Forgive and Forget
Forgive and Forget
by Saz Ikal
Title: Forgive and Forget
Author: Saz Ikal
Email: sazikal@hotmail.com
Category: Angst, Drama, Romance
Season: any Season
Pairing: Sam/Jack
Rating: PG
Warnings: minor language
Summary: On Sam's Birthday Jack tries to tell her how he feels (on Daniel's advice) but ends up insulting her instead.
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author(s).
AUTHORS NOTES: Well i've been playing around with this one for a long time now and it's only due to the Yahoo SG-1 Workshop group that it's complete so this is dedicated to everyone there :) FEEDBACK: Yes Yes Yes. Please please please!
Forgive and Forget
Sam sighed and slammed the door to her locker shut. Today, it was her birthday. No one on base had said anything. Not one person. Fair enough, she hadn't brought it up, but she thought someone would've known. She had even hoped Jack would have known. She knew when his birthday was. But no. Even Janet seemed to have forgotten.
She walked towards the gate room telling herself off for being so childish. After all, when it came down to it, a birthday was just another day. She entered the control room and winced as a blast shot out from the weapon they had discovered on P9x-020. It was a modified form of a glider cannon, but it had some key alterations that made it something entirely different, although they weren't sure what. Teal'c stood by it now, carefully adjusting the dials and switches on the underside as she approached him.
"Hey Teal'c," she said with a friendly smile
"Major Carter," he greeted with a tilt of his head. No mention of the day she thought inwardly, but then he is preoccupied, she added, shielding her eyes from the next blast.
"Do you have any idea what it is yet?" she asked.
"Indeed I have several Major Carter. I will, however, need several more before I can operate it effectively."
Sam smiled and nodded, taking a step back to give him some distance. From personal experience she knew some problems were best solved without help. Other than herself and Teal'c, the gate room was empty except for a few technicians. She took a file folder from one of them and began examining the test results so far. She didn't notice Daniel smiling down at them from the briefing room window.
Jack walked into the control room to see Daniel looking down at Sam in the control room with a faint smile on his face. He was just watching her, like Jack had caught himself doing many a time. However, this was Daniel looking at her. And it bothered Jack. It had been bothering him for some time now. Every time he walked passed one of their labs and the two of them together, laughing at something or discussing a recent find. Every time he wondered if they could be more than friends. So now ever so causally he approached Daniel.
"Daniel," Jack said, stopping besides him.
"Jack," he greeted, glancing at him with no sign of embarrassment.
"All go for Sam's party?" he asked. Daniel and Janet had been busy for two weeks planning Sam's surprise birthday party. It was set for tonight at her place.
"Yeah. Janet got the key yesterday."
"That's good."
"Yep," he said then glanced at Jack again, "You coming?"
"Yeah. After we get off right?"
"Yeah,"
"A lot of her friends coming?"
"Well, actually...people she knows anyway."
"You're her friend right," Jack asked. Daniel frowned confused
"Yeah," he said slowly. You never could tell where one of Jack O'Neill's conversations were going.
"I mean, more than friends. You're close."
"Yeah, we're close," he said slowly then after a pause "Why?"
"No reason. It's good."
"That we're friends?"
"That you're more than friends. She deserves to have people who are more than friends."
"I guess," Daniel said with a frown, unsure of what Jack had just said.
"Well I'm happy for you both."
"Us both?" Daniel repeated with a confused shake of his head
"You and Sam.
"Me and S.." he stopped before he finished the sentence, eyes widening. "You don't... I... I mean you didn't just...What did you just ask me?"
"You know, it's ok Daniel. It's great. Really"
"I...me and Sam?" he repeated incredulously.
"Yeah, well..."
"Jack, me and Sam...we're not....I don't.... she's like a sister."
"You love her?"
"Like, like a sister," Daniel said quickly. He opened his mouth to speak then closed it, his hands waving up and down as he gestured through the window at Sam. "She's pretty, I mean... not that I think... don't you think she's...well, attractive?"
"Of course I do Daniel," he muttered, "I'm not blind."
"I'm...I... Sam's great but...I love Sha're, Jack.
"I know that."
"Other people, other...guys. They....they'd like her.
"I know," Jack said with a frustrated sigh looking away.
"I mean...I hear... she's considered hot."
"I know Daniel!" Jack snapped, harsher than he intended. Daniel looked back at him sadly
"Do you?" Daniel asked quietly. He'd calmed down, the initial surprise had faded. Jack didn't answer and he sighed. "Then tell her Jack. Just tell her."
"It's not that easy."
"The regulations," Daniel stated with a sigh. He turned and looked back through the window at Sam, but his mind on another woman. "Jack, I know what its like to lose someone you love..." he trailed off for a moment and swallowed before turning back to face Jack. "I lost Sha're and...." he paused to swallow, this eyes still on Sam "I will always blame myself for that," he stopped again, struggling with the words as he tried to get his point across. "If something happened to Sam... and you never told her ... imagine how you'd feel." Jack closed his eyes for a second and silence fell between them as he considered it. Jack shook his head as he looked back at Sam.
"Even in normal circumstances, work and romance..."
"We don't live in normal circumstances," Daniel said calmly.
"Which is exactly the point Daniel. We have a duty to protect this planet."
"A relationship won't stop that."
"Maybe not in normal circumstances Daniel, but the decisions we have to make...." Jack trailed off and shook his head.
"It's because we don't live in normal circumstances that you have to take this chance Jack. What are the chances of us finding someone who can deal with the stuff we deal with?"
Jack turned away from him and looked through the glass as he watched Sam leave chatting to an airman. "Jack," Daniel said with a sigh pushing his glasses up his nose. "If you love her, and I know you do... tell her."
"Sam, I... can't err, keep on... living like this," Jack said bluntly. He figured bluntness was a good way to go. He had said it quickly before he had a chance to change his mind or go off on some unrelated subject.
"Like what?" she asked, completely baffled. She could figure out advanced pieces of alien technology, but Jack O'Neill was something else entirely. He had simply arrived in her lab stood in front of her and started the conversation there. She, however, had no idea what the conversation was about.
"Like this. One minute you're looking at me like...like you care for me, the next minute you act like you'd rather be somewhere else. Anywhere else! You've got my heart on a string and you tug it every so often," Jack said. As he said it he realised it had sounded a lot better in his head.
"I can't believe you just said that!" she whispered
It was intended to show her how much she meant to him but it kind of came out as attacking her. Sam did not look happy. In fact she was scowling.
"Me! What about you?! I...How could even think that! I'm the cruel one playing with your heart, I'm the one who hurts you, makes you want cry. You're complaining because I'm keeping the distance. Well it's my job SIR. It's regulations!"
"Screw the regs!"
"Screw the regs," she echoed. "It's so easy for you to say that isn't it. Well Jack, my career matters to me. It's my life. I want to be part of the SGC. I need to be part of it. So you go ahead, screw the regs, screw Kynthia, Laira and Anise too."
"Sam!"
"Yeah, I heard about that!"
"But I..."
"Meanwhile, I'll carry on trying not to love you. Trying not to be crushed every time you do something like shacking up with some woman. Do you have any idea how humiliating it is, that everyone feels sorry for 'poor little Sam, in love with her CO.'? And you think you make it all better with a smile, a joke or using my first name. Well you can't Jack! You just can't."
Sam stormed out of her lab leaving a stunned Jack behind her as she headed for the elevator. He hadn't been expecting such an outburst. To be honest, neither had she. She punched the top-level button and waited impatiently as the car rose to the surface.
After signing out, which took far too long, she marched across the car park to her car, flinging her bag in the back and slamming the door as she turned the ignition. She pressed her foot down on the gas, driving out and onto the road far faster than usual. Within seconds her speed was increasing more.
She saw the sign for the highway and turned onto it. She didn't even need to be on the highway to get home, but she didn't know where she was going, she didn't care. A man doing the limit shook his head at her as Sam roared past her and Sam just glared at her in the mirror. God damn slow drivers. God damn males! God damn him! How dare he?! How flippin' dare he say that to her! She passed a direction sign and realised she wasn't far from her gym. That's what she needed: a good hour acquainting herself with a punching bag.
Half hour later Sam felt a tap on her shoulder. She panted as she wheeled round ready to punch whoever or whatever had decided to interrupt her.
"I...err...I think you're cell is ringing," he said before hurrying off, obviously not liking the look on her face.
It was only now, as Sam made her way over to her bag, that she realised she'd left the base early. Not much, but still early. Which would make anyone who knew her worried as hell. Probably Janet, she thought as she picked up the phone and regained some of her composure.
"Hello?" she said, wiping her forehead with the back of her hand.
"Sam it's me," Daniel said. He seemed slightly distracted, like he was writing at the same time.
"Daniel, hi! What's up?" she asked with forced cheerfulness. She hoped he wouldn't notice. She should've known better.
"What's wrong?" he asked immediately. She thought she heard a pen drop.
"Nothing. I'm fine, really."
"Sam, you'd say you were fine if you'd just broke your arm."
"I haven't broken my arm Daniel," she said forcefully. "I'm fine."
"Ok well listen, I know a secret of yours."
Sam stopped mid-stretch. Had Daniel overheard the argument with Jack?
"What's that?" she asked attempting a causal tone.
"That it's your birthday," he said simply, stopping her in her tracks. He knew! Why didn't he say anything today then?! Why didn't...
"How did you find out?" she asked instead.
"I'm an archaeologist. I dig a little deeper than most people," he said, and she could hear the smile on his voice.
"So, are you headed home?"
"Yeah, why?" she lied.
"Janet and I are going to pick you up in about an hour."
"I don't..."
"No excuses. See you then."
Sam hung up, annoyed. She was slightly relieved that her friends hadn't forgotten her birthday, but she was more annoyed with them for organising her life. With a low growl she threw her towel into her bag and zipped it shut harshly as she stormed out of the gym.
Daniel put the phone down and smiled at Janet. "She's on her way."
Sam pulled into her driveway and sat in the car for a long minute. All the anger from before had drained out of her and left her with nothing. She didn't want to get out of the car. She didn't want to move. However she eventually persuaded herself to climb out of the car.
~ "Sam, I can't keep on living like this" ~ Echoed in her mind
She shut the car door and locked it, shaking her head.
~ "Like what?" ~
She slowly walked up the steps to her porch and began searching her bag for the front door keys.
~ "Like this. One minute you're looking at me like...like you care for me,"~
Finding them she quickly unlocked the door and stepped through.
~"The next minute you act like you'd rather be somewhere else. Anywhere else!" ~
Sam shut the door behind her, not bothering to turn on the lights. She was not thinking about this! It didn't matter to her.
~ "You've got my heart on a string and you tug it every so often." ~
Didn't matter one little bit.
She dropped her keys on the sideboard; she had about 20 minutes before they picked her up. All she really wanted was to just to go to bed and sleep. Sleep for a very long time.
~ "How could even think that! I'm the cruel one playing with your heart, I'm the one who hurts you, makes you want cry." ~
She approached the living room and a wave of dizziness swept over her.
~ "You're complaining because I'm keeping the distance. Well it's my job, SIR. It's regulations!" ~
She lent against the wall for support until it had passed. Then she found she couldn't move. The wall was so solid and firm. It wasn't going anywhere. It would always be there. She needed its support. She needed something. She wanted Jack.
~"I'll carry on trying not to love you. Trying not to be crushed every time you do something like shacking up with some woman." ~
"Jack..." Sam said but it came out as a sob. She squeezed her eyes shut but it didn't help.
~ "Do you have any idea how humiliating it is? That everyone feels sorry for 'poor little Sam, in love with her CO.'" ~
She never cried. She had kept it all bottled up inside her for so longer. After Jack came back from Edora, she hadn't cried, hadn't talked to anyone. Just got back to normal routine.
~ "So you go ahead, screw the regs, screw Kynthia, Laria and Anise too." ~
He'd hurt her to the core, but she hadn't let on to anyone. Even after the covert operation when he had treated them all harshly, she kept up the front. Had to be the strong military type.
~ "And you think you make it all better with a smile, a joke or using my first name. Well you can't Jack! You just can't." ~
But he could. He really could. She lent her back against the wall and slid down to the floor sobbing. Once she started she couldn't stop. She let all the sadness, hurt and loneliness take over completely as her walls broke down with her tears.
Daniel closed his eyes and reopened them as he heard Sam's sobs continue. He looked over at Janet who was crouched behind the sofa with Cassie. Their eyes locked, both feeling the same about the situation. It was bad enough Jack had forgotten the party, but what had he done now?! Janet shrugged desperately, indicating she didn't know what to do either. They both knew that if Sam came into the living room, the lights and music would instantly be turned on as instructed and they didn't know how Sam would react to it. As they listened the sobs lessened and they heard Sam trying to take control of her breathing again. She muttered under her breath as she climbed to her feet, probably cursing Jack's name.
Suddenly the lights switched on in the room and about a dozen people jumped out from their hiding places yelling "Surprise!" the gentle tune of "Happy Birthday" was now playing happily in the background as Sam looked round the room of people. To her credit, Sam maintained her composure for several seconds. She even started to smile but her emotions overwhelmed her and she burst into tears.
With a sobbed "I'm sorry" she fled the room to her bedroom, shutting the door behind her. Everyone in the room stood there, slightly stunned and not knowing what to do next, with the "Happy Birthday" tune still playing happily in the background.
Everyone was silent for a moment before Janet rushed out of the room after her. Daniel restrained himself from doing the same, knowing Sam didn't need too many people right now.
"Turn that damn song off!" Daniel muttered to Teal'c who obediently walked over to it and switched it off, then turned to look at him expectantly. Daniel sighed; from the looks of it he was the one who was going to have to have to sort this out. He cleared his throat trying to push all feelings of anger towards Jack and sympathy for Sam out of his mind so he could get on with what had to be done. "Okay, sorry folks but it doesn't look as if there's gonna be a party tonight. You're all Sam's friends so I'm sure you'll respect her by not mentioning this to anyone."
Meanwhile Janet had gently knocked on the door.
"Sam?"
There was no answer.
"Sam? It's me."
"I...Janet, I can't talk to anyone right now," an unsteady voice answered.
"That's ok. It's just me. Can come in?"
Again, there was silence from the other side.
"Sam?"
"It's open."
Feeling a little silly Janet scolded herself for not trying the door first and opened the door slowly. Sam sat on the edge of her bed with her back to the door, staring at her hands.
"I'm sorry Janet. I'm sure you went to a lot of trouble for the whole party thing..." "Don't even worry about it." Janet said slowly walking around to face her. She knelt in front of her and looked up at her swollen eyes and puffed face. "Oh sweetie you look terrible."
This gained a half smile "Thanks."
"Come here," Janet said gently, sliding onto the bed and pulling her into an embrace. Sam went leant into freely as a tear made its way down her cheek.
"What's wrong with me, Janet?" she whispered, her voice shaking. "How can he do this to me?"
"Let it out Sam," Janet whispered, pulling her closer "Let it out."
Daniel slowly opened the door and peeked inside, not knowing whether he should disturb them. He looked in and saw Janet sitting on the bed; Sam curled up beside her, asleep. Janet looked up as she felt Daniel's eyes on her and smiled at him.
"You ok?" he whispered taking another step into the room
"Me, yeah I'm fine. Glad she's finally getting some sleep."
"Yeah." Daniel muttered looking at Sam's sleeping form. "I've gotta go somewhere, are you ok here for a while?"
"Yeah I'll be fine."
"Ok, I'll see you in a few hours," Daniel said making a move towards the door.
"Daniel..." Janet stopped him "Are you going to Jack's?"
"Yes," he answered, his voice neutral
"What are you going to do?"
"I'm just...I'm just gonna talk to him."
"Good. I think Sam has a baseball bat behind the door."
Daniel looked up in surprise at her. He could see she was joking but also that she wanted to get to the bottom of whatever was going on. Daniel gave her a small smile and nodded as he left the room.
Jack opened the door to find Daniel facing him, and not with a friendly expression either.
"Hey Danny. What are you doing here?" Jack asked.
"What am I doing here?" he echoed with a shake of his head, pushing past into the house.Surprised, Jack shut the door and turned round to face him.
"What's up? Shouldn't you be at Sam's party?"
"Shouldn't you?" Daniel countered and Jack's expression fell
"I didn't think she'd want to see me," he said dropping into a chair
"Or maybe you didn't want to see her."
"No. That's not it." Jack answered firmly. Daniel watched him for a moment then sat opposite him.
"What did you say to Sam today?" Daniel said, trying a different route. Jack fingered his beer bottle.
"It's between me and Sam."
"Jack... what happened?"
"It's got nothing to do with you."
"Nothing to do with me," Daniel said slowly, shaking his head. "If you keep... if you keep treating people like...like the way you do Jack. With no consideration. If you...nobody is gonna try Jack. Nobody...you'll just keep pushing people away... hurting them every time...you'll...you'll be alone."
"Maybe it's better to be alone."
"No," Daniel said "No, alone is...lonely. What happened?"
There was a long moment where neither of them said anything. Daniel's words still hanging in the air.
"We had an argument," Jack said gruffly pulling at the edge of the peeling label of his beer bottle. "She got upset when I said she was playing with my heart."
For a moment Daniel's mouth just seized to operate. He was at a complete loss for words.
"Why?" he managed eventually. Jack looked up at him, shrugged and then looked back at the beer label he was trying to peel off the bottle.
"It was supposed to show her how much she means to me."
"How much she means... What exactly did you say?"
"Oh, something about her having my heart on a string..." he mumbled pulling off the last of the beer label as he tried to ignore Daniel who closed his eyes.
"Jack," Daniel said eventually, with a soft shake of his head. "I know it's not easy for you...dealing with feelings and...stuff. But you have to think before you open your mouth," his voice was quiet and very calm.
"I just did what you told me to do."
"What I... I told to tell her how you feel... you... I...." realising he was waving his arms around Daniel stood with a frustrated sigh.
"She came home crying, Jack. Crying because of you."
"Crying?" Jack winced crunching up the label in his fist
"Yes," Daniel nodded, slowly heading for the door.
"Daniel, I'm sorry, I..."
"I don't know if sorry is going to cut it this time Jack," Daniel said quietly. Then added a pointed look, "but it's not me you should be apologising to."
Sam woke up in her bed, covered by a blanket. She curled her legs up towards her with absolutely no motivation to move, but knowing she had to. She wondered if everyone had gone home. They had remembered it was her birthday after all. Everybody had. Everyone except...
No. She wasn't going to let him get to her. She sat up and rubbed her face, urging herself on.
Sam walked into her living room to find Janet asleep on the sofa. She touched her arm and Janet jolted awake.
"Hey, you're up. Sorry I dosed off. Are you ok?" Janet said, immediately getting up.
"I'm fine," Sam said with a small smile. "It's gone midnight. You should get home."
"I don't want you to be alone on your birthday. I'm not going anywhere."
"So you're just gonna sleep on my sofa?"
"Do you object?"
"You've got Cassie at home?"
"Teal'c took her. I'm here for you now, Sam."
"I know. You always are. But you can be here for me from the end of a phone, ok?"
Janet hesitated, unsure of how to deal with it.
"Look Janet, thank you for the gesture, but there's really no point. I'm going back to bed now anyway." Sam said, taking advantage of Janet's hesitation. Janet looked at her for a long moment.
"I guess you're right. Are sure you're ok?"
"I'll be fine."
Janet picked up her bag and Sam walked with her to the door.
"Janet..." she said as she stepped out onto the porch.
"Yeah?"
"Thanks for tonight."
"Hey, what are friends for?" Janet smiled, touching her on the arm. Sam smiled weakly back.
"See you tomorrow." Janet said turning and heading to her car.
"Yeah," Sam whispered, closing the door.
Jack threw the bottle in the bin and stared at it. Should he have gone to the damn party? No. No, he was sure of that at least.
Daniel's words echoed in his mind 'Or maybe you didn't want to see her'. It wasn't true.
Crying? he thought, closing his eyes. Her face earlier today in the lab flashed in his mind. She'd been angry, yes. But upset, crying? He'd made the strongest woman he knew cry.
Daniel had been mild calling him a bastard. He'd really screwed up this time and he knew it. Formations, tactics- those he could handle but when it came to emotions and expressing himself...lots of badness. But it wasn't just this, a little voice in his told him. it was everything he'd done, the way he'd treated her over the years....God! How had he managed to do this? To hurt her so badly?
I'll go and see her tomorrow, he decided. I'll tell her what I should have said today and hope like hell she forgives me.
Sam opened her eyes the next morning and felt pretty much the same as she had the night before. Like shit
The thought of going into work and seeing him was not inspiring. In fact it made her want to sink even deeper into her. Everyday it was getting harder to smile and pretend things were fine. After what had gone down yesterday.... No. She couldn't do it. Not today.
She loved him so much and yet hated him for what he could do to her. She tried to fight the way she felt. It didn't work. Instead, she just had to hide her feelings, and everyday it took a little more out of her.
Sam sighed and rolled over, pulling the covers tighter. She was such a sucker for his eyes; one smile would make her feel so warm inside. It was so hard to think about things she should be thinking about when he was standing close to her.
The phone rang and she looked at it suspiciously. It could be Janet or Daniel or anyone. But it could be Jack. One the 4th ring she reached over to it. If it was Jack she'd hang up.
"Hello?"
"Major Carter. It is Teal'c," came from the other end. Sam gave a small smile, she could just picture him standing there with the telephone. As far as she knew this was the first time he had used it.
"Hi Teal'c, I know I'm running a little late..."
"It is for that reason that I am 'ringing' you," Teal'c continued, carefully pronouncing 'ringing'. Daniel Jackson and I have informed General Hammond you are unwell. He was extremely willing to grant you a day off."
"I, um...yeah. I mean...thanks," she said. It wasn't that she wasn't grateful. She could do with a day off, but the annoyance from yesterday concerning the fact that her friends were organising her life returned.
"You are most welcome Major Carter. Daniel Jackson wishes to speak with you."
"Ok."
"I will pass the telephone to him," Teal'c added and she heard the rustle in the background then Daniel's voice.
"Hey Sam, how you feeling?" he asked and she felt her anger flare up but dismissed it. They were just concerned and trying to help.
"I'm fine, really."
"Hmm that's what you said yesterday," he said with a sad smile.
'What, did you record it' she snapped inside her head, but said nothing.
"Anyway, we just thought you might want a few days rest."
"I'll be in tomorrow," she said quickly.
"Ok, if you're sure," he said worriedly, and Sam felt guilty for being so hard on him.
"Daniel...I just wanted to say thanks."
"Oh it was nothing. Hammond says we've clocked up weeks of downtime," he laughed.
"No I mean for everything. Last night, the party..."
"Don't mention it."
Sam was silent for a second, thinking of the various ways she could take that last comment.
"See you soon Daniel," she said finally.
"Yeah ok. Get some rest."
She hung up the phone and continued to stare at the smooth receiver.
Later that day, a knock on the door drew Sam's attention. With a sigh she got up and walked to the door. She really wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone right now. She had gotten up eventually and thrown on her favourite pair of jeans and a warm sweater. She'd spent most of the day eating ice cream and watching daytime TV. Her dad would have accused her of acting like a kid.
She opened the door to find Jack standing there with chocolates in his hand.
"I come bearing gifts," he said, offering the chocolates.
She folded her arms across her chest.
"So did the Greeks," she answered without a trace of humour in her voice.
He looked down at the chocolates in his hand, sighed and dropped his arm.
"It's pretty lame I know," he sighed, looking at the ground. There was a moment of silence. Sam looked at him, a million emotions going through her head. She was pissed with him yes; he had hurt her, again, yes. But when it came down to the bottom line, she loved him.
"I'll take the chocolates," Sam said quietly.
He looked up, surprised, and gave the chocolates to her.
"You can come in," she said and turned, leaving the door open for him to follow.
He followed her into the living room, but didn't sit down as she did, instead just shoved his hands into his pockets as she sat down.
Jack looked around the room and his eyes fell on a pot of ice cream. Sam had once told him it was self-indulgent food - when she was upset she ate it. The bigger the tub the more upset she was. This was a pretty big tub.
"Sam, I don't know what to do, how to fix this," he said honestly.
She made no response. Nothing to even acknowledge she heard him. She sat with her hands folded, her gaze fixed to a spot on the floor. Taking his hands out of his pockets her walked over crouched in front of her.
"I do know it's my fault. And I guess I can start by saying I'm sorry."
"That only works if you mean it," Sam muttered, still not looking at him.
"I do mean it. I'm so sorry Sam."
He sighed and looked down at her hands. He gently picked them up and began tracing patterns in her palm as he tried to find the right words. She didn't object, just watched him.
"I always say or do the wrong thing, at the wrong time, or wrong moment," he said.
"It seems like the ones we love the most are the ones we hurt the most." He stopped tracing patterns and cupped her hands with his own as he looked up at her. For the first time since he started talking, she looked back.
"I shouldn't have said what I did," he said simply. "I didn't mean it the way it came out."
"What did you mean?" she asked with a shaky breath. Jack reminded himself to speak from the heart and took a deep breath.
"I was trying to say how much you mean to me. How you can effect my whole day with just a smile."
"I don't..."
"And I was trying to ask for a chance with you. A chance to see if it could work. If we could work. I don't deserve it, I know that. But I'm asking for one anyway. I would never intentionally to hurt you Sam."
She looked down at his hands holding hers and sighed.
"I know. But you do hurt me, Jack. You do. And it's not that I don't care about you, I do. That's why it's so easy for you to hurt me. I don't want to be hurt again Jack. I don't think I could take it. After Edora...."
"I swear Sam, I didn't think I was ever coming home. I just didn't think it was possible. I should have known that wouldn't stop you. I thought about the Tok'ra or Asgard but after a few months... I'm so sorry. If I had known I would have never...me and Laira..."
"Did you love her?" Sam interrupted quietly, not looking at him, almost fearing the answer.
"No," he answered without hesitation, to her relief. "I cared about her, but she could never compare to you. I thought about you every day. I know that's no excuse...nothing I can say now can justify what I did."
"It doesn't matter," Sam managed to say.
"Yes it does," Jack said with a sigh, standing up because his knees couldn't take anymore strain. He ran a hand through his dishevelled hair as he paced a little, trying to think what to say. Eventually he stopped in front of her and dropped his hands to his side along with his defences.
"I was a stupid idiot Sam, an inconsiderate bastard. And I've made mistakes, really big ones...I would do anything to take them back, but I can't. If you could find it in your heart to forgive me, I'll spend every waking hour trying to make you happy. As happy as you make me."
"Some things can't just be forgiven," she said, a tear sliding down her cheek. "No matter how sorry you are, or how many nice things you say or promises you make," Sam said.
"I don't know what else to say Sam. I...I love you."
"Don't say that," she whispered, another tear rolling down her cheek.
"Why not? It's true."
"The regs..."
"We'll find a way round them," he said, reaching up and touching her face.
"I need the SGC. SG-1," she said pulling away.
"Ok. I..."
"Don't say you don't need it too. I know you do."
"Sam... I love you."
"Love isn't always enough."
"Yes it is. Sam please," he broke off for a moment before remembering what Daniel had said to him yesterday. "We don't live in normal circumstances. I mean think about it what are the chances of us finding someone who could deal with the stuff we deal with? Even if we could tell them."
"What are you asking me?"
"Give us a chance Sam. Give us a chance at a relationship. Other than CO and 2IC."
"A relationship?" she echoed and closed her eyes. That's what she wanted. In a perfect world and in her dreams it was possible, but not in real life. She couldn't. She couldn't throw away everything she had ever worked so hard for in her life. She couldn't have it all.
"We can forget this. Forget yesterday and today. We can go on as normal."
Jack felt his heart lurch when he heard her words, realising what she was trying to do. He took a step towards her then stopped himself from going any closer. He went incredibly still as he reached out to her through his words, something he wasn't used to doing.
"No. We left it in the room before," he said, there was a quite desperation in his voice, begging her not to retreat back to how it was.
She closed her eyes trying to block out his quiet stillness and barely controlled desperation. But she couldn't. She couldn't block him or his words from her heart. "I can't go back to pretending. I won't," he said, a pained expression on his face. "I've said it now and I won't take it back. I love you."
"Please stop saying that."
"Why?"
"It makes it harder to forget."
"I don't want you to forget."
"Jack..."
"Look, we could keep it secret."
"People would know," she whispered.
"People already know!" he cried, throwing his hands in the air in frustration.
"Think of the number of regulations we'd be breaking," she said, almost to herself.
He watched her eyes, seeing the inner turmoil inside. She wasn't like him. He broke a regulation of some sort monthly. Every regulation except this one, and he knew why he never broke this one. Because this one effected her too. He understood that, and understood her issues with this. It would be deliberately breaking the rules.
"We've broken regulations before," he said eventually
"To save the world," she said drawing her attention back to his eyes.
"To eat steak," he countered.
"That was different," she said with almost a smile. It was just so typically him.
"How?"
"Those were exceptional circumstances. This would be continually," she said slowly Jack sighed and decided to take a different line of reasoning.
"Daniel, Teal'c, Janet...they'll support us. I know they will and Hammond won't report us. He hasn't yet and..."
"There hasn't been anything to report," she said forcefully as if trying to convince herself.
She wasn't looking at him now and Jack lifted his gaze to the kitchen. He let his eyes slid along the work surfaces and around the room, coming to rest on the photo of her and her dad on the fireplace. He had his back to her now, as he took a step towards the photo and picked it up, running a finger over the smooth glass surface.
"It's your life Sam," he said quietly, not turning around but feeling her eyes on his back "And you've got family, friends... a great job which like you said...is your life." he added placing the photo back and turning around. He looked defeated, hands stuffed in his pockets. "I've got no right to intrude or ask you to change it, to risk it."
"Jack..." she began but he waved a hand.
"It's ok, I'm gonna go now."
"Jack I don't want..." she said standing up but couldn't finish the sentence. She didn't know what she wanted.
"I'm gonna go because I didn't come here for this. I came here looking for forgiveness, for everything - which I'd be damn lucky to get. But Sam, please, would you just think about it?" he asked.
For a long moment stood absolutely still before she eventually nodded. It was the truth. Even if he hadn't asked her to think about it, she would have. She would think about this, and what she could have said or done, for weeks. He nodded and then quickly walked out of the room, as if to stop him from changing his mind. A few seconds after she heard the door close and she sank back down onto the sofa.
It was the next day and she was using her usual method of keeping her mind busy by throwing herself into her work to avoid thinking about him. It was working ok, so far her record for not thinking about Jack was a full half hour. Luckily, the mysteries getting this particular device were easy to become absorbed in. Also, Teal'c had arrived an hour ago to observe, help and occasionally ask for explanations.
She leant forward and inserted the piece of metal the other way round.
"Bingo!" she exclaimed with a satisfied grin as the device began to hum.
Teal'c raised an eyebrow in response.
Bingo.
He frowned, confused. From his research into Earth's culture he knew this was a game involving gambling. However he did not see the reference to this current situation. He frowned, again trying to identify it's meaning here before deciding to voice his confusion.
"Major Carter, I do not understand your use of the word 'bingo' in reference to this device. Is Bingo not a game?"
"Yes it is Teal'c but bingo is also a reference to success."
"I see."
Jack had stood in the doorway for a full minute before taking the further step into her lab. If it hadn't been for Teal'c's presence, he wasn't sure if he would have come in.
"Hi," he said not sure whether to call her Sam or Carter, so he opted for neither.
She looked up and swallowed. A second later she had a small smile on her face. A smile that didn't reach her eyes.
"Hey," she said.
He noted she didn't use a title either. Shit, what was he doing here? He'd already made her feel uncomfortable enough. He wanted to make this easier for her not harder. But he couldn't just go now, he'd just arrived.
Teal'c, who sat on a stool in the corner of the room, watched the exchange impassively. He'd been given instructions from both Daniel Jackson to observe any conversation and report back if anything of importance happened. Instructions that he was happy to carry out as there was not a great deal to do at the SGC. Of course, neither Sam or Jack knew of these instructions.
"So...busy?"
"Um, just working on this device."
"Oh. What is it?" he asked glancing at the device
"It's err...actually, I don't know what it is."
"Oh."
"It hums," she supplied.
"Yeah, yeah I noticed," he said looking at it. "You know what, I just remembered I've got some...err thing to do."
"Right," she said with a nod.
"So I'll...I'll just...go. See ya round."
"Yeah," Sam said and he was gone.
She leant back against her worktop and let out a long breath of air, almost forgetting Teal'c was there. Thankfully however, Teal'c was a very perceptive person and decided now would be a good time to leave.
"Major Carter, I thank you for your time. And the explanation of Bingo."
She smiled "You're welcome Teal'c."
"Janet, what should I do?" Sam asked an hour later. She sat on the end of one of the beds in the infirmary. On knee up against her chest, her arms encircling it with her other leg dangling over the edge.
"I think you already know the answer Sam."
"No. No I don't. I know what I would want...in different circumstances."
"Well that's the first step isn't it?"
"Direct defiance of regulations...I'd be looking at a court martial."
"When a woman wants her man..." Janet half sung.
"This is serious Janet."
"I know, and I'm giving you serious advice."
"Janet, you're giving advice based on song lyrics?"
"It's good advice," she shrugged.
"Janet, a lot of very sensible people have said 'it's ok doing what you want until you have to do what you're supposed to do."
"Sounds like boring people."
"Better than a song writer."
"Look Sam, even if they're right, how do you know what you're supposed to do?"
"That's the problem."
"Well let me ask you a question. Do you think that what you're doing here at the SGC is worthwhile? That it's what you're 'supposed' to do?"
"Yes. Absolutely."
"Did you want to be assigned here?
"I was a little nervous but yeah."
"So what you were supposed to do, and what you wanted to do...they were the same thing."
"Janet this isn't the same situation."
"Sam we could debate this all day but it's your decision. In my opinion you're over complicating things."
"I'm not over complicating it. It is complicated."
"Doesn't have to be."
"Why are you on his side? I thought you wanted blood?"
"Well, ordinarily I would. After all, as your best friend it is my solemn sworn duty to take a pound of flesh from any man who would treat you as he did."
"But?"
"But I also know he's the only one who'll make you happy."
Sam bowed her head as she hugged her knee.
"Still," Janet said pausing thoughtfully, "It is tempting to remember a weeks worth of painful medical tests."
Sam sighed and climbed into her car. It had been a long, draining day and she sighed again as she turned the key in the ignition. The engine powered up and the radio sprung to life with it.
"When a woman wants her man, she'll get him any way she can. I'm..." she turned it off abruptly and glared at it. Her conversation with Janet echoed in her mind.
~ "It is complicated." ~
~ "Doesn't have to be." ~
She sat there, looking at her radio, for a long time, suddenly feeling very alone. The prospect of going home to her empty house wasn't appealing but she didn't know where else to go.
She loved her job. In fact 'job' didn't really cover the role the SGC had in her life. It was her life. Everything she did revolved around the SGC and what she did there. She had pretty much no contact with the outside world. All her friends were part of the SGC, it was what bound them together.
~ "What are the chances of us finding someone who could deal with the stuff we deal with? Even if we could tell them." ~
He was right. What they did was...unbelievable. Aliens who pose as gods? Some people would freak out. She could never be with someone who didn't understand the importance of the SGC. And no one could unless they were involved with it. She couldn't come home to her partner each night and not be able to talk about her day. Jack was right.
And, she realised, Janet was right too.
~ "He's the only one who'll make you happy." ~
He was the only one she wanted to be with. The one she would compare any other guy against. The only one she'd be happy with
Before she had been able to kid herself that he didn't feel the same,hat to him she was just a good friend. But after the other day there was no denying it. No hiding from the truth.
She thought of her options.
Deny it and pretend it didn't happen. That would lead to months of awkwardness like the episode in her lab today. And that wasn't good for the team. But the alternative was to start a relationship. And the regulations were in place because that would also be bad for the team. It didn't leave her with many options.
Jolting back to reality she realised it was dark already outside and she couldn't sit in the car park all night. However, the idea of going home wasn't what she wanted right now either. Instead, she drove to the nearest park. It wasn't far and she knew the way well. Lots of NORAD and SGC personnel came here to get some fresh air or clear their minds.
She parked her car and got out, pulling her jacket tighter around herself in the chilly air. The park was peaceful. The usual presence of children in the playground, windsurfers and paddle boats, people on the jetty, even the ducks and geese were all missing. In their place was a feeling of stillness that calmed her. In the middle of the park was a large lake, and a path wound its way around the edge, a smooth surface for riders and the occasional skateboard. But right now she was the only person on it. Walking along at a slow pace, her eyes were on the still peaceful lake and her mind, for once, was clear.
As she gazed across the lake, glittering in the reflecting moonlight, she noticed a figure sitting on the jetty. She frowned as her eyes struggled to make them out. An adult...male...she stopped as a thought occurred to her. It couldn't be...? Starting to walk again, a brisker pace than before she peered at him more intently. Even as she got closer, from her position she still couldn't make him out properly. He was the right build... Approaching the jetty she slowed her pace as she watched him lift his head and gaze at the stars above him.
Walking onto the jetty she heard her footsteps change sound on the wooden surface. Surely he must have heard her? But he didn't turn round. Didn't make any indication he knew of her presence.
"Jack?" she asked softly. He turned round at her voice and she knew instantly it wasn't him.
"No," he said with a shake of his head, "Sorry."
"Sorry, I thought you were someone else," she apologised even though it was evident. As she turned on her heel and walked quickly away from the stranger she realised with as start that she was disappointed. She had wanted it to be Jack. Not just wondered but had actually hoped it was him. She had wanted to sit with him, talk with him. That was surprising, although she didn't know why. She had thought that another encounter would be awkward and uncomfortable, but now she realised the truth. She wanted his company. She wanted to be with him.
Ten minutes later she stood on his porch, waiting for an answer. After what seemed like an eternity it opened. Surprise flashed across his face and he opened the door fully.
"Hi," she said
"Hi," he answered his eyes darting to the street behind her. They stood for a moment in silence as Sam tried to order her thoughts.
"You ok?" Jack asked
"Yeah. You?"
"Good."
"That's good," she said.
"Yeah," he replied. "So...?"
"So, I went to the park."
"Oh," he said and thought about this for a moment. "Busy?" he asked eventually.
She shook her head, burying her hands deeper into her pockets. "No."
"Oh. Have fun?"
"I...I realised something."
"You did?"
"Yeah. There was a guy sitting on the jetty thought," she said "I thought it was you."
"Oh," he said again. "It wasn't."
"Yeah I err, I know. I asked him."
"You asked him if he was me?"
"Yeah I, called out your name."
"And?"
"It wasn't you."
"Right," he nodded "and this is what you realised?"
"No. What I realised was...I wanted it to be you."
"You realised that you wanted the guy sitting on the jetty to be me?"
"Yes."
"Oh."
"I realised that I always want it to be you. Not just sitting on the jetty but...I want it to be you who I come home to, you who comforts me, you who holds me a night. I want to be with you," she finished looking him in the eyes so he got her meaning.
He definitely got it.
He licked his lips and glanced away and then back at her, "You sure?"
She nodded.
"You've got a hell of a lot more to lose than me Sam."
"I know. I'm sure."
"The SGC..."
"...is my life. Yes. Yours too," she said simply. It wasn't regret, it was the truth. "And we can't give up the fight. But I want more. I want it all Jack. I want a job I love and a guy I love. Selfish? Maybe. But don't we deserve a little happiness? We've given our lives. Don't we deserve something back?"
"You deserve a lot more Sam."
"More than what? I'm tired of the double meanings Jack. The unsaid messages. Just talk to me."
"More than me," he admitted finally. "You're so much smarter than me. You've got so much potential."
She knew what he was doing. Putting obstacles in the way that might change her mind in case she ever looked back and regretted the choice she was about to make. But she wouldn't. She knew that deep down. She could never regret this, it was the right decision.
"You won't hold me back. You asked for a chance. I'm willing to give it a shot. If we don't make it, at least we won't have regrets."
"Sam...I don't have much to offer you."
"Can you give me your love?"
"Yes."
"Then that's all I need," she said reaching out a hand to cup his face and she stroked his cheek with her thumb. He closed his eyes and leaned into the caress, then opened them again, kissed her palm and pulled her closer.
She stepped into his embrace, warmth and love flooding through her. It was if a huge weight had been lifted and she felt free...and happy. So happy. She smiled into his embrace she felt him kiss her hair.
"Thank you," he whispered and she pulled back enough to look into his eyes.
He looked back and they could read each other easily. The guarded looks and hidden messages discarded. Their breaths intermingled as they stood lost in each others eyes. He dipped his head to kiss her softly and their lips met in a soft, passionate kiss. When they pulled apart Sam smiled and reached up to stroke his face. He smiled at her touch and kissed her finger tips.
"Thank you," he whispered again as he took a step backwards into the apartment and shut the door behind them.
If you enjoyed this story,please send feedback to Saz Ikal
Heliopolis Main Archive
A Stargate: SG-1 Fanfiction Site
Forgive and Forget
by Saz IkalSite Navigation
Support Heliopolis