After Forever
by Wonderland
Summary: If there was one thing Jack hated, it was feeling helpless.
Category: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Missing Scene/Epilogue
Episode Related: 310 Forever in a Day, 311 Past and Present
Season: Season 3
Pairing: Daniel/Sha're, Daniel/other
Rating: FAM
Warnings: none
Author's Notes: Although I have previously done a story to try to explain Daniel's actions in "Past and Present”, I have always wanted to do something a bit more in depth.
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. This story was created for entertainment purposes only. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author(s).
Archived on: 02/10/07
Even though I told Daniel repeatedly we would find her, part of me knew this was how it was going to end, couldn't happen any other way. Call me cynical but I never held any hope we would find Sha're alive, or in any form where she would ever love Daniel again. Try as I might, I cannot bring to mind the memory of a pretty, dark-haired girl who laid a lip lock on Daniel at the Abydos gate; that image is forever superimposed by Amanuet's cold beauty as she stood silent and still, uncaring, while Apophis attacked Daniel in that dark cell, moving only to defend Apophis against us. For me, Sha're ceased to exist at that moment.
I found myself wishing she had died there on Abydos instead of being taken. Cold, I know, but it's true. I would have moved Heaven and Earth to have avoided today.
A day that was inevitable.
Daniel lies beside her body, touching her face over and over, murmuring softly. Automatically, I pocket his gun before kneeling to grasp his wrist. "Daniel." He sluggishly turns to look at me, his expression puzzled as if he's unsure of who I am, why I have intruded in his world, a world that his mind has encapsulated to the point that it contains only two people.
I hate to ask him to do this, after what so obviously just happened, but I don't have any choice. "Teal'c, can you take..?" I can't bring myself to call her Sha're.
"I can, O'Neill."
"Carter." She's right at my elbow. "Help me with Daniel. Come on, buddy, let's get you up." He resists, but he's too deeply in shock for his struggles to be effective. Carter and I easily lift him, pulling him away from the body.
He turns back, as if he can't bear to lose sight of her.
"Don't worry, we won't leave her. Come on, Daniel." I keep moving, tugging him along. Just do what you have to do, I keep telling myself. Get Daniel up, get him home, and get him to Fraiser. Once we get him clear of the tent, ease him down onto the ground, I beckon Carter over. "Check him out. I need to let Hammond know what's going down." I walk away, call for Dawson to dial the gate and I relay the message to the general; I don't have to ask him to give Daniel his privacy, he knows what needs to be done
I watch Teal'c bearing the body, watch the shroud dance with obscene gaiety in the breeze before I come back to myself, take Daniel's arm and lead him home.
*
Hammond, bless him, has done his best, he and Doc are the only two in an eerily silent gate room waiting. She falters briefly, her fractured eyes automatically following the lifeless bundle Teal'c is carrying out of the room before the doctor in her takes over and she strides up to Daniel.
"Colonel?"
"She ribboned him, Doc. That's all I can tell you. Teal'c may know more." She motions for us to lower him to the gurney and he suddenly comes to life, starts fighting. "Daniel," I chastise him. "Stop. Let Fraiser help you." It takes all three of us to hold him until Fraiser with great reluctance sedates him.
It doesn't escape my notice that he hasn't uttered a single word since we found him in that tent.
* We stand, silent, as Teal'c tries to relay without emotion what transpired. For the life of me, I don't think I have ever seen him in tears before today. Carter's stopped trying to pretend to be tough, the tears continually streaming down her face.
Even though I know she's distraught, the doc is in all-out professional mode. She refuses to let us stay with Daniel. No matter how I argue, she maintains that he doesn't need us hovering over him, doesn't need any more guilt; he needs to be left alone.
"Alone is the last thing he needs to be."
"I'm moving him out of the infirmary into a private room."
Finally, she's showing some sense. "So we'll sit there with him."
"No, you won't. You will go and debrief General Hammond. Dr. Jackson is in shock as well as being injured. He needs to rest."
Finally, she pulls rank and has the three of us kicked out of the infirmary.
*
Going to a funeral has never been my idea of a good time. Going to a funeral where an armed military escort is required is no better. Going to the funeral of my best friend's wife is the worst yet.
Daniel is flawless, performs the moving ceremony with his innately quiet dignity, eyes concealed behind dark glasses, hood drawn so low that most of his face is covered. I don't pretend to know much about Heaven and all that stuff, but I figure anyone who had been through what she had, deserves a sweet ride on the other side. Hope she gets it.
Kasuf is attentive, it's plain he's hanging on for dear life to this last tie to his daughter. The Abydonians we managed to save crowd around, they will always adore him. Carter and Fraiser both envelop him in long, hard hugs. Teal'c stands by, unwilling to approach Daniel, who without hesitation reaches out and cups Teal'c's face in one of those gentle hands in a gesture that has unexpected tears springing to my eyes.
I wait my turn patiently until I have Daniel to myself. I want him to know he's got us; he knows that under normal circumstances but today he might not remember. I grab him, hold on so he can't escape, lean in so that he can hear me whisper. "Daniel, we're right here. I don't want you to ever, ever, forget that you are not in this alone. Okay?" He finally nods, acknowledging that he not only hears me, but understands what I'm saying to him.
I hate the way he has himself shielded so I jerk the hood off his head, the glasses from his face, exposing him to the bright sunlight, messing up his hair in the way I know annoys him so much. He tries to pull away, but I hold him close to me, won't let him go. I hear a choked breath behind me that sounds suspiciously like a sob. It's either Carter or Fraiser or maybe both of them.
*
I know he wants to stay on Abydos for a few days, but the general and I agree that it simply isn't safe. If Apophis has heard about Amanuet's death, and I'm betting he has, he'll be after both Teal'c and Daniel with even more vengeance. Hence, the armed guards at the service. No, Daniel's coming back home with us. Even Kasuf sees the logic and he takes Daniel aside and speaks to him, arguing that the risk is far too great.
We make a mighty odd procession back to the gate. We've got four units for honor guard, two on point and two on our six, since none of SG-1 are officially armed. Unofficially, I'm packing a Beretta and T, who has assigned himself as Daniel's personal guard, has a zat tucked under his robe. Carter might be sniffling and in full dress uniform with high heels but I'd be shocked if there's not a weapon concealed on her person somewhere.
The general sidles up to me. "Is he going to be alright, Jack?"
"You know Daniel, sir. He'll bounce back." We both look over at him, plodding along slowly with his very large shadow hovering, no doubt feeling useless, at his side.
"Even though he assured me he's able to return to work, I've taken Dr. Fraisers's advice and ordered him to take at least a week."
My mouth turns up slightly. "Yeah, I'd like to see you actually keep him off base for a week."
*
Two days later I get a heads-up from the front gate that Dr. Daniel Jackson just signed in. Well, two days is two days longer than I thought he'd stay away. I've been going by his place after work just to check on him, make sure he's eating and stuff. I've tripped over both Carter and Fraiser.
In his kitchen, there was home-baked pie, fried chicken, fresh fruit and some kind of weird Jell-O concoction. With Doc, it's the southern thing to do; for some odd reason, they bring food for the grieving family, I don't get that. Carter, well, I think she feels helpless and just doesn't know what else to do for him.
I give him time to get to his office, then nonchalantly wander in. He sits there, just looking at the cards and notes that have been left in his office, there must be at least a hundred of them. "Hey." I let my hand linger on his shoulder before I sit beside him.
"What am I supposed to do with all this stuff?"
"Maybe Carter?" This kind of thing really isn't my strong suit, plus it will give Carter something to occupy her time.
He looks surprised that I don't have all the answers. Gotta new flash for you, Daniel, I never did. "I hate to ask her."
"She'll be thrilled, trust me. So, how are you?"
"I'm not really sure, to be honest."
"No one expects you to just go on like nothing ever happened. Your wife died, Daniel. You need to take some time, let yourself grieve."
"Did you?" In ordinary circumstances, he would never have asked me that.
I sigh heavily, staring at one of the cards. Oddly enough, that looks like Siler's handwriting. "No. No, I didn't. The day after we buried Charlie, I showed up at the base like nothing had ever happened. Not the smartest thing I've ever done, Daniel. I didn't give myself time and you know better than anyone how that turned out. Don't do that to yourself, please. Take the time you need, talk to whoever you need to talk to, do what you need to do." Even though he doesn't have to clear Sha're's things out of his apartment, she will always be there in every corner of his life, a memory ready to pounce when his defenses are down, when he least expects it. "You know you can always call me, day or night, anytime you need me, right?"
"I know, Jack. Did I say thank you?"
"For what?"
"For helping bring Sha're home?" He's fumbling with one of the cards, won't look at me.
"I just wish it could have worked out differently."
"I know that, Jack. If there was any way we could have brought her back alive, I know you would have done anything. You and Sam and T..Teal'c. So, thanks. For everything." We sit silently for a long time before he speaks again. "Does it get easier?"
The lie sticks in my throat. I want to be able to tell him that there's a magic number. That after X-amount of days, life takes over and the grief automatically gets hung in the back of the closet, to be kept there in the dark. But I can't lie to him, especially not now. "Easier isn't the word I'd use, Daniel. You get through, you learn to just get through each day and not think about how many more days you might have to get through." Christ, I didn't mean to say that! I should know I don't have to tell him just how heavy grief can be, how it weighs down the heart.
He nods, finally looking at me. "I want to come back to work, Jack."
I don't even consider arguing with him before I squeeze his shoulder once again as I stand. "I'll talk to Hammond. You know Doc's gonna have to clear you first?" He nods. "Call her, Daniel. Just tell her what you need to do. I think she'll understand."
*
I go to my office first, I have to collect myself. Present a rational, reasonable argument to Hammond about why he should let Daniel come back after only two days. The fact that I know where Daniel is coming from probably isn't going to make this debate any more reasonable.
I know what's going on inside him. The guilt and grief are warring for his soul. There are times that our lives mirror each other so completely that it's scary. Both of us blithely handed our loved ones the weapons that ended their lives; they trusted us and we let them down. I don't ever forget that and Daniel is no different. He, however, has the added guilt of knowing what Sha're endured before she died. At least I can take some crumb of comfort from the fact that Charlie didn't suffer.
*
Don't do this, Daniel, please don't do this! I want to grab him, shake him, tell him it won't help. But I see him talking to the pretty blonde, actually smiling at her. To a casual observer, he might even look happy. But I know Daniel far too well to think that, I know what he's trying to do, how his mind convinces him that this will help. I know better and I also know when he crashes, he'll come down hard. And maybe he needs to. But that doesn't stop me from trying to warn him. He walks away from me without a backwards glance, his spine stiff and straight.
*
I am torn between wanting to kill him for shielding her from my gun and wanting to hug him because despite his pain, he's still trying to do the right thing. He walks away from the gate room without looking at any of us. Carter gives me the eye and I shake my head. Best to leave him alone. For now anyway.
*
I give him two hours only to find out he left the base. I head over to his apartment, needing to see for myself how he is. There is no noise from within when I knock so I ruthlessly use the emergency key he gave me and let myself in to hunt for him. My search ends when I find him sitting in the kitchen floor. I approach him cautiously. "Daniel?" He jumps in surprise, then buries his head on his drawn up knees. "Not the first time I've see you cry, you know." Although I know it's gonna hurt later, I lower myself to sit beside him.
Finally he speaks. "I couldn't do it!"
"Couldn't do what?" My hand is drawn to the back of his head like a homing beacon.
"Why couldn't I? There wasn't anything to stop me. It wasn't like I was m.." He chokes back a sob.
"Not like you were what, Daniel?" This cruel to be kind stuff really, really sucks.
"M...m..married," he finally manages. Then it's like the dam breaks. "I wasn't married, she wanted m..m..me. I should have been able to.." He sucks in a ragged breath. "All I could think, all I could see was.."
I pull him over so that his head is on my chest. "Shhh, it's alright, just let it out." And he does, sobbing there on his kitchen floor, crying for the wife he lost far too soon.
*
There is quite a pile of wadded up paper towels on the floor half an hour later. He is still crying weakly, his face blotched, eyes swollen nearly shut. Figuring the crash I dreaded is imminent; I maneuver both of us up from the floor. "Come on, Danny." He is as obedient as a child, lets me lead him to the bathroom to gently wash his face before guiding him to his bedroom, stripping him to his underwear and depositing him under the covers. I leave him for a minute to investigate his medicine chest, if I know her..yep, there they are, sleeping pills the doc gave him. I shake out two, fill a glass of water and return. "Here, Daniel, take these." He doesn't even question, opens his mouth and swallows the pills and the water.
He quiets almost instantly, but I stay, sit on the edge of the bed, playing with his hair, whispering quietly to him as he sleeps.
"Jack." I jolt, I was positive he was asleep, the only way he would, under normal circumstances, have put up with my hovering. "What happens after forever?"
I keep stroking his head. "You keep your promise to her, Daniel. You live."
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