Hope
Hope
by Rainbow
Title: Hope
Author: Rainbow
Email: kaliasmuse@hotmail.com
Category: Angst, MissingScene/Epilogue, Series
Episode related: 101 Children of the gods
Season: Season 1
Pairing: Daniel/Share
Rating: G
Warnings: none
Summary: Daniel searches for forgiveness and finds a new purpose to go on living.
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author(s).
Dear Sha're,
The words leapt out from the whiteness of the paper, and the dark lines of the letters called out to him enticingly as he stared at them, written in his own familiar script. Daniel glanced toward the clock perched on a corner of his desk; its digital display reading 3 am as it glowed crimson in the dusky lamplight. To the left of the clock stood the unopened bottle of sleeping pills Dr Fraiser had given him; they taunted him, laughing at his continuing insomnia and dependency upon them to sleep. One ink-stained hand hurriedly shoved them into a draw, silencing their mockery and removing the temptation to take the easy route and drift back into unconsciousness in a single action. It seemed utterly inane, writing a letter that may never be read to someone who may never receive it, but it was something he had to do. He needed to do it, if not for himself, at least for Sha're, wherever she was.
I am sorry. Sorry that I couldn't save you, sorry that I let him take you from me and the people you loved and sorry that I wasn't there when you needed me. If I could turn back the hands of time, I would never have left you there alone, I would never had allowed him to take you. I would have known better than to leave you, and I would have saved you. I promise.
Daniel paused; the words flowed easily from his mind onto the page with the easy grace of a river travelling toward the sea. It was as simple as breathing to him to make a thousand promises and declarations of what he would have done, it was accepting what had actually happened that was the problem. A frown of concentration etched itself over his features as he pondered what to write next, a confusing stream of thoughts and emotions raging inside him. It didn't matter that she may never receive his letter, nor that she may never read it; he needed to express his emotions to her somehow.
It was my fault, and all the "I would have's" in the world won't change the truth of what happened, the truth that I didn't do those things. I left you there, now you're gone, and it's all my fault. I should have known better, should have expected this, of course, Ra couldn't be the last of his race, there was bound to be others out there somewhere. I was stupid to assume that we would be safe from them, that they wouldn't be able to use the gate to travel to other places besides Earth and Abydos. A race as advanced as that would have figured how to use the gate to travel anywhere they wanted centuries ago. So much for my degree, all the PhDs in the world wouldn't have been able to prevent me from making the dumbest mistake of my life. I was blinded by wishful thinking and the belief that Abydos would be safe from evil once Ra had been killed, and that, as they say, was my biggest faux pas. I f I hadn't been so content, so sure that we were safe form harm perhaps you'd still be here with me, by my side.
The truth of the words that crowded onto the paper struck a chord deep inside of him and a dull ache filled the caverns of his heart as he continued. Images of Sha're being tortured, her face contorted in unimaginable pain began to enter into his mind unbidden, and tears welled up behind his glasses as he proceeded to pour out his soul onto the page.
I love you, Sha're. I loved you from the first moment I saw you and I never meant for you to be hurt like this. I only wanted you to live without fear, but not like this, not as a host, worshipped alongside him, and yet still his slave. I wanted you to be free, you and all your people. Free from fear and enslavement, pain and hatred to be as free as I am, sitting here now, writing this letter. That was all I ever wanted for you. I never expected you to love me, but you did, you loved me more than I could ever have imagined and that's why it hurt so much to lose you after so little time together.
The memory of the first time he had met Sha're crept into his mind, her beautiful face smiling at him as she was presented to him as a gift for saving the people of Abydos. Daniel felt a familiar rush of warmth and affection toward his wife, which pushed back the tears that threatened to spill down his face and made his next words even more difficult to write than they were already.
Forgive me, Sha're. Forgive me for I have failed both you and your people. I promised that you would be safe once Ra had gone, that there would be nothing for you to fear, but I was wrong. I lied to you, Sha're, and now I've lost the woman I love because of my lies. I'm sorry, Sha're. Sorry that I lied to you and sorry that you suffered because of my lies. All I can do is ask that one-day you can forgive me, and hope that wherever you are, you know that I am sorry that you ended up paying for my untruths with your freedom. I love you, Sha're and your forgiveness means more to me than I can say. Please, forgive me for what I have done to you.
The pen fell from his hand as the pain washed over him in an endless tidal wave, drowning him in salty tears. Her beautiful face burned in his mind's eye and the innocence in her enchanting brown eyes only served to fuel his self-hatred at not being able to save her. Daniel automatically reached for his lifeline, a cup of freshly brewed coffee sitting on the edge of his desk and swallowed its contents in one mouthful, hoping that it would numb the pain he felt inside. It didn't, and its biter aftertaste only provided him with a tasteable reminder of what he had done and his own shortcomings. He stared at the page, covered by his own spidery handwriting and pondered how he should continue, whilst silently praying for that flash of creative genius that would allow him to express his true thoughts. Minutes passed and nothing happened, so Daniel retrieved the pen from where he had dropped it and began to make labouring progress towards expressing himself.
I've lost you twice now, once on Abydos and once on Chulak. Both times I could have saved you, but I didn't; once because I couldn't do it alone and once because you didn't want me to, not if it meant death to others. I wish that I could rewrite he past, but I can't, what's done is done and there's nothing I can do to change that. Perhaps if I were a different man of these were different circumstances, then I might have given up on life and surrendered to the pain, but I'm not.
Determination and a new sense of resolution filled him as the words travelled from his mind onto the paper, becoming filled with life and poignancy as they did so. The final sentences of his letter came easily, flowing from his mind onto the page in a way that made the rest of the world fade into the background.
I refuse to give up, Sha're, refuse to become a victim. I will find you, no matter how long it takes I will find you again. Every time I travel through the Stargate I'll be searching for you and one day, I'll find you and rescue you, rescue you from him and the enslavement he's put you under and you will be safe again. We will be together once more and I will never lose you again, I promise. I love you , Sha're and I will find you. I promise, Sha're. I promise.
Your ever loving husband,
Daniel
He let the pen slip from his fingers for a second time, finally satisfied that the letter was all he wanted it to be. The pain and sorrow that had filled him, disappeared, as hope blossomed inside of him like a flower in the desert and he clung to it fiercely. Hope that one-day he would find her and that when that time came, he would be able to save her. Hope that he would be able to continue without her at his side, but still with him in his heart. It was all he had left to cling to now, hope.
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