Who Wants to be a Millionaire Couples Edition - SG-1 Style!
by Sarah Butler
Title: Who Wants to be a Millionaire Couples Edition - SG-1 Style!
Author: Sarah Butler
Email: Sarah74656@hotmail.com
Status:Complete
Category: Attempted Humour. The second weirdest crossover ever, with 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?' (The first was with 'The Weakest Link')
Pairing: Sam/Jack, other pairing
Spoilers: None really, just harmless ramble. A couple of characters mentioned from season four, but out of context.
Archive: Heliopolis, Trek the Web, please put it on the SJA, and anyone else do ask, I'm bound to say yes!
Season/Sequel info: Set anywhere, it doesn't really matter, although previous knowledge of some of the characters involved would mean you got more of the attempted jokes.
Rating: PG, and that's going a bit over the top.
Content Warnings: Nothing, except badly written parody without a plot.
Summary: What? It's supposed to have a story line? Oops! Anyway, it's basically when a few of our friends (and enemies) from our favourite TV series go on the TV show, 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?' That sounds fun...
Disclaimer: I don't own any of this wonderful stuff. Unfortunately. I wish I did, but the lucky devils at ShowTime, Gecko and MGM have the pleasure, so I guess I'll just have to be content with doing what I do now, writing for fun. I don't get any money for it either. Sigh. And I don't own 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?' either. Thanks to the BBC for letting me play around with that. Oh, and they don't give me any money either, damn! I should also thank whoever makes the desk calendar all the questions are from it, so if you think the answers are wrong blame them, not me!
Author Comment: Note from the not-so-genius! Well, well, well. Three holes in the ground, yes, I know. This is my first attempt at writing something as stupid as this, usually I have stories with angst, plot and sap, but something just struck me like lightning to write this one. I don't know if it's funny or not, because you never can laugh at your own jokes, so pleas let me know what you think. I do like feedback, when I get messages telling me I'm wonderful (or not!) it seems to help me write better. Still, happy reading, hope you enjoy it!
"Hello, and welcome to today's special edition of the couples edition of 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?'! Today we are welcoming a number of couples from the US Airforce. Joining us today we have Samantha Carter and Jack O'Neill, from Colorado!"
"Hi."
"Janet Frasier and Daniel Jackson, also from Colorado!"
"Hi there."
"George Hammond and Cassandra Frasier, once again from Colorado!"
"Hello there."
"And finally Harry Maybourne and Anise Freya!"
"Hi."
"So, Samantha, Jack. Tell us a little about yourselves. When did you two meet?"
"Well, it was about 4 or 5 years ago, erm, we got put on the same team, and erm, incidentally, it's Sam."
"Sorry?"
"My name. It's Sam."
"O...K..."
"A: horseshoes."
"Correct, you win £100. Next question, for £200. In which winter sport did Torvil and Dean win Olympic medals? Was it A: bobslighing, B: ice skating, C: ski jumping or D: curling?"
"B: ice skating."
Correct. For £300, what kind of garment is a 'poncho'? Is it A: a boot, B: a hat, C: a belt or D: a cloak?"
"D. It's a cloak."
"Erm, Jack, do you agree?"
"Yup."
"So that's your final answer?"
"Yup."
"OK, well, erm, it's right. So, for £500, what is the name of the music and poetry festivals held in Wales? Is it A: promenades, B: carnivals, C: olympids or D: Eisteddfods?"
"D."
"Are you sure?"
"Yup."
"Erm, ok. Well, erm, right again. Now, for £1000. The slogan '57 varieties' is associated with which company? Is it A: Ford, B: Nestle, C: Heinz or D: Cadbury?"
"C, Heinz."
"Is that you final answer?"
"Yes."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes."
"Very sure?"
"Fishing."
"Fixing my motorbike."
"At the same time?"
"Usually."
"Don't you spend time together when you're not at work?"
"No, we work together."
"Oh, and office couple."
"Erm, not exactly, no. We-"
"Does your boss know?"
"Erm, wouldn't it be a bit stupid to come on national television if he didn't?"
"So what's your boss's name then?"
"General George Hammond. He's over there with Cassie."
"Right... Isn't she a bit, well,youngfor him?"
"You're as young as you feel."
"Right, of course... so, anyay, back to the questions! OK, for £2000, which building, famous for its maze, is on the north bank of the Thames in London? Is it A: Sandringham, B: Hampton Court, C: Balmoral or D: Clarance House?"
"B, Hampton Court."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes."
"So that's your final answer?"
"Yes."
"OK, well, good choice, you just won £2000! Next question, for £4000, which Gilbert and Sullivan work is set in Venice? Is it A: Ruddigore, B: The Gondoliers, C: the Mikado or D: Iolanthe?"
"Has to be B, the Gondoliers."
"Why?"
"Other than I know it is?"
"What about you, Jack?"
"If Sam says it is, it is."
"Well, I can see who is wearing the trousers in this relationship..."
"Erm, we both are."
"No, I meant never mind. So, is that your final answer?"
"Yep."
"Alright then. You win £4000! Next question, for £8000, which type of jacket is named after a New York country club? Is it A: Bolero, B: Oilskin, C: Windsheater or D: Tuxedo?"
"As tempted as I am to just get this wrong and go home, the answer is Tuxedo, D."
"Is that your final answer?"
"For cryin' out loud! Would she have said it is it wasn't?"
"OK, OK. So you're sure?"
"Everyone knows this... B, August. And if you ask me if I'm sure I'll shoot you."
"Oh, so I'd say you're sure then?"
"Are these questions supposed to be hard? I reckon even Cassie knows this."
"I do, I do!"
"Why don't you phone her and ask her then?"
"Because I know the answer too! Grief... It's obviously C, Hydrogen."
"Oh. Well done. You're now going to go home with at least £32,000. Hooray for you. So, is being in the airforce fun?"
"We fight for a living. There's shooting, there's blood, there's death. People die. It's a blast."
"It sounds that way."
"Not really. If we take too long we'll take up the entire show, and no-one else will get a chance to win any money then."
"Erm, that's the idea..."
"We noticed. Look, can we just have the next question please?"
"If you insist... OK, for £64,000, which of these characters appears in the Charles Dickens novel 'David Copperfield'? Is it A: Sarah Gamp, B: Nell Trent, C: Clara Pegotty or D: Lucie Manette?"
"It's c, Clara Pegotty."
"You, erm, you don't want to maybe use one of your lifelines maybe? To make sure?"
"No, I know that's the right answer."
"Oh, OK then. Well, you're right. Well done. So, now, for £125,000, the capital of Liberia is named after which US president? Is it A: Polk, B: Monroe, C: Grant or D: Cleveland?"
"Hey, Mark was there last week! It's B, Monroe."
"You don't want to take a 50-50 do you? You know, just to make sure?"
"Isn't that just another fancy way of asking me if that is my final answer?"
"Erm, maybe..."
"Look, was I right? Just get on with it, please?"
"Ok, OK, yes, it's right. You win £125,000. Now, for £250,000, in mythology, Terpsichore was the muse of what? Was it A: dance, B: history, C: painting or D: astronomy?"
"Before I answer this, I just want to say thank you to Daniel. This will prove I do listen to what you say, and that it is useful. Occasionally. It's A, dance."
"You don't want to maybe phone him and check?"
"This was on Horizan last week... it's C, Fransican."
"You know, I happen to know that there is an overwhelming number of Fransican monks in the audience today maybe you should use your 'ask the audience' and check with them?"
"Give it up, will you?"
"Alright. Can't blame a host for trying though, can you?"
"Yes, we can."
"But you won't."
"Yes, we will."
"Please?"
"Oh, alright then. If you get on with it,"
"OK! I can do that... well, once again, Sam, you are right, I bet you'll miss out on the million though."
"Why is that?"
"Because being a 'couples' edition you both have to answer at least one question each, so Jack has to answer the last question otherwise you'll both be disqualified!"
"I'm sure that wasn't I the rules."
"It wasn't. I just added it."
"Can you do that?"
"I'm the star of this show of course I can!"
"Typical."
"So, for £1 million, Jack. In the film 'The Wizard of Oz', which role was played by Bert Lahr? Was it A: the scarecrow, B: the tin man, C: the cowardly lion or D: the wizard?"
"Wow! It's A, the scarecrow."
"What? How do you know that?"
"He's my role model lack of brains, soft on the inside and always after Dorothy's heart."
"Right..."
"So, have we won then?"
"Are you sure you don't want to use a lifeline?"
"We will. Bye!"
"Good bye to you, Sam and Jack. They go back to Colorado in the US with a whopping £1 million!"
"Hi."
"So, apparently the other consoles have broken down! How do you feel about being the only couple lucky enough to have survived this unfortunate malfunction?"
"Twist if fate. We just feel sorry for them, that the fragile Tau'ri equpiment broke so easily."
"Damn shame. Terrible."
"But you're glad to be here?"
"Of course, of course."
"Good. So, Anise Freya that's an unusual name. Care to tell us how you came about it?"
"I did not 'come about it'. Freya was the name of my host, Anise was that of my symbiont."
"Excuse me?"
"She means that Freya was her host's name, erm, the person who looked after her when she was younger, erm, she's an orphan, erm, and Anise was the name of her mother, erm, dead mother, erm, who she always felt was with her for many years, erm, after her death, obviously. Erm, yeah."
"You seem to know her family history quite well, Harry. So, have you two been together a long time then?"
"No. We joined for the purpose of this TV show, for the benfit of the Tok'ra/Earth alliance."
"The what?"
"She means that we haven't been an official couple very long, we've obviously been together at least 2 years, wouldn't have let us on the show otherwise, would we? Haha..."
"Yes, quite. What did she say about Toke something?"
"Erm, Tok'ra? That's the name of... the obscure religious sect we're in. It's verystrict and, erm, we are forbidden to talk about it to outsiders."
"Of course you are. Anyway, let's start the questions, shall we? For £100, which of these is a type of fish? Is it A: catfish, B: horse fish, C: elephant fish or D: hyena fish?"
"Erm, I'm not sure. Anise? What do you think?"
"It is your world. I just perform evil experiments in it."
"Great lot of help you are."
"I knew the question posed to Major Carter and Colonel O'Neill earlier about the molecule of hydrogen."
"It's not the questions I'm worrying about it's the answers!"
"Ahem. Can I have your answer please?"
"Erm, not yet. Can we go 50-50?"
"Well, if you want to, sure, why not! Computer, please take away two wrong answers. Well, you're left with A: catfish and C: elephant fish."
"You have voice recognition computers?"
"Erm, well, kind of..."
"This technology has not been told to us! This is a breach of our alliance! I must inform the High Council!"
"Is she on about your religion again?"
"Erm, yes, of course she is. Anise, they're not voice-activated. It's pretend so it looks good on TV. Isn't it, Chris?"
"Well..."
"Isn't it?"
"Erm, of course. That's right. Not real at all. Haha."
"See?"
"Oh, OK."
"Great. So, have you decided on an answer yet?"
"Erm, no. Can we ask the audience?"
"Of course you can! This day is getting better now after all..."
"Get on with it, please?"
"Alright, alright... OK, audience! Keypads at the ready, and vote now!"
"I still don't know... can I phone a friend?"
"If you really want to."
"I'll phone Jack, then."
"As in the one who was in here earlier?"
"That's him!"
"OK. Here goes..."
"Hello?"
"Hi, Jack, it's Chris Tarrant here, from 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?'."
"Oh, you. What do you want?"
"I've got Harry Maybourne and Anise Freya here, they're a little stuck on the first question. Do you think you could help?"
"Yeah, I guess."
"Hi Jack."
"Hello Maybourne."
"Jack, which of these is a fish? A catfish or an elephant fish?"
"You don't know? Grief, Maybourne, you're even more of an idiot than I thought you were!"
"Just tell me the answer, will you?"
"OK, OK. It's A, catfish. Have fun!"
"I will. Bye Jack."
"Bye."
"So, what's your answer then?"
"I think we'll go with C, elephant fish."
"Didn't everyone else say catfish?"
"Yes, but everyone hates me, especially Jack. He's got a major conspiracy against me he'd just jealous, he'd do anything to stop me winning the money."
"Right... so that's your final answer?"
"Yes."
"OK, well, it's wrong. I'm afraid you two are mindless morons, please go back to America and never set foot in this country again. If you ever do, it will be too soon."
"So what do we win?"
"Nothing! Grief..."
"Well, of all the nerve..."
The End!!!
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