I should have done it
I should have done it
by Archantel
Summary: Let's see, the part they didn't show in Lost City, when Sam visited. Right before Daniel shows up.
Category: Angst, Missing Scene/Epilogue, Romance
Episode Related: 721 Lost City
Season: any Season
Pairing: Jack/Sam
Rating: 13+
Warnings: none
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author(s).
Archived on: 2004-11-16
Disclaimer: Don't own it and don't claim to. So there! You can't sue me!
This ficlet decided to inhabit my brain today and hasn't let me go all day! I guess it's time for it to either pay rent or get the hell out. It's just an alternate/missing scene to the episode "Lost City" from season 7. There shouldn't be any major spoiler, hell, you probably already have a good idea of Jack's er...problem in that episode and if you don't, well, don't complain if this spoils it. So...this is set when Sam visited Jack, before Daniel and Teal'c show up and ruin what could have been.
CARTER: I should have done it.
O'NEILL: What? Stuck your head in that thing? Are you nuts? Carter. You're one of this country's natural resources. If not National treasures. It couldn't have gone down any other way. I just hope it's worth it.
CARTER : Even if we do find the Lost City. Even if we get there and find exactly what we're looking for to defend the planet....
O'NEILL: THAT ... would be worth it.
She closed her eyes tight, trying to swallow the painful knot in her throat. She wanted to shout at him, knock him unconscious for being so calm while she was in complete turmoil. I should have done it, she had said. She had meant it. She opened her eyes and met his. She could see his anxiety in his eyes as well as his affection. He knew what she was trying to tell him, that was why he kept interrupting her. She didn't know what else to say, what was important enough to be told to a man who was slowly dieing and knew it.
He saw the anguish in her eyes and desperately wanted to grab her and cuddle her. Comfort her fear for him, her fear of losing him. I should have done it, she had said. In his mind, it was the dumbest thing Carter had ever said. No one in their right mind would want to take his place. But then wasn't that exactly why he had done it? So that she wouldn't be the one? Then again, he hadn't been in his right mind since he had met Captain Sam Carter in the briefing room, oh so many years ago, before either of them knew what they were signing up for. Before either of them knew it would be the death of Jack O'Neill and that it would hurt her most.
She knew what she wanted to tell him. His words resonated inside her mind; You're one of this country's natural resources. If not National Treasures, the words made her heart beat painfully in her chest. National Treasure, only Colonel Jack O'Neill could say things like that, offhandedly, and have them be the sweetest things that she had ever dreamt of hearing. She looked away from his stare, her face feeling hot and freezing cold all at the same time. She wanted to tell him, but this sweetest of men wouldn't let her say it, protecting her career even when they were alone and he was dieing.
He put his bottle of beer to his lips and took a mouthful. He swallowed it painfully, the physical pain hiding for a moment the sharp, longing pain in his chest for the woman sitting by his side. He wanted to tell her that there was still a chance that somewhere in his brain there was a way for him to survive but he couldn't. He wasn't entirely in control; he had very little say on what would come out.
"Drink your beer." He told her, breaking the painful silence that had lasted a second and an eternity.
She stiffly drank, her body reacting to his words, her mind numbed by her need.
"God! I can't believe how selfish you are!" The words exploded out of her, low and harsher than anything she could have shouted at him. It took him entirely by surprise. A painful surprise, in those few words she had made him feel the depth of her own hurting.
"Excuse me?" he asked stupidly. She was clenching her bottle so hard her knuckles were turning white. She put the bottle down on the coffee table and turned to him, her eyes ablaze with hurt and anger.
"You said once that you would have rather died than lose me." Her eyes shone wetly but she didn't allow the tears to flow, "Why couldn't you let me make that same choice."
It was the first time either of them had mentioned the confession made three years before in that isolation room. They had promised each other that those words would never come out of that room. And now they had, and he knew she had thought of them as much as he had, had laid awake at night, staring at the ceiling the words echoing in her mind, I would rather die myself than lose Carter, I care about her, a lot more than I'm supposed to, like they echoed in his own mind.
She took a deep breath, her eyes once again tightly shut, trying to block out the other things trying to free themselves from the recesses where Sam had locked them away. Hurtful things, bitter things. Things she would regret ever saying, and worse, that he would feel guilty about. Suddenly, the built up pressure that was constricting her chest eased. She sighed.
"I'm sorry." She said quietly, smiling sweetly at him. Her eyes were still wet but she held herself in check, "I should leave, I really should."
"Sam," she looked up at him startled at his use of her nickname but mostly at the affectionate tone of his voice as he said it, "C'mere."
He pulled her into a gentle hug. She hugged him back, her face buried against his neck. It was a simple comfort. The simple warmth of the friendship they had shared through many battles. All they were allowed to give each other. He rubbed her back, over the coarse, jean jacket she was wearing.
After some time, she drew away from him, her arms remaining around his neck. They smiled at each other. Smiles full of sorrow for what could have been. Sam reached out with her hand and stroked Jack's cheek.
He didn't stop her. He looked deep into her eyes, wishing he had something to offer her better than a beer and a shoulder. She started to get closer, her eyes locked on his. He read her wanting in her light, blue eyes. He couldn't look away. She had almost bridged the gap between them when she delicately raised her eyebrow, asking for his permission. Her breath against his lips burned him to the core. It was all wrong and they both knew it. He nodded imperceptibly. He felt her lips touch his and his eyes closed slowly in response.
The dread she had been feeling as she had gotten close to Jack, close enough to kiss him, disappeared. She let herself be lost in the moment. In the sensuous way Jack's mouth moved, the soft sucking noises and his hands rubbing in small circles her back and neck. It was a soft, tentative kiss. The thundering, rush of their desire tempered by the warm, fuzzy caring, their need to protect each other. All too soon, he softly broke away.
He took a slow, deep breath, his eyes still closed, savoring the lingering warmth of her kiss and the taste of her in his mouth. He imprinted the memory of it in his mind, knowing that all too soon that wonderful moment of innocent sharing would be erased and replace with alien gibberish. He opened her eyes and looked at her face, her eyes remained closed for a little while, and when she opened them she looked at the floor. He wondered if she was embarrassed now and what he should say to her. She moved farther towards the other end of the couch.
She moved away from him, trying to make sense of her feelings. She liked the calm she felt during moments like these. The moments where the companionship and friendship took over and they weren't as guarded with each other. The dangerous moments.
"Sir, you better find a way to save your ass. It's an order." She half-mumbled, not looking at him.
"An order, major?" He smiled and she heard it, though she didn't see it.
"Yes, sir." She replied, now smiling slightly.
He grinned. Now he was in familiar territory. He could handle a cheeky Carter. He took a swig of his beer and watched her do the same. He looked at her, trying to engrave the memory of her movements so that when the time came, his brain would know to hold on and look for a way to survive. If only to see her stretch her arm out like that, to see her blonde hair falling over her forehead and her neck curve smoothly, her skin the color and softness of cream colored satin.
"Well then. Yes, ma'am!" He rewarded her with a sloppy salute. "We'll beat the odds, Carter. It's what we do." He sat back in the couch, his beer in right hand, the impossibility of his situation almost leaving him breathless. He looked back at her, the anxiety that had been with him ever since he had stuck his head in the Ancient head sucker knowing the Asgard wouldn't be there to help coming back to him.
She saw the worry that for a few moments had been erased and her own worry returned as well. But it wasn't the same. Somehow, she felt better, calmer. She loved him and he knew it. Even though the words remained to be said. If he didn't make it, at least he would know she had never stopped caring about him, that he was still her first choice. She needed to say the words though. She needed that much being out in the open before she could face his not being there. Maybe now he wouldn't interrupt her. He needed to hear those words as much, more, than she needed to say them.
"Sir, I..."
There was a sudden knock on the door. Jack didn't look away from Sam. What a time for the pizza delivery boy to show up! He was definitely not tipping him. Sam closed her eyes.
JACKSON: Hello!?
O'NEILL: In here.
JACKSON: Oh sorry, are we interrupting anything?
O'NEILL & CARTER: No...
O'NEILL: What are you doing here?
JACKSON: Oh we ... well it's ... it's a funny story actually. We , we, ah, were driving by and we , uh ... saw Sam's car in the driveway, and ... and ... uh ...
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