Cooties & Candy
Cooties & Candy
by Reichiru
Summary: SG-1 (with the exception of Teal-c) is subject to a strange phenomenon in which they all begin acting like children.
Category: Challenge, Humor, Romance
Season: any Season
Pairing: Jack/Sam
Rating: G
Warnings: none
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author(s).
Archived on: 10/10/03
A/N: This story is in response to the M&M's Challenge from 2000.
"Well, well. What a surprise. Trees."
"What were you hoping for, Jack? A desert?"
"Haven't you ever heard of variety, Daniel?"
SG-1 had only just stepped out of the event horizon of the Stargate, and already Jack and Daniel were bickering.
Indeed the planet was full of trees. Everything looked as though it had never been touched. Like human footsteps had never even been down the path to the Stargate. However, that they were wrong about.
"Hullo."
They all looked and saw a little girl standing behind the Stargate.
"Hello there," Sam said taking a small step toward her. The girl looked around five years old, maybe a little younger. She had light brown hair and bright blue eyes. She was holding a large ball that must have been kicked out near the Stargate. No doubt, where she didn't belong.
"What's your name, Sweetheart?" Sam tried.
The girl was too busy staring in fear at Teal'c. Obviously this was another culture that had been introduced to the goa'uld. "Nya! You know not to go near the Ring!" Another child came into the clearing. This one looked about eight. "Who are you?" she asked SG-1.
"We're peaceful explorers from a planet called Earth. My name is Daniel. This is Jack, Sam, and Teal'c. We won't hurt you. What's your name?"
"My name is Chita. Did you come through the Ring?"
"Yes, we did. Its how we go to other worlds," Sam said smiling at the two girls.
"I will take you to the elders," Chita said. She turned and ran off in the direction she came.
"Does she expect us to be able to keep up? I have arthritis for crying out loud!" Jack said looking in the direction she ran.
Nya tugged on Sam's pant leg. "I'll lead you."
Sam picked her up and Nya told them to walk in the direction Chita had gone.
After about twenty minutes, Nya had lead them to a small village with several children out playing. Not only that, but she was now sporting Sam's hat and sunglasses. "We're home!" she finally said jumping out of Sam's arms.
They made there way into the largest hut and found Chita waiting for them. "What took you so long?"
"How about we aren't young?" Jack said, irritated.
"Why?" Nya asked. Jack just slapped a hand over his head.
"These are the elders," Chita said pointing to a table in the room. Seated at it were three teenagers.
"You're kidding me, right?" Jack asked.
"About what?" The first "elder" asked.
"Where are the adults of your planet?" Teal'c asked.
"What are adults?" The second "elder" asked.
"Um, that's what we are. Adults. Uh, big people," Daniel did his best "big" impression.
"We don't have adults. Not since Ra came," the oldest and third "elder" said. He looked about sixteen while the others were around thirteen.
"What happened to them?" Sam asked.
The third elder stood. "I am the last of those that were adults."
"What do you mean? You're just a kid," Jack said.
"I was once much older. After Ra came, all adults slowly became young. The children all stopped growing. I have done my best to educate them, but most of them are too young to understand."
"Why would he do that?" Sam asked looking at Daniel.
"I don't know. Perhaps because he took the body of a child. Maybe he was making a planet of potential hosts."
"I would suggest you leave now," the oldest elder said.
"I don't want them to leave!" Nya cried out grabbing Sam's hand. "She reminds me of my mommy!"
"Your mommy, just like mine, is gone, Nya," Chita said softly.
"I miss her..." Nya began to cry softly and Sam picked her up and hugged her.
"Why do we have to leave so soon?" Daniel asked. "Maybe we could help you."
"If you stay, you too will slowly become young again. You have already been here too long."
"All right, Campers. Let's do what the big boy says. I personally don't feel like reliving my childhood twice in the same year," Jack said, thinking about his younger clone.
Sam said goodbye to Nya and they made their way back to the gate.
"I can't believe I didn't notice this before," Sam said looking at one of her doohickeys.
"What?" Jack asked.
"I'm picking up some strange frequencies. I had better analyze these back at the lab."
"You do that," Jack said dialing home.
One by one they went through the gate. Little did they know they picked up an extra passenger.
"Welcome back, SG-1," General Hammond said as soon as Teal'c came through the event horizon. "How was... What the hell?"
They watched as Nya tumbled out of the event horizon.
"Nya! Are you crazy?" Sam cried out as she scooped the little girl off of the ramp.
"Major, who is this?" Hammond asked.
"She's one of the locals we met on the planet," Daniel said.
"Don't ask, Sir. We'll explain it during our briefing," Jack said.
"So you're saying that it's a planet of only children?!"
SG-1 sat in the briefing room with Nya spinning wildly in the Chair next to Jack.
"Yes, Sir," Sam said watching Nya.
"I think we should help them, General Hammond," Daniel said. "I'm sure we could find a way to reverse what Ra..." Daniel stopped mid sentence.
General Hammond turned to see what Daniel was looking at. "Colonel O'Neill, what are you doing?"
They all turned to see Jack mimicking Nya, spinning wildly in his chair.
"Colonel O'Neill!" Hammond finally shouted. Both Jack and Nya stopped.
"What?!" Jack exclaimed, seemingly annoyed.
"My God. That's how I used to answer my father when he'd call my name," Sam said wrinkling her nose.
Jack slapped a hand over his mouth. "I'm sorry, Sir. I don't know what came over me."
"Report to the infirmary. And take you little friend too."
"I don't wanna!" Jack whined.
"Excuse me?" Hammond said in shock.
"I bet she has cooties!"
"Do not!" Nya yelled defensively.
"Do too!"
"Do not!"
"ENOUGH!" Hammond bellowed. "I don't know what's going on, but I want you all to go to the infirmary, NOW."
"I'm hungry!" Jack cried out.
"Me too!" Daniel said kicking at the nurse examining him.
"Me three!" Sam giggled.
"Let's go to McDonalds!" Jack exclaimed with glee. "Take us to McDonalds, Doc!"
"I don't think so, Colonel," Janet said trying to take his blood pressure.
"I wanna Big Mac!" Daniel screamed.
"And fries! Don't forget the fries!" Sam said bouncing up and down.
"What's a fries?" Nya asked innocently.
"They are a strange human food made out of potatoes and grease," Teal'c explained.
Hammond came in at that moment to check on them. "Doctor Frasier, what do you make of this?"
She threw her hands in the air. "Beats me, General. They are all acting like children. Very bad children, by the way."
"We're not bad!" Jack yelled defensively. "Just hungry!"
"I want Mountain Dew!" Sam said doing a cartwheel.
"It has not rained on the mountain for weeks, Major Carter," Teal'c said.
"I like catching rain drops on my tongue," Nya said with a soft smile.
"Me too," Daniel said.
"Teal'c, do you understand why this is happening?" Hammond asked.
"The elder said the adults all became children. Perhaps since we did not stay long, the only effect is that they act like children."
"I think we should give it a day or two and see if it wears off, "Janet said.
"What do we do with them until then?" Hammond asked looking and the childlike adults surrounding him.
"Entertain them?" Janet suggested.
"Oh uncle Georgie!" Jack sang. "We gots a favor to ask you!"
Twenty minutes later, Jack, Sam, and Daniel were sitting in Jack's quarters eating Happy Meals from McDonalds.
"My toy is better than yours!" Jack said showing off his racecar to Daniel.
"Is not!" Daniel yelled.
"Is too!"
"Not!"
"Too!"
"Mine's the best!" Sam shouted, breaking up their argument. She was brushing the hair of the miniature Barbie she had gotten.
Jack grinned at the pretty doll. She had some major... yeah... "Yeah you're right."
"I wanna play a game!" Daniel exclaimed.
"What can we play?" Sam asked.
"I know! Let's play tag!" Jack said with a smile.
"There's not enough room," Daniel said looking around.
"Who cares? You're it, Danny Boy!" Jack slapped Daniel on the back.
"I don't wanna be it!" Daniel screamed. "Why do I gotta be it?"
"Cause I tagged you, Stupid."
"I don't wanna play with you! You're always mean ta me!"
"Fine! Me and Sammie will play." Jack tagged Sam and began running around the room. Finally she hit him and quickly began running in the other direction. He grabbed her and they fell down.
"Tag!" He said with a grin. "Hey!" Sam had kissed him. "Now I got cooties!"
"So?"
"I think I like your cooties," Jack whispered and kissed her back.
"That's gross!" Daniel said covering his eyes. "Jack and Sammie, sitting in a tree. K-I-S-S-I-N-G!!!"
"You're just jealous `cause she didn't kiss you, Space Monkey!"
"Ew! I wouldn't kiss Danny! That's like kissing my brother!" Sam said making a face.
"What's it like kissing me?" Jack asked.
"Kissing a dog." Before it registered in his head she jumped up and hid behind Daniel.
Nya sat in General Hammond's office with Doctor Frasier and Teal'c.
"Why are they acting like children?" Hammond asked the little girl.
"Why don't you act like children?" She shot back at him.
"Because we aren't children."
"Why?"
"We grew up."
"Why?"
"Because that's what humans do."
"Why?"
"Stop that!"
"Why?"
"Because it's annoying."
"You're boring. I wanna play with Sam."
"Doctor, did you give Nya a complete examination?" Hammond asked, ignoring the girl's pleas.
"Yes, everything from height to her genetic make up. I'm really not sure what's going on."
"Major Carter said there was something strange in one of her scans of the area," Teal'c said.
"But without the `adult' Major Carter, that information is useless to us," Janet said with a sigh.
"True."
"I hurt."
The three adults turned to look at Nya who was rubbing at her legs and arms.
"What do you mean you hurt?" Janet asked.
"Everything is sore."
Janet took Nya by the hand. "I'm going to give you another check up."
"Uh, uh!"
"Uh, huh!"
"Not!"
"Too!"
"M&M's are not better than money! You can buy toys with money!" Jack was arguing the value of M&M's vs. money with Sam.
"But you can eat M&M's!" Sam said in rebuttal.
"She makes a good point, Jacko," Daniel said popping a red M&M in his mouth.
Jack sighed. "You win, Sammie. Did you just call me Jacko?"
"Sir, I think I may have found something!" Janet had come bounding into General Hammond's office with poor little Nya hanging onto her arm for dear life.
"Well, what is it?"
"When I was examining Nya again, I found out why she was so sore."
"Why?"
"She was having growing pains. The kind of pain you get in your joints when you have a sudden growth spurt."
"And this means what, Doctor?"
"It means that whatever is keeping the people of that planet young is on the planet, not in the people. Nya has been growing ever since she arrived here on Earth."
"What does that mean for SG-1?"
"They'll return to normal. But that also means we can help the children on that planet by relocating them."
"Good work, Doctor."
"Wow. I have one helluva headache," Jack complained.
Apparently the childishness being experienced by most of SG-1 had worn off.
"I can't believe we argued about M&M's," Sam said with a groan.
"I can't believe I called you Jacko," Daniel said eyeing Jack with embarrassment.
Janet, Teal'c, General Hammond, and Nya all entered the room.
"How do you all feel?" Hammond asked.
"Like crap," Jack answered.
"What's crap?" Nya asked.
"In it's true form it means the excretions you make after eating. But figuratively, it mean he doesn't feel well," Teal'c explained.
"Huh?"
"Well, the good news is we are in the process of relocating the children from Nya's planet," Janet said with a smile, and ignoring the conversation Teal'c was having with Nya.
Nya went up to Sam and gave her a hug. "I'll miss you, Sam."
Sam hugged her back. "I'll miss you too. But I bet the people that look after you at your new home will be wonderful."
Nya proceeded to give everyone in the room a hug, and then everyone headed for the gate room.
Teal'c went up the ramp with Nya and proceeded to the planet with her.
"I can't believe some of the things we did while we were acting like children," Sam said to Jack.
"Oh, I dunno," Jack said with a grin that made Sam blush. "I enjoyed that game of tag we had. And I still have some of your cooties."
Fin
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