What Matters
What Matters
by Miran Anders
Title: What Matters
Author: Miran Anders
Email address: cdh@acsu.buffalo.edu
Status. finished
Category: Angst, Romance, Future S/J
Spoilers: none
Ratings: PG
Summary: After fighting to be together, Sam and Jack find marriage difficult.
Disclaimer: Stargate Sg-1 and its characters are the property of Stargate (II) Productions,
Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. This story is for entertainment purposes only and no money exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author. This story may not be posted elsewhere without the consent of the author.
Dr. Annaliese Richards sat comfortably, sinking into a soft leather chair in her office. A well-worn clipboard rested next to a large mug of herbal tea on the table at her side. Across from her, sitting on a matching sofa, was a young woman with short blonde hair, playing nervously with the hem of her plush blue sweater. She looked young for the rank listed on the clipboard.
"So, Major Carter. What brings you here today?"
Sam sighed. "Well, Doctor," she paused, took a deep breath and let it out again. "I'm having a difficult time with my husband."
"Please, Major, you can call me Anna. We're not that formal here."
Sam smiled briefly. "Call me Samantha. Or Sam. Everyone does." Dr. Richards smiled in return and made a note on the clipboard.
"Thank you, Samantha. Such a lovely name. Lyrical." Sam looked at her and blinked.
"Really? I never really liked it much."
"Is that why you use 'Sam'? Would you prefer...?"
"No, no... I guess it is a nice name." She shook her head. "It's funny how your taste changes over the years, isn't it?"
"I suppose it's easier for 'Sam' to be one of the guys."
Major Carter frowned. "Do you think that's why I use it? To fit in?"
Dr. Richards smiled easily. "Usually, it's for 'the guys'. Then they don't have to think of you as a woman. It can make things difficult in the military if the differences between the sexes are pointed out, and the name game is an easy one." Sam relaxed a little and nodded. "Besides, you wouldn't believe how long it took for me to forgive my mother for 'Annaliese'." She chuckled, and her smile spread to Sam, who found herself relaxing again.
Dr. Richards glanced over at her clipboard again. "Your husband is Colonel O'Neill, yes?" Sam nodded. "I see. What kind of difficulties are you two having? Sexual?"
Major Carter started. "No, no," she tipped her head and laughed a little. "Ah, no, that's never been a problem."
"Okay."
"It's just that, well." Sam stopped, suddenly feeling the emotions welling up inside her. "It's just that lately, we seem to fight about everything. Stupid things." She sniffed and pressed her hands to her face for a moment. "I guess I'm worried."
Dr. Richards moved a box of tissues to the Major's side on the couch. "You know, it's not uncommon for military couples to have difficulties."
"But I thought we'd make it! I thought we were different." She took a tissue and blew her nose. "And now we've been married eight months, not even a year, for God's sake, and I'm afraid-" She stopped again, unable to go on. "I'm afraid."
The doctor spoke very softly. "Afraid of what?"
Sam took a long, shuddering breath. "I'm afraid that the regulations were right. That people can't be together without it affecting their performance. I'm afraid that I'll do something stupid, that someone will get hurt because of me, that I'll lose my team, that I'll lose Jack." Dr. Richards nodded. "I know that I've been distracted a couple of times on missions lately. It's inexcusable. And I don't know what to do." She looked at the doctor with watery blue eyes. "Is there any hope?"
Anna smiled reassuringly. She had to, it was her job. Still, she knew just how difficult military marriages could be. "Listen, Samantha. I'm not going to lie to you. It's not easy to be married, it's not easy to be in any of the special ops." She nodded as Sam's expression changed to one of concern. "Don't worry, I've got both clearance and doctor-patient confidentiality. What we say stays here." She looked over her half glasses at Sam sternly. "They sweep this room for bugs every morning. I just wish they'd empty the garbage that often." Sam laughed, sniffed, and took another tissue. Anna leaned forward. "You realize that one of the benefits for me, working with the military, is that I can go over your records. You are an exemplary officer, constantly commended for your commitment to duty." Sam managed to look embarrassed and proud at the same time. "So here it is, Samantha Carter, the question of the day: Are you committed to this relationship?"
Sam stared at her, shocked. "Of course I am! What do you mean am I committed? I'm married, aren't I? Isn't that a commitment?"
The doctor waited for her to settle down. "All right. Question two: Are you committed to the Air Force? To SG-1?" Sam nodded, confused.
"Yes, yes, of course. I'm not sure where you're going with this."
Anna looked squarely at her. "Which commitment do you feel most comfortable with? Take a minute, be honest."
Major Carter looked down at the rug, and then at the Georgia O'Keefe painting that hung on the wall. "I guess, right now, the one to the team. I mean, certain officers can make the Air Force difficult, and Jack and I are having problems, so I'd say the team." She twisted the tissue in her hands. "Does that make me a bad person? A bad wife?"
Dr. Richards laughed. "No, no, you're not a bad person or a bad wife. I'm curious, though. Colonel O'Neill is part of SG-1, yes?"
"He's my CO."
"Ah. But not your husband?"
Sam made a dismissive gesture. "I don't think of him as my husband when we're on a mission. At least, not usually. When we're on the move or in trouble and he gives an order, I don't have a problem with it. It's when everything's calm that I start thinking about him leaving his damn socks on the floor."
The doctor nodded. "But surely you have disagreements within the team?"
"Well, yes, sometimes. But somehow they don't get as weird as the ones I have with Jack at home. They aren't so..."
"Impossible?"
"Yes. The ones at home seem impossible. They just don't go away. I tell him that the socks on the floor make me crazy, and he says 'okay' and picks them up, but he's annoyed, and I'm annoyed, and it happens again the next day."
"And that doesn't happen with the team?"
She squinted thoughtfully. "Well, I suppose it does. But with the team, it doesn't matter."
"Why not?"
Sam stared at the floor for a while and chewed her lower lip thoughtfully. "I guess it's because we know we're stuck with each other. We know we're going to have to work together and depend on each other for our very lives... so we tend to let things go, or blow up and have them done with." She looked back up at the doctor. "We know that any one of us could walk through that gate and never come back."
The doctor waited for the honest sincerity of that statement to settle. "You say that the team blows up and gets it over with."
"Yes."
"Doesn't it come back the next day?"
"No, because we solve the problem, or we decide it just doesn't matter. We figure out how to work with each other." She looked like she might cry again. "Why can't Jack and I do that at home? I don't understand."
Dr. Richards stood up from her chair. "I think you can. It'll take some effort on your part, but I think you'll be amazed at the difference one person can make." She picked up her mug. "Samantha, can I get you some tea?"
****
Jack O'Neill stood in front of a very organized pile of supplies. "I think we're going to need the weather gear. Matthews said it was really cold." Daniel Jackson, Ph.D. and part-time secretary, nodded as he jotted down the note.
"I'll tell them. Anything else?"
"Excuse me, Sir. Hi, Daniel." Sam was marching down the hall straight at them.
"Hi, Sam. How was...?" Daniel stopped as he realized that Jack might not know, as he did, that Sam had talked to a counselor today. She smiled and took him off the hook.
"Those equations came out better than I thought. I have some good ideas."
"Um... well, good. I'd like to see them."
"Let me work on them a little more, first."
She turned to Jack. "Sir, I know you're busy here, but is there a chance we could have a meeting sometime this afternoon?" Jack raised his eyebrows at her friendly formality. She sounded like she used to, before they got married.
"Oh, I think that can be arranged, Major." He looked at his watch and back at the pile. "How about 1400? My office?"
She nodded once, briskly. "Thank you, Sir."
He looked her over professionally. "You're a little out of uniform." He tried to sound glib, but it didn't quite make it.
"I know. I was off the base, I'm on my way to change."
"I was kidding, Sam. It's a nice sweater."
"Thank you, Sir." She brushed her hand over her sleeves. "And I know you were kidding."Damn. There was a time they didn't have to define what they were saying and how they said it.Daniel busied himself at the other end of the pile, trying very hard not to listen.
Colonel O'Neill stepped closer to her. "Carter... is there anything I should be worried about?" His expression was seriously concerned, but then, it was so often these days.
Sam looked deep into his eyes before she answered. "No, I don't think so."
Standing on her toes she kissed him quickly on the cheek. Then she did a smooth about-face and headed back to her own office. Snapping her fingers, she turned once more. "Oh, Daniel! I found that file. It was archived on the site to 'Samuel' Carter." She looked pointedly at her own chest - which in that sweater looked particularly female - and shook her head. "Go figure!" Daniel laughed and rolled his eyes. With a wave to them both, she was gone.
Jack stared after her. "What was that about?"
"Oh, nothing. There was this file she had saved about the astrophysicists symposium at UCLA, and I was-"
"No, not that. I mean..." Jack stopped. Just what did he mean? That he was surprised that his wife looked happy for a change?
"Ouch."
"You okay? Did you hurt yourself?"
"Maybe. I'll let you know soon." He looked distractedly at the supplies. "Are we done here?"
Daniel saw the pain on Jack's face and hurt for him. "Yeah, I'll just get in the requisition. We still leaving tonight?"
O'Neill nodded and wandered away, lost in thought. "Uh, yeah. 1800 hours."
Daniel watched him go and sighed. It certainly had gotten tense around here lately. He only hoped that it would work out for them both. He shook his head.Who am I kidding. I want it to work out for all of us.The thought that Jack and Sam- who, having finally gotten together, could pull the teamandthemselves apart- was a bit too much to bear.
****
Sam took a deep breath before she knocked on Jack's door. Find out what'sreallywrong, Dr. Ann had said.Thenfind the middle ground that you can both survive on. It was what the team did all the time. Surely she could find a way to do that with the man she loved.Funny. I've walked into life and death situations and not been this nervous.She frowned deeply.Maybe because this feels like life or death...Whapping the base of her palm against her forehead several times, she took one more breath and knocked briskly on the door.
"Come." She opened the door and found her commanding officer looking back and forth with a frown between a pile of forms on his desk and the spreadsheet on his monitor. He looked up at her, distracted, and remembered to smile. "Hey. I'll be done here in a minute. No, who am I kidding. I'll never be done here." The smile faded to a wry grin as he pushed the papers to the side of his desk and looked at her. "I'm thinking of requesting a shift of all paperwork to the second in command of each unit."
Sam blinked at him innocently. "Oh, no sir. I wouldn't dream of usurping your authority. Although, it would give me a chance to get some different equipment..." He raised his hands in surrender and they smiled at each other. Sam shook her head.We haven't goofed around like this in ages. I miss it.
"Actually, sir, if this is a bad time for the meeting, I can come back later."
"Oh, tough choice. You or 'Justification for Lost or Destroyed Equipment Form X665B'. Do you have any idea how many rifles we lost on PXT 437?" She looked at the ceiling for a moment.
"Three. Plus the sidearm that Daniel threw at that cat-thing after he ran out of ammo. And, I if I recall correctly, his pack, too." Jack stared at her.
"You're amazing, do you know that?" She looked startled, and then blushed.
"Well, I just- I mean, um. Thank you, Colonel."
Jack watched her with warmth in his eyes.She's a terrific soldier. She's brilliant. She's got a great sense of humor... and she's my wife."Just amazing." He shook his head. "So what can I do for you, Major, if you're not here to save me from this unending morass of paperwork?"
"Actually, Jack..." she looked into his eyes to see if they could make the switch to partners right here in the complex. "I was hoping to talk to you about us." She saw him stiffen slightly, and remembered not to react to that. She knew it would be tough to talk about it here, butherewas the bridge between them.
"But - you seem so happy."
This timesheremembered to smile.
"And you think maybe talking about us will make me unhappy?" She sighed. "Jack, I know we're having problems. But you mean too much to me to hope that if I ignore the problem it will go away. So we need to talk."
"But now?"
She looked at her watch and pushed some buttons. "Okay, I set the timer for half an hour. That's how long I would expect a meeting to go. After that, no matter what, it waits till we get home."
Her words were brisk and efficient. Jack found himself agreeing on principle. "Okay, Major. You have the floor."
She opened her mouth and closed it, looked down at the desk. "Ironic. Actually, it's about the socks."
"Sam, no, not the socks again. I told you-"
"Excuse me, sir, but I have the floor."
He looked her in the eye, a bit of the commanding fire burning there. "Go ahead."
He sat back in his chair and folded his arms across his chest.Not the most receptive posture. But here goes.
"I do my best to respect every member of this team." She paused, and he frowned.
"I don't think has ever been questioned, Carter." Jack was confused by what seemed to be totally tangential, but she wanted to keep him off balance until she made her point.
"I do my best to obey my commanding officers, to follow orders efficiently and politely. I go out of my way to be easy to work with."
Jack nodded at her. "Agreed. And?"
"And..." she took a deep breath and let it out. "When I get home I don't want to be on duty anymore. I want to feel like an equal, like I'm respected for just being myself."
He stood and came around to her side of the desk. "Sam, I don't think of myself as being in command at home. I don't. And I do respect you." He wanted to reach out to her, but stopped himself. "If I've shown a lack of sensitivity or respect as your CO, I'm sorry. I don't understand the problem."
"No, Jack, you're a great CO. You listen, you appreciate my input, but you have the last word. That's your job." She pushed back her hair and remembered to breathe. "At home, when you ignore something that upsets me, when you do it over and over again... I feel like you're using that same privilege. Like you're pulling rank on me." Her eyes burned fierce and blue. "Like I can say what I want but it's still your call. It makes me angry. It hurts."
He stared into her eyes. There was the warrior woman, the soldier he had first fallen in love with. So driven, so devoted. So many feelings were stirring inside of him that it was an act of will to stay where he was.
Sam slammed her palm against the desk. "That's why it bothers me. I don't want to be your subordinate. Not in our home. Not off duty." She paused to breathe and stare at the floor. "Do you understand?"
"Yeah, Sam. I understand. I-"
"Good." She cut him off before he could begin a defense. "Now. Your turn. Tell me why it's so important to you to leave the socks on the floor next to the couch every day." Her tone was far from accusing; she asked as if she really wanted to know. "It took me a while to figure out why I was really upset. Maybe you need some time?"
Jack leaned against his desk and folded his arms. He didn't say anything for a few minutes, just stared at the floor. He nodded his head one way and another, as if he were having a rather involved conversation in his head. Finally, his gaze returned to Sam. "It sounds stupid." The fierce expression returned to her eyes.
"Nothing is stupid. Not about why we feel the way we do."
He couldn't help an embarrassed cough. "Okay. It's like this. I've been in the service most of my life... they tell me what to wear, when to wear it, who to protect, who to fight, what to eat, when to eat it... you know what I mean." Sam nodded. "So when I get home, I guess it's my transition between being an officer and being a gentleman."
"You mean leaving your socks on the floor is your way of leaving your job behind?"
"Yeah. I said it sounded stupid. I'm really sorry, Sam, I'll try"
"No, Jack, that makes perfect sense." She sounded positively excited. "And it would explain why it's such a hard habit for you to break - you don't want to break it. You need it." He made a face at her.
"So. You're saying I can't change?"
"No, no. I'm saying I need to feel like you respect what I want at home, and I need to accept that you're making a transition that I want you to make." She smiled at him. "We just need to find a solution that works for both of us." She stepped closer. "I want this to work. I know if it was something for the team, we could figure it out. Let's figure it out for us."
He resisted pulling her into his arms and backed up a step. He hadn't felt this close to her in a month, and didn't want to lose it. "I want it to work, too. I really do."
She looked up into his warm brown eyes and felt his concern. He was dealing with the same fear she was, and somehow that made it easier. It was reassuring. Sam found herself merging with him, feeling the team reconnect.
He grinned as he felt it too, and looked sheepishly at the desk.
"I don't know, I suppose if you just don't like seeing them, I could stick them under the couch cushion." She burst out laughing and he felt his heart singing at the sound. It had been too long. He was reaching for her when her eyes opened wide.
"You know, Jack, that's not a bad idea. I wouldn't see them, out of sight out of mind. And if you could remember to get them out of there every few days, we might have a solution. Does sticking your socks under the couch cushion feel rebellious enough for you, soldier?"
"Are you kidding?" He looked at her and realized she wasn't.What the hell."Okay, let's give it a try. But we've got to be honest if it doesn't work. Find something else." He stepped closer to her. "Damn it, Sam. I don't ever want to make you feel subordinate in your own home. Never." She smiled as a tear broke free and he kissed it away. "I'm so sorry."
"It's all right, Jack. We just have to remember - nothing is important enough to break up this team. We need to recognize what matters and what doesn't. We need to remember the commitment. We need to remember the love." He nodded as he pulled her close to his chest, his breath warm at her ear.
"You know, Samantha..."
Her watch alarm went off.
Daniel's head popped up as he heard peals of laughter from three offices down, and he slowly smiled at the wall. Things just might work out after all.
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