A Piece of Our Minds
A Piece of Our Minds
by Ruth
Summary: Response to challenge #72. SG-1 and SG-3 go head-to-head on the Jerry Springer Show!
Category: Challenge, Humor
Season: Season 4
Pairing: Jack/Sam
Rating: PG
Warnings: language
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author(s).
Archived on: 04/03/03
Title: A Piece of Our Minds
Rating: PG-13 (Strong language is represented by BEEP as it would be on the real show. I'm sure you can fill in the gaps) :) Spoilers: The Broca Divide, Into the Fire Disclaimer: None of the characters belong to me, they belong to the lovely people at MGM, Showtime and Brad Wright. Obviously, Jerry Springer is a hugely successful chat show host and I mean him no disrespect, and no copyright infringement was intended - please don't sue me!! Summary: Response to Heliopolis challenge #72 SG-1 and SG-3 go head to head on The Jerry Springer Show! ~ A Piece of our Minds ~
By Ruth
"Hello and welcome to the Jerry Springer Show! Today, ladies and gentlemen, we are priveliged to have eight members of the United States Air Force with us. Today, we are getting an exclusive look at life inside the military, from the different points of view of two teams, SG-1 and SG-3. First off, please welcome SG-1!" -CLAPPING AND CHEERING FROM AUDIENCESam,
Jack, Daniel and Teal'c walked onto the stage and sat down in the four comfy chairs provided. Teal'c looked around him in confusion, Sam wondered what the hell she was doing there, Daniel squinted at the bright lights in his eyes and Jack wondered if the cameras were making him look fat. "Well, good morning, SG-1. Now, let's see. You're Jack O'Neill, Daniel Jackson, Samantha Carter and.....Teal'c?" "Indeed, Mr Springer," said Teal'c.
Jerry laughed. "Oh please, call me Jerry, Teal'c!" "Very well. Yes, Jerry."
"Good! Ok, well, we'll start with you, Jack. You've been in the military now for how long?" "Since I was 18, Jerry."
"So, how long is that?" asked Jerry, beaming. "Can't be that long! HE'S GORGEOUS!" yelled a young woman in the audience. Jack smirked and blew her a kiss. The woman promptly fainted into the row in front of her. Sam smirked and looked at Teal'c, who was still greatly confused and did not quite understand why O'Neill had been so enthusiastic to come and see this 'Jerry.' "Not long, huh?" asked Jerry. "Ok, moving on. Dr Jackson - may I call you Daniel?" "I..."
"Great, thanks! I hear that you're not actually part of the militray - how did you get involved?" "Well, I met Colonel O'Neill four years ago and we just kinda, well, jelled, I suppose." "Jelled? What do you mean by that, Dr Jackson?" "Well, we work well together."
"Well that's always a good thing!" said Jerry, continuing to beam. Jelled? What the hell did I say that for? Thought Daniel. Jelled? What the hell did he say that for? Thought Jack. "Ok, moving on again. Major Carter - may I call you Samantha? Or is it Sam?" "Sam," she replied, wondering what on Earth the man was going to ask her. "Did you find it difficult to fit in with the men when you first joined the military?" "Well, it was kind of difficult, but after a while I stopped trying to be one of the guys and was just content to be one of the girls." -LOUD CHEERING FROM FEMALE MEMBERS OF THE AUDIENCE-"Finally, Teal'c. How did you come to join the military?" "I also met Colonel O'Neill, Major Carter and Daniel Jackson for the first time. Dr Jackson is quite correct. Our personalities 'jelled' as he put it. We have been working together ever since." "Ok, now I'm going to put some questions to you as a team. What do you think is the hardest thing you've ever had to do?" Sam, Jack, Teal'c and Daniel thought for a moment. What could they say? They'd been through all sorts of things - none of which they could repeat on national television. Jack had a thought and suddenly smirked. "Jack? You thought of something?"
"Well, I would say it was a real test of my strength trying to work with the SG-3 marines." -LAUGHTER FROM AUDIENCE-
"And why is that, Jack?"
"Well, the're a group of stupid BEEP-heads who think that just because they're marines that they're better than us." "Ok, can I remind you to try and keep a hold of your language, Jack?" "Sorry, Jerry."
"Ok. Major Carter, what are your thoughts on the marines?" "Well, I find it incredibly difficult to work with any of them. I agree with Colonel O'Neill." "Well, it's funny you should say that, guys, because I have a surprise for you today. Audience, please welcome SG-3!" -EVIL, LOUD MUSIC PLAYS AS SG-3 WALK ON STAGE TO BOOS AND HISSES -"Shut the BEEP- up, you stupid bunch of BEEP- ers!" "Ya see, that's exactly what I meant!" said Jack, standing to talk to Colonel Makepeace. "Colonel, Doctor, Major, Teal'c," said Makepeace. "Always a pleasure," said Daniel dryly. Sam and Teal'c failed to comment.
"Ok, so you're Colonel Makepeace, Edleson, Noble and Lucas. Is that right?" "Yep." Makepeace stretched in the small chair, showing off. "How exactly do you differ from the members of SG-1?" asked Jerry. "Well," said Lucas, looking over at the four other figures in their chairs, "We're better!" -BOOING FROM AUDIENCE-
"Shut up! Bunch of BEEP- ers!"
"You got something to say, Lucas?" asked Jack. "What if I have?"
-AUDIENCE BEGINS TO CHANT: "FIGHT! FIGHT!" -Sam put her head in her hands. Why was this happening to her? Why had she agreed to come?" "What's the matter, Major? Gonna cry now?" asked Edleson, smirking at her. "You good-for-nothing son of a -BEEP!" -LOUD CHEERS FROM AUDIENCE-
Daniel stood up, taking after Jack and Sam's lead. "Yeah! You are the most BEEP- ing awful group of people I've EVER had to work with!" "Ooh, Dr Jackson, I'm really scared! What ya gonna do? Throw a book at me?" asked Noble. Daniel stood up and pushed Noble as hard as he could. -"GO DANIEL!" SCREAMS YOUNG WOMAN FROM AUDIENCE-"You wanna pick a fight with me, archaeology-boy?" asked Noble. "BRING IT ON!" Daniel leapt at Noble, arms flailing wildly. The marine was taken a little off guard and ended up on the floor, whilst Daniel pounded him with both fists. "Hey! Hey! SECURITY!" yelled Jerry.
"You stupid BEEP- ing BEEP!" yelled Noble. "Not so BEEP- ing tough now, are you, military BEEP!" Daniel and Noble were dragged off stage by the two burly security guards. "Now, people," said Jerry, "D'ya think we could try to keep this clean?" "Makes me feel sick just looking at them! 'Specially Major Carter," said Makepeace. Sam stood up, anger filling her. "I can safely assure you that I return that, you BEEP- ing BEEP!" "Ooh, now I'm gonna get beaten up by an astro-scientist!" said Makepeace, jeering her. "IT'S THEORETICAL ASTROPHYSICIST YOU STUPID BEEP!" Sam leapt at Makepeace with her nails and fists, and the two were soon having a furious fight on the floor, rolling around the studio floor to the delight of the audience. -"GO ON SAM! BEAT HIM UP! -
Jack decided it was time for him to have a little fun. He jumped up and ran over to help Sam, dragging Makepeace off of her. "Just because you fancy her!" Makepeace yelled. -"OOOOOHHHHH" FROM AUDIENCE-
"You BEEP -ing BEEP! Just because you don't give a BEEP about any of your men doesn't mean I have to be the BEEP -ing same!" "I do give a BEEP about my men, which is why I don't try to BEEP them all the time!" "You son of a BEEP!" Jack roared, pouncing on Makepeace and knocking him to the floor where they engaged in a furious fist-fight. Sam stood up and looked at Edleson, who was laughing. "You think something's funny, you BEEP?" she yelled. "BRING IT ON, stupid BEEP!" he yelled back. Sam and Edleson also ended up rolling around on the floor, punching each other. "SECURITY!" Jerry yelled. "Guys, please! Can we...?" "Can't you see we're trying to have a BEEP -ing fight here, you BEEP?" asked Makepeace, who was then tackled from behind by Jack. Teal'c got up from his chair and walked over to Jerry. "I must apologise for the behaviour of my friends. They do not normally act in this manner." Then, he left the stage.
Jerry looked helplessly at the four figures on the floor who were now trying to bundle each other. The audience let out a whoop of glee as Daniel ran back out onto the stage and leapt onto the mixed pile of SG-1 and SG-3, beating with his fists at the nearest marine uniform he could find. "Okay," said Jerry nervously, trying to speak over the shouts and beeps, "Now time for my final thought." "You BEEP!"
"Get off of my BEEP -ing arm you BEEP!" "It is not always appropriate...."
"OW!"
"What the BEEP did you do that for? Are you a BEEP -ing woman or something?" "BEEEEEEEEEP!"
"You stupid son of a BEEP!"
"For people on opposite sides of the social barrier...." "JEEZ! Is that the best you can manage? I've seen people with their head up their BEEP that could make a better job of kicking the BEEP out of me than you!" "To be brought together, particularly in a new, clean studio like mine. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen." -AUDIENCE CLAPS AND CHEERS AS, ONE BY ONE, SG-1 AND SG-3 ARE DRAGGED OFF STAGE BY SECURITY GUARDS -The End
Author's Note: Hope you enjoyed it! Feedback to samcarterusaf@yahoo.co.uk
If you enjoyed this story, please send feedback to Ruth
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