There is method to our maddness
There is method to our maddness
by Raven
There is method to our maddness
AUTHOR: Raven
EMAIL: raven_guest@hotmail.com
CATEGORY: Challenge (#1727), Humor
PAIRING: Daniel/Janet
SPOILERS: none
SEASON / SEQUEL: any
RATING: PG
CONTENT WARNINGS: none
SUMMARY: In reponse to Jolowe's challenge, I couldn't resist. Please send feedback to raven_guest@hotmail.com.
STATUS: Complete
ARCHIVE: Heliopolis
DISCLAIMER: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. We have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the authors. Not to be archived without permission of the authors.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Please send feedback!!!!!
raven_guest@hotmail.com
Challenge #1,727 (Added March 9, 2002)
Must include:
1. Someone going on a recon mission for Chocolate Cake.
2. Cassie must be mentioned.
3. Daniel saving the day with his laser vision.
4. Jack talking technobabble.
5. Sam addicted to rap music.
6. Teal'c running down a hall in his underwear (red)
Submitted by Jolowe
Wednesday...wednesday....could it be anymore boring? At least Thursday leads to Friday and Friday is nearly the wekend but Wednesday....dull!!!!
It had been a long day......too long in fact, never ending, at least it felt that way. We had recently been to some planet, the usual bunch of letters and numbers px3 summit. Anyhoo since coming back, I've been feeling a little, well out of sorts, I seem to have the weirest impulses, like earlier I attacked some guy in the caffeteria for eating the last of the Fruit Loops. I just lost it and whumped his ass. Oh well, the problem is it hasn't ended there, I found myself watching Oprah and crying when some women told the audience how some book had changed her life. I was actually crying (and watching Oprah!!!!). Thank god no one walked in, anyway, in truth I'm finding it a bit worrying, but I don't want to say anything because I can guarentee we will be sent to the infirmary and I have been there 15 times this week! 15 and it's only Wednesday!
Not that I have anything against ol' Doc Fraser but if I have that damned light shone in my eyes again, I'm gunna stick it...
Anyway...
SG-1 were sat in the briefing room, waiting for General Hammond to arrive, a little apprehensive as they had not been told anything about this mission, just that it was an emergency and a mission of mercy, to save a man from madness or something, Jack hadn't been sure of the details, he'd just told Sam that to see her reaction.
The General walked in, looking a little wide eyed, but Jack assumed it was from lack of sleep, or sugar, which ever, it made no difference.
'There is an essential mission I must send your team on Colonel, we recieved word of a special kind of object on the planet px something or other.' Sam looked at him in surprise. Daniel assumed he had been spending too much time with Jack. The General continued. 'Anyway, you must retrieve this object, it is of the utmost value to me, I mean the SGC. We are talking life altering.'
'And what exactly is this object General?' Daniel asked, hoping it might be an artefact or other similar doohicky he could wind Jack up with.
'That is classified, the object will be in the possetion of a mad man, you must use any means nessasary to get it from him. The man is..' he gave a lengthly description and showed photos the unit had sent back.
'Is that clear? Any questions? You must leave immediately.'
He left the room quickly, the rest of the team followed. Sam gestured to Daniel that she was a little worried about the General, but Daniel put it down to the fact that the General had actually joined their last mission and was feeling the after affects. In truth Daniel had been feeling a little weird himself. Instead of watching the documentary about the Inca's on Discovery last night, he had found himself watching an action movie! And he had been cheering on the bad guys! Oh well, the atmosphere had been a little off on the last mission, too much argon or something in the air.
They walked down the the gate room and waited for the gate to be activated.
'Remember what I said, take it by any means nessasary, there is not itme for talking, just take it.'
The General's voice boomed over the P.A system.
Jack nodded an acknowldegement before walking through the gate.
The planet they arrived on looked a lot like Earth, grass, blue sky, breathable air.
Jack realised they were being watched so he raised his gun, as did the others when they got through.
A man stood staring at them, the man they were looking for, but he wasn't armed and he looked far from dangerous, as the General had implied he was a mad man. In his hands he held a box which looked similar to the kind you get from a bakery. Jack eyed him suspiciously.
'Greetings.' Daniel began.
The man ran, screaming, the box held high in the air. As he ran Jack reminded them of what the General had said about there being no time. But he hated to shoot a man who had made no aggresive gestures, also he was running away from them, not at them, it didn't really count as self defence.
A gun went off and the man fell to the ground. Daniel walked forward and retreived the box from the man.
Jack's jaw hit the ground. 'What the hell did you do that for?'
'You heard what the General said.'
'That doesn't mean shoot a man in the back.'
Daniel's eyes widened in what looked like anger.
'Don't start with me Jack, I'm not in the mood.' he began to walk back towards the gate.
'We could have tried talking to him.' Jack started, then thought he sounded like Daniel. He raised an eyebrow and looked at Sam, who looked as equally surprised.
Teal'c by this time was leaning against his staff looking bored as hell.
'Just cut the crap, I wanna be back before MacGuyver comes on.' Teal'c said his voice heavy with sarcasm.
Sam just stared, unable to get the words out.
'Let's just go back, we got what we came for.' Sam said in a placating voice. Daniel dialed back to Earth and they all walked through the gate.
The first thing they saw when they got back through was the General running towards them, it was like slow motion, thud...............thud................thud............
Daniel's eyes widened in fear as he dropped the box in front of him and covered his head defensively with his arms.
The General came to a skidding halt and grabbed the box, tore it open and began to tear the contents to pieces and force them into his mouth.
Jack looked as though he were going to be sick at the carnage he was being forced to watch.
The chocolate cake was smeared around his mouth and all down the front of his uniform, his hands were caked (no pun intended) in the chocolate frosting.
Teal'c looked up to the clock on the wall.
'Oh my god! I'm going to miss MacGuyver!!!' he began to flap his arms around and dance on the spot, he dropped the staff weapon and ran from the room.
'Who the hell watches that crap anyway?' Daniel said, looking over the rims of his glasses.
'I mean have you seen his hair!!!!' He smirked.
Sam shook her head and walked from the room, a little confused and disorientated.
Jack just stood and stared, apparently speechless for the first time in his life.
Daniel walked out in a huff and stormed down the corridors to his office, if any soldiers got in his way, he was shouldering them and barging through.
Jack left the General with the cake, thinking that he can't believe they had to kill someone for a chocolate cake. The more Jack thought about it, the more he felt guilty until his chin began to wobble uncontrollably, he quickly walked to Sam's office hoping for some sympathy. He arrived at the door and heard a loud thumping coming from inside.
Jack knocked loudly, sniffing, trying to hold the tears back.
The door opened, but Jack didn't recognise the blonde staring back at him, she was the same height as Sam but was wearing a half top and a red bandana around her head. He realised the thumping was music of some description, was it rap they called it?
'What up bitch?' The Sam look-a-like greeted him.
'Huh?' Jack said between sniffs.
'Yo wanna come hang homie?' While saying this she gestured largely with her arms, in various rap poses.
'Sure, I guess.' He stepped in and sat at her desk.
'So what's eating you bro?' she said. He just stared and sniffed some more.
'We shot a man for chocolate cake!' Jack said, and burst into tears, grabbing a tissue from the box on her desk (which were for Daniel's sake.)
'Don't let that be gnawin atcha.' she said, still gesturing. He realised her trousers were pulled down slightly to show the top of her underwear, the crotch of the trousers were by her knees and she had rolled up one of the legs up to her knee. She had also gained a lot of heavy gold jewelry, from where he couldn't guess. He cried harder, not really sure what was going on.
'Aw! Man, you're getting my crib all wet!' she said. Jack stood and made a hasty exit and shut the door behind him.
He thought he would be safe if he hid in his office til this had blown over, maybe Oprah was on....
As he came around the corner he ran into Teal'c (literally) Jack was knocked off his feet, but Teal'c just kept running, screaming about how he had missed MacGuyver, but the strangest thing was he was only wearing his underwear, well if you can call it underwear....a tight red thong, Jack had the horror to realise, and his eyeshadow had been more obvious, with mascara, he had definately been wearing mascara!
'Oh my god!' Jack thought. 'Teal'c's turning into a Queen!!!! I mean who else watches MacGuyver apart from middle aged women and Queens!!!!!!' Jack screamed as it hit him and ran to his office, slamed the door and pushed his desk against it so those wackos couldn't get him. He sighed in relief, 'I should be safe in here.' he said quietly.
You'd think that wouldn't you! Not five minutes later he heard a loud banging against his door.
'Jack open the door!' It was Daniel and he sounded mad!
'JACK! OPEN THE DAMNED DOOR!!!!!!' Jack hid under the desk which was still against the door, holding his head and rocking back and forth.
'You have nothing to fear but fear itself, you have nothing to fear but fear itself.' Jack kept saying, trying to calm himself.
Daniel kept knocking and then silence.
'Thank god, he's gone!!!' Jack sighed and came out from under the desk. Just in time to see a hole being burned through the door, it began the size of a keyhole and began to grow, until Daniel stepped through.
'Well hey there, you weren't being nice so I thought I'd let myself in.' He pushed his glasses back up. (apparently he had laser vision, and in the way in which cyclops has it in X-Men, he was safe when his glasses were on.)
'Oh my god!' Jack said.
'Chill Jack, I'm not gunna whump you. I just wanted to ask if you'd noticed anything strange about Teal'c and Sam.'
Jack stared at him, not sure if he was being sarcastic or not. He regained himself slightly.
'Yes, I would say so.'
'By the look of shock in your eyes, I'm assuming you saw Teal'c in his thong!' he smirked.
'uh....yes...unfortunately.'
'So what do you think caused it? I mean, I feel fine.'
'So the laser vision has been with you since birth?' Jack said carefully.
'No, but I think I like it, no one's gunna call me geek again, and no more Daniel whumping!!!!'
'But what about all the fans, they watch it solely to see your ass get whumped.' Jack thought to himself.
'That's how it works, I'm the suave action man, kick ass, get the ladies, dumb as hell but my looks more than make up for that, Teal'c is the token alien with a snake in his gut, Sam's the brains and for the guys and Daniel is for whumping and solving the problem of us being able to understand every alien we encounter.' Jack thought, hoping Daniel hadn't delvoped mind reading skills.
'Whatever you say Daniel.' he said in a placating way.
'So what are we going to do about the others?'
'Well in truth, I think the problem was caused by our mission to px4d.e.a.t.h, we scanned before we left and we found that the atmosphere differed from ours very slightly in the sense that the air contained more argon, hyrogen and several trace elements and compounds that our atmosphere does not contain. Due to this we have been feeling disorientated and we are acting slightly irrationally, as the General accompanied us, he appears to have been affected also. I'm sure it can be rectified if...'
Daniel smacked him across the face.
'What the hell was that for?'
'You were technobabbling.'
'Oh.........thanks. We really need to rectify, I mean fix this!!' He said. 'Maybe Dr.Frasier can help us.'
'Probably, she always has to save our butts and she still gets fewer lines and less pay, and she doesn't get a retirement plan at the end of it!'
Jack raised an eyebrow as Daniel got extremely emotional about the way in which Dr.Fraser was being treated.
'We should go see her right now, before it gets worse.' Jack said, eying Daniel suspiciously,
They arrived at Dr.Frasier's office and found the General lying on one of the beds, groaning in pain.
'What's wrong with him?' Daniel asked, sweet as pie to Dr.Frasier.
'He has stomach ache. Do either of you know what happened to him?'
'He ate an alien chocolate cake.' Daniel said, suddenly the embodiment of calm.
'If you call that eating, he should have just injected it, would have saved his energy.' Jack said, clearly regaining his sarcasm.
The General turned to look at him, then began to lick the chocolate from his shirt when he realised the Dr's attention was diverted.
Jack and Daniel explained the situation to the Dr. She didn't seem surprised after Jack gave a ten minute seminar about the atmosphere on the planet, which included diagrams and sketches, the information from the remote machiney thing and somehow managed to include both Newton's law of gravity and Darwin's theory of evolution. When he finished he looked very please with himself, which Daniel noticed seemed to really impress Dr.Fraser. He growled under his breath.
'So what side affects have you two been having?'
'Well, I can talk technobabble, and I have become excessively sensitive.' Jack said quietly.
Daniel snorted.
'And you Daniel?'
'Nothing, I'm fine.'
'Oh yeah, the laser vision came from a cereal box!' Jack said. 'And you have such an attitude resently!'
Janet raised an eyebrow and carried out several tests on them both.
'Well, I can fix it, but you are going to have to get the other's here.'
'That's not going to be easy..'Jack said but they left and headed for Sam's office.
The same thumping was coming from behind the door. Daniel knocked.
The door opened. 'Danny Man! What a trip! I was just thinkin 'bout yo!'
'Uh, Sam...'
'I'm not Sam, call me Major Damage!' she strikes a dramatic rap pose.
'Uh...ok Major Damage, could you come with us, we have to go see...'
'I dun understand whatcha sayin bitch.'
'Uh...ok....Major Damage, yo gotta....uh...come ride wit me....erm....to da Doc's crib!' Jack looked very pleased with himself and Sam grinned and closed the door behind her.
'Sure, why didn'tcha all say dat!'
After herding Sam to the Doc's office they headed for Teal'c's room.
They knocked and heard a high pitched squeal.
'One moment lovey, I gotta put my slap on, gotta make myself beautiful.'
Jack's jaw hit the ground again. Daniel told him to get a grip, but looked scared as well.
The door opened, Jack fell into Daniel in shock.
Teal'c was stood in pink stillettos, a silk dressing gown with fluff around the collar, left open so the red thong still showed. His makeup was the most startling though, he wore orange eye shadow, pillarbox red lipstick and false eyelashes. Even Jack knew that bright red and orange don't go. On top of that, he wore a long blonde boufont wig.
'How can I help you two gentlemen.' he said in a husky voice, winking at Daniel.
'Uh, Teal'c we have to go see Dr.Fraser......she's uh......having a makeup crises and wanted your advice!.
'Oh my gawwwwd! Outta my way! I have to help a fellow damsel in distress.' He shot off down the corridor, running surprisingly well in the stillettos.
Daniel and Jack ran after him, hoping the Dr had managed to keep Sam in the infirmary. If not, they would have to go track her down *again*.
Luckily when they arrived she was still there, her trousers still halfway down her hips. Jack found it very cute, he then realised when he was 'fixed' he would never use the word cute again, and he took comfort in that fact.
The Dr had managed to make some sort of serum, which Jack could have explained in great detail, had the Dr not stopped him. Just before Daniel was given his dose, he saw the way Janet was looking at Jack. He began to growl again, especially when she took his temperature and made a point of touching his forehead to check he wasn't running a fever. Jack didn't seem to notice, he was too entertained by Sam's embarrasment at having her underwear showing, and quickly pulled her trousers up, blushing.
Teal'c also was surprised and didn't appear to remember anything, he looked down at himself in shock.
'Is this some type of humourous excercise O'Neill?'
'Nope, you put those clothes on, where you found them I can't imagine.'
Janet was still fussing around Jack and Daniel could take it no more, he pulled his glasses down and blasted Jack with his laser beam.
'Oh my god, Daniel, what did you do that for?' Janet fussed over Jack all the more.
'He'll be fine, just knocked him out. Janet has anyone ever told you how pretty you are?'
She blushed profusely.
'Let's say we get out of here, I know this planet that does chocolate cake to die for..'
He held out his arm and together they left to eat chocolate cake to their heart's content.
P.S No Jacks, Teal'cs or Sams were hurt in the writing of this fanfic. Daniel got a papercut, but I had nothing to do with it so I can not be held responsible. Also, I would like to add Jack was not really shot, it was a bunch of expensive special effects, he met the writer of this fanfic and after some Danny whumping they got married and lived happily ever after and are currently fishing in Minesota where the bass grow 'this' big! (and eat Fruit Loops allllllllllllllllll day!)
Teal'c and Sam on the other hand still habour secret habits of rap music and drag queening. Teal'c has won Miss/Mister Texas (with help from the General) and Sam has released an album under the name of Major Damage which can be found in all imaginary record shops.
Daniel and Janet on the other hand have not been heard from since leaving, although we received a postcard simply saying. 'Very happy, both grown fat on cake, have two kids, both have laser vision and an affinity for heavy artilery, called Horus and Isis jr. Sorry about the whole laser thing Jack. Daniel and Janet x.
Hope you enjoyed the story, please send feedback, I've never written one before and want to know if I should bother again!! xxxx Raven O'Neill. xxxxx (hee hee)
If you enjoyed this story, please send feedback to Raven
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