Borrowed Time
Borrowed Time
by Sandra
Title: Borrowed Time
Author: Sandra
Email:MishaNova2000@aol.com
Status: Complete
Category: S/D friendship
Spoilers: Um. .. could be a few, dunno for what, though. (Fox is playing with reruns again)
Season/Sequel Info: Any
Rating: PG-13
Content Warning: Death of a character
Summary: Eh, I borrowed the plot-line from Solitudes. .. only no Jack.
Disclaimer: I'm just window shopping, okay? So. .. call off the. .. clones.
Author's Notes: I needed to explain a few things about death to myself and I pretty much. .. eh, failed, but closure in this way isn't too bad, huh?
Feedback: Sure
Archive: Send me a note
Dedication: Za Marinu Kovacic (1975-1991) i Gorana Krkljacica (1975-1991) Pocivali u miru.
The dead they sleep a long, long sleep;
The dead they rest, and their rest is deep;
The dead have peace, but the living weep.
- - Samuel Hoffenstein
There is a breed of birds that sing even when wounded and dying.
I always thought it was because that was what they did for most of their lives and didn't know better. Then, in my adolescent years, when I was going through every imaginable identity crisis a teenager on the brink of adulthood would have gone through, I came to a different conclusion. I believed they sang just so they wouldn't worry the other birds around them. You know, put on a brave "It's nothing. .. really" face before warbling that last sad chirp.
Somehow that theory stuck.
I guess it could be because it complied with my military training, but mostly because I liked to think that when you're about to die, the welfare of your friends and loved ones would come first. I didn't find the idea of screaming your head of about the pain and fear too appealing or honorable.
"Sam. ..?" a weak voice whispers.
I try turning my head, but change my mind as a surge of pain gushes through my muscles.
"Yeah, Daniel?"
The ice is making it extremely hard for either of us to talk, let alone move. It's strange to think that both of us could die in this dump. A mission gone awry, nothing new for SG-1, but I have a bad feeling about this one for some strange reason. I can feel the fear in Daniel, too. I wish Teal'c and the Colonel were here. .. if not to get us out, then at least provide some encouragement to Daniel since I'm going all Dark and Depressed on him.
"Just checking. .. you didn't even comment on my last lecture." Daniel says quietly, voice a little more insecure than the last time he spoke. We lost track of time, but I'd bet General Hammond's chair that it's been almost a day or two in this glacial hellhole.
"I'm sorry, Daniel, where were we?"
"Linguistic groups of the San. .. but I think I trailed off into the San background." He says, and I can see out of the corner of my eye he's trying to flex his fingers.
"Oh, that's right, go on, it's really fascinating." I say slowly, trying to minimize the shudder in my voice. As long as he talks, I'll know he's breathing.
Don't get me wrong, I don't think of Daniel as some weakling that would get bruised even in the bathroom, but he just invokes that kind of protective feeling in everyone. I try not to compare my teammates to any corny metaphor, but I've had a whole day of just lying around, thinking of death and love and. .. a lot of things.
You know, sometimes it *does* feel like he's this small, beautiful rose and we're his. .. thorns. We're there, holding onto him, protecting his frail little existence only to be pushed away by the ever-growing independence and evolution of this man. As the resident Thorn, I like to think I can shield all of my friends from anything life can throw at them. I don't know if all people do that, but every external act a friend of mine does seems somehow. .. inadequate compared to the greatness of that friend. It's hard to explain, but I kinda classify all my friends. ..
"I seriously doubt that, Sam, but anyway. .." Daniel says with a tinge of amusement, "As I was saying, the San speak Khoisan languages characterized by click sounds. It's really interesting, they still live as hunter-gatherers organized in small groups, or bands, of about ten nuclear families. Each group has exclusive--"
Daniel definitely gets classified as a Bird. Don't laugh, I mean it in an extremely profound way. He's really a hero in his own right. He's always this amazing creature, never indifferent and never ordinary. And I love that about him. I love the fact that he sees me a friend, as an equally unique soul, infinitely dear and priceless. He can literally melt any female I've seen with a small smile, but when he smiles at me, I can see him for what he is. A man with weaknesses and faults, a concerned bird that will sing forever. ... even in a situation like this.
"If you're listening, what did I just say?" Daniel asks softly, eyes closed. I smile against the freezing current, and slowly try to inch my way closer to him.
"Auen, Gwi, uh, Heikum, Kung, um, Naron. .. see, I was listening." I say, mentally thanking my body for cooperating. Towering over him for a second, my smile freezes as his bluish lips tremble a bit, blue eyes opening in surprise at seeing me there. This doesn't look good. At all.
"I'm fine." He says before I even get the first syllable out of my mouth. I nod and slowly lean next to him, wrapping my arms around him. He needs warmth and. .. no, he needs to be home in a nice, warm bed, tinkering with one of his artifacts or somewhere in Jack's office telling him why they're not classified as 'rocks.'
My lips part to form a question, and that's when it hits me. What if he dies? We don't usually talk about death since no soldier wants to acknowledge it as a real threat, but it's there. When my mother died, I went through some sort of fascination with death. The future-scientist part took a class in Thanatology, learning definitions and stages but I mostly shun away from courses that dealt with *real* emotional pain. Death never seems real, and there comes that *one* moment when you have to, need to believe that it's not.
"You have a bad feeling, too, huh?" Daniel asks, eyes closed again. His face acquired an unusual color, purple, blue and white, I wonder if I look like that too. I think I can feel my brain slowing down under all this incredible cold, and it frightens me, because I know what stage comes next. I don't answer his question, just place my head against his shoulder, closing my eyes. If I don't see it, maybe it's not happening.
"I'm sure Jack and Teal'c will find us, Sam." He says, his arm moving around my neck. I know how much that little movement must have hurt his frozen limbs. Thank you, Daniel, for singing.
"I'm sure."
Every death is distinct and the effect that it has on me, my life, and my behavior is different. I don't know how I would deal if I lost Daniel, Teal'c or Jack. They've all become a big part of my life, but Daniel is a constant, a confidant, and a lover in a way. We share so many things that I'm not certain where the line is anymore. I love him in my own mysterious way, and he loves me.
An average person falls in love 3 to 4 times in their average life. I had trouble believing in that "One True Love" thing, but I look at Daniel's eternal love for Sha're, and how they met across Galaxies in a time such as this, and I can't help but believe in destiny a little bit. Although, Sha're is dead and Daniel will eventually move on. That's what bugs me about death. There will always be memories and the awareness, but the distance will be so huge that no love will be able to survive. Just memories. ..
"C'mon, Sam, don't fall asleep on me. It's bruising my ego." Daniel whispers, blue eyes open and watching mine.
My eyes flutter open, blinking the darkness out of my eyes, I ask sluggishly, "What do you want to talk about?"
As long as it's not death, I'm in, Daniel, you just keep singing.
"Oh, I dunno, if Jack was here instead of me, you'd be talking how you could calculate the period of expansion exactly 3.14 times faster. .. something about 1 10 -35 and 1 10 -32 being extremely small numbers, something about a decimal point followed by thirty-four zeroes and then a 1, or thirty one zeroes and then a 1, respectively--" Daniel smiles weakly, and I find myself amazed with his ability to babble.
"First, I won't even tell you what's wrong with your little equation. .." I swallow against the dryness in my throat.
"Second?" he asks, holding me tighter with a concerned look on his pretty face.
"Second. .. I tell Jack those kinds of things because he doesn't stand a chance in hell of understanding them." I try to sound as humorous as possible, but it just isn't working. Daniel touches my face with his, and I can't help but notice the thin layer of ice sticking to our clothes, skin, hair. ..
Somatic death. .. that's what's gonna happen to us. Our organs, cells, smallest parts of cells ceasing to function slowly, preceding death itself. Our brain cells will continue to work for five minutes after somatic death, and those of our hearts for about fifteen. It's funny, really. A pre-med friend of mine said that that's the only time in our lives that we *feel* without *thinking* since the brain is dead, but the heart is still going strong. It's strangely unnerving, but I'm going along with it. I just want to sleep at this point.
"Oh, I think Jack understands more than he lets on." Daniel says, continuing the idle conversation. I really hate it when his plans differ from mine. If I go to sleep, I won't have to see your pain, Daniel. And sleep is. ... warm.
"Algor mortis."
"Sam?" Daniel trembles against my body a little. Strange that I still feel small details like those.
"Algor mortis. .. we'll be able to skip that part. Cooling of the body after death." I say, trying to feel the corners of my lips twitch into a small smile.
A dry chuckle makes me open my eyes and look at his face. Good, I made him laugh.
"Sam, if you start talking about decomposing enzymes and bacteria. .. I'm gonna find myself a private icicle."
He sings beautifully, doesn't he?
I'm actually surprised that he hasn't started to talk about death in Western societies, modern times, concepts and psychology of dying. God, I don't want to lose that. The enthusiasm and passion he still has. Okay, Daniel, we'll talk and get out of this.
"Nah, I know you must have gone over all that in some Embalming class or something." I whisper, wondering why the hell my voice sounds so bizarre. Daniel observes me for a long moment, then slowly whispers,
"You know I love you guys, right?"
No, Daniel, it's not the time for confessions. I said we were gonna get out of this, and we will.
"Daniel. .. couldn't we talk about something academic?"
Nothing that involves souls leaving the body, corporeal manifestations or physical properties, please.
No matter how much I appreciate his singing, I think I can convey our friendship, all my thoughts, desires and expectations without words.
"We could." He says disappointedly. I groan internally and try to move my face closer to his, suddenly finding myself saying,
"And we. .. love you, too, Daniel."
Yeah, I'm sure I'm dying. Irreversible loss of brain activity has occurred; I'm spluttering nonsense. This is stupid. .. Respiratory and cardiac functions still operating, but I'm brain dead. Apparently, dead brain cells also cause this salty liquid substance that's threatening to stream down my cheeks. Okay, it's too cold and he won't notice. .. hopefully.
He needed to know, and I'm glad I got to be the one to utter those words to him.
He just looks at me, blue eyes contrasted against the bluish color of his face. God, I've never seen a look like that before. This man really has an incredibly strong will to live. Not surprised that he rose from the dead as many times as he did anymore. Cheating death seems to be his trademark. I should try that sometime. .. not now though. .. I'm too sleepy.
My eyes close calmly, a small frown replaced by a slight contented smile. How could I possibly be happy, you wonder? Because I can feel again. I can feel the tears trickling down my cheeks slowly, Daniel's chest near mine. I can feel the warmth I can swear wasn't there a second ago. I can even smell his inconspicuous nobody-else-but-Daniel scent. Mmmm. .. satin and silk. ... cool against smooth. So inviting.
"Sam? Sam! Stay awake, please. C'mon, shake it off, move your hands a bit. .. Sam? Sam...?"
He knows. He's known for a while. He's known longer than I. Good. We really do love you, Daniel. And you love us, don't you?
"Sam, please. .."
I can feel myself slipping a little, an incredibly independent shriek sounding off in my head. Whoever said that death takes away an individual's essential characteristics was very wrong. I've never felt this good. I can see the sun and the moon shining brightly at the same time, waters running silently and loudly simultaneously. .. and sadness and excitement mix as I realize that the one person I wanted to be with in a moment like this is here, sharing and. .. crying?
"You can't. .. leave me alone. Not you, too. .." Daniel's voice echoes faintly in my mind. If it was physically possible, I think my heart would break from the tone of his voice. He had plans, a spirited future planned, thoughts of happiness leaving his voice again. I'm sorry, Daniel. .. maybe next time. I'm not one to reject the thought of reincarnation. Maybe I'll get to be the bird in next life, and you'll admire my strength as much as I admire yours.
But. ..
At least I know. .. no regrets, though.
The mammoth plane I'm on right now slows down to match the rhythmic beating of my heart until it stops wholly in the middle of the most breathtakingly beautiful tree I've ever seen. I leap out of the plane in what feels like slow motion only to find myself chirping on a thick branch. I've never seen leaves this color, emerald and mahogany blending in with ebony. .. and a scarlet colored bird is watching me, with a gaze strangely reminiscent of the looks my mother used to give me when I did something she was extremely proud of. Mother. ..?
There is a breed of birds that sing even when wounded and dying.
They don't sing to protect their loved ones from pain. They don't sing because it's the only thing they know how to do.
They sing because they're happy, because everything stands clear, explained before the simplicity that is life. The love, the brief second that takes to conceive life, and a brief second to end it. And that last chirp is nothing more but the final, condensed expression of regret that those you love will continue life rationalizing and condemning death instead of cherishing the memories made.
Hopefully, I've made a few that will show those I love just how much I loved them.
"I'll miss you. .."
I know he can't see me smile, but I smile anyway in my own secluded corner of departure, waving my cerulean wings and singing delicately.
I'll miss you too.
Kraj.
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