Whole
Whole
by Kat.H
TITLE: Whole
AUTHOR: Kat.H
EMAIL: Kat.H@zoom.co.uk
CATEGORY: Angst, Sam/Jack
SPOILERS: None
SEASON / SEQUEL: any
RATING: PG
CONTENT WARNINGS: male/female relationship, violence
SUMMARY: Sam leaves the SGC because for Jack. (But don't panic! I can't say anything more than that!)
STATUS: Complete
ARCHIVE: Heliopolis
DISCLAIMER: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. We have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the authors. Not to be archived without permission of the authors.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Feeeddddbbbbbbbaaccckkk!!!!!!!!!!! PLEASE! This is my first story so please tell me what you think! But bear I mind, I'm only little!
Sam sat sobbing on her bed in her quarters. It was over. She should have known it was too good to last. She had gone to see the Colonel in his office. He had been drinking, hard by the looks and sounds of him. She had been about to leave when he had hit her. He had started yelling. She had never seen him like this before. He had hit her again and she had fallen, hitting her head on his desk and jarring her shoulder. He had then kicked her on the floor. She just cowered there. This wasn't happening to her. It couldn't be. He had sunk onto his couch and she made a run for the door. She fled the room, looking back over her shoulder every, fearing he would follow her.
Now she sat here, cradling her right arm and shoulder. Her head hurt and she felt sick, a result of him kicking her. But more so from the fact her C.O., her friend, and her confidant, had attacked her. Her head was still bleeding and she knew she had to get to see Janet. She grabbed a cap and pulled it, covering the gash on her head and forming bruises. She then ventured out. She took the least used route to the infirmary. Tears stained her cheeks and blood had already soaked through the cap. When she reached the infirmary, she found Janet talking to the very person she was running from. She hid in Janet's office, crouching between the wall and the desk to keep out of sight. She wrapped her arms around her knees and lowered her head. The tears began to fall again. What was she going to do? She would have to have a transfer as far away from here as possible. She couldn't stay, not now. The door opened and Sam froze in fright. The door closed and footsteps moved across the room. Janet came into view. She rushed to Sam's side and Sam just fell sobbing into her arms.
That had been a year ago today. Her life had changed since then. She had left the SGC and resigned from the Air Force. She was working at a remote telescope in Arizona, and living in the telescope's small apartment. She spent most of her time alone. Every so often a colleague or tourist would turn up but she could go for weeks without any outside contact, which suited her fine. She had no family, as such. Her mother had died when she was younger, she hadn't spoken to Mark in years and dad was with the Tok'ra. She didn't have any friends either. She had left early one morning, a week after the incident, and had told no one where she was going. She just couldn't bear it any longer.
She spent her days studying the information she had gathered the night before and the majority of the night gathering more information. She rarely had more than 5 hours sleep a night as each night she was haunted by images of him. She ate only enough to keep her alive and only when she was near collapse. She had lost over half her weight. Her eyes carried larges bags beneath them and her hair grown long as she didn't have the energy to bother about her appearance. Her once slender now skinny figure was hidden and swamped by her baggy clothes. She had lost all zest for life. She was civil with people but never made friends. Her heart had frozen and stopped. She was a living shell, emotionally and physically. No one from her past would have recognised her if it weren't for the nametag she wore. She had changed so much.
She heard a car pull up out side as she was studying some data she had gathered last night on a nebula. It was late afternoon and unusual for guest but she didn't take any notice. People didn't always follow the rules. She didn't even bother to move as she heard the door open. They would look around, then leave like everyone else did. If she were unlucky, they would ask her a few questions and she would reply in short clipped sentences (totally unlike her former self). That was how it had been for the past year. She had no reason to believe today would be any different so she continued with her analysis.
"Sam?"
She span around like lightening. It was a voice from her past, the voice she had and still was running from, that haunted her waking and sleeping moments. Over a year ago, her heart would have flipped when he said her name. Now it seized. How had he found her? She had made certain she left no trace to her whereabouts. She didn't want to be found. Particularly by not him. She quickly moved to put the desk she had been working at between him and her. The look of that crossed his face was nothing compared with what she was feeling. All of the emotions she had thought she had felt behind flooded back. The pain, fear, hurt, confusion, betrayal, anger; it all flooded back, smashing down the barrier she had built to stem that very flood. This time, like her last encounter with him, she had no defences.
"Oh God Sam. I'm so sorry."
His voice was a whisper. He sounded truly sorry. But it didn't stop the pain. She touched her head where she had a scar, hidden under her hair. She had gotten it from him.
"Is that supposed to make me forget and forgive?" Her voice was harsh and raw with emotion. He moved towards her and she backed away hitting the wall. Trapped! She desperately tried to think of a way out but there was none. She was weak from lack of sleep and malnourished, no match for him now. Maybe before she could- should have defended herself but the shock of her predicament had frozen her.
"What can I do?"
"Nothing. You've already shown how you feel. You made it perfectly clear. Now leave."
"For crying out loud, Sam. I'm not going to just leave now. I've spent a year looking for you. Please just listen to me." He moved towards her again and she found her way out. She saw her gun, the one she had brought as a teenager, and grabbed it, pointing it at him, her hand shaking.
"Stay right there. Don't come any closer or believe me, I will shot you."
"Okay. Calm down. Just listen to me. Please. Then I'll leave if you still want me to."
"Fine. But don't hold your breath that you'll change my mind."
"Okay." He took a deep breath and then started. "I was drunk. I know it's no excuse but it's true. It was the 7th anniversary of Charlie's death. Sara had just made me sign the divorce papers so she could re-marry. And one of my best friends from my Black Ops days had just been reported KIA. I was...am his kids' godfather but had put off seeing him because I couldn't be bother to drive up to New York where they live. I was angry and hurting and turned to drink. I was on my second bottle of whisky when you turned up. I was pretty, hell, very far gone. I'll be truthful I don't remember much of what happened. I only remember snatches. I don't remember what I did to you. Janet told me after. When you left my office that night, I went to see her. She told me to go and sleep. Apparently I refused and when Teal'c tried to take me to my quarters, I attacked him. I was locked in the brig for a week. I do remember the hangover and believe me it was bad. By the time I got out you had left. Janet said you had left because of me. I take it that is true?" Sam nodded. "I thought so. I'm so sorry. I know that will never heal the pain but what can I do to stop you fearing me? Please Sam. I can't bear to have you scared of me. Please. I beg you."
"Why did you attack me?"
"I've told you. I-"
"No," she said, her voice quiet but held conviction. "I know you. I have known you long enough to know when you're lying. At least I thought I did. I don't know you any more. I can't trust you anymore. But I can see you're lying. There's something you're not telling me. What is it?"
"You want to know why I attacked you personally when you did nothing to me?" She nodded. "I saw you as...as someone I couldn't have, as a frustrating fact in my life, something I wanted to do something about but couldn't. I love you. I have since you challenged me to an arm wrestle. But I could never have you. You walking in on me when I was feeling so depressed was another kick to my...ego I guess. I blamed you for how I was feeling. I know it was unfair but that was how I felt. I was drunk and the only thing I could think of was to stop loving you. Hurting you wasn't my aim. I was just angry, drunk and you were there. I love you Sam."
"You love me so you hurt me?"
"No! God no! I didn't mean to. I didn't know what I was doing. Sam, we've missed you. I've missed you. The SGC isn't the same without you. We can't go on. SG-1 has fallen apart. At least it almost has. The only thing keeping us together is our search for you. We can't do this without you."
"You've managed so far."
"No we haven't. We don't talk. We're hardly civil. I realise now you were our glue. You kept us together. You gave Teal'c hope, particularly after Jolinar. He saw you and saw everything he admired. Daniel saw and still sees you as the big sister he always wanted. You listened to him, encouraged his enthusiasm; you were always there for him. You should see him now. He needs you. I need you. I didn't realise it then but I do. You gave me life back without even knowing it. One of your smiles would light up my week. You helped me through everything that was thrown at me. You give SG-1 a soul, a being. You bring out the best qualities in every single person you meet. Everyone in the SGC has been affected by your leaving because you touched everyone and meant so much to every single person. General Hammond left after you. He said he couldn't enjoy the job any more. Janet has lost a lot of weight; she's haggard and never smiles. People dread their post-mission medicals even more now. Cassie cries every time your name is mentioned. And me. I need you. You are my soul, my heart, my better half."
"If I gave you your life back, why did you take mine away?"
"If there were one thing in my life I could change, it would be that. With Sara, I loved her but was never in love with her. But with you I am. I have missed you every single day."
And Sam believed him. His eyes gave him away. They were filled with hurt as hers were. His hair was nearly all grey. Once he had held himself proud. No longer. His shoulders were stooped in defeat. His face was hollow. Then she saw the door was open. In the doorway stood her friends. Daniel was thin, his face sunken, his eyes empty of the enthusiasm she had so loved about him. Teal'c was as stoic as ever but his large brown eyes were haunted. Janet was smaller; her eyes red from recently crying, her face tear streaked and pleading. And Cassie. She gripped Janet's hand even though she was as tall as the petit doctor. Her eyes were wary and guarded. Yet there was a gleam of hope in them.
"Cassie," Sam whispered. The girl immediately left her adopted mother and ran straight into the open arms waiting for her. Sam hugged the girl tightly, still holding the gun as Cassie wept openly on her shoulder. They held each other as if they would never let go. Janet burst into tears again. Sam looked at the people who she had trusted with her life on more than one occasion. And her heart cracked in two. She couldn't do this. She dropped the gun and sobbed. Janet, Daniel and Teal'c rushed over to her and enveloped her in a huge hug. All were crying even Teal'c had tears in his eyes. It had been a physical ache at first when she had left until she had learnt to shut it out and lock her emotions away. Now they were unleashed and there was no controlling them. She wept openly surrounded by her friends as they clung to her as if she would again vanish from them forever if they let her go. They all meant so much to her and her to them.
But there was one person missing. He stood apart, desperately wanting to join the group but not daring to, knowing he was the cause of all this pain and therefore did not belong in this reunion. The others sensed this unrest and moved away. She looked at him. Tears ran, unashamed, down his face, his eyes held such pain, sadness and guilt. She reached out a hand to him. He rushed into her arms. They sat on the observatory floor crying in each other's arms. A year of pain, sadness, confusion and guilt forced its way to the surface. It could no longer be ignored. They soothed away each other's pain like a gentle balm. The 2 halves were together again.
She spent the next 4 weeks in the SGC infirmary. A year of not looking after herself properly had taken its toll. She slipped into a coma shortly after leaving the observatory to return home, to Colorado Springs. When she woke after 1 week, she found he had never left her side. Janet insisted on keeping her in for 3 more weeks as she was malnourished and exhausted, and to make sure she didn't disappear again. She hardly spoke in her time there. She had grown used to not speaking and living in solitude, a self-made isolation designed to protect her already bruised heart from any more pain. Returning to the world she once knew would not be easy.
General Hammond had been to visit her. He was retired but she couldn't call him by any other name; it didn't feel right. Between the General, Janet, Daniel and Teal'c she heard what had happened in her absence. He had told her some of it but missed out one vital part; what had happened to him. They told her when he had been released from the brig, he had gone to find her. When he couldn't, he went to see Janet who told him what he had done. After that he spent all his downtime searching for her. As angry as people were with him, when he tried to resign they persuaded him not to. But he still searched. He called in every favour, debt and loan he could think of in his attempt. He stopped eating properly and when he wasn't out else where searching, he would wonder around her lab as if searching for the answers there. Even though they were angry with him, they soon become worried about him. Daniel, Janet and Teal'c had managed to keep him together most of the time. But weren't sure for how much longer they could continue to do so. Then one of his contacts produced results. She had been spotted buying computer parts and had been traced back to the observatory. So they had all gone to find her.
She woke up late one night two weeks after first waking from her coma. The nightmares still haunted her and she was surprised and scared to find him sitting in a chair beside her. He had been woken by her thrashing about and knew the source of this and every other one of her nightmares: him. The look in his eyes told her all she wanted to know. She saw he was prepared to go to walk straight out of her life forever if she wanted him to. All she had to do was say. But she found she felt the opposite. She didn't want to live without him. She wanted him in her life again.
"I forgive you," she whispered.
His eyes flooded with relief and he pulled her in to his arms. Knowing she forgave him gave his life meaning once more. For the second time she had given him his life back. He wasn't going to waste it this time.
Both knew they had a long, long way to go still. The trust, comradeship, and air of ease were gone and would take a long time to rebuild. But this was a start. They now knew what life was like without the other, as an incomplete soul searching for the answers. They had found the answers in each other, in their other half. They both wanted to be whole: two halves coming together as a whole.
If you enjoyed this story, please send feedback to Kat.H
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