Introducing Mr and Mrs. O'Neill
Introducing Mr and Mrs. O'Neill
by Jojo
Title: Introducing Mr and Mrs. O'Neill
Author: Jojo
Email: randomleaves@yahoo.co.uk
Category: Humor, Romance
Season: Season 4
Pairing: Sam/Jack
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: no info given
Summary: Okay, title is cruelly misleading, but you'll get the idea when you read it.
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author(s).
A/N: Picture this - Sam and Jack have had a really nice, cathartic talk about their situation and have simply adjusted accordingly so that there is UST but they've acknowledged it for my/our general entertainment (not that major UST and angst isn't entertaining, of course).
Another note - I realise the particular situation in this fic would never happen - Jack wouldn't let Sam go through with it, nor would Teal'c and I think Danny would raise the odd objection as well. But, hey, anything for a vague plot, right? *
*
*
Colonel O'Neill was baring his teeth again, a flash of white against the tan he had got from their previous mission. This particular expression was his 'I'm-smiling-threateningly' expression, one which he'd used fleetingly on herself, frequently on Daniel and rarely on Teal'c. Once, when he'd been feeling particularly relaxed, he'd commented that they took you aside after your promotion to Colonel and taught you how to do it. Sam had giggled, which he'd immediately reprimanded her for. They'd shared a small smile over their private, running joke.
" Jack?" Daniel murmured, smiling forcefully and turning to confer with his military leader. " If you could remove that threatening expression off your face, I'm sure these people would relax a little."
The noise that the Colonel made was fairly similar to a growl but he closed his mouth and managed, just about, to look neutral.
The leader, with whom Daniel was conversing, swallowed. Then he continued talking, looking at Daniel and occasionally gesturing to help with Daniel's translation. He swept the sky with a hand, made patting gestures, occasionally hopped, jumped. Then he pointed at Sam.
And looked disapproving.
" Oh God," the Colonel muttered in tones of doom.
The two USAF officers immediately turned towards each other closely, hiding the fact that they were getting something out of their vest pockets. The gold bands glinted in the weak, early morning sunlight and they couldn't help but glance at each other as they slid the bands onto their wedding fingers.
" Mrs. O'Neill," he quipped lightly, as he always did when they were forced into this situation. It was his way of dealing.
The 'wedding bands' were a fairly new addition to the off-world kit - an innovation put forward by Daniel who was sick of trying to explain to patriarchal societies about why women were allowed to travel with them. By saying that the women were married or, in some cases, 'property' of a man on the team, it often got them out of sticky situations and though it pissed Sam off no end, she did see the logic in it. There had been occasions after that first joyous experience on Simirka when the natives had insisted Sam be separated and the Colonel had kicked up a royal fuss, which put Daniel out, and the natives were made to feel their values were being mocked.
So - introducing Mr and Mrs. O'Neill.
Turning back, Sam and the Colonel now stood side by side, their arms just brushing each other.
Daniel explained to the leader, reaching behind him and pulling the Colonel forward, to show him the wedding band, then pointing to the identical one on Sam's finger. Sam, not understanding a word Daniel was saying, busied herself with looking up at the perfect sky and hoping this would all be over and done with soon. The UAV had recorded some interesting footage up in the hills and she wanted to get going as soon as possible - there was a chance she could get some work done before nightfall.
Suddenly, Daniel sighed deeply, held up his hands and gestured to his comrades before turning around. Behind him, the leader went back into the small group of people and began whispering maniacally.
" What is it, Daniel? They not buying it?"
" It's not that. You notice the lack of women in the group?"
Sam glanced up, checking up on something she'd already noticed. " Yes. What about it?"
" Apparently it's a world-wide shortage."
Unconsciously, Sam stepped closer to O'Neill. " Oh?"
" Yes. The policy for a preference of male babies has led to early abortion of female babies."
Teal'c frowned. " Forgive me, DanielJackson, but these people do not look medically advanced enough to predict the sex of an unborn child."
Daniel smiled tightly, glanced over his shoulder at the group of men who were still whittering away. " No, they're not. According to Edin, it has to do with the aura of a person, which, when a woman is pregnant, changes colour according to the sex."
Sam resisted the urge to roll her eyes. If that wasn't the dumbest idea she'd ever heard she didn't know what was.
" What's the problem, then? We can't help if they're stupid enough to care what sex their kids are gonna be," the Colonel snapped. " What about going into the hills? They have a problem with that, that what I want to know."
" It's not that. It's... I supposed it's kindness on their part. They're worried about our culture, don't want it happening to us. Namely, they don't understand why Sam hasn't had any children...."
He sighed deeply. " Why didn't you say she has then, Danny? Five of 'em, all running around back at home. Three boys, two girls. All look like her." He wiggled his eyebrows at Sam. " Thank God."
She gaped at him. " Five? Isn't that a little excessive?"
" You're just saying that because you had a brother. Take it from an only child, the more siblings the better."
" I'm not disputing that. I'm talking about me giving birth to....."
" Hello!"
Both of them turned to look at Daniel. " Sorry, Daniel," they murmured in contrite unison.
" You're both missing the point. I said nothing about Sam not having children. Edin just came out with it - said he could tell she hasn't had any children."
They all looked at each other.
" Woah," the Colonel said, really summing up the feelings of his fellow team members.
" It could have been a lucky guess," Sam said, weakly.
" So I asked him if this was a problem and he, um, well, he said he could fix it for you."
Both Sam, Teal'c and the Colonel leaned forward.
" Fix what?" the Colonel whispered.
Daniel was blushing brightly, avoiding Sam's eyes. " Apparently, he can sense Sam's birth control. He seems to think it's something we didn't know about before hand. He, er, is suggesting they do a ritual to remove it. "
" No way," Sam stated categorically, folding her arms across her chest.
" That's what I said. He got rather offended, which is why we're now standing here like this. He doesn't think that if we can't trust him, then they can't trust us."
Colonel O'Neill stuck his hands in his pockets and considered, then grinned suddenly. " What kind of a ritual?"
" Colonel! Sir, you've got to be kidding me!"
" Come on. Auras? Rituals? Sounds like a load of mumbo-jumbo to me." He shrugged his shoulders and decisively turned back to the hovering, still-blushing Daniel. " Daniel, ask him what's in this ritual. Try to make it sound like we're very concerned about the state of our childlessness."
Sam swiftly stared at the ground so no one could see quite how hard she was glowering.
" Major, you're not looking concerned."
" I'm gonna get you. I don't know how," she told the dirt, digging a boot in furiously, " but I am. For starters, I'm gonna hide all your LPs and your FHM calendar. Then your Playstation. Then I'm going to tell Janet about your secret stash of donuts in your desk and Hammond that you kissed me during the time loop. Then I'm going to tell my father that you kissed me in the time loop and then you'll die. And," with sudden inspiration, she looked up at him and was pleased to see him wince, " there'll be no more of this kissing at Christmas malarkey, either. That's definitely going to stop." No matter how much she enjoyed it.
He took advantage of their situation and wrapped his hand around hers, tickling her palm with his fingers teasingly. " Aw, come on. I thought the mistletoe thing was inventive. And you know how much I look forward to it."
She couldn't help but smile. Slightly. And briefly. But he knew he was forgiven. " Next time, I'm marrying Daniel."
" Not gonna happen, Major."
No, she didn't suppose it would. He'd be supremely pissed off if she 'married' Daniel off-world and probably would sulk the whole mission long.
Daniel hurried back. " Right. Incense, as far as I can tell. Chanting, most definitely. Some woman waggling a stick..."
The Colonel narrowed his eyes. " Is that exactly what he said, Daniel?"
" Er, no, but it's what I... surmised."
" Um, not to sound unmanly, but do I have to do it alone?"
" Daniel, ask if I can be with her, er, go with her, I mean," he added sheepishly.
He nodded, went back to Edin who was watching them narrowly. Moments later, Edin was nodding energetically, smiling and waving his hands at Sam and the Colonel in a 'come forward' way. It was the most he'd smiled since they'd arrived and, frankly, Sam wished he'd stop.
" That's just wrong," Colonel O'Neill whispered in her ear.
Quietly, she agreed.
They were taken to one of the houses, but it was rather different from the others that lined the street and were dotted in clusters about the town. This house was painted a bright, glowing white and above the door something was inscribed in unintelligible scrawl. The door appeared to be made of gold, or at least painted gold.
" Goa'uld?" he asked her worriedly.
She shook her head. " Not even a twinge of recognition, sir."
" Good."
They were brought into a small, dark hallway, Edin babbling to a slight, frail looking elderly woman with pursed lips and voluminous dark clothes. She frowned deeply at Sam, snapped something at Edin that had Colonel O'Neill moving closer up behind her and putting his hands around her waist. It was remarkably reassuring.
Edin turned, looked over their shoulders and waved his hand at Daniel. He demanded something.
" Oh. She, ah, says Sam has to take her clothes off."
" Of course she does," Sam sighed wearily. " All my clothes off?"
Daniel asked. Edin replied. " Only the inappropriate ones, which I suppose means your BDUs, Sam."
Thank God for tank bras and female boxer shorts, Sam mentally cheered, even if the Colonel was going to get more of an eyeful than he usually did. She tilted her head back to see what he was making of the situation, but his eyes were scanning the room. If anything, he looked extremely tense. He didn't like this.
The woman muttered something to Edin, nodded at him and Edin turned, shuffled past Sam and her CO and took Daniel with him, closing the door behind them.
Sam and the Colonel stared at the woman.
She sniffed and pushed open a door on her left, holding a hand out for Sam and Colonel O'Neill to go through first. Sam heard him mutter something but it was too inaudible for her to make out much beyond 'hate this'. She could easily agree with that feeling as well.
" At least you don't have to get naked," she hissed back at him as they trouped into the dim room.
" Major, if I could, I would get naked with you at the slightest provocation."
" Pervert."
He chuckled and watched the woman inscrutably as she started flapping her skirts. " I think that means you have to strip, Carter."
" Oh boy." She turned around instinctively to face him, unzipped her vest, shaking her head. " Why do these things only happen to me? Why don't we go to planets where they ask you to strip? I'd enjoy that way more."
He grinned, put his hands on her shoulders as she dropped the vest on the floor. His fingers played with the ends of her hair. " All that happens to me is I age rapidly, get stuck on planets for months on end...."
She lifted up one boot, pulled at the laces, then lifted the other and repeated the procedure. " I'm not sure you should be mentioning those occasions to me."
" Just keeping your mind off the fact that you're currently....." He made the mistake of glancing down and his eyebrows shot halfway up to his hairline. " Oh boy."
Now Sam was grinning. She kicked her boots and trousers off as one. Then she looked down too. " They're a gag gift from my sister-in-law."
" I want to meet the woman. Now. Do you have them in blue camo as well?"
She giggled. " Yeah. Desert too."
" Shit. Do you match them with the right occasions?"
" Not usually, today was just a coincidence." She started undoing her shirt, aware that his eye line had not moved from her shorts and her legs. " Maybe I really should be married to Daniel."
" Oh no, no, no. Just think how much he would be blushing right now."
" Bless." She shrugged the shirt off onto the ground and reached for the hem of her black T-shirt. " Gotta love, Daniel."
" Good old.... ah, crap, there goes my fantasy life until Christmas."
She smiled, flung the T-shirt off onto the ground and looked down at her small tank bra. " What? You think she wouldn't send me the matching top?" Sam glanced back up at her CO and saw that his mouth was opening and closing like a fish. " You've seen me in less," she pointed out.
" That was years ago and Daniel hid you away when things got too... pink and white." He laughed at her expression, his eyes crinkling at the corners. " This, however, I'm never going to recover from. Promise me one day I'll get to take these off."
" I promise." Easiest promise she'd ever made. " I have, er, more minimal versions too, you know."
" I love this planet. Have I mentioned that recently?"
She smacked him affectionately on the arm.
The woman said something, sharply, in entirely disapproving tones. She pointed to the cloth covered table in the middle of the room and waggled her eyebrows, somehow threateningly.
" Guess that's my summons." She saluted him teasingly and scampered over to the table. " Um, do I lie down or what...?" She pointed to her chest and then to the table. The woman nodded, flapping her hands at Sam. Clearly, she wanted Sam to get a move on.
Sam hopped up onto the table and swivelled to lie down. It was then that she noticed the ceiling was actually painted. " Hey, look at that."
The Colonel approached her slowly, eyes on the woman who'd gone to the corner of the room and started lighting incense sticks. He looked up at the ceiling. " Nice. Night sky."
She squinted. " Do you think it's accurate?"
" I can only recognise our night sky." He picked up her hand and held it between his, continuing to look up. " Charlie had the night sky painted on his ceiling at one point."
" Me too. Mark did it for me, actually. He always was better at art than I was. Labelled all the constellations for me."
" Of course. You madly wanted to go into space, didn't you?"
She nodded, nervously watched as the old woman approached, holding out a smoking brazier. She wrinkled her nose as she got a whiff of what was being swept around the room. " Have you noticed any air vents or windows?"
" No."
" I hope this doesn't last very long or we'll asphyxiate."
" You couldn't just say choke to death?"
" You know me.."
" Never you use a one syllable word when you could use five." He made a face. " That really does reek," he told the woman, who had her eyes closed and was now humming. " I don't think she's listening to me."
" Few people do."
" Hey! CO here!"
" Actually, I thought you were my husband."
" You've got the wifely bit down to a tee, Major."
" That's so sweet, darling."
If he'd been a woman, the noise he made would have been described as a giggle. It was cut short, however, when the woman started chanting.
" Jeez," he muttered, staring at the elderly woman as if she had gone nuts. " Honey, for future reference, I'm booking the holidays from now onwards."
" In that case, you can look after our five children next time I want some me time."
Lowering himself down into a crouch, the Colonel was at eye level with her head. She turned to look at him, really much more interested in him than what was going on around her, even if the chanting was kind of... soothing. " Two kids would be fine, Sam."
She squeezed his hand. " That's what I was thinking."
He rested his chin on the table and sighed. " How long do you think this is going to take?"
" Reversing a decade and a half of various forms of birth control? I should think we'll be here all day." She closed her eyes. " Wake me up when it's all over."
*
*
*
Sam started cramping shortly after her night shift ended and she was tucked snugly up in her sleeping bag. Her knees shifted up automatically as her abdomen began what would have been its monthly complaint had she not been on SGC regulated birth control. Gasping wordlessly, she rolled onto her front and bit into her sleeping bag. Aw, man....
This was so not happening, she thought as a wave of pain rendered her speechless.
As far as she was aware, Sam didn't really get the mood swings involved, but she definitely got the cramping. Really got the cramping. As a teenager, she'd taken advantage of her father's inability to cope with her 'women's problems' and always managed to swing at least a couple of days off school so she could lie in bed and down painkillers.
However, she didn't really think that returning to Earth because she was getting her period was really an option. She could just picture General Hammond's face and the smothered laughter of the defence team.
Wait a minute...
" Those bastards," she spat into her sleeping bag.
" Carter?"
She winced; she hadn't meant to wake him. " Nothing, sir."
" Nothing?"
Oh God, she supposed she'd have to tell him. He was her CO, she was his subordinate, yadda yadda yadda.. " You'll never guess..." Then she trailed off. They were close, definitely wanted to be closer in certain ways, but a woman didn't really discuss her menstruation problems with a guy unless they'd been sleeping together for some time, or had at least reached a certain level of intimacy. At least, Sam certainly didn't, but she didn't really know about other women.
" What?"
" You know that... thing they did on me today?"
" Distinctly. I was having a nice little dream about it. You were there, I was there. The old woman wasn't."
She chuckled instinctively, then groaned as another wave of pain overwhelmed her. " Well, it worked."
Next to her, Colonel O'Neill sat up and loomed over her. " It worked?"
" What's going on?"
Sam moaned, this time from embarrassment. Not Daniel, too. Any moment now, Teal'c's concerned, but solemn face would poke his head through the tent flap and demand to know what all the fuss was about. Then all of them would know.
On the plus side, all of them had been married. Surely they'd all had some experience of it. And it was dark, so she couldn't see their expressions. And she had level three unarmed combat training - she could kill them if they even made a crack at her expense.
" Carter, how do you know it's worked?"
" Trust me, sir. It worked. Pass me some painkillers, please," she added through clenched teeth, hoping he'd get the message without her having to spell it out.
" Oh."
That 'oh' said so many things, but at the very least it told her that he understood and was sympathetic. Then his shadow moved towards the other end of the tent where he rustled amongst the things in his pack, looking for the med kit to get her the requisite pain pills.
Daniel put a hand on the side of her head and stroked downwards through her hair. " I'm sorry, Sam."
" It's okay, Daniel, you didn't know. "
" Well, Edin did mentioned something about purging."
She rolled her eyes. Purging. Of course. She was going to kill him. " When did he mention this purging, Daniel?"
" Er... while you and Jack were inside."
Great. Great. Just fabulous. Did she mention 'great'?
The Colonel came back and he helped her up, his arms going around her warmly so she was cradled against him. He passed her the water bottle and a trio of small pills and she could feel his soft breath on her hair as she swallowed and drank. " What do you want to do, Carter?"
" I'm not going home."
He chuckled. " There's no shame in it."
" Oh, please," she said in disgusted tones. " I can't believe this has happened to me."
She could almost feel Daniel's wince.
" I'm really sorry, Sam."
Maybe it was the position she was being held in, but the pain in her abdomen was easing off. She hoped the Colonel wasn't thinking of moving any time soon. " It would be really interesting to find out just exactly how they were able to render my birth control ineffective."
" Atta girl," he murmured, his body shaking slightly as he chuckled.
Daniel cleared his throat in what he didn't know Jack called his 'lecture mode'. " Well, I have a theory. Though we dismissed their claims of being able to read people's auras, it wouldn't be the first time we've come across a culture which, while outwardly humanoid looking, have some distinctly unhumanoid traits. Perhaps the glyphs we came across in the temple building will give us some ideas. It's a pity I didn't get a better look at them before it was time to make camp."
The last distinctly disgruntled statement was aimed at the only other male in the tent.
" Daniel," the Colonel said in deceptively sweet tones, " shut up."
" Tomorrow, maybe we could go to the village, talk to a few people," Sam suggested, turning to look up at her CO for confirmation.
" All right," he sighed. " We'll go to the village. Daniel, you and Teal'c can hang here and groove with the rocks."
" Good idea." Daniel made a lot of noise as he lay back down. " Sam, do you, um, need anything? I mean, from home."
She smiled. Tactfully put, she thought. Bless - this really hadn't been as cringe-worthy as she'd thought it would be. She should have put more faith into her guys. " No, Daniel. The women are supplied with emergency... supplies."
" Like I always know to pack an extra set of glasses."
" And I always pack an extra extra set of glasses," the Colonel whispered into Sam's ear loudly.
" I heard that."
" I meant you to."
Daniel made a disgusted noise. " Night, Sam. Night, Jack."
" Night, Daniel," they chorused.
Snuggling back up against him, Sam wrapped her arms around his. Okay, maybe there were upsides to this little problem. If it meant she got to cuddle with him, she'd willingly go through this pain each mission. Um, perhaps not each mission. One mission a month.
Then again, she could always fake it.
That thought made her giggle.
" What?"
" Nothin'."
" Major...."
She giggled again - decided that the painkillers were working. " I don't think that's going to work when you're currently holding me."
" Fine." But he didn't let go of her to teach her a lesson, as she'd half feared. " So... do you get grumpy?" he whispered, lowering his head to her shoulder so they could have a semiprivate conversation.
" Not that I know of."
" How disappointing. I had this really un-pc plan back when we started the SGC, do you want to hear it?"
If he was trying to keep her mind off her pain, it was working. " If it's the one about the crack squad of women with PMT bearing down on a Goa'uld of your choice, then I've already heard it."
" Aw. Who did you hear that from?"
" Janet. She overheard you guys chatting about it at lunch one day and she e-mailed all the women on base with it." Sam grinned, knowing what type of reaction she was going to get.
" What!"
" Oh yeah. The women in the SGC all have a special group address on e-mail so we can keep in contact with each other, keep everyone up to date and stuff. It's why all the women know each others' birthdays, anniversaries, kids names, husbands personal problems and so on."
" No way."
" Yup."
" That's... really organised. Do you all get together and discuss work?"
" Sometimes." She shifted gingerly, hands over her abdomen. " We exchange information, advice, things like that."
" What kind of things?"
" Um," she sought her brain for something that would impress him, " most of it's women related. Like not taking your cap off off-world."
" I'm trying to imagine how that could possibly be useful off world, but it's just not happening."
" You remember P3G 823?"
" No," he said immediately, laughter in his voice.
" The one where you were offered several herds of... animals for me?"
" Oh yeah!" The Colonel chuckled. " Man, that was a fun planet. Blondes, they had a thing for blondes."
" Well, a lot of women have had the same problem. Some of the advice that gets passed around is mainly to stop those kinds of situations from happening. If wearing your cap all mission means no one gets any funny ideas, then it's not too much of a sacrifice."
" You should write a manual."
" E-mail seems to work so far. I'll show you when we next have some time off and you're not pushing paperwork.."
" And you're not working on the bike."
She froze. " Uh-oh."
" Oh, yes, I know about the bike."
Damn. That wasn't good. If he knew about the bike, presumably he knew that on two of the occasions he'd asked her to go fishing, she'd actually been working on the bike. Not working working.
Obviously sensing her distress, Colonel O'Neill nudged her shoulder with his chin. " I don't mind, Carter. I shouldn't have asked you in the first place. It just put you in a bad position. I know better, I promise."
" I will go fishing with you one day, Jack."
" I know. And on most of the occasions I've asked you, I only had purely platonic thoughts in mind."
She snorted.
" Okay, okay, not entirely platonic. Maybe some hand holding."
Her next snort was a little more subtle but he still caught it.
" Some stargazing, then. Possibly some kissing."
That was more like it.
They both sighed together.
" You know, technically, I should really take you back to Earth," the Colonel murmured a few minutes later, when the tent was finally filled with Daniel's deep almost-snoring.
" Why?"
" All female SGC personnel who visit off-world have to be on some form of birth control, be it the injections that the Doc gives or something else. You're violating SGC regulations."
" I don't think there's much chance of anything happening right now, sir."
" I know, just thought I'd raise the issue for the sake of conversation."
Now he was making her distinctly nervous. Regulations were, after all, very close to her heart. " You don't think... I mean, we'll have to put this in the report - hey, lucky you, you get to explain it in detail! - Do you think Hammond will reprimand you?" Because it would be him - superior officers tended to get the brunt of any reprimand a team received.
" Shouldn't think so - once I point out, tactfully, in my report that your current, er, situation effective prevented you from... damn, this is going to be uncomfortable discussing over the briefing room table."
She giggled. " I'm so looking forward to it. I'll make sure Janet's there too."
" Just promise me you'll sit next to me and kick me when I'm heading towards crude."
" I promise, sir."
" And watch out in case I start to say something un-pc."
" I always do, Colonel."
" Good." Considerably more at ease, he wriggled behind her. " Carter, do you feel like lying down any time soon? Not that I don't enjoy cuddling with you, but my back's giving me grief."
" I'm sure I can manage now, thank you, Colonel." So saying, she eased out of his embrace and slid down until she was lying on her back. He remained sitting where he had been until she was settled, then he shuffled down next to her, propping his head up on his elbow so he could look at her.
" Pain killers working?"
" Perfectly."
" It was four o'clock when you took them, so you can re-dose in at least three hours."
She smiled. He was kind of sweet, wasn't he? " Yes, sir. Thank you." And because she decided it was allowed, she reached out and ran her fingers over his cheek. She felt the flicker of his smile, then pulled her fingers away as he laid his head down on his arm. " Night, Colonel."
" Night, Major."
*
*
*
Morning dawned bitterly cold and while Sam crept off to a clump of convenient shrubbery to tend to her needs, Colonel O'Neill brewed some coffee and Daniel unpacked their breakfast, providing a running commentary over everything: " Oh, yes, it looks like sawdust surprise today. Scrummy. Followed by dubious-berry mush, with a side helping of... of... Jack, I'm not kidding, this says gravy on it."
By the time Sam got back, the Colonel had outlined the plan of action for that day to Teal'c, who was most intrigued by the talents of the local population. Sam was rather thankful she'd missed the explanation of how they'd found out the ritual had worked but Teal'c didn't look at her in any abnormal way so she supposed she was being oversensitive.
Okay, she knew she was being oversensitive.
" Coffee, Mrs. O'Neill?" the Colonel asked, holding out a tin to her and grinned.
" Mmm, thanks." She cupped her hands around it, grinning over the rim at him. The steam rose into the icy-crisp morning air and she sipped the liquid thankfully, glad for her several warming layers of clothing and the distant, pale sun in the sky.
" It looks like the villagers are up and about," he commented, crouching down next to her. " You up for a wander down after breakfast?"
" Course." She accepted one of the ration bars that got thrown at her, and then handed her coffee back to the Colonel, who raised his eyes but sipped the drink anyway. " What flavour's this?"
" Sawdust surprise. I know you can't take the berry thing," Daniel said, wincing as he carefully re-packed the gravy. " I think someone put that in there as a joke."
" SG-3," the Colonel muttered.
Sam glanced at him; he tended to blame everything on the marines when he got the chance. Professional competition and all. She reached over and took back the coffee for another couple of sips. " Daniel, how are we going to get the natives to discuss what they did if we don't understand them?"
" Ah, I've been thinking about that." Daniel jumped up, promptly tripped over a collection of rocks, but righted himself almost immediately. He scrabbled in his pack and came out with a couple of books, then pulled his own notepad from his jacket pocket. " I got up early this morning and I think I've come with some basic phrases that I can teach you. The language is terribly obscure, but these books should help some."
He came to stand in front of Sam and Colonel O'Neill, looking pointedly at the gap between them. They looked up at him, refusing to get what he was hinting at.
Daniel rolled his eyes. " Guys, it'll be easier if I sit in the middle. If you could just unglue yourselves for a few minutes....?"
Grudgingly, Sam and her temporary husband separated. Daniel sighed as if they were two particularly wearisome children, and dropped down between them. " Teal'c and I came up with some standard phrases - to describe Sam's situation, firstly. Then a question about the auras." He flipped open his notebook, balancing the other books on his knees. " I've written them out phonetically. Sam, try this phrase out for size."
Sam leaned over a little and enunciated the sentence carefully.
" Fine. Not great, but it'll do. You just told them you were purging."
The Colonel snorted.
" Oh great."
Daniel grinned, pointed to another phrase. " Jack, now you."
Colonel O'Neill made a face and spat the phrase out quickly.
" Jack, that was really very good." Daniel sounded surprised, and he gave his leader an assessing look. " Try this one."
Eyebrows raised, the Colonel did so.
" Brilliant. You've got a very good grasp of the vowels. Been to Turkey, by any chance?"
He cleared his throat. " Uh, Daniel, I'm not at liberty to..."
" Oh, right, right, of course." He shook his head, watched as Sam handed the tin of coffee back to the Colonel. " Okay. I've written the translations underneath in a very blunt pencil." He tilted the notebook to the light and winced. " Which is why my handwriting is more illegible than usual."
" Looks no different to me."
" I take back everything I said about your vowel enunciation. Sam is clearly better than you. Again."
Sam promptly giggled, then hurriedly turned it into a cough when the Colonel looked at her dangerously. " Sorry. Swallowed some... sawdust." She shoved another lump of her ration bar into her mouth and tried not to look amused.
" I thought, we thought, if you got stuck, you could just take a pen along and draw what you mean. I've written the words similar to auras down. Teal'c did a couple of sketches...."
Both Sam and her CO leaned over to get a look at those.
The Colonel whistled. " Hey, Teal'c, that's a good one."
Teal'c smiled slightly, and nodded his acceptance of this compliment. " I have been practising with Cassandra Fraiser. She is most adept at drawing."
" Doesn't take after her aunt."
" I can't be good at everything," Sam complained pointedly.
" Don't worry, darling, I love you anyway."
Continuing with the theme, Sam gave him a caustic look, " Oh, you're so sleeping on the sofa tonight."
They giggled, Daniel looked disgusted, and Teal'c decided it would be wise to ignore the lot of them and go back to his guarding.
" Is that all, Daniel?" her CO said impatiently, taking the notebook and flicking through. " Man, you weren't kidding about your scrawl, were you?"
Daniel ground his teeth and climbed up. " I hope your children take after Sam."
" All five of them?" Sam said, raising her eyebrows. " The house will be in pieces by the time we get back home, in that case."
" Don't worry - we left them with Jacob. Selmak will keep them in line," Jack murmured, squinting as he tried to read Daniel's words. " I don't think this sentence construction exists."
Sam scooted over, nudged him with her shoulder so his arm dipped down behind her in an almost embrace. She finished off her ration bar. " Ready to go?"
" A little eager aren't we?"
" From an entirely scientific point of view."
He drained their coffee and stood up, brushing his trousers down, then offering her a hand to help her up. Normally, she would have given him a scathing look, but this morning things were different. He pulled her up easily - with none of the theatrical groaning her father or brother would have done in an effort to embarrass her - and even ran a hand over her hair affectionately. She grinned up at him, then headed back to their tent to pack up her things.
Earlier, when he'd told her the villagers were up and about, she'd kind of assumed that only a few would be around. Perhaps the farmers. What she hadn't realised was the whole town seemed to be running around - predominantly male children in the street, following the two strangers, adults standing in the doorways and chattering. A small number of young women clustered together under the watchful eye of male guardians.
The Colonel had managed to get the location of Edin's house from a stammering young man who'd looked at both of them with intense nervousness. The entire conversation had been held with hand gestures. The Colonel conveyed Edin's big hair to the young man, who nodded fervently and gestured down the main street, plucking at his own clothes for some reason. Deciding to take their chances, they walked off down the street, looking out for the leader they'd spoken to the day before.
" Oh, I get it," Sam said, as they walked down the road. She grabbed the Colonel's arm and pointed to a particular house that was at least twice the size of everyone else's. It was the exact same shade of yellow as the young man's clothes.
" Bright kid. Do we knock or what?" he asked, looking around the door, his eyes lingering on the strange words that were once again inscribed above the door.
" I don't see a bell. Go for it."
" Is that an order?"
She rolled her eyes and swiftly knocked herself. Colonel O'Neill made a face at her. " Don't be so immature," she muttered.
" Okay, but next time you get a new doohickey I get to take it apart."
" Over my dead body."
" Have I mentioned my previous career?"
Sam gave him her best innocent look. " Fishing?"
Their conversation was cut short by the sound of feet approaching the door, but in the end it wasn't Edin who came to the door, but the old woman that had performed the dreaded ritual the day before. Sam had difficulty in not giving the woman her patented death look but when she glanced up at the Colonel she decided she oughtn't have bothered. He was doing very well for the both of them.
" Edin," the Colonel barked at her.
The woman narrowed her yellow-brown eyes and ignored the Colonel, looking instead at Sam. She stepped down onto the sidewalk and swiftly reached out and patted Sam on the abdomen.
" Hey!" Sam exclaimed, stepping back. " Personal space mean anything to you?"
She didn't understand the words, exactly, but clearly the sentiment was not lost on her. For the first time, the elderly woman smiled, crinkling up her eyes. She tweaked Sam's cheek and waved her arm towards the door, gesturing for Sam and the Colonel to go inside.
" We should have brought Daniel," the Colonel murmured, going first and looking around the entrance room.
" He's the only one who can transcribe the ruins. And, besides, I want to get as much done as possible so we can go home and Janet can put me on whatever drugs she feels necessary."
" That's the attitude, Carter."
She looked around. The walls and ceiling appeared to be covered almost entirely with flowers - vines and blooms trailing from the ceiling. There was a wooden staircase circling up in the corner, leading up to the second floor, while to the left and right other, larger rooms opened up. Sam was particularly interested in the room directly to her left - it appeared to be some kind of lab, with work benches, bottles and other apparatus that, while not exactly familiar, certainly struck her as scientific.
" Carter, your guy's here."
Edin was creeping down the stairs, smiling at them cheerfully. He even waved.
Both Sam and Colonel O'Neill tensed. They just weren't used to such ebullient natives, particularly when the guy had been so grumpy the day before.
Edin surveyed Sam and her CO with a pleased expression. He said something to the old woman, who was also looking at them like they'd done something really clever, and then reached forward to Sam. Thankfully, before Sam could get yet another pat on the stomach, Colonel O'Neill's hand swooped out of nowhere and grabbed Edin's wrist. Smiling rather forcefully, he pushed Edin's arm away from his second in command. " We'll have no more of that," the Colonel said though his teeth.
He pulled Daniel's notebook from his pocket and cleared his throat, opened his mouth. Paused. " Oh, wait, sweetheart, that's your line," he said, handing it back to Sam.
Sam sighed and dully read off the sentence, though she rather thought it was redundant since it was pretty obvious Edin and the old woman knew exactly what was happening to her body.
Just as she thought, the moment she finished her sentence, the two of them were nodding, grinning like Cheshire cats. Pleased with themselves.
The Colonel sighed this time. " Man, what's the next one?"
She passed back the notebook. " The part where you ask them how they did it."
" Okay, now listen and learn, honey." He reeled off the next line in the list and raised his eyebrows expectantly at Edin and his partner in crime.
They both started talking at once.
" Woah! Woah! Okay, this isn't going to work." The Colonel leaned back and looked into the lab room, made a quick decision. He waved around the room, encompassing the four of them, and then pointed into the room.
Edin babbled something and walked into the room, with the old woman and the two 'aliens' following them behind closely.
The Colonel picked a table, slapped the notebook down and then fished the other two books out of his pack. He ran his hands through his hair. " Right. Gather around people."
It took a frustrating two hours of leaning over a wooden bench and getting a crick in her back, but Sam and her Colonel managed to convey their questions to Edin and 'Oolah' - ('what can of a name is that? Almost as bad as Martouf and Narim and... okay, I'll shut up now'). And, eventually, they managed to translate through an astonishing method of drawing, picking out some of Daniel's words, and absurd gestures exactly what Edin and Oolah were trying to say.
" Holy shit," the Colonel said, when the entire truth eventually dawned.
" That's really amazing. I'd really like to take a sample of their blood back to the SGC," Sam said immediately switching into scientist mode.
" Hell, I'd like to take a sample of their blood back to the SGC." He sat back on one of the strange, five legged stools that Edin had finally suggested they all sit on and looked at her. " I guess... the way they looked... I thought they'd be entirely human."
So had Sam, which, frankly, went against everything she knew of as a scientist. She should have known better than to assume without evidence. These people were, for want of a better word, completely alien.
Oolah rotated the notebook and looked at the picture Sam had drawn (much to the Colonel's amusement) of herself - her usual stick figure. She picked up the pencil Sam had used and carefully drew something else beside Sam's picture. Then something else. She turned the notebook around and both Sam and Colonel O'Neill leaned forward.
" Takes after you," he murmured in her ear.
She tilted her head towards him, felt his mouth brush her cheek. They were dancing on a line, she knew, but didn't seem to be able to stop herself. " I don't know. He's got your hair."
He chuckled, turned his head away, briefly touched his forehead to her shoulder before sitting upright, Colonel O'Neill once more.
Sam picked the notebook up and grinned at the image. Oolah had drawn a second stick figure, taller, with the stupid wide-brimmed hat the Colonel had been wearing the day before. She loved that hat - just because it was so damn silly looking on him. At their feet was a smaller stick figure, obviously supposed to be a child, with short, spiky hair.
Enjoying herself thoroughly, Sam leaned over and grabbed the pencil, swiftly drew another stick figure, this time with longer hair in bunches and showed Oolah and Edin.
Oolah looked deeply approving, her smile a mile wide and eyes glinted, while Edin nodded sagely.
" When we get back, Daniel's gonna freak."
" I guess we'll be sending a research party back through when we go home."
" We certainly will." He smiled, mock-saluted the couple and slid off his stool. " Mrs. O'Neill, I think it's time to return to Danny and Teal'c with our findings."
*
*
*
If you liked this - there's a really good chance you'll like the rest of my stuff - www.geocities.com/randomleaves/
If you enjoyed this story, please send feedback to Jojo
Heliopolis Main Archive
A Stargate: SG-1 Fanfiction Site
Introducing Mr and Mrs. O'Neill
by JojoSite Navigation
Support Heliopolis