How Does It Feel For You?
by Spyro
TITLE: How Does It Feel For You?
AUTHOR: Spyro
EMAIL: mezzy34@hotmail.com
CATEGORY: POV, Romance, Thoughts
PAIRING: Sam/Jack
SPOILERS: Children Of The Gods
SEASON / SEQUEL: 4
RATING: PG-13
CONTENT WARNINGS: male/female relationship
SUMMARY: Sam does some thinking about her and her Colonel, until he finds her.
STATUS: Complete
ARCHIVE: Heliopolis
DISCLAIMER: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. We have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the authors. Not to be archived without permission of the authors.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: I really crave comments people, and although I know how sad that makes me sound and how deprived you must think I am for being excited about comments on a fanfic, but I really am desperate. I'm just dying to know what you think of my work, so please take the time -- even if only a few minutes -- to write me a quick e-mail with your comments. I'd really appreciate it. Really, really.
They say you always want what you can't have. Isn't that what they always say? I think that's what they say. Or so I've heard anyway. They. Who'stheyanyway? They. Makes it sound like there's some big congregation of people out there who say,
"Rightwesay this, and so tomorrow everyone else will be saying it too."
How stupid does that sound? But that must be how it is otherwise where would that "they" say this, thing come from? Someone must have made it up. Maybe they decided ... this is so irrelevant. It's got nothing to do with what I want to think about. I'm creating a diversion for my mind, so it doesn't drift away and think about the person I really want to think about. But it's so wrong for me to evenwantto think about him. And then to add to that, you have thewayI want to think about him ... God it's so wrong. And so unfair! Why do people make up stupid rules, like the stupid ones the Military have? Why?! I mean what's the point of them anyway. Doesn't that big congregation of 'they's' say that rules are meant to be broken? I know I've heard that one. Some of the things 'they' think up aren't so bad. Rules are meant to be broken. I wish the military saw it that way. And General Hammond, and all the other officers superior to me that can and will Court-Martial me if they ever find out this is the way I think about my CO. He's my CO for God's sake! I have norightto think of him this way. And yet the more I remind myself of that, the more I think about him wrongly. How can a woman not think of him that way? Just look at him and erotic things are swimming through my mind.
Now I'm not usually one for going the wrong way, disobeying orders and all that kind of thing but where he is concerned I think I'd rather be Court-Martialled even in the hope he would do the same for me. One day I'll ask him. I'll ask how it feels for him. I know how I feel, but I wonder how he feels. Does he think of me? Does he think of me in ways he knows he shouldn't? I sure as hell do that for him. And it doesn't stop at thoughts. It goes on to my dreams and even daydreams. That's how desperate I am. And I never saw myself as the desperate type. I mean sure, in junior high there's always the most popular guy that all the girls dream of going out with or going to the prom with but this is different. I'm not exactly sure how it's different, but I know it is. I'm older for a start, which makes me feel even stupider for feeling this way. But then there's the fact that we're both grown adults. We could behave civilly around the base if anything every did happen. I know we could. Of course I say that now while knowing or at least assuming he feels nothing for me, but in the unlikely event of me being wrong about that, I'm not so sure I could keep my hands off him. If I knew he felt this way about me, I'm almost certain I wouldn't be able to stay away from him. And then of course there would be the problem of General Hammond. Surely he would notice a difference between us. Alright, we flirt like crazy now and I know I'm not imagining that but I know he'd notice if it wasn't just flirting anymore. He's a smart man; he'd see the change. Blind Freddie would notice the difference between us.
Listen to me thinking as though we are together and this is actually happening. I'm speculating all of this and yet managing to make it sound as though I can see into the future and I know that is how itwillbewhenwe get together. If only I could do that. But in thinking that I'm also not so sure I would want to. What if I saw into the future and saw him with some other woman? Or I saw myself with some other man? I couldn't stand to see him with anyone else, let alone myself! I couldn't bare it if I saw myself with another man. There I go again, making it all sound like it's going to happen or it already has. If I feel this way about one man now, then there is not a snowball's chance in Hell I'll be finding myself waking up beside anyone but him within the next century. Like it or not, I'm completely involved with my own fantasies about me and him to evenseeany other men, let alone consider liking one. No, as long as the sun rises every morning, the prayers of my own desperation will peacefully disturb my sleep. And as stupid or childish as that may sound, it's only the truth.
I can't help these crazy feelings. Just when I think I've got everything under control I'm not thinking about him inappropriately anymore he does or says something that makes me remember just how much in love with him I am. And it's in everything he does. Everything he says. Everything. There's nothing he can do that is wrong to me. And I realise how sad that makes me sound, but I just can't help thinking all these typical trashy romance novel things. Not that I read trashy romance novels, but everything I think lately seems to make me think how pathetic I sound. I have to have gotten these stupid little clichs from somewhere, but for the life of me I can't tell anyone where. The more I see him the more I think of him as something he isn't. Not for me anyway. He's not my lover. He's nothing more to me than a commanding officer. Or at least that's how I should think of him as my CO and nothing more. A friend outside the base perhaps, but from there on there is nothing. Or at least that's how it should be. And I suppose when you look at it from the outside, that is all there is to the naked eye. But anyone with telekinetic powers who looked into my mind would see the nature of my thoughts toward my CO were less than professional. Of course I look up to him and respect him I would regardless of rank but with this added infatuation, I think the days are harder to get through than they have ever been before.
Looking at my journal sitting on my desk in front of me I find myself flicking through the pages back to when I first came to Cheyenne Mountain and found out about the Stargate Program, SG1 and my involvement in it all. My first journal entry was the night I arrived. My memory of the night itself is slim, but while reading my entry, I find myself remembering it clearer than it was when it was happening.
I arrived here late this afternoon to find out about the Stargate Program and SG1. That's the team I am to take part in. It all sounds so amazing it's overwhelming. Meeting Colonel O'Neill was better than I expected. I guess I thought he would be the usual macho military commanding officer, but he's not like that at all. Of course I didn't sit down and play 20 questions with him, but from where I sat, the view was very nice. Listen to that, already I have my eye on him. More to the point, both eyes. It's definitely not hard to stare. I felt so childish sitting across from him sneaking a look whenever I could. I've only just met the man! I know nothing about him, and already I feel this amazing feeling around him. I played the macho role in his place though, and I bet he thinks I'm a typical woman, always have to prove myself to the male. But that's not me. I was trying to appear impressive and smart, and I didn't need to. I think all I succeeded in doing was making myself look like an idiot. I hope he doesn't think that. He has these amazing eyes so deep. I didn't sit and stare into his eyes expecting to see his past, but for some reason just looking at them once was enough to suck me in. I get the feeling he hasn't had the best of lives, but I can't really talk about things I know nothing about ...
And so my entry went on a little more, talking about our mission to Abydos, but that was my main interest. That section. Reading over it again all these years later makes me realise just how involved I am with a person whom I can and never could be with. By reading that it makes me sound like a lovesick teenager rather than a Major in the US Air Force. I feel so pathetic while reading it, but it's all so true. Even now, everything I'd written that night still stands, only now on a much larger scale.
Over the years I've had time to watch my CO. I've had time to listen to him talking. Time to understand him and see what kind of life he's lived. And time to see further inside him than I think he'd be willing to admit. And although I think I know a lot about him or at least more than I did four years ago I know there's still so many things I'll never know or understand about him. And if he didn't want me to know, I'd love him all the more for it. Why, I could tell no one not even myself but I do know the more I see him lately, the more my mind reels. And while doing so, I find my heart willing me to do the unthinkable. My logical mind is the only weapon I have to fight my heart's yearning. Even then the battle is unbalanced. My heart's strength makes my mind stop and think sometimes think how much I would be gaining if I could just break down the barrier ...
I never will be able to.
"Why do I have to feel this way?" I asked myself before taking a gulp of my coffee. Why had my heart been drawn so far into this love that now I had not a chance to pull out of it. Worst part being that I didn't want to. I love feeling this overwhelming sense of passion as soon as his eyes meet mine. I love the thought of sitting by him during a briefing and hearing his voice. Love the knowledge that I will work with him side by side in defending our planet and knowing he will protect me and the rest of SG1 before even considering his own safety. I admire him for that. And before anyone jumps to tell me, I'm fully aware that is an instinct gained from years of military training and hardship, but even so some officers don't possess the valor he does. My mind refrains me from thinking closely of his face, but my heart pushes past the will of my mind and as I close my eyes I see his smile the way I always see it in my imagination when reality is unavailable. That unmistakable smirk that follows a classic Jack O'Neill moment of sarcasm is the smile connected to my happiness. Of course it's not the source of my very existence, but seeing it livens me with new hope that one day regulations will dissolve from the depths of my logical mind and I will lash away from the square. I will defy my own will to stay within that straight line I'm bound to and curve off into the arms of my Colonel.
How delusional thoughts can become when you are the only one inside your mind. Of course if there was more than me inside my own mind, I would have trouble concentration on anything but with the absence of anyone in the labs, I'm free to neglect work and think thoughts that can only remain as so. Thoughts. Never reality. And how unfair that rule is.
My heart beat slowed and I could feel it almost stop as a hand landed on the desk beside my own and I turned around startled.
"It's alright Carter, only me," his voice lingered in the air and I sighed deeply. The source of my thoughts and I thanked God he couldn't hear them.
"Colonel ... I'm sorry, you startled me," I said breathlessly and he noticed.
"What's up Carter, you been running marathons in here again?"
"No ... I uh like I said, you just startled me." I couldn't believe how stupid I was sounding. You don't talk breathlessly and dart your eyes around the room nervously if you've been startled. I've never seen anyone do it before, but I was feeling myself doing it in that moment.
"Sorry didn't mean to. I thought you heard me come in," he apologised meaningfully and I felt a little less nervous though I couldn't understand where I'd found nervousness either.
"It's alright. I didn't hear you though ... I was somewhere else," I said, not telling a lie. Somewhere else didn't quite seem to cover it, but I wasn't about to tell him precisely where I was.
"Sorry. You busy?"
"Not really. I guess I should be, but I'm too tired to care." Too tired. Good cover up. Not a complete lie either mind you, I hadn't slept in a while.
"Should get some sleep, you look kinda beat." There a perfect example of care that wasn't common in CO's. In men for that matter, and yet he said it with such meaning I could almost agree with him and let him take me. Not almost either, I could very easily let him take me. I'd let him take me anywhere really, but I did have work I was supposed to be doing. Although probably a distraction from work rather than a stimulant, I was glad he'd come.
"I can't yet, I have these samples to test, and then I have to ... "
"Carter, it wasn't a suggestion." I looked at him and frowned slightly. Was he ordering me to go and get some sleep or just doing a little stronger implication?
"Then if you don't mind me asking Colonel, what was it?" I asked with an air of sarcasm that I think he caught onto with an inner smirk.
"I'd say it was an order, but somehow I don't think that would make a difference would it?" he asked with a smile that told me he knew my answer before I gave it.
"I think you've already decided an answer to that sir," I replied ironically. He nodded knowingly.
"Yeah, I thought so." I chuckled. How could he know me well enough to know I would rather sit in a lab all night on my own doing work rather than going and getting some sleep? Although I didn't know my answer, I somehow knew somewhere within myself that he too knew me better than I was willing to admit. "Well if you're not gonna get some sleep, care for some company?" He asked, sitting down on the stool beside me. I smiled with a nod.
"Thanks Colonel."
"You're welcome Carter besides, who needs sleep?" he joked and I laughed lightly with another nod.
"Yeah," I agreed mindlessly while turning away I noticed my journal sitting opened beside my microscope. Nervous about it laying there open, especially on the page I'd left it, I continued my work while keeping tabs on the position of my journal and my CO's eyes. Darting my own back and forth from my work to my journal, I found the tension within myself too much. Leaning back on my stool, I yawned unintentionally. My stool became unsteady on the slippery floor covering until I felt it toppling backwards. Briefly calling out some inaudible plea, I hit the ground. The breath was knocked from me and I gasped, shutting my eyes.
'Say it's true,
There's nothing like me and you,
I'm not alone,
Tell me you feel it too,
And I would runaway,
I would runaway,
I would runaway,
I would runaway, with you,
Cos I, have fallen in love,
With you, no never,
I'm never gonna, stop falling in love,
With you'
Before I knew it, my CO was beside me on the ground and helping me sit up. The touch of his hand on my shoulder, there for support, and his other hand on mine while breathing slowly I looked at him at his close proximity to me.
"You ok?" he asked with concern in his eyes. I nodded aimlessly and then looked at his hand resting gently on my shoulder. My mind hooded with my unsteady breathing and the closeness I suddenly felt to my CO, I'd forgotten the reason I was breathing so slowly. Gradually my breathing regulated itself and yet I found we were both still sitting on the ground so close to each other. My eyes found my Colonel's and mirrored back to me within them was something I hadn't seen before that moment.
"Colonel ... " I stopped. I hadn't known what I was going to say before opening my mouth but I said the first thing that came to my mind and that was him. His title. Colonel. For all these years of working together and having fun outside the base with Daniel and Teal'c, he'd always remained Colonel. Never his name. Few times had I uttered his name, and even now in this intimate moment I didn't speak it to him not even while we were alone. "Jack," I said and felt such relief while saying it. Brief as the moment was, speaking his name seemed to relieve me of a tension building inside me I hadn't examined close enough before. The need inside my heart to be close to him overwhelmed my mind and soul and before I knew it, we were closer than we had ever been before. "I ... I've wanted more for years." The lack of detail wasn't something I'd planned, but in that moment the words I needed were somewhere further away than my mind cared to venture. He just looked at me with his eyes so full of meaning. Then I knew was the right moment. "How does it feel for you?" I asked.
"It feels the same," he replied simply and then I didn't want to hear anymore words. I lunged forward and captured his lips passionately. Why we'd waited so long neither of us knew, but all we knew then was that we needed to resolve the things our hearts had craved for many years gone by.
The time was then, and it wasn't wasted. Our hands were attached to one another within seconds and held us together by the passion in our kisses and the heat in our urgency. Never before had I known someone to feel me as I felt then, but he could. He could and he did. His hands were like silk over me and they draped me in passion I could have never even dreamed of experiencing. In his arms was the warmest, safest place I'd ever felt, and ever would feel. The strength and warmth within his body was enough to send me to heaven on a cloud, but with an added bonus, his kiss alone was more than enough to satisfy my desire.
We kissed like we'd never done it before and it was almost as though I hadn't. Never before had I been kissed like he kissed me. Tender and yet at the same time filled with love I never could have imagined, not even in my erotic fantasies about him. On we kissed, for seconds, for minutes, for hours I didn't know. To me it felt like hours, but for all I knew it could have been years. Such a moment as that needed to be savored for eternity, but we didn't have that long until the other people I worked with in the lab came back from their rooms. In the event of that happening which I knew it would it seemed like the better option for us to switch places. The other lab workers could return to finish the work I hadn't managed to start, and we could leave for the living quarters to have some time alone in a room with a bed. Although it seemed to be all happening too fast, the years we'd waited had gone slow and we were both prepared to start going fast.
'Close the door,
Lay down upon the snow,
And by candle light,
Make love to me through the night,
Cos I have runaway,
I have runaway,
I have runaway,
I have runaway with you,
Cos I, have fallen in love,
With you, no never,
I'm never gonna stop falling in love,
With you'
In the late evening I woke up with a sigh of delight. Turning over I saw a sight I'd only ever seen before in my dreams. He smiled. Words seemed to elude up both and so we substituted the moment with a kiss. The simple sheet covering us both lay lightly over my shoulder and sat just below Jack's abdomen. I smiled at his well toned body. Who wouldn't?
"What you smilin' at?" he asked, half-smiling.
"Oh nothing," I replied dreamily.
"What you doin'?" Came a voice behind me, and I shut my lap-top.
"Oh nothing," I replied and turned around to be met with a kiss. "Hmm, what you doing here?" I asked and he sat down.
"I'd say nothing, but I actually came to see what you were doing."
"I told you, nothing."
"Yes I know what you told me. But that doesn't mean I believe a word of it."
"Oh! Nice to know who trusts me!" I exclaimed indignantly. He smiled.
"You said yes," he reminded, pointing at the ring on my finger. I smirked cheekily.
"You asked the question."
"Been hanging around mewaytoo much."
"Nah, you're alright once you get to know ya."
"Gee thanks." I smiled brightly and kissed him warmly.
"Always knew I loved you for a reason."
"Ahh, so you weren't sucked in by my charm?" I laughed mockingly.
"Oh yeah, that's a good one. Charm Jack O'Neill ... completely opposite."
"Hey, charm is my middle name," he said inclining an eyebrow. I giggled.
"Yeah sure. Whatever you reckon."
"Alright then, if it's not charm, it's persistence. What were you doing?"
"I told you already, nothing."
"Yes, and I told you already that I knew that wasn't true. Come on, lemme see," Jack persisted and flipped open my laptop while stealing it away from me.
"Hey, hey, hey! Give it back, c'mon Mr. Persistence," I said quickly and followed him around the room while he walked in circles reading the screen.
"What's this?" he asked while reading.
"Nothing!" I yelled, reaching out my hand to try and grab the computer off him. He moved it out of my reach while continuing to read.
"Did you write this?" I stopped walking and he looked up at me then stopped too. "You did! When? Wait, why?"
"Cos I felt like it."
"I remember that night you know?"
"Do you?"
"Yeah! You falling off that stool, as if I'd forget that! Classic!" Jack scoffed and I sighed. "Whatcha gonna do with this then?"
"I don't know."
"Hmm ... interesting. Don't remember when you ... "
"Yeah, yeah ok. I get the picture."
"Hey watch it, I hadn't finished yet. Probably don't wanna hear what I was gonna say though. Anyway, I'm not laughing at ya."
"Much."
"C'mon, credit where it's due. Crafty, yes. Liar, no. Woulda thought you'd know that."
"Alright, I'll give you that one. Still, I just wrote it as something to remember," I explained slowly and sat down on the bed. Jack joined me and put the lap-top on the floor, hugging his arms around my shoulders. I looked at him with a smile. "I will always remember it you know?" I said. He nodded.
"Me too." Pressing a kiss to my temple, I rested my head on his shoulder.
"Carter, Carter wake up. Oh for cryin' out loud, come on Carter." His voice penetrated the silence and I smiled.
"I love you Jack," I said dreamily and opened my eyes. Before my eyes wasn't the picture I quite expected to see. My eyes widened and I scrambled to sit up. "What ... "
"You passed out." Suddenly the situation jumped back into my memory and I gasped. My mouth hanging open stupidly I opened and closed it over and again to try and find an explanation. Starting several different sentences seemed to be unsuccessful, so I just sat there on the floor looking at my CO for a moment.
"Colonel I don't know what to say," I said truthfully. And it was true. I didn't know what to say. What could I say? I couldn't tell the truth, but I couldn't lie either. Even if I did lie, what in Heaven's name could I say that was believable,andthat explained why I'd just said I love my Colonel. I was stuck between a rock and a very hard place. I could see the confusion in his eyes, but past that some recognition I couldn't explain. Seemed in that moment there were a lot of things I couldn't explain.
We sat there on the floor for what seemed like an eternity before he got up and left without words. I wanted to stop him. I wanted to tell him it was the truth. I wanted to put up huge neon signs all over the base proclaiming to the whole SGC I was in love with my CO. No matter how stupid it sounded, I wanted to do so many things that I ended up doing nothing at all. I felt stupid, and ashamed I hadn't been game enough to tell him the truth but then at the same time I felt good that I hadn't stepped over that line that separates my mind and my heart deciding what I do. I'd allowed my heart to scream at me for that time we sat together on the ground, but I'd also made my logical mind win the end decision, and it had. As much as I hated my logical mind for it, it was the only way.
Looking at the clock on the wall some time later, I noticed it was 04:05. Women's locker room ended five minutes was my initial reaction to the early hour. Locker room showers. That's not a bad idea. Leaving all my unfinished work for the early crew of workers to complete, I took myself off to the locker room. Five minutes. That's not long, and at this early hour of the morning, I knew there wouldn't be any problem me going in there for a quick shower. Besides, on my way to the locker room I passed no one so it was hardly about to be full of men merely five minutes after it turned into their locker room. I was safe I knew that.
When I got there, I undressed and dumped all my clothes on the bench. I noticed a pile of clothes at the end of the bench, but thought nothing of it. Looking at them closely would have made no difference in the way of knowing if it were males or females clothes. As we all wear the same thing, I was hardly going to know. I assumed it was another late coming female officer and continued to pad carefully across the slippery floor to the showers. As I passed the shower that was already running I tapped the wall.
"Hey, who's that?" I called into the steam. No reply. I supposed they hadn't heard me. "Hey that you in there Rachel?" I asked. No reply. She was the only one I thought would be in the locker room so late at night. And unless I was mistaken, she wouldn't answer me either. She never did. She'd always say nothing then later do something stupid and scare me half to death. I suspected she would this time too, and so I went on into the next shower cubicle. Turning the water on nice and hot, the warmth of it woke me up more than I cared to be at that moment. After thinking that, I realised it was probably better I be very awake while having my shower especially when Rachel was next to me and hadn't replied when I'd asked if it was her. Any moment I expected her to jump out and scream or throw something at me and scare me. Then an idea hit me. Why wait for her to scare me half to death? If I knew she would do it which I did then I could easily beat her to it. Excellent Sam! I thought to myself as I mused over what I could do to her that she wouldn't expect. Looking down at the cake of soap on the ground beside my feet, I smiled and picked it up. She'd never thought of this one. This was going to be classic I wished I had my camera to take happy snaps of her reaction. Sneaking slowly around to the edge of the wall separating the two shower cubicles, I stuck my head around it and saw the body underneath the flowing water of the shower head. But to my shock, it wasn't Rachel. It definitely wasn't Rachel in fact it wasn't a woman. Clapping my hand over my mouth in astonishment I backed away from the edge of the wall and into my own shower cubicle. This wasn't my day. I thought saying aloud that I loved my CO,tomy CO was bad enough but it seemed that was only the beginning. To add to that horribly frightening moment, I had this newest one. I had been about to throw a cake of soap at my CO! God had it in for me. I was sure of it. How could I not have noticed that bundle of clothes at the end of the bench was his?! How could I have been so stupid? Breathing slowly, I tried to collect myself together. Closing my eyes tightly for a moment I tried to think of what I could do. Had he heard me call to him? Had he heard the voice and thought nothing of it? Had he not heard me at all? Should I try to sneak out so he didn't even know I was there at all? Should I stay and wait for him to go? But that could be a while I didn't know when he'd arrived. The situation seemed hopeless but at the same time nothing to be fussed about. Although the thought of any other men coming into the locker room hadn't penetrated my thoughts yet in the back of my mind I was considering that small fact and was very shaken by it. I could barely handle knowing I was in the men's locker room next to the same shower my CO was showering in, let alone the fact that more men could start trampling in at any moment. That thought alone made my breath catch in my throat.
Finally I decided. I would sneak out before he could see me and he'd never know I was there at all. Turning off the water to my shower, I wrapped my towel around myself and padded back out to the lockers. On my way past his bundle of clothes, I picked up his jacket just to be sure it was indeed him I saw in that shower. It was steamy after all, I could have been wrong about who I saw.
Colonel Jack O'Neill
I sighed. I hadn't been wrong. The badge on his jacket proved it. Crunching the small section I gripped into my hand, I let it slide back onto the bench where it was before I moved it. It was then I heard the water from the showers stop running. Widening my eyes in shock, I quickly raced to my stuff and began to get dressed. I hadn't a lot of time to get out unnoticed, but it could be done.
Could was the operative word in the above sentence, because I didn't manage it. Before I had time to pull on my jacket, my name was sounded and I closed my eyes briefly with a sigh.
"Carter. What ... "
"I was just leaving sir, don't worry," I spat out quickly before he'd even began to ask his question. I didn't turn around as I answered him I stayed facing the bench, looking down at it. As I thought that, I found my eyes drifting to the side in hope of catching some sort of glimpse of my Colonel. He went over to his things, I heard him walking and assumed that was where he went. I looked up nervously unsure if I was supposed to leave then or stay. Why I would be required to stay eluded me, but for some reason the question loomed in my mind. Collecting my thoughts in the very small bundle they made, I turned in the opposite direction to the door and faced my CO. His body clad in merely a towel was enough to send me away thinking wrong things, but the fact that he stood facing me was more. And not only because of the nice view it provided. More because I was confused. Why hadn't he asked me to leave? Why wasn't he shying away from me being so close to him when he was so ... under-dressed? Questions popping into my mind were all of the same ilk and yet all unanswerable. At least to me. I suppose I could easily have asked him, but I chose not to. Even that I didn't know the answer to. Yet while standing a meager meter or so away from him, I seemed to feel more comfortable with the situation than I thought was appropriate. No that's a lie, it wasn't thatIthought it was inappropriate regulations did. That's what women's locker room and men's locker room was designed for. I'd gone over that line, and now was standing only a short distance from the line that meant Court-Martial. And that was the line of physical contact. The kind that CO's and 2IC's don't have in the Military. That kind of physical contact that deems us both mostly me if I were to step over that line out of line and disobeying regulations of the US Air Force. And that was no exaggeration. And although I'd just told myself all those things I would be doing wrong if and when I ever did step over that line, in those moments of standing such a short distance from my Colonel, I felt an amazing urge to completely disregard those regulations and go for broke. Why the hell not?
Of course following all those mentally foregone conclusions my logic snapped into practice and reminded me how I couldn't possibly step over that line that I was oh so close to forgetting even existed. My eyes trailed the edge of that line for so long I started to believe there really was a big red line drawn on the locker room floor just a few centimeters away from my CO's feet. But once my eyes found his feet they travelled up until reaching his face that I was so easily lost in. Before I knew it, my legs were walking. Forward. Backwards seemed an odd choice when there was something so tempting standing only a few metersforward. And so my feet obeyed my heart and went forward, until I reached that line on the floor. That thin red line that separates right from wrong within regulations in the military. And how I wished they didn't exist.
Unfortunate for me and my illogical mind, they existed. Not only to myself, but for the other members of the military though it seemed only for me in that moment of contemplation. When I stopped walking, I noticed I was standing but an inch from my Colonel and then I looked up. If not for his height exceeding my own, our noses would have touched. Drops of water trailed down his body from his wet hair and my eyes caught one particular droplet. Sliding delicately down his neck and over his shoulder, I watched as it made its journey over his chest and then subconsciously felt I shouldn't have been so enthralled within the passage of a water droplet. Looking up a little too fast, I noticed his eyes on me. What to make of that evaded me, but I knew it had to mean something. And if not for it to mean something, I hoped it did. As our eyes met and my heart began beating faster than it should have, I saw a vision flash by my eyes too quick to see in detail. From the snippet I saw my head flinched back and my hands jumped. The brief picture of me lunging forward and grasping his lips within my own and his face in my hands made me unsteady with us being so close. Then from the vision I knew. Thinking its meaning over for a shorter moment than was needed, I knew that it had been my green light. My nod of approval and my thumbs up. It told me, now while we were in the current situation, I had to make that first move I had to cross the line. So then without any further time to think about it and change my mind it did exactly what I'd been shown to do. Moving up onto the balls of my feet to reach his level, grasping his face within my hands I put my lips to his and kissed him.
Before long, his hands had found me, and I was leaning into him so freely if he'd moved I'd have hit the ground with a thud. The wet skin under my hands proved harder than you'd expect to grasp, but with some help I managed alright. We kissed erratically almost as though we'd never kissed before. And by that I don't mean us together, I mean ever at all. And I'd kissed before, so had he but never like this. I know kissing is just kissing. With some it's good and others it's not so good. But this was different in a way I couldn't explain. His mouth seemed to send electricity through me. Sent my senses rushing. And with them, my mind. Racing on further into time, it showed me what I was to do now and in the future. I pushed him around the bench and back into the lockers. His back hard up against them, we kissed passionately until time disappeared.
Crossing that line was something I never thought I'd have the guts to do, but once I had I didn't regret it.
'And I would runaway,
I would runaway,
I would runaway,
I would runaway, with you,
Cos I, have fallen in love,
With you, no never,
I'm never gonna stop falling in love,
With you,
Fallen in love,
With you, no never,
I'm never gonna stop falling in love,
With you,
With you, my love, with you.'
"Runaway" The Corrs
=End=
"You wouldn't think jagged bone digging into raw nerves would hurt, but it does," Jack ~ "Solitudes"
"Now we die," Bratac,
"Well that's a bad plan," Jack ~ "The Serpent's Lair"
"Well, I suppose now is the time for me to say something profound ... nothing comes to mind," Jack ~ "The Serpent's Lair"
Commentsplease. Don't have to write me a letter just acknowledgement is nice. Thanks.
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