Lemon Crush
Lemon Crush
by Ruth
Summary: Sam gets her own back on McKay with some help from Jack. (Implied adult situation at the end but it's nothing - honest!)
Category: Humor
Episode Related: 514 48 Hours
Season: Season 5
Pairing: Jack/Sam
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: minor language
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author(s).
Archived on: 04/06/03
Title: Lemon Crush
Rating: PG-13 (Language, implied adult situations) Spoilers: 48 Hours
Disclaimer: None of the characters belong to me, they belong to the lovely people at MGM Worldwide, Gekko, Showtime and Brad Wright. Summary: After McKay's comment to Sam (in the commissary) during '48 Hours', I had to get my own back! ~ Lemon Crush ~
By Ruth
Sam sat alone in her lab, fuming. That idiot McKay! How dare he call her that? She wasn't dumb, and he had the sex appeal of a........ of an..... She was trying to think of a word to fill the gap when she heard her door creaking open. "McKay," she said, "If that's you, you can go f..." "Carter?"
Sam blushed. It was Jack.
"Sorry, sir, I was just..."
"Having problems with McKay?" he asked. "Yeah, bigtime." She fumed.
"What'd he say?" asked Jack.
"He said it was a shame that he was so attracted to me. In his own words: I've always gone for dumb blondes. Very sexy." Jack's eyes widened. "He said that to you?" "Yep. I tell you sir, I was gonna hit him." "Why didn't you?"
"Well you see, the idiot is mortally allergic to citrus, and I had lemon chicken on my plate - which, by the way, I didn't get to eat, and he said that if he so much as touches any, he'll...." Jack grinned. Sam saw his expression.
"Sir?" She giggled. "We can't!!"
The sound of Sam giggling just made his grin even broader. "We're not gonna kill him, Carter, just have a little bit of fun. C'mon, you know Gary in the comissary, right?" "Yeah. Actually, McKay gave him the lecture about the chicken." "Even better!"
McKay sat in the briefing room, wondering where Major Carter and Colonel O'Neill were. General Hammond looked at his watch. They should have been there ten minutes ago. "Would Major Carter and Colonel O'Neill please report to the briefing room!"
Sam laughed as Gary did a perfect impression of McKay's lemon chicken problem. Jack smirked. "Would Major Carter and Colonel O'Neill please report to the briefing room!" "Oh damn it! Carter, we have a briefing!" "We've got to go, Gary - you okay with our plan?" "Oh yeah, Sam. Definitely! We'll give the bastard a fright!" "Thanks Gary - we owe you one!" said Jack. Then, Sam and Jack jogged to the briefing room.
As the two of them arrived in the briefing room, Sam and Jack were met with a variety of glances. Glares from General Hammond and Dr McKay, a confused look from Janet and an enraged one from Colonel Simmons. "Major? Colonel? Where the hell have you been?" "Sorry sir, we just lost track of time," said Sam. "Yeah. Citrus - elf down, Carter. We could be here some time." Sam snorted and tried to disguise it as a sneeze. Jack kept a perfectly straight face as he held the chair for Carter, then sat down next to her. "Something amusing about being late to a briefing, Major?" asked Colonel Simmons. "No, sir. I apologise for my lateness." McKay glared at Jack and Sam.
"Dr McKay, you may begin," said General Hammond. The young scientist stood up and looked at Simmons. "Well sir, I believe my theories to be a lot more substantiated than the conjecture of Major Carter." "Uh...excuse me? Major Carter is the world's foremost expert on the Stargate!" said Janet. "Not any more, sweet cheeks." Janet raised her eyebrows in disgust. "From now on, I'm the number one!" "Number one lemon," said Jack, placing extra emphasis on the lemon part. Sam snorted again. "Dr, I'm happy that you managed to get your head out of your ass long enough to be able to speak," said Sam. This time it was Jack's turn to snort. "MAJOR! That is insubordination!" said Colonel Simmons. "Actually, Colonel, it can only be classed as insubordination if I was addressing a senior officer. McKay is not even a minor officer - he's a civilian." "Major! You have interrupted this briefing enough! Doctor, you may continue!" "As I said, Major, you have been doing it wrong for five years." "I apologise," said Sam, sarcastically. "If you re-activate the Stargate you will certainly wipe clean the buffer and kill Teal'c." "Doctor, Major Carter has already established that," said Jack, coldly. "Yes, but what your precious Major has not established is that you need a DHD to properly work your Stargate. Her pretty computer program just isn't good enough for the job." Jack shook his head. "No, of course not. Very, very bad, Major!" Sam hung her head in pretended shame and tried not to laugh. "What do you think, McKay? Ten or twenty lashes?" "Colonel, do you have to be so pathetically immature about everything?" asked McKay. Janet was looking at Sam and Jack in surprise, but with amusement. They were acting like a couple of naughty schoolchildren. It was funny!
An hour later, Sam and Jack were the first to leave the briefing room so as not to be kept behind by Hammond and Simmons. They went straight to her lab and collapsed with laughter. "Did you see his face when I said citrus?" asked Jack, between splutters of laughter. "Yeah - and when you asked him about the lashes - I nearly died trying not to laugh!" Just then, Gary walked in pushing a tray that was covered with a sheet. He looked amused at Sam and Jack in fits of laughter. "What's funny, guys?" he asked.
"Oh, we just had to get him a little hot," said Jack. "And it worked - very well." "We'll tell you just as soon as we're done here," said Sam. "Okay guys, here it is!" Gary pulled the cloth off of the tray. On it were no less than a hundred lemons, followed by about a hundred oranges. Jack smirked. "Boy, are we gonna have fun!"
McKay had just finished a conversation with Simmons about how appalingly bad Sam's computer dialling sequence was, when he decided to pay a visit to Major Carter's lab, to try and annoy her again. It turned him on seeing her mad at him. When he'd told her that he thought she was sexy in the commissary he thought she was going to hit him. He would like to see her that mad again. As he approached Sam's office, he heard muffled giggling. He wondered what on Earth she was doing in there. Tentatively, he pushed open the door.
"Oh, yeah - Carter, that's nice."
McKay froze. That was Colonel O'Neill. "Mmm, it is, isn't it? Want some more?" "Oh, definitely. Gimmie more! Mmmmmm...so cold" McKay blushed as he heard groans of pleasure. "Okay, okay, now your turn Sam - open your mouth!" "Mmm....oh, Jack, you really know how to make it." "I know, Carter. It's so nice, isn't it?" McKay's cheeks were beginning to flush. What the hell were they doing? "I've gotta get some more," said Jack, keeping his hand over Sam's mouth to stop McKay from hearing her giggling. He stood up and saw, right on cue, McKay standing at the door. "Dr McKay? What are you doing here?"
McKay looked down at an empty jug in Jack's hand. Jack saw him looking. "Oh this - Carter and I were just having some lemon juice! Want some?" "Wha....you were...drinking...lll....juice?" "Sure," said Sam, coming out from behind her desk. "What did you think we were doing?" "I......I gotta go," said McKay.
"Sam - I want some more!" said another voice from behind her desk. McKay paled. "W...who is that?"
"Oh, that's just Gary. We all like to drink, it helps us to relax. Yep, you'll often find us in here, swallowing...." "Well, thanks Major but I really have to go!" "Oh, won't you stay for some orange?" asked Jack. "We've always room for one more!" "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" McKay screamed and ran out of the door and down the corridor. Sam, Jack and Gary collapsed into helpless laughter on the floor, all unable to speak for several minutes. "Did you see his face?" asked Sam, laughing so much that she had to lay down again. "After which part?" asked Jack. "Jeez, he thought we were having a........" "I know!" spluttered Gary. "Oh, thanks, guys. You know, a court martial would almost be worth it after that!" "Yeah. Lemon juice, anybody?"
"Oh sure, thanks!"
THE END
Author's note: Had ya worried for a moment there, didn't I? Be prepared for more McKay bashing in the fics to come....Feedback at samcarterusaf@yahoo.co.uk
If you enjoyed this story, please send feedback to Ruth
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