The Termigator
The Termigator
by Ruth
Summary: SG-1 are screwed. Captured and disarmed by Apophis, their future looks bleak until a tall, dark stranger wearing a black leather jacket and shades arrives, with a honkin' huge gun! Yes, it's TERMINATOR!
Category: Crossovers, Humor
Season: any Season
Pairing: Jack/Sam
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: language, violence
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author(s).
Archived on: 08/04/03
Title: The Termigator
Rating: PG-13 (Violence, Strong Language)
Spoilers: Stargate: None, Terminator: All 3 of the films
Archive: Heliopolis, Gateworld, Paradise Lost, Fanfiction.net, SJD yes, Jackfic
Details: Terminator/Stargate SG-1 Crossover, Humour
Summary: SG-1 are screwed. Captured and disarmed by Apophis, their future looks bleak until a tall, dark stranger wearing a black leather jacket and shades arrives, with a honkin' huge gun! Yes, it's TERMINATOR!
Disclaimer: All publicly recognisable characters and places are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret productions. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended. Previously unrecognised characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.
Obviously, 'Terminator' is a hugely successful film series and I have nothing to do with any of it. No money has exchanged hands, please don't sue me! It's not mine!
~ The Termigator ~
Copyright (c) 2003 Ruth
"Sir, we're surrounded on all sides!"
"Dammit! Freakin' Goa'uld snakeheads..."
"Jack, this is not the time!"
"Indeed, O'Neill, Doctor Jackson has a valid point. Your sarcastic comments will be of no use to us."
"Teal'c!"
"They're firing upon us, sir."
"Fall back! Fall back!"
SG-1 raced through the undergrowth away from the oncoming attack, being lashed at by weapons fire and rockets being launched from the array of ships.
"In here!" Daniel shouted, and they raced into a cave.
"Phew, that was close," said Jack, leaning against a wall.
"On the contrary, you have failed!" said a horribly familiar voice.
Jack wheeled around to see Apophis standing in front of him, with an evil smile on his face. Before they could do anything, SG-1 had been zatted and were being dragged towards Apophis ship...
MAKE: T-1000
SERIAL NUMBER: 83902 835 222
CHOSEN WEAPONRY: AIR RIFLE, CHAINSAW, MACHINE GUN
MISSION: ENSURE SURVIVAL OF SAMANTHA CARTER AND JACK O'NEILL
CHOSEN METHOD OF TRANSPORT: PUSHBIKE
"I need a new vehicle," the T-1000 moaned, as he rode his pushbike along the rough terrain of Apophis' home planet.
When Jack woke up he found himself in a small room of Goa'uld design. Carter, Daniel and Teal'c were with him.
"Daniel," he groaned, pulling himself into a sitting position, "Remind me to maim you if you try to lead me into a cave again."
"It's not my fault!" Daniel said, sitting up and rubbing at a bruise on his forehead.
"Daniel, you were the one that led us into that freakin' cave in the first place!"
"You told me to look for cover!" Daniel protested.
"Yes," Jack grouched, "But did you look inside, first? No, you didn't."
"Arguing will not help us to escape, O'Neill," Teal'c pointed out.
"Thanks for pointing that out, Teal'c."
"It is not a problem, O'Neill."
"Carter? You okay over there?" Jack asked, squinting at the other side of the room.
"Fine, sir," she replied, "But my weapons are gone."
"As are mine," Teal'c replied.
"Agh, for crying out loud!"
The T-1000 was riding his bike when he saw a jaffa ahead of him on a quadbike.
Getting off of the pushbike and bending it into a boomerang shape, he threw it at the jaffa and knocked him off of the quadbike. Then, he ran up to it and jumped on.
"This is a much more effective method of transport," he observed, before increasing his speed and nearing the fortress.
"Okay, so we have no weapons, no way of escape, we're wounded...can anybody think of anything else that's gonna go wrong?" Jack asked.
Sam thought for a moment. "Oh! Apophis is going to come in at any moment and torture us to death."
Jack gave her a hard look. "It was a retororical question, Carter, don't you know anything?"
"Actually sir, you mean rhetorical. One that you're not supposed to answer."
"Carter?"
"Yes, sir?"
"Shut up."
The T-1000 made his way closer to the fortress. He came under fire from neighbouring jaffa, and raised his machine gun.
"Fuck you, assholes."
He fired at the jaffa, which fell over like dominoes and toppled to the floor. One of them managed to stay alive, however, and managed to blow the T-1000's left ear off.
With a grunt of annoyance, he fired a lethal blow at the offending jaffa.
"Don't do that again!" he warned, picking up his ear and walking to the entrance of the fortress.
"Carter?"
"Yes, sir? I'm sorry, I thought you told me to shut up, what can you possibly want to talk to me about?"
"Did you...by any chance...set your video for The Simpsons? It's just, well....I forgot..."
Sam didn't even bother to answer the question, Daniel did that for her.
"Jack, Apophis is about to come in here and torture us to death slowly and painfully, we have no weapons and no way of escape, AND YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT VIDEOTAPING THE SIMPSONS?"
"Cool it, Danny Boy. It's a good episode!"
"O'Neill, it seems inappropriate that in a situation of such desperation you are concerned with the recording of a televised broadcast."
"Teal'c?"
"Yes, O'Neill?"
"Shut up."
"We cannot permit you to enter, sir," the jaffa told him, looking with distaste at the ear in the T-1000's hand.
"You will let me in," the T-1000 said calmly, attaching the ear back onto his head.
"If the God Apophis does not grant you entrance you will be killed!"
The T-1000 rolled his eyes, and blasted the crap out of the jaffa on guard duty. Then, he made his way inside the building.
"I'll be back," he warned.
"The female will come with us," the jaffa warned.
"Oh yeah?" Jack asked, "Why don't you come in here and get her yourself, buddy?"
The jaffa nodded, and his friend went in and dragged Sam out of the cell.
"It had better have been a damned good episode, sir," Sam said, as she was dragged away down the corridor.
Terminator walked slowly down the Goa'uld corridors, noting that they needed redecoration. Unfortunately, decorating wasn't one of his sub-routines so he could do nothing about it.
He heard the clanking of metal footsteps behind him and turned around to be hit in the chest with a staff weapon.
He frowned at the hole it made in his torso, and looked up at the jaffa.
"This was new," he glowered, and emptied his machine-gun clip into them.
"Samantha Carter. So nice to see you," Apophis smiled evilly, putting on his ribbon device and lowering it to her forehead. "You will tell me everything I need to know."
"Fuck you!" she spat, wriggling away from him on the long table.
"You cannot escape," he smiled, and activated the ring device.
Just then, he heard the blasts of machine gun fire down the corridors and glared, lowering the device.
Suddenly, the door burst inwards and a tall, well-built man was standing there.
"Who are you?" Apophis said, raising his ribbon device to Terminator's forehead and activating it.
Obviously, it had no effect. The T-1000 stood there for a few moments, but then he got bored, taking Apophis' hand in his and twisting roughly.
"Fuck you, old man."
Sam watched in bemusement as the man came over to her.
"Samantha Carter?" he asked.
"Um...yeah..." she said, watching Apophis sprawled and howling on the floor.
Terminator did not introduce himself, he just picked Sam up and threw her over his shoulder. Then, he walked out of the room.
"So..."
"Apophis will currently be torturing Major Carter to death, O'Neill."
"Thanks, Teal'c - I can always count on you to cheer me up in a bad situation."
"It is not a problem, O'Neill."
"Teal'c, I was being sarcastic."
"Indeed."
"Hey! Put me down! Sam yelled, pummelling Terminator with her fists.
"Stop struggling," he ordered.
"Who are you?" she shouted, "What do you want with me?"
"I am the Terminator T-1000, serial number 83902 835 222. My mission is to ensure the survival of Samantha Carter and Jack O'Neill."
"Your mission? What? I mean, why? Why are me and Jack so important - why do we need to be saved?"
"You are the saviours of the human race."
"Of course we are."
Jack almost shrieked as the door was blown inwards and a tall man stood in the entrance, with Sam thrown over his shoulder.
"Jack O'Neill?" he asked.
"Yeah," Jack replied, "Who's asking'?"
The Terminator did not reply, he just pulled Jack over onto his other shoulder and walked out of the room, leaving Teal'c and Daniel to run behind him.
"Hey! Put me down!" Jack squealed, pummelling Terminator with his fists.
"Stop struggling!" he ordered.
"Who are you?" he shouted, "What do you want with me?"
Before Terminator could answer, Sam replied.
"He's the Terminator T-1000, serial number 83902 835 222. His mission is to ensure the survival of Samantha Carter and Jack O'Neill."
"But...that's us."
"I know that."
"Why?"
"Apparently we're the saviours of the human race. "
"Oh. General Hammond finally recognised our genius, then?"
Terminator strode out of the fortress, dropping Jack into a puddle.
"Hey! How come you didn't drop Sam in a puddle?" Jack whined, rubbing his butt.
"It is impolite to drop females into dirty liquid," the Terminator replied, using his free arm to blast some more jaffa to hell with his machine gun.
"Did ya consider that it's also impolite to haul them up over your shoulder and carry them around?" Jack asked.
"We shall take this vehicle," Terminator announced, ignoring Jack and striding over to a Tel'tak.
"You need to be able to fly that properly," Jack told him.
Terminator just gave him a long, hard look.
"Okay!" Jack held up his hands in remission, "You can fly it!"
Inside the Tel'tak, Terminator was flying them away from Apophis's fortress.
"So...how come me and Sam are the saviours of the human race?" Jack asked.
Daniel rolled his eyes.
"You are the only two humans to survive Judgement Day."
"Judgement Day? Isn't that a film?" Jack wondered aloud.
"Hold on!" said Daniel worriedly, "You mean, everyone else is gonna die?"
"Yes. Everyone except for Samantha Carter and Jack O'Neill."
"Oh. Okay. Urm...what is this Judgement Day, anyway?"
"The battle between humans and machines," Terminator said, veering to the left to avoid being smashed to pieces by an asteroid.
"Oooookay." Daniel was now seriously freaked out.
"Your children will re-form the human race," Terminator added.
Sam paled, and Daniel screamed.
"Nnnooooo! The human race is DOOMED!"
"Shut up, Danny, at least I survive!" Jack bragged.
"Yeah, but how do you think the human race will manage with a whole population of Simpsons-loving, Russians-hating humans? It won't work, Jack!"
He shrugged. "Some of them will be like Carter, too. You know, maybe half and half?"
Sam choked. "I am not giving birth to an entire race of people, Jack O'Neill, I don't care if they're all dead!"
"Don't be like that, Sam!" Jack smiled, "It could be fun."
"Fun? FUN? Oh, it's easy for you to say!"
Terminator agreed with her. "You do have an extremely minimal part in the proceedings."
"Okay," said Daniel, "Can we stop talking about this, RIGHT NOW? I think I'm gonna barf..."
"Me too!" Sam agreed.
"It is your destiny," Terminator said, bringing the Tel'tak down in front of the Stargate.
As they descended from the Tel'tak, they looked back up at the T-1000.
"Thanks," Sam said.
Terminator smiled, and slipped his shades back on.
"I'll be back."
TO BE CONTINUED...
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