The Hardest Thing
The Hardest Thing
by Lynsey Wills
Title: The Hardest Thing
Author: Lynsey Wills (Lynsey Jane)
E-mail: Lynsey.Wills@btinternet.com
Status: Finished
Category: Sam/Jack
Season/Sequel: Season 3
Rating: PG
Content Warning: Bit strange!!!
Summary: Sometimes the hardest thing is to leave the ones you love.
Disclaimer: I in no way own SG1 (Darn it!) so please do not sue!!
Samantha Carter stared at her reflection in the hotel mirror, grimacing at what she saw.
Her now long hair was a dirty blonde, not up to it's usual golden colour, obviously because she had not been able to use a shower in the past week.
Her jeans and t-shirt were rumpled, smelly and had mud caked in places, this was definitely not the same Samantha Carter that had fought an army of Gou'ald and saved many a persons life, this was a Samantha Carter that had lost weight, looked pale in any light and looked as though she were about to cry any minute.
"You've looked better Sam," she told her reflection, filling the water basin with cold water and grabbing her over night bag, which held all of her possessions, well, the only ones that she could carry.
After a quick wash and a long hard scrub of her teeth she finally started to feel human.
Opening her bag she found her favourite pyjama's, with little moons and stars on, she smiled, these were given to her only a few months before at Christmas by the colonel he said that she travelled to them when she was awake and now she could in her sleep, her smile dropped when she thought about him, the pain that she had probably caused him, the pain that was threatening to take her life.
Curling under the blankets of the small and damp bed, she gave into her pain, the emptiness that was beginning to consume her soul.
Flash back.
"Colonel? Where are the others?" Major Samantha carter's sleepy voice asked, sitting up from the couch, moving the blanket that had once been placed over her.
"They left about two hours ago, you fell a sleep, no doubt because you haven't slept in a while, am I right?"
Sam blushed; he could read her like a book. Which was starting to get annoying, she couldn't think anything without him knowing what it was about!
"Neither have you I bet" she replied, standing up and reaching for her car keys on the coffee table, although her objective was postponed when a hand enclosed over hers.
"Sir"
"Now Carter, we are just worried about you"
She looked up at him.
"They or You?" he seemed a little taken back by the question, although his eyes could never lie.
"You know the answer to that"
"Do I?" she pulled her hand from his and went to get her coat.
He was standing in front of the door when she turned, making her growl.
"Sam, you know that I care about you, we all do, it's just simpler when I say we"
Well this conversation was exciting, she thought bitterly to herself.
"It's in the room, remember? Let it stay there" she didn't mean to sound so cold, her words just came out that way, making it more painful.
"Well I want to take it out!!" he yelled.
Staring occurred, they must have just stood there looking into each other's eyes for hours until he moved, taking her hand and sighed.
"I was 'talking with the General yesterday, about my position at the SGC, the fact that I am expendable"
Sam immediately turned into argumentative mode, jack could tell.
"That is not true! One or maybe all the members of our team would be dead it not for you!" he put his hand over her mouth.
"Let me finish. I could become a civilian, teach in the local military school, there are options" he removed the hand.
" But I don't want you to do that! It's not fair; we both love our jobs, why don't we just keep it in the room! Like we said! It's worked for the passed three months, it can work for longer!"
She started to pace around the living room, jack just stood and watched her, the way she started to play with her hair which was left down past her shoulders, nearly to her waist, he knew she only kept it long because he had made a comment about how nice it looked after encountering P34-209 it had made her hair grow really quick for some reason.
"Sam, I am ready to retire, to stop and have a family"
She froze, a family?
" Jack." he smiled, she hadn't called him that in while.
"What if I can't?"
" Can't what?"
"Have family?
Silence
"See? Why would you want somebody that cannot give you a family? A person that would be in a life-threatening job that could leave you with no one? But maybe a white picket fence? No children, just you? "
He still said nothing.
"I know that it would not be fair to you, hell, it certainly isn't fair on me"
"We could adopt," he said hopefully.
" I know that"
" Sam, have you had tests?"
" No"
"Then don't jump to conclusions"
She started pacing again, she was determined not to let him settle, she wanted nothing more than to be with him, but there were things that she might not be able to give back, she couldn't live wit that.
"Why are you trying so hard?" she pleaded, remembering the back door, and glancing towards it.
"I have not been the same since I met you!!"
She stopped and stared at him with tears in her eyes.
"I don't love you" she replied, completely out of the blue, the answer tore the man up inside, she didn't mean it, she couldn't not after the Zat'arc incident.
" Liar!"
"I DON'T LOVE YOU!" She bellowed.
Tears were flowing freely then, lying had always been hard for her to do, especially to him.
She had left him that night, after more shouting and crying, he had tried to make her stay, but she refused.
It was a hard thing, for months now she had been planning to have the tests done to see if she could conceive, fear keeping her away, what if it was positive? She preferred not to know.
Another revelation had been discovered, Jack had admitted that he wasn't as careful on missions anymore, simply because she was on his mind, it could get him killed, and there was only one thing for it, she would have to leave, him, the SGC and her friends.
That night she had packed one bag full of clothes, being in the air force taught you to pack lightly, something of which she was very glad for, her heart wanted to bring all of her things, the pictures, journals and ornaments, but she knew that it would be no good, they would all remind her of what she had left behind.
Sam sent an e-mail to the general, a resignation, wrote a letter for Cassie and her father, knowing full well that her team would end up reading one of them, trying to figure out where she would have gone and why, but there was nothing there that could be traced back to her, nothing.
Looking at her home one last time the major walked out.
End of flashback
The mid-morning sun hurt Sam's eyes as she woke, for a moment she didn't know where she was, then she remembered, the hut she had bought a week after arriving here, in Africa.
Weeks had past into 3 months, the hotel she had stayed in when first arriving had been knocked down and had been turned into a youth hostel, for children whose parents had been killed in a nearby war.
Getting out of bed was always a blissful thing; show would open her door to see a beautiful river covered with big trees, which were normally covered with tropical birds that she would sometimes feed.
Grabbing her white summer dress and a hair band she quickly dressed, she had the afternoon shift at the hostel, this made her grin spread even wider, the children always made her feel better, with their big eyes and eagerness for learning, she taught them about the stars and told them stories of magical lands where people could become invisible evil lords ruled lands that only four people tried to stop, they normally begged her for a new story, she had plenty, but what happened when they ran out?
Jack O'Neill started to drum his fingers against the debriefing room table, a habit he had picked up a few monthes ago after a certain major had disappeared off the face of the earth.
"Jack!!!" Daniel's annoyed voice interrupted his thoughts.
"Sorry" he mumbled, fighting the urge to start doing it again, the General was late, which was the first time Jack could ever remember, so it made him a little on edge.
"DanielJackson, I believe that the General may have news to the where about of MajorCarter"
Jack's head snapped to attention when he heard this, optimistic thoughts flashing through his head, perhaps now they could find her, so far they had been firing blanks as to her position, he had even paid and unofficial visit to his favourite greasy 'friend' Harry Maybourne, who after a beating still pleaded, saying that he knew nothing.
"Then you have heard right Teal'c"
Jack stood to attention, saluting his commanding officer, something he had been slacking on lately.
"At ease"
"About an hour ago we received a transmission from Jacob, he thinks he knows where our Major is..."
Colonel O'Neill couldn't help but smile at the term 'our major', it was true though, She was the third in line for the general's job, and this made her the first Major of the SGC.
He thought back to all of the times they had been so close to finding her, at the airport when a member of staff had seen her entering a plane but had not looked to see which one, after all they were on holiday!
When a phone call had sent them on a wild goose chase around California, which resulted in nothing.
The General had still been sending them on missions, nothing that they couldn't handle, Teal'c had been shown how to get the needed soil samples and other things, people knew that O'Neill wouldn't have much interest, not unless Sam Carter was here to teach him.
"Jacob said that there was one place he thought she might have gone, a little place in Africa, where he had met her mother..."
Jack listened with a keen interest, he was going to find her, and bring her home.
Africa
Sitting on a chair in a small white room sat Sam Carter, with children all around her, their wide eyes staring a mouths agape, listening to her stories of a bad man that had tried to kill the princess Jolinar, only for his plan to be thwarted by King Jack and his Best-friends the princes Daniel and Teal'c.
" Princess Jolinar was saved by the handsome King Jack and the Princes.."
Some of the other volunteers stood in the doorway, also listening, and smiling at the wonder on the children's faces, feeling slightly envious at the power her words had on them.
An elder nurse strolled in and informed the children that is was time for bed, and that they would see her tomorrow when they started to fuss that they wanted another story.
" 'Night Kids"
By the Time Sam started to make her way 'home' it was dark and all she could here were the crickets and the thunder that was starting to brew over head, when they rain began to plummet down she started to run the rest of the way.
" Great" she mumbled, it hadn't rained since she had arrived, making her think that maybe this was a very big upside to living here, the fact that it never rained, but her scientific mind didn't let her think that for more that a few seconds before reminding her that Africa had big forests and they need rain to live so therefore it would be a bit of a daft thing to think, then she realised that even though she wasn't arguing with herself aloud she was still doing it.
She had a night of miserable dreams, filled with horrific pictures.
Infirmary- SGC
"Good morning Colonel, what can I do for you?"Dr. Janet Fraiser asked in her normal cheerful manner.
Jack grimaced, he hated coming down here, even when he was fit as a fiddle and only wanted advice, the room creeped him out, he had spent too many hours in here sitting at a friends bed side, worried sick that this was the last memory of them he was going to have.
"Well, you know"
She smiled at his response, she knew why he was here, about a certain friend of hers, that had recently done a disappearing act, she knew all about the fight he and Sam had had, all of their 'group' did, Jack had thought it vital information, although it had pained him to tell them.
"Spit it out Jack" he grinned at her, the first sort of smile he had given in some time.
"Did you do the tests?"
She turned to look at him, slightly taken back, he looked pale, which wasn't greatly surprising but still, he seemed to have lost his Jack O'Neillness in the past few days.
"I have had the results of the results since Jolinar"
Janet could have sworn she heard him growl.
"What? And Sam doesn't know?"
She started to chuckle, making Jack a little worried, she was laughing when all this was going on? What was wrong with her?
Cassie was upset, although kept saying that she would be back when she was ready, he was stronger than he, Daniel had no one he could really have a really deep and scientific conversation with like he did with Sam.
Teal'c had chosen not to really speak about it, unless it was about getting her back, but he knew that the big man missed her deeply as well.
"No, I have been waiting for her have the courage to come and ask for them herself, I'm waiting for her to have the courage and fight the demons inside herself, and until then they will stay in the filing cabinet"
Jack sensed a hint.
"The filing cabinet?"
"Yes under Carter, and under no circumstances will I tell you that the key for it is under the flower pot on my desk, now if you will excuse me I need to visit the general, to find out when we will move out to go and bring her home"
The petite doctor left Jack In her domain, a slight smile on her face, she knew that in a way it was breaking patient doctor confidentiality but she trusted the Colonel would no look all the way though the file, just to find the information that he desperately wanted.
Jack wasted no time in finding the key and getting the file, which he opened and found his answer.
Africa- two days later.
The rain had stopped yesterday, much to the relief of the hospice; the children were becoming loud and angry because they could not leave their rooms.
Sam had fought tooth and Nail to get in that morning, nothing, not eve a bout of rain was going to keep her away from this place.
"Sammie!!" a small female voice squealed before launching herself into the arms of her favourite volunteer.
"Hey Milly, where's your brother?" the girl wriggled out of her grip then, and ran to the window and helping her twin down, she had to do this because he was blind and she was very protective over him, making sure that none of the kids made him fall.
" Hi There Bongani, how are you feeling today?" the boy looked blankly in front of him, then smiled.
"I'm great! Last night when I couldn't sleep Milly told me the story that you had told when I had at the doctors"
Sam smiled, picked him up and took him to the big stuffed chair in the corner of the room, and sat down with him on her lap, Milly quickly climbed into her lap also, reaching for the bell on the side table, ringing it.
Immediately children scrambled from the different rooms about the house, realising that it was story time, and making themselves comfortable on the cushions in front of her on the floor.
She looked blankly at them for a minute, realising that she had already told them all of the stories that she knew, the adventures she had experienced, well all but one, this one she was going to have to sugar coat, there was way too much shouting involved with it.
"Once Upon at time, Princess Samantha and King Jack had a fight, they were very much in love...."
The story was about her last meeting with the colonel.
"And so she left, thinking that he didn't want her, and he would never find her..."
"Until now"
Sam froze, all of the children turned to face the new and male voice, one which they had never heard before, but one Sam knew very well.
"Who are you?" Bongani asked, holding onto Sam, alarmed because he couldn't; tell whether this was a good or bad man.
"I'm Jack" immediately the children burst into questions, was he the Jack from Sam's stories and things like that, all the while she just sat there and stared at him, then placing the two younger children on the floor and walking past him outside.
A second after he followed, and walked beside her in silence, until he couldn't stand it anymore.
"Are you coming back?" he knew it was a dumb question, but sometimes they were the best to ask.
She glanced at him.
"Why?"
"We...I Miss you" this is what she wanted, no needed to here, the fact that he wasn't hading behind her friends to say he cared, that he was worried, it was a step in the right direction.
"It's better if I stay here" was her answer.
"For who?"
"The children"
She was sure she heard him growl.
" That's all this is about isn't it? That is all this is ever about!!" he yelled.
"What else would it be about?"
"Sam!! I have admitted that I love you! That if you cannot have children we can adopt that as long as I am with you then that is all that matters! What else do you want?!"
"A family! Something which I cannot have!" they had come to a halt, on a dirt road on their way to her new home.
They were both thinking about how it didn't take very long for them to resume the argument tat they hadn't finished the last time they saw one another.
"BUT YOU CAN!!"
She looked at him dumb founded, what was he on about?
"What?" she whispered, her voice was becoming hoarse from all of the yelling.
" I accidentally came across Janet's files, and she has had the results all of this time, waiting for you to get over it and ask her!!"
Tears stared to fall from her eyes, she was wrong? For the first time in her life she was overjoyed to be wrong.
He was relieved that he didn't let slip Janet had practically handed there results to him on a plate.
" You're not messing with me?"
" No" he started to laugh, as did she, before she threw her arms around him, he swung her around.
"What do you say? Come back to the SGC? We all miss you especially me"
She kissed him passionately.
"What about my resignation?"
"Oh! The general had been 'forgetting to check his e-mail lately" he smiled evilly.
"Oh yeah? And what about our little thing?" she smiled.
" Well, now it say's in the SGC handbook that it's ok for married couples to be on the same team, so what do you say? Wanna get hitched?"
Sam glared at him.
"My, that was so romantic" sarcasm dripping.
" Hey, just don't tell everyone that I am, it could ruin my rep." They started to laugh, getting down on one knee he pulled a box out of his pocket.
"Samantha Elizabeth Carter, Roses are red, violets are blue, marry me now ... and I'll stick to you like glue"
Sam was laughing hysterically now, this wasn't how she imagined the man of her dreams proposing to her, but it was good enough.
Kneeling down in front of him, eye level she looked deeply into his eyes.
"Yes"
The End.
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