What to do when you lose a Daniel
What to do when you lose a Daniel
by Ruth
Summary: Eight easy steps to help you find your Daniel Jackson.
(Only mild adult themes & Sam/Jack)
Category: Challenge, Humor
Season: any Season
Pairing: Jack/Sam
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: adult themes, minor language
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author(s).
Archived on: 05/19/03
Title: What to do when you lose a Daniel
Rating: PG -13 (Minor Language, Implied adult situations)
Summary: Some easy steps on how to find your Daniel Jackson.
Disclaimer: None of the characters are mine, they are the property of MGM Worldwide, Gekko Film Corp, ShowTime and Brad Wright. Please don't sue me, I'm skint anyhow.
Spoilers: None!
Challenge #1,982
Write a story using the title:
'Instructions on what to do when you lose a Daniel.'
~What to do when you lose a Daniel~
By Ruth
"Ah, for crying out loud! Where the hell is Daniel?"
"I'm not sure, sir - he was here a second ago!"
"Agh! Right, its time for operation 'What to do when you lose a Daniel."
"Step 1."
"Scream 'DANIEL!' as loud as you possibly can, preferably in a group of people, for as long as you can."
"DDDDDDDDDAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLL?"
"Nope, sir. Nothing."
"Right, looks like it's time for step 2, Major."
"Scream 'COFFEE!' as loud as you possibly can, preferably in a group of people, for as long as you can."
"CCCCCCCCCCOOOOOOOOOOOOOOFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
"Nope."
"Jeez, that one normally works!"
"Time for step 3, sir."
"Right. Step 3. Scream 'ROCKS!' as loud as you possibly can, preferabl..."
"Sir, it's ARTEFACTS."
"I know, Major. ROCKS! is just easier to say."
"Ah."
"AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRTTTTTTTTTEEEEEEEFFFFFFFFAAAAAACCCCCCCCTTTTTTSSSSSSS!"
"Nope."
"Alright, looks like its time for step 4."
"HEY DANIEL! CARTER'S STEALING YOUR COFFEE!"
"Nothing?"
"Not a sound, O'Neill."
"Dammit! We've never had to go past step five before now. Step 4 normally gets him!"
"Yeah, well last time it 'normally got him' I ended up being chased around the planet by him, all the while I was trying to explain to him that I didn't really have his coffee, and that it was just a ploy to get him back. You were a fat lot of help, just sat there laughing your butt off."
"Ha...sorry?"
-Slap-
"Ow!"
"O'Neill, we were about to commence with step five."
"Ah, yes, Teal'c. This requires a great deal of skill and cunning."
Teal'c nodded.
Jack fired his AK-47 into the air and kept doing so for a few seconds. Nothing happened.
"Dammit, Daniel! Those had better be some damned good rocks you've found!"
"Uh...sir?"
"I have a feeling we've missed out the most important part."
"Major?"
"Try contacting him on the radio, Colonel."
"Ah. Of course, Major, I was just testing you."
-Snigger-
"Did you just snigger at me, Major?"
"No, sir!"
-Snigger poorly disguised as coughing/sneezing fit-
"Oh, ha ha."
"Yep, it was pretty funny."
"Daniel, come in? This is a very pissed off Jack, Daniel, COME IN!"
"Sir, what do we do now?"
"Major?"
"Well, sir, we've never had to go beyond step 5 before, sir."
"Ah. I think it's time for some more drastic measures for step 6."
"Such as?"
-Whispers to Teal'c-
-Teal'c sniggers-
"Uh...Jack?"
-More sniggering-
"Colonel, why don't I like the sound of that?"
"Just stand still, Major."
"No!"
"Major!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
-Slap-
"Tell me that worked!"
"It did not, Major Carter."
-Slap-
"Ow! Major Carter, that was most painful."
"Ok, Carter, it's time for step 7 now. Any ideas?"
"Definitely not a repeat of step 6, sir."
"Oh, c'mon, Carter. Ya have to admit that was pretty funny!"
-Slap-
"Ok, maybe not."
"We should go and look for him, sir."
"That's a good plan, Major. Never know if he's got hooked up with some alien gal."
-1 hour later-
"Ok, so no alien gal. Now what?"
Teal'c grinned.
"I believe I have an idea, O'Neill."
"Shoot, Teal'c."
-Whispers to Major Carter and Colonel O'Neill-
(In unison) "NO!"
"I believe it would be a sufficient enough shock to bring him away from his artefacts, O'Neill."
"Ah well, Couldn't hurt, Major."
-Slap-
"Please? Then we can go home and I'll buy us all a pizza..."
-Glare-
"Or dinner, or something. Deal?"
"Deal."
"Then let step 8 commence!" said Teal'c.
Daniel looked in wonder at the artefacts in front of him. It was then, whilst he was deep in thought (and trying to ignore his teammates' attempts to find him) that he heard Teal'c speaking.
"O'Neill! Major Carter!"
"Uh...sorry, Teal'c."
"Yeah."
"In that case, I will leave the two of you in peace."
"Hey. Now we're all alone."
-Amorous sounding giggle-
Daniel shuddered. He must have been imagining that.
"Take it off, Major."
"No, sir, it breaks the regs!"
"I don't give a damn, now take it off!"
"But sir, we're supposed to be finding Daniel."
Daniel smiled. Sam was concerned for him.
"Screw him," said Jack.
Daniel gasped. He was going to sort them out right then and there, he was going to-
It only occurred to Daniel once he had stood up that if Jack and Sam were doing what had been implied that it would be bad of him to interrupt them, but by then it was too late.
Sam sat on the ground, giggling. Teal'c appeared to be equally amused, but Jack just looked annoyed.
"Where ya been, Danny Boy?" he asked.
"Well, you see, I found these really interesting r...artefacts dating back to the Mayan era............"
-Yawn-
THE END
Please send feedback! Ruthie :)
Mailto: samcarterusaf@yahoo.co.uk
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