Not Really Seeing
Not Really Seeing
by Sparky_girl
Summary: Sam's thoughts after 100 days.
Category: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Missing Scene/Epilogue, POV, Thoughts
Episode Related: 317 A Hundred Days
Season: any Season
Pairing: Jack/Sam
Rating: G
Warnings: none
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author(s).
Archived on: 01/15/04
Title: Not Really Seeing
Author: Holly
Email: Hollz18_01@yahoo.com
Rating: G
Category: Missing scene, angst
Spoilers: Anything up to 100 days
Season/Sequel: 100 days
Content Warning: none I can think of
Summary: Sam's thoughts after the events on Edora
Archive: SJD, Heliopolis, yes. Anywhere else, yes, just let me know where.
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and places are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret Productions. "You Don't See Me" performed by Letters to Cleo in the movie "Josie and the Pussycats" is used without permission. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended. I am making no money through this piece of work and if I did I wouldn't keep it, it'd go to charity plus I'm just a broke college student with a stargate collection I'd rather not lose.
Author's Notes: Thanks to Calyxshipper and Jacqueline for being awesome beta's for this and not killing my first born! This is my first attempt at fanfic so be nice, but feedback would be great so I know whether to quit or not. And if this is accepted, a sequel is being thought up as I write this. This just kind of came to me and it's quite late here so...be kind. I'm a firefighter so flames have no effect on me!
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"Come on!" she yelled out to the traffic, mentally willing it to move. "I guess that only works on hand devices," she sighed. Eventually the traffic started to move again. On her right she saw the cause of the delays: a traffic accident. "And of course everyone and their dog has to go really slow and stare at the accident!" she thought, annoyed.
Sam spent the rest of the drive home in silence. She had no desire to listen to any of the peppy love songs that she knew inevitably ended up on every station. No, tonight all she wanted to do was go home, open up a box of chocolate, and maybe some wine, and try not to think of Colonel O'Neill and the pain she was feeling after today. Normally she was far too responsible to drown her sorrows in alcohol, but not tonight. The pain inside her chest was too much for her to bear on her own.
Eventually she reached her house. It was dark and lonely, just like she felt. She hadn't been there in weeks. She'd spent all her time on base making that particle accelerator, and all for someone who didn't want to be rescued.
"What was I thinking? Colonel O'Neill couldn't possibly feel anything for me. I was an idiot to think otherwise."
She shivered as she walked into the cold house. "Yup, exactly how I remember...lonely."
She set about making a fire in the fireplace to help warm up the house. After getting the fire going, she went in search of her secret stash of chocolate that she kept in case of an emergency. After grabbing a bottle of wine and the chocolate, she went back to the living room and sat on the couch, enjoying the warmth of the fire.
Finally the silence of her house began to overpower her and she gave in and got up to turn on the stereo. Just like she figured she would, she heard the typical mix of all those sappy love songs. Too tired to really care, she sat back down on the couch, hoping the wine would help her fall asleep into a dreamless sleep, allowing her to be free of her hurting heart.
A few minutes later, a song that was unlike all the others came on. And she started to listen to the words and was amazed at how they seemed to echo everything she was feeling.
This is the place where I sit This is the part where I love you too much Is this as hard as it gets? 'Cause I'm getting tired Of pretending I'm tough I'm here if you want me I'm yours, you can hold me I'm empty and taken and Tumbling and breakin' 'Cause you don't see me And you don't need me And you don't love me The way I wish you would The way I know you could
As the song played, her eyes started filling up with unshed tears. Tears of frustration, tears of pain, tears that came from knowing that the love she felt for this man was unrequited. Oh, sure, she knew she shouldn't feel this way about her CO. There were regulations against it even if he felt the same, but how can you tell your heart who to or not to love? You simply can't. She had thought that maybe, just maybe, he felt the same. When she came through the gate on Edora, she had hoped he'd at least be proud of her and what she had done, even be a bit grateful. But instead she heard him tell Laira how he didn't want to go home. When she heard him say that, it hurt her; it hurt her deeper than anything she had ever experienced before. He wasn't even happy to see her as a friend.
I dream of worlds Where you'd understand And I dream a Million sleepless nights I dream of fire when You're touching my hand But it twists into smoke When I turn on the light I'm speechless and faded It's too complicated Is this how the book ends, Nothing but good friends?
Good friends? Hah! After today she didn't care if she spoke to him ever again. Of course, due to their close working arrangement, she knew she would have to. But being the good little soldier that she was, she would continue on with the fight against the Goa'uld with O'Neill at her side. She would push her feelings aside, and keep going. It's what she always did. Maybe there was some alternate universe out there where she was actually happy. Maybe someday she would find that world and she could find out what she had done wrong in this one.
'Cause you don't see me And you don't need me And you don't love me The way I wish you would
Unfortunately, all O'Neill would ever see her as was a fellow soldier, only a coworker, simply another friend. It hurt to think of seeing him everyday, knowing what would never be. And she hoped that maybe someday she could move past that, get on with her life, and find someone to complete her. But she knew that no matter whom she would find, there would be part of her heart that would always be occupied by a brown-eyed Colonel with scruffy graying hair.
This is the place in my heart This is the place where I'm falling apart Isn't this just where we met? And is this the last chance That I'll ever get? I wish I was lonely Instead of just only Crystal and see-through And not enough to you 'Cause you don't see me And you don't need me And you don't love me The way I wish you would
Why she wasn't enough, she would never know, and she wasn't sure she really wanted to know. She just knew that any hope of ever finding happiness with him was a waste of time. Maybe Daniel was right when he said that she never knew real love. Heavens knows that Jonas never really loved her. Narim seemed to care for her, but she was never given a chance to know for sure, and the one man she had thought might care, she now knew for sure didn't. It hurt. It hurt her so much she didn't know if she could take anymore.
As the song ended, she realized that she had actually been crying. Something she hardly ever indulged in. Military training had taught her to hide your emotions, because displaying emotions shows weakness. Trying to calm herself down, she walked outside for some fresh air.
Lifting her face up for a deep breath of much-needed oxygen, she noticed what a wonderful night it really was. It was a crisp clear evening and she could see a sky of stars. She closed her eyes and relished the feel of the cool air on her flushed skin. After a few minutes she thought that she might be able to find a way to get through this, because it couldn't possibly get much worse than this. Someday they might be able to go back to a civil friendship but she knew it would take time. She went inside feeling, if not a little better, at least a little more in control of her emotions. Maybe she could get some sleep tonight. Maybe, for once, she wouldn't dream about what couldn't be.
Finis! So tell me..whaddya think??? Review, pretty please!
If you enjoyed this story, please send feedback to Sparky_girl
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