to you. Do look through the box, Janet (it's nothing personal or private) and if you think she's ready to understand, pass this on to her. I made Jack swear he'll pretend this stuff doesn't exist - he agrees with me that Cassie will need it someday.*
*To you, Janet, I can only leave what you already have. *
All my love,
*Daniel. *
The last item in the box was a slim, leather bound book. It looked like a presentation edition. Janet saw the title and felt a strange lurch in her heart. It was The Prophet.
She carried the book with her into the living room and sat down on the couch. Daniel quoted something from The Prophet the last time they were together, she remembered. Something about love being like trees. Janet flicked through the pages, looking for the half-remembered words.
Her eye fell on a different passage:
Forget not that I shall come back to you.
A little while, and my longing shall gather dust and foam for another body.
Her vision blurred and she could read no further. Closing her eyes, Janet leaned back into the soft leather of the couch.
The silence of the apartment enfolded her and she slept.
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