Filling The Blanks
Filling The Blanks
by KD
Summary: Jacks come to a decision, but what does Sam think?
Category: Angst, Future Story, Romance
Season: future Season
Pairing: Jack/Sam
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: none
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author(s).
Archived on: 08/06/03
Authors Notes:
Feedback is wanted, constructed criticism welcomed.
FILLING THE BLANKS
The envelope weighed heavily in his hand, far more so in fact than one thin sheet of paper and it's slightly denser container ever should. The choice had been coming for quite a while now, a final decision between continuing with his career, or sacrificing the few years he might have left to take a chance on finding something better.
In truth, it had been an easy decision to make. The choice between life in the Air Force and life with Sam was stark and extremely simple: Remain on active duty and have Sam as no more than a colleague; leave, and perhaps - just perhaps, mind - what was real in so many of the alternate realities might become real in this one, his one, the only one that really mattered.
The letter that actually tendered the resignation of his commission - though couched in terms of retirement - had been written some time before. Only the dates had been left blank until such time as Jack saw fit to fill them in, and he now wondered whether the time really had arrived for him to do just that.
So much had happened since he first wrote that letter, he realised, much more stuff than he could ever have imagined; some of it good, most of it not.
When the letter had been written and placed in the unsealed white envelope, he had not yet been tortured to death and resurrected by Baal. When he had placed that same envelope in the drawer of his desk and left his study, Sam had not yet been subjected to Niirti's DNA re-sequencing device; Daniel had not yet been fatally exposed to radiation and finally ascended; Jack himself had not even known that Jonas Quinn or his world existed; and, hell, come to that, he hadn't yet found himself on the brink of doing business with the quasi-Nazis of Euronda, an episode that had made him take a good long look at himself and decide he didn't particularly like what he saw.
Above and beyond all this, however, he had a peculiar feeling - a impression that bordered on a certainty - that failing to act now would somehow result in him losing Sam forever, that if he hesitated or lingered too long over the decision at hand, then in five or ten years' time Sam would have been removed from his reach by someone who would have met her and acted on the attraction there and then. Sam was a beautiful woman, intelligent, independent, and often very quick-witted. Several alien males had displayed an interest, and it was either ironic or disturbing - depending upon how you looked at it - that there didn't seem to be the same level of interest at home.
Still, that was their loss, Jack thought, although it still surprised him that someone like Sam could slip by most of the male population almost unnoticed.
Eventually, however, she would have an effect on someone, and she would be lost to all others. The more Jack thought of that day and how it would make him feel, the more he could see the lonely, embittered and cynical old man he could become because of it.
That, in truth, was the real choice, he realised. Get out now, miss the action and excitement, but possibly have Sam; or stay put, keep second-guessing every decision - as he seemed to have been doing just lately - stay in the loop that was slowly eating away at the core of humanity inside the man, and eventually become a lonesome, crabby old bastard when the USAF finally said thanks for everything and dispensed with his services.
On the face of it, the choice was easy, because there really was no choice to be made. As always, however, the devil was in the details, such as what he would do if Sam spurned his advance, or told him it was already too late and she had been secretly dating some physicist or something. What would he do then? Fish and mope, wishing all the time for just one more crack at the Goa'uld?
Jack sighed, weighing the letter in his hand once more as though his appendage was a set of scales that could somehow determine his fate.
Finally, he committed himself to action, and in a quick flurry of movement, he slipped the single page from the envelope, opened it out, and reached for his pen, uncapping it in an efficient, unhurried manner before smoothing out the sheet of paper once again and sitting there, pen poised, running everything through his mind one more time before finally committing himself to scrawling that final, flourishing signature.
Two nights later, Jack, Teal'C and Daniel were lounging around in Jack's living room, two of them nursing beers as they talked.
Teal'C currently sat motionless, the expression on his face making it appear as though the larval Goa'uld he carried was performing gymnastics in his gut, while Daniel merely looked faintly stunned behind the lenses of his glasses.
"It's no wonder you didn't invite Sam," Daniel finally said, looking at the bottle in his hand as thought the beer had been suddenly transformed into some bitter, poisonous brew.
"Indeed," Teal'C intoned. "Had Major Carter been aware of this..."
Jack took a pull from his bottle. "I know it's come as a bit of a shock, guys," he said. "But the truth is, I want more from life than what I have now. Surely you can understand that? Besides, I'm not as good as I used to be."
"Jack, that's not true,"; "You are still a formidable warrior, O'Neill," Daniel and Teal'C protested in unison, before glancing at each other in silent apology for speaking over the other.
"Thanks guys, but look; T, you've got your son. That alone means you've got something to look forward to when all this ends -"
"Hold it, Jack," Daniel said. "If you're gonna play it that way, just tell me what it is you think I have. Sha're's dead. I failed to keep my promise. If you're going to play the 'I who have nothing' card, you tell me what I've got that you haven't."
Jack sighed. "Daniel, look at you. You're what? Thirty-something? Okay, Sha're's gone, and no one could be more sorry about that than I am. But the important thing is, you're still young enough to find someone else at some point in the future and do all the other things you want to do with your life and career. Besides, being a civilian, there are no rules and regulations that are going to stop you being with whomever you choose."
Daniel nodded slowly as he mulled what Jack had just said over. "So this is about Sam," he said, already fully aware of the dynamic between the two officers. Of course, he'd have to have been deaf and stupid, not just blind, not to have been aware of the energy that often sparked and crackled between SG-1's commander and 2IC, and the last thing that Dr. Daniel Jackson was was stupid. Not to mention deaf or blind.
"No," Jack protested, and re-considered. "Yes." A pause again. "I mean, maybe. Aw, hell, I don't know!"
"Sounded like it to me, Jack," Daniel countered. "What about you, Teal'C?"
"I must agree, Daniel Jackson," the Jaffa said without diverting his attention from O'Neill.
"Okay," Jack conceded. "It's about Sam." He glanced between the two of them anxiously, feeling uncomfortable with their presence for what was probably the first time ever. "Look, I know I've not been fooling anyone about how I feel -"
"You have nevertheless remained completely professional, O'Neill," Teal'C said. "You have never let how you feel regarding Major Carter to affect a mission."
"And we've always known that whatever you do for Sam, you'd do for us too," Daniel added. "We're a team, you're its leader, and while I don't - I can't - agree with some of the decisions you've made, I have to say you've led it well."
Jack felt his face colour slightly with embarrassment. As far as he had been concerned, he'd only ever been doing what he was told and paid to do. Of course he was loyal to his team and would do almost anything to ensure that they all got back, preferably in one piece, but there was still the basic fact that the missions that they and the other SG teams undertook were often dangerous, always unpredictable and had frequently proven fatal - as Daniel himself had discovered on a mission that was supposed to have been as safe as they come.
"I do my best," Jack mumbled. "Sometimes it's not good enough." This last was accompanied by a guilty glance in Daniel's direction. For some reason he had never -and probably would never - fathom, Jack felt responsible for the events leading up to Daniel's 'ascension'. It was made worse by the fact that he had been the one to tell Selmac and Janet to let Daniel go, despite it being what his friend had wanted.
"There was nothing you could have done, Jack," Daniel said softly. "It happened. It wasn't your fault. Forget about it."
"Yeah, but -"
"Daniel Jackson is correct, O'Neill," Teal'C cut in. "You did everything that you possibly could, as you always do. It is simply the nature of our tasks to be difficult or dangerous. You do what you can to make them less so." Teal'C paused and eyed his friend with something close to open admiration. "It is a strength of which I speak, O'Neill. Not everyone has it. You are one of a very few men who I would willingly follow into battle. It was this quality within you that I recognised on Chulak. It was for that reason that I finally found the strength to openly denounce Apophis and the rest of the Goa'uld as the false Gods that they are."
Silence hung in the room after the Jaffa had stopped speaking. Teal'C was usually a man of few words, so his last few sentences practically constituted a speech. It left both O'Neill and Jackson at a temporary loss for words.
"In any case," Daniel finally murmured, "no one would deny you the chance of happiness, Jack. It just seems a little...extreme...to retire so you can get it."
Jack fixed the archaeologist with a direct stare. "Extreme? I love her, Daniel, and the only way I can be with her is if one of us gives up our career. I'm older than she is, and the Air Force is changing. She's more valuable than I am. The Air Force today needs people like Sam, whereas people like me...well, we're close to becoming obsolete. Besides, I could never ask her to give up her career just for me."
Daniel stared back at O'Neill for a long moment before finally nodding his comprehension. Again, though, the atmosphere between them seemed to become leaden. No one seemed to know quite what to say, and Jack wasn't at all surprised when his companions made their excuses and left.
With the door closed behind them, Jack watched as they walked along the path, talking animatedly - or rather, Daniel was talking animatedly - as they went, and Jack wondered what exactly they were saying to one another, wishing he knew for certain what his friends truly thought.
"He's what?" Sam exploded, causing Daniel to flinch and Teal'C to raise an eyebrow as he looked askance at the man sitting next to him on the sofa.
"He's retiring," Daniel repeated to the now pacing Sam, before hiding behind the large mug of coffee that Sam had insisted he have. Right then, he was grateful for it. It gave him something to concentrate on other than the baleful stare she tried to fix him with.
"But...why? How? I mean, he can't!" she practically yelled.
"I think he already has," came Daniel's calm reply.
"But I can't understand why he'd do this," Sam said, her shock and disbelief deflating her anger rapidly, so lost in her own thoughts and feelings that she completely missed the significant look that passed between the two men.
"It is my understanding that he wishes to end his career and pursue something else," Teal'C said, drawing Sam's gaze.
"That's it exactly," Daniel nodded when she turned that same gaze to him. "He just wants something more from life, something that he thinks is missing right now."
"Something more?" Sam echoed. "What more could he want? What does he think is 'missing'?" She glared at the seated pair as though the weight of her stare alone could force answers from them before eventually continuing; "Colonel O'Neill has a great career. He's doing something that is not only important to the US and the Air Force, but to the entire world also. He's respected...well, he's respected and even liked throughout the galaxy - countless galaxies, thanks to the Asgard. How many men can say that? And yet that's still not enough?"
Daniel glanced at Teal'C again and sighed in resignation. "Apparently not, Sam," he said. "I just don't think all that's important to him, or at least, not as important as his happiness is. I don't know, maybe if Charlie hadn't been killed..."
"So you're saying he's lonely?" Sam countered.
"No! No, that's not it," Daniel protested. "I think that maybe he's afraid of being lonely in the future, though."
"I do not feel that this has been an easy time for O'Neill, Major Carter," Teal'C announced. "Retiring - knowing well that he will never again be permitted to travel through the Stargate - will not have been a decision made lightly."
"Teal'C's right," Daniel added quickly before Sam could speak. "He never would have done it unless he thought it would ultimately be worthwhile."
"But what has he got to gain?" Sam demanded of them, and this time was all too aware of the significance of their reaction. Teal'C for once refused to meet the challenge in her stare, choosing instead to stare away toward some distant point on the far side of time, while Daniel's eyes became fixed to his shoes, or else he studied his fingernails in minute detail.
"What's going on, guys?" Sam asked, quietly.
Daniel glanced up at her quickly. "I think you'd better ask Jack that," was all he said.
The sound of slick tyres braking quickly to a halt on wet tarmac. An engine being quickly turned off. The beep of a horn as it is knocked by an elbow made careless by haste, that sound followed all too soon by the harsh thud of a car door being slammed and the hurried, somehow angry clack of heeled boots on a flagstone path...Jack knew who would be at the door before he was even halfway to it, the hard rapping on the wood making him wince a little as he sauntered over to admit the fury.
"Why, Jack?" Sam demanded as she stormed into the room, all manners and protocol forgotten. "Why are you retiring? What's going on?"
"Well, hello to you, too, Carter," Jack said, closing the door and turning to face her with an expression of aloofness he scarcely felt. "I take it you want to talk."
She glowered at him. "You take it... You take it..." she spluttered.
Jack thrust his hands into his pockets and maintained his calm, collected posture, waiting her out. "Can I assume you've had visitors?" he asked, silently vowing to exact some form of revenge on Daniel and Teal'C. "A certain Jaffa and doctor of archaeology, perhaps?"
"You're retiring?" Sam said, her anger again burning itself out quickly in the face of his calm, the waters of resignation and despairing acceptance serving to douse the few remaining embers.
Jack nodded. "Yes," he said.
"But why?" Sam whispered.
"I have my reasons," Jack said, thinking - not for the first time - that for such a smart woman, Sam could be awfully - yet wonderfully - dumb at times.
"But you're so important to what we do, Jack!" she protested. "The team needs you. The SGC needs you. Earth needs you!"
Jack continued to regard her in silence, his evident calm beginning to irk her, goading her into open anger once again. Sam fought to rein it in.
"Look at it this way, then," she pleaded. "Where would we be without you, Colonel? If it weren't for you, where would we stand with the Asgard, or any of a half-dozen other races? We need you. You're too important to our efforts against the Goa'uld to just walk away!"
"And what about what I want, Carter? Did any of you ever stop to think of that?" Jack snapped back, unintentionally raising his voice as the seemingly universal lack of concern for his needs and desires finally snapped his temper and sapped the well of his self-control. "Carter...Sam, I couldn't care a damn about the politics of the galaxy. I don't care what the Asgard think, or the Tollan, or anyone else. When I retire, sure, I'll miss the action, but it's time for me to think about my life and what I want from the future."
"But you have a life and a future now, sir! It's through the Gate and -"
"Sam, stop. Just listen to what I'm saying, will ya? Look, I know what I mean to the program. I know what I've been doing these last few years has been important, and still is. Thing is, all my life that's been the way it's been. Every mission has been important, Sam. Everything I've ever done has been for some reason, each more important than the last. It has to end sometime. It has to end here. I want a normal life. I want to come home and have something more to look forward to than the next mission, the next time I get to cheat death."
"But you can have that, sir!" Sam protested. "You can still have anything you want. Someone new, if you wanted -"
Jack smiled. "But not who I wanted," he said, looking at her meaningfully. "To be with that certain someone, I need to retire. It can't work otherwise."
Sam swallowed. "You can't mean me?" she said.
Jack smiled again and nodded. "But I do," he replied, and Sam felt her heart rate quicken as she was filled with a powerful need for him. Just to hold him right then would have been enough to take her breath away, and she found herself moving towards him almost against her will, a brief flutter of nerves occasionally distracting her from her craving for his touch.
It had been a long time coming, she thought as she stood before him, gazing up into his warm brown eyes.
"That's if you want me," he murmured when their faces were barely a couple of inches apart.
"I do," she breathed, aflame with the need to be kissed and held.
Their lips met gently, the kiss quickly becoming deeper before Jack pulled gently away, the action causing Sam to make a soft sound of protest as she looked into his eyes again, this time questioningly.
"I'm not retired yet," he reminded her, but she tightened her arms around him and pressed herself closer, unwilling to let go the prize that had taken so long in the claiming.
"Then I can't wait until you are," she whispered, and as they kissed again, Jack smiled inwardly, certain now that retiring had been the right thing to do, after all.
THE END.
If you enjoyed this story, please send feedback to KD
Heliopolis Main Archive
A Stargate: SG-1 Fanfiction Site
Filling The Blanks
by KDSite Navigation
Support Heliopolis