Imperfections
Imperfections
by Floopygirl
Summary: Set in an AU diverging after D&C. Things are not entirely happy.
Category: Angst
Episode Related: 405 Divide and Conquer
Season: Season 4
Pairing: Jack/Sam
Rating: 13+
Warnings: none
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author(s).
Archived on: 2005-05-12
Things weren't perfect.
The sex was good, but afterwards he'd snore and steal the covers. She knew she could had the choice of sleeping in a different room but then she'd have felt disloyal, so she lay awake and shivered instead, trying not to get angry.
She realised it wasn't conscious on his part, but he still liked to make all the decisions and give her orders. When she pointed out what he was doing he was always incredibly contrite, but apologies only eased her frustration so much. She wanted to punch him and get the message across - nothing like negative reinforcement - but still managed to resist.
They didn't enjoy the same pursuits outside of work - fishing bored her to tears, they could never settle on a TV channel and whenever she opened a book he'd start trying to distract her. Which was a polite way of saying they drove each other nuts. It was all very well deciding to make compromises to be with the person you loved, but living with the reality was difficult, to say the least.
They argued about the amount of time she spent on base - she'd explain that the world was still in peril even though he'd resigned, and then he'd get sarcastic and bitter. At those times she knew it would be better to leave him alone so they could both calm down, but she never did. A tiny part of her wondered if she was trying to rub it in that she was the one still at the SGC and he wasn't, but she'd never do anything that vicious. Would she?
She felt guilty for having let him make the decision to resign without arguing more. At the time it had made sense - he'd been the one with the bad back and knees and she'd been the young major with the promising career. She'd saved the world on countless occasions, and the SGC relied on her scientific knowledge to remain operational.
The only problem was that she hadn't been the only one to keep saving the world. Since his resignation, or retirement, or whatever you wanted to call it, the death toll on base had risen. Young, eager officers had gone to their deaths, and she felt at least partially responsible for each one. He didn't know the statistics - he no longer had the clearance - but he could see the look on her face after each difficult mission, and recently they'd all seemed difficult. She was distant and he was distant, and she wished she hadn't been so eager to sell her house.
It wasn't that she'd expected things to be perfect. The problem was that they weren't even wonderful, or blissful, or any of those other glowing adjectives that she'd once dreamt of using. They were good, but she wanted more than good. They'd sacrificed too much for just `good'.
She missed the days when their feelings for each other were new and scary, when she'd wondered if he really felt anything for her or if it was all in her head. Oddly enough, the uncertainty had been sweet.
She couldn't admit to having made a mistake or having moved too fast - he'd resigned for her, after all, she couldn't just turn around and waggle her fingers in a casual goodbye. She defined herself as someone who honoured her commitments, and she wasn't willing to lose that. It was just that things had been so much easier and simpler, before.
Sam lay in bed, listening to Jack snore, and she shivered.
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