All in the Head
All in the Head
by Xtra
Summary: What S and J think in their heads. I did a two stories that were meant to be a series, but weren't clearly marked, so this is them all with the ending (So far) First fics, so please be kind.
Category: Romance
Episode Related: 718 HEROES Part 2
Season: any Season
Pairing: Jack/Sam
Rating: PG
Warnings: minor language
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author(s).
Archived on: 03/07/04
He died. Just in front of me. Just an hour ago. And now I have the worst headache in the world. May have been from when I hit my head on the rock when I nearly fell as well. I think it bleed, but I'm not sure, and it doesn't really mater because he's dead.
"Carter. Wake up" Crap, not again. I thought I had finished with the hallucinations stuck in that damned nebula. "Carter".
"Your dead, sir. Please leave me alone." I can hear the almost confused silence and could picture his brow crumpling up in that so very sweet way it does. " Are you doing the cute brow thing?" I wonder to my hallucination allowed. "I guess you must be, cause you're a figment of my mind, and in my head I like it when you do the confused cute brow thing. So yes. Guess your doing it." If I hadn't just hit my head very hard, and watched the colonel fall off the edge of a ravine into the dark depths of a cave I would have been very disappointed that I was rambling that much out loud. To a hallucination, no less. But it had just happened, so I didn't care.
"You like what?" my hallucination asks, and I manage to crack one eye open enough to see my hallucination. He is now doing the also very cute surprised, eyebrows raised thing, with a little cute brow wrinkle as well. I smile a little.
"That's cute too." Had I not just recently bashed my head and watched my colonel fall off a cliff I would also have been very embarrassed to have use the word "Cute" quite as much as I had in the last few minutes, in my head and to my hallucination. But it had happened, and I couldn't have given a flying crap about my lack of appropriate vocabulary.
"I'm sorry." I say quickly, suddenly needed to telling him, even if it was just in my head. "I tried to catch you" And I did. As the edge fell away into the depths of the ravine I had thrown myself forward, shouting his name, trying to grab hold of his pack, his shoulder, anything to stop him falling. But I hadn't. Instead I had nearly gone over myself, and had hit my head on a rock that had been left sticking out on the hard floor. And later, when I pulled myself to the ravine edge and called his name until I was hoarse, I would have pulled him up, with my pack, my clothes, hell, Id have grown my hair in second if I could have and re-named myself Rapunsel if it could have brought him back. But he didn't respond. And I dragged myself to here. To the side where I could sit and wait, and hope rescue came before I went to sleep. And now, there is just me and my hallucination.
"Carter, talk to me." And I feel my hallucination shaking me. " Stay awake" It was Teal`c who had said that to me last time. I smile a little, remembering what had happened last time my hallucination came to see me.
"I let you into a secret. Jack" I can call him that, cause he told me to last time. "When you came and talked to me on the ship, I kissed you, in my head." I pause, a little confused that I kissed a hallucination from my head, secretly in my head. But I guess the details don't matter.
"Okay." He sounds confused again now. "What ship would that be?"
"When I was in the nebula. Last time I hallucinated you." I would have rolled my eyes as even the Jack in my head is slow, but the impact would be lessened by the fact that my eye lids are almost welded shut by what I think may be blood from my head wound. Another thing I should probably worry about, but I just can't seem to care.
"Your dead." I say suddenly, and start to cry softly. I am so tired, so cold and have realised that my hallucination is the last time I'll see him. "I'm so sorry"
I manage to open my eye just a little, and see the cute face has gone and been replaced by worry. Not a good face, usually means one of us is hurt. "It's okay, Carter. I'm okay"
I wish I could believe him. Even as I start to drift out of consciousness, hearing my hallucination talking to Teal'c through the radio I must also have dreamed, I hope he's right. Maybe, if the warm handed hallucination that's now gently stroking my face and telling me help will be here soon is right, I will have a chance to go back and this time do the smart thing. I can place everything I have on my safe bet.
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If I was a drinker, I would swear that I must have been downing JD's all night because I'm waking up with a thumping headache in a bed that's not mine. Great. Except, worst, I'm not a drinker, and that means I am either on an alien world or have got back to the SGC without any conscious memory of it.
"Sam, can you hear me, honey?" Soft southern drawl? Check. Concern face? Check. Very irritating flash light in my eye? Check. Right, the SGC hospital it is.
"Janet?" I ask, with an unnaturally husky voice. Being the genus that she is, Janet correctly takes that as. "Quick, get me water, painkillers and tell me what the hell is going on.". I am given the water, the meds are offered, and she then puts on her best, "Lets talk now face, but don't get excited or I'll get a big needle out." Face. Okay, maybe I'm reading a little much into this. Hanging around with the Colonel too much..... Then I remember.
"The Colonel." I say suddenly, sitting up in bed like I've been electrocuted. "He's..."
"Fine, Sam. He was the one that found you and brought you back here." Then suddenly it's her stern doctor face. "You had a nasty bump on your head and had lost a hell of a lot of blood You had the early stages of hypothermia." It's official; my medical records must need their own storage area by now. I can imagine the conversation. "Yes, that's right Mr. President, Major Carter's records have taken over Area 51. Hope you weren't using the space for anything special."
"I saw him fall...." I start, until I hear a sound to my side and look to see the colonel standing there, hands in pockets and rocking like a small child in detention. "Sir!" I say and smile my biggest smile at him.
"Rumour of my death and all..." he says, shrugging slightly as if we were discussing the weather.
"I saw you fall." I say, unsure why I'm pushing the point seeing as he is quite obviously in front of me, but not quite able to let it go yet.
His face scrunches up, and the word "cute" springs to my mind for no reason I can fathom. "Yes, well, luck of the Irish. Landed on a ledge. Was out for a bit, then came too and dragged my sorry arse back up only to found you snoring on the top." I smile slightly.
"Irish?" I ask knowing that he is really about as Irish as my little finger.
"O'Neill. In the blood and all." He informs me, a smile playing round his lips.
"Yes sir." I say, confident he hears the laughter there.
"Colonel, I need to give Sam a full exam now she's awake." Good old Janet. The only person on the SGC who can command the Colonel out of a room without having to drag Hammond down to order him.
"Don't mind me." He says, a purposely-leering look on his face.
Janet is so unaffected by him it scares me sometimes. " As you delight in telling the rookies who come here..." She leans closer, and drops her voice to a theatrical whisper. "I have a rally big needle sir, and if you don't let look at Sam in private, I promise next post-mission, it will have your name on it."
And the ex- special ops turns his tail, places it firmly between legs and backs out the room with all the dignity he can muster under the circumstances. I find myself giggling at him. He can be very sweet sometimes. Cute you could almost.... O'god. O please god no. And suddenly it falls into place. He was okay, he saved me. That means he was real, and alive, and able to have listened to every damned words I said in that cave. And suddenly the pain in my head worsens again as I slowly realise the reason why the word cute is hanging in my mind like a bad smell. And even worse than that, he will remember every word I said. Including when I told him I kissed him in my head. I groan out load.
"Sam, you okay?" Janet asks.
"Fine" I lie to her and try and smile in a reassuring manor. Wonder if I could trace my medical record down. If I'm lucky they will fall and crush me before I have to deal with the colonel again.
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It took Janet two days to let me out of the infirmary. Daniel came to see me a few times and even smuggled some work in. Teal'c came and was silent next to my bed once or twice, but no Colonel since that first time. I hope, vaguely, I'll admit, that he is holed up going his paperwork somewhere. Yes, and at the same time he could be looking at that "Skiing in Hell; a rough guide to when it freezes over." Leaflet as well. Damn. I have been raking my brain to try and recall exactly what I said and did. I cringed my way thorough the first few "cute" comments until my memory hit upon the kissing my hallucination revelation. I can only hope, that not being in my fevered little head at the time, and therefore not being privy to what exactly I was saying, he will pay the whole thing little or no heed. Of course, the fact I haven't seen him in two days, even him coming in on some lame excuse like always, well it's not a good thing. I have a really bad feeling that the "Room" just overfilled and the door burst open. Crap.
"Hi Daniel, have you seen the Colonel?" I stick my head round the door of his office and can see his hair sticking over the pile of old books that are stacked on his desk. I hope I manage non-plus but have a horrible feeling that I actually came over stupidly peppy. Great.
"Umm..." He pushes his glasses back up his nose and looks at me like I'm an interesting piece of archaeology for several seconds before he jumps up and smiles broadly. "Your out of the infirmary! Great." He then goes silent for a second I and start to wonder if he is having soon sort of seizure. Then he starts talking about the most recent find of SG-3. A couple of minutes in and I find a way to break in.
"Daniel, I have to go and talk to the Colonel about something, but promise I'll come back later and will help you run those tests on your.." god help me, but I nearly called them 'rocks' "Artefacts"
"Thanks Sam" he smiles again, and just for a second I think how much easier life would be if it were Daniel I had a thing for. A second after that I feel more than a little dirty at the fact the thought even crossed my mind. I had to sort this thing with the Colonel out, soon.
As it was, he and I never had that little chat. Just before I reached his office the off-world activation alarm kicked off, and off I ran like a good little Major. I meet the Colonel on the way up. I don't know if he knew I was heading his way, but I swear a saw a little relief on his face as I responded to his shop talk with a "Yes, sir.", "No sir", "Three bags full, sir" Then we had a mission, then another, then.. ----------------------------------------
I'm standing on the porch at Janet's house, leaning on the railing looking out into a dark garden. There are a lot of people inside, all talking, and quietly subdued. All reeling because Janet Fraser is dead. I should be in there, making polite conversation. Supporting Cassie. Supporting my friends. But I'm not. I'm standing alone in a cold garden, and barely feeling it. Or maybe I just don't care.
Cassie is taking it well. She's cried, she raged, but nothing that isn't healthy, or understandable. Mind you, she's done this before. Had a mother die on her. Lost people she cared about. And suddenly I'm crying again. For Janet, for my own mother, and for the man I nearly lost just a week ago.
"Carter?" He asks softly, and I swear in my head and try and swipe away the tears. I've already cried on him, sobbing while he held me, while I tried to tell him I cared so much that if I'd lost him my heart would have been ripped out. Not that I said that. I don't remember exactly what I said. I'm sure I said the world "Sir" a lot, and maybe stumbled a little. But the heart ripping was definitely the gist of it. At least for me.
"Sir." I say. Surprised that my voice held. But it did.
"It's cold out here." He states. Its just so him, I nearly start crying again.
"Yes, Sir" I say. Not a lot else to say is there? I can feel him come a little closer, and his arm brushes against me. For some reason that contact, brief as it is, makes me feel a little better.
"Lots of people in there." And there's an understanding tone to his voice. There are too many people in there. All sad and sympathetic. It's just too much.
"Yes, Sir." A pause. "Janet means.. meant a lot to a lot of people." Though it doesn't quite seem adequate to explain all the things she was to so many.
"It's hard, losing people you care about." God, he should know. He has lost the people closest to his heart, but still keeps going. Makes joke and smiles and cares despite all he's been through. Without thinking I link my fingers with his where they have been resting on the porch rail.
"I know." And for the first time I look at him that night, and he's smiling at me sadly. In the half-light cast by the house he nods slightly.
It's then, not fuelled by concussion, or drugs, or some damned Tokra Machine that I decide I need to tell him something. No declaration of love, or lust filled kiss, just a little bit of truth. Still, I turn my face away, looking back at the garden. I'm not that brave.
"One thing I was thinking. When I thought about losing Janet, how I thought I had lost you." A pause not sure if I can actually continue. He seems to get this, and gently squeezes my hand. Not sure if it's a sign to go on, or understanding that I may not be able to. Regardless, I decide I need to say this. "Janet is Janet, Daniel is Daniel, Teal'c is Teal'c. But your "sir" or "Colonel". Everytime. I can never call you by your first name. Never know how it feels for you to be anything but the Colonel, or Sir. It's strange. But it make me feel..." Lonely? Empty? "Sad." I finish my voice quiet. There, I've said it. The closest I've come to admitting that sometimes I hate the fact that he is my CO, the one man in the world I can't have. On that ship, I gave myself permission to move on, convincing myself I didn't care. I even went and got myself a nice man. But, if I'm honest, my loneliness wants me to move on, the part of me that's wants to be held at night, that wants to be able to hug and kiss a man wanted to move on. But inside, in my heart of hearts, I'd rather stay on a porch in the cold and dark just holding hands lightly with this man than settle for something less.
I can feel him rocking on the balls of his feet lightly. I take it as a sign he is uncomfortable, and I start to pull away. He tightens his hold on my hand. "You know.." he stops and coughs slightly, like he's trying to force the words through. "... There's a certain way you say "Sir", when I've made one of more brilliant jokes" and I smile at that ".. Or when you find my particularly irritating or exhausting"
"Sir..." he waves off my platitudes before I've even started.
"Lets not kid ourselves here, your good, but saintly your not" and I smile once more. "When you say it in a certain tone, with a certain "Carter smile"." He stops again, and I wonder where he's going with this. "In my head..." I feel him move, no doubt tapping his head for emphasis " ... I imagine you're actually saying, "Jack"." And I am flawed. Totally and absolutely flabbergasted. That is the last thing I expected. I simply don't know what to say. He, however, does. "Of course, that could be because I've had so many people mess with my head over the years that I'm just hearing voices."
I realise I have several choices, I either say nothing and he will go and we'll never speak of this again. Or I turn and kiss him until Hammond inevitability walks out and we are both court marshalled, or, magic option number three...
I turn to him with the biggest smile I have had, for a long, long time. "No, its not in your head." And despite the fact I didn't think it possible, my smile widens "Sir.."
He grins back and me, and the world is forgotten for a while. "Cool".
We stand there, until the Colonel finally speaks again. "We should go back in. See How Cassie's doing." My heart sinks a little, mostly because I know he's right.
"Yes, Sir". Some of the weight that drove me out here returns, but there is a small part of me that is light in a way I haven't been in years. For the first time, "Sir", "Colonel" isn't the dead weight in my heart like it use be. More "Mulder" and "Scully" then "Welcome to your relationship with your commanding officer, here be dragons.". I find I'm ready to go back in. I'll still cry more, and there will be times when I wonder why the hell I didn't go to teach in some obscure university, but in that room stand just a few of the reasons I keep fighting. Janet's death should be remembered in the way she would want, for the bravery and determination that saved so many lives. And out here, well I just rediscovered a reason to keep fighting. The sooner I can kick the "Snake-headed son-of-a-bitches" arses, such as they are, the sooner he can stop hearing it in his head and the sooner it can be for real. Preferably during a romantic meal, with candlelight and ... crap.. Getting ahead of myself here. I would feel bad that I was thinking this at the wake of one of my best friends, but Janet had more than once told me on one of our few girls night when we fitted them in, that in her heart of hearts she thinks I should say "Screw it" and well, jump him. Not the military part of her, but the same part that kind of enjoyed the whole "libidinous" episode of the Hathor thing.
"I'd say 'penny for your thoughts', but frankly I'd feel like I was being cheap."
"Nothing really, Sir. Just thinking." In the unique O'Neill way he understands and doesn't say anything more. He moves from where his hand touches mine, and it's time to go.
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