The Depths Of Despair
The Depths Of Despair
by L.E McMurray
Title: The Depths Of Despair
Author: L.E McMurray
Email: louiseellen@mcmurrayc.fsnet.co.uk
Category: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, MissingScene/Epilogue
Episode related: 310 Forever in a day, 311 Past and present
Season: Season 3
Pairing: Daniel/other, Daniel/Share
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: no info given
Summary: Janet helps Daniel understand his own behaviour.
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author(s).
AUTHOR'S NOTES:- I was pretty annoyed that the week after Sha're died Daniel was away with someone else. This is my take on why. Thanks to Stonedtoad for betaing as always. All feedback welcome. Daniel closed his eyes as the cool breeze surrounded him. He looked down over the cliff and seriously thought about stepping off into the abyss. Just closing his eyes and taking that one step into the arms of his wife had crossed his mind several times as he stood alone under the stars.
He wrapped his arms tightly around himself feeling the confusion that filled him rear its head again. Had Sha're meant so little to him that so soon after her death he'd let himself get involved with the first woman who'd smiled at him? Opening his eyes again he looked down, wondering how long it would take him to die if he jumped. Not that any one would really care. Jack, Sam and Teal'c had all been avoiding him lately. They had good reason too after he'd attacked them all during the Kera thing. Kera. He wasn't even sure what he'd been doing with her. She wasn't Sha're, Sha're was gone. All Daniel wanted was to be with his wife. All he had to do was close his eyes and take one step forward.
Janet hiked to the top of the mountain pausing to catch her breath. She'd come looking for Daniel seriously worried about him. She had been watching him throughout blanking Kera's memory; his eyes were filled with pain and confusion. The fact the rest of SG1 weren't talking to him at the moment was also not what he needed.
"Daniel?" she called to him, "Daniel?"
She kept walking finally finding him standing almost on the edge of the cliff. Terror filled her, she wasn't actually sure he wouldn't take that step.
"Daniel," she said softly, "You should come away from there."
"Why?" he asked, despondency in his voice.
"Because I can't talk to you if you've got your back facing me," Janet replied, even more worried he was going to jump.
He smiled softly before taking a few steps back, "Is there something you actually want to talk about Janet because I'd like to be alone."
Janet sighed; Jack should be the one doing this. Jack was supposed to be Daniel's best friend but just now he was away home avoiding Daniel cause they'd argued earlier.
"I was hoping you'd have something to say," Janet told him.
Daniel turned away again looking back over the edge. Taking a deep breath Janet stepped next to him.
"I thought you were afraid of heights? Janet said, not too happy about being on the edge of a cliff.
"I am," he sighed, "But I'm looking up, not down."
"Daniel," Janet said after a few more minutes of silence.
"Yes?"
"I think I'm afraid of heights," she confessed.
Daniel took her arm and walked back away from the edge to a rock further back. He sat down when Janet pulled him to sit next to her. Daniel drew his knees up to his chest and stared at the stars again.
"I thought about it," he whispered, "Stepping off."
Janet felt her stomach clench in horror but kept quiet letting him get everything off his chest.
"Not that any of them would really care," he muttered, "I pushed them all away by getting involved with Kera."
"Daniel," Janet said softly, "You haven't pushed them away. You four argue all the time it doesn't mean they're not your friends."
"Janet," Daniel stared up at the moon, tears shining in his eyes, "What the hell have I been doing? Did Sha're really mean so little to me?"
"I think you know the answer to that one," Janet said softly, "But if you need me to tell you then I will. I know you love her, I know you would have given your life to have saved her."
"What about Kera?" bitterness filled his voice.
"You're grieving Daniel," she reminded him, "It's not unusual for people to do strange things when they're grieving."
When he didn't say anything she took his hand making him look at her, "If you want my opinion of what happened with Kera then here it is. You couldn't save Sha're, no matter how hard you tried and you feel you've failed her. You needed to save someone and you let yourself get involved so you could feel like you hadn't failed."
A few tears slipped down Daniel's cheeks.
"Daniel, you didn't fail Sha're," Janet told him wiping the tears away, "You did all you could and you were the last person she saw before she died. You. The man she loved, her husband."
"But she died," he whispered despondently.
Seeing him about to clam up Janet decided to change tack.
"When we lose people we love we do strange things," she reminded him, "When I was sixteen my best friend passed her driving test and borrowed her Dad's car. We went driving through the country."
She looked over to see Daniel listening attentively.
"It started raining as we were coming home," Janet continued, "The roads got very slippery and she lost control of the car. We crashed into a tree and she was killed instantly."
Taking a deep breath she continued with her story, "After the funeral I started to walk, I just kept walking with no idea where I was going. It started raining again reminding me of what had happened and I just kept walking along the middle of the road not caring. I was almost knocked down by a man called Alex Jenkins. He lived nearby so took me in where his wife gave me some dry clothes and hot food and drink. While there I just spilled out the whole story, how I felt so guilty, how I was ready to die just to get rid of the feeling of emptiness her death had left within me. Alex listened as I talked and talked and talked. Once I'd done that I actually felt so much better, resolved and ready to go on. He took me home after I'd finished making me promise if I needed to talk anymore I'd call him. I did several times, I still do. He was the one who got me interested in being a doctor."
Daniel was watching her as she finished her story, "The moral of the story?" he asked sardonically.
Janet smiled at his joke; "Talking helps."
"Talking," he gave a sad laugh, "If I talk any more about how I feel I think I'll throw something."
"That's not what I mean," she told him, "Tell me a story about her. About the time you were together. In all the time I've known you the most I've heard is how you got married."
"I just can't," he whispered.
"Have you spoken to Jack about it ever?"
After a short pause he shook his head, "I told him a few things when I first got here. I never could find a way to get the words past my throat after Chulak."
"Try now," she told him, "Tell me something."
"Like what?"
Janet pursed her lips in thought, "How about a birthday."
"A birthday?" Daniel mused before he took a deep breath, "About a month and a half after the others left me it was Sha're's birthday," he stared out at the stars again, "Because she was the Chief Elders daughter it was always a big thing not to mention the scores of aunts, uncles and cousins she had."
"So it was a big celebration?"
Daniel gave a soft smile, "Yeah. She hated the big fuss for her; she just wanted a quiet day. With Kasuf and Skaara's help I managed to get a picnic set up in the pyramid. Skaara told her I'd found something that she should see to get her there," he gave a small laugh, "She was so surprised. We spent all afternoon together there before her party just talking and laughing and...and being together it was wonderful. She told me it was the best birthday she'd ever had."
Janet smiled at him, "That's the things you have to remember. Tell me more."
Janet looked up suddenly realising the sun was rising. She'd sat here with Daniel all night just letting him talk, letting him grieve properly and being his friend.
"Janet, I'm sorry," he apologised, looking at the sunrise, "I didn't mean to keep you here. What about Cassie?"
"Cassie was staying with a friend last night," she told him, "Just like I was. Don't worry about it," she stood up and moved to the edge again, "So, are you going to take that step?"
Daniel got to his feet and shook his head, "No, I have to find her son first," he whispered, "And Sha're loved life, she wouldn't want me to throw mine away."
"Come on," she took his arm, "I want to get some breakfast before I go on duty and you need some sleep."
"Janet," Daniel said stopping and turning to her, "Thank you. I haven't let myself think about those memories for so long and I think I denied myself the greatest thing I ever had."
"You're welcome Daniel," she smiled as they started walking again, "Just promise me one thing."
"What?"
"Next time you need to talk let's talk inside."
Daniel laughed, "I promise and I'll be taking you up on that."
"Good," Janet smiled as they headed down into base.
She smiled relieved. She knew it would take him a while to deal with his wife's death but for now he was coping.
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