Emotive Tangents
by Sare
TITLE: Emotive Tangents
AUTHOR: Sare
EMAIL: aquaresare@yahoo.com.au
CATEGORY: S/J UST/R, Angst, post-ep
SPOILERS: major for Tangent, Divide and Conquer, minors for Beneath the Surface and In the Line of Duty
SEASON / SEQUEL:
RATING: PG nothing much but angst here
CONTENT WARNINGS: angst, male/female relationship
SUMMARY: Sam and Jack have some revelations after Tangent.
STATUS: Complete
ARCHIVE: Heliopolis
DISCLAIMER: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. We have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the authors. Not to be archived without permission of the authors.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: If anyone has any cure for getting fic ideas right when it's the important assignment that's waiting to be written I'd be eternally grateful if they would send it to me - right along with the feedbackAt this rate I'll fail this semester of Uni and *then* where would I be...
DEDICATION: To Pepsi, Alex and Nicole; all of whom I've been extremely rude to lately with my absence. I'm alive, I've just been busy, guys, honest! See, I'm supposed to be doing one of those assignments now but that damn muse...
Sam looked up as Jack entered her lab, softly closing the door behind him. She had been so far from her work, reliving the wrenching emotion of the last SG1 catastrophe that the small sound brought her vacant gaze from the untouched equation in front of her to the tall figure whose presence now seemed to fill the room. His hands were shoved deep into his pockets and his mesmerizing gaze met hers for a nanosecond before scooting towards the whiteboard, then the floor, then her desk, before resting at his feet. He seemed to take a deep breath and she let the relief wash over her as she took in the sight of him, safe and healthy.
"Sir?" He looked up.
"Yeah?" Her eyebrows rose and she gestured around her space with one hand.
"You wanted something?"
"Not really." She couldn't help it, she smiled. He looked so damn cute as he reached for the pyramidal paperweight Daniel had given her and began twirling it in his hands.
"Oh. Okay." He heard the laughter in her voice and looked up to catch the smile he knew would be accompanying it. For a moment his eyes twinkled in response before something darkened over them and the levity disappeared from his stance. Sam swiveled in her chair to face him, touched and a little alarmed by whatever seriousness had overcome him.
"Colonel? What is it?"
With her attention completely on him Jack knew he had to do what he came here for. He took another deep breath.
"Carter, I..." His mouth closed again and he cursed his inadequacy with words.
"Sir..."
He raised his head at her interruption, his plowing paused.
"I'm sorry it took us so long to get to you, Colonel." The sincerity in her voice touched him and his eyes crinkled.
"Not your fault Carter, without you we'd still be up there."
"I know, sir, but-"
"Just let me finish will ya Carter?" At her small, intrigued nod, he brought his mind back to his earlier sentence. "While I was up there, I realized a few things." She raised an eyebrow and he shrugged his shoulders, "Well, I didn't *realize* them since I already knew them but it made more sense and I guess what I realized was what I thought about those things.." He closed his eyes at his embarrassing ramble and made himself get to the point. "What I'm *trying* to say," He slowed down, "Is that I want to break our rule."
He looked expectantly at her.
"Rule sir?" Confusion clouded the clear blue of her irises and at that moment he wished for Daniel's way with words.
"From the Zatarc thing, about the room, about..." he gestured back and forth between her and himself, unable to say it. Us.
"Oh." She sat up straighter and her air could only be described as wary. Jack winced and put the paperweight back on her desk.
"Look Carter, I know this is the last thing you want to discuss but I made a promise to myself while I was freezing my butt off thousands of miles away from home. If I made it out alive, if I got to see...you, again, I would come clean." He glanced over at her, trying to gauge her now carefully blank expression. "You getting this so far?"
"I think so." He could no longer read her eyes as they were cast downwards but he took the lack of hesitation in her answer as a good sign.
"I kept remembering Thera, feeling what I felt when Jolinar took you over... I kept hearing what you'd said in that damn test," He closed his eyes as her remembered voice washed over him for the millionth time;
~~I realized that it would kill me to watch the colonel die, that because of me Earth would be deprived of the best man I knew~~,
and after Anise's prompting on her feelings,
~~I was desperate... guilty... and unbelievably grateful that we would be together. Even as I imagined the explosion ripping through our bodies I knew that his face would be the last thing I saw, and I was glad~~
She drew a sharp breath as if she too was caught with the memory of that day. She shook her head and looked up, intense blue shimmering.
"There's nothing we can-"
"Yes, there is!" He saw the anger build up in her and felt his chest clench, he had known this would almost kill him but...
"Dammit, sir, the regulations-" She stood up abruptly, the chair skidding behind her.
"I know what the regulations say, I've read them a thousand times, that's not what I'm talking about here." She turned her back and leant a hand on her desk, as if she needed the support. He ached with the wanting to be that support.
"Sam... You know how I feel about you," She rotated and half sat on the polished surface, making the eye contact he'd been wanting. "We've never said it, but you *know*." He could read the agreement in her eyes. "What I'm proposing here," He winced slightly at his choice of words before shaking it off. "is the absolute truth between us." He ran a tortured hand through his hair. "In short, I want to take it out of *that* room and put it in here." He tapped his chest. "We can't work properly as a team if we tiptoe around certain issues." He paused for a deep breath and to take in her non-committal stance. "It'd be bending, okay breaking, the regs but the SGC isn't gonna fall apart if a few truths are maintained in private."
"A relationship with my CO on my record-"
"I'm not talking a relationship, Carter, at least not a physical one. I'm talking honesty. *Honesty*. Just between us."
She looked away and he panicked, reading her desire to escape. God it hurt to put himself on the line but he'd be damned if he was going to carry on with their life-and-death missions with the same gut-wrenching lament he'd felt in space.
"You know what my last thoughts up there were? While I was drifting in and out of consciousness I was thinking about my regrets, and you know, the main one wasn't about Apophis winning, how he'd finally got me, it wasn't about how I'd never take the ride through the 'gate again or teach Teal'c another earth custom, it wasn't wanting to see everyone just one more time,"
His voice was barely above a whisper, "It wasn't even about Charlie..." His eyes closed, blinked rapidly, and then focused again. "It was you," His dark gaze bored into hers and she felt an immeasurable pain rise up within her. "I never found out how you really felt, even after everything, I didn't know if it was just some ...thing... you couldn't control, or if it was the same damn thing I've been struggling with." Once again he couldn't say what he wanted, but the understanding was there. *Love*. "And the first thing I thought when I came to on that ship was that I had a second chance to find out."
Jack rubbed a hand over his face, aware that he'd just spoken more about his emotions than he'd intended. He was uncomfortable, restless and hurting.
Her voice was small but steady. "When the slingshot around Jupiter didn't work I think I went a little crazy, we all did. I almost got Daniel killed rushing off to a planet we thought the Tok'ra would be on. Then we pushed Dad's ship passed the limit to get there in time. When we saw you and Teal'c, I thought it was too late, that we'd waited too long and I'd never.." she swallowed, "I thought I'd lost you and it tore me apart, isn't that enough?"
Jack looked her in the eye, showing her how much everything she'd just said meant to him but also communicating more. *No. Not enough*. Her breath came out in a rush
"You're asking...that's more than I can ... do you-"
"I know what I'm asking, Carter." A less than humorous laugh escaped him. "I just spilled my entire..." He stopped and shook his head. "I know what I'm asking here."
"Sir," Her hands were clenched together white-knuckled and pressing into her abdomen. The emotional stress in her voice made it crack. "I *can't*."
His body lifted up straight, her words passed through neutralized defenses. Within the blink of an eye his face became impassive, the pain reverberating behind the mask. He cursed himself for risking it, swore he'd never again be that vulnerable, that *stupid*.
"Yeah." He sucked in his breath and carefully returned his hands to his pockets, tucking them in securely. "I guess now I know." The corner of his mouth lifted in an ironic tilt, his eyes remained flat. "I'll leave you to your work, Major."
He made no sound as he left.
Sam slid to the floor, not feeling the pain as her buttocks hit hard. How dare he throw that at her! How dare he take her military integrity as a sign that she didn't ...care for him the way he did her. Her choked sob echoed along the hard surfaces of the room. Care? That was the best she could do? *Care*?! She couldn't even admit to herself that she loved the colonel, let alone to him. And he knew, God, he knew.
***
Jack whipped on his jacket as he passed the surface SF and stepped outside the mountain. Dusk shadows surrounded him as he made his way to his jeep but instead of unlocking it and getting in he rested his arms on the frame. Driving down the mountain in the state he was in would be like swimming in a tub of Goa'uld - dangerous. As the chilly breeze snapped his clothes around him he took off towards the trees, intending to cool down and maybe wise up a little. So he'd probably alienated Sam. So he had a gaping hole in his chest the size of a staff-blast. At least now he knew. Next time he was dying of oxygen deprivation he could rest assured that he'd done his absolute best to seduce his 2IC. Humor...what a release.
Jack shook his head, he just wasn't sure anymore, he'd really screwed up this time.
***
Sam found him lying on his back, staring up at the stars. She allowed the leaves to crunch underfoot, allowed the twigs and other ground-coverings to alert him to her approach. He didn't move.
"Sir..."
"Major."
Okay. Let's try again.
"Colonel..."
"Carter."
One step up. This was getting tedious. She tried the only other thing she knew.
"Jack." The seldom spoken word from her lips caused his eyes to close briefly and he sat up slowly, though still withholding eye contact.
"Sam." He whispered her name as if tasting it. This time it wasn't a brush-off. She sat down beside him close enough to feel his heat, but not touching.
"I owe you an apology." She didn't expect his strangled sound of pain.
"You don't owe me anything, Carter." No more expression was revealed in his voice and the early risen moonlight uncovered little of his face. "Not a thing."
"That's not what I meant, Colonel, I didn't tell you the whole truth today." She waited for some sort of reply, but kept going in the absence of one. "When I said I ..." She stopped, God it was hard. "I *can't*-" Jack held up his hand to silence her, he didn't think he could handle it twice in one day. Hell he didn't think he could handle it twice, period.
"I get it Carter, it's okay. There's nothing for you to explain or apologize for."
"Sir, I need to tell you-"
"I don't need to hear it Major." He moved as if to stand.
"Dammit Colonel, listen to me!"
She grabbed his shoulders and twisted him to face her. Shocked by her actions as well as her tone he met her gaze, and saw the unshed tears in it. "You don't understand. I can't just admit that I'm in love with you and then go back to being friends and colleagues. It just doesn't work that way with me. It's all or nothing. The halfway you want just isn't possible. Once I admit it there's no turning back, I couldn't handle that and not be with you." The tears escaped, only to be captured again by his thumb. She was stunned to see the weak moonlight glinting thickly off the moisture held in his own eyes.
His answer was simple.
"So be with me."
She gave him a bittersweet smile. "I already have to." At his look of confusion she explained. "I've already admitted it." His eyes widened.
"I love you." Neither knew which one said it, but both felt it. In the next instant they felt the kiss even more.
The End
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