In Her Honour
In Her Honour
by Lori Joan
Summary: After the events in Heroes Parts 1 & 2, here is my attempt to tie up a few loose ends.
Category: Missing Scene/Epilogue
Episode Related: 717 HEROES Part 1, 718 HEROES Part 2
Season: any Season
Pairing: Jack/Sam, UST
Rating: PG
Warnings: minor language
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author(s).
Archived on: 02/12/04
Sam sat at the table in her kitchen. She looked completely disheveled. Her hair was matted down highlighting the fact she'd yet to take a shower in three days. What little makeup she wore was all faded and not really looking like anything that would enhance her features anymore. She was blurry eyed and was staring at the bowl in her hands that contained her half eaten jello.
The memorial, in her opinion, went well. As well as a funeral for your best friend could go. Sam was still in a state of shock and if she was, then she could only assume that Cassie was worse off. But thank God, Cassie was able to go into Sam's guest room (soon to become her more permanent room) and get some sleep. Sleep would be good for her. Time would help to heal her wounds and turn them into fading scars. Sam only wished she herself could get some sleep. Instead, there she was, under the bright lights of the kitchen.
Pulling up outside her house, Jack could see those bright lights. He could tell that someone must be up, as Carter's house did not look at all like it was full of happily sleeping people. He only wished he didn't know the reason as to why; he wished that it was a different reason. That there were three women in there who knew and loved each other and were just staying up late because their company meant something to each other. But Jack knew that wasn't the case. Instead all he would find were two women who had just had their hearts torn from them and shoved into a blender. He knew too well how they felt.
Jack got out of his truck after having parked it and meandered in it for a few minutes. He didn't know if what he was doing was indeed right, but it felt like it, so he had decided to put on a completely new hat and let his heart lead the way. He snuck up the walkway to Carter's house and reached the door. He grabbed the spare key that he was given after knowing her so little. He looked at it and considered it for a while. The trust that had built up between his entire team so fast was so enduring and was a comforting knowledge amongst all the bad things that had happened. Jack knew that even if someday there wound up being no more SG-1, that the trust that made up SG-1 would always be there and thus, Teal'c, Daniel, Carter, and himself would forever be connected. Jack woke himself from his contemplation and put the key in the lock turning the doorknob and opening the door.
Sam heard the creaking from where she was at in the kitchen. She only hoped whatever was about to happen didn't disturb Cassie. Cassie needed that sleep...god she needed it so badly. Even when Sam started hearing the footsteps finding their way to the light, she didn't move. She didn't even look anywhere else but at the bowl of jello which still sat in her lap. She assumed that the only person who could make such an entrance would be the Colonel. She just couldn't figure out the reason as to why. The Colonel never made house calls on matters. Even matters of death. And besides, Sam had made an ass of herself already earlier. Tears in her eyes telling the Colonel how she was so happy it wasn't him who had died. Sam knew that wasn't the connotation she had meant, but she doubted the Colonel did. The Colonel had probably figured out by now how much she loved him. That she was trying to wish it away, get over him, use Pete as a figurehead, tell the Colonel that she wasn't interested anymore, that their time and chances had elapsed, but she knew that wasn't true and he probably did too. Sam listened more as the footsteps reached the kitchen. They stopped, however no words came from Jack O'Neill.
Instead Jack stood there and took in the sight of her. She looked completely miserable and he was not going to be the one to blame her. He knew how hard this was, but he had never seen a so open and vulnerable Major Carter as the one he saw now. She needed somebody and most bitterly ironic, the one who she would probably normally turn to was the one that was being mourned right now. Jack knew that if he owed Carter one thing, it was to step up to the plate and be there for her in any way possible. This way, barging into her house, was the way he thought was best. He stood there a minute or two more still watching her. She hadn't even taken notice to him at all. She just sat staring at the dish she held in her lap. She was very obviously in shock. Jack decided that the best course of action was to walk up to the table at which she sat, pull out the chair next to her and take a seat himself.
Once he was seated, she heard him sigh and felt him look over at her yet again. "Good jello?" he asked. She would have laughed had she been in a better mood. It was nice to know some things would always be the same. And this was one of them. In any bad situation, the Colonel would try to put in some humour, no matter how tough an audience he faced. Instead of a laugh, Sam responded with silence and more staring at her jello. The Colonel said nothing more, though. The silence hung in the air like a comfortable haze. It felt good to Sam to know he was there, to have his presence. It felt more than good; it made her feel safe. And maybe that's another reason why she was so glad he hadn't died out on that field. He was her security blanket...the one who would make everything all right no matter what, but with Janet's help in some cases. Suddenly she wanted to make something completely clear to him. "Sir," she said trying to keep her voice audible, "earlier, when I said I was, ah, really glad you're alright...I didn't, I didn't mean it like I was glad it was Janet and not you...or glad it was anyone else but you...and god, now I'm saying this and it sounds so bad too...I mean...uh..." Sam paused for a second confused by herself and then continued, "well, I don't mean that you're not special to me and that anybody or you, they'd both be completely equal losses, doesn't matter...oh man...what I mean, sir, is ah, I just want you to know how glad I am that two friends, two people that mean so much to me didn't die out there. Losing one is already hell...if it were two, I..." Sam stops abruptly, still staring at the bowl of jello with tears welling up in her eyes.
All Jack can do is sit there speechless. He hadn't known that she had thought that she meant something so oddly sinister. Their relationship walked a fine line, it was true, but he had known what she meant. He had known how much she wouldn't have been able to go on had it been both him and Frasier. Hell, he knew how much it would kill her had it been two of anyone close to her. He sympathised too. After being in the military so long, he knew exactly what she was going through. He wanted to convey that to her, but jerking him out of his thoughts was him seeing her send a hand quickly up to her eyes to retrieve a few unshed tears and then her voice rough as she tried to keep from letting those tears fall, "Sir, please go." All he could do was wonder why. And he voiced his curiosity, "Why Carter? You need someone to be there for you, I'm here."
Sam was unexpectedly angry. She had stepped over the line. No matter what, Colonel O'Neill was still a commanding officer and as one she wanted to refuse to let him see her so weak. She had already messed up in that regard enough this week, but she had slipped and let her weakness show with everyone, not just him. So that, that was understandable. But there was no way she was going to let him be the one that was there for her and know all. Firstly, him being her commanding officer made that wrong. Secondly, that would make that fine line even finer. And to throw in a thirdly, wasn't the comforting omniscient thing Daniel's domain? Or better yet, Teal'c's? Teal'c had already seen her weak once before, but she had known he would understand. And again earlier this week, he had understood. But the Colonel was here now and he seemed like he was going to completely disobey her request. She needed to answer with something that would just get him out, away from her and seeing her pain. So she answered, "I just need to be alone right now, Colonel. Please understand."
Jack understood all too well. He knew exactly what she was trying to do. No matter what happened, when all was said and done he was still her CO. And as his 2IC, he knew exactly what she must be thinking, that she did not want him to see her weak. But it was too late, he was already past that point. There was no way he was leaving her house until she spilled what she needed to. And then at that point, he might leave. But first was the task of getting her to spill. "Yeah, Carter, I understand...I understand all too well. The last thing you need is to be alone. You've had enough alone time. How long have you been sitting here? An hour or two, maybe more? Going through everything in your head, wondering what you could have done differently I'm sure. Well, so many things happened, nothing could have been done differently, so don't even try thinking that you could've have done something that would've fixed things." Jack knew his words were harsh but he also knew it was what she needed to hear. Still, she didn't move, just sitting and staring. He saw her shake a little. Her lip quivered a bit like she was trying to hold the dam on an entire flood of tears. Then he heard something. At least, he though he heard something. It was so quiet, a small whisper of Carter's voice, "It's not fair."
Sam was pissed off inside. She was so pissed off she could hardly breathe, she could barely keep from draining her eyes of all the tears they possessed. She knew the Colonel must have been waiting for this. This was why he was here and now she was too caught up in her own thoughts to do anything but tell it all. "IT'S NOT FAIR, SIR!" She hoped she wasn't waking Cassie up with her raised voice, but she couldn't help it. The Colonel didn't respond. He just sat and waited for more from her. "Sir, we've gone through that gate hundreds of times and yeah, we've died, but never permanently. Janet, she, she went through at most 10 times, if that?? And she's the one to be gone permanently? To not make it?? It's not fair. If anybody should be dead on the other side of that gate it should be me or you or Teal'c or one of the many regular SG teams. That is normal and those are the risks we know we're taking. Janet knew she took risks, but she this was not supposed to be one of hers. This is our domain, our thing to worry about...she should never have had to. And now...god dammit," Sam stopped as the tears started to flow from her eyes. She stopped staring at her jello finally and slammed the bowl down onto the table. She folded her arms onto the table and put her face down into them, crying to herself as the Colonel leaned over and rubbed her back. She had hoped this wouldn't happen, but deep down, she knew it needed to. He was her CO, if anyone should be allowed to see her weak, it should be him.
Jack knew this had been in her waiting to come out. He had thought the same thing already once earlier. Of all the people, the one that doesn't come back is the one who never goes out in the first place? How can life let something like that happen? At this point, he didn't know what to tell Carter. He only knew one thing, "life sucks sometimes." He heard Carter let out a bitter sniffle and a "yeah." And then Jack did all he could think of and he lifted her head up from her arms, cupped her cheeks and turned her face to his. He looked into her eyes and saw the tears flowing freely and he did something he hadn't done in years. Still looking into her eyes Jack O'Neill had revealed the unshed tears in his. And then, in an instant, they were unshed no more. He then wrapped his arms around Carter and pulled her into a hug. "It's bad now Carter, but I'm here for you and I know you're here for me. We'll get through it and we'll save more people just like Janet always did, in her honour."
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