Hiccups
Hiccups
by Dr Sarah Fraiser-Jackson
Summary: Sam has the hiccups and to Jack's annoyance they just will not go away.
Category: Humor
Season: any Season
Pairing: Jack/Sam
Rating: 13+
Warnings: adult themes
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author(s).
Archived on: 2005-01-06
"hic"
Jack's eyes shot open.
"hic"
Jack sat up in his tent and listened carefully.
"hic"
He grabbed his handgun just in case and unzipped the flap as quietly as possible; he stepped over Daniel careful not to wake the sleeping archaeologist and crawled out into the cold night (or should that be morning?) air.
Jack paused and listened again; he could see Teal'c with a Zat gradually making his way to Major Carter's tent.
"hic"
Jack moved forward and unzipped the Major's tent cautiously.
He saw Sam lying on her side curled up in her sleeping bag; her hair was tousled and her cheeks were pink. Jack thought that she looked so cute when she was asleep.
Sam took a deep breath then...
"hic"
"Oyo!" Jack sighed and motioned for Teal'c to go back on watch.
"Sir? hic" Sam mumbled.
"Go back to sleep Carter."
"Okay." She said rolling onto her other side.
"hic"
Jack rolled his eyes and climbed back into his and Daniel's tent.
Later that morning, Jack pulled himself out of the tent towards the smell of freshly made coffee.
"Teal'c, old buddy, old pal. You're a life saver." He said pulling the coffee towards himself.
"Indeed, you too are a life saver. We have saved many lives together."
"Not what I meant T, not what I meant."
"Did you not get any sleep O'Neill?" Teal'c asked looking at the rings around his friends' eyes.
"D'ya think?"
"I found the regular interval of the noise Major Carter was making quite soporific, like a metronome."
"Are you grinning?" Jack asked.
"Indeed."
"Morning guys." Daniel said walking back from the 'toilet'.
"Don't tell me you didn't hear Carter last night?"
"Hear what?" Sam asked getting out of her tent.
"Did you know that hiccups have to be the most annoying sound to sleep to?" Jack glared at his 2IC.
Sam went red.
"Do not worry Major Carter, myself and Daniel Jackson had a good night's sleep."
"So you were in my tent last night? I thought I dreamt it." After she said that she went even more red and stared at the ground.
"Yes Carter, I was in your tent last night to see what the noise was. Having diaphragm problems are we?"
"What are these hiccups O'Neill?" Teal'c asked.
"A spasm of your diaphragm." Daniel explained.
The Jaffa bowed his head in appreciation.
"So you finally got rid of them then Carter?" Jack asked.
"Yes Sir."
"Good, pack it up. Let's head home." He said finishing the last of the coffee.
-----------------------
"I take it your mission went well Colonel?" Hammond asked as his premiere team stepped through the fluctuating wormhole, all appeared unharmed.
""Yes Sir, the mission was just peachy, it was a blast Sir, we had a whale of a time...in fact we were planning on heading back there for some R&R..." His voice trailed off as he left the room talking to himself.
"Major?" General Hammond questioned.
"The Colonel didn't sleep too well Sir." She shrugged as she followed the rest of the team out of the gate room.
"Debriefing in one hour."
"Yes Sir."
-------------------
"Hey Carter!" Jack said walking into the lab.
"Sir, feeling more awake now?" She ginned as she cut a piece of wire and attached it to a very complicated looking device.
"As a matter of fact, yes. I have just slept like a baby for the last..." He consults his watch. "...Three hours."
"That's nice Sir."
"What you doing?" He picked up her pliers and started fiddling with them.
Sam snatched them back off him before he hurt himself.
"I'm trying to confribulate the proportions of...you really don't care do you?" She said looking at the blank expression on Jack's face.
"All you have to say is science stuff and I'll be happy, not so much happy that you're doing work but happy as in I know what you're doing." He picked up a piece of wire and started wrapping and unwrapping around his fingers.
"I'll bear that in mind." She smiled.
"Want to go for a break?"
"Sure hic!" Sam put her head in her hands. "Oh no."
"No! No, you cannot start that again!" He said pointing at her accusingly.
"Sir hic."
Jack grabbed the phone from the wall and dialled Daniel's number.
"Daniel get you're butt down to Carter's lab, grab Teal'c on your way...we are gong to cure her hiccups!" He put the receiver back on the hook and looked at Sam.
"hic"
----------------
"O'Neill, I have found a web site which claims it has a cure for hiccups." The big Jaffa said from the computer.
"Just a minute..."
"Eight, nine, ten now breath out." Daniel instructed. "Did it work?"
"hic" Was all he got as a response from Sam.
"Okay T, what you got?"
"One cure wishes you to think of all the bald men you can."
"How will that work?" Daniel asked.
"It is a purely mental cure."
"Okay, Teal'c, the General, Dad hic!" Sam sighed with frustration.
"Not working, next." Jack said.
"Tell yourself you are not going to hiccup."
"She's already been muttering that to herself."
"Laugh, hyperventilate, induce a cough or sneeze..."
Sam tried to cough but it turned into a hiccup.
"There are many breathing techniques to try." Teal'c said scrolling down the page.
The other three crowded around the monitor and started reading.
"Nah, they all look as if it's a long shot. Besides, if holding your breath for ten seconds doesn't work, its doubtful the others will either." Jack said.
"Say 'pineapple'." Daniel read from further down the page.
"Stand on your head." Jack read. "Carter, can you stand on your head?"
"If someone hic holds my hic legs."
"Okay, I'll hold them."
Sam put her hands on the floor and kicked her legs up over her head; Jack caught them and held her there.
"How long are we supposed to do this for?"
"Till the hiccups go away." Daniel replied.
"hic"
"You okay down there Carter?"
"hic blood is rushing to my head hic."
Jack dropped her legs and helped her to sit on a chair.
"This isn't going well."
"Next one is talk non-stop for ten seconds." Daniel said.
"Carter, ten seconds of techno babble-go!"
Ten seconds later...
"hic"
"Scream for as long as you can."
"Not something to do in a military base."
"hic"
"Stimulate your clit..."
"No Teal'c, just no." Jack interrupted.
"Lets try the water ones." Daniel said clicking the link. "Drink three big gulps of cold water. Pinch your nose shut while you drink water. Gargle (this can also be done with mouthwash). Take a big sip of water, bend over and swallow it. Drink a glass of water while someone presses your ears closed. Drink water from the far side of a glass (so you're drinking upside-down). Drink water slowly from a glass covered with a napkin, hanky or other fine cloth. Hold your hands over your head, and have someone feed you a (10 oz.) glass of water."
They tried all these; the result was that the hiccupping major now needed the toilet.
"Fine, but be quick, the list isn't finished yet." Jack said as he pushed her out of the room.
"There are a load of things to eat to stop the hiccups, they don't sound very nice though. Sip a teaspoon of vinegar, eat a spoonful of mustard." Daniel shook his head. "Sam won't like that."
"There is a link for cures you can do with an assistant." Teal'c said clicking on it.
"Rub your hands together until warm, then place one hand flat on the subject's sternum and ask them to focus on the warmth and let it flow down the centre of their chest toward their stomach."
"The sternum, isn't that the thing here?" Jack asked pointing to the middle of his chest.
"Uh, yeah. Maybe not that one then."
"You must kiss the subject O'Neill."
"Uh, why must I kiss the subject?" Jack asked.
"To startle her, it says here." Daniel grinned.
"Fine, when she comes back I'll kiss her. But let me warn you if either of us get court-martialled, you two will get the blame."
"Who's getting the hic blame for hic what?" Sam asked walking back into he room.
"Nothing." Jack smiled walking over to her.
He took her face in his hands and pulled her lips onto his, soon Sam had reacted by wrapping her arms around his neck to kiss him harder.
----------------------
"What is it Sergeant?" General Hammond asked as he walked into the security room.
"Well, it's SG1 sir. They've been acting strange and now, well look." He pointed to a screen, which had Colonel O'Neill and Major Carter clearly kissing, with Daniel and Teal'c in the background trying to avert their gazes.
"I see, delete that tape O'Connor." George ordered before walking out of the office and down to the labs.
"SG1!" He roared.
Jack and Sam pushed away from each other and snapped to attention.
"hic"
"What in the world do you think you are doing?"
"Uh Sir, I can explain. You see Carter has the hiccups and we were trying to cure her and you see this web site says that kissing works..."
"hic"
"But obviously it didn't so um Sir we should get back to curing Carter." He rushed.
"I understand son, but don't ever do that again in a room where the cameras are on 24/7." Hammond turned to go.
"hic"
"Major Carter, I will give you $10 if you hiccup now." He said turning back.
Nothing happened.
"Damn it." Sam muttered.
Jack stared at the General with his mouth open.
"That was amazing General!" Daniel said.
"Works every time." He smiled and walked out of the room.
"Why didn't we think of that?"
"It was next on the list O'Neill." Teal'c replied.
"Right."
"Uh Jack, you did notice that the General didn't say anything about not kissing Sam?" Daniel asked.
"Really?"
"No Sir." Sam smiled.
"Oh, well in that case mine or yours?"
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