Hiding In His Mind
Hiding In His Mind
by MIchelle Birkby
Title, Hiding In His Mind
Author, Michelle Birkby
Email, mbirky@h...
Rating, PG
Category, Missing Scene? Sam and jack
Archive, Sam and jack, heliopolis please Spoilers, Foothold
Disclaimer, "All publicly recognisable characters and places are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret productions. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended. Previously unrecognised characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author."
Summary, The thoughts of the alien that takes over Jack's body Status. Complete
Author's notes; I was watching Foothold, and I suddenly thought what a unique position that alien who imitated Jack was ...he had access to all his thoughts, and all his feelings. So, here's my attempt to tell his story. The capital's are Jack's thoughts intruding on the aliens...I think. It's kind of odd, this story, but I'm with Stephen King...I don't make up the stories, I just write them down as they appear in my head, so blame my muse.
It is strange, this new body. They are considerably smaller than we are, and less armoured. I feel small and vulnerable, as I did as a child. It takes a moment or two to gain my balance, to slip into this shell, but not as long as it used to.
I was against this mode of attack when we first used it. To change the usage of the grevllkai from camouflage to disguise, to allow us to infiltrate other worlds, defeat their armies from the inside, seemed deceitful and dishonourable. It betrayed our glorious dead, I idiotically declaimed once. But too many of us had joined 'our glorious dead', and I gave in.
And now I enjoy it more than I can say. To step into another life, another soul. To feel passions move me, that I never felt myself, to experience hurt and pain and love, and yet know I can step out of it, untouched, is a fascinating encounter.
The man in the mirror today is tall, and what I suddenly learn is called hair, is grey. I run my fingers through it, learning as I do so that he hated seeing it turn grey three years ago, it made me - him - feel old. Then someone CARTER - CAPTAIN - MAJOR -Sam told someone else JANET - DOC -FRIEND - that she thought it looked good on him - me. SURPRISE.
I can feel his thoughts flow as if they were my own, and his mind is a jumble, a mess, a jungle, hidden, a maze, on the surface all calm, and laughter, and jokes D'OH and mild exasperation, and fond tolerance, and an urge to protect so intense it hurts, and underneath all this, so hidden I'm not even sure he's aware of it, a darkness, a secret, a sorrow, so much loss, a knowledge, and
SAM - CARTER - NO - LOVE - FORBIDDEN
Ah. I see. How ...interesting. And complicated. This man has so many layers protecting that particular secret it is difficult to pick my way through, to understand what behaviour is expected of me, and what behaviour is what he wishes, but cannot do. I turn around, and see my friend, in the guise of another human, pushing GLASSES up his nose with a confused expression on his face -DANIEL - FRIEND- ANNOYED - ALLERGIES - SHARE -TRUST - CONSCIENCE -EXPECTATIONS - GROWTH - ROCKS - KNOWLEDGE - COMPANION - SON - FRIEND.
She got out. She escaped. Carter. Deep inside, somewhere along the link, I feel a stirring of pride. Well done Carter, I find myself whispering, even as I receive the orders to find her, bring her back. Of course, we do find her. We receive a call, stating exactly where she is. I cannot believe the humans can be so stupid. On the one hand, the man I am right now is shrewd and clever, suspicious, wary. And yet he belongs to the same race as a man who hands over our one escapee back to us. I am not sure whether I feel sorry for them, or superior.
Yet we are told not to give in to these feelings, to ignore any sense of kinship, of concern for these creatures we replace. We have to ignore them, their thoughts, to be victorious.
"There." Daniel says, pointing in the warm sunshine to a table where a woman and a man sits. She spots us, and is shouting insults at her betrayer. I recognise him MAYBOURNE - SKUNK -BASTARD - DESPISE - DIRT, but then I see her, and what I feel for her goes beyond recognition - a sharply visceral shock of need and want and longing and craving LOVE and it shakes me to the bone. His feeling, unfiltered through his usual cushioning defence of regulations and denial, is pure and strong and overwhelming. It almost takes me over. Almost defeats me. I almost forget who I am, in the sudden swamping of affectation for her. I have to hold on to the fact that I have to kill her.
Kill her.
Don't love her.
Kill her.
I walk towards her, aware that every sinew in my make-believe body is shaking, with nerves and desire, and a need to save her, PROTECT HER, at any cost, even my life. Sharply, I pull in his unbridled emotions, and restrain myself to a smile, pulling out a chair for her. Polite, as he always is.
Finally, we get her to agree to accompany us, and along with pleasure at accomplishing my mission, there's some other emotion. Disappointment, that she didn't see through us, perhaps? Maybe I over-estimated her intelligence. But in the back of my mind, there's something else, something sharper FEAR -SAM - NOT SAFE, and its getting more difficult to push that away. This man's emotions.....on the surface he's cool, calm, unstirred. Underneath, he's a maelstrom of feelings, all tangled and awkward and multi-layered, and I can feel myself sinking in his mind. There's so much hiding in there, so much, and I cannot cope with it. When Maybourne spoke sharply to her, there was a flash of white-hot anger coursing though me, BASTARD HOW DARE HE and I don't know why.
She's asleep now, resting, and as I look at her, I can feel the warmth of tenderness. I don't push it away, as I should. I haven't felt such a gentle emotion since my mate died, so long ago, and it soothes. Looking at her, feeling another man's love warm me, is so resting, after so many years of hate and battle.
But peace cannot last, and Daniel is behind me.
"We should do it now." Daniel insisted. I stirred, reluctantly. I was beginning to find a sanctuary in this man's mind, as war-scarred as my own, but filled with love and joy and happiness, because of her.
"Do what?" I asked him.
"Kill her. We can't possess her, and she knows too much."
"We can't while Maybourne's here."
"Maybourne can be taken over by one of us. Jack, we have to kill her, now."
I agreed. I knew. I had to kill her. But all through my head, over and over again, all I could hear, all I could feel, over and over again was SAM -ALIVE - CARTER - SAFE - NEVER KILL -NEVER HURT - ALIVE - SAFE - PROTECT so much I could barely think straight.
"We take her back to base." I ordered.
"Look," Daniel said patiently, "I know your grevllaikaan has strong feelings for her, and I realise they must be influencing you. My grevllaikaan cares for her too. SAM - SISTER I keep hearing. But its only them. We must ignore then, use them, but never allow ourselves to be controlled by them. Haket" he said, using my real, forbidden name "you are the strongest of us all. At the beginning, when we first used the grevllkai to take over other worlds, we were surprised by our grevllaikaan's feelings, and we did not know what we really felt or thought, and we were confused, but not you. You led us out of our weakness. I've seen you use husbands to kill wives, parents to kill children. Whatever poison this human filth is pouring into mind, you can overcome it. You can kill her. You must."
"We take her back home." I insisted.
"Home?"
"To the base. I will kill her there. I will have her taken apart bit by bit."
I wouldn't give in to that voice shouting in my head. I don't care how strong that feeling he has for her is. I don't care how much he -I - so desperately wants her alive. She stirs, and wakes up, and I walk over to her. I will kill her.
She killed me!
She SAM - LOVE - MY - LOVE killed me! SAM - LOVE - HOPE -LIFE joy. Tenderness. Happiness
How could she?
I loved her.
I LOVE HER.
Somewhere Jack O'Neill woke up, that thought ringing through his head.
If you enjoyed this story, please send feedback to MIchelle Birkby
Heliopolis Main Archive
A Stargate: SG-1 Fanfiction Site
Hiding In His Mind
by Michelle BirkbySite Navigation
Support Heliopolis