What Should Have Been - Losing the Old and Bringing of the New
What Should Have Been - Losing the Old and Bringing of the New
by Katmellie
Summary: Things don't just come in three's anymore, Jack finds out, when his mum, dad and Kate are involved in a car crash. But he has to remember, good things can come from bad things.
Category: Angst, Drama, Future Story, POV, Romance, Series
Season: future Season
Pairing: Jack/Sam
Rating: PG
Warnings: character death, minor language, violence
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author(s).
Archived on: 09/20/03
Losing the Old and Bringing of the New
Title: What Should Have Been - Losing the Old and Bringing of the New Author: Katmellie (Katmellie17)
Email: Katmellie@AOL.com (Katmellie17@Yahoo.co.uk) Category: Angst, character deaths (Not main characters). Spoilers: Not many I don't think.
Season: Future Season.
Rating: PG
Summary: Jack gets even worst news, when his parents and sister have been in a car crash, but there's something always good at the end, of the bad times. Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author. Website: http://www.geocities.com/katmellie17/index.html
With all the time there is in the world, it wouldn't surprise me, if nearly every minute someone died and someone was born. There're the people who share the same birthdays, and the tombstones that show the people, who died on the same day. So it makes me wonder, when I die who will be born to replace me, on the exact time that I take my last breath. Out there in this big wide world, and in the universe itself, there's someone being born all the time. Alien or human there's always someone new, added to the big equation of life. Someone who could one day, make a big difference out there. On some levels I believe I was one of these people, I put the snide remark in here and came up with some stupid jokes along the way, but I made a difference in some uncanny way. Now if I was talking about Sam, she's made honking differences to this world and to the universe on a whole. Carrying on the work she loves up to this date, though not as hands on as eight months ago, but she keeps them as dirty as she can.
With the house finally completed and with the three of us, living in it twenty-four hours a day, I couldn't imagine that we spent nearly a year, scattered around the place. Me trekking across most of the air space, to get back to Colorado, to spend as much time as I could, with the two of them. My main home being in Minnesota while theirs was in Colorado, sometimes coming to see me but mostly it was me, coming to them. She doesn't like to talk about the days, when I wasn't around to talk to her, telling me her rough day with a look. The puppy dog eyes, the squeezing hugs letting me know, she realises that from time to time, she takes everything she has for granted, and the times when she'll cry for no apparent reason, but I know something happened on her latest mission, hitting home with her. The first week she did back at work after the Christmas holiday, there was no stopping the tears. Seeing a girl around the age of Linole, executed while she hid in the underbrush, putting all her motherly instincts to the side, ignoring the act of cold-bloodedness, done by the Jaffa.
The last three months, she's spent at home with me, helping and criticising my painting technique or that I have no sympathy, for her state at this precise time. Though all the changes James and I have done to house, are completed, there's still the painting to do, the vanishing of the observation deck, James built into the roof for me. An exit from the attic onto the protruding balcony bit, and a guest bedroom filling the rest of the attic, he didn't used for the observation deck. The permits we had to get for that, took forever to come through, from the day we started work, February 25th 2012, till about the beginning of July. Spending nights up there alone, or sometimes with Linole when she takes an interest, I wish for Sam to come up and see what my little brother did for us. The craftsmanship my brother is capable of doing, with her back and legs giving her grief, she's staying safely on the second floor, barely bearing up with the trip, down the stairs each morning and night.
Most days I'll find her sat in the office, her desk lining up the far wall, giving her the natural light of the sun behind her and giving me the room in the corner, to sit and watch her when I've got, paperwork of my own to do. With me taking a more active role at the Academy, I have the feeling most of our nights, are going too spent in that office, and a fine office it is. Room for files here, room for Sam's intellectual books and my hockey, and other sport books, and comics, with enough computer gadgets, we could set up our own business in there. The French windows, leading out onto the porch, gives us both a view of the back garden, watchful over the nine year old and her always present friends. It just seems to perfect, the parents watching from indoors, loving and dreaming for the child, playing happily in the back garden, oblivious to the cruelty out there in this big world.
Sometime this month, we'll have someone else to watch out for, and feed and change, keeping the bouncing baby out of trouble and safe. A September baby is not, what's worrying me. It's the whole parent gig thing, being there those first few months, doing the bit I never got to do with Charlie. Sam's expecting me to know what I'm doing, and I'm just going to muck the whole thing up. Her dust will sprayed up into my face, with all of her experience, carrying her over the finish line. I'm great with kids. Give me a four year old and I'll keep them amuse till that girl finally comes over the mountain. Give me a two-month-old baby and I'm as helpless as the baby is. Sam goes on about this and that, when we're out shopping, throwing in all the baby stuff, she thinks we'll need into the cart. The whole conversation goes right up and over my head. In one ear and out the other. Unable to understand the language she's talking in. I got confused once, wondering whether I should take notes, on which nappy products she thought were best.
The mood swings I've dealt with well, except for the really bad one, when she hit me with an off cut piece of wood, breaking the small pieces of wood over my head. I wasn't in the best of moods either that day, James having took me out the night before, giving me beer after beer till we crawled home at four, in the morning, waking the whole house. Restraining myself, I stood up after thrusting the hammer, I had in my hand to Teal'c, departing from the immediate area, stopping myself from doing something I'd regret later. Hitting her with the hammer had never once, touched the outskirts of my mind. Throwing her down on the floor and giving her a piece of my mind, telling her exactly what I thought about her mood swings, and what I'd be doing, if she didn't stop picking on me, had never crossed my mind. Much. Is it my fault that the vaccine, she was given at the base, counteracted the birth control pill, Janet had put her on?
With the problems we've had over the entire time, of her pregnancy and before it, I believe it's all worth it. I wouldn't exchange anything we've had together. Well I might exchange my latest injuries, I'd acquired from my face-rearranging Jaffa friend, for some experience with babies. But its all worth it in the end, I finally have my trophy, to say that the woman upstairs asleep and me, have created something worth giving to the world. Once it's born that is. But showing off the prominent bump, to all passers-by and family, I couldn't have been more proud. Someone else, who's made me extremely proud lately, would certainly have to be Linole. She's handling this whole pregnancy thing, better that I did when I found out my mum, was pregnant with James. And when I found out about Rob. With Kate, I let the whole thing go when my mum and dad, said it was going to be a girl.
I was terrible during my mother's pregnancy, a five-year-old Jack O'Neill was more stubborn and less good-natured, than the man I've become today. (The good-natured bit takes some work sometimes). I'd done the whole, locking myself in my room, destroying my toys till I got some attention, even if it was to ground me, and the running away thing, to be brought back by a friend of the family. All I wanted was things, to go back to the way they were. For my mother to play with me again, my dad to call me his baby boy, but that all changed. I became the big boy, spent a lot of my time helping my mother, though not really helping. Hiding things that she needed and sometimes I took my frustration out on James. There came the time, a few months probably, when I finally realised, I was a big brother. This baby that lay in the crib, would one day look up to me and I would have to look out for him. So I started behaving the way everyone wanted me to behave.
I did chores to help my mother, pushing James's pram everywhere, never for a second letting him out of my sight. Instead of playing with my own toys, I played with him and his toys, feeling I had an obligation to keep him occupied, so my mom and dad could have some time for themselves. A weird way to think when you're five years old, but I did anyway and I think Linole's realised that, she's going to be this kid's big sister. All her friends that come by after school, either playing on the climbing frame or play in the games room, off from the kitchen, ask how Sam's doing when she's not around to tell them. Linole's always telling people, she's going to be a big sister in a couple of days times, pointing to me as her proud dad. It was a while before her friends came round to the idea, finding it weird for Linole to be calling me her dad now instead of Jack. They'd started calling me 'Mr O'Neill' at one point, till I complained it made me feel old, they'd all reverted back to 'Jack', still calling Sam 'Miss Carter'.
I used love to hear her called 'Miss Carter'; it let me know I still had a chance in hell, to have this woman as my wife, sometime in the nearby future. But whenever I see her mail or hear someone call her 'Miss Carter', it feeds my hunger to make her mine, put a gold band on her finger and officially make her mine, for forever and forever more mine. A bit greedy of me but that's how I feel about her, drifting to the jewellers in the Mall, fighting Linole's tugging hand towards the toy shop or computer shop, my eyes inspecting the window for the one but never finding it. I've heard her talking with Janet in the kitchen, laughing over the possible day I'd groaned down onto one knee, arguing with Janet that we're happy and don't need a piece of paper, to say how much we love in each other. Deep down though, the only thing she's ever wanted, is to have the whole family picture thing. The white picket fence, the happily barking dog, the kids playing in the backyard and for her and her husband, to be sitting on the grass together, planning their next prospective kid.
Typing away at the computer like I'd been for the last three hours, I heard the sounds of her making her way down the stairs, cursing the turning in the stairs and her lower back for aching so much. Finishing my last sentence for one of my brief assessments of a cadet, I collected my mug and bowl, turning on my chair before propelling myself through the sliding doors, straight into the kitchen as she came through the other sliding door, from the dining room. Smiling at her tossed hair, my old jersey and sweat pants. I kissed her fleetingly on the lips when our paths crossed, she heading to the fridge and me heading to the sink.
"Linole, get off to school okay?" Sam asked, delving into the fridge for the carton of orange juice, and whatever she was fancying this morning.
The bowl clinked down into the sink, easily pushing the tap to one side, the bowled surrender as I rinsed it out, tipping the water down the sink, saying. "Yeah, a bit of a panic when she couldn't find a trainer, but she was okay. She asked if it was okay for Charlotte to stay over this weekend, I told her she should ask Charlotte's mom first"
As I placed the bowl upside down on the draining board, she carefully sat down at the breakfast table, looking out on the back garden through the patio door, rubbing subconsciously over her swollen stomach. "Hmmm... you'll have to get the extra duvet and pillows, from the guest bedroom in the attic, just incase Sharon says yes to Charlotte spending the weekend with us"
Putting my 'Father day's' mug next to the coffee machine, I scratched through my jeans at an itch, playing just over my right kneecap. Rubbing over the itch, I found the material of my jeans, gave more relief than it did, using my fingers to scratch the unseen bother. Joining Sam at the breakfast table, positioned just in front of the patio windows, and in front of the sliding doors to the office, I sat down behind her, kneading her shoulder through my jersey. I'm used to seeing her now in my jersey's and sweat pants, some days I have the treat, of seeing her dressed in a pair of dungarees, still wearing one of my old baggie t-shirts. Linole's taken to stealing my t-shirts as well, wearing them as nightie's, claiming them for her own use, never letting me have them back till I search through her washing.
I thought I'd be buying Sam new clothes, when actually its been me buying new clothes, breaking into the money I still had left, from the reasonable sum my granddad left me. Twenty nine years, is a long time to keep that sum of money in the bank, only breaking into it to pay for my first wedding, when Sara's father told her she couldn't marry me, I see now he was right. And to pay for my little boy's funeral, unable to make up for what I did by doing that. It was still a reasonable sum after giving Sara half of it in the divorce. She didn't want it but I insisted. I'd ruined her life for too long, so she might as well have gotten something out of it.
Lovingly stroking my hand through her long hair, she's always complaining it's too long, but too idled to go to the hairdressers or to let Janet cut it for her. Drifting my hand down her sleeved arm, shifting my chair up behind her, I lolled my head against hers, threading my fingers through hers, watching her drink from the carton she'd dubbed hers. Most of the things in the fridge have her name on it, thick black permanent letters, claiming it to be hers. Things mixed together to cure her carvings, in lunch boxes with the warning, 'Eat this and die' (Aimed at Teal'c). I've joked that Linole and me, should get our own fridge, it didn't get the response I intended for it to get. With her mood swing kicking in soon after that, she dumped everything out of the fridge onto the counter, screaming her head off as I covered my eyes, praying for someone to beam me out of there. Linole walked in and walked back out, knowing to stay away unlike me. Janet's told me with the naquada in her blood, it heightens her hormones if I was listening to her right. Opening the front door sometimes, I can walk in as she's starting to cry, over something as sad as a coffee advert, missing the taste of the one liquid that will satisfy, her work-fuelled mind.
Her head slumped against mine, with her fingers squeezing mine slightly. She rubbed her hand over my bare arm, up to where my t-shirt began, relaxing against my warm and welcoming body. A lot of nights she spends clinging to me, when I've rolled over and taken my arm from over her, she'll turn me back over and clutched to my arm, restraining me from turning away from her again. Evenings in front of the telly, I spend massaging her feet or holding her while she sobers from which ever advert, set her off into one of her crying moods. I don't know whether to be alarmed or take to the behaviour like its normal, for me to be her hanky that she cries on. Not that I'm bothered by it, a beautiful woman carrying my baby, who wouldn't want her crying on their shoulder? But I see this woman as strong, braver and stronger than anything I have. It's just unnatural for me to see her crying so much.
Kissing her on the cheek I gathered myself together, returning back to the reports and lesson plans I had to write for my lesson on Jaffa warfare. (First week at the academy, and I find myself only having to teach a few lessons a week, but their still hell to organise). Sometimes I'm glad I have an ex-first prime as a best friend, like having a geek at school to do my homework. Accept Teal'c still hasn't mastered writing in English yet, so I have to get Daniel to translate it first. A bit of a pain but good, because it puts my theory lessons off and lets me do another practical lesson, giving me chance to get to know the recruits at the very beginning, (with our big chat we had last lesson). Having my thirty-eight recruits and Alex, run round the running track till the end of lesson, is their favourite lesson at the moment. Like they actually ran round that stupid track. We just crowded round the back of some building and chatted. Mostly answering questions on stories they've heard about me, and the well being of Sam and Linole. Everyone at the academy asks about Sam and Linole, its like their VIP's.
Relaxing from my morning sat in front of the computer, I laid along the length of the old couch from Sam's house, in the games room, playing on one of the various games, from the book shelve unit full of games. Sam was off upstairs taking a nap after plodding round the house, acting as my thesaurus when I wanted a big word, for the slang word I wanted to use in my report. Over the noise coming from the TV, I listened to excited laughter coming in the side door, Linole directing whoever came home with her today, into the games room where I always was this time of day. A shadow came into the room, a quiet surprise gasp at finding my socked feet, perched on the end of the arm of the couch. Someone who sounded like Charlotte, told whoever gasped it was okay, towing the stranger to our house, round the end of the couch.
Concentrating on the game more than their presence, Charlotte said hello to me, sitting down in the armchair, inviting their new friend to sit beside her. Eyeing the young girl as she passed, memorising her face for later reference and for something to put her name to, when I learnt it from her young hostess. Completing another level, I waited for it to load the next one up, leaning over the small gap to the coffee table, retrieving my mug of cold coffee, smiling at the unknown girl warmly. She looked small even sitting in the big armchair, shying away from my friendly smile, unsure of the man who was lying on the couch like the slob that I am.
Gulping down some of my coffee, I pressed start like the screen instructed, putting my mug down on the floor in front of the couch. Linole came in climbing over the back of the couch, without a care for my welfare, sliding off me onto the floor, passing her two friends a drink. Carrying on with my game, Linole sat back against the couch, the three of them watching the screen while they chatted about what happened at school. The fight at lunch between whichever boys it was today, their opinions of what some girl was wearing. Realising long ago nine year olds can be as bitchy as older women, using nicer language to get their points across. Dieing when I was paying more attention to them, then to what I was doing on the screen, I handed the controller over to Linole, giving them the use of the playstation while I sat there.
"Dad, Charlotte's mom said it was okay and she'd be ringing to make sure, it was okay with you. But is it okay, for Miranda to stay as well, we've asked her mom and she said it was okay too" Linole said, sparing a look over her shoulder, selecting a game the three of them could play, pulling the adapter out of the cabernet, next to the TV stand.
Looking over to the two smiling girls in the armchair, I knew the soft spot in my heart for girls, was especially soft today. "If your mom okay's it and Miranda's mom rings to say its okay, I don't have a problem with it"
Sitting up on the couch, Linole distributed the controllers between the three of them, collapsing into the couch beside me, splashing me with the small amount of coffee I was trying to finish, when she dropped onto the couch. Lining the back of the couch with my arm, propping my feet onto the coffee table, I laughed at the three of them playing on one of my racing games, crashing into the walls, into the other cars and into each other. Balancing my mug on top of my legs, I felt sorry for Miranda, lacking behind the other two, both used to playing on this game. Sneaking the hand I had over the back of the couch, down to Linole's side, I tickled her to put her off, succeeding but deafening myself as the nine year old, screamed with excitement and sank off the couch.
Charlotte was too busy laughing at my funny faces, letting Miranda quickly caught up with the pair. Realising when Miranda's red car, crossed the finish line in first place, what my antics had been about. Miranda smiled at me, a toothy grin from where she'd lost her baby teeth. Linole had lost one the week before, getting ten bucks for her tooth, off the gracious male tooth fairy. Sam doesn't think I should encourage, Linole to believe in the tooth fairy, yet its okay to encourage her to believe in Santa, both doing the same thing in my eyes. Keeps the kid quiet and happy, when they get a mystery present from somewhere. Always worked for me, my father ruined it when I woke up and found him, stealing the tooth from under my pillow, shoving a dollar under my pillow. I'm a more generous tooth fairy.
Sighing at my accomplished mission, winning over Linole's friends with childish behaviour, I vacated from the games room, their endless chatter over whether it was fair or not, carried through the house easily. Rinsing my mug under the tap, I spotted the supposedly napping woman, sat outside on the porch, drinking a glass of milk from the looks of it. Pouring some black coffee into my mug, stirring in two sugars, I sipped at the lukewarm coffee, stepping out onto the wooden deck, my steps unheard from my socked feet.
"Hey" I said, sitting down into the chair beside her, placing my mug down, onto the wooden surface, by the leg of my chair. "Thought you were sleeping upstairs?"
"I was, but I heard Linole and Co, come home. Laughing their way up the driveway" She said, gazing out onto the garden, the only thing I'd let her do with Teal'c doing the physical jobs, letting her order him around while James and me did the house, ordering Daniel around. "But I was awake long before that, hearing your shoot 'em and zap 'em, I woke up about an hour ago"
"You should have shouted or something, I would've turned it down if it was too loud" I said, holding her hand, cradling our hands with my other hand. "You can go back to bed if you want, I'll sort dinner and the girls out. Oh, Linole's asked if another one of her friends, Miranda, can stay round this weekend as well. What ya think? D'ya think you can handle three nine year olds this weekend?"
She giggled snuggling up to my shoulder, slipping her arm round my arm, my shoulder becoming her pillow like on so many occasions. "As long as you're here, I can handle anything they throw at me"
Kissing the top of her head, we both groaned when the phone rang inside, starting to get up, Linole called that she'd get it. Sitting back down into my seat, retaking our position, we sat there quite happily, watching the sun move very slowly over the garden. This is quite a dream I have here, sitting outside with the woman I love more than life, our kid growing inside her, with the other one, so kind and beautiful, in doors. Her little voice came nearer, with her coming up behind me, the phone suddenly appeared in front of my face.
"It's Kate. She wants to talk to you, dad." Linole said, smiling in her own little way, running back inside when I took the phone.
"Kate, what can I do for you?" I said into the phone, watchful of Sam while she got out of her seat, whispering she was getting a refill, stepping over my legs.
The voice I heard, down the line, was a tone of voice I hadn't that long ago heard, the sound of bad news following that tone by whomever it was used by. "Jack, are you sitting down?"
Frowning I shifted in my seat before getting out of it, unable to get comfortable now she asked that, picking my mug up from the porch before stepping down the steps, leading down onto the slab path, trailing across the grass to the garage. "What is it, Kate?"
"Jack, there's been in an accident. We were out shopping for the baby. Honestly Jack, even I didn't see it coming and I was sat in the back of dad's sport car, very uncomfortably but I didn't see anything. It happened so fast too. One minute, we were happily talking about you and Sam, then the next some guy was telling me, I was going to be okay and that I'd only broken my leg and had a concussion" Kate said, I could hear tears falling down her face, splashing down onto the receiver of the phone. "It's dad, Jack. He took the full force of the crash, mom's in ICU but they're not sure, she'll pull through the night"
"Kate, what's happened?" I asked, waving my mug of coffee around, aimlessly looking up to the sky.
"Dad's dead, Jack" She said in an icy calm tone, breaking down into tears on the other end, mumbling as she tried to carry on talking.
Swallowing the bile taste in my throat, I let go of the mug in my hand, jumping back from the exploding item, spraying my socked feet with bits of the mug and with coffee. Tripping backwards onto the steps to the porch, I held the phone firmly to my ear, listening to the sobbing of my sister, slanting up against the banister of the steps. Footsteps came out onto the porch, awkwardly coming down the steps to sit beside me. She sensed something was wrong, when she saw the mug and my face. Kate was talking to me down the phone, but I couldn't speak, staring tearlessly down at the grass, the news slowly sinking into my system.
Prising the phone out of my hand, Sam spoke to Kate on the phone. Pulling myself up on the banister, I went inside hearing Sam's quick intake of a shocked breath. Shoving my feet into my trainers, I unhooked my keys from the rack, jogging out of the house and down the steps, straight passed Sam on the steps, heading for the garage. Ignoring her calls to me, wanting me to stop and talk this through with her, I selected my truck's key from the ring, jumping down the three-foot wall to the driveway, climbing into my open truck. Shoving the key angrily into the ignition, I turned the key and sped off down the driveway, squealing out of my driveway and onto the road, stamping my foot down onto the gas.
It couldn't be true, they were all playing a practical joke on me, laughing at my reaction to hearing my dad was dead. He can't be dead. He's my dad, nothing bad could happen to him. We're supposed to be going to Harry's ranch next month, he promised Linole he'd showed her how to ride a horse, who's gonna do that? He's supposed to be there with me, at the hospital, when Sam's giving birth, telling me I'll be a brilliant father again. Retelling me the secrets of being the father, he's been to me over the years. He just can't be dead. We've got plans. Stan the man cannot be dead, he's been in more bar brawl fights than me, and come out of them intact. Who's going to tell me to leave Rob alone? Keep the two of us from fighting, when we've had enough of talking our problems out? I've never been out of contact with him, even when I was working at the S.G.C, I made the time to write to him and let him know I was okay.
When I was about six years old, he brought me my first proper bike, a red sparkling frame that glisten in the sun, for my sixth birthday. We'd spent night after night out in the driveway, he'd sit on the wall, watching me ride up and down, fall down and encourage me to get back on the thing. I'd only done it because he was there, knowing he was there I'd be safe. It didn't matter that I fell down because he was there, to pick me back up. He taught me everything I know, playing hookey from school, he'd let me and my friends hang out at the garage he'd owned, working more the business side of the business, than working in the main shop. But we could do whatever we wanted as long as we behave ourselves. Helping out now and then, when they were pushed.
My mother spent her time trying to persuade me, from going into the Air Force, but my dad was all cool with it. He drove me down to the enlisting office, waiting for me outside when I came back out, knowing I wouldn't be happy doing anything else, with my life. Flying was the only thing I'd had on my mind at the time, wanting to soar up there in the clouds like my uncle did, on his tour of duty. My dad wanted to be pilot too, he told me when we'd sat outside in the garden, drinking my last night as a civilian away. His vision had let him down, so he'd been enlisted into the army, serving in the motor pool, away from the front line. So he'd lived his dream through me, but my days as a pilot were cut short, when they transferred me into Special Ops.
The night was drawing in and so was my realisation, he was dead in some morgue and my mom was lying in a hospital bed, with me acting like a total jerk. Sitting in the car park of the park near our home, the digital clock tick off another minute, six hours I'd sat there watching the kids play, their dads watching over them like mine used to. By now, Sam's possibly had most of the S.G.C, out looking for me, worrying that I've gone and done something stupid, ended up like my dad.
The park was deserted which isn't a surprise, for this time of night, much like how I was feeling. The swings swaying back and forth, absent of the happy child who'd be swinging on it, their father pushing them to the sky with their mother, watching over them from the side. Sinking down in my seat, I remembered the day when my dad took James and me to the park, our mother pushing Rob in his pram, shushing the crying baby. We'd played on the swings like there was no tomorrow, laughing at each other with my father, making a fool out of himself for our enjoyment. Falling off the swing, role playing some character he'd thought of, inspiring James and I to come up with our own characters. In those days I was very much like Linole, nave to the cruel nature of the world.
A beam of light shone over the park, the source of the light parking up beside me, voices coming from inside the maroon galaxy, the passenger door opening close to my door. She made short work of walking round the back of my truck, clambering up the step up into the passenger seat beside me, groaning and moaning as her back and feet gave her hell. Her door shut soundly, the interior light went out a few seconds after she shut it, returning the cab back to total darkness, the only source of light coming from the digital clock. I made no move towards her and she made none to me, the only movement came from the car beside us, reversing back out of the parking space, creeping its way back to the entrance of the car park.
Picking at the arm of my seat, she shifted in her seat to get comfortable, readjusting the back. Trying to find a comfortable position, she could sit in and not have her back complaining at her. The silence of the cab was broken, when her cell phone shrilled, from the pocket of my coat she was wearing, keeping the autumn chill at bay. Fishing it out of her pocket, she flicked open her phone, answering it before it shrilled again.
"Hello" She said, wiping something off the dashboard in front of her. "It's okay, Janet. Daniel and I found him. No, no. He's okay. Look, I'll call you in a bit. Can you watch Linole till we get home? Thanks, bye"
Tugging at the skin on my chin, I watched the blackness out my window, her phone bleeped twice, the green light dieing out slowly, when she turned it off. The phone clunked against the surface of the dashboard, cushioned slightly by the tissues, piled up in the little shelve bit of the dashboard. Sighing into the palm of my hand, I rested my head against the cold window, ignoring the feel of her hand picking up my hand, out of my lap. Washing my gaze over the park, panning round to look at her, her face highlighted with the blue glow from the clock, reminded me of the gate in some ways. She always looks beautiful when the blue light from the gate, highlights her smooth face, making my insides go all mushy but I feel that way all the time.
Altering my weight from one side to the other, in my seat, she moved the arm of the seat out of the way, cradling me against her warm body, the only person in this world who can understand how I feel. The difference being I'm not going to blame anyone for this. I have the right to blame someone but with experience under my belt, blaming one person won't bring my dad back and I know this. Blaming myself hasn't brought Charlie back. Blaming the doctors didn't bring Charlie back and blaming the world didn't bring Charlie back. But she's the one person I need right now, comforting me and understanding my inner ordeal.
"It's okay, Jack" She said in her motherly tone, stroking the back of her fingers, down my cheek, soothing me the way she always does. "You're going to be okay, we're both going to be okay"
Clinging to the sleeves of my jacket that she was wearing, I shed my first tear for my father there and then, streaming down my face to fall onto my jacket. I don't like being emotional but I know its not wrong for me to cry, though I do have a reputation to up hold, crying behind close doors has never ruined it. My dad told me once, 'It takes a brave man to stand up to people, but it takes an even braver man to cry in front of others'. I'm probably the man between that, using humour to stand up to bullies but crying behind close doors. When I was married to Sara, I never once let her see me cry but with Sam, it's all different. With her, I'm the man my father talked about me becoming, the one who's able to do the work of ten men and feel comfortable crying in front of her. Feel things that only she can cause, loving her like no one else who've ever been in my life, like she has.
Wiping the tears from my cheeks for me, she kissed my forehead. "I'm here for you, Jack"
"I know." I said in a croaky voice, moping up my eyes with the sleeve of my t-shirt, sitting back up into my seat.
"Kate needs you to go up there. They all need you to go," She said, combing my freshly cut hair back, keeping a constant hand over her stomach. "Your mother needs you more than anything"
"But..." I croaked again, clearing my throat, I put the arm down on my seat again, angling myself towards her on it. "But you need me here, you're due any day soon. I can't be two places at the same time"
Brushing another tear off my cheek with her thumb, I couldn't get over how much love I saw behind her eyes, the sparkling brightness of her eyes. "I'm always going to be here with you, but I want you to go. Kate, James and Rob need you right now. They all need you to be there and so does your mother"
"What would I do without you?" I asked her, feeding some hair in behind her ear, caring more for this woman that I do for any other.
"You'd be sat on your butt at your cabin. Now, we need to get home to our daughter, who's worried sick about you. You've given everyone quite a scare." She said motioning towards the ignition, patting me on the leg.
Nodding my head I swivelled in my seat, clasping the key in the ignition, turning it its three clicks, the truck started on first go. My always reliable truck just like my Sam. Shifting the gear down into the reverse, I slowly reversed backwards as Sam put her seat belt on, already complaining about the black belt, giving up with it when she couldn't get comfortable. Crawling my way across the car park to the entrance, I drove us home at a safe speed, my child and woman the only thing on my mind. My dad on my mind too.
Twiddling my thumbs together, my elbows holding me up over my knees, I watched the busy flow of people, heading to catch their planes or coming back from their holiday/business trip, reuniting with their families. Sam sat beside me on the row of seats, her arm hooked round mine, sweeping my hair back. Daniel appeared from the crowd with three paper cups of coffee, clamped between his hands, dodging the busy traffic of people. Carefully Sam took one of the cups from him, thanking him as she handed it to me, cupping my hands round the hot cup, another coffee dose to keep me awake. The whole night, we'd spent walking up and down the landing together, her because junior was causing trouble again and I couldn't sleep. Linole drifted through the landing at one point, tripping over our legs where we'd been sat on the floor, complaining that we were wearing a hole, in the new carpet, making her nightly trip to the toilet treacherous. Sam's going to tell her about my dad on Monday, I don't want her weekend to be ruined. There's plenty of time for her to find out.
Placing the cup down onto the plastic chair next to me, I sat back into my seat, clasping my hands behind my head, stretching my tired back to the fullest, with the restraint of the chair. I didn't want to go by myself, I want her to come with me but with the state that she's in, coming to the end of the pregnancy, I'm not willing to jinx this nearly untroubled pregnancy. Sara's had been a bad one, some complication or something that I can't pronounce and don't understand, I'd only cared at the time, if she and Charlie were going to be all right, not what was wrong with them. Though Sam has had to have lots of check ups, by a doctor who's qualified enough to look at her blood, and have several checkups with Janet, nothing has gone wrong.
Daniel and Sam were quietly murmuring to one another, under the constant noise of the airport, giving me chance to have some time to think. Thinking was not something I wanted to do right now. I'd spent the whole of last night thinking, going over the last conversation I had with my father, checking to see if I might have said something to offend him, or if we'd left something unsaid. I've left enough things unsaid in my time, if my father's gone to his grave, with us not saying something crucial to one another, I wouldn't be able to forgive myself. I'd never really told my granddad what he truly meant to me, but I hope deep down, he knew he was the world to me. My uncle was another major player in my life, I'd heard stories of him from my granddad, telling me about uncle Max who flew for this country, gave his life for this country.
Tapping my boot against the bag between my legs, my flight number was called over the PA system, a whole new wave of passengers started for my gate, tickets wafting in the air as people pushed and shoved their way to the gate. Standing up I pulled my pants up pointlessly when they sunk back down, hanging loosely round my hips, my t-shirt like jumper barely covering my bare stomach from view, depending on how I twist or slouch. Picking my bag up from the floor, my coat hanging over my bag, Sam brushed something off my arm, smiling yet looking sad. Feeding my arm through the strap of my bag, pushing my bag round to my back I slid my hand round her back, pulling her closer to my body. Wrapping my other arm round her body, lightly holding her so I didn't squeeze the two of them, I kissed her on the cheek.
"I'll be back soon, I promise." I said into her ear, the PA system boomed out, for the passengers of my flight to hurry up.
"You just take your time. There's bag's of time for you and me. Now go get on your plane, before I start blubbering over you." She said smiling, cupping my face between her warm hands, sweeping some of my hair, back with her fingers, her eyes glistening with the threatening tears.
Moving to move away I changed my mind, closing in on her to capture her lips, keeping a steadying hand on her back, supporting her as she leant against me. Daniel did his subtle cough, reminding us we were in a public place and he was getting embarrassed. Hearing another call of my plane, I left her there with Daniel, striding over to where the other passengers were going. Forcing her out of my mind, only for her to come back in, through the back door to my mind. It was going to be a long plane ride with me, worrying about her, the baby and Linole, and worrying about my mother. Grieving for my father through all of this.
Arriving at my mother's house, I handed the cabby his money through the window, climbing out into the street while he got me my change. Handing it to me through his window, he drove off without a second thought for me, leaving me to look up at the house I'd grown up in, with too many memories of my father in it. Slinging my bag up onto my shoulder, I started up the steps to the front door, the door opened before I even got half way up, Ann rushed out into my arms, apologising for something she couldn't of stopped if she'd so happened to be there, clinging to my clothes. Sighing I wrapped an arm round her, listening to her babble on about the condition of my mother, telling me Rob and James were there right now and the hospital were realising Kate today.
Leading the way through the front door, the kids were all sat in the living room, quiet while they watched the TV, their faces strained with signs they'd been crying. Dumping my bag underneath the coat hooks, Ann shut the front door as I went into the living room, the three of them were on their feet, crowding round my legs in seconds. Knelling down to their height, I hugged the three of them, their tears washing the signs of earlier tears away, causing new streams of tears. Wiping the heel of my hand down Terz face, she leaned up against me, sinking down onto the floor. Ann picked her up, putting her on her knee when she sat on one of couches, leaving me Andrew and Jessica to deal with. Kissing either of them on the cheek, I sent them back to sit in front of the TV, the only thing that wouldn't remind them of their dead granddad.
Getting up off the floor, Ann shifted Terz off her knee, following me out of the room into the hallway and then into the kitchen. "Ann" I said, pivoting round to face her as she came through the doorway, my hands on my hips, splitting my jacket aside. "What exactly happened yesterday?"
"Stan... Stan, Mary and Kate went out to get your baby some things. They were coming back from a morning of shopping around. Kate says the light was green, when they'd entered the cross section. A jeep smacked straight into the driver's side, of your dad's sports car. They believe Stan died on impact. But one of the paramedics said, he looked like he was protecting your mother, using his body to cushion her against the impact. Kate wasn't badly hurt, sitting in the back of car. She's only got a broken leg and has a slight concussion. But your mother has a lot more injuries, several of them that I can't pronounce" She said, tears dropping down onto the tiled floor of the kitchen. "Rob's really upset about it, Jack. He hasn't showed any sign of it yet though, its worrying me that he hasn't let it out. Don't let him do anything stupid, or be blaming the wrong people for this"
Her message to me was plain as day, 'don't let Rob take it out on you'. Patting her on the shoulder, I looked round to the counter behind me, spotting the keys to my mothers car, sat in the driveway. "I better get over to the hospital"
"They took 'em to the university hospital" Ann said, grabbing hold of my arm. "Promise me, Jack. You won't let him blame you. He's cherished the phone calls, you've had and that visit you did at Easter, for his birthday"
"Ann, he's hurting like I am. If he wants to take it out on me, I'm there for him even if it's for his punching bag. They all need me, whether they know it or not" I said snatching the keys from the counter, strutting over to the door, yanking the door open.
"Jack" She said causing me to stop in the doorway. "Who's there for you?"
Pushing the screen door open, I played with the keys in my hand, wedging the back door open with my foot. "Sam's the only person I need right now. My feelings are on hold till I'm back with her. I'm the big brother, it's my job to be the none feeling one, in situations like this"
The drive to the hospital was terrible. Once or twice I nearly ended up, in an accident of my own, thinking about my mother and Sam than what was going on in front of me. I can't understand, why they'd gone shopping in my dad's sports car. My mother swore she'd never get in it, and it wasn't the best type of transport, to have three people in, when it was only designed with two people in mind. There's so many questions swimming round my head, its getting hard to function with them all in there, constricting me to one train of thought. Images of my father sports car and a jeep, crashing into one another, kept popping into my head, distracting me from the road in front of me. Luckily the hospital wasn't that far from the house, if I'd been in an accident, I'd have gotten to the hospital anyway. Not a good way to be thinking in my state of mind.
The doors to the elevator opened up onto the ICU ward, it was so quiet yet it wasn't with all the distant bleeping, from the machines keeping patients alive. Calmness was the only word I could think of to describe this ward. The nurses didn't seem that rushed off their feet, like other wards I'd been on before. Running my fingers through my hair, exhaustedly wanting sleep from the previous night to take me, to wake up and find this was all a dream. They do say things come in three's. So much for Irish luck. Pulling up my jeans for the thirty-sixth time, causing my patients with them to slowly decrease. I'd told Sam I needed a belt but all she could say was they looked mighty fine on me. That woman seriously has lost her mind, during this pregnancy.
Resting down onto the counter with my forearms, I waited for one of the nurses to stop their chinwag, gossiping about Doctor Cormer in the OR, whoever this Doctor Cormer was, they all new about his closet on sixth floor. Pinching the bridge of my nose, I closed my eyes, counting to ten and hoping by the time I open my eyes, one of these lovely nurses would be paying attention to me. Slowly opening my eyes, they were still stood round, hands in their uniforms pocket, chatting about Doctor Cormer and the latest nurse, who'd visited his closet on sixth floor. Groaning at their insolences, maybe if I dressed up in a tutu, they'd be quicker to pay me some of their gracious time. I mean I don't want to interrupt their compelling conversation about Doctor Cormer, I just want to know where my mother is, but that's not as important as Doctor Cormer.
Lowering my head into my forearms, Oma Desala would be very useful at this moment, I'm sure if Danny boy had done his all glow-in-dark thing for them, they'd soon enough listen to him. Someone could really become miffed. Raising my head to have a go and get some sense out of these people, a nurse came round the counter, probably back from doing rounds or something, shaking her head at the gossiping nurses. Holding my hand up to her, she nodded her head, dropping a file on top of a pile, sitting down on stool before scooting across the floor to me on it.
"Sorry, what can I do for you?" She asked in a calm welcoming tone, looking over her shoulder when one of the other nurses said something about her, cursing her for getting me first.
"I'm here to see, Mrs O'Neill" I said, checking to see if she weren't part of Oma's fan club, because she's certainly a god sent and got brilliant timing.
Flicking through a list of names, she traced down the page with her finger, tapping it against the room number of my mother. "Are you a relative?"
"Yes, I'm her son" I said, watching her get up off her stool, retracing her steps round the counter, motioning for me to follow her with her finger.
Quickening my step to catch up with her, the corridor she lead me down was lit brightly, rooms off from the corridor, were not as bright. Lit mainly from the sun filtering in through the blinds, casting beams of light over the blanketed forms in the beds, giving them some peace in their forever sleep till they come through it. Sam's ordered me never to put her, in the position, where she has to sit by bedside, hearing the bleeping of the machine. I can promise her I won't but she can't do the same for me. There's always a chance, just like her getting captured again, she'll come back with severed injuries, and be out of it for sometime. Lying there in a bed, making me visit her everyday, craving for her to wake up.
Stopping outside one of the rooms, she held the door open for me, smiling at whoever was inside with my mother. Thanking her with a whisper, I entered the room to find Kate sat in a chair, her leg propped up by another chair, sleeping while holding mum's hand. James turned away from the window, his arms folded across his chest, the shirt he was wearing, showed signs of sawdust. Guess I'm not as quick as everyone else, James rushing from work to get here, makes me feel less of the son that I am. I looked at the door over my shoulder when it swung back into place, rubbing at my forehead, I began to cross over to my brother, feeding my hands into the back of jeans, regretting it when my pants sunk.
Tugging my pants back up, I stood next to James, taking in the sight of my mother, her shell of a body, beaten with tubes sticking out of her. Coughing into my hand when I nearly choked, my coughing awoken Kate from her sleeping slum. My mother looked so unlike her, the bandages around her head, covering up her grey hair, slowly being over ridden by age, turning it white. Her blank canvas face screams out for makeup, she's never gone without makeup for more than an hour, always keeping up the front for people even when she's feeling her worse. The cast on her arm took centre stage, drawing my eyes to the white cast, keeping her arm straight while it heals.
Kate slowly got out of her seat, sliding her delicate hands into the brace, on her crutches, helping her to stand up. She'd got her own bandage round her head, a small cut peeping out from underneath the cream bandages, wrapping round her head. Limping round the two chairs, she came round the bottom of the bed, dragging me into a hug and to support her.
"I can't believe he's gone, Jack." She said into my ear, her crutches hitting my back, clutching to the back of my jacket.
"I know, I know." I said into her shoulder, cradling the back of her head against my shoulder, rubbing a hand up and down her blouse. "But we'll get through it. Mom too. We're gonna get through this whether we want to or not"
James made a quiet sob into his fist, his back facing the two of us, hiding his balling his eyes from sight like every man before him. Securely holding onto Kate, I grabbed the back of his shirt, spinning him round, engulfing him into a hug. The three of us stood there, with our arms round each other. Sighing into James hair, I sensed things weren't going to get better till they got much worse. It's always the way of these things. When the door brushed open, Rob backed up into the room, three cups of coffee prised between his hands, threatening to burn his hands.
Breaking up our little group hug, Rob stood there looking at me for a minute, the door closing behind him with only the machines for sound. He didn't look at all pleased with me, his lower lip curling in, his eyebrows scrunching together. (Never a good sign). I watched him slightly alerted by his movements, put the cups of coffee down on the table, his eyes fixedly watching me over the few feet between us. The coffee rippled across their surfaces, the two black and one white surfaces, stilled as Rob moved closure to me, his chest puffing up with his fists clenching. For some reason, it reminded me of the time I accidentally ran over his dog, I was upset just like he was, but he'd gotten me down on the floor, faster than most people have been able to.
Getting ready to defend myself when he raised his fists up, looking like he was putting his guard up, he screwed his fists into his eyes, a small cry escape him. Coaxing him towards me I suddenly found myself on the floor, my butt aching and something bitter tasting, flooding into my mouth. Licking my lip it was even bitterer. Touching it I looked at my finger, the bright red liquid oozed its way down my finger. Pulled up to my feet by Rob, he shook me by my jacket, shouting something at me, his face bright red with his frantic shouting. Hitting me again in the face, he held onto my jacket, restraining me from falling, pounding another fist into my face and then another. He changed his target, hitting me in the chest sluggishly. James tried to pull him away but I waved him aside, still with it after Rob's slugs at me.
Pounding his fist into my chest, his tears came to the surface as he pounded one last time, his head falling against my chest. Slinging my arms round him, I held him as he cried, shushing his incoherent mumbling. Wiping the blood away from my nose, I winched noticing some of it was on Rob's shirt. He'd have a hard time getting that out of it. A tissue appeared in front of my face, Kate rubbed a hand over Rob's back after I took the tissue, cleaning up the mess my face had become. Rob switched, from me to Kate, losing all the control he'd had, letting everything out now I was here.
The hospital was quiet apart from the bleeping of the machines, monitoring my mother's condition, constantly bleeping in time with her heart, another machine pumping air into her lungs. The others had long gone after I told them to go home, have a chance to sleep and let everything sink in, giving me time to sit with my mother and have time to myself. The light above her bed, shone down over her corpse like face, a stitch running along her frail forehead. It was just like nights I'd spent by Sam's bedside, or by any of my past teammates, their battered bodies healing slowly while I watched over them, blaming myself for whatever went wrong on the mission.
They say it's harder to deal with, when it's your family, watching them in a hospital bed, but I wouldn't swap this to watch any of my teammates or switch my family for one of teammates. To me my family our people who watch out for me, the ones who care enough to send me a card on my birthday, or remember the small things that I like. Thinking of me when they've been on holiday, bringing something back for me.
But watching my mother, laid there in the bed, I would give anything to swap our places, let her be the one sat at my bedside, praying for me to wake up and tell her some of my fathers cheesy lines to her. She'd been there when I'd spent my first time, sat in a hospital bed after being injured badly out in the field, twitching to get back into the field with my buddies. Even then she tried to talk me into leaving. Leave the Air Force and go work with my father, keep him from chatting up his female customers, cut in and stop him making a fool out of our family. Thinking back to those days, when my father and mother were getting divorce, they did truly love each other at one point and to this day, there was still something between them. But I wouldn't want to change any of that. My dad wanted to live his own life and my mother let him go. If that isn't love, then I want to know what is?
If Sam ever wanted to go, leave me and go looking for someone else who could make her happier. I'd let her go. I couldn't live knowing she wasn't happy. Knowing that round every corner she was cursing me under her breath, for not letting her go her own way. Hating me instead of loving me. I'd probably be a mess and want to kill myself for a few days, mope around the house, clinging to anything that was hers. But I'd be okay. She wouldn't be gone because she's in my heart. Losing her would break my heart. Things though, can easily be mended with a bit of superglue and some sellotape, sticking everything back together. My heart wouldn't be as it once was, but at least I'd have some part of her with me. If not, I could always turn into a stalker, follow her around and take photographs of her. Though I know deep down in my heart, she wouldn't leave me now. We've got too much together, to just throw it all away. After all the heartache we'd gone through, the missing and wanting we'd dealt with. I couldn't imagine, either of us, wanting to leave the other. Not now.
Looking up to the door when a nurse pushed it open, my jacket slipped from round my shoulders, sliding down my jumper. The light from out in the corridor, brighten up some of the room, lighting up the whole of my mother's bed. Widening my eyes in surprised to the brightness, the nurse came into the room, gently closing the door behind her. Retrieving the clipboard from the end of the bed, she flicked the file open while crossing to the machines, on the other side of the bed, sending me an understanding and compassionate smile across the bed.
"You look like, you could do with some coffee?" The young nurse said to me, checking the line of the IV drip, switching from the drip to me.
"You're probably right." I said getting up onto my feet, draping my coat over the back of my chair, smoothing down my jumper.
Crossing over to the door, I glanced back at the nurse, knelt at my mother's bedside, checking the equipment and my mother's condition. I can't get over at how my mother looks. She's just a shell, lying there while the machines work her body for her. Yanking the door open, I dug into my jeans pocket, pulling them up while the door shut behind me, walking down the corridor to where James had shown me, the family room to be. Checking I had enough change for a cup of coffee and a phone call, I yawned down at the hand full of change, shifting through the shiny coins with my finger.
Shaking the change inside my clenched fist, I went straight through the open door, finding the room to be plain and unwelcoming at night. Switching the lights on with a flick of my finger, the lights blinked on as I went over to the coffee machine, picking some of the coins out of my hand of change. Slotting the money into the slot, I scanned down the selection, not really fancying any of the drinks this machine could do. Opting for a normal cup of coffee, I punched in the code into the keypad, looking round the room for a phone, spotting it in the corner next to a chair. The machine dropped a plastic cup down, behind the protective plastic cover. Steamy liquid was poured down into the cup. By the time I pushed the cover aside, the machine had finished filling the cup with coffee, pinching the brim of the plastic cup, I took it over to the chair where the phone was, letting the plastic cover spring back into place with a snap.
Placing the plastic cup on the floor, at my feet, I unhooked the phone from its cradle, struggling to keep the change in my hand. Passing the phone to my other hand, I put some money into the machine, hearing the satisfying chinking, of the money being accepted. Dialling the number into the keypad, I reached down for my coffee, hearing the phone ringing in my ear, sitting back to relax into my seat.
On the tenth ring, she finally answered, sounding slightly out of breath. "Hello"
"Hey, its me" I said, sipping warily at the hot bitter liquid.
"Jack. How's your mum?" She asked, sounding slightly relief, still getting that worried tone of hers in. "How's everyone doing?"
"They're okay. I can't get over how bad she looks. I keep thinking, I'm dreaming and I'm going to wake up soon." I said before sighing into the receiver, perching the cup of coffee on top of the phone. "I wish you were here"
"I wish I was there too. I wouldn't have to deal with Linole and Co. Do you realise, tomorrow I have to go down the market, and buy more ice cream for the terrors?" She said, trying to cheer me up with our 'Ice cream addicted' child. "They even found your double chocolate chip fudge, the one you were hiding behind the peas and the carrots. So I've got to buy you some more, I've got to buy them some and do the weekly shopping at the same time"
Even though I was feeling really down, I couldn't help but smile, sipping at my coffee. "Leave them at home with Teal'c, I'm sure T can tame them, by the time you get back"
"Your advice gets me nowhere with them. It took me three hours, to get them to come in, from playing street hockey with the boys down the road. I nearly had to put the two of them in the penalty box" She said causing me to laugh, spilling some of my coffee on me and onto the floor.
"Thought Miranda was staying round?" I asked, flapping my jumper to dry it, the coffee going through to burn my chest.
Something bleeped in the background as she said. "She is but she isn't into hockey. She was helping me with your paperwork. Putting the files into your filing cabernet. Oh yeah, I call the academy and told them you won't be back for a few weeks. I explained what happened to them, and they said you could have as long as you need. Very nice man that Major Taulton"
Frowning with my lips pursed over the rim of the cup, I searched through the faces and names, trying to link the two together. "Taulton?"
"You're aide. The one who came by the house, the other month, and dropped off the files you requested" She said, knowing her she'd be waving her hand around in the air, trying to visibly encourage me to remember, forgetting I was on the other end of the phone. "You know him, he was the one noting down the scores, when I was supposed to drop Linole off with you, but you talk me into coming to your cabin"
"Ooooohhhhh, him" I said putting some more money into the phone. "I know him, I think. Anyway, how're you doing?"
"I'm dealing. I dosed off for an hour after Linole and party went to bed. Woke up when I thought I heard Lara Croft, screaming to her death, but it was Linole telling Miranda and Charlotte, one of your scary stories. I can't back to sleep now, because the baby's kicking, I may also have indigestion of moment. And you're not here." She said, something crunching in time with her movements. "So now I'm sat downstairs, with the last tub of ice cream and gherkin dipped into chocolate, watching some reruns of MASH"
Scratching the side of my head, I leant forward onto my knees, my hands supporting my head up. "I miss him, Sam"
"I know, but you've gotta keep going. You've got to think he's gone somewhere better. A certain ascended person may have taken him. We don't really know"
"Sam, what would Oma want with my dad? I'm sure they don't have car trouble up there" I said, picking my cup up from on top of the phone, finishing it in one big gulp.
"Just ruin my idea then" She said in a humorous tone, taking no offence to what I said.
Scrunching the plastic cup up, I dumped it in the bin beside me, hidden behind the phone, I said. "I better get back to mom. I sent them all home, so there's no one sitting with her"
"Okay. Ring me tomorrow, let me know how things are and remember, you've got to sleep as well" She said, the TV becoming louder in the background.
"I will but I don't know about sleeping yet" I said getting up out of my seat, restricted by the phone cord.
"Jack" She said, letting a moment of silence past. "I love you"
"I love you too, Sam. I'll call tomorrow" I said, looking round the room, surprised to see it was three in the morning. "Or rather later today"
She chuckled down the phone at me; I always like it when she chuckles at me. "Bye Jack and get some sleep, or I'll send Janet up there"
"Okay. Bye Sam" I said before putting the phone down, resting up against the phone for a bit, content with myself and glad now, I knew she was all right. (It won't be long though before I'll be worrying about her again).
Leaving the Family room with my hands in my pockets, the cooling dampness of my jumper clung to my chest, creating a very unpleasant feeling, against my chest when I moved. I smiled at the nurse, who'd suggested I get a coffee, her face lit by a lamp on her desk, writing down something on a piece of paper. Hauling my pants up again, I shouldered the door open. She still lay there unmoved, the monitors bleeping in a permanent rhythm. Cracking my neck side to side, I rounded round the end of her bed, retaking my seat beside her bedside, leaning on the edge of her bed.
Scratching the side of my stubble face, I gazed out the window over looking, the small garden they had at the hospital, with roses and brightly colour flowers in it. We'd been kicked out my mother's room, when the doctor wanted to do some tests and let the nurses do their thing. James was sat in a seat a few feet to my left, flicking through a month old magazine, doing something instead of doing nothing. Rob decided it would best if he stayed at mom's, with his kid and James's at this glum time. I have to agree with him. The three of them were taking it hard, much harder than the four of us, each of them equally close to their granddad, spending holidays and whatever at his house. Dad was going to start, coming to stay with us now and then, work on the closeness between him and Linole, and with the baby when its born. My dad was always like that, he loved children like I do, but it helps that we both have the mental age of a ten year, on a good day.
I did try to call Sam earlier but I guess she was out somewhere, so I left a message on the answering machine. A simple hello, I could really do with talking to her and that I was thinking of them both. They were probably caught in the Saturday rush, shopping with all the rest of the Saturday shoppers. And she wonders why I insist, on going shopping on a Wednesday night, get everything done when all is quiet and there aren't many people around. I knew now I should have brought my cellular, but in my grief stricken mind, I just grab whatever came to hand on the way to the door, shoving it into the deep depths of my bag or pockets. I could really do with hearing her voice right now, after having the panic of last night, hanging in the germ free air of the hospital. We nearly lost her last night, thanks to the quick intervention they managed, to bring her back. I nearly lost myself too, frantically shouting for someone to come, over the constant bleep of the machines, running round the room like it was going to do any good.
Afterwards I sat in the Family room, with one of the nurses, simply sitting there as the sun rose up, bringing forth the new day and another day of misery. James had come after the nurse, who sat with me, rang him for me, telling him he should come in. I know there's something they're not telling us, I can see it in their faces when they were talking to me and James, explaining to us what tests they were going to perform, on our mother. Checking to see if she had reactions in her legs, in her arms and any pupil dilation. They should have an idiot doctor, who can explain their mumble jumble, to me in English. Get Janet to come down here and explain it to me. She knows what I'm like, putting up with my hardass ways, over the years. Putting up with my constant hassling, sitting by my teammates bedsides, waiting for them to wake up or keeping them company, playing a hand of gin when we were extremely bored.
Hearing a door open behind me, I turned round to see James get to his feet, the doctor come down the corridor with his white coat, floating up behind him while he was communing with the nurse following him, writing down his every word. Folding my arms across my chest, I shared a look with James, stepping closer to my side, having the same feeling I had in my gut. Something was wrong. You could see it on the doctor's face, expressionless with a sad look to his eyes. I felt like slapping it off his face; send him back in there, to come back out with some good news.
Nodding their heads at each other, the nurse smiled at James and me, returning back down the corridor. The doctor shoved his stethoscope into his pocket, straightening his tie. "Mr O'Neill, would you take a seat please?"
Checking behind James and me, I pointed to James to take a seat, pulling my pants up round my waist as I sat down. The doctor sat down beside me, messing with his wedding band. "The results of the tests we just perform, aren't looking good, Mr O'Neill. There isn't a better way to put this, so I'll just have to come right out and say it. The trauma of the crash, affect your mother's spine and the brain stem, and from the results of the EEG we performed earlier, shows there isn't any activity in your mother's brain. At the moment, the only thing keeping your mother alive is the machines, we've got hooked up to her." He said, pinning my brother and me with his eyes. "I'm sorry"
"So what does that all mean?" James asked, his hands shaking just like mine were, tightly embedded in between my legs.
"Your mother's brain dead, she won't be waking up" The doctor said, fidgeting with his pager.
James got up out of his seat, pacing back and forth, racking his hands through his hair. "But she's breathing, she's alive. She's not dead. They both can't be dead"
Sitting forward onto my knees, clasping at my hair, rocking back and forth on the chair, praying for Sam to be here. James's trainers squeak against the shiny floor, his pace becoming erratic, whipping from one direction to the next. A lost child in a busy shopping complex was all that came to mind, hearing his squeaky trainers. It couldn't be happening to us, to me. Things were only supposed to happen in three's, not FOUR's. When did they start happening in FOUR's? Was it me that was cursed? Was everything I touched, supposed to turn sour after a certain time?
The doctor's movements, drew my attention to him, looking into his brown eyes, I saw his compassion embedded into his eyes. "I'm sorry, Mr O'Neill. But there's something I have to talk with you about. While your mother has now been officially, declared as... brain dead, there is still a chance to save some lives, with the help of your mother"
"What d'ya mean?" I asked noticing James, almost ripping his t-shirt from around his neck, his breathing becoming more irregular than his movements.
"I want you and your family, to consider donating your mother's organs, so we could save some other lives from her death. In a way you can think that your mother died for a reason. Maybe even saving a young girl's or boy's life" He said with his bleeper, bleeping mid way through his little talk, cutting it short. "I'm sorry, they need me. I'll be by later to find out your answer. Please, ask one of the nurses, to explain it some more to you, if you still are unsure of what I'm proposing to you. Excuse me"
With that he left the two of us, James came to a sudden halt, his hands on his hips, his eyes focus on the wall in front of him. Scratching the back of my neck, I stood up beside him, following his gaze to the wall, feeling the tension radiate from his body. Placing a hand on his shoulder, his head lolled towards me, snivelling he lunged forward at the wall, pounding his fist into the wall, kicking the wall as he shouted at me.
"WHY? WHY THEM? WHY NOW?"
Quickly jerking him towards me, constricting his arms round his body, his curses lost on my ears. "STOP! Just stop, James! They're gone. There's nothing any of us could've and can do, to bring them back. They're gone"
He sagged against me, burdening me with his weight while he cried, clawing at my jumper, sobbing freely into my shoulder. Stroking a hand down the back of his head, I shushed his crying away, wishing I was as braver as he was, crying in front of everyone, who was in the vicinity and could hear him cry. There'll be time for me to cry yet, right now though; my brothers and Kate need me, with the added bonus of our mother's death. Seeing her lying there like death warmed up, her icy appearance was enough to tell me there was something wrong, but I hadn't let it seem important at the time. The amount of times I've seen death, I should be able to spot it a mile away. Coming across smoking corpses after a battle. Bullet holes in chests, their life sources seeping away with time.
They'd whisked her off to the operating theatre, my signature still fresh on the piece of paper I'd signed, consenting to have my mother's organs harvested. Put to some use that would safe some others lives. By now on this Sunday morning, her organs were probably in different parts of the country, ready to be put into whoever had won the lottery, getting a new heart or kidney, which ever they'd needed. She would've wanted it that way. Giving someone a new lease of life, putting herself out so that could happen. Whenever there was a charity function or something for the needy, she'd do whatever she could do to help out. Do her bit for her fellow man. It could've been as simple as giving old clothes in, or holding a cake stall at one of their functions, but she'd do her bit.
Coming from an age when they helped the stranger down the road, or they'd put themselves out so someone else could have something, she'd put a good example to me and the rest of us. Both my parents did their bit, but it was mostly my mother, who was the charity person in our family. If she'd known what kinda work, I'd done while at the SGC, saving people from slavery and helping those needy cultures, who needed supplies and other things, she would've of been proud of me, and for what the SGC stands for, to all those people we've helped over the years. That was how she brought us up to be, to be autonomous.
Gulping down another mouthful of beer, we all sat in the dining room of my mother's house, quietness except for the TV, played over everyone's ears, each of us taking in the extra news in our own way. Rob hadn't said a word since I explained it to them, what the doctor had told me and James, when he'd come back from whatever he'd been paged for. From the jeep going into the driver's side, the car was shook so hard. The front airbags didn't kick in quick enough. When they did inflate, my mother was midway between the dashboard and her seat. Slammed back into her seat by the airbag, her head smacked the headrest so hard. It did extreme damage to her neck.
So whatever my father had been trying to do, it was pointless because she would've come out of it, as a vegetable anyway. Carrying out the rest of her days, living on machines, doing just the basic tasks that are so easy to the rest of us. They were both dead, the minute they crossed the white line at the cross section. With Kate being confine into the back, their seats and the back seat had cushioned her, bumping her about when the jeep smacked into them.
I could see it in her eyes, she was blaming herself, picking at the tablecloth, my mother had always kept, on the dining table, stopping the vase of flowers, scratching the oak top. Kate was very much like me, bottling things up till she was ready to explode, anyone who so happen to be there, would receive the full force of her wrath. There's one occasion when I'd so happen to be that person, taking her insults and slaps round the face with a pinch of salt, agreeing with her that her recently ex-boyfriend, was an asshole and should be shot at dusk. It made me realise what some of my ex-girlfriends, had probably said something like that about me, cursing and hexing me with their bitching to their girlfriends.
The phone shrilled in the kitchen, we all looked towards the saloon doors, watching for either Ann or Barbara to answer the phone. Waving a tea towel, Ann seized the phone from its cradle, killing the attention seeking phone's ring. I couldn't really hear what she was saying, I returned back to watching my siblings, James red eyes all cried out, hiccupping now, silently to himself. Rob staring fixedly down at his fingers, twisting them one-way, picking at the hard skin, on the under side of his hands, and then cracking his knuckles, like we all had learnt from dad. A gasped came from the kitchen, everyone looked towards the kitchen. The saloon doors clattered opened, creaking with Ann's weight leant onto them.
Looking over to her, holding a hand over the receiver, she was smiling for the first time, since I'd arrived on Friday morning. "Jack, you really need to take this"
Screwing my eyebrows up at her, I pulled my seat out from underneath me, my beer remaining on the table, I walked round James's chair, taking the phone from Ann. Pressing the phone to my ear, I un-stretched the phone, stepping closure to the cradle. I could hear busy people in the background, hearing excited voices that sounded like Linole and Cassie, mixed into together, and Teal'c's bold voice booming out over the top of them both.
"Hello"
"Jack! Congratulations!" Daniel shouted down the phone at me, that hearing aid advert would come to some used, if he shouted down the phone at me again.
Perching up against the doorway to the hallway, I changed the phone to my other ear, gazing over to Ann and Barbara, both with a smile. "Eh? What you going on about, Daniel?"
"Sam, she went into labour yesterday!" Daniel said, my heart suddenly fluttering with his words, my feet shifted my weight around. "Sixteen hours later, and you're now the proud father of a baby boy!"
The phone fell out of my grasp, clunking against the wall, swinging to hit my leg a few times, Daniel's voice asking if I was there, roared out of the phone. My mother died and was replaced by my baby, my son. Took back by the new news, I blinked my eyes a couple of times, Ann chuckled at me, catching the phone when it swung to my leg, handing it back over to me. Pressing the phone against my ear, Linole was now talking down the phone to me.
"Dad! I'm a big sister!" She hollered at me. "I have a baby brother, dad"
"I know." I said in a small voice. "Put Aunt Janet on for me"
The phone exchanged hands roughly, voices talking excitedly in the background, a car passing by wherever they were standing. "Jack, I'm so pleased for you. Congratulations"
"Thanks" I said un-heartedly. "How's Sam?"
"She's okay, a little sore but she's okay. She shouted... actually more like she screamed for you, but she's okay. The baby's okay too. A perfect little boy" She said in a rushed voice, all of them caught up in the electrifying atmosphere, which was probably clouding over where they were. (Too bad it wasn't spreading over here). "I'll leave the details to Sam to tell you. She told me to tell you, she loves you and she can't wait for you to come home. Do you want me to tell Sam anything?"
"Yeah" I said turning my back to the rest of the family, dragging my fingers through my hair. "Tell her I'm really gonna need her, when I come home, and I'll be home soon"
She must have picked up on the sadness in my voice, quietening down the rest of them, her voice turning serious on me. "Are you okay, Jack? Has something happen to your mother's condition?"
"I can't discuss it over the phone. I'll come home tomorrow, get Daniel or Teal'c, to meet me at the airport" I said, viciously wiping away a tear that escaped, swallowing my feelings back down. "Tell Sam, I love her"
"Will do. Bye Jack" She said, questions being asked to her from the silent group, surrounding her on the other side of the phone call.
"Bye" I said, hesitantly putting the phone back in the cradle, cushioning my head against the wall with my hand, supporting myself against the wall.
A hand rubbed over my back, persuading me to turn towards them, offering me something I've needed since I got here. Barbara comforted me, congratulating me while reassuring me that it was okay, for me to leave them so soon after my mother's death. I just stood there with my arms round her, her smaller frame keeping me up, substituting herself for Sam in this grave hour. I should be ecstatic right about now. Jumping about the house, screaming out I'm a father again, letting the whole world know, Samantha Carter is the mother of my child. A self fulfilling prophecy, coming true in our day and age. A dream set in stone years ago, bringing about the era of O'Neill and Carter. Smashed by my grief hanging over my head, dulling me from feeling other than remorse, for the deaths of my parents. My own thought coming true. My own son came to replace my mother.
Meeting Janet and Linole off the plane, we exchanged a hug between us, I carried Linole out of there, clinging to something good, that brought me some comfort in my hour of need. Driving over to the hospital, Linole filled me in on the details of her moment, coming to Sam's aid when she called out to her. Ringing Janet and then following her instructions, remembering where I had put Sam's over night bag, getting her out the front while conducting her friends, to remain in the house till Uncle Daniel arrived. The smile I tried to put on, didn't quite reach my lips, turning more into a grimaced than a smile. She started to pick up on the signs, clinging to me, asking me what was wrong, causing a whimper to choke out of me. Thankfully we arrived at the hospital, so Linole's mission turned from interrogating me, to getting me up to the fourth floor, dragging me wherever she was taking me.
Fed up with being led around by her, I slung her up and over my shoulder, she laughed over my shoulder, her head swinging side to side, tickling at my sides. Janet patted me on the shoulder, when we rounded round a turn. I saw Cassie standing with a tall dark haired guy, their hands joined together, standing in the doorway of, what had to be, Sam's room. They must have heard Linole's laughter, her endless chatter coming from behind me, because they both looked at Janet and me, Linole's legs pinned against my chest. The guy moved aside out of our way, pausing in the doorway, I looked the guy up and down, putting Linole down. She ran off while I glared at him, spending my Uncle/father 'watch your step' glare at him.
Cassie hugged me, kissing my cheek quickly, whacking me gently on the arm knowing what my look at the guy, next to her was all about. Gliding a hand over my crisp shirt, I advanced into the crowded room, finding everyone from the General to Alex, spread out within the room. My boots clunked against the shiny floor, nearing the bed where my angel sat, the smile that came to my face, wasn't put on or forced on. The only genuine smile I've smiled, for the first time in the past three days.
"Hey you" She said to me, scooting over to let me, have some room to sit down.
"Hey" I said, folding my leg up underneath me, tilting towards her, we kissed moderately with the company that was in the room, still getting the love and tenderness we always share, across in one brief kiss. Whispering to her, "I'm so proud of you"
Her cheeks blushed at my praise, her eyes trailing over to something over my shoulder, coming round to her side of the bed. Bending round to take a look, my eyes widen at the small bundle, held securely in the arms of her only granddad. Jacob cooed at the youngster, giving him over to Sam's strong arms, uncovering his face, hidden beneath the blanket he was wrapped in. Stroking a finger down his small cheek, footsteps and sounds of shoes squeaking and the clicking of heels, went towards the door, closing it behind them. He was so small. Charlie was quite big when he was born, nearly two foot in height when he was born.
The baby coughed while Sam offered him over to me, overwhelmed with it, I sheepishly let her put him in my arms, awing inwardly at his brown eyes, squinting out at me from under his eyelids. "Jack, say hello to your baby boy"
Kissing him gently on the forehead, his eyes were drifting shut. "Hello there"
With him there in my arms, it was like there was no one else, in the room with us. Just him and me. It felt weird to have something so small in my arms, but so right at the same time. My baby boy was here with me, the love of my life here with me, with our big girl outside, while my big boy was watching down over us, with his grandparents joining him. Looking at him you could see he was Sam's kid, his little dimple nose, the mouth was certainly hers and the golden shine of the few hairs he had, were definitely from Sam. I saw a lot of Charlie's qualities, probably mine but I associated them more with Charlie. Tracing my finger down his cheek, tucking the blanket under his chin, my heart rose from where it sank to, from all grief I'd endured over this weekend.
"Jack" She said, bringing me out of my examination. "How's your mum doing?"
I felt my smile fade away, the baby in my arms began to cry, prompting Sam to take him from me, rocking his distress away. "She's dead"
It came out colder than I expected it too, my eyes swelled with the tears, some of the tears I'd held back from crying for my dad, were reinforced by the tears I'd yet to shed for my mother. Laying the baby into the cot, beside her bed, Sam gathered me up into her arms, caressing the back of my neck with her fingers, cradling my head against her shoulder. Embracing her like I've needed to do, I sobbed into her shoulder, her gown acting as a sponge for my tears, soaking them up when they'd dropped off my cheek, splashing down into the fabric of her gown. She whispered how sorry she was, shifting in her bed closure to me, snuggling in against me.
Digging out the last of the tears, we parted but not too far, hands touching and holding onto the other, mutually our eyes meeting on the small cot. Her hand ran down the side of my face, noticing my bruised nose and the faint bruises scattered around my face, her fingers feathering over them. "What happened to your face?"
"Rob" I said, gently clasping her wrists, taking them away from face, fondling with her slender fingers. "I've got to go back up sometime this week, sort out the will's. James's gonna sort the funerals out. Kate and Rob are still a bit out of it. She's blaming herself, you know?"
"She's too much like you" Sam said, entwining our fingers together, tugging on my shirt to straighten it. "You ought to get back up there, ASAP"
"I'm not going anywhere without you, I can't deal with this on my own" I said squeezing her hand, stroking her longest hair out of her face. "When you two are cleared, we'll excused Linole from school and we'll all head to Chicago. I need you there with me"
Making a move towards me, the door opened from the corridor, Daniel popped his head round the door, smiling at us both, losing it slowly when he saw the look on our faces. "Am I interrupting?"
"No, no" I said, gesturing for him to come in. "You can all come back in"
Before the last word was uttered, out of my mouth, the whole group was back inside the room, blocking up the doorway, gathering around the bed and the cot. Linole came out from behind Alex, flying up onto the foot of the bed, clambering across to get to the cot, watching the sleeping baby. Teal'c standing at the back, towering over everyone with his 'I love Aliens' hat on, Cassie had brought him when she'd took a trip to Roswell, quieten everyone in their small group.
"O'Neill" Teal'c said, inclining his head slightly. "Have you and Major Carter, came to a decision, on a name for your child?"
Pouting my lips together, our eyes lock with each other for a moment, hearing grunts and coughs from the male members in the room, attempting to draw our attention to them, but it didn't work. Sam glanced to the baby for minute, gazing down to the cot. I felt her eyes come back onto me, her legs wiggling underneath the blanket, covering her bed.
"Have you got a name?" She asked me, messing with my collar, her hand flattening my shirt against my chest.
Mulling over it for a minute, the only name that came to mind, was my father's middle name, a good strong Irish name, passed to him by my grandfather. "Malachi"
The group of friends erupted into gossiping and whispering, approving the name that I had chosen, the only approval I seek was Sam's, which she gave with a nod of her head. "Malachi, it is then. Malachi O'Neill"
Kissing her on the cheek, everyone swamped round the bed, all saying hello to Malachi again, using his name for the first time. Linole fought everyone off, wanting to stay at the front of the mob, protecting her baby brother from the hands of the adults, wanting to touch Malachi. I smiled at her, whacking Daniel's hand away, picked up above everyone by Teal'c, moving her aside from the cot. Sam snuck her arms round my body, murmuring into my ear that we'd go together, when we were all able to go. Oh how I love this woman.
To Be Continued
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