Hallucinations and Realisations Chapter 2
Hallucinations and Realisations Chapter 2
by Scully
Summary: Sam has to cope with the aftermath of Grace, and will Jack risk losing her again? This series will follow from Grace to The Lost City.
Category: Series
Episode Related: 713 GRACE, 714 FALLOUT, 715 CHIMERA, 716 DEATH KNELL, 717 HEROES Part 1, 718 HEROES Part 2, 719 RESURRECTION, 720 INAUGURATION, 721 LOST CITY Part 1, 722 LOST CITY Part 2
Season: any Season
Pairing: Jack/Sam
Rating: PG
Warnings: none
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author(s).
Archived on: 02/02/04
Spoilers: Window of Opportunity and generally S7.
Rating: PG
Stargate; Is it mine? Nah, didn't think so.
Chapter 2: Mixed Emotions
Waking up slowly, Sam felt disorientated and confused. She wasn't quite sure where she was, only that she hadn't found herself lying on a stone cold floor; something that had happened so many times over the last few days.
Placing her hands beside her, she felt the softness of the cotton sheets, and electrodes attached to her body, the soft hum of a monitor whirling beside her.
"Hey. Welcome back to the land of the living." A chirpy voice echoed coming towards her.
"Janet?" Sam queried croakily, her throat tasted like something out of the bottom of a birdcage.
"How are you feeling this morning?" Janet asked placing her hand on her friends' arm, while checking the monitors beside her.
"Um...a bit confused actually." Sam replied hoarsely raising her hand to her forehead in an effort to rub the ache that seemed intent on rearing its ugly head once more.
"I'm not surprised, Sam. You had us all worried there for a while. How does the head feel?"
"Like I have a little man playing hockey inside my brain." Sam replied in earnest rubbing the bridge of her nose.
Trying to sit herself up fully, she was unprepared for the wave of nausea that followed. Ungracefully she fell back against the pillows, taking steady breaths to stop the bile rising in her throat.
"What did I say about taking it easy? Sam, you sustained a grade 3 concussion. You know yourself what the after effects are. Nausea and headaches are just the mild symptoms. So, be a good patient and lie back down. I don't want you moving around too much at least not for another 24 hours"
Sam tried to open her mouth in protest, but unfortunately Janet wasn't having any of it. "Hon, don't even try and pull that Colonel O'Neill stunt on me. I am too well versed in all things 'sneaky'.
"I was just going to say..."
"Yes, well save it. Sweet-talking won't work with me. Besides, in a couple of hours you will probably get a rush of visitors, and they won't be impressed if you're too tired to speak to them. For 4 days they worked their asses of trying to get you back. So, the courteous thing you can do, is stay awake while they tell you about their efforts." Janet admonished softy, grateful just as much as the others that her friend was okay.
Rolling her eyes, Sam replied, "I know, it's just that for 4 days I was stuck on that ship alone, with only my imagination for company. I just want to be able to get back to normal."
Sitting on the bed beside her, Janet reached out for her hand. "I know what you must've gone through was rough..."
"You don't understand, Janet."
Janet looked at her questioningly, "What do you mean?"
"Never mind." Sam answered hurriedly; she knew that she could trust Janet with anything, but how could she tell her that her feelings for her CO were more than professional. She knew that Janet had an inkling about what her relationship was with the Colonel, but she'd never come out and actually asked her about it.
"Sam, I'm not just your doctor. I would hope after all these years you'd be able to tell me anything." Janet replied a little hurt that Sam felt she couldn't confide in her.
"I know that Janet and normally I would, but I can't talk to you about this."
"Sam..."
"Janet, please."
"Okay. I can't force you, Sam, but it's going to come out sooner or later."
Rubbing her eyes, she replied tiredly "I know. Right now though I just need to sort it out in my own head."
"All right, you know where I am if you need me. Try and get some sleep and I'll come see you later."
Nodding slightly, Sam slid down under the covers pondering about *how* she would deal with things, but for now, sleep was beckoning. Closing her eyes once more, a gentle child like singing played in her mind and she bolted upright. Her chest felt tight due to the unexpectedness of the tune.
Panic began seeping through at the thought that this shouldn't have been happening; she was home...wasn't she? Or was *this* another hallucination? Confusion began to mingle with nervousness; maybe this was someone playing mind games with her? All she knew was - it scared her. In response, her heart race increased dramatically causing the alarms on the monitors to activate. Janet rushed back in response, concern filtering through her eyes.
"Sam, what's wrong? Are you in pain?" Seeing the shock in her friends face and the pallor that accompanied it, she feared that her friend was hurting. "Sam! Talk to me."
Sam closed her eyes in effort to shake of the memory or the song, whichever worked. That damn song had plagued her for days and now even when she was back with reality it continued to haunt her. Part of her wondered if she was loosing her mind, the other half of her thought that there were still things she had to sort through, before she could move on with her life. Whatever it was she couldn't let Janet know, otherwise she'd never let her leave the infirmary.
"Sam!"
"Sorry Janet, I guess I moved to fast. It won't happen again." She lied.
Staring at her, she wasn't convinced that Sam was telling the truth, but she decided to let it go for the moment. "Something's going on inside that head of yours Samantha Carter and when I figure it out, you and I are going to have a long chat. Understand?"
"Yes, Janet." Sam replied monotone before manoeuvring herself back under the covers.
After Janet left, Sam closed her eyes and waited for sleep to come.
A couple of hours later Janet came to check on her, monitoring her vitals closely, her heart rate was still high, but not as before. Janet knew she was dreaming, and whatever it was about, she didn't think that they were pleasant judging by her friend's facial expression. Sighing deeply, she left her to sleep. At the moment it was the only thing she could do.
*******
Strolling down the light grey corridors of the SGC, Colonel Jack O'Neill walked casually towards the infirmary to see his favourite 2IC, who was back here safe and sound at the SGC and exactly where she should be. Cocking his head to one side, the thought stopped him momentarily putting him off his stride. He had no idea why he thought it, but it made him smile. He'd missed her techno-bable and the casual way she walked beside him on away missions, but most of all he'd missed her; all of her.
The job would be tedious and un-rewarding without her and if they hadn't found her in time, he had no misconceptions that he would've retired and spent the rest of his days looking for her...alone if necessary. A little voice inside his brain was saying, "Okay, Jack. Time to get things in perspective and put those thoughts out of your mind... she's home and she's safe. A dark thought kept creeping through his mind saying, "It could happen again" and he didn't know how he would cope a second time.
One thing was certain; he couldn't imagine his life without her. Quickening his pace slightly, he wasn't sure that he was in the right frame of mind to see her. His emotions were all over the place and he didn't doubt for one minute that hers weren't either. Hearing her say "Jack" last night had thrown him off balance. He didn't know what happened on board the Prometheus, but he sure as hell wasn't going to give up until he found out.
He knew she would have to write a report up soon enough, but he also knew from first hand experience that not 'everything' went into the official reports. Smiling at the memory, his thoughts took him back to the time Teal'c and him had time-looped; when he had held her in his arms and kissed her so passionately. The best thing about it was, she'd reciprocated; and he knew then, that she had felt the same way about him.
Snapping himself back to reality, he suddenly found himself at the infirmary doors. Walking in, the first thing he noticed was the quietness. There didn't seem to be the usual hustle and bustle like he had come to know, mind you, the only time his team were likely to catch him in here was either on a stretcher or visiting one of his team-mates; like now. Janet seemed to have her head in some medical file, which was probably Sam's and the nurses seemed to be doing some inventory in the corner of the room.
With only one bed occupied, he walked over to where she lay and thought for a moment she was reading on her side, but the closer he got, realisation hit him that she was still asleep. Quietly pulling up a chair so not to disturb her, he noticed the frown lines crease her forehead and it concerned him; he'd never known Carter to have nightmares, not that she would tell him. Sometimes though he wanted her to confide in him.
Every day at work they would lay their butts on the line for each other and he knew her intimately. How she thought, what her actions were likely to be in any given military situation, because he trusted her and she trusted him. It was only at times like these that he realised; there was a hell of a lot of things he didn't know about her and it saddened him.
Sitting here watching her sleep made him feel a bit awkward at first. If anyone came in and found him sitting beside her for the second time on the run, they might come to the wrong conclusions. //Oh what the hell do I care// he mused. //She's a member of my team and she's injured. No explanation necessary, he'd do it for any member of his team. The number of times Daniel had been injured and he had sat with him. Admittedly not through the night, but he had been there, it was why they were all close. It was an unspoken bond between them; it was the reasons why they looked out for each other. After 7 years of being with a team, you grew attachments and this was all this was; a professional attachment// and this is what he would tell himself over and over until it became believable.
Her once flawless face seemed filled with anguish as her eyelids moved rapidly, he assumed from entering REM sleep. Whatever she was dreaming, it wasn't happy. Her legs moved restless under the covers, as her agitation seemed to grow increasingly by the minute. He hated seeing like this.
Silently he moved closer to her in an attempt to waken her from her bad dream, "Carter." He whispered gently. Still no response, he tried again, "Carter, you're having a bad dream. It's time to wake up."
Instead of soothing her, the sound of his voice seemed to increase her agitation. Looking round for one of the nurses, he'd noticed the only nurse on duty seemed to be in deep conversation with Doc Frasier in her office. "Great, just great!"
Seeing that she wasn't going to waken with subtle intervention he placed his hand on her arm, rubbing it gently to try and wake her, "Sam, come on. Time to come back to the land of the living." Rolling his eyes he realised it must be one hell of a dream. Raising his voice a notch he persisted, "Sam."
Within seconds, her eyes opened quickly and for split second her eyes reflected fear and sadness rolled into one.
"Sir." Sam responded shakily, "What...where...?"
"You were having a bad dream." Jack replied awkwardly.
Breathlessly she replied, "I was on the ship and you were there and..."
"...There's no place like home." Jack smiled trying to ease her panic. He really wanted to know *what* he was doing in her dreams, but he didn't like the fact that he was the cause of her pain. Trying to lighten the moment he continued, "Carter, I'm sorry that my imaginary self upset you in any way."
Sam didn't respond in the way he expected though and for a moment he thought she was about to cry, panicked by this he raised his arms up defensively, "Oh crap, Carter. I didn't mean to upset you."
Wiping her eyes, she replied, "It's not you, sir. It's just..."
"What?"
Taking a deep breath, she felt so tempted to tell him everything, but what would she say, "I love you, sir and I hate the fact that we can't be together?" It just wasn't something that she could just come out and say. Or should she tell him, that she felt as if he'd just let her go, without fighting for her?
Everything that had happened over the last few days had left her with mixed emotions and she wasn't used to having to face them...head on. For years she'd put her love life on hold for him, hoping that they could eventually be together. Hell she'd offered to give up her career for him...and he'd told her that, he'd never ask her to give up her career for him. So where did that leave her? Lost? Confused? Hurt...
"It's just this damn headache." Sam replied, smiling sadly, "It doesn't seem to want to leave me, that's all. I'm sorry if I worried you, sir." Sam lied, pushing her feelings towards the back of her mind.
"You want me to get the Doc?"
"No." Sam replied hurriedly, "Um...no thanks, sir. It'll pass." The last thing she wanted was for Janet to be asking questions.
"Well...um, okay, if you're sure. I'll let you get some rest for a bit then, unless you want me to stay?"
"I'd like that, sir, but..."
Replying quickly he said, "No sweat, Carter. That nail in the head thing really packs a punch, I'll let you rest up for a bit." Getting up from his seat, he felt the strongest urge to hold her hand and give it a quick squeeze, bit just like always, he resisted; instead tapping the bed slightly; his fingers just brushing hers for an instant, before he quickly pulled them away.
"Take it easy, Carter." Jack replied in earnest, giving her one last nervous smile before leaving.
Letting out a small groan she exhaled deeply, //Great Sam, just great. He's going to think your turning into a basket case// Sitting herself up gingerly, she had a compelling urge to escape the SGC for a while and hoped that Janet would be willing to let her rest at home. It had been nearly 48 hours since she had got back and she had no compelling desires to stay a minute longer than she had to.
Swinging her legs round so that they tangled off the side of the bed, she felt a wave of dizziness wash over her for a moment. Grabbing the handrails for support, she took a few deep breaths to settle her equilibrium. It would not be an effective way to get Janet to release her if she passed out there and then. Realising that she was still connected to the heart monitor, she looked around for sign of any nurses walking around; seeing that there weren't any she carefully peeled off the probes from the upper part of her chest and disconnected the probe from her finger. As soon as she felt confident to make the walk over to Janet's office, she tentatively placed her feet firmly on the floor, taking her hands off the side of the bed. Smiling at her small accomplishment she walked cautiously towards her friend's office and knocked on the door.
Janet's face told a thousand words; she was not happy! Before Sam had the chance to open her mouth, Janet placed her hands on her hips, "What are you doing out of bed? Did I not say 'Complete bed rest?' I swear to god, that you're turning into Colonel O'Neill. You never used to be this much trouble." Janet continued to rant, and whoa betide you if you tried to utter a sound while she was on a role.
Sam though just wanted out and at that moment didn't care how much of a back lashing she got, "Janet, I'm ready to go home. I feel fine. Please Janet, I can rest at home just as much as I can here on the base."
"You're telling me that you're fine? Not content with being an Astrophysicist, you went out and got your Doctors degree to?"
"Janet, please. I'm begging you. I'll be good as gold, I promise."
"Why the rush?"
"What?"
"Why do you want to leave the SGC so quickly? It would normally take an order from the Colonel to make you leave."
Sam really didn't have a good reason for wanting to go, she just couldn't face seeing 'him' again at the moment, and decided that she would allow her friend to know part of the reason. "I just need some time by myself, that's all. Things happened on the Prometheus and I need to sort out a few things...for myself."
"Sam, I'm worried about you. Sit down." Janet cajoled, noticing that her pallor was becoming whiter, the more they talked. Watching her friend closely, she realised that Sam was not going to be very forthcoming, but it was up to her to find out the reasons why her friend seemed determined to leave the base. "I'll tell you what, Sam. I'll let you leave the base..."
"Thank you, Janet. I promise I'll behave."
"Hang on a second Sam." Janet said as her friend went to get ready to leave. "There are conditions."
Sam knew this was coming; there were always conditions. Sitting back down she turned to face her friend, "Okay, I'm listening."
"Well as Cassie is away on a school trip for the next few days, I want you to come and stay with me. I have some leave due, and I can make sure you do as your told in the process."
"How long are we talking about?" Sam asked, realising that this would be the only way out.
"Three or four days, that's all I'm asking."
"Okay, but after that I'm going home."
"Good. Well my shift finishes in a few hours, so why don't you have quick nap or read for a bit and I'll shout you when I'm ready to leave."
"Can I go grab a shower?"
"You have 30 minutes. If you're not back by then, I'll be sending out the SF's, understood?"
"Yes mom!"
Leaving a smiling Doctor Frasier to get on with the mass paperwork that seemed to be getting as much as the Colonel's, Sam bid her goodbye and went to collect her things for a much welcomed shower.
Instead of walking towards the shower room as she'd planned, she found herself standing outside the office of her commanding officer. She didn't know why she'd gone to see him it wasn't as if she planned it, but here she was. Sam didn't know whether to knock on the door and let him know everything, or leave things as they were. Shifting from one foot to the other, her hand hovered slightly over the door preparing to knock. Then having seconds thoughts she quickly brought her hand down to her side, quietly berating herself for being such a coward.
Silently she kept telling herself to walk away, but she'd never walked away from anything in her life. Sam didn't know how long she'd been standing there when the door suddenly opened to reveal a very startled Jack O'Neill.
"Carter! What are you doing out of the infirmary?" Recovering his composure he continued with a grin, " Don't tell me, you've escaped the evil clutches of Doc Frasier? Tut tut, Carter, you're gonna be in trouble if she catches you."
Damn him for making her smile, Sam thought. "No, sir. She let me out for a few minutes to do some things."
"Oh right. So, you feeling better then?" Jack asked, but not quite convinced that she'd be honest with him.
" A bit, sir thanks. Um...about before, I didn't mean to sound as if I was pushing you away. It's just that..." Sam stumbled, trying to find the right words
"I know."
"You do?" Sam asked surprised
"Sure I know. Did you think I wouldn't?"
"I wasn't sure."
"Carter, believe me, I so know how you feel."
"You do?" Sam replied quickly, not believing her ears. Suddenly she felt as if her face was on fire, and she tried hard to control her breathing.
"Of course I know, I felt the same."
At this point Sam's brain started to become confused, and she'd thoroughly lost the thread of the conversation. She wasn't even sure that they were talking about the same thing anymore. Suddenly she became very tired, and the headache that had slowly abated early began to resurface with full force.
"Sir, I don't mean to sound 'dense', but what are you talking about?"
"Concussions. When I had a severe concussion a few months back, and I was a little testy for a while, but..." Seeing the lost look in her eyes, sudden realisation hit him that there were having completely different conversations. Hesitantly he asked her, "Isn't that what you were talking about?"
Before Sam had the chance to answer him, she heard footsteps rounding the corner, and an irate doctor came storming up to them, with hands on hips. "Ahem!"
Jack tried to maintain his composure, he knew that look, he'd seen it many times, especially when he'd gone against doctors' orders. Seeing the dejected look on his 2IC's face he whispered, "Don't worry, her barks worse than her bite, she's just worried about you."
Turning to face her, she felt like a kid who'd just been caught with her hand in the cookie jar, "Sorry, Janet. I was just saying goodbye to the Colonel. I wanted to let him know that I was staying with you for a few days."
"You did?" Jack queried making a face. Then seeing Sam's pleading looks he continued hurriedly, "Yes of course you did. Well, you two have a nice time. Carter, I hope you follow the docs advice, take things easy and I'll see you in a few days."
"A week!" Janet advised crossing her arms in front of her.
"A week?" Jack and Sam responded in unison, then looked at each other immediately after, a strange look passing between them.
The look didn't go unnoticed by the CMO and it was something she would be discussing in great detail with her friend over the next few days.
Jack recovered first, "A week!" Silently Jack hated the thought that he wouldn't see her for a week, she'd been lost for days and now he wouldn't see for a week! Remembering that he still had company, he put his thoughts and feelings to one side before finishing, "Well I'm sure we'll manage without you for a little while, Carter."
Seeing the questions and curiosity burning in his eyes as to why she had come to see him in the first place, she replied simply, "I'm sure you will, sir. Well, I um...I better get going then."
"Yeah, I'll...um, catch you later then?" Jack replied with uncertainty.
"Bye, sir." Sam said sadly.
With a slight wave of his hand, Jack watched as they disappeared around the corner. Returning back to his office, his first thoughts were, "What the hell was that all about?" Their whole conversation had been confusing; he'd thought she was talking about being testy with him in the infirmary.
Thinking about it now, he really didn't think that, that was what it was, and now he'd have to wait for a whole week to find out. //Mind you, you could always visit// Jack thought optimistically, bringing on happier thoughts.
End of Chapter 2.
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