The Fic in which Thor blows up Earth
The Fic in which Thor blows up Earth
by Floopygirl
Summary: Thor has been investigating some of the Earth's resources, namely the internet. He isn't impressed and summons Jack to explain his planet's behaviour.
Category: Humor
Season: Season 5
Pairing: Jack/Sam, none
Rating: FAM
Warnings: none
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author(s).
Archived on: 2005-04-04
Spoilers: minor for Wormhole X-treme
A/N: Um, this is definitely badfic. It can't decide whether to mock, to embrace the cliches or to rebel against them. So it tries to do all three and meanders. scolds fic
This would never have been written without Lyssie's (ill-advised) support. So, um, blame her.
Just to be clear, I'm not parodying anyone in particular. And I like mailing lists. Please don't take this too seriously - it certainly wasn't written that way
xxxxx
Jack rested his head on one elbow, bored out of his mind. Rocks, rocks, more rocks... ooh look, a suspiciously metallic... rock. He sighed - when was Carter going to get to her soil samples and liven things up a bit? The fact that he was looking forward to hearing about ground up rock was scary in itself.
"So Jack, what do you think?" Jack stared at his teammate in disbelief. When was Danny going to learn that he didn't think in briefings. He sat, yawned a bit, drew little grey men sketches on his briefing papers... For crying out loud, did it look like he was paying attention?
He looked around desperately for some diversion. There was no airman fidgeting or checking his wristwatch, the room was devoid of alien bugs, the gate hadn't activated off-schedule in hours.... When was the universe going to give him a break?
He was going to have to bluff it. He drew himself up firmly, looked Daniel straight into his baby-blues and announced, "I agree."
Four pairs of eyes (Jack resisted the urge to turn round in his seat and see if the airman was eyeballing him) fixed upon him. Finally Daniel cleared his throat. "Er, you agree that our mission to that last hostile planet was a waste of time and that we should concentrate on missions which are more science-oriented instead?"
Oh crap. He really hadn't been listening. "Well, you see -"
Cue a flash of blinding white light and one disappearing colonel. Jack drew his hand into a fist and punched the air: another awkward `The Colonel wasn't listening' moment evaded! He turned and stared at his favourite alien.
"Thor! Buddy! Did anyone tell you that you have the best timing?"
Thor just stared back. "O'Neill, I am here because your world is in great peril."
Jack gulped. Crap, not again. "What's happened this time?"
Thor's expression didn't change. (Not that it ever did). "O'Neill, in recent months the Asgard have been investigating your Internet. We have been curious to see what kind of material humans access on it."
Jack felt himself grow pale. He didn't use the web much, but he was aware of what the world's most popular downloads were.
"Thor, you've got to understand that human culture is very different from your own -"
Thor continued as if Jack hadn't said anything. "Mailing lists."
"Because human men, and, ah, some women, take pleasure in... mailing lists?"
"My fellow Asgards and I have been most disturbed by some of the content on these mailing lists."
Jack was utterly bewildered. "They have mailing lists for that?"
Thor stared at the ceiling in a definite `why do I have to be the one to deal with these tiresome humans?' way. "O'Neill, I don't think you understand me."
Jack began to lose his temper. "Thor, I don't actually know what a mailing list is. If you want to talk to someone who understands you, I suggest you beam up Major Carter."
"Very well." Thor touched a crystal on his control panel and, sure enough, Sam appeared in a (very clichd) flash of bright white light, looking all confused.
"Sir?" she asked, turning to him "What's wrong?".
"Thor wants to talk to you about mailing lists," he grumbled. "X-rated ones."
Her big, blue eyes grew startled. "What?" she asked.
Thor stepped in. "Major Carter, we have been studying your Internet to gain better insight into your culture. We have witnessed many strange things, but we have been particularly disturbed by the content on various mailing lists of your planet."
Jack made a sound somewhere between a snort and a yelp, but Sam ignored him. "What kinds of lists?"
"Here is one example, Major Carter." Thor handed her a small device with an info-screen, which she began scanning. Jack wasn't standing closely enough to read it over her shoulder, but quickly scooted towards her. She had it tilted away from him though, preventing him from reading it, so she was squished up against him for no good reason. Shucks!
Sam started to shake with laughter, reading out the odd sentence between snorts. "The Powers That Be are evil twisted bastards, who have no right to keep our star-crossed lovers apart!'... `I don't care what anyone else says, they're Meant To Be Together,'... `You sad losers, get a life, or at least get the hell out of my fandom.'"
She glanced at her CO. "Sir, do you realise what this is? It's the DanningandStacey list!"
Yup, he was definitely in an alternate universe. One of the crazy ones. "The who?"
"Colonel Danning and Major Stacey Monroe? From Wormhole X-treme?" She glanced down at the device again. "It's a list for people who want them to get together; they can chat, argue, discuss the significance of certain `looks'." She started laughing again. "Good grief!"
Jack ignored that last comment - this was all too weird for him. "But I thought they'd only aired one episode so far?" He thought some more. If Danning and Monroe were based on him and Carter, then it meant that all those people were unknowingly rooting for him and Sam to get together. Sweet!
Sam was laughing so hard that he thought she was going to choke. Well, any opportunity to give her the kiss of life...
"It was. It got cancelled after the premiere. This is all from... the... first... episode."
She gave up, practically threw the device back at Thor and bent down, hands on thighs, tears streaming down her face.
My god, they really were MTBT! "So Thor, what exactly is the problem here?" he asked.
He realised that Thor wasn't laughing. "We are most distressed by the discord that exists amongst enthusiasts of entertainment programs on your planet. We believe that it is but one manifestation of an inherent weakness of your species, a propensity towards pointless aggression."
That was ridiculous. "Come on, Thor, give me a break here. You can't be serious?"
"I am very serious, O'Neill. The Asgard High Council has been concerned by your people for some time."
Jack and Sam exchanged looks of horror. From being a joke, this had suddenly turned into a nightmare! Sam tried to intervene.
"Thor, you must understand that the individuals who subscribe to this list, or any others you may have read, represent only a small proportion of our people. You can't condemn the entire human race on their hysteria!"
Jack wasn't so tactful. "Aw, for crying out loud Thor, you've happily ignored wars, violence and high-speed car chases up until this point. Suddenly you're losing it over a bunch of sci-fi nerds?"
"This is a matter of principles. We were able to overlook the car chases, believing them to be a mere eccentricity of your people, but the mailing lists are too much." The little grey man touched another crystal in front of him and a force shield rose up between him and the two humans. "I am sorry that you'll have to see this."
Sam and Jack beat their fists on the barrier in front of them, but to no avail. They watched as he touched a third crystal and a panel rose up from the floor before him. On top was a single red button.
"Thor, that's not even Asgard technology!" Sam gasped.
The alien allowed a small smile to cross his face. "I know, but it seemed appropriate." He paused with his hand above the button. "By the way, we found some of your pornography to be most... interesting." He pressed the button down.
As one, Sam and Jack turned to the view screen. They saw their planet explode into a million, billion, squillion pieces, and then felt a familiar jolt as Thor's ship went into hyperspace. Sam burst into tears, falling into Jack's arms.
Some time later, the ship came to a halt. Jack gently released Sam from his embrace - nothing like a bit of cuddling to make up for the death of everyone on your planet - and stood up. "Thor, what are you planning to do with us -"
They were again engulfed by a bright white light. Jack and Sam found themselves in front of his cabin, staring at his lake. "What the... Thor!" he bellowed.
Sam still sat at his feet, totally in shock. Carters always crumble at the first sign of trouble.
Thor appeared in front of them. "Why, you skinny little -" Jack lunged for the alien but fell through him. "Huh?" he asked as he landed on his ass.
"O'Neill, we believe that you are very important to the human race. We wish for you and Major Carter to propagate it. Therefore we have brought you here with your cabin and lake here, and a lifetime's supply of everything you both might need."
Even Jack could see the hole in that logic. He'd just killed off their entire planet only to ask him and Carter to propagate? Then it hit him: propagation. Mmm...
Carter stood up by his side. "But Thor, what about our children? Who will they propagate with, uh, I mean marry?"
"You and O'Neill should have good, strong children. We thought you could fill the planet with your offspring and then they could have offspring in turn, until your genes are very, very concentrated."
Thor saw the looks of horror on their faces. "Or I could bring your offspring mates from other planets when they are of age, if you would prefer that."
"I think that would be better."
"Very well. I shall leave the two of you to begin propagation."
Jack nearly melted. Propagation... mmm. Before he could get to business, his daydreaming was interrupted by the object of all his fantasies.
"Thor, before you go, could you leave us one more thing? So that our children could learn from our people's mistakes?"
Thor's whole demeanour seemed to soften as the blonde woman spoke. "Of course, Major Carter. What is it you would like?"
She blushed sweetly. "The information device with the list messages on it."
Thor nodded his head wisely. "Of course, Major Carter. I wish the two of you well."
With that his hologram disappeared, leaving behind only the Asgard device. Sam picked it up tenderly and cradled it to her breasts. Jack looked on jealously.
"Sam, you do realise that all our friends are dead."
For a brief moment, a look of sorrow came into her eyes, so intense that he longed to crush her soft curves against him. Who was he kidding, her sadness had nothing to do with it. Then her expression changed.
"And do you realise that we're all alone here, and the regulations are no longer standing in our way?"
He looked at her lips, bowed into a trout's pout. Man, she was hot! And she was here, with him, at his cabin - albeit, hundreds of light years from home. He pulled her towards him.
"Carter, let's get down to some propagating!" He was vaguely aware of her giggle before his lips covered her own.
*****
Sam and Jack propagated lots and lots of times, and had four different sets of twins, each with one chocolate-brown eye and one that was sapphire-blue. One day, when the youngest were five years old, Jack and Sam sat their children down in a circle and handed out bundles of paper: the printouts of the thread which had brought them together.
Jack began. "Now dears. This is why the Asgard wiped out all the humans on Earth."
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