All we can have for now
All we can have for now
by Shana
TITLE: All we can have for now
AUTHOR: Shana
EMAIL: ursula.maurer@t-online.de
CATEGORY: Romance, Missing Scene/Epilogue
PAIRING: Sam/Jack
SPOILERS: none that I can think of
SEASON / SEQUEL: 4
RATING: PG
CONTENT WARNINGS: none
SUMMARY: Jack and Sam finally have to sort out what happend while they were tested by Anise. People who like Sam/Jack stories will definitely like it
STATUS: Complete
ARCHIVE: Heliopolis
DISCLAIMER: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. We have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the authors. Not to be archived without permission of the authors.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: I want to thank all my friends that said "Shana write that story", especially Carrie. You made me hurry up and finish it! Luv ya lots! Thanks you Kylie for checking it. Feedback is appreciated, as it's my first Sam/Jack story. Enjoy reading it, sorry it's so short but there's always another story left! : )
"Carter?" Jack O'Neill quietly calls, leaning at the door of my lab. I whisk around. "Sir, I didn't hear you coming. Don't ever do that again, you're giving me a heart attack!" 'Not only with that' I add in my thoughts. 'Everything he does makes my heart beat faster. Stop thinking that way Sam! He's your CO, that won't ever change.' "Sir, is there something I can do for you?" "Yeah... well... " I can tell he's nervous, I know his every look. I give him an assuring smile. "I think we need to talk." He then says. Oh no, I know what he's talking about. Damn Anise and her zatarc test machine. "Yes sir." I answer. "What about topside in 10 minutes?" he asks. "I'll be there." I answer and he leaves. I know we have to talk. The thing is that I don't want to. All these forbidden feelings I had buried had finally shown up. We had been considered dangerous, re-tested, and when we told the whole truth, including the feelings we had, it suddenly turned out we were no zatarcs at all. Just... more than friends. Of course I liked to hear he cared about me, but it just made things worse. Seeing him every day, secretly loving him, being loved back by him and never having the possibility to touch. That sucks. Sometimes the longing is so bad that I think I'm going to die. Of course I never did, you always get tortured before. Anyway, I have to deal with that now, and this talk surely won't be easy. I make my way towards the elevator and meet him topside. "Colonel?" I say. "Hey Carter. Punctual as always. Let's wander around a little, okay?" Now that is odd, he never asks for something like that. I just nod. Some minutes we walk beside each other, neither of us saying a word. We eventually sit down and look at the stars. It's a beautiful night, clear and full-mooned. I would have enjoyed the sight if I hadn't known about the things we had to sort out now. I'm just waiting for him to begin. "About that zatarc test thing" he slowly says. "Sir you don't need to explain anything to me." I interrupt him. "Yes I do. We have to sort that out. Now." I know he's right. "Did you mean what you were saying?" "What? About rather dying myself than losing you? That I cared about you more than I was supposed to?" I nod. "Yeah. I meant every word, Sam." I notice that he's calling me Sam, not, like usually, Carter or Major. "Did you?" he suddenly questions. I swallow hard. "Yes I did." I manage to say. Suddenly I feel so silly. I stand up and try to leave him, but he calls after me. "Major, come back here. That's anorder!" "Sir we're off duty, you can't order me anything!" "Then I ask you to come back and call me Jack. Please Sam." I hate him, he only has to say these two words and I can't refuse. "We're going to make things worse with that chat, sir... ah Jack." "Can it really get worse Sam? I mean I just admitted I cared about my 2IC, for what I could be court-martialled, or thrown out of the Stargate, so could you, and I'm seriously talking with you about it. I can't see anything that's worse than that at the moment." I have to smile at that, at least he hasn't lost his sarcasm. If he had I'd seriously begin to worry. "Are you sorry?" I ask. "That I got to tell you how I feel? No, that's been the best day of my life." He replies, plopping down beside me again. Yep, absolutely no sarcasm lost. But that's not going to help us now. "Sir, you don't really expect me to believe you that you feel so strongly, are you?" He looks at me. "You're saying I wasn't being serious?" "No that's not what I'm saying. I think that in that minute you thought you'd lose me you were really shocked and everything. But you wouldn't rather die yourself than lose me. Seriously." He directly looks at me now. "Why don't you believe me?" "Sir, first there's Sara. In Antarctica when you were dying you weren't calling for me, no, you were calling for her! Then, Lara. When I had finally figured out how to get you home, you didn't want to! You wanted to stay with her or take her back with you!" "Oh my God, you weren't supposed to hear that." I just let out a sound which is in between hurt and disbelief. "Carter, I know I should've had more faith in you. I already apologised for that. I didn't really want her with me, I just had to ask. And about Sara, hell, that's the period of my life before you. Why am I even defending myself? What about you? And Jonas, your soft spot for the lunatic fringe?" "You heard that?" I am shocked now. "I was walking directly behind you and Daniel. There wasn't much I could do but overhear." "And you think you're a part of that lunatic fringe?" "Aren't I?" "No! God no!" "What about Marty then? You love him, right?" Again I have to swallow hard, this I didn't expect. It's hard to explain. "Yes I do." I begin, but I'm interrupted by his look. I can't exactly tell what it is, but it involves jealousy and hurt, dragged down by his military mask. "It's so complicated. When I'm near him I feel I love him. I, Samantha Carter, am his friend, but Jolinar was his mate. I don't know whether these feelings are from me or from her. I'd never get involved with him as long as I can't be sure whose feelings I'm feeling." He doesn't answer. "It's not just that Jack. You kissed the alternate reality version of me. I saw you through the quantum mirror. Why did you do that? Why do you hurt me all over again?" "I don't know. She needed the comfort, and I just had to close my eyes and it was you. From my reality. Listen Sam, I'm not one to talk about myself. I even couldn't talk to Sara after Charlie had died. I'm sorry that I made you suffer so many times. But you've got to believe me when I say that I care about you." This statement makes us remain silent for some moments. He does good for someone who doesn't like talking about himself. Now, what else can we say? Everything has been said. "There is so much against us, why are we even considering the pros?" I want to know. "Maybe because I think it could be worth trying. Maybe you're worth it Sam." As I look at him I know he means it. But I can't let him screw his career for me. I'm not even sure if I want it. 'Sam, who are you trying to kid, of course you want him!' I think. "Yes, maybe. But maybe we should just take our time. Staying friends, and then checking out what happens further. It's not only us we have to think about, it's also SG-1, the whole Stargate program, even earth! How could we possibly think it's only a decision concerning the two of us?" "What the hell has earth got to do with that?" Jack questions. Oh I forget he doesn't think like I do sometimes. "Every time you do something there are millions of new opportunities, remember?" "Yeah, that alternate reality thing you told us." 'Techno-babble' I hear him add in his thoughts. "Right. Now imagine an enemy attacking earth. If one of us is missing, we might not have that luck again." "You're correct. So tell me you weren't serious, you don't want me at all and we'll never mention anything again." I see, he slowly loses patience. He's so sweet when he gets angry, but I can't give in to these feelings. Neither can I lie at him now. "I do want you Jack but I can't. Please let's stay friends for now." "You really think we can do that? After all that's happened?" "We have to." I answer and stand up. We've been talking long enough, if we continue I might not be able to convince myself that what I'm saying is what I'm feeling. As much as I'd like to screw regs and everything and just give in to my feelings, I'm military. I know it's going to kill myself. Getting up, seeing him, pretending I don't love this man. Pretending not to want him. He stands up, too, and looks into my eyes. He gently cups my face with his hands, forcing me to look at him. "I'll wait for you Sam." is all he says, but I know what he means. I blink the tears that are filling my eyes away. I want to leave now, I won't be able to resist much longer and I know it. Suddenly he leans in closely and lightly brushes his lips against mine. Gaining passion I open my mouth and know I'm lost. I'm falling deeper and deeper in love with him and there's nothing I can do about it. There's so much against it but I do love him. I always have and always will, I'm a fool to even try and deny it. But at the end the practised feeling to avoid contact wins and we pull apart. I look into his eyes, and they're full of love for me. I know he can see the same in my eyes now. This is definitely going to kill me. Suppress this love is going to be even harder now that I have let go of myself so much. "This is all we can have for now." I whisper and know he understands. "I'll wait Sam." He repeats, and so will I. I turn around and head back. I know there's a day when we can live this love, and though it'll hurt a little more tomorrow when I wake up this is worth it. I have to go on pretending. I just wonder how long I'll be able to. How long will I be able to suppress this overwhelming, undying love?
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