Goldfish Wallpaper
Goldfish Wallpaper
by Lara Ash Lords
TITLE: Goldfish Wallpaper
AUTHOR: Lara Ash Lords
EMAIL: ArchaeAsh@aol.com
CATEGORY: Challenge (#1,444), Humor
PAIRING: Sam/other
SPOILERS: None really
SEASON / SEQUEL: any
RATING: PG
CONTENT WARNINGS: male/female relationship, sexual situations
SUMMARY: It was supposed to be a quiet little meeting between Jack and Sam. Just the two to them together...until Daniel, Teal'c and Apophis came along with food ideas and chat-up lines a pleanty.
STATUS: Complete
ARCHIVE: Heliopolis
DISCLAIMER: I do not own Stargate SG-1, althougth it would be nice if I did. MGM and those Paramount guys who appear to own everything have got their hands on the guys once more (rats!but we love 'em anyway...). I did not get any money for writing this story and I didn't give anybody money for writing it althougth I don't know why I would. Hmmm.......
AUTHOR'S NOTES: An answer to challenge #1444 (Hope you like it Tessa!). Was written when mind was very low on caffine funds so it is proberly not actually very funny. But give it a read anyway. You know you want to.
"Why are there goldfish on the ceiling?" asked Sam, staring up at the celing of Jack's living room.
"Very long story," Jack replied, quickly, not wanting to go right the way througth the story again. He needn't have because Danny Boy was just as good with the explaining.
"We needed something to cover the pancake stains," the space monkey began. "The only things left to cover it with was goldfish wallpaper. Rather artistic, I think"
"Why were you cooking pancakes in the living room?" Sam asked, looking extra confused as she did so.
"It doesn't matter," O'Neill started before he was oh-so-rudely-interaupted by danny boy.
"Oh well," Daniel field the question. "It was pancake day and I was trying to make coffee pancakes. Only problem was I used a bit to much coffee." Jack gave Daniel a funny look. A bit oo much? Understaement of the century! "Ok, so perhaps 75860378207830 teaspoons was little bit oo much but I wanted them to make me really caffine high. Only Jack said he didn't want his kitchen to stink of the stuff so I moved my pancake making to the sitting room. I tried to toss the first pancake but it kinda got stuck to the celing. And for a matter of fact, so did all the others I did....."
Sam looked at Daniel in a very odd manner in deed before returning her gaze to the celing. Apophis noticed this and took his chances. "So, Sam?" he began, coyly. "Do those goldfish kinda turn you on?"
"N...n...ot really," Sam stuttered, trying to move as far away as possible from Apophis.
Jack smacked his hand against his forehead. It was going to be a long night. You see, it had all began when he invited Sam over for some pizza. A nice quiet evening, just the two of them.Of course, Danny Boy just happened to be within earshot (apoxermatly a 778 mile radius) and has grovelled until Jack let him come along as well. Althougth Teal'c didn't fully understand the concept of pizza and that you were not supposed to put it in yourear, O'Neill couldn't help but feel sorry for the guy and had invited him along too. Then of course, they just had to run into Apophis and, with much help from Daniel's big gob, Apophis had been allowed to come with the promise that he would bring booze. Obviously, Apophis didn't actually know what booze was and had turned up with, much to Daniel's delight, coffee. And that about brings us back to the story. (You are still awake, right?)
"I am going to go to the kitchen and get us something to drink," said Daniel, rising to his feet and leaving. There was no point in asking what everybody wanted. Daniel couldn't make anything other than coffee.
Teal'c was still failing to understand what was going on around him. All he could tell was that this pizza substance did not go in your ear. It went in your mouth. Apophis had already eaten pizza before this occasion. It had all started when he was the master of P5x68009 and he ruled along side his faithful frog. Wearing his bright blue masacar and pink feather boa he had....never mind, it's not that interesting.
"So, Sam, do you come here often?" Apophis started up again. Sam gave him a rather dodgy look. Jack went to puke. How could Apophis do this?
"No, I don't," Sam hissed in a very univiting manner. However, gou'ld could never take a hint. No matter how many times you shot them, they still kept coming back!
"Well, your father must be a thief because he stole the stars from the sky and put them into your eyes," Apophis said, cheeky grin across face style.
"I am NOT hearing this," Jack muttered. He slumped behind the couch and began to sing. "1000 green bottles standing on the wall, 1000 green bottles......"
"Sam, would you like to take a ride througth the Stargate with me?"Apophis coyly whispered.
"EWW! YUCK!" Sam screamed on the top of her voice. "I know what that means you pervert! The answers no. Not on my life. Not no way. Not no how. Not..." Suddenly, Sam stopped. She could hear something. There was a strange hissing noise, and it was coming from inside the house. "What's that? Sounds like a snake. Where's the Tok'ra when you need them?"
Suddenly, the whole place went silent. Well with the exception of the hissing noise and Jack going "998 green bottles standing on the wall, 998 green....."
"The Tok'ra are the ones who eat snakes? Right?" Sam gave the whole room her best fake grin as if to say ' you know you want to agree with me really, right?'. Unfortunatly, she was met by a sea of shaking heads (and an "and if one green bottle would accidently fall...")
"It isn't a snake," Daniel stuck his head around the doorway. "I had some left over coffee so I am going to make you some coffee pancakes. That hissing is just the sound the kettle makes when it's about to explode. Which means we might need some more of that goldfish wallpaper...."
Sam and Apophis qucily made a run for the door. All that could be heard was Jack's singing. Teal'c, wha had always wanted to try a new thing every day, finally spoke:-
"O'Neill, I am fairly new to your culture but I think I may have learnt one of your pharse. I hope this is used in context well. Uh-hm.....WILL YOU SHUT UP, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD?!?".....
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