A Personal Favor
A Personal Favor
by iamdragonrider
Summary: Sam asks the guys for a favor. We've all been there. The men will cringe and the women will howl with laughter.
Category: Humor
Season: any Season
Pairing: Team
Rating: FAM
Warnings: none
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author(s).
Archived on: 2005-02-14
A/N: Not much of a point, just a little silly something I put together on the weekend as a little break from my other story Nine Lives, which is finally complete. It was supposed to be short, but I tend to get carried away. Anyway, forgive me if it's a little rough in spots, it's one of my first fics. This story has also been posted at FanFic and at Carterfic so far.
Set season four or five or six or thereabouts. The timeline isn't really important in this story, and there are no spoilers that I know of.
Chapter 1: A Favor
Colonel Jack O'Neill parked his large black 4x4 at the curb outside of Major Samantha Carter's house, and looked around at his teammates. Dr. Daniel Jackson was seated in the front middle seat, holding the small paper bag of various medications and dressings. Teal'c was crammed into the back on the jump seat because Major Carter, by virtue of the bulky cast covering her right leg from foot and ankle to mid thigh, wouldn't fit back there.
"Alright kids, lets get Carter settled." Jack said, then as he noticed Sam starting to unbuckle her seatbelt and open the door, he barked out "Ah ah Carter! You stay put."
"Sir, I'm fine, really..." Sam started, but the Colonel interrupted again, "Carter, that wasn't a request." Sam scowled and looked down at her lap, glaring at her cast. She didn't reply, but she wasn't trying to get out of the truck anymore. Jack climbed out, allowing Daniel to slide out before tilting the seat to allow the large Jaffa to unfold himself from the back seat. As Teal'c climbed out Jack reached into the back of the truck grabbing Sam's crutches and carrying case containing her laptop and some papers she'd wanted from her lab. Daniel headed up the sidewalk to unlock Sam's front door.
"Teal'c, help Carter into the house would you buddy?" Jack asked, following Daniel up the walk.
Teal'c nodded solemnly. "Indeed O'Neill, I would be most pleased to assist Major Carter." He replied as he started around to Carter's side of the truck.
Sam started to protest as she noticed her CO heading into the house with her crutches. She could walk perfectly fine. Well perfectly fine with crutches. Sam sighed as Teal'c opened the passenger side door. She forced her scowl away. Teal'c wasn't to blame for the Colonel's over protectiveness, and it wasn't fair to take her frustration out on him. Giving in to the inevitable, Sam surrendered herself to the strong arms of Teal'c as he gently and carefully lifted her out of the truck, and carried her towards the house.
Sam hated to admit it but she really was exhausted, not to mention sore in too many places to list. She let her head drop onto Teal'c's shoulder as she recounted the circumstances that led to the reason she was getting carted around by a group of very over protective men.
It had been a routine mission on P3X-925; the MALP had shown the possible presence of an abandoned naquadah mine. Daniel was poking through the ruins of a small village, likely the homes of the miners before the mine had been abandoned. Teal'c and the Colonel had been patrolling the perimeter, and looking for anything of interest. Sam as usual was collecting soil samples. She was walking back to where Daniel was when she found an abandoned mineshaft by dint of falling into it.
Fortunately for Sam, the mineshaft hadn't been very steep. Unfortunately, it traveled nearly 20 feet down at a slant and was littered with boulders and jagged rocks. Sam thought she must have hit every rock and outcropping on the way down before landing in an inglorious heap at the bottom of the shaft. She'd never lost consciousness, but her leg had been broken in the fall, and she had numerous bruises and several bad cuts including a deep gash on her right upper arm.
It had taken the men nearly two hours to carry her out of the hole on a makeshift stretcher they'd rigged with pack frames and tent canvas. It was several more grueling hours for them to carry her back. She'd given in and allowed them to give her Morphine for the return trip so she didn't really remember much of that part thankfully.
Sam had awoken several hours later, not too surprised to find her teammates in various poses, keeping vigil over her while she slept. Daniel was seated in a chair on her left, nose buried in some text. Teal'c sat cross-legged on the floor near the wall on her right, with the Colonel just past Teal'c, seated on the next bed, playing with his yo-yo. They'd quickly retrieved Dr. Warner upon seeing she was awake since Janet was out of town on leave with Cassie, visiting relatives.
Doctor Warner had agreed to release Sam that same day, provided she proved that she could eat and tolerate the pain pills, and on the condition that someone accompanied her to her house to settle her in. He didn't think that someone needed to stay with her at all times, but had cautioned her to stay off her feet as much as possible for the next few days and that someone should check on her frequently. She'd been really lucky, other than the broken leg, the rest of her injuries were mostly a collection of bruises and scrapes. The rest of SG-1 had quickly volunteered for the task of taking Sam home and she had soon found herself eating some toast and dutifully swallowing some tablets. By late morning she had been whisked off to the Colonel's truck in a wheelchair before she could even protest. Not that she had minded getting out of the infirmary as soon as possible.
Sam's mind wandered back to the present as Teal'c entered her living room, and gently settled her on the couch, mindful of the cast and the worst of her injuries. The cuts on her arm and head had needed quite a few stitches in each, and were just a bit sore. Daniel and Jack descended on her as Teal'c set her down, propping her leg with pillows and covering her with a blanket. They handed her the remote and told her to amuse herself, while they went into her kitchen to fix lunch.
Sam smiled in amusement as she heard them arguing over what to make and discussing the state of her refrigerator. She hadn't bothered to stock up on anything since she'd known they were going off world. Frowning, she remembered that she also may have forgotten to clear some things out, having been busy with several projects recently. She suspected that might several things in there that might be trying to become new life forms. So she wasn't too surprised when the three trooped back to her living room announcing that some grocery shopping was in order. Sam did scowl at them when Daniel declared her fridge a biohazard and Jack joked that he'd nearly called in a Code 3 team. She didn't think her fridge was that bad. Ok, well maybe it was, but they didn't have to say it.
The men started planning a shopping list, Daniel taking notes, as Sam became aware of a mild cramping sensation, low in her abdomen. She frowned, and quickly did some mental calculations. Going off world so often she tended to lose track of time. Coming up with the right numbers Sam realized it was now that time of the month. She sighed softly, these things never seemed to come at a good time and having to deal with that and her injuries, including the awkward cast, made her think she must have angered some god out there. Oh well, on the bright side, when else could you take such strong medicine for menstrual cramps? Sam glanced at the bag containing her medicine that Daniel had left on her coffee table.
As she looked at the bag, Sam remembered something. She was supposed to have picked up some pads, since she had nearly run out last month. But just as she'd been planning on going out on some much needed errands, she'd been paged back to the SGC to fix some error with the dialing computer, and one thing had led to another and she'd never gotten to pick up the things she'd needed, intending to do so once this latest mission was over.
Daniel noticed her frown, and immediately concerned, he asked if she was ok, which caught Teal'c and Jack's attention right away. The stopped talking to regard her, and she hastened to reassure them. "I'm fine you guys, really. It's just that... well... ummm.... Sam trailed off, not really sure what to do. Normally she'd just ask Janet to pick up some for her, but Janet wasn't available. The guys were going out after all, but still, Sam was reluctant to ask them for something so personal. She felt her cheeks start to warm.
The Colonel was watching her, and seemed to sense her discomfort. "What is it Carter, you need something while we are out?"
Sam's blush deepened. She looked at her hands, her lap, and the table. She looked anywhere but at the guys. Taking a deep breath, she decided there were no other options. "Ijustneedsomemaxipads." She mumbled all in a rush, as if blurting out the request would somehow be less embarassing. Facing down a ghould with a hand device pointed at her she could do. Ask her friends and teammates, let alone her CO, to pick up something so necessary, but so personal, and she was more nervous than when she'd gone on her first date.
At the guys' blank stares, Sam sighed. She closed her eyes, and repeated herself, more slowly and more clearly this time. "Maxi pads. I need some maxi pads. Sir."
Realization dawned on Jack and Daniel's faces, Teal'c just looked confused. Daniel blushed, and an awkward silence fell.
The Colonel shifted, and coughed, breaking the silence, he answered "Uh, yeah, sure Carter. Anything." He was looking anywhere but at her.
Sam thought if her cheeks got any warmer, she might spontaneously combust. "Umm, here give me the pad, I'll write down what I need." Daniel passed the list over, and Sam quickly wrote down the name of the brand she preferred and what she wanted, as the three men started to argue boisterously over who was going to stay with Sam and who was to go out for the groceries and other "necessities" Actually Daniel and Jack argued, Teal'c tried to ask what maxi pads were but the other two kept interrupting him. In other circumstances, Sam would have laughed, but her head had started to ache and the near bickering wasn't helping. The thought of being trapped in her house with one of the guys after her embarrassing request was too much to bear. "Why don't you all go?" She snapped, surprising herself with her vehemence.
The argument cut off mid sentence and guys looked surprised too, as they stared at her in shock. Daniel actually took a small step back and bumped into Jack, who just glared at him.
Sam winced, and sighed, shaking her head. "Sorry guys, I'm just tired. I'll be fine, really I will be. It shouldn't take you long and I promise I'll stay right here, I won't even move."
Sam thought they gave in rather easily when Jack announced that all three of them would go, but really all three men had all been married at one point in time or another, and they all knew there were times when it was best to keep their distance from the women in their lives. Now was one such time.
With amazing speed, the three men made sure Sam was comfortable, and that she had a drink and a light snack of some crackers they'd found, as well as the phone, her medicine, and crutches all in easy reach. The admonished her to stay there until they returned promising to be swift before piling off in Jack's truck. Teal'c had tried to ask what maxi pads were again before they left but the Colonel had elbowed him and Daniel had grabbed his arm dragging him out the door promising to explain later. Sam let out a relieved sigh as the door closed and she heard the truck pull off. Closing her eyes she leaned back and let herself finally relax.
Chapter 2: The Selection
The men of SG-1 entered the grocery store. Jack grabbed a cart and Daniel pulled out the list while Teal'c picked up a circular. They made short work of the list, and soon the cart was nearly full. Teal'c stood looking at the cart and frowned.
"Something wrong Teal'c?" Jack asked curiously, since they were standing in the middle of the aisle.
Teal'c cocked his head to one side, still regarding the loaded shopping cart. "O'Neill, since Major Carter is healing should we not include a variety of foods to promote her good health?"
Jack glanced at Daniel, who shrugged, then examined the cart thoughtfully. They had milk, meat for burgers, bread, frozen pizza, hot dogs, Mac n' cheese, ice cream, cheese puffs and potato chips... Looked like a good variety of foods to him. He picked up the box of fruit loops. "Cereal is healthy Teal'c."
Teal'c merely raised an eyebrow. Daniel jumped in. "Jack, I think what Teal'c means is maybe we should get some fruits and vegetables or something."
Realization dawned on Jack's face. Carter would probably go for that. He quickly checked the contents of the cart. "Well the vegetable soup should cover one part of that." He spied some wrapped fruit baskets on an end display. "What about one of those?" He asked, pointing them out. Teal'c walked over and picked one up, it contained a variety of oranges, apples, banana's, grapes, and even some pears.
"I believe this will be most pleasing to Major Carter." Teal'c said with conviction as he placed the fruit basket in the cart on top of the soda.
Jack grinned. He thought they'd done rather well, and imagined Carter would be pleasantly surprised. She probably didn't think any of them knew how to shop. They'd even got a few good deals thanks to Teal'c grabbing that circular. Who would have thought that the Jaffa was a born bargain hunter? Especially considering that Teal'c had only been to a large grocery store a few times in his life, mostly on excursions to help Jack get supplies for one of his weekend barbeques.
Checking over the list Daniel had handed him, Jack's smile faded. One item left. He toyed with the idea of saying they should get back quickly and he should start getting their purchases checked out and let Daniel and Teal'c go and get the last item. He sighed. It wouldn't work, even though Daniel and Teal'c had both been married before, they hadn't exactly ever needed to run out in the middle of the night for necessities. A position Jack had found himself in several times for Sara.
Making up his mind quickly, Jack gave his best military order voice, "Lets all of us go get Carter's thing and get out of here," he said, emphasizing the "all of us." They would all go, together. Jack felt that the "no one gets left behind" rule applied to the current circumstances.
Daniel and Teal'c, who had finally been told exactly what it was that Major Carter wanted, looked like they wanted to protest, but Jack had already headed off to the "Health and Beauty" section of the store, pushing the cart. They had no choice but to follow.
Jack rounded the corner into the aisle helpfully labeled "Feminine Hygiene Products" and stopped. He felt Teal'c and Daniel halt just behind him. The three men stood, and stared in awe at the wide array of products on both sides of the short aisle. Not even Jack was prepared for the staggering array of choices. The few times Sara had needed him to get such things for her (on threat of loss of limb or life) he'd just run to the corner store to grab it. There had only been a small selection of one or two brands and a few sizes of each. But here... there were dozens of products, all different shapes and sizes and colors. And there were so many pink and pastel colors. Jack found it disturbing, not to mention incredibly uncomfortable. Daniel and Teal'c looked ready to bolt, and Daniel was a brilliant shade of pink not unlike some of the packages on display.
Before he lost courage, Jack scowled at the last item on the list, written in Carter's distinctive scrawl, committing the details to memory before he showed the list to Daniel and Teal'c. "If we all look for what Carter wants we'll find it faster." He said as way of explanation.
Soon all three men were scanning the shelves. Daniel's blush had faded, but he still looked afraid to touch anything. Teal'c was staring at the shelves in undisguised amazement. "O'Neill, I do not understand why such an array of products are needed for what is a natural and universal task."
Jack wasn't sure how to answer that one. He looked to Daniel for help, but Daniel's look of embarrassment had melted into one of open curiosity. "I never knew there were so many different things out there for... uh... " Daniel faltered, and pushed his glasses up on his nose. "You know." He finished, blurting the rest out, and looked away, blushing again.
Teal'c had ventured forward and picked up a blue plastic wrapped package. "O'Neill," He said, "Why do they have wings?" Teal'c was staring at the package as if it would take flight.
"Teal'c put that down. Lets just find the thing Carter wants, and get back, I don't like leaving her alone for too long." Jack glared at the display. "I swear, women made all of these things just to confuse men."
The men returned to scanning the shelves, Daniel or Teal'c occasionally voicing a comment over products that offered a "light feminine scent" whatever that was, or announced that they had "superior absorbency" or "leak protection for the active woman." Jack just scowled.
After several minutes of searching, the three had still not found the product that Carter had written down. Jack checked the list again, verifying they were all looking for the right thing. He couldn't believe that with all the things there to choose from, the one they wanted wouldn't be there. Jack voiced his opinion to the others, who agreed.
Teal'c spoke up. "I believe we should ask for assistance O'Neill." Before Jack could decide if that was such a good idea, Teal'c had headed off. Jack shifted uncomfortably from foot to foot, and glanced at Daniel, who seemed to be making an effort not to look at anything for too long, as if worried someone would enter the aisle at any moment and wonder what he found so fascinating. Fortunately for SG-1, there didn't seem to be anyone in need of "feminine hygiene products" on this slow weekday afternoon. Heck, even the name seemed as if it was intended to warn men to stay away.
Jack didn't have long to speculate, Teal'c returned quickly, a young man with freckles and dark hair in tow. His smock proclaimed him to be a store employee. The gawky kid, who probably was in his late teens, looked rather intimidated by the large Jaffa even though Teal'c was dressed in jeans, boots, a button down shirt and a large Stetson covering his gold tattoo. Or maybe it was the clothes that intimidated the kid. The kid's eyes widened as he took in Daniel and the glaring colonel. Jack tried to make his expression behave as he showed the list to the kid and pointed out the item they were looking for.
The kid swallowed nervously as he looked at the list, then at the three men. Teal'c had his arms crossed, Daniel was hovering nearby, and Jack's glare had returned despite his best efforts. "Uh... " The kid squeaked. "Yes sirs. We uh carry that, it should be right over..." The kid trailed off as his eyes came to rest on the empty space on the shelf where the product should have been. The kid gulped. "Um, uh, I'm, uh, sorry sirs, but I just remembered I checked for that this morning and we uh, we are all out, just sold the last one." He backed away, keeping his eye on the large black man and the older looking man who looked a lot like a battle hardened soldier. He edged past the younger man with glasses that seemed to be the least threatening of the three. Even still the man looked strong enough to beat him to a pulp, but at least he wasn't glaring like the older man was. "I n-need to uh get back to uh w-work." The kid stammered as he turned tail and all but ran from the aisle.
Daniel and Teal'c turned to Jack, clearly wondering what to do next. "Perhaps we should try another establishment O'Neill," suggested Teal'c.
Jack considered the options, and shook his head. A command decision was in order. "No, lets just each of us pick one of these things. We'll tell Carter they were out of the one she wanted. They can't be all that different, and if we each pick out one, she can have a choice." Daniel and Teal'c nodded in agreement. Sounded like a good plan to them, and they were all eager to leave the aisle before someone saw them and get back to Sam to make sure she was still ok.
As the only one who had had a wife on earth, and the most experienced with earth products for that "time of the month" Jack decided on a product with a different brand that seemed to match the same description to what Carter had written down. Daniel settled for one that was the same brand, but a slightly larger size. He thought bigger would be better in this case, rather than get something too small.
Teal'c seemed to be thinking along those same lines. He had a pretty fair idea as to what happened in a woman's body once a month, although the details were sketchy. His wife had never been very forthcoming with information, and during that time it was best not to cross one's wife with questions she felt were unnecessary. There were some things that were best left as being labeled mysteries, the secrets known only to women.
Even though Teal'c didn't know much about what went on exactly, from what he did know he surmised that it was incredibly messy. He had spied something on the opposite side of the aisle that he felt would be much more suitable than the small absorbent pads displayed in the neat packages they'd been looking at. Teal'c picked up his selection, and showed it to the others. "I believe this product offers superior absorption and leak protection," he announced proudly, displaying his choice to his teammates.
Daniel and Jack stared at Teal'c. They looked at each other, and back to Teal'c. Jack's mouth worked to say something, but no words came out. How to explain to the Jaffa that Carter did not need Depends?
Jack nudged Daniel. "You tell him."
Daniel nudged Jack right back. "No, Jack, you tell him."
Jack glared at Daniel, then sighed. "Fine. I'll tell him."
Teal'c looked at O'Neill expectantly. He did not understand why there was a problem with his selection. Jack took another deep breath. "Uh, Teal'c, buddy. Carter won't want those. You see, uh... well, they are for another problem actually..." Jack trailed off. "Look, just pick something else ok?" He nudged Daniel again, who firmly took the package out of Teal'c's hands and placed it back on the shelf.
Jack motioned to the correct items, and Teal'c nodded, still confused, but he would trust that his teammates knew what they were talking about. Teal'c decided to go with one of the products that had wings. He was still curious about them, but neither Daniel nor O'Neill seemed inclined to answer his question. Perhaps Major Carter would appreciate the wings, being in the Air Force. Maybe she would be able to explain why the wings were needed. He filed his question away for later.
"Okay kids, we ready to go?" Jack threw his selection into the cart, and watched as Daniel and Teal'c placed theirs in as well, Daniel practically dropping his as if it burned him.
Without further ado, the threesome headed to the checkout. The clerk had seemed mildly curious as to why the three men were buying so many different maxi pads, but wisely chose not to mention it. In short order, they had paid for their purchases and loaded the supplies into the back of Jack's truck.
Chapter 3: A Question
Jack parked his truck in front of Carter's house again, and the three got out to unload it. Jack unlocked the door with a bag under his arm, and immediately went to check on Carter. True to her word, she hadn't moved from the sofa. In fact she looked like she had taken a nap while they were out, because she was blinking her eyes sleepily and her short blonde hair was sticking up in places. She smiled sleepily as she saw her CO, with Daniel and Teal'c appearing behind him in the doorway.
"Hi guys. Back so soon?" She said. She frowned as she glanced at the clock on the VCR. "Oh, sorry, must have fallen asleep." She smiled ruefully and ran her hands through her hair, making more of it stand up instead of smoothing down like she'd intended. Sam stretched a bit and winced. She definitely had a lot of bruises.
"Relax Carter, naps are ok, besides the docs want you to take it easy." Jack told her. He changed the subject; "I thought we'd have burgers for lunch. You can eat and take some of those pain pills." Jack hadn't missed the wince. He continued talking as he headed to her kitchen with his load. "We got lots of stuff; you didn't have much in the kitchen you know. Teal'c even thought you'd like some fruit." He added before disappearing into the kitchen. Teal'c set the wrapped basket down on the coffee table, briefly inclining his head when Sam smiled appreciatively.
Sam let her eyes wander over the large number of bags that the guys were bringing in. She wondered if there was room for all of it in her kitchen. She noticed Daniel carrying a plastic bag at arm's length, as if it contained something that was going to bite him. She frowned.
Daniel noticed her gaze, and hastened to reassure her. "We got the, um, things you wanted Sam." He said motioning towards the bag. "Um, I'll just put them in the bathroom." Daniel blushed again and quickly left the room with the bag.
The Colonel coughed and shifted, catching Sam's attention. "Uh, yeah Carter, about that..."
Teal'c decided to help out. Tauri customs still confused him, as did the extreme embarrassment over something that was so ordinary among women. "Major Carter, I regret to inform you that the particular product you requested was not available. However, I believe we have chosen satisfactory substitutes."
Sam's eyebrows rose. Substitutes? Plural? She wondered if she should be worried. Daniel returned to the room and Sam smiled at her guys. Oh well, better go take care of business. Sam quickly excused herself on the explanation of wanting to change clothes and freshen up a bit. The men quickly headed to the kitchen to put things away and start lunch, telling her to call if she needed anything. They made sure she was moving around OK on her crutches before leaving her alone, which she was, even if she was a little slow and stiff.
While Sam was freshening up, the rest of SG-1 quickly divided up the chores and soon had everything crammed away more or less where it belonged. They were putting together the meal when they heard what was obviously a howl of laughter from the bathroom. Teal'c looked up an eyebrow raised; Daniel blushed, and Jack just muttered "women" and decided to ignore the outburst, concentrating on making hamburger patties.
Lunch was ready before long, and by unspoken agreement the team decided to eat in the living room, so Carter would be able to stretch her leg out and keep it propped up on the sofa. They entered the room with plates of food as Sam returned from the bathroom, looking more relaxed having washed up and combed her errant hair. She'd changed into a baggy t-shirt and soft oversized sweatpants that fit over her cast. She maneuvered herself to the couch grinning as she let the guys fuss over her, grabbing pillows to prop her leg and covering her with a blanket again, before handing her a plate of food, which she accepted with thanks. She was actually pretty hungry.
Sam paused as Teal'c addressed her. "Major Carter, I trust that you found our selections to your satisfaction?" Sam nearly choked. She regarded her hamburger closely, looking down at her plate to hide her warming cheeks. "Um, yes Teal'c, more than satisfactory. Thank you." Sam had to hide her amusement at the pleased looks the three men shared. She wished Janet were here, to share the joke; she couldn't believe they'd bought her three packs of pads. Big packages too, the large multi pack ones that gave a quantity discount. One small one would have been more than enough. Not that she'd ever tell them that. Sam hid the smile tugging at the corners of her mouth.
Teal'c wasn't finished asking questions yet however. His next question floored her, as she dropped her half eaten burger onto the plate and stared at Teal'c, mouth open and eyes wide with surprise. "Major Carter." He had said. "I was wondering why do they have wings?"
A/N: Hope you enjoyed my little bit of fun! If you enjoyed this story, you may enjoy my other stories, which you'll find under the penname iamdragonrider at FanFiction . net
As always, feedback is appreciated!
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