Lot of Thoughts, a Lot of Memories, A
by Tara Pathiranaby Tara Pathirana
Title: A lot of thoughts, A lot of memories.
Author: Tara Pathirana
Email: strange_gurl_87@hotmail.com
Category: Thoughts, Angst
Pairing: Sam/Jack
Spoilers: Entity, CO--... actually just say a lot.
Season: 4
Series: maybe
Rating: PG
Content Warnings: none
Status: Completed
Summary: Jacks thoughts through entity
Disclaimer: Leave me alone!!! A girl can Dream you know... Oh, well, We all know the drill. The characters aren't mine, I'm just playing with them a little, I'm sure no-one minds I'll put them back where I found them, there won't be any damage, well...not much anyway. I'm not making any money (too bad) blah, blah, blah. NOW READ. No pressure. (Smiles sweetly.)
Author's notes: We all know this fic is not true. Humour me, just a little thinking. WHAT?! WERE YOU EXPECTING A PLOT?!! Ha! I'd like to thank Joey, my beta. And all those who inspired me to write (that includes my busy beta)
Feedback: desperately needed, if I have to beg I will. Honesty, greatly respected. Flaming accepted, although it burns I think I can take it. (Silent plea: ~ Be gentle)
"Leave Major Carter right now" I give her...it a stern look...hoping against hope that my red rimmed eyes, from the hours of crying, or the catch in my voice do not betray me. It seems to work she...*it* looks almost frightened. It pushes away the bed covers and makes a run. "Let her go!"
We follow. Where is it going.... back into that memory thing?...as soon as its in there I'll destroy it. Sam shouldn't have to go through this again.
////flash////
A memory of Sam behind bars, but yet not Sam. Jolinar.
////end flash////
Concentrate Jack.....Ok we got *it* cornered. What's it doing. What the hells coming out of her hands.
No. I bite my lip. Raise the Zat, and fire. It hits her. But its like she just absorbs it. She...no *it* looks at me. It stares into my eyes....reminding me it has control, reminding me I can't do anything. It knows....is there anyone who doesn't know. The general even knows. I care about her...a lot....I think I lo....I can't Zap it again, it might kill her but if it gets into our computers. Oh god. Sam.
I raise the zat. Sam.....It still stares at me.....the light pulsating from her fingers.....Sam
////flash////
"Where's he transferring form?"
"*She* is transferring from the pentagon"
God, She's beautiful.
"I take it you're Colonel O'Neill. Captain Samantha Carter reporting."
////flash////
"Captain?"
"Don't worry sir....I won't let you down"
"Good.....I was going to say ladies first."
"U know u really will like me once you get to know me"
"Oh I adore you already. "
I did.
////flash////
"I'm not an Anthropologist"
"You are Today"
////flash////
"I can't move. I can't walk"
"I don't know it kind of works for me."
////end flash////
I can't do it. The general was right. I have to do it. Oh God. Why doesn't it just stop. It still stares. How long have we been stood here. Just fire Jack
////flash////
"Good job"
That smile
////flash////
She's upset, she has to take cassie down the lift. She should have let
me do it
////end flash////
Fire Jack!#
////flash////
"Jack! we got to get out of here"
"Carter! Carter"
"Oh god, sir we left him behind"
"I know. I know. We're going back"
It felt so good to hold her.
////end flash////
Damn it Jack just do it
////flash////
Ice. Cold. Sam.
"Colonel?"
"Its my sidearm I swear"
I love to make her laugh
////end flash////
For crying out loud!
////flash////
"Let me get this straight.........engaged?!!"
////end flash////
Please Sam. Forgive me. I beg you. I fire, barely holding back the
tears. She falls the life torn from her body. OH GOD. What have I done. Sam. Don't look at me like that Janet.
////flash////
The first time she kissed me.
"Carter...err...sorry didn't know you were in here"
Then she grabbed me and kissed me. And although I deny it. I know I
kissed back, but it was wrong.
"wow. Wait, what the hells going on?"
"I want you!"
////flash////
In a dark room. Thinking of Sam. Just b4 I went to interrogate Jolinar.
////flash////
"Oh God, he's telling you the truth! Please, Jack, no Jack, please, Don't leave me, please, give me a chance! Don't leave me like this! Jack!! Please!"
////end flash////
I left her. She called out and I left her. Sam!!!
I failed her then. And I failed her now. Sam. Why didn't I tell her?
////flash////
"Carter"
"Jack"
"Shhshh"
"I thought you were Dead."
////flash////
"Colonel...what happened"?
"Oh god"
I pulled her into a hug. I thought I'd lost her forever. Why didn't I
Tell her.
////end flash////
She's lying on the bed, so many tubes, someone's coming. Janet.
"Still no change."
That is definitely not what I want to hear. God what have I done? I don't think I could live with out her.
"I don't know if she ever told you this, colonel, but Sam made a living
will. No extra ordinary means."
"Yeah, she told me"
I remember. It was after Jolinar.
"There's no brain activity of any kind, no sign of either Sam or the entity"
I can hear the catch in Janet's voice. I look up at Sam. Why?
"she's being kept entirely alive on life support.....I think its time to let her go sir."
But don't you see Janet I can't. I can't let her go. I can't live with out her.
"Give it a minute will ya.....yeah a minute"
I know I'm buying time.
////flash////
I walked in wanted to know whether she was coming fishing or not. She
was looking through a magnifying glass I put my face up to the glass, it made her smile. I'd do anything to see that smile again.
"What ya doing'?"
(Still smiling)"They salvaged a couple of replicator pieces from the ocean, I thought I'd take a look."
////flash////
"Colonel ..." she was being stopped by MP's, I turned, bit my lip. Her face filled with anguish and confusion....why didn't she understand I was doing this for her.
////flash////
"Sir..."
"I know! I know!"
I couldn't leave her!
////flash////
"Sir! Just go!" she was crying. So was I.
"NO!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I couldn't.
////end flash////
I look back at her. She looks so peaceful. Why didn't I tell her?!
////flash////
I tried to touch her. Just fingertips, but the forcefeild stopped me.
"Sam"
I stared into her eyes. She had a pleading look in her eyes. She cocked
her head to the side with the pleading
look. Didn't she understand! I was confused I could hear Jaffa-steps in the background. The Jaffa appeared.
////flash////
"Because I care about her ..." we made eye contact! "A lot more than I'm supposed to."
But it's so much more now.
////flash////
"Carter ..."
"Sir ... None of this has to leave this room."
I was Confused & kind of disappointed. "We're OK with that?"
Just like me go with the flow
"Yes, Sir."
But I wanted her to say no. I wasn't ok with it. Why didn't I say
something.
////flash////
"Resigning what for?"
"So I can do this"
It felt so good to kiss her like that. If only she remembered.
That's when I realised......
////end flash////
I realized I loved her. And I never told her. I should have told her.
I still love her. I love you Sam.
********************
She's alive, she was in the memory mainframe. I haven't been to see her since. I shot her, she probably hates me. Oh god Sam. I'm going to tell you. One day. And if you don't feel the same that's ok. As long as I tell you. I LOVE YOU!
***
The End. I hoped you liked it, please send me feedback. There may be a sequel, but I need feedback, to build my confidence. Thanks. Lovely wasn't it. Date: 11.10.01. Happy Remembrance Day!
~Splash. SG-11. *XO* Wraith Squadron!
If you enjoyed this story, please send feedback to Tara Pathirana
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