It's Okay To Cry
It's Okay To Cry
by Allison West
TITLE: It's Okay To Cry
AUTHOR: Allison West - awest@pcpostal.com
SPOILERS: Major Spoilers for Between Two Fires, Enigma and Divide and Conquer.
RATING: PG, S/J Romance/Friendship, Hurt/Comfort
SUMMARY: Sam is finding it difficult to deal with the fate of the Tollan and Jack offers her some comfort.
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters and places are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret Productions. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: I will warn you that there is a mention of the relationship between Sam and Narim. It is pretty major, but I don't really refer to it as being anything too serious, however, I do acknowledge that there was something there. Please don't let this fact put you off reading the story though, because I think it's still a good look into the S/J relationship. Feedback would be great.
DEDICTION: To the Tollan. I hope that they're okay.
It was late in the SGC, darkness had fallen on the surface. It was quite, the halls were still, there was none of the activity seen during the day. The base was a peaceful place at night, you could almost forget that it was the centre of activity for the most important project ever undertaken by the US government. It always amazed Sam what went on twenty-eight floors down in the depths of Cheyeene Mountain. They were very lucky in their careers. After five years of travelling among the stars Sam had forgotten just how amazing it was to do what they did. Travelling to other planets had become as normal as waking up in the morning. It became such a part of your life that you no longer realised how important your work really was. They had travelled the galaxy, making the most important discoveries in the history of man. They saw the most amazing things and met the most amazing people. Friends and allies, enemies and adversaries. The sheer scope of what they were doing didn't seem so grand when you dealt with it everyday, when it became part of your schedule...when it became your life, and it was hard when you lost people who had become a part of that life.
Sam sat quietly at her desk, her head hurt and she was tired. The light from the small desk lamp shone softly in the room. She was going through the final draft of her report of their mission that day to Tollana. General Hammond was expecting the reports by tomorrow morning. Sam usually had no trouble writing her reports, even for the most complex situations she could always recall with a clear head what had happened. This report was different. It had been hard to think about what had transpired with a clear head. She kept thinking about what had happened. It had all started out as a harmless trip to Omoc's funeral. They were there to pay homage to a man who had been a great leader among his people. They could never have imagined that their trip would trigger the unravelling of a major conspiracy and bring to light the corruption of the Tollan government. On top of that, they could never have imagined that not even two days later Tollana would be destroyed by the Goa'uld. 'If the Tollan can't survive a Goa'uld attack what hope does that leave for the rest of us?', she thought. As she read through the report she noticed how she had omitted several things. She hadn't included her last conversation with Narim. The memory flashed in her mind. Standing there on the steps ready to leave as fireballs rained down from the skies. Her heart became weak and tears pricked at the back of her eyes as she had recalled their final moments.
"You're not coming with us?", she had questioned him.
"No, I have started this, the least I can do is stay and fight with my people".
She understood why he couldn't go with them, what she couldn't get past was the fact that now they didn't know whether or not he was alive or dead. That thought made Sam sick. Narim was a good man, he didn't deserve to die. He had helped make their two worlds come together as allies and as friends. He had shown her that there were people out there who were nothing like the Goa'uld, people who cared about life and cherished their existence. But most of all, he had shown her that she could be loved. Her eyes glistened with tears as she remember the times that they had spent together. Their first meeting on Tollan when she had saved his life and he had thought she was an angel. She put the report down on the desk and opened the bottom drawer on her left. Reaching into the draw, her hands felt around for the thing she was looking for. She grasped a small metallic object in her fingers and pulled it out. She brought it up to look at. In her palm sat the small recording device that Narim had given her during his first time on Earth. It had recorded his feelings...his feelings for her. She toyed with the device in her hand, recalling the moments in which he had given it to her. Pressing her fingers down on the small symbols on the surface, she closed her eyes, recalling the time that they had spent together. All his feelings flowed through her like a current of electricity. She felt his heart and his soul. She remembered their times together, short as they were and she recalled their brief kiss with a warm happiness. She had taught him so much, about Earth, about life and about himself, and he had shared with her a common love of the beauties of science and of nature. Although she no longer felt a romantic connection to this man, she still felt a deep love of friendship towards him. He had been a brief light in her life, the first person she had ever had any real feelings for after Jonas. She knew that it had been hard to believe that she could feel this for someone she had hardly known at the time, but she cherished the memory. It had been something that she could acknowledge to herself and not try to deny, like she denied her love for Jack.
She prayed that he was alive, that she would see him again, but a sick feeling of hopelessness washed over her. The quiet tears fell from her eyes and trickled down her face. She couldn't get the image out of her mind of him standing there on the steps as she ran away. That last glance of him as the explosions started behind him. His voice in the last transmission. They should have done more, she told herself. They should have done more. The tears now fell with greater force and she didn't try and hold them back. She sobbed, burying her face in her hands, unable to contain her grief.
Jack was walking down the corridors of the SGC late in the night, his hands stuffed in his pockets in the usual fashion. He needed to clear his head. The place was quiet, deserted even. He had been thinking too hard about the events that had transpired just hours earlier and he needed to get away from his office. The drab surroundings of his office made him even more depressed than he was already feeling. He couldn't get over what had happened. The Tollan were in trouble. The race of aliens whom they had looked up to and seen as technologically advanced, had been destroyed at the hands of the Goa'uld. It seemed no one was immune from an attack. Their whole world had been wiped out an now no one knew where their fate rested.
As he walked quietly down the corridors of Level 16, he saw a thin light shining from down the end of the hall. It was coming from Carter's office. She was obviously still awake, probably trying to get her report done as he had been. He thought he'd drop in and see what she was doing. As he approached the door her heard a sound and he strained his ears to listen. He concentrated on the sound and realised that, yes, it was the sound of someone crying. 'Sam must be crying', he thought. He knew it had been a rough day for her, for all of them, but her knew that it as especially hard on Carter because of the close friendship that her and Narim had shared. He recalled the look on her face in the control room as the transmission from the Tollan Long Range Communication Device had ceased and Narim's voice terminated. She had looked upset, but of course being the professional she was, would not show her feelings at the time. He edged closer to the open door and peered around the corner. She sat at her desk, her head buried in her hands, crying softly. He body racked with pain and she shuddered as the tears fell. The picture of her sitting there crying nearly broke his heart. 'It must be hard for her', he thought. 'She really needs someone to talk to'. He tapped softly on the hard surface of her door. She heard the noise and looked up at him..
"Colonel, sir...", she started, trying to regain her composure, frantically wiping the tears off her face with her sleeve. "I'm sorry I didn't know you were there, I was....".
"It's okay, Carter", he interrupted her softly, walking into the room and closing the door. He walked over and sat down on the small sofa that was pushed up against the wall to the right of her desk.
"Is there something I can do for you, sir?", she asked him, her voice still shaky.
"You can come over here and sit down and tell me what's wrong", he stated simply.
"Nothing's wrong sir, I just..."
"Don't pull that crap with me, Carter. I know you, and I saw you crying, so you can either get your butt over here and talk to me about it, or you sit here all night, feeling terrible and miserable". He looked at her closely. It wasn't an order, she knew that and he knew that, but it was the only way he knew how to get her to talk about it. She kept things so close to herself and rarely shared anything with anybody, muchless him. He was the same, he knew what it was like, not to be able to talk about something, but wanting the release that came from getting something out in the open. "Now, which is it going to be?", he added gently.
She looked at him and realised that she really had no choice in the matter. He sat there looking at her intently. He knew her too well, he knew that she was hurting and he was offering his help in the only way he knew how. She got up out of her chair and joined him on the couch. They sat for several minutes in silence.
"Sam", he started softly, taking her hand in his. "I know this is hard. We're still all in shock from what happened today..."
"I know", she interrupted, her voice choked. "But I shouldn't let my emotions get in the way, it's totally unprofessional..."
"Says, who? Sometimes it's a good thing to get emotional. It shows how much you care.", he paused, trying to get the right words out. "I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's okay to cry". He gently rubbed her hand with his thumb. She allowed him to gently caress her hand, it was a nice comfort. He sat there, waiting for her to talk. She would when she was ready.
"I just can't the picture out of my mind", she broke down covering her mouth with her hand, trying to hold the tears in, but failing miserably. Jack held her hand tighter. "The Goa'uld were bombing the city and he was standing there looking at me. I don't know if he's dead or alive, or if he's hurt. I just want to know that he's okay, if I'll ever see him again". She wiped at her eyes again, ashamed that she couldn't control her emotions. "It's not fair that they do this. I hate the Goa'uld, I hate them so much. They just kill, life means nothing to them.", she sobbed. Jack's heart melted, it was so hard to see her like this. She was so strong all the time, and it was a new experience for him to see her break down and give way to her emotions. He put his arm around her and enveloped her in a hug, pulling her back and leaning against the sofa. She didn't resist him, instead she buried her head in his chest and cried. He rubbed her back gently and whispered in her ear.
"Sssshhh, it's okay, let it out", he whispered softly. "Let it out...". She cried for several more minutes, until she had no tears left in her. Jack still held her in his arms as her breathing became more normal and she calmed down. Her head rested under his chin as she wiped her puffy eyes. They sat there in silence, he caressed her hair with is hand as she settled down.
"He was in love with me", she whispered, her voice barely audible as she acknowledge the fact to him.
"Did you love him?", Jack asked softly.
"I thought I did...once...before...before...", she couldn't finish the sentence. She wasn't ready to acknowledge to him how she really felt. They hadn't spoken of it since that day when they left it in the room.
"Before?", he pressed her for a conclusion. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes, taking pleasure in the feel of his soft caress against her hair.
"Before this *thing* happened between us", she said.
His heart lightened at those words. It was nice to know that she still had those feelings. It had been so long since they had admitted that there was something more than friendship between them. The fact that they couldn't do anything about it had become a reality that they just accepted, so they both tried not to think about it. But it was good to know that it was still there, no matter how deeply they had buried it. It gave him a sense of joy to know that she cared about him the way he cared about her.
"Do you think they're okay, Jack?", she asked him softly.
"I don't know, Sam, but we have to believe that they are...otherwise were not going to able to go through that ring everyday if we're worrying about them. And if we can't do that then our fate will become the same as theirs".
She listened to his words. He was so wise, it was a part of him she rarely saw. He always pretended to be less smarter than he actually was. She could feel the rise and fall of his chest under her cheek. He was tired. They both were. She couldn't stop herself from yawning. Jack heard her soft yawn and decided that they should get some sleep. Without removing his arm from around her, he gently sprawled them out on the sofa. Her head rested on his chest as he held her close to him. She didn't protest his action, instead she just closed her eyes and draped her arm over his stomach. Jack felt content as he closed his eyes. Silently they fell asleep as the heat from the filament of the desk lamp burned out, leaving them in darkness.
The End
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