Disney's 'HerculesTM' Stargate Style!
Disney's 'HerculesTM' Stargate Style!
by Ruth
Summary: SG-1 embark on an ordinary mission but three of it's members end up somewhere completely different.
Category: Humor, Other
Crossover: other (not listed)
Season: any Season
Pairing: Jack/Sam
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: minor language
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author(s).
Archived on: 04/13/03
Title: Walt Disney's 'Hercules'(tm) Stargate Style! Author: Ruth
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: Stargate Season 6 and the season 5 ep 'Meridian' and obviously the entire Disney(tm) Hercules film. Summary: SG-1 embark on an ordinary mission but three of it's members end up somewhere completely different. Disclaimer: Ok, 'Hercules' the film is a Walt Disney(tm) production through and through, I had nothing to do with it! The screenplay was written by Ron Clements, John Musker, Bob Shaw, Donald McEnery and Irene Meechi. The song lyrics were written by David Zippel. NO COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT INTENDED!! I AM MAKING NO MONEY FROM THIS WHATSOEVER. Please don't sue me. And, as you all know by now, Sam, Jack, Teal'c, Jonas Quinn and Jonas Hanson, Apophis, Sgt Siler and Janet do not belong to me, they belong to MGM, Double Secret Productions and Gekko Film Corporation.
Four months had passed since Daniel Jackson's ascension. General Hammond had, to the disgust of Jack O'Neill, assigned Jonas Quinn to SG-1. They were about to embark on a mission to PBX-179, for a routine 'meet and greet.' This was the kind of boring mission that Jack hated. Major Samantha Carter saw the grumpy look on her CO's face as they waited by the ramp. She flashed him a smile, and tried to cheer him up.
"C'mon Colonel. You never know, we might find something interesting!" He allowed himself a small smile.
"Chevron 7 is Locked!" said the technician. Jonas grinned widely as the Stargate opened. Teal'c looked at Jack and Sam in confusion, unable to comprehend how it could still be interesting. Jack merely shrugged, and stepped through the gate. When he reached the other side, Jack was shocked to find that Teal'c, Sam and Jonas were not with him. He turned around to watch as the gate shut down and was surprised when it did so - and completely disappeared!
"What the hell?" asked Jack, instinctively reaching for his rifle. When he looked down at his hands, however, he saw that the rifle was gone.
"Jack!" called a voice he recognised. He looked up in amazement and saw Sergeant Siler.
"But..." Jack said, "Siler, aren't you?"
"C'mon, Jack! Your dad's gonna blow a fuse!" shouted Siler. Jack was shocked to see he was wearing a toga.
"M...my dad?" asked Jack. Siler, what the hell is going on?" He wrenched his arm away from the younger man, a little more roughly than he had intended, and sent him flying to the floor into a pile of rubbish. Jack looked around him in horror - there was no doubting the fact that he was in Greece!
"Jesus, Jack! You don't know your own strength!" moaned Siler from the ground. "You're only 15 and..."
"Whoa, Siler! You know for a fact that I'm fourty-nine!"
"Yeah, of course, Jack. You certainly punch like it! You really don't belong here, you know that? Weirdo!" With that, Siler walked away.
"Uh..no!" Jack agreed. He looked down at himself, aghast. He was fifteen again! Well, his body was that of a fifteen year-old, but his mind was still the ageing CO with a quest to out-sarcasm everyone.
"I don't belong here!" said Jack, tossing a stone off of a cliff edge that had mysteriously appeared before him and watching it bounce across the surface of the water. I have often dreamed
Of a far-off place,
Where a great, warm welcome will be waiting for me. Where the crowds will cheer, when they see my face And a voice keeps saying, This is where I'm meant to be! I will find my way, I can go the distance I'll be there some day, If I can be strong! I know every mile will be worth my while, I would go most anywhere to feel like I belong... Jack looked around himself in confusion. Had he just been singing that? No, surely not! Suddenly, a thought came into his head. The thought was that he needed to go to Mount Olympus, which he had never heard of! I am on my way, I can go the distance! I don't care how far, somehow I'll be strong! I know every mile will be worth my while! I would go most anywhere to find where I belong! Jack then found himself standing outside the Temple of Zeus. Wait a minute, he thought, this day was turning out to be a whole lot like a Disney(tm) film, but he couldn't remember the name of it! All he knew was that he'd watched it with Cassie.
"You must seek out Philatities!" said a voice.
"Phila - who?" Jack asked, but was interrupted when a white horse with a blue mane and tail - and wings - flew down from the sky and trotted up to him, snorting.
"You're Pegaseus, right?" Jack asked. The horse only whinnied in reply, helping Jack to realise that he was talking to a horse! Jack got onto the horse's back and the pair of them took off. Pegaseus was an efficient flier! He touched down on a small island, and when they got there a round door opened in the side of a hill. Out of the door came -
"Teal'c??" Jack asked in disbelief.
"Never heard of him! Call me Phil!" said the bloke who looked exactly like Teal'c. Three weeks later, Jack was still training with Teal'c...sorry, Phil, desperate to become a True Hero. It takes more than sinew
Comes down to what's in you
You'll have to continue to grow!
Climb that uphill slope
Keep pushin' that envelope
You're my one last hope so it's up to you!
"Next stop, Olympus!" said Jack.
"Whoa. Slow down a minute! Saddle up kid, we're goin' to Thebes!" said Teal'c. As the two of them were flying on Pegaseus, they heard a woman's scream.
"Sounds like your first D-I-D, kid!" said Teal'c.
"A what?" asked Jack.
"Damsel in distress!" shouted Teal'c, as Pegaseus made a dive for the ground. The three of them looked cautiously around the edge of a bush. Jack's eyes nearly fell out of his head. In the clearing, he could see Sam. She was wearing a purple dress, fitted perfectly to her slim figure. He also noticed that she was beingg chased by a huge, blue creature with four legs. It picked her up and held her, clutched tight ion its soaking fist.
"Put me down or I'll...!" Sam began, then she looked at Jack in annoyance.
"Ooh, I like 'em fiery!" the creature smirked.
"First, assess the situation!" began Teal'c, but Jack was already marching up to the creature. Sam was involved in an argument with it when she turned around and cast Jack another exasperated look.
"Step aside, two legs!" snarled the creature.
"Pardon me sir, but I'm gonna have to ask you to release this young lady..."
"Keep going, Junior!" said Sam, her voice laced with sarcasm.
"Uh, aren't you a damsel in distress?" asked Jack.
"I'm a damsel, I'm in distress - I can handle this. Have a nice day!" After trying to argue, Jack found himself flat on his back with his legs in the air. Just five minutes later, however, the creature was nowhere to be seen after Jack had kicked it's ass!
"Is wonderboy for real?" asked Sam, shaking the water out of her hair.
"Of course he is real," said Teal'c.
"Did they give you a name along with all of those rippling pectorals?" asked Sam, as Jack came over to her, entranced at finally seeing her in a dress.
"Uh...Sam?" he paused. "How'd you get mixed up with..."
"Well, ya know men. They think no means yes and get lost means take me I'm yours! Bye Bye, wonderboy!" said Sam, walking slinkily away as Jack and Teal'c took off on Pegaseus. Sam was standing by herself when she felt a cold breeze wash over her - Jonas Hanson.
"Sam, my love, my little sun spot, what's going on here? I thought you were supposed to persuade the guy to join my team!"
"I gave it my best shot but he made me an offer I had to refuse," she said, walking away from him.
"Well, you know your sentence?" he asked, "I'm just gonna add two years on!"
"Look, Jonas, it wasn't my fault! It was this fly-boy Jack." Jonas paused for a moment. "What was that name again?"
"Jack," said Sam, "Jack O'Neill."
"WHAT???" Jonas Hanson exploded.
Meanwhile, Jack, Teal'c and Pegaseus were having trouble in Thebes with the local population - they were less than welcoming. In fact, the only way Jack eventually gained their trust was by rescuing a couple of children from a rockslide. Little did he know, the children were actually two servants of Jonas Hanson in disguise. When Sam came to warn him, he pulled her up onto Pegaseus' back and the horse took great delight in scaring her. They took off into the air. After he had rescued the boys, they took off up the mountain path to see Jonas Hanson, who was sitting on a black throne eating snails out of a bowl.
"It's two thumbs way way up for our leading lady Sam!" Jonas grinned evilly. Get out of there while you still can, Sam said sadly to herself. Jack was bragging to Teal'c about his victory when they heard some very disconcerting sounds - it turned out to be a Hydra, sent by the evil God Jonas Hanson. With his sword, Jack attacked the creature. As he cut off it's head, he was alarmed to see three more grow in its place.
"Will you forget the head-slicing thing?" Teal'c yelled, after about twenty heads had appeared on the Hydra. After a large struggle, Jack slammed his fist into the cliff face, causing a rockslide that crushed the hydras, killing them. Sam looked down at the ground - but cries of celebration were heard as Jack emerged from the rocks. From that moment on, Jack could do no wrong! All the women of Thebes adored him, children looked up to him and he was treated as a hero, much to Jonas Hanson's continued anger and disgust. Sam laughed. "The game's over Jonas! You can't throw any curves at him!"
"Hmm. Maybe I haven't been throwing the right curves at him, Sam my sweet."
"Don't even go there!" she glowered.
"C'mon, Sam, fly-boy has gotta have a weakness! Everybody has a weakness!" said Jonas. "You, for example, sold your soul to me to save your boyfriend's life. How did he repay you? By running off with some babe!" Jonas smiled at Sam wickedly.
"Look," she said, "I learned from my mistakes."
"I know," said Hanson, "Which is exactly why I think you'll jump at my next offer. You help me bring down wonder-boy and I'll give you the thing you crave most in the entire galaxy. Your freedom!" Sam dropped the vase she was carrying. The next day, Jack was trying to avoid a group of women that were constantly following him. He hurried behind a curtain and waited for them to go away. Sam grinned as she saw a pair of feet poking out from the bottom of the curtain.
"Hmm, let's see. What could be behind curtain number one?" she asked, pulling the drape back to reveal an embarassed-looking Jack O'Neill. He was amazed when Sam asked to spend the afternoon with him. They had a wonderful time. First they saw a play, then they went out for a meal and finally had a cruise along a lake in their own boat. Now they were standing together, alone in the twilight.
"Thank you, Sam," he said.
"Oh," she gasped, falling into his arms. "Sorry, dodgy ankle!" Jack reached up and pulled a white rose from a tree, handing it to Sam.
"Thank you," she said.
Jack took her hand in his and kissed it. Her eyes sparkled in the sky. They leant in towards each other but before they could kiss a very angry Teal'c shone a flashlight onto the two of them, breaking them apart. Sam watched them fly away, and sighed happily as she looked at the flower. Then, she put it down.
"What's the matter with me?" she said aloud, "You'd think a girl would learn..." If there's a prize for rotten judgement I guess I've already won that
No man is worth the aggrivation,
That's ancient History, been there, done that Janet and her infirmary staff started singing with Sam. Who d'you think you're kidding?
He's the Earth and heaven to you try to keep it giving, honey we can see right through you.... Oh no...
We know how you're feeling
Who you're thinking of!
Whoa
No chance, no way, I won't say it, no no! You swoon, you sigh, why deny it, uh oh? It's still a clich, I won't say I'm in love! Shoo-doo, shoo-doo, oooooooohhh
I thought my heart had learned it's lesson It feels so good when you start out
My head is screaming: get a grip girl! Unless you're dying to cry your heart out, ooooh! You keep on denying who you are and how you're feeling Baby we're not buying, honey we can see your problems When you gonna own up that you've got got got it bad? Oooooh, no chance, no way, I won't say it no no! Give up, or give in, check between, you're in love! This scene won't play, I won't say I'm in love! (Read our lips you're in love!)
You're way off base, I won't say it!
(She won't say it, no!)
Get off my case! I won't say it!
(Come on, be proud, it's okay you're in love!) Oooooh, at least out loud
I won't say I'm in love
(Sha-la-la-la-la-la haaaaah)
Sam's happy dreams were interrupted by the arrival of Jonas Hanson.
"Hey, what's the buzz, Sam? What is the weak link in wonderboy's chain?"
"Get yourself another girl, Jonas, I'm through!"
"Sam, aren't we forgetting one itsy-bitsy but ever-so-crucial little tiny detail? I OWN YOU!"
"I don't care! I won't help you hurt him!"
"Sam...."
"Besides, o powerful one, you can't beat him! He has no weaknesses!" she laughed joyfully. Jonas just smiled. "I think he does, Sam." He pulled the rose from her hand. "I really think he does." Sam's face fell.
Jack was training with Teal'c. Teal'c was trying unsuccessfully to tell Jack that Sam worked for Jonas, but he just wasn't listening.
"SHE'S A FRAUD!" Teal'c yelled.
"Stop kidding around!" said Jack.
"I'm not! She's nothing but a two-timing, lying, s-" Teal'c got no further, because Jack smacked him hard in the face and sent him flying to the floor. Teal'c walked away sadly.
"FINE!" yelled Jack, "I DON'T NEED YOU!" Just as Jack was stretching his muscles, Jonas Hanson appeared before him.
"Hey! My name's Jonas Hanson, lord of the dead, how ya doing?"
"Leave me alone!" said Jack.
"Would you mind taking a day off from the hero business?" asked Jonas.
"You're outta your mind!" said Jack.
"Well, ya see, I have a little leverage you might want to know about!" He clicked his fingers. Sam appeared, bound in chains and gagged in Jonas' arms.
"Don't listen to him!" Sam yelled desperately. It was then that Jack made the crucial decision to ignore Sam and relinquish his strength to Jonas. He fell to the floor in agony.
"Sam, my beautiful goddess, the deal's off. You're free to go!" He snapped his fingers and the chains binding her disappeared.
"Oh Jack, isn't this great?" Jonas taunted, "Ya see, Sammy here was working for me all the time!"
"What?" asked Jack, looking at Sam in agony.
"It's true," she said, hanging her head. Jonas laughed evilly. "Now I will rule over all of the world! Ha ha ha ha!"
"Jack," said Sam, bending down to try and help him.
"Leave me alone, bitch," he grunted, heaving himself up and walking away.
"Jack!" she sobbed.
"Goodbye my sweet," said Jonas, kissing her neck before leaving in his chariot of death to wreak havoc in Greece. Jack, meanwhile, was having trouble fighting a large cyclops that looked scarily like Apophis. Because of the loss of his strength, Jack was unable to defeat the cyclophis. (Cyclops Apophis) Sam ran to get Pegaseus to get Teal'c to help him.
"Teal'c!" she shouted, as he was about to board a boat out of Greece.
"What the hell do you want?" asked Teal'c.
"Jack needs your help!" Sam shouted.
"Why does he need me? He's got you!" said Teal'c bitterly.
"He won't listen to me!" she sobbed.
"Finally seen sense, then," Teal'c muttered.
"Teal'c, if you don't come now he'll die!" Teal'c rushed over to Jack's fallen body.
"C'mon, Jack! You can do it!"
The sudden reappearance of his friend and trainer helped Jack to knock over the Cyclophis, but in doing so he dislodged a large pillar. It began to fall - heading straight for Jack!
"Jack - look out!" Sam yelled, pushing him away but becoming trapped under the pillar herself.
"Sam - Nnnnnoooooo!" Jack yelled.
She was still alive, but only just.
"Why'd you do that?" he asked.
"People always do crazy things when they're in love," she smiled weakly.
"I love you," said Jack.
"I love you too," said Sam. She drew in her breath sharply, and died.
"NNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" yelled Jack. With all of his strength, Jack pulled the pillar up off of her body and regained his powers! Now he was a true hero, he headed to Jonas Hanson's evil mountain base to regain Sam's soul. He reached the mountain and saw below him a horrible sight. A green pool of murky water in which the souls of recently dead people spiralled into a pit of nothingness. With his keen eyesight he noticed Sam floating along with the rest of them. Without thinking, he jumped in and began to swim towards her.
"Oh, did I forget to mention this? You'll be dead before you get out!" Jonas yelled. Jack swam towards Sam's soul, but as he did so, he began to age rapidly. He grasped her hand in his and swam back towards the evil mountain. Jonas gasped in horror as he stepped out of the water, Sam's soul in his arms and a curious yellow glow surrounding him.
"No! You'd have to be a ..... G...God!" Jonas stuttered. For good measure, Jack kicked Jonas into the water and watched him float away to an early grave. Good riddance. He then returned to Sam's body and gently laid her soul back into her. He smiled as she came back to life in his arms.
"Sam," he smiled.
"Jack."
Then they kissed. Teal'c cheered and Pegaseus whinnied happily, or whatever horses do when they're feeling jubilant. Jack didn't know why, but he was trying to remember the name of a Disney film...
"Hercules!" Jack shouted.
"What? General, he's awake!" said a familiar voice. Jack opened his eyes and saw Janet Frasier standing over him.
"Sam! Teal'c!" Jack shouted.
"It's okay, Colonel, you're in the SGC," said Janet. He tried to sit up, but found that he was unable to.
"Easy, Colonel, you were drugged pretty heavily."
"Sweet," he murmered, and went back to sleep again. Two weeks later, Jack, Sam and Teal'c were sitting in Jack's living room. Jack and Sam were drinking beer, Teal'c had to make do with water (so that his symbiote wouldn't get pissed!)
"So how come Jonas Quinn wasn't affected by this drug?" asked Jack.
"I believe his species has something in their genetic makeup that made him immune," said Teal'c.
"Teal'c," asked Sam, "Shouldn't your symbiote have neutralised whatever we were drugged with?" she asked.
"I believe it should have done, Major Carter. I do not understand why it did not."
"Was it just me," asked Sam, "Or were the two of you...?" she laughed nervously.
"Please elaborate, Major Carter," said Teal'c.
"Well, it seemed like we were all part of a..."
"A Disney film?" asked Jack.
"Yeah!" Finished Sam. "I think it was..."
"Hercules."
Sam and Jack looked at Teal'c.
"I believe that is what it is entitled."
"At least we're back home now, and everything is normal."
"Yeah." Jack paused. "Did either of you, uh, start..singing?"
"Sam blushed. "No!"
"No, neither did I!" Jack added quickly.
"I did not, O'Neill," said Teal'c.
"What a relief!" said Jack, and Sam nodded. Teal'c just smiled knowingly, and toom a sip of his water. THE END
Author's note: Well, that was crazy, wasn't it? Feedback appreciated: samcarterusaf@yahoo.co.uk Thank you for reading! Ruthie xxx
If you enjoyed this story, please send feedback to Ruth
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