History Repeated
History Repeated
by Kat H
TITLE: History Repeated
AUTHOR: Kat H
EMAIL: kat.h@zoom.com
CATEGORY: Missing Scene/Epilogue, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Romance
PAIRING: Sam/Jack
SPOILERS: In The Line Of Duty
SEASON / SEQUEL: 4; Epiloge for "Entity"
RATING: PG
CONTENT WARNINGS: angst, male/female relationship, very mild language(one word only I swear).
SUMMARY: After Entity, Sam takes a turn for the worse.
STATUS: Complete
ARCHIVE: Heliopolis
DISCLAIMER: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. We have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the authors. Not to be archived without permission of the authors.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Feed back please! Its the only way I know if theres any point in doing this at all!
"Sir? Colonel? Colonel?! Can I have a word?" asked Doctor Janet Fraiser, cautiously.
"Sure. What can I do for you?" replied Jack O'Neill. Janet led him to the empty briefing room and asked him to sit down. She sat opposite him. She needed to talk to him. But she didn't know where to start. This was something she had only dealt with once, and it had been hard then. The second time culd be disastrous. Jack noticed her hesitation.
"Did you just want to sit here? Coz all you had to do was ask for my company," he said.
'I wonder if he has ever held a single conversion with out being sarcastic at least once,' thought Janet amused. 'But then we all deal with things on a different way. I guess this is just his way.'
"Sir, we have to talk," she announced.
Now Jack knew it was serious and personal.
"Okay. What about?"
"I think you know."
"Carter?"
"Who else? Sir I don't know if she can...cope with this again."
"Again?"
"This is the second time she has tried to help people, someone or something and had her body invaded and her mind taken over. She helps any one she can. It's part of who she is. Because she trusted she paid the price. I don't know if she can open up to outside world. To do so would be opening her up for more pain. After Jolinar, we almost lost her. This is the same."
"You're underestimating her. She's stronger than you give her credit. She'll survive."
"How can you be sure? You saw her after Jolinar. We all thought that was a once off, an accident. It's like lightening striking the same place twice. We never thought it would happen again. But it has. And we have to deal with it. We have to help Sam deal with it."
"Janet, she will survive. She has to," Jack insisted.
"Why? Because you say so? Because it always is? Well the real life isn't like that Colonel. And I refuse to believe you think that. This is the real world and you know it. We almost lost her forever. The fact is we still might. You need to talk to her. Tell her that we are here for her and help her through this. Help her sort out everything she's feeling and thinking. She needs you Sir. And frankly you need her too. I saw your face. I know how you felt when I said it might be best to turn off the machines. I didn't want to lose her either. You both need to sort a lot of things out."
"Why on earth would she want to talk to me? I shot her, for god's sake. Twice. Hell, I actually killed her. I think Daniel or you or even Teal'c should talk to her. Besides you'd all do a much better job than me."
"No sir. It's up to you to do this. If you don't, I can almost guarantee we will lose her for good this time."
And with that she walked out leaving Jack with his thoughts.
Sam entered her apartment and threw her jacket and bag onto the floor. She didn't even bother to turn on the lights. Making her way over to her kitchen she rummaged around in the cupboard. Finally she found what she was looking for: a bottle of whiskey. Making her way back into the lounge, she threw herself on to the sofa and opened the bottle. She took a large swig from the bottle, not even bothering to get a glass. What was the point? What was the point to anything? Every time she went out on a limb, someone or thing chopped it off behind her. She felt violated. It had taken over her body, invaded her mind and suppressed her very being. It had happened again. Something that should not have happened even once had happened twice. History had repeated it's self. What was to stop it doing so again? There was only one thing: to not give it a chance, to not allow it to happen. And the only way to do that was to stop everything, to put herself out of this misery. Sam contemplated this thought. She knew she was sober. True, she had drunk a quarter of the bottle but it took more than that to get her drunk. Two tears escaped her despite her resolve not to cry. Why? Why did this always happen to her? Was she cursed? Why her? This didn't happen to the others.
The doorbell rang.
Sam didn't move. She was not in the mood for company right now. She just wanted to be left alone to get drunk, think about her disastrous past or equally hopeless future, and be totally miserable. Alone.
"Carter?"
Sam cursed. It was Jack, the last person she wanted to see. And the person least likely to take no for an answer and leave her alone. She slumped down even farther in her seat, praying he would believe she was not here and just leave.
"I knew you're in there. Your car is in the lot so open up now. That's an order, Major!"
'Like that's gonna happen! Just go away!' thought Sam.
"Sam?"
Jack sounded unsure now.
'At last! Now turn around and go away!'
"Fine. If that's the way you want it."
'Yes! About time.' But Sam's joy was short lived. She heard a key in the lock, then the door opened letting in one of the very people she could not handle right now. He shut the door behind him and Sam heard him throw the latch.
'Great. He plans to stay.'
"Sam?"
Bright light invaded her eyes and she scrunched them shut tightly. Grabbing the bottle by the neck, she stood and started to make her way to her room, planning on locking herself in there until he took the hint and left.
"Where do you think you are going Major?" asked Jack as he intercepted her before she could even reach the door. Sam hugged the bottle close to her chest as he eyed it disapprovingly. It was her only life-line to complete oblivion and there was no way she was going to let him persuade her that getting totally drunk was not the way to go about things or try and take away her life-line.
"Whiskey?" he questioned. "I thought you were more of a beer girl. Are you supposed to be drinking that? Because I could swear I heard Doc Fraiser say no alcohol with your meds. And sorry to break it to you Major but whiskey is definitely classed as alcohol." He reached to take it from her but she just turned her back on him and sat back down on the sofa, drinking from the now half empty bottle as she did so.
"Okay," said Jack softly. He walked over and sat down next to her. They sat like this for a while, neither speaking, both lost in there own thoughts. Finally Sam broke the silence.
"What can I do for you sir? Because I am off-duty so I would appreciate it you left me alone."
"No can do Carter. Fraiser would have my head on the infirmary wall as a warning to all not to disobey her. Besides I don't think leaving you alone right now would be a good idea."
"So you were ordered here? Well you can go and tell Janet I'm fine and don't need looking after."
"Okay I could have put that better. What I meant was-"
"I knew what you meant. So there, you've said it, you knew I'm fine, now leave!" she snapped, before taking another large swig of whiskey.
"For cryin' out loud!" And he snatched the bottle from her.
"Hey," she protested as he marched in to the kitchen and poured the contents of the bottle down the sink.
"I hope you plan on paying for that."
"No," was all he said.
He then turned around so quickly Sam took a step back in surprise. He gripped her arms, span her in a 180 and marched her back into the living room. He pushed her firmly onto the sofa before sitting on her coffee table in front of here.
"Sam, we have to talk. You can't just ignore what's happened."
"I wasn't. I was in the process of dealing with 'what's happened'."
"By trying to get blind drunk? While you're on meds? Where are they?" he demanded.
Sam pointed to her bag. Jack got up and retrieved her bag from where she had thrown it and returned before she could get out of her seat to escape to her room and lock herself in. Sam protested as he rummaged through her bag. When he found her meds, he dumped her bag on the floor and read the label before holding the bottle in front of her face so she had no choice but to see the label.
"See? 'Do not take with alcohol'. Sam, there's a reason they put that on there. They react badly with alcohol. I wouldn't be surprised if you are throwing up all night now."
"So? Your point is?"
"My point is... that's what you wanted isn't it? You wanted to feel awful? Well, you're going to succeed, believe me."
"What do you want? Because if it's to chat or tell me 'I told you so', get lost. I'm not in the mood."
"Is that anyway to speak to your commanding officer, Major?" demanded Jack, a little annoyed with her attitude.
"Sorry sir!" she near shouted and jumped to her feet and stood to attention. Jack sighed.
"Sit down Carter."
"Yes sir!"
She sat on the very edge of the seat, her back straight, the perfect picture of a model officer with her CO. But Jack wasn't here as her CO, he was here as her friend. And this was not working.
"Sam...I'm sorry. I know you hate me but I want you to know I am so sorry."
This got her attention and she slowly turned around to face him.
"What?"
"God she must really hate me,' he thought as his heart broke.
"I'm sorry."
"What the hell for?" Sam was utterly confused now. What was he going on about?
"For shooting you. For killing you. For almost letting Janet turn off the machines. I almost gave up on you Sam. I will understand if you hate me."
"Firstly, almost is different to doing. Almost means you didn't want to and didn't which in my books counts for a lot. Secondly, I don't hate you. You did what you had to. Remember I did the same thing. I killed Martouf. I was a security risk and could have put the whole base in danger."
"You mean you don't hate me?" he asked in surprise.
"No," was his only reply as Sam returned to her brooding, slumped on the sofa, as she had been when he first found her.
"We still need to talk. Janet's right. We need to clear the air."
"Oh here it comes," she muttered under her breath but Jack still heard.
"Here what comes?"
"The 'I told you so', the 'if you'd only listened to me, this would never have happened'. That's what."
"Well if I remember right, I did."
"Look if that's all you have to say, with all due respectsir, go away. You've said what you had to now leavesir."
Sam made a point of going to the door and opening it. Jack had had enough.
"Fine," he said angrily as he rose and walked over to the door. " You can't say I haven't tried. When you feel in a more respectable mood, I want to see you in my office Major. I won't report this. But don't try it again Major. I am still your commanding officer."
And he stormed off. Sam slammed the door behind him. A minute later she heard a car revving up and types screeching as he drove away. Sam had really pissed him off this time. Then she felt a strange sensation in her stomach. She ran to the bathroom and arrived just in time. She vomited in the toilet.
Major Samantha Carter spent the next 2 hours throwing up in the toilet and crying. Finally when her stomach was totally empty, she felt asleep leaning against the side of the bath.
Jack O'Neill woke up the next morning feeling extremely guilty. He shouldn't have left her. Janet was right. They could easily lose her. And that was something he would not let happen. He had almost lost her once this week. He had seen a future without her and knew it was a future he could not face. It was a life he did not want to live. He dressed hurriedly and was out of his house and on the way to Sam's apartment within 20 minutes of waking up. When he got there, he noticed her living room light was still on. That could not be good. He ran up the stairs to her apartment, taking them 2 at a time. He didn't even bother knocking on her door. He pulled out his key and opened her door. It was exactly the same as when he left last night. He called out her name, not wanting to startle her. But he got no reply. Which made him even more worried. After scanning her living room and kitchen, he headed to her bedroom. He hesitated, his hand on the door handle. What if she was in there? In the end his desire to know if she was all right won and he opened the door. He grew even more worried to find it empty and the bed had not been slept in. That left only one place left: the bathroom. He slowly opened the door, scared to his very being about what he would find. In the short seconds it took for him to open the bathroom door, hundreds of images flew through his head. He didn't like any of them. He found her curled up in a foetal ball, against the bath. Her tear stained face was partly hided by her arms. Her beautiful blue eyes were puffy and staring in to space. Just like she had been after Jolinar. His heart broke and he fell on to his knees beside her. She didn't react. She just lay there, staring at something he hoped never to see. He pulled his mobile from his pocket and phoned Janet. He stroked Sam's hair with his free hand.
"Come on, Janet. Pick up," he muttered.
"Hello?" came a sleepy voice. Jack glanced at his watch: 5:48a.m. No wonder she took so long to answer.
"Janet, it's me. I'm at Sam's. She's..." he trailed off, unsure of what to say. But Janet understood.
"I'll be right there." And she hung up before he could answer. Jack dropped his phone and gently pulled her to him so her head was resting on his lap. He continued to stroke her hair and cheek, and reassuring her though he doubted she even knew his was there.
Janet arrived 10 minutes later and used her own key to enter.
"Colonel?" she called out.
"We're in the bathroom," he replied.
She was instantly at his side.
"Okay. Let's get her out of here. Can you carry her?"
Jack replied by scooping her into his arms. Janet led him to Sam's bedroom and placed her under the covers. Janet pulled out a needle and injected its contents into Sam's arm.
"A mild sedative," she explained at Jack inquiring glance.
"What's wrong with her?"
"It's her body's and minds self-defence mechanism. She has withdrawn inside herself to a dangerous level. Post-traumatic stress. What happened?"
"I don't know. I let myself in and found her like this."
"Did you see or speak to her last night?" demanded Janet as she checked Sam's vitals.
"Yes."
"And?" prompted Janet.
"She was half way through a bottle of whiskey when I found her."
"What? The medication she's on reacts badly with alcohol. I told her that. It was even written on the label. What the hell was she thinking?" Janet asked angrily.
"I told her that. But she wouldn't listen. She knew what she was doing. She wanted..."
"What?"
"Trust me you do not want to know the answer to that."
Janet looked at him in shock. Then nodded and continued her task.
"You had better call the General. And Daniel and Teal'c. She going to need all the friends she can get."
SG-1 and General Hammond sat (or paced in Jack's case) in Sam lounge while Janet Fraiser finished her check on Sam. The tension in the air was almost a physical presence. Finally Janet entered the lounge, shutting Sam's door behind her. All 4 men rose to their feet.
"How is she Doctor?" asked the General.
"Sleeping at the moment. She woke up out of her...I guess you could call it a coma. She just stared at me as if she didn't recognise me, then went back to sleep. I think she is reliving the horror she felt after Jolinar."
"What can you do?"
"I don't think there is anything I can do. She needs to come out of this on her own. There is nothing anyone can do. All I can suggest is that when she is awake, or at least her eyes are open, she is not left alone. Just let her know we are all here. It may work it may not. I'm sorry sir, I really don't know what to do." Janet voice broke and she had to turn away so they didn't see the tears she had been holding ever since this nightmare began spill uncontrollably down her cheeks. It was all very well saying a doctor had to remain unemotional and detached but it is not that easy when it is your best friend and adopted sister who is lying there like that and you can't do a thing.
All in the room understood how she felt. Sam was very dear to them all.
She was staring at him as if daring him to do it. But he couldn't. It would be destroying the very thing that kept him alive. It would be suicide. But he had no choice. He did it. And she fell lifeless to the floor. And all he could do was watch as his lifeline as cut. He watched as she was taken from him. He sat by her bedside but she didn't awake. Then it came. He knew it would but he had hoped for more time. Maybe there was a chance she would wake up and save his soul. But the voice told him different.
"Let her go."
"Brain dead."
"Let her go."
"Living will."
"Let her go."
"No extra-ordinary means."
"Let her go."
"No. She's all I have. I won't let her go. She has to stay with me," he yelled at the voice but it didn't listen. It just continued its chant.
"Let her go. Let her go. Let Her Go. LET HER GO. LET HER GO!!!!!"
"NNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!"
Jack woke up disorientated. Looking around he found he was in Sam's bedroom. It had been a week since he had found her on the floor of her bathroom. And he had these nightmares every night since. She had not changed. Jack checked on her and found she was asleep before returning to his chair and his thoughts. In a week she had not spoken, moved on her own accord, or shown any signs of being alive other than a pulse and her breathing. When she was not sleeping, she would just stare at the ceiling. She gave no indication of even knowing they were there. Sg-1 had taken turns to stay by her side, even when she was asleep. Almost all of the SGC had dropped in a one point of check on Sam. At the moment Jack was here alone. He spent almost all of his time here by her bedside, talking to her, and just being there in case she woke up. He felt so guilty. Everyone told him it was not his fault, that she was in post-traumatic shock or something like that, but this did not help him. He kept telling himself, all this was his fault. He should never have let her try to communicate with that damn thing. Then he killed her. And when she needed him the most he had left her alone, he had abandoned her. Everyone told him otherwise but he ignored them, his heart taking over his head. He knew the others were also hurting and blaming themselves but at the moment he was too wrapped up in his own grief to care.
He looked at her and it broke his heart to see her like this. She looked so pale and small and fragile. Janet had hooked her up to IV's and monitors as she wouldn't eat or drink. He hated seeing her like this. It was not the Sam he knew. There was no spark any more. When she was not sleeping her eyes were dull and lifeless, a cloudy grey. It was as if all the life had been sucked out of her. Gone was the bouncy, enthusiastic, cheerful woman who loved and lived life to the fullest. In its place had been left a lifeless shell of the person she once was. It was enough to make anyone cry out at the unfairness of it all. If there was a real god, how could he do this to someone like Sam? It was too unfair for words.
He stretched out and switched on the radio.
"Let's see what's happening in the world huh Sam?"
He listened absently for a while until a song caught his attention.
"To be completely honest, it scares me to imagine
What life would be without you.
And for this very reason I ask you to forgive me
For what I'm putting us through
Although, there're so many things against us I've decided
That I'm not giving you up, no.
Thinking back, I see what we have is something different
I think we've known all along.
So how fair would it be to divide this love's existence
Between what's right and what's wrong?
And you, always wondering if we'll make it time will tell you
That I'm not giving you up, no, no...
We'll find a way to be together
However long it takes wherever
If it means having you for only a moment
A moment just might be enough
I'm not giving you up, no.
No, I'm not giving you up, no.
Screaming in the silence the promises we've spoken
Come back to haunt me, false and broken
The quiet desperation to see we're lost forever
Searching for water in this desert.
No, I refuse to have to do without your kisses
I'm not giving you up, no, no...
We'll find a way to be together
However long it takes wherever
If it means having you for only a moment
A moment just might be enough
I'm not giving you up, no...
No I'm not giving you up, no
Not giving you up..."
Jack stared at Sam. She couldn't leave him, not now. He had loved from afar for 4 years. Now he knew she felt the same and she could die. Her mind, the thing he loved most about her, may still be intact but only just. And there was nothing he could do about it. But the song spoke his deep resolve. He was not going to give up on her. He could not do that. He was going to help her through this. There was no way she was going to leave him now. He would not let that happen.
"Sam, come back to me. I'm sorry. Please come back to me." And he walked out, unable to stand it any longer.
Sam was dreaming.
She was trapped. She could see everything, hear everything that was happening but could do nothing to stop it. It was going to destroy them all. She fought but it was stronger and just subdued her. All she could do was watch. Then the entity got angry. They were threatening its existence. But it was threatening hers. Her body moved and she had no control over it. She saw the MP's pointing guns at her. Then him. He pointed a zat at her. Her arms raised and she was being pulled up. But she could still see everything. He shot her. Pain surged through her body and she screamed. But this did not stop it. It continued and stared at him. She screamed again, this time in grief.
"No, I'm here. Don't give up on me. Please. Help me. Don't do this," but no one heard. She was almost all out now. Then she saw him shot her again.
"NOOOOO!!!!!!!" But no one heard.
She was dragged away. And she was in limbo, a darkness where she felt she had a place to go but every time she arrived there, it was just as dark as the place she had left. Then suddenly she could see and feel and had control again. But not of her body. She was somewhere else. She could see all over the base. Everywhere. She came alive. And people ran from her.
"Come back. It's me. Can't you see that? Come back!"
But they didn't understand her. They turned away from her; they ran away from her. Then They turned up with him. And she knew they were going to kill her. To terminate her existence, just like the entity had said would happen. She had become the enemy without knowing it. They didn't even know it was she; that she was here. And there was nothing she could do. She screamed with all her might.
"I am here!!"
And they heard.
Sam woke up with a start. She looked around her but found the room empty. Which for some reason she didn't fully understand, she found that odd. She had a very vague impression at there should be someone here or at least there usually was. She slowly pushed herself on to her elbows than sat up. Suddenly she felt an overwhelming need to be comforted and reassured. And as there was no one here, and she couldn't find it in herself to call someone, she settled for the second best thing. She gently pulled out the IV's, which were attached to her, knowing that she shouldn't but needing to do so anyway. She switched off the monitors and pulled the needles out of her arm and hands, hissing as it stung, and laid them on her bedside table. Then she pulled back the covers and climbed out. She opened her wardrobe and rummaged around under her jumpers until she found what she was looking: a small brown teddy bear. It was old and tatty but she loved it. She had been given it as a baby and whenever she needed comforting she always got it out and cuddled it, holding it close to her so it could protect her against the world, which seemed out to get her. It had an amazing ability to calm her down, comfort her, reassure her and protect her from everything. She pulled her blanket off the bed, wrapped it around her, and sat down on the floor in the corner by her bed, hugging the teddy tightly to her chest. It still worked and she soon felt better and was able to do some much-needed mental spring-cleaning.
It was strange. She didn't remember going to bed. The last thing she remembered as arguing with Jack O'Neill...no, it was throwing up in the toilet, feeling absolutely awful, just as Jack had promised her she would. She had curled up and must have fallen asleep. But she had no memory of going to bed or changing into her pyjamas. All she remembered after that was the nightmares, the terrible visions where she relived the horror of being trapped in her body, her own mind, as something invaded her and used her against those she loved. She would be transferred to the computer memory mainframe. Then it would start all over again. She would never get free; never return to her body where she belonged. She remembered vaguely seeing people, hearing them speak to her. But she could not make out their faces or hear their words. She was trapped in a bubble full of nightmares and jumbled images and words. A living nightmare with no chance of waking up. Or so she had thought. The last dream had been different. They had heard her, saved her from the misery of reliving her entombment in her own body and mind. Again. And it was as if her mind had finally realised that she was now safe, that she had been saved and given another chance. It was giving her the chance to live again. And she knew she had some things to sort out. Things that if left would remain so forever as it would never be the right time again. It probably wasn't the right time now but she had died and been given a second (or was she on her third, fourth, or even 20th) chance. She would not let it go. At least she would address the problem at the first chance she got if her resolve had not vanished by then, which was the most likely scenario.
"Sam!"
Sam looked up in shock but could see no one.
'Great. I survived but I'm mad. Typical."
"Oh my god! Sam! Where are you? Don't do this to me," pleaded Jack. Then he came into view. "Carter! Thank God. Are you okay? Why did you pull out the IV's? Janet'll kill you if she knew." He dropped to the floor in front of her, looking her over to check if she was indeed all right.
'Okay. It's now or never. And never its just not an option,' thought Sam determined.
"Jack. I love you."
"I beg your pardon?" replied Jack in total shock. Of all the things he had expected her to say that was not one of them. Okay may in his dreams but in reality...things like that just didn't happen to Jack O'Neill.
"I love you with all my heart, with every part every fibre of my being and I'm so sorry."
"For what?"
"For not listening to you. For not fighting harder. For letting it use me to hurt you. For giving up. For not shouting louder. For-"
"Whoa. Sam, you have nothing to be sorry. You had no choice in the matter. And as for not listening to me, don't worry. No one ever does." He paused as if considering something. Then decided to go ahead. "We were talking about you. And at first I was angry with you for not listening to me, for leaving me. I was all for saying I told you so. But Daniel was right and I realised I was not angry at you but at fate for taking you away from me again. You weren't wrong to try and communicate with...it. It could have easily been a simple misunderstanding. As it happened, yes, I was right. But you are who you are. It is part of your being to try to find peaceful solutions, to learn from whatever you can, wherever you can. It is basically who you are. And I wouldn't have it any other way. It's part of what I love about you and always will, no matter what happens."
"Really?"
"No, I'm saying it because Daniel's going to beat me up if I don't and I'm scared of him." Sam had to laugh at this. "Of course I mean it. Did you?"
Sam nodded.
"I just had to tell you," she said. "I know we kind of spoke of it before but I never actually said I love you. And it was in a room full of people. So I had to tell you in those words to say what I really mean."
"I..."
"Don't. Just hold me Jack. I need to..."
"I understand." And he shifted round to her side and pulled her in to his arms.
Sam sighed. She just had to feel someone's touch. After not being in full control or even contact with her body, it felt soothing to just be held. And right now she just wanted to stay like this forever and not face the world, which held far too many problems for her to handle alone. But she was not alone any more. She had him and he had her.
Jack O'Neill felt exactly the same. And they stayed like this, in each other's arms and hearts, knowing what they had was strong enough to last an eternity.
If you enjoyed this story, please send feedback to Kat H
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