Leaving it in the room.
Leaving it in the room.
by Katie C
Title: Leaving it in the room.
Author: Katie C
Email: katieclampin@yahoo.co.uk
Category: MissingScene/Epilogue
Episode related: 405 Divide and Conquer
Season: Season 4
Pairing: Sam/Jack
Rating: G
Warnings: none
Summary: Janet helps Sam with the events of Divide and Conquer.
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author(s).
Sam Carter closed the front door behind her, fighting the urge to sink on to the floor, curl up in a ball, and stay there a time. A long time.
'Forever should cover it' she thought.
Summoning from somewhere the energy, she continued down the hall. Reaching the kitchen, she flipped the light and opened the fridge to inspect its contents. A bottle of wine, long-life milk and some suspect looking cheese. All this time off world didn't lend itself to a well stocked larder. Sam extracted the wine and placed it on the counter.
"Drinking alone" she said out loud to the empty room. "Never a good sign."
Pouring herself a healthy glassful, she moved through to the bedroom, trading street clothes for comfortable track pants and sweater, resolutely thinking of nothing but the task in hand. That done, she moved back to the living room and sank gratefully into the embrace of her couch. Closing her eyes, she took a long sip of wine and wondered to herself 'now what do I do?'
Unbidden, images of the last few days filled her mind; the attack on the leader of the Tok'ra High Council, Lieutenant Astor's death, Martouf dead in her arms............ and then there was Colonel O'Neill. Suddenly overwhelmed, Sam buried her face in a cushion and started to cry - tears of misery that she hadn't been able to shed at work. Had to be strong - ignore Janet's well meant fussing, General Hammond's quiet empathy, her commanding officer's concern, albeit tempered with discomfort. Ignore them, or she risked turning into a blubbering heap in the middle of the gate room, or during the debriefing, or during the obligatory medical exam, or while watching Martouf's body being taken back to the Tok'ra. Had to deal with Jolinar's memories over that one too. Sam had looked for Jack O'Neill after all that, wanting to be sure that things were okay between them, that things could be as they had before, but he'd already left the base with Daniel. Probably to do some informal debriefing without her. Great.
A knock at the door intruded on her thoughts. Thankful for the interruption, Sam padded softly down the hall and opened the door. Janet Fraiser stood on the threshold, large takeaway pizza in one hand, bottle of the wine in the other.
"I bring food and wine. And a listening ear if required" she said.
Sam hesitated, then smiled gratefully and stood aside to let the doctor past.
"Thanks Janet. Come on in."
Grabbing an extra wineglass from the kitchen as they passed, the two women settled themselves on the couch, the pizza in between them. In the four years that Sam had been at the SGC, she and Janet had become close friends. It helped that they were able to tell each other about a bad day at the office without worrying about letting something slip, but there was more to it than that. And Sam was grateful that of the medical staff, it had been Janet who had been witness to the Za'tarc thing. That didn't mean however that she was sure she wanted to have the coming conversation.
"So . . . . . . . . . . . . . " Janet said eventually.
"So . . . . . . . . . . . . . " Sam echoed.
Janet Fraiser looked at her friend closely. She could see that Sam was reluctant to talk about what had happened, and she knew why. Because any conversation about the last few days would inevitably lead to a discussion about Jack O'Neill, and although Janet was well aware of Sam's feelings about the man, it had remained a taboo subject between them. She'd tried to bring it up tactfully when Sam had been working herself into an early grave trying to get the Colonel back from Edora, tried to let her know she was there if needed, but . . . . . . . . . . . .
Reaching out, Janet squeezed Sam's hand briefly.
"Sam, I'm here as your friend. Not as your doctor, not as part of the Air Force; just someone who is worried about you, and wants to help if she can."
Sam gave a small smile and squeezed back.
"I know Janet. Thank you." A pause. "I'm glad you were there today, and thank you for trusting me, for giving me a chance to prove that Zatarc testing thing was wrong."
"You're welcome. Although, it's not as though I was looking forward to sedating you until who knew when." The doctor felt a small chill at the memory. The look on Sam's face as she had started sedating her, the look that said 'please look after me, don't let anything bad happen while I'm asleep'. Not a moment she'd forget in a hurry, that much was certain. Being your friend's doctor sometimes involved difficult choices, she reflected. However, that was a topic that would wait for another evening and another bottle of wine. Her concern at the moment was the woman sitting opposite her, staring into her glass of wine as if it held all the answers. Sam looked up at that moment
"I killed Martouf, Janet." So softly Janet strained to hear it.
"You had no choice Sam."
"Didn't I? Was there something I should have done differently.......?"
"Sam, you had no choice." More forcefully this time. "In that situation there was no room to take a chance. Martouf knew that. He knew what was at stake, what he was asking you to do."
"I know, I know, it's just . . . . . . Why did it have to be me, why did it have to be him . ." Sam's voice trailed off, and she returned to staring at her wine. Finally she looked Janet in the eye.
"You know, it was almost as if I could hear Jolinar screaming as I pulled the trigger, even though she's dead. It felt so strong, as though I was her, killing the love of my life. Oh God, Janet, I . . . . . . . . ."
Sam started to cry again. On instinct, Janet slid across the couch, discarding the untouched pizza, and put her arms around her friend.
"Sweetheart, I am so sorry. I just wish there was something I could do."
"This is good" was the mumbled response into her shoulder.
"Cry all you want honey. I'm going nowhere."
After a while, Sam's tears stopped, and she sat up wiping her eyes. She saw the look of concern on Janet's face, and the wet patch on her shoulder.
"Janet, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to do that."
"That's okay. Crying is good, despite its bad press in the Air Force." Seeing the skeptical look on Sam's face, she added,
"Trust me, I'm a doctor." That raised a smile at least. Okay, now for the next part. It was important for Sam to deal with her feelings over the death of Martouf, but Janet was sure it was just as important to get Sam to at least acknowledge what had happened between her and Colonel O'Neill. Because if she didn't, and he didn't, and it all came out at the wrong time; Janet shuddered inwardly at the thought.
Sam saw the look on her friend's face change, and knew her well enough to know why. Janet was working out how to bring up something difficult, and it didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what. Taking a deep breath, Sam took the plunge.
"I looked for him before I left, but he'd already gone. With Daniel."
"What did you want?"
It was a simple enough question, but Sam found herself uncertain of the answer. What had she wanted from Jack O'Neill? Was it just reassurance that they could leave it all behind in that room, as she'd thought when she went looking, or something more? Did she want him to say exactly how much more he cared for than he should? Or for him to take her in his arms, hold her, and promise everything was going to be okay, that they'd find a way . . . . . . .
"God, what a mess" she said abruptly, getting up from the couch and pacing, as if movement could stop the thoughts she'd kept buried for so long. Thoughts of her and Jack together. She sat back down again quickly, and took another deep breath.
"Janet, I know I'm not supposed to feel this way about my commanding officer, and I know why. And until this, I was doing okay. Hell, most of the time, I had myself fooled. That it was just, I don't know, just a side-effect of working so closely together, going through so much, no more than a crush that would pass . . . . . . . " she paused.
"But you don't feel the same way about Daniel or Teal'c."
"Hey, it's my subconscious I'm lying to. She's just a dumb blonde."
They both smiled at that, but Sam's smile faded quickly.
"But what happened today, finding out that he feels the same way . . . . . . . . "
"You had no idea before?" Janet wasn't entirely sure she believed that.
"I'm getting good at lying to myself I suppose. Especially after what happened on Edora. I mean, all that work I did, and he didn't even seem pleased to be rescued." Sam hesitated a second. "For a while after that, I had it under control. Sure it hurt, but knowing that he couldn't feel the same way, that nothing would ever happen. It gave me some perspective I guess."
"Then today, when you gave me whatever that was, it suddenly all made sense. Why he wouldn't leave on Apophis' ship, why he was willing to undergo Freya's procedure, why that damned machine thought we were Za'tarcs."
"I still didn't quite believe it though, even when I was convincing him that it was the only explanation. It's just as well I was still half drugged, or I'd never been able to . . . . . . "
Sam stopped speaking, her mind replaying events for the umpteenth time. Her explanation to her commanding officer of why they weren't Za'tarcs had felt at the time as if she were exposing her innermost self, and no small part of her had expected him to tell her politely the Za'tarc theory was entirely more plausible. But he hadn't done that. Oh no. He'd sat there, strapped to that machine and admitted in front of an audience, no less, that he would rather die than lose her. And then she'd sat there and confessed much the same thing, unable to meet his gaze as she did so, and keenly aware of Janet and Teal'c watching above. At the time, suggesting that they leave it in the room had seemed like the only option, the only way they could continue to work together as before. Now she wasn't so sure.
"When it was all over, while you and Teal'c were coming down, I didn't give him a chance to say anything." Sam spoke softly, eyes back on her now empty wineglass. "I leapt in and told him that nothing we'd said had to leave that room." She looked up at Janet, her eyes uncertain.
"And what did he say to that?" Janet asked, matching Sam's soft tone.
"He asked if 'we' would be okay with that."
A pause was met with a raised eyebrow from the doctor.
"And you said yes."
Sam nodded in response.
"But now you're not sure."
"No. Yes. I mean . . . . . . . . . "
Janet waited patiently for her friend to collect her thoughts, quietly refilling wineglasses. Sam sighed.
"I'm not sure there's anything left to say."
Janet's eyebrows disappeared into her hair at this.
"Okay, okay, so there's a lot of things we could say, but what's the point? I have feelings for my commanding officer that I shouldn't have, and worse he feels the same. I can't do anything about the way I feel, and I guess he can't either. But we can't act on it. So we have to try and go back to the way we were before, and talking about what happened, how we feel, will only make that harder." Sam sighed, and felt tears welling up in her eyes for the third time that night. Angrily, she rubbed them away.
"Of course, not talking about it could be what makes it harder, and if we talked it through . . . . . . . . ." Sam shook her head, the scene playing out in her head. Sitting her commanding officer down, having a touchy feely conversation about how they felt, what they were going to do about it; nope, they hadn't covered that one at the academy. She chuckled to herself, earning a raised eyebrow from Janet.
"Can you picture Colonel O'Neill being a willing participant in that conversation?"
Janet smiled at the image her mind generated. Jack O'Neill may be an excellent soldier and commander, but she'd seen his file and knew that he had his own methods for dealing with distress. Talking was not one of them.
The two women met each other's eyes, reaching the same conclusion almost simultaneously. It was Sam who spoke.
"It has to stay in that room, doesn't it?"
She made it a question despite knowing the answer. If she and Jack opened up to each other, explored their feelings, then that act was likely to alter their relationship to a point where working together in a chain of command would prove difficult. And she didn't think either of them were ready to make that change yet.
Janet's voice intruded.
"You know you can talk to me any time you need to." Sam smiled slightly, and gave Janet's hand a grateful squeeze.
"Thanks Janet. That means a lot, but I think need to put the whole thing in a box and leave it there. Talking about it just makes it seem real."
"Whatever you want." Janet responded.
They shared a long look, until eventually Sam took a shaky breath and closed the subject.
"So tell me, how's Cassie? It seems like ages since I've seen her."
"She's great, and she asks about you all the time . . . . . . . . "
The End.
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