It's All Coming Back To Me Now
It's All Coming Back To Me Now
by
Lorina Dara Raenon
TITLE: It's All Coming Back To Me Now
AUTHOR: Lorina Dara Raenon
EMAIL:majorlorina@hotmail.com
CATEGORY: Romance/Angst, Sam/Martouf
SPOILERS: 'In the Line of Duty' and 'The Tok'Ra' (Part 1 and 2)
SEASON / SEQUEL: Takes place late in Season Two. The sequel to Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again and part 2 of the Everlasting Series.
RATING: PG
CONTENT WARNINGS: Although there really isn't anything to worry about with this story, the elevated emotions of the story warranted a rating of PG.
SUMMARY: With the her mental health deteriorating, Samantha Carter agrees to seek help from the Tok'Ra.
STATUS: Incomplete. Part 3 of the Everlasting Series
ARCHIVE: Heliopolis
DISCLAIMER: Stargate Sg-1 and its characters are the property of Stargate (II) Productions, Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. This story is for entertainment purposes only and no money exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author. This story may not be posted elsewhere without the consent of the author, Lorina.
AUTHOR'S NOTES:
"Wormhole established," the gate technician announced, alerting his superior officers.
General George Hammond stepped closer to the windows overlooking the gateroom and watched carefully as the ripple of the wormhole spread across the gate's interior. "How long has it been since the transmission?"
Colonal O'Neill, who stood next to his balding CO, clasped his hands behind his back and drew in a heavy breath. "About 6 hours, sir."
"I want you to greet the Tok'Ra. But keep the personnel out there. That gate has provided us with enough surprises in the past," the general ordered.
"What about Carter?" O'Neill asked, casting a sideways glance at Hammond.
General Hammond ran a finger across his chin. "Once we have explained this. . .situation. . .to the Tok'Ra, we'll bring Carter in from the infirmary."
"Understood, sir," O'Neill nodded, turning away and walking down the flight of stairs to the gateroom.
O'Neill stood before the gate's ramp and watched the shimmering wormhole with a solemn face. The wormhole suddenly rippled as four figures slipped through. All wore the familiar beige dress of the Tok'Ra. O'Neill cast a glance back over his shoulder when he heard a door shut.
General Hammond joined him in the gateroom, an expression of amiability spread across his features. He walked up, slightly past O'Neill. "Jacob. It's good to see you," the general greeted, extending a hand towards the approaching Jacob Carter.
"You too," Jacob smiled, craning his neck. "Where's Samantha?"
Hammond took a deep breath, looking a little uncomfortable, before glancing back at his old friend. "That's why we sent for you."
"She is not well?" another familiar figure questioned, stepping up beside Jacob.
"Perhaps we should speak in a more private area," the general suggested, nodding towards Martouf and Jacob Carter.
"Since the accident, Captain Carter has been experiencing waking dreams or hallucinations," Dr. Frasier said, as she addressed the Tok'Ra assembled in the conference room.
"Is she okay?" Jacob inquired, concern flashing across his face.
"She's fine for the moment. But. . .I don't know what the long term effects could be. We've never treated a case like this before," Janet explained frankly.
"Which is why we called you in," Hammond continued. "We were hoping you might have a solution to this problem."
Jacob glanced over at Martouf for his opinion. The younger man nodded grimly and turned towards General Hammond. "It is an unusual case. But perhaps if we could keep Samantha Carter under our observation for a while, we can determine the solution."
O'Neill broke from his unusual silence. "So, you guys have no idea what to do? I thought your technology and understanding was more advanced then ours?"
Martouf lowered his head for a moment. His eyes flickered before he raised his head highly. "We are more advanced then the Tau'ri," Lantesh spoke, his voice deep and bitter. "Do not mock us, O'Neill. Our healers will determine the course of action needed to cure Captain Carter."
"We will send one of our own with Captain Carter," Hammond interjected.
"That is not necessary, general. We will ensure her safety," Lantesh answered, turning his glare away from O'Neill.
"I don't know if I like the sound of that," O'Neill argued.
"I assure you, O'Neill, she will be safe. You have my word," Lantesh responded, calming himself.
"Dj vu," O'Neill chided.
"What?" Lantesh asked in confusion.
"Nothing," Jack smiled wryly.
Lantesh/Martouf lowered his head again, and control shifted to the host. Martouf
raised his head and offered an uneasy smile. "As Lantesh has said, we will keep Samantha under our protection."
Teal'c, who had observed the entire conversation quietly, leaned forward slightly in his chair and faced the Tok'Ra, while speaking to Jack. "I believe they are sincere, O'Neill. They are the only ones who can cure Captain Carter."
O'Neill glanced over at his Jaffa friend and gave him a glance that said it all. I hope so.
"We should speak to Captain Carter. She's being held in the infirmary right now," General Hammond reported.
Jacob lifted himself from his chair in anticipation. "What is her condition?"
"Captain Carter is experiencing acute fatigue and obvious strain as a result of her ordeal. I've been monitoring her for the past several hours," Dr. Frasier reported.
"I want to see her," Jacob demanded calmly.
"As do I," Martouf added, rising from his chair.
Sam opened her eyes. Dr. Frasier entered the infirmary and stepped around the captain's bed, eyeing the vitals on the medical monitors. "How are you feeling, Samantha?"
Sam swallowed, shifting slowly, before answering in a strained voice. "Not up to par. This headache is killing me."
"Headache?" Dr. Frasier's brow furrowed as she read the report that hung from the front of the medical bed. "Samantha, your father is here. Would you like to see him now?"
Sam tried to push herself up, but succumbed to her grogginess and lay back. "Dad? Of course."
Janet Frasier stepped away, motioning for a nurse to monitor Sam's condition, and inviting the guests in.
Jacob Carter stepped in the room, hesitantly, until he spotted his daughter's still form. He walked quickly to her bedside, followed by Martouf, who remained aloof.
"Samantha. Are you okay?" Jacob asked as he leaned over the cot and stroked his daughter's forehead.
"No. Dad, I don't know what to do," Sam answered, unable to suppress a sob. "I wish I could take these memories out of my head. It feels as though I'm losing my mind. It's terrifying." Sam rubbed her eyes with a weak hand, glancing briefly over at Martouf. She felt a sudden rush of adrenaline and gripped the side of the bed with her hand.
"We're going to take you back with us," Jacob explained quietly.
"Where?" Sam asked wearily.
Jacob looked back at Martouf, who stepped closer. "We can't reveal the planet. It's for our protection."
Samantha's eye met Martouf's for a moment. She tried to break away from his penetrating gaze, but found it extremely hard. "Why can't I shake these emotions?" she cried out.
"I am sorry you have to endure this pain. To be left with the very being of a Tok'Ra. . .a Tau'ri is incapable of handling such power," the voice of Lantesh answered.
"Perhaps. But maybe not. She is strong," Jacob Carter responded in defense. Selmak suddenly took control of Jacob's speech. "If there is one thing I've learned from Jacob Carter, it is that the Tau'ri should not be underestimated. What they lack in strength or intelligence, they make up for in other ways."
Sam glanced nervously between the two. "Dad?"
Jacob closed his eyes for a moment, as Selmak pulled back, and than opened them, smiling broadly at his daughter. "It's okay, Sammy. Will you come with us?"
Sam breathed a heavy sigh, lifting a hand to her aching head before nodding. "Yes."
"Than it is set. We will return to the stronghold within the hour," Martouf nodded, glancing at Jacob.
Jacob clasped his daughter's hand and smiled softly when he noticed the look of nervousness in her eyes. She had always been strong as a child. Keeping her emotions to herself. But in the last few months, hell, when he had announced his illness. . .she had changed. She was quick to show her feelings. And now, as she lay before him on her sickbed, she looked drained. . .completely drained, and not attempting to hide it. He stroked her cheek lightly.
"Well, I guess this is it," O'Neill said dryly.
Daniel Jackson and Teal'c stood alongside Jack in the gateroom. Sam stood before them, visibly worn, and attempting to hang onto a shred of dignity as she stood upright. Her medical wear had been replaced with the loose fitting fatigues she was familiar with.
"Do you have any idea when you'll be back?" Daniel asked softly.
"No," Sam shook her head, "but not too long. Goodbye, Daniel."
Sam turned to Jack as he looked uncomfortably around. "I'll see you later, sir."
"Take care, Captain," Jack said, offering a worried smile.
Sam moved on to Teal'c, who stood silently, and solemnly by. "Return soon, Captain Carter."
Sam smiled, "Thanks, Teal'c."
Jacob leaned closer to his daughter with a smile on his face. "We should go."
Sam turned away from her friends, hesitantly, and began ascending the ramp before the rippling, blue stargate. Jacob stopped, turning to see General Hammond nearing them. Jacob released his daughter and walked up to his old friend.
"Bring her back safely, Jacob. Let us know how things are going," the general ordered, a look of concern flashed upon his face.
"I will," Jacob Carter smiled, turning to join his group.
The two Tok'Ra guards entered the gate first, followed by Jacob and Sam, and then Martouf.
"Whoa!" Sam wavered as she exited the stargate.
Martouf leapt out from behind her and steadied her as she almost collapsed. She looked back at his concerned face and locked eyes with him for a second.
"You're not well. When we reach the stronghold, you can rest," Martouf comforted her softly.
Sam smiled softly as he and Jacob led her down the steps of the gate, and into the foothills of a very mountainous world. The high, craggy peaks of mountains loomed overhead. The group continued through the foothills, about a mile or so from the gate. Sam paused a few times to catch her breath. She estimated that their position was significantly higher than sea level, as her lungs were trying to tell her.
Slumping down on a rock for the third time, she rolled her head in her hands. Good thing this isn't training, she thought. Normally, she could handle the climb, but in her condition, walking was enough to tire her. Her head began to ache again and she winced, biting her lower lip.
"Your head is hurting again?" Jacob asked, kneeling next to his daughter.
Sam nodded her head in pain. "I'm fine, dad."
"Listen, you don't have to put up this front for me," Jacob said.
"What do you mean?" Sam asked.
"You're not in SGC right now. If youfeelrough, tell me. I don't need a tough, military answer," Jacob answered.
Sam looked mildly startled.
"Is something the matter?"
"No," Sam began, "it's just. . .you never talked about feelings before. In fact, you closed off that part of yourself. We were never a feeling family when I was growing up."
Jacob chuckled. "I guess Selmak has helped me get in touch with my feminine side."
Sam laughed lightly. After a moment, she resumed a serious face and glanced over at the rest of the group. Martouf stood off with the guards, discussing something of importance with them. She looked back at her father with a look of urgency in her blue eyes. "Dad, Jolinar's memories are... overwhelming."
"What do you recall?" the senior Carter asked, settling down beside the younger.
"Nothing concrete. Just flashes of events," Sam answering, looking down in thought. "Does Martouf speak of her?"
"Not often. But when he does, he speaks of you," Jacob replied, lifting a finger to his lip.
"Whenever he looks at me, I see something strange in his eyes. I don't know what to make of it. It's... unsettling," Sam glanced across the rocks, towards the young Tok'Ra.
Jacob took a deep breath before responding. "He sees a connection in you. A link. I've gathered that so far. But I believe he's taken an interest inyou."
Samantha glanced down uncomfortably. "An interest?"
"He knows that Jolinar is gone. But when he learned of your connection to her, he was intrigued. You carry the only remnant of his dead mate."
She bit her lip for a moment, staring drearily at the ground before hoisting herself up. Jacob pulled himself up quickly and joined his fellow Tok'Ra. The group moved in silence through the brush of the high foothills. They stopped in a tiny clearing, where Martouf motioned for the group to move closer. A strange, yet familiar sound, preceded the transport rings which rose up around the group. The next moment, the small Tok'Ra party appeared underground, as the rings ascended into the crystalline ceiling.
Jacob turned to Martouf, glancing quickly at his daughter. "Martouf, would you escort Sam to a place where she can rest?"
"Of course," Martouf answered, inclining his head. He glanced over at Sam with a faint smile, gesturing for her to follow. "This way."
The pair walked in silence through the brightly lit, crystalline interior of the caves, passing into a dimly lit wing. Martouf removed a torch-like device from a wall and paused, allowing Sam to pass by him. She could feel his gaze upon her and shuddered, for some strange reason. She tried not to make eye contact with him, not knowing whether she'd fall back into a memory lapse unwillingly. Martouf stepped in front of her, waving the light aside, and looking straight at her.
"What is wrong?" his voice was deep and soft.
"Nothing. . .I just. . ." Sam looked away uncomfortably.
He lifted a hand, grazing her jawline in an attempt to look into her eyes. When she finally did, she found herself paralyzed. She moaned softly, closing her eyes.
"You love him," a voice sounded.
"I don't," her mind responded.
"Yes. . .you do," the voice emphasized.
"You do. You're Jolinar. I am merely your host. No. Was your host. Your feelings have no bearing on me."
"Oh, but they do. You've come to accept them. To treasure them. They are a part of you now, just as any of your other memories are. Accept them," the voice echoed.
"But. . .I can't. . .it's complicated. . ."
"What is complicated? You felt something for him during your first encounter. And you feel something again. . .stronger, I sense."
"This is ridiculous. You're dead. You don't exist anymore," Sam cried.
"Perhaps," the long dead voice of Jolinar answered, "but you still can't force yourself to accept that."
"What are you talking about?"
"When I died, you thought you would never be the same. You thought you had lost a part of yourself in the instant. But you have gained far more than you realize."
"Such as?"
"You found a love that you had never experienced before. . .and couldn't let go. But then you pulled yourself away. You thought you weren't worthy," the voice pointed an accusing finger.
"Maybe I'm not," Sam protested.
"You are. If there is one thing I have learned about the people of the Tau'ri, through you, it is that they are capable of so much love. You have feelings for him."
Sam cried out, throwing up her 'hands'. "Do I? I don't know!"
"You do. Every time you hear his voice. Every time you feel his touch, you remember. You remember the time he left me. You feel it as your own pain. And you hunger to be in his presence. Do not deny it."
"He frightens me," Sam admitted.
"Fear comes from ignorance," Jolinar answered. Her words echoed. . ..
"Samantha?" an urgent voice called out.
"What?" Sam muttered quietly.
"You collapsed."
She opened her eyes, wincing at the light that Martouf held close. He pulled it away, allowing her to sit up. "How long?" she asked, rubbing her temples.
"For a short time," Martouf answered.
"I have to sleep. I need time alone," Sam moaned, pushing herself up.
"What happened?" Martouf asked.
"Nothing," Sam said, brushing away his curiosity.
"It was another memory?" Martouf insisted, gripping her wrist.
"No. . .yes. Does it matter!" Sam cried out in frustration.
Martouf's grey eyes narrowed. "It does to me."
Sam turned her head away in anguish for a moment. "Please. . .don't ask any further."
Martouf helped her up, clasping her arm with his hand. She wobbled on her feet, cursing the ravage of the rampant memories she carried, and Martouf caught her. Setting the illumination device down, he lifted her from the ground and into his arms. She surrendered, allowing him to draw her close as he carried her down the passage, and through a dark doorway. He paused for a moment, before setting her down softly on a cot. She turned her head into the pillow allowing sleep to claim her. The last thing she remembered was the touch of his hand upon her face.
The sound of approaching footsteps suddenly sounded loudly in the adjacent corridor. Sam opened her eyes slowly, wincing at the light that seemed to come from no particular point. A few men stepped through the open doorway, followed by Martouf. She made eye contact with him briefly as he shut the door quietly behind the healers. His face held a solemn expression, one which stirred up some concern inside of her. Sam looked at the men for instruction.
One stopped beside her and lifted a hand to her temple. Sam jerked away out of reflex. "What are you doing?"
"Do not worry. We are attempting to scan your brain to assess the distortion," a man answered. He placed a small, triangular shaped device on her temple. Sam cringed as it emitted a high pitched noise in her ears. Her head felt light, and she followed the healers as they directed her towards a chair. The ringing in her ears continued, and all other sounds around her remained mute. Martouf leaned in front of her, looking at her before rising up to consult the Tok'Ra men. They touched the palm control for the device, and the intensity of the ringing rose. Sam instinctively covered her ears, but to no avail. Martouf leaned in front of her again, mouthing out something she couldn't discern. One healer leaned over, pulling off the device. Immediately, her hearing came back.
"What happened?" Sam asked, looking around in confusion.
The doctors murmured amongst themselves, ignoring her completely. Finally, one turned, and answered, obviously with his symbiote in control. "It is too complicated to explain. A Tau'ri could not grasp the concepts."
"Try me!" Sam answered in retaliation.
Martouf glanced over at the healers. "Explain it to her. Samantha Carter is not as ignorant as you think!"
Sam flashed Martouf a look of gratitude.
"In order to purge the memories. . .or at least force them back into your subconscious as before, we must release them."
"In other words, you're going to burn the fever off?" Sam asked, lying back on the medical table in the newly constructed, or grown, medical bay.
"Yes, if you put it that way. You will experience a fury of memories, none like you've experienced before. There are risks. . ." the healer warned.
Sam took a deep breath and smiled grimly. "There are always risks. If this will repair the damage, I'm all for it."
"Once we attach this device to your forehead, you'll experience a moment of disorientation. It will pass. But you'll find unexpected memories surfacing. They will seem very real. Intense. I'm not very confident about conducting this procedure on a Tau'ri," the man explained, holding a metallic pad in the palm of his hand.
"Fine. You've made it abundantly clear about the human part. Just attach the blasted thing," Sam snapped, clutching her head as it began to throb.
The healer leaned over her, placing the device on her forehead. The older man glanced over at Martouf, who had just entered the room. With a nod of approval from Martouf as his sign to continue, the Tok'Ra physician triggered the device's systems. Sam's head snapped back, her mouth open in shock. Her eyes darted from side to side, panic-stricken. But as the initial shock of the device faded, Sam's face relaxed and her eyes flickered for a moment, rolling back, but trying to refocus. The sensation lasted several moments. Sam could hear voices all around. She tried to discern what they were saying, but it was as though a heavy barrier was preventing her from pulling together her senses. Slowly, but gradually, the dizziness passed. Sam's breathing shallowed.
She could feel them coming. All of the feelings and emotions that were bottled up slowing resurfaced. Sam cried out in fear, gripping the side of the table with a white-knuckled hand. Martouf moved to her side, looking down on her with a trace of concern in his eyes. When he saw the fear in her eyes, he placed his hand on hers, lifting it up in a strong clasp.
"They're coming," she sobbed, glancing up at Martouf.
"I am here," his steady, focused gaze added a degree of protection, "let them come."
The emotions that surfaced were overwhelming, to say the least. There were flashes of memories; brief moments that had been etched in her mind. Her mouth moved, speaking bits and pieces of conversations long since passed. And then she saw something pass. . something she tried to keep from surfacing, from exiting her lips. But it was too late.
"She loved you so much," Sam sobbed, looking up at Martouf. "I saw your wedding day. I became her for a moment."
Martouf squeezed her hand, nodding grimly.
"I remember the warm sun on Chia'wan. The shimmering seas of Aloq'ua," Sam whispered, her eyes filling with joy. But after that, she turned her head to the side and wept. "I remember them.Iremember them! And yet, I've never been to those places before!"
"But you have," Martouf answered, his deep voice offering a soothing calm in the storm of her memories. "Perhaps not physically, but in spirit."
"You made a promise to her. . .on Aloq'ua. You promised you would never forget her."
"And I didn't," Martouf responded sadly. "I carried her spirit with me. But she passed from this existence."
"I wish I could understand what you had with her," she lamented, shifting her eyes to the crystalline ceiling.
"You don't have to," Martouf stopped her, "it is part of the past now."
Another flood of memories swept through her mind, and she rolled onto her side. The memory of a day, not too long ago, resurfaced. Samantha Carter recoiled in fear.
"What is it?" Martouf asked, moving closer.
"It hurts," she wept. "Oh god, it hurts."
"Tell me," the Tok'ra urged.
"The day Jolinar took me as a host. Why do I have to remember that? I can't. It's too painful!" Sam cried, covering her face with her hands.
"You are strong, you can fight this," Martouf reassured her.
"The day I met you, you wanted me to take Selmak," Sam shuddered. "You have no idea how much that frightened me. The thought of another Go'uald invading my body. . ."
Martouf glanced away for a moment, his voice growing rough with emotion. "I wanted you to take her."
"Why me?" Sam cried, edging away from him.
"I wanted her near, even if that meant experiencing her through you," Martouf admitted, his grey eyes narrowing. "But I couldn't expect you to accept that. I didn't want to hurt you."
"I wish this had never happened to me!" Sam cried out softly.
Martouf remained silent, looking into her eyes.
"Why did I have to be the one to carry her? To share her memories?"
"Because she knew you were worthy," Martouf answered. "You were the perfect host. You even look like her. Your eyes. . .your hair. . ."
"Stop. . .please," Sam whimpered.
"You look so much like her," Lantesh's voice surfaced. "and yet so different.
From the first time I saw you, I knew you were different. You carry a beauty that surpasses the physical. A naivet that never ceases to. . .."
"Please," Sam interrupted, a shiver running up her back.
Martouf returned quickly. "I'm sorry, Samantha. Lantesh is quick to express what he feels."
"Doyoufeel it?" Sam asked, her voice shaking with uncertainty.
"We feel as one," Martouf answered hauntingly.
A strange sensation gripped her brain. Sam choked in fear, gasping for air. She clawed around desperately for Martouf's hand. He loomed over her, but his actions seemed to slow. She could hear the loud, heavy beat of her heart as it slowed too, Her widened eyes shot around in panic.
But one sound managed to penetrate the eerie quiet that had descended upon her. "She's dying."
To be continued. . .
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