Hallucinations and Realisations Chapter 3
Hallucinations and Realisations Chapter 3
by Scully
Summary: Sam has to cope with the aftermath of Grace, and will Jack risk losing her again? This series will follow from Grace to The Lost City.
Category: Series
Episode Related: 713 GRACE, 714 FALLOUT, 715 CHIMERA, 716 DEATH KNELL, 717 HEROES Part 1, 718 HEROES Part 2, 719 RESURRECTION, 720 INAUGURATION, 721 LOST CITY Part 1, 722 LOST CITY Part 2
Season: any Season
Pairing: Jack/Sam
Rating: PG
Warnings: none
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author(s).
Archived on: 02/02/04
Spoilers: There are a few here, some from Solitudes, 100 days, Divide and Conquer and Grace are the only ones, I think.
Rating: PG 13
Stargate: It isn't mine, but then I'm an eternal optimist and plan to win the lottery very soon.
Warnings: For those with small bladders...now is the time to pee :O)
Chapter Three - Trust and Friendship
Walking into the kitchen with a cup of coffee nestled in her hands, Sam watched as Janet prepared supper. The house seemed so quiet without Cassie's normally exuberant voice drifting through the various rooms. Janet was busy preparing a stir-fry for them and had ordered her to take it easy on the couch in the front room, with strict orders to take it easy. One thing that Samantha Carter was never fond of doing, was taking it easy; she hated that phrase. Janet was so involved with her cooking that she didn't even hear Sam come in. As the food sizzled in the wok, Janet obliviously started humming to the background music playing on the radio. Turning round to get some vegetables from the fridge she spotted Sam standing by the doorway with a far away look in her eyes.
"Hey, I thought you were supposed to be resting on the sofa?" Janet enquired casually.
"I got bored, so thought I'd see what you were up to."
"Fed-up with your own company already? That's not like you."
"I know. I guess I'm just still out of sorts." Sam replied honestly, pulling a chair out from under the table and sitting down. With her hand resting on her head, Sam stared at the cup of piping hot coffee laid out in front of her.
"You ready to talk about it?" Janet asked turning off the stove, and pulling up a chair beside her best friend.
Sam's eyes began filling with unshed tears and with embarrassment at letting her guard down, she quickly began wiping them as they precariously fell from her cheeks. "I'm so sorry, Janet. I don't know what's wrong with me these days."
Placing her arm round her shoulder, Janet pulled her closer to her enveloping her in a hug; something that she knew her friend desperately needed.
"Oh, Sam. When are you going to give yourself a break? You're not superwomen you know. You've been through an ordeal that would have anyone on edge." She replied, now looking directly at her, her hands still resting on Sam's shoulder.
Taking a deep breath inward Sam asked, "So when do I start feeling better? I've been back now nearly four days and I still feel..."
"Feel what?" Janet broached gently.
"Lost!" It was a simply word, but so poignant to how she felt. She didn't know why she felt lost, only that she did.
"It's going to take time, don't forget that you're still recovering from a nasty concussion, Sam. That can take a long time to get over, and can leave you feeling a bit...lost."
"Janet, I've had concussions before and never felt like this afterwards." Sam advised her; recalling the dreams that plagued her night and the haunting voice that crept into her conscious mind when she was awake.
"Sam, this wasn't just a case of 'simple concussion', there were other factors involved. When you have a head injury certain, images, sounds and situations can affect how much trauma is placed on the brain. If you are under stress or having to cope with keeping yourself alive, these things can have an effect on your body for a long time after the injury to the brain has been healed. Every person is different, and every knock on the head is different. This one might just take a while to recover from, but you will be fine, I promise you. What you're feeling is natural, so is talking; something you've done little of these last couple of days. To be honest, Sam, we've all been a little worried."
"All?"
Getting up to make herself a coffee, Janet turned her back on her friend as she began pouring the coffee from the peculator into her mug.
"Janet? What do you mean by 'All'?" Sam asked suspiciously, a hint of anger began simmering inside as she wondered whom else her friend had talked to.
"Just Colonel O'Neill." Janet replied softly.
"You talked to the Colonel about me? Janet how could you! You know how I..."
"How you what? How you feel?"
"Janet, that's not fair."
"Sam." Janet said, speaking softly, moving back towards her friend who appeared to be growing angrier by the minute. "I'm not blind. I've known for a long time how you feel about him and I know that it's something you've been denying to yourself for a very long time. I'm sorry, Sam, but there are some things that you can bury deep inside you, or push them to one side in the hope that they won't come back and bite you in the butt. *BUT*, there are some things that will always creep up towards the surface...and like it or not you are going to have to face these feelings head on and deal with them directly, otherwise they'll tear you apart." Janet replied honestly.
Ever since Jack had gone missing on Edora, she'd begun to suspect that Sam's feelings for her C.O had been more than professional. Realisation of her suspicions had been confirmed a few years ago after they had been tested with the Tok'ra mind probe, but this had been the first time that she'd told her friend exactly how much she knew about the situation.
Covering her face, Sam had never felt so mortified in her life. Out of all the things her and Janet had shared over the last 7 years, never once had she broached this subject with her. It was something that Sam had to keep to herself. Janet wasn't only her friend, she was her doctor to and she knew that it could ultimately compromise her position within SG-1 and she hadn't wanted to put Janet in that position.
"I can't believe you spoke to the Colonel about me."
"He rang this morning." Seeing the distraught look on her face she continued, "Sam, he was worried about you and wanted to check that you were alright."
"Does he know...?" Sam asked gingerly, not looking directly at her
"No, of course not. It's not my place to tell him, Sam...it's yours. That is, IF you ever tell him."
"So *what* did you tell him?"
"I just told him, that you seemed a bit quiet, that you hadn't been sleeping well and that you had some things to sort out."
"Oh, great, Janet. Now he's going to think I'm a nut case. I'm due back in work next week, how the hell am I going to face him now."
"Sam, he's your friend, he was worried about you. I think you're over-reacting."
"Janet, you don't understand." Sam replied sadly, fiddling with her cup of coffee.
"Sam, what actually happened on board the Prometheus?"
"I don't want to discuss it, Janet." Sam retorted, getting up from the kitchen table.
Grasping her arm, so she couldn't retreat, Janet continued, "Sam, listen to me. I know that you might not want to talk about, but I'm afraid you're going to have to otherwise I won't have any alternative, but make arrangements for you to see Dr McKenzie."
"I can't believe this. You call yourself my friend and here you are, ready to betray me and our friendship." Sam stated bitterly. The anger that had been bubbling quietly like a volcano was beginning to erupt and it was all directed at her best friend.
"It's not like that, Sam. I'm not just talking about your feelings towards the Colonel. I'm talking about the nightmares and the fact that you go off into your own little world when people are talking to you. What do you want me to do, Sam? Say that you're fit enough to return to work? I can't do that. Whatever happened to you on board the Prometheus is *still* affecting you, and I don't mean just the remnants of the concussion, it goes deeper than that. There are issues that you need to work out, before I'll let you return to work."
Sitting back down, she watched quietly as the tears fell onto her hands spilling down on to the hard surface of the table, she didn't even bother this time to wipe away. She so desperately wanted to talk to Janet about things, but didn't know where to start. Janet had been right about everything so far and it proved just how close their friendship had become.
In her mind, she knew Janet would never report to the SGC about her feelings towards her CO, but her hallucinations and nightmares since she returned could effectively keep her from returning to the job that she lived for. The SGC was her life and over the last few days she'd felt as if everything had been slipping away from her. Janet was right, she had grown distant from the world, but all her concentrated efforts had been placed on keeping the hallucinations at bay.
"Please, Sam, let me help you."
Pondering on whether to tell her, she knew that she would have to if she were to return to work. Wiping the last remnants of unshed tears from her eyes, she took a steadying breath - exhaling slowly in an effort to control her emotions.
"I don't know where to begin." Sam said softly.
"Why don't you start after you regained consciousness and go from there?" Janet suggested squeezing her friend's hand in an effort to ease her friend's pain - waiting patiently for her friend to begin.
"When I tried to get some of the systems back online on board the Prometheus, I started having hallucinations, first there was this little girl. When I saw her I didn't know what to think, I thought she was real, but then she disappeared and I didn't think anything more of it, but she kept coming back time and time again talking in riddles. Then, when I was sat at one of the workstations, Teal'c grabbed my hand and told me "If you sleep, you will die!" And to be honest, it scared me. When I met him later on, he told me that I was being kept prisoner and that the Aliens were probing my mind. At that point I didn't know what to think."
Taking a shaky breath she continued. "Then Daniel arrived and said that he was part of me - my subconscious mind or something like that and saying that he wanted me to talk to the cloud, because he believed that the girl was a physical manifestation of the it and I started to get confused. I mean, there I was alone aboard an abandoned ship, stuck in a gaseous nebula and I was seeing my friends appear one by one. To top it all off, I was talking to them like they were actually there.
Janet interjected advising, "It's not un-common, Sam. You sustained a nasty concussion; it's possible that in your mind you knew that if you slept, you could have died. You probably envisaged Teal'c because he has a strong sense of self to survive and he brings out those instincts in you."
"And Daniel?"
"Well." Janet said aloud trying to sort things in her own mind. "You and Daniel are very much alike. Daniel is an explorer and an anthropologist, plus he questions everything! You have the same enquiring mind, Sam. Think about it, your primary mission was to observe the Nebula, but because the ship was abandoned, you had to put your project to one side and Daniel was there to remind you of that to look at all possibilities."
"Okay, I can see your reasoning, but my dad?"
"Jacob was there?"
Sam nodded, "Yep, he talked to me about my love life...or lack thereof."
"Oh."
"Yeah, that was my first impression too." Sam remembered, shuddering at the thought.
"So what did he say?" Janet asked tentatively.
"He asked me if I was happy with my life and that he was sad because I hadn't found anyone to share my life with. He said I didn't have anyone in my life because I was frightened of being hurt by them. "
Janet's eyes widened at that statement. Then cautiously her eyes met Sam's and said, "He's right though."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, how many relationships have you had, since joining the SGC? One? Two?"
"I've dated." Sam replied indignantly.
Janet gave her a sceptical look, she knew Sam had been out a couple of times with men, but the dates had never gotten past the initial stages and it had always been her friend who stopped the relationship going any further.
"Okay, so there haven't been many..." Sam replied honestly, "... but that doesn't mean anything. My job keeps me busy and it's not as if I can tell them what I do for a living."
"Sam, that's just an excuse for not trying."
Unexpectedly Sam let out a small laugh, which threw Janet off balance. "What's so funny?"
"Lets just say I said the same thing to myself."
Giving her a confused look, she asked, "And what about Colonel O'Neill?"
"Why would the colonel ask me about my love life?" Sam asked completely avoiding the question.
"That's not what I meant, Samantha Carter."
"It wasn't?" Sam replied knowing full well what Janet meant.
"I meant..." Janet started; spelling it out clearly to her friend so there could be no misinterpretation.
"I know what you meant Janet, you don't have to explain."
"Well?"
Before Sam had the chance to answer the doorbell rang. Getting up from the table, Janet groaned in silent protest as she went to answer the door. Sam smiled inwardly, "Saved by the bell."
Janet fumed silently at she strode purposely towards the front door annoyed that they had been interrupted. Angry thoughts mulled around in her mind, //It had better not be a sales man, or so help me I'll give them a piece of my mind// Sam's just starting to open up and I'm going to be severely ticked off if some bloke prattles on about some crappy brand new cleaning product.
Opening the door, she was surprised to see a tall grey haired man, standing there in jeans and a t-shirt; a baseball cap precariously positioned on the side of his head, carrying a box of chocolates and a bunch of flowers.
Just before Janet opened the door, Sam came out of the kitchen and had begun walking towards the living room, passing the front door as Janet opened it; ignoring whoever the caller was and settling herself down on the sofa.
Janet's face reflected complete surprise, "Colonel!"
"Hey Doc, I just stopped by to see how Carter was doing. Um...is she in?" Jack asked nervously, not sure if this was appropriate.
"Come in, sir. She's in the kitchen. We were just chatting."
"I didn't interrupt did I? I can always come back another time." Jack replied with uncertainty. If truth were known though, he probably would have rationalised everything and would've decided that this was a bad idea if Janet had asked him to come back later.
"No, sir. Your timing couldn't have been more perfect in fact." Janet replied her brown eyes twinkling.
"Oh, well that's good then...isn't it?"
Janet nodded; her smile becoming wider as she turned her back on him and led him through the corridor towards the kitchen, calling out to her friend, "Sam, you've got a visitor."
"I'm in the living room, Janet. Who is it?"
"It's me."
"Sir! Um...what are you doing here?" Regretting her question she continued, "Sorry, sir, I didn't mean that to come out as if I didn't want you here. I just wasn't expecting visitors."
"Did I come at a bad time?"
"No, no. I was just...um...never mind. Do you want a coffee?" Sam asked with slight nervousness. Getting up from the sofa, she noticed a bunch of flowers in his hand; a hint of a smile played on her lips at the sweetness of the gesture.
"Please. Oh by the way, these are for you." Jack replied shuffling his feet.
Sam smiled softly, bringing the flowers up to her nose, she inhaled deeply taking in the pleasant aroma of the bouquet, she loved flowers especially when they were bought for her. Her gaze moved towards the Colonel's face and she flashed him a smile, "Thank you, sir. You shouldn't have, but they're beautiful."
"You're welcome." Jack replied sincerely
Janet knowing that the two of them would probably want to talk advised them, "I'm just going out to get some milk. Does anyone want anything?"
Sam screwed her eyes up at her friend with suspicion, but decided not to say anything.
"No thanks Janet, see you later."
Jack shook his head, and followed Sam into the kitchen, taking a seat at the nearby table, as Sam retrieved the mugs from the cupboard.
"So, how are you?" Jack asked softly
"I'm fine thanks, sir." Sam lied, pouring the coffee. "How's work?"
"Fine."
"Good, so everything's..."
"Fine." "Fine." Both replied simultaneously, before an uncomfortable silence settled between them.
"Um, the reason I came to see you was, Janet said..."
"You want it in a mug or cup?"
"Mug, please."
"So, anyway, I came because..."
Quickly changing the subject, Sam asked, "You want milk or cream?"
"Milk, please. Um...as I was saying, Janet said that you were..."
"Sugar or sweetener?" Sam continued trying to hold off from answering his questions as much as possible.
"For crying out loud, Carter. Forget the coffee. Tell me what's going on?" Jack replied, his agitation increasing.
"Nothing's going on, sir. I'm just making coffee." Sam answered sweetly, too sweetly; even to her own ears, she noticed how sickly it sounded.
"Now I know something's going on. You want to talk about it? Does it have to do with you coming to see me a few days ago? I know you tried to tell me something on the base." Jack replied awkwardly shifting in his seat. At this moment he didn't know what to think. He'd never seen Sam this nervous before. It was clear though that she wasn't going to bring up the conversation anytime soon, and it was at that point he knew he'd have to do it.
Watching her come over to him, he watched as she placed the coffee near his hands, but her eyes never met his. Pulling up a chair she sat opposite, cradling her coffee as if it were a lifeline.
"So?"
"So."
"Is this how it's going to be from now on? You and me speaking in single word sentences?" Jack asked looking directly at her, hoping that she would meet his gaze, so that he could read her better.
"No, of course not." Sam replied with a slight edge to her voice.
"Good. So you mind telling me what's going on in that head of yours?"
"What has Janet told you?" Sam asked cagily.
"Never mind what the Doc's told me. I want you to tell me." Jack retorted trying to hold on to his temper.
Sam closed her eyes in silent protest, she wished Janet were here. One thing she knew for certain was, she wasn't ready to tell him how she felt. Ultimately he'd told her that he'd never ask her to resign from the Air Force, so what would be the point of her telling him...there wasn't one.
"The reason I came to see you was to thank you."
"Thank me? What for?"
"You helped me while I was on the Prometheus, made me realise a few things."
"What? What are you talking about? I wasn't on board the Prometheus."
"Not you, sir. It was a hallucination."
"Ah...I see." Jack stated slowly.
"Really?" Sam asked in surprise, hell, she never expected it to be easy.
"NO!" Jack answered shaking his head emphatically.
"No? Right, didn't think so. Um...well let's just say that I had a problem that I couldn't deal with by myself and you helped me find the solution." Sam replied cryptically.
"Really? Wow I'm good." Jack smiled.
Seeing her CO smile, made Sam smile in return; a little giggle escaped from her lips as she watched her CO's grin escalate into a beaming smile, his clear brown eyes twinkling. It was a good feeling; something that she hadn't felt in some time.
Turning serious once more, he asked gingerly, "That doesn't explain the nightmares though, does it?"
Sam looked down at the table, she really didn't want to talk to him about this stuff, but she also knew that he wouldn't drop it until she threw him a bone. "I wouldn't call them, nightmares, sir, they're just dreams that aren't very pleasant."
"That's just semantics, Carter."
"I know, I just feel weird talking to you about this, I mean you're my CO." She replied honestly, she owed him that much.
"I would hope I'm more than that, Sam." Jack replied using her first name to help ease the tension, she must've been feeling.
Her eyes broke away from the table and for the first time since they had started talking she finally met his gaze. For a few seconds, no words were necessary as his eyes revealed that he understood what she was going through.
Jack was torn between friendship and duty, he wanted her to know that she could tell him anything; they had been through so much. He couldn't imagine her not being able to talk to him honestly. Deep down though he also knew that their relationship went far beyond friendship, but it was something that they could never discuss, but one day he hoped he could let her into his heart so that she would know just what she meant to him.
Clearing his throat he continued, "So, what about these un-pleasant dreams?" Jack asked with a hint of a smile.
"It's not just when I'm asleep though, that's the problem."
"Oh." Was just about all he could muster, before sudden realisation came crashing down on his head. "Oh!"
"Indeed." Sam replied stoically, mimicking Teal'c.
"So what did Janet say?"
"Nothing." Sam replied quietly.
"Nothing? I don't believe that, she would've hauled your ass..."
"I haven't told her." Sam replied in earnest, protecting her best friends reputation.
"Why the hell not, Sam. Concussions are not something you want to mess with, believe me."
"I don't think it's the concussion." Sam told him nervously.
Jack got up from his seat and moved to sit next her, "Sam, did I ever tell you about the time I was held in an Iraqi prison?"
"No you didn't. You told me that your parachute had failed and that you'd hurt yourself badly." Sam recalled, remembering their time in Antarctica.
"Yeah, well there were a few things I didn't tell you."
Sam turned her body round so that they were face to face, it wasn't often that they shared their innermost thoughts or backgrounds, and she felt privileged that he would share his darkened past with her, and it proved just how much he trusted her.
"After my chute failed I was injured quite badly. I don't remember how long it was before I was captured, it could have been hours or days... Anyway, I sustained a bad head wound and kept drifting out of consciousness."
Sam nodded in understanding, her eyes never leaving his face. Watching the tension in his body caused her heart to go out to him and she knew that this wasn't easy for him.
"When they captured me, they tortured me; used devices to gain information about our location and stuff. I remember willing myself to stay awake. I thought that if I fell asleep I'd die."
Sam took a shaky breath, everything he was saying sounded so familiar, and she'd never felt as close to him as she did then.
"After a while I started to hallucinate. People I knew, my friends and family kept coming to me and talking to me, and I swear they seemed as real as anyone flesh and blood person. Know what I mean?"
Sam nodded emphatically recalling how life like all her friends was to her.
"Well this went on for a few days, I thought I was losing my mind. Even after I was rescued and for days after I got out of the hospital, I swear I could still see them. Sometimes it would be just out of the corner of my eye or I would just hear soft whispers."
"How long before they went away?" Sam asked quietly.
"A few weeks. It took me a while to tell the docs about it, but you know what?"
"What?"
"He told me that it was normal to experience something like that, it's the bodies own defence mechanism apparently. It'll take time for you adjust, Sam, but I promise you it will get better. You just have to remember that you don't have to do everything on your own. Let us help you, talk to us."
"I thought you would all think I'd lost my mind."
Smiling, Jack replied, "No more than the rest of us. So, you going to have a chat with the doc when she gets back?"
"I think I will." Sam answered confidently, standing up to put the dishes in the sink.
"Good." Looking down at his watch, he couldn't believe how long they'd talked. "Listen, I'm going to head off. Will you be okay till the doc gets back?"
"I'll be fine."
"See you in work next week?" Jack asked hopefully
"If I can escape Janet's evil clutches." Sam replied in jest.
Jack smiled, remembering their conversation in the hall of the SGC. As he was leaving, he rubbed her back for a couple of seconds, it wasn't a big gesture, but it served its purpose. "You'll be fine."
Sam smiled in response. Opening the door, she watched as he began walking towards the car. Waiting until she couldn't see him anymore, she finally closed the door. Leaning against it, she felt a slight pressure push her forward, and moved out of the way.
"Hey, Sam. Has the colonel just left?"
"You know he has, I bet you stood in the bushes and watched him go."
"No, I sat in my car and watched him go." Janet smiled mischievously. "So, hon, you feel better? Did you tell him anything?"
"Some, but not everything. I will though, I promise, but when it's the right time."
"How will you know?"
"I'll know."
"Fair enough." Janet replied pulling her friend into a hug. "You want to continue our chat tomorrow?"
Nodding affirmatively against her friends shoulder, she felt like she'd run the gauntlet with her emotions. It had been a long and tiring day and Sam felt as if she were ready to hit the sack. "Thanks, Janet, for everything. You're my best friend and I don't know what I'd do without you. Now though I've got to get some sleep."
"You're welcome hon, anytime." Janet replied warmly. "Sweet dreams."
"Fingers crossed." Sam answered taking herself off to bed.
End of chapter 3
"What about the little girl?"
"Tell me about her, what was she like?"
Getting up to grab herself another cup of coffee, she continued, "She was strange, she kept singing this nursery rhyme, 'Twinkle, Twinkle, little star' and every time I saw her, she kept talking in riddles - confused the hell out of me. I didn't have a clue about what they meant."
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