Chained to Angels
by Jackiwi
Summary: Its a nightmare time for Sam, but just when she thinks things are getting better.(all parts in one complete story)
Category: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Romance, Series
Season: future Season
Pairing: Jack/Sam
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: character death, language, minor character death
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author(s).
Archived on: 09/03/03
Chained To Angels
By Jackiwi
Email Author: jackiwi2002@yahoo.com
Series: chained to angels. 1. Get though this. 2. Loosing him in pieces. 3.Moving on. 4. With or without, 5. A new thing. 6.Baby blue. 7. Claxons and red flashing lights, 8. Fallen hero. 9. Daylight, come? 10. Three times before the cock crows. 11. And my soldier cried. 12. Willow trees and white doves. Season: Best say all episodes up to and including season 6. Rating: PG13 (at least)
Warning: Character death, language and adult situations. Disclaimers: None of the stargate stuff is mine. Only this series is mine. Characters and what not are property of MGM, double secret and Gekko corp. This story is purely for fans reading and enjoyment. Authors Comments: This will hopefully move you. There's lots of angst of the Jack and Sam kind. I have to 'tweak' it a bit and that's difficult to do when you know you should be revising for you're a levels!
PART 1: Get though this.
"A person can run away from his troubles just as easily as he can run away from his shadow." -Unknown
The look on his face tells me all I need to know. He's in pain, and despite a burn in my heart and my stomach's churning that tells me to help him, the bars hold me back. I can't get to him.
"Aaahhh!"
"Please, Leave him alone! Leave my dad alone." I shout in one last desperate attempt to save him. But his assassin just looks at me, and smiles a smile that sends shivers down my spine. There is no soul behind those eyes. No feeling except pleasure in what his about to do.
I can't look. I reach out for the nearest person. No, one person in particular. The only one that could make this any easier, if that's possible. Jack. I grab his jacket and pull him towards me, laying my head on his shoulder and closing my eyes, praying for it to stop. Then I hear the sound. The sound that tells me it has stopped, but also the sound that tells me if I open my eyes now, my whole world is going to fall to pieces.
I squeeze tighter on the only thing that's keeping me standing right now. My eyes burn with tears that sting as they track their way down my skin, and land on his green jacket leaving little patches of wet. I can feel him holding me, for the first time. I think he has been holding me since the beginning, but I just didn't notice it.
"Carter?" His voice is husky. He must have seen it happen, but was obviously trying to be strong. For me, for himself, for both of us.
I lift my head from his shoulder and turn around, eyes still closed.
I have to. I have to open my eyes. I have to see if he's really... dead. I take a deep breath, and look. He's lying on the floor, back facing me, which I'm glad of. He looks like he's sleeping and It takes a moment to sink in.
He's gone.
He's really gone. Lying less than two metres from me, and I could do nothing to stop it.
I fall to me knees, and just stair at him. My father. Tears come; they fall, and are replaced by another, and another, until I just stop. I can't cry anymore, its like I have no tears left. Suddenly, I just want to get out of there. I fill claustrophobic. I just want to run. Run far away, and never turn back.
I see the opportunity. A guard has opened the cell, to pass in food, if you could call it that. With a determination that no man would dare stand in the way of, I kick him in the stomach, sending him flying a cross the room, and he hits the wall before sliding to the ground. Others come to try and stop me, and others are in there turn sent flying. Jack follows my lead, and together we get out of there, get the ring activator from the now unconscious guard, as Jack tells the others the plan using a concealed communication device. We ring out of there to be intercepted by Teal'c and Jonas waiting in a cargo ship.
XX
Back at the base we go though the usual procedure. Medical, debriefing, etc. Every one tells me how there sorry, and how he'll be missed, but it's meaningless. I feel like a part of me is missing. We didn't even have enough time to bring his body back.
Getting sick of hearing everyone pretending they understand, when they don't have a clue, I head for the showers.
The room is empty, which I am grateful for. Stepping in the shower I turn up the water to the maximum pressure and heat that my tried body can stand. The water runs over my body and brings physical relief, if nothing else. I can't believe how much this... sucks, for want of a better word. I only just lost Daniel, and it was only a few weeks ago that I thought I was going to lose Jack. Sure, I cried about that, and Teal'c helped me though that. It was a relief to cry, it let out all the emotions I've had to repress over the last few years. But crying doesn't seem enough now.
A new thought crosses my mind, and forces me to take a sharp breath as I realise I've been holding the same old stale air in my lungs. I'm an orphan now. My mother died years ago, but the pain is still fresh in my heart. But now, dads gone too.
Oh god, how am I gonna tell Mark. I can't tell him the truth, but I'm not sure I can lie to him about this.
I turn the shower off, deciding that I need to go home. I get my stuff, and leave.
XX
TEN DAYS LATER
Mark has been told. I told him Dad had heart attack, and that he died instantly. He wasn't in any pain. I couldn't tell him that our father had been tortured to death by an alien known as a goa'uld.
He was upset, I could tell, but he tried not to let me hear it in his voice.
Ever since it happened, I haven't been able to think straight. Sitting in an armchair, with the telly on, but not watching it, just starring in to thin air.
There's a knock at the door, and I reluctantly go to answer it, checking that the tears that were flowing steadily have stopped, on the way.
"Sir!" I was surprised to see him.
"Carter. ..... Gonna let me in?"
"Yeah! Sorry." I finally get out of his way and allow him to enter my house.
We walk though to the kitchen where he puts down the bag of groceries that I've only just noticed him carrying.
"How are you holding up?" He asks nervously. "I'm holding up ok." I force a smile, but he doesn't buy it.
"Ok meaning...?"
I put one hand on my head and brush back my hair. " I'm... to tell you the truth, I'm not holding up at all." I give in to his looks. " The first few days were the worst. I didn't get out of bed, I just lay there, not even sleeping, just thinking. I've been thinking a lot, about something, and about nothing. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I used to know exactly where I was going, and what I wanted, but now..."
He reaches out and takes my hand, leading me to sit down. After a moment, when where both sitting at the kitchen table, he notices that he is still holding my hand, and tries to pull it away, but I don't let him. I need the strength it's giving me right now.
"It's only been ten days, Sam." The use of my name startles me.
"Give yourself more time. I know, when you lose someone... its like your whole world has been pulled out from under your feet. You'd do anything to make the pain go away, to somehow fix things. But no matter how hard you try, there's nothing you or anyone else can do to make it better. It just takes time. The pain just gets... less, after a while, 'til you find you can go though the day, and not even feel it. But the scars are always there."
I squeeze his hand tighter. He's right. The scars are always there, and suddenly I can see them on his face. The years he's spent alone, blaming himself for Charlie's death. I know it's against regs to feel the way I feel about him, but I don't give a shit about them right now. I touch his face, laying my free hand on his left check, and running the back of my index finger along it.
"We'll get though this together Sam. You don't have to do it alone."
He puts his hand on top of mine and pulls it to his mouth, where he lays a kiss on it, making me smile, if only briefly, for the first time in what feels like years.
~X~
Part 2: Loosing him in pieces
"I've heard loved ones leave you in peaces. That little by little you start to forget things about them. But that's not true. You lose them. Everything. Instantly. And suddenly nothing can replace them. Nothing."
-Farscape.
The memory comes in sharp bright flashes. The pain on his face. The blast from the starf, in slow motion, as time seems to stand still. Forever lost in the moment.
He screams out as the yellow beam finally strikes him and I wake to find myself joined to him though the pain. He's scream still crying out in my head.
"NO!'
My hands shake, my eyes search desperately for light, and the cold salty sweat soaks my skin. But, eventually my rapid heart begins to slow, and reality kicks in. It was a dream. A dream that I'd had every night since I lost him, and every time his face fades more and more.
It's strange. I can remember everything else like it was yesterday, but somehow, little by little, I'm losing him. Forgetting his features and his voice.
I fumble for the light switch and blink painfully when the light I had been seeking earlier finally appears, covering the darkness. My hand comes to rest on the framed photograph of my mum and dad, with Mark and I at their feet. We were on holiday in England when it was taken. Years before death came and stole my mother, and now my father too. We all look so happy.
It's scary. When my mum died, I did everything possible to make sure I would never forget her. Hung on to photographs, kept a bottle of her favourite perfume, just so I would never forget how she smelt. Just silly little things, but they were important to me. When someone you love dies, your terrified you'll forget them, so you reach out and grab anything that you can cling to, just to remember.
But the fact is, you do forget, maybe not all at once, but little things. Things like the sound of their voice, the way they take their coffee. But at the same time, there are some things you'll never forget. That vivid memory which stays with you your whole life.
For me, it was her smile. I'll always remember it. She had a beautiful smile, which never failed to calm me as a child, or quiet one of dad's moods.
Coming out of my thoughts, I find myself in the bathroom, not really sure how I got here, and facing my own lifeless reflection in the mirror.
God, I look rough. Dark circles around my eyes, hair all over the place, and pale. I look so pale. I can't stand it anymore, so I wash the rapidly drying sweat of my face, and dry it on the nearest towel. I head back to my bedroom, flicking the light switch on my way out.
Sitting on my bed and staring into space, my eyes suddenly focus on a teddy bear sitting on my dressing table. I smile to myself and reach over to pick him up. He is dressed in blue and white stripy PJ's with 'zzz' sown on to his shirt.
My dad gave me 'Jake' (guess who chose the name...?) for my seventh birthday. He said that Jake would take care of me whenever he was away, and if ever I needed him, all I had to do was huge Jake really tightly, and he would know, wherever he was in the world. It's the only teddy I've kept from my childhood. The rest went in various garage sales though the years. But I kept Jake 'cause I believed he had the power that my dad said he had. Dad always said that magic exists in our hearts. Something only has power when we believe it does. With out that key ingredient, magic can't exist.
But, I guess its easier to believe when your seven years old.
I look back at my bed, feeling insanely tired, yet something holds me back from climbing back in.
"Sam?" I jump as I mentally kick myself for having forgotten his presence in my house. He had decided that he was at a lose end, and may as well follow Hammond's orders for once, and look after me.
"Jack!"
"What are you doing up? Its 2 AM" he asks drowsily.
"I had a nightmare" I reply, looking away as if ashamed.
"You ok?" he asks, trying to sound concerned, but his brain chooses that exact moment to demand oxygen, and he stifles a yawn. He's clad in a white t-shirt and boxers, I notice for the first time as he walks towards me, lifting his hand in front of his face to shield his eyes from the light.
"Yeah. I'm ok. When you have the same dream for weeks, it becomes harder to be afraid of it." I'm lying though my teeth, and I'm pretty sure he can tell when I lie, so I look down at Jake, still sitting in my hands.
"Whose this?" Now sitting on my bed, he places he's hand on my arm, with his fingers lacing around my wrist.
"This is Jake. Jake, meet Jack." I force a smile as I hand him my bear, and, as if entertaining a child, he plays a long.
"Hello Jake. Nice to meet you."
He puts him on the bed between us, and turning back to face me, he puts his hands on top of mine. We just sit. Sit in silence until finally I break. As the tears fall down my checks, he brings up his hand, and puts it behind my head, lightly encouraging me to lay it on his shoulder. I do so, and put my free hand on the other side of his neck. I fill him lay a light kiss on my head, before resting his chin gently on top of it.
After a while, I don't know how long exactly, we finally move apart, and I look up at him, unable to hide the sadness that falls in the form of tears from my eyes. He wipes them away with his thumb almost automatically.
I close my eyes for a moment, suddenly feeling the over-powering tiredness, but for the first time, I actually want to talk about it. As if reading my mind, he asks me gently.
"Tell me?"
"I feel like I'm stuck in a turmoil of emotions. There are all these things going on around me and inside me, but I cant make anything out. Somehow, they all just melt into one big blur. These big black clouds swirling around me, and I'm lost somewhere in the middle. Alone."
"You're not alone." He reassures me with a tender squeeze of my hand.
"I'll find you, I promise."
He pulls me close again, and I bask in his closeness, before the fatigue finally grabs hold completely, this time refusing to let go.
"In the mean time, you need to get some sleep. It'll help." He says, noticing that I'm all but falling asleep on his shoulder.
Well, I'm not gonna to argue with that. I turn and look at my bed, big and empty. I can't face it alone, and he knows it. I face him with pleading eyes and I'm so thankful when he interprets them correctly.
"Do you want me to stay?"
I don't say anything, just nod, and then standing up, reach for he's hand but realise that I already have hold of it. I lead him to the head of the bed, and he takes control from there. Pulling back the covers for me, I slid in, scooting across to make room for him.
I turn my back on him, so I lay against he's chest, as he cocoons me in his arms, and our fingers knit together. For the first time in ages, I feel safe. Unafraid of sleep, as I know that laying in his arms, the night will pass quickly, and the sun will rise on the start of something new.
'I'll never forget you, dad. You're apart of me. Your in my heart.' I whisper almost silently. I reach down, and grab Jake from the middle of the bed, where jack left him, and squeeze him softly, just as jack holds me.
"Thank you Jack"
"What for?"
"For being here, and for giving me something to hold on too."
He berries he's head in the back of my neck, pulling me closer into his embrace.
"You're welcome."
~x~
PART 3: Moving on.
"Courage is not the absence of fear but the ability to carry on in spite of It." -Unknown
(3 weeks later)
The night passed quickly after he joined me. Too quickly. All too soon it was time to leave he's arms, and get on with my life. I find myself, dressing in front of the mirror in my bedroom for my first day back at work, dreading walking though those doors. Not really sure if this is what I want. I want Jack, but I also want the sgc and the stargate. I love my job...but I love him more.
What happened to dad has changed things. It's opened my eyes, and suddenly I see what has been right in front of me all this time. I always knew that I had strong feelings for Jack, but I berried them, so determined to not risk screwing up my career over a man! But I can't do that anymore. It's too hard to fight those feelings, and I'm not even sure I want to anymore.
For the first time since I was with Jonas, I'm thinking about my future. What good is a career in the grand scheme of things? When I have to retire, then what will I have? I don't want to grow old alone. I don't want to end up a lonely old woman, who receives looks of pity from every passer by. I want a husband, and a family.
I want what I can't have. Jack. And not just because I don't want to be a lone, but because I need him. Because I love him.
All day, I just go though the motions, not really there because I'm so lost in my own head. I keep trying to shake it off, but I can't help it, something has got to change.
The day comes to an end, and I thank god that nothing more dramatic than a light bulb going in the control room happened, and Siler soon fixed that.
Having changed into my civvies, and put my coat on, I pick up my bag, grateful to be heading for the nearest exit. And I so nearly made it!
"Major Carter, can I see you for a moment? In my office." I hear a filmier voice call down the corridor behind me. I stop dead in my tracks, close my eyes and admit defeat. One last look at the lift, from which I am mere feet away, I turn and follow the General.
He stands in the doorway holding the door open for me as I silently thank him, and move to the middle of the room, adopting the typical (almost) military pose. (Hands behind my back, standing up straight, with my shoulders back) He closes the door behind me, and suddenly I fill trapped, but I do my best to try and hide that feeling.
"Sit down, Major." I do as he says, glad not to have to try and hold that forced position.
"I've noticed you've been a little... distant today, major. And given the circumstances, I can well understand that. However, as you will know, we are a front line defence facility, and because of that, I need to know that my people are 100% committed to what they are doing."
"Yes, sir." I get a feeling in my gut that I know where this is going.
"Major, I know that if anyone is committed to this project, its you. Don't get me wrong, the work you do here is vital. But I cant help but wonder if maybe you came back to work a little too soon?"
Committed? Vital? Oh, boy.
I suddenly find my shoes very interesting, as I realise that part of what Hammond is saying makes sense.
"Major, you know how fond I was of your father..."
Oh, please don't go down that road. I can't handle it, not today.
"...He was a good man."
"Yes. He was."
It seems to finally get though that I don't need this, and he offers me an end point.
"Well... if you need more time, all you have to do is ask. That's all major, you can go now."
"Yes, sir. And ... thank you."
I get up and get as far as the door, before reconsidering. I do need more time. In fact I need a lot more time, and with someone in particular. Only General Hammond can sort this thing out, and if he can't, then I guess I have some thinking to do.
But I can't run away from this opportunity to get things out in the open. Lay all my cards on the table.
"Actually, General, there is something I need to speak to you about. It's kinda personal, but I need some advice and help on this one, and you're the only person I can get that from."
"Ok, Major. I'll do my best. What is it?" I go back and retake my sitting position from before.
"General, sir, what you said about commitment is true. The thing is, well... I've been thinking, and I'm not sure I can stay committed to the SGC, when it is stopping me being happy." I look at him, seeing the comprehension on his face. He is a smart man, and knows exactly what...who I am talking about.
"This has something to do with a certain Colonel, doesn't it?"
"Yes, sir."
"Does he know that your here?" Good point. I haven't talked this over with him. I don't even know if this is what he wants.
"No. I guess maybe he should be here, but he wound only try and talk me out of it." That's true.
"Talk you out of what?"
"Sir. You see, the thing is... I'm in love with him." I can feel the heat rushing to every inch of my skin, and I'm sure he can see it as it turns a fierce red.
"I see."
"God knows I know I'm not supposed to be. And I've tried, I really have, to ignore those feelings, but I guess, losing my dad has shown me what's really important in life, and how little time we have with those who fit that description. I guess what I'm saying is that, unless you can maybe pull a few strings..."
"...You choose Jack over the stargate." He says, finishing my sentence for me. It's unnerving when I see the resigned look on his face.
"Sir, I know its not fair to ask, but... well, I love this programme so much, I guess I just figure its gotta be worth a shot."
He looks up at me, his hands knitted together on the desk in front of him. I can almost see the wheel turning in his head (so to speak) as he considers what I have said.
Moments pass, but it feels like hours, as the ticking clock on the wall suddenly becomes thunderous.
"I agree major. It is worth a shot. The work you do here is undisputed by anyone. You are the reason that this programme got any further than Abydos. And as for Colonel O'Neill, well he is the best this country has to offer. Why else would we have brought the man out of retirement? All I have to do is try and make the president see it that way. I take it you haven't... consummated your relationship yet?"
"No, sir."
"Good. That plays in our favour. The two of you have been in love for years now, haven't you?" The question is an already answered one. "And it's never effected your work... to a dangerous degree before." He goes on, seemingly thinking aloud. "I have the utmost belief in both you and Jack, and I know that should the president make any...special allowances, you will continue to act professionally and discreetly, at least on base. I mean, you understand, that he cannot change the whole military code, just for the two of you. And if others were to see that you take this for granted, they might not think to highly of you."
"I understand, General."
"Well, in that case, I'll see what I can do. Thank you for going the proper way about this major, and not going behind closed doors. I assure you, its better this way."
"I know. Thank you sir."
He nods his approval, and dismisses me, my head spinning as I realise what just happened. I head for the exit again, and this time, nothing stands in my way.
~X~
PART 4: With or Without?
"For all sad words of tongue and pen, the saddest are these; ' it might have been.'"
Waiting. Waiting is a strange thing. Everybody's waiting for something, and sometimes you don't even know what it is, or if it's just happened, passed you by and you didn't even notice.
It's been two days, 13 hours and 27 minutes since I left Hammonds office, since I left my future in his hands. I could go see him every hour and ask for the latest news, but I wont let myself. I wont set myself up like that, not when I could so easily be crushed by one little word. No.
Two insignificant letters, yet when you put them together they form a word so powerful it can rip the floor out from under you. Engulf your heart, chew it up and spit it out.
Yet another word keeps the balance in my heart and head, and stops me going crazy. Hope.
The computer screen in front of me suddenly fuzzes back into focus, as I let that train of thought go, whilst mentally kicking myself; 'concentrate on the matter in hand, Sam!'
"The decay rate of naquader is equal to..."
A voice over the PA system interrupts me.
'This is it.' I think to myself, closing the lid down on my laptop. Suddenly the general's office seems like it's too far away, and I almost run out of my lab.
My hands shake as I reach out and lightly knock on his door.
"Come in"
'Breath. Just remember to breath.' I tell myself as I push the door open and enter just inside.
"General, you wanted to see me?"
"Yes, come in major, take a seat."
I do as I'm told, moving to sit opposite him, and try desperately not to fidget.
"I have spoken to the president, concerning the matter we discussed two days ago."
I nod to signal that I know which 'matter' he is talking about.
"He has agreed to grant yourself and Jack a sort of 'rite of passage.'"
"What does that mean?" I ask on a sudden adrenaline high.
"Well, Major, it means that he'll turn a blind eye. So, if you and the Colonel want a relationship, you have his word that there will be no court marshal against you."
Am I hearing this right? I can't quite believe it.
"Are you sure that's what he said, sir. I mean...I wan to be sure."
"Yes, Major, that's what he said. However..."
My heart, which is making its way to my mouth, stops dead in its tracks, somewhere in my throat. 'Please don't take this away from me. That would be too cruel.'
"Sir?"
"...However, he can only promise that he wont do anything. If a new president is elected in the next vote, he'll have no control over what happens to you. You understand that?"
"Yes...sir, I understand." Suddenly it's like the hope I had was made of glass and someone just smashed it.
"There is away around that though."
Not thinking straight, I hear what he says from a distance, and it takes me a while to comprehend.
Finally I ask, "How?"
"Well, if you where to get married, and then be court marshalled immediately, and pardoned, as you would be because the president has agreed, then this particular regulation would no longer apply. And they could not split the two of you up, because you have entered into a legal contract, and they can't do anything about that."
I can breath again, and my heart slowly slides back down to its rightful place. For the first time I realise that I can finally have exactly what I want. I can have Jack. I can have Jack and still have the stargate. The tears I didn't realise where even there, drop from my eyes, and I smile. Something I hadn't pictured myself doing for a long time.
"Why is he doing this?" I have too know.
"I guess he likes you. I told him how valuable you and Jack are to this project, and that I don't think it can carry on with the two of you. At least, not yet. I haven't found anyone else who has your expertise, and he knows that."
"Thank you, General. You have no idea how much this means too me."
"Your welcome major. Now..." he's expression changes to that of a proud father "go get your man, and be happy!"
"Yes, Sir!"
I can't help but smile, as he gives me his blessing. I turn and practically run from his office.
Again!
"Jonas, have you seen the Colonel?" I ask, out of breath (only slightly. I am military trained you know) from my run though the halls of the SGC.
"Yeah. His in his office. Oh, Sam..."
"Sorry, Jonas, no time. Talk to you later." I shout back over my shoulder, as I head for that destination. Before I know it, I'm at the door.
'Ok, calm down Sam. Breath. You can't go in there all worked up, you'll end up making an idiot of yourself.'
I take a couple of deep breaths, and knock on the door, entering when the command comes.
"Carter! What can I do for ya?"
He looks up from a pile of paper work, seemly not impressed with the interruption, but I know him better than that. He'd take any excuse to get out of writing reports!
'Ok this is it' I think to myself. 'Why didn't I think this though first? Plan a really great way of telling him. Now I'm standing here in front of the rest of my life, and I don't know what to say. '
"Carter?" He prompts me.
"Sir, I... would you like to come for a walk with me? On the surface." I guess I decided this isn't the place to tell him.
"I would love too, but I really should..."
"Please" I interrupt.
He looks at me, slightly shocked by my pushing on this, and decides...
"Ah, what the hell. This report is already 3 months late. What difference is another half an hour gonna make?"
He drops he's pen symbolically, and outing the lights and grabbing his green fatigue jacket from the back of his chair on the way out, we make for the surface.
I forgot how beautiful our planet is.
It's a summers evening, and the sky is full of orange and gold as the sun gently rests on the horizon, after a hard day of beaming down on the people below. The air is warm but fresh, and there's the smell of cut grass on the breeze. The birds sing happily as they make there way home for the night, along with a noisy cricket.
Just a normal summers evening at twilight, and the world goes on, blissfully unaware of what is going on out there beyond the stars, which are just starting to appear, along with just a sliver of a crescent moon.
I walk next to him as we walk further and further away from the prying eyes of the base. I reach down and take his hand as we carry on walking. He looks at me with that look. The one that says, 'I'm slightly confused by this, but I like it.'
I stop and turn to face him. This is the bit where I tell him. Here goes.
"Jack..."
"Jack?" He raises he's eyebrows in a questioning manor.
"Jack" I continue with more determination, " what would you do if I told that we could be together. In a relationship, and neither of us would have to keep secrets or give up the stargate?"
"I would say...'Huh?'"
I smile as he tilts he's head, and for a split second reminds me of the dog I had when I was 12 which also used to look at me like I was crazy.
"Ok. Well, then, 'huh'." He's confused!
"I went to see General Hammond, two days ago. He spoke to the president, and he's agreed to let us be together. I mean, if that's what you want, which it..."
He places a silencing finger on my lips.
"It's what I want!"
For a moment we just stand there looking at each other, seeing beyond the merely physical. Then, he moves the finger from my lips, around to the side of my face, and gently pulls me towards him, as we share our first REAL kiss.
It starts slowly, but pretty soon passion takes over, and he deepens the kiss, as my hands encircle his neck and his, mine.
The twilight evening around us fades into dust, as he becomes the only thing I see.
Things are finally working out. I'm finally moving on.
A falling star catches my eye, and I stop kissing and Jack and smile, looking over his shoulder.
"What?" he asks, puzzled.
"A shooting star! You know, when I was little, my mother told me that when people die, they don't really leave. They become a star, sitting in the sky, where they can keep an eye on you. Look after you. When she died, I spent months looking for her star. I never found it. I gave up, and started to believe that it was just something she'd said to make me feel better after grandpa died. But you know what, I think she was right after all. I think her and dad...are watching out for me." My eyes flicker back to his, and I know that this is right.
"Yeah. Yeah, I think your right." He smiles back briefly before lifting my chin with his finger and engulfing me in his kiss again.
'Thanks dad.' I think to myself, feeling content that the star was a sign of his approval.
The night fades around us, and we don't care.
~X~
PART 5: A New Thing
"To unpathed waters, undreamed shores"
-Shakespeare.
I never thought I could feel like this. Complete. For once in my life, I feel complete. And he gave it to me. Jack gave me the greatest gift in the entire world. Himself.
After our walk came too an end and the sun was making its way up, bringing a new day with it, Jack and I didn't go back to the base, but instead came here, to his house. And what followed was amazing. After a beer, and an unsure silence, passion finally took hold of us. Not mad, just soft, and tender. Each of us showing the other how much we love them.
The result; I am lying in his arms, again, but this time we are more than friends. We are lovers. His head lays on the pillow as he quietly sleeps, each breath warming the back of my neck, and his arms are draped around me, fingers lightly resting just above my belly button.
I take in a deep breath and close my eyes; happy in the knowledge that this is how I'll spend the rest of my life, before I fall into the glorious realm of sleep.
I wake to find that it wasn't a dream, he is still here and already awake as I turn over and am greeted with a:
"Morning Hun." I smile like an idiot before returning the favour.
"Ummm, morning."
He leans in and kisses my forehead, then lies back down as I lay my hand on his check, just making sure that he's real. The sunlight streams in though the curtains and lights up his face, making him look even more gorgeous as I move in closer, now sharing his pillow.
"Jack, there's something that I never got round to telling you last night. About us."
"Oh?"
"This...deal the president has made with us, it has a catch. Well, it's not really a catch, not if you look at it the same way I do..."
" Carter!" That shocks both of us.
"Sorry. Habit. I mean Sam, what is this catch?"
I look at him for a second, before shaking off the stillness of thought and continuing with what I was saying, "We have to get married. And before the next election." His face is unreadable for a moment, which worries me, coz its not often that I can't read his face. It's scary.
"Oh."
"Oh! Oh? What do you mean, oh? Jack... don't you want to marry me?"
"Yeah, ya see, I don't know." His face is sombre. Shit, shit, shit, don't do this. "The rest of my life...chained to an angel." A slow smile spreads across his face and then mine replacing the worried look, as I realise he is joking. "Got'cha"
"Jack! That wasn't very nice!" I mock yell at him at the same time as (lightly) whacking he's arm. He starts to tiggle me and we end up in a full blown war, pillows flying, and rolled up socks being thrown in all directions. I finally manage to pin him, and that's when he decides to call a truce, (Just when I was winning!)
"I guess you're just to good for me, Mrs O'Neill."
"Aint that the truth!" I flash him an evil grin before lightning my grip on his wrists and he wraps his arms around my waist as we kiss and make up.
4 MONTHS LATER
The last four months have gone so quickly. Telling Janet and the guys, not only about us, but that we're getting married was fun. There faces were priceless, full of shock that slowly turned to 'how?' And then to 'yay!'
Since then, Janet and Cassie have been helping, well I say helping, but what I really mean is throwing bridal magazine in front of me at all hours of the day, including during a briefing (general Hammond wasn't to happy about that, despite the fact that he is giving me away!) So its bliss to finally have everything organised. The JP's office, the flowers, dresses, reception, and of course, the honey moon. This I am worried about. See, I left it up to Jack (he was feeling left out). So why do I keep having visions of a lake, and fish!?
Cassie is going to be my bridesmaid, along with my niece, Marks daughter. I must remember to call Jack to check...no wait. I can't. It's the night before the wedding, and we're not supposed to talk or see each other. Besides, he'd ring me if there were a problem. He would. He would! So why is my hand resting on the phone?
Phew. Good, a distraction. I go to see who is at the door, placing my now empty wine glass on the table in the front room before reaching the door.
"HEY! How's the bride tonight?" Cassie and Janet come bounding in, hyper active, and arms full of makeup, Champaign and pizza.
"Hey guys. She's fine. A little nervous, but fine."
"That's good. Jack is a wreck!"
"He is?!"
"Yeah, he's all over the place, thinking he's forgotten something."
"He did remember to pick up Teal'c and Jonas form the SGC, right?"
"Yes! Yes, that he did. They were leaving at the same time as I was. Oh, and General Hammond said he would be 'round in the morning, about 10."
"Good." I breathe a sigh of relief. "Anyway, what's Jack got to be worried about? He's done this before. This is my first time!"
"Well, then lets make it perfect first time."
I smile as we head into the kitchen, dumping the goods on the table.
The night goes by quickly, with Janet and I making our way though the bottle of bubbly at an alarming rate, and pigging out on pizza, but Cassie helped us with that bit!
We had a good girly gossip as we painted our nails in preparation for tomorrow, before conducting a final check of the vitals:
"Makeup?"
"Check!"
"Dresses?"
"Check"
"Flowers are coming in the morning so they are fresh, Kelly is being dropped off here at 7AM so we can have our hair done at 7:30. Ok, everything else is up to others. Jack was gonna check the office and the food. I think that's everything?"
"Um hum. Sounds good."
"Right then, guys. Early night. We have a long day tomorrow."
"Ok, goodnight Sam, sleep well."
"You to Cass. Night Janet"
"Night."
I head to my room after making sure they have everything they need, and go though the usual bedtime procedure, plus face cream, for a nice refreshed look in the morning! As I lay on my bed, I suddenly realise that not only is this my last night as a single woman, but also the first night I have spent away from Jack since we got engaged. Its funny, but I had forgotten how big my bed is. It's been a while since I slept in it alone.
Something tells me sleep wont come easy tonight.
"SAM! Sam, wake up, it's your wedding day! Sam!"
"Huh? What?"
"Come on! Get up!"
Suddenly, before I'm even awake, this teenage girl who is freakishly strong is pulling me out of bed! All I want to do is crawl back in and curl up with my Colonel. But I remember he's not there and the penny drops! He's not there because I am marring him today!
Getting ready is kinda of a blur. My stomach is making angry noises, and I have people all round me doing my hair and makeup. Cassie and Kelly are both dancing around in their dresses, with Janet chasing around after them making sure they don't spill anything on them, even though they are adolescents.
My flowers arrive safely, as does General Hammond! Looking all swish in a Full military uniform!
The time passes and before I know it, its time to leave for the JP's office. My future waits and all that. Cassie, Janet and Kelly have already left, and should be there any minute, which just leave's General Hammond and I.
I stand back from the mirror in my bedroom, and check everything is in its place on my dress, which is a Celtic design, white with off the shoulder chiffon sleeves that go all the way down to my hands and tiny lilac flowers line the heme of the bodess. A slim skirt with a long flowing white train at the back. I decided against a vale, going for a sliver tiara instead.
Finally deciding that its now or never, I leave my room walking down the long corridor to be greeted by an astounded look from the General, waiting in my living room. I stand still, and then give a little turn.
"Well, will I do?"
"Major, you look... Jack is a VERY lucky man!"
"I'll take that as a compliment! Thank you. I just wish my dad could have been here. I'd like to know that he approved."
"He is here, in spirit. And I know that there were two things that your dad wanted for you. The best, and for you to be happy. I think its pretty safe to say that Jack fulfils Jacobs criteria!"
I smile as I reply, "I think you're right." And take a deep breath before adding, "Shall we go, then?"
He holds out his arm, and together we leave the house, picking up my flowers en route for to the rest of my life. I can't wait!
~X~
PART 6: Baby Blue.
"Love is natures second sun."
It's hard to believe that I'm now Mrs. Samantha O'Neill. The wedding was beautiful, and Jack and Teal'c (who was the best man) looked very handsome, Jack in his dress blues and Teal'c in a grey suit and hat.
As I stood at the 'alter' in front of a large window, I got lost in Jack's eyes.
<"Samantha, I, Jack, promise to love, honour and cherish you until the end of time. There will be no other, in my heart or my soul who could ever take your place. I am yours, body, mind and soul until the day I die.">
I don't think I'll ever forget those words, or the way they made me feel as he looked me square in the eye, into my very being, and spoke them to me. My heart sang, and my body quivered as I felt the full power of what he was saying. I'm still shaking, even now, as we escape the party that feels like it is going to go on forever.
As Jack says, once Teal'c starts singing, it's time to go! And oh boy, is he singing. He's really going for it, giving a rendition of Robbie Williams, Angels.
Jack takes my hand and leads me anyway, before Jonas joins in!
I feel guilty as we drive away without even saying goodbye, but its not like I had a choice in the matter. When Jack is that determined, there's no stopping him. Actually, I'm glad to be out of there. I just want to be with my husband, alone!
I get changed from my wedding dress into something a little more low key, in the back seat, which I can assure you, is a very difficult operation without losing your dignity! And don't think I didn't notice Jack's occasional glances in the mirror, which he'd angled just right so that he could see exactly what I was doing.
We finally arrive at our destination, a very long drive (and 4 packets of some minty sweet that turned out to be very addictive) later! Ok, so it's not the cabin. It's a hotel, on the outskirts of town, near the ocean. It's a pretty place, not to big and not to small. There are vines hung around the sign, but I think it's called, 'Ocean spray inn'. (I'm hoping it wasn't named that because the ocean actually does spray in!?)
We make our way in, and Jack sorts out the details with the receptionist, before we finally head for our room.
At the door, Jack thanks the porter, giving him a tip, and then waiting for him to get our of view before swing the door open and taking me into his arms.
"Ah! Jack" I laugh, before adding with a devilish grin, "are you sure your back can take this?"
"Hey, I'll have you know, Mrs. O'Neill, I am in great shape. My back can take a lot my than this, and I'll prove that if I have to."
"Is that a promise?" I laugh as he carries me across the fresh hold, and places me on the bed. The King size bed!
From here on in the night becomes a haze of champagne, genuinely tiny and uncomfortable undies! (Good job I didn't have to ware them for too long!) And incredible passion.
To soon the sun comes up, and I'm lying in his arms, still dizzy from my recent high.
I turn over gently, to see if he is awake, but find that he is still snoozing. I can't help but be filled with a sort of warn glow when I see him sleeping. He looks almost childlike, so innocent and beautiful. I smile as I remember that he belongs to me, and I to him.
I place my hand on his cheek and run it down towards his jaw, closely following every twist and turn of his face, until I meet the rough unshaven area close to his lips. I repeat the same motion again, this time turning my hand over and just using my index finger. When I again reach his lips, I place a small kiss on his forehead and settle back down into his arms. There, I watch him sleep as the sunlight dances across his face.
Eventually he does stir, and I seize the moment, not wanting to lose him to sleep again.
"Hi! How are you this morning?" I ask.
"How are you?" He frowns. I love it when he does that!
"Yeah, I couldn't think of anything else to say. So...how are ya?" I ask, trying to look all innocent, like I'm not trying to get him up. A tinge of sadness darkens my heart for a moment as I remember playing this game with my parents, particularly dad, on Christmas day. He would always keep us waiting for him to get up before we could open our presents!
"I'm good. Actually, I'm very good! And yourself?" He plays along.
"Oh, I'm peachy!" I reply, genuinely. He smiles, and all thoughts leave my head! My dad wanted me to be happy. Jack makes me happy. I have to think about that now.
"So, what'cha wonna do today?" I ask.
"Well, we could stay here all day, lay in bed and order up room service."
"Sounds good."
"OR... we could go to phase two of honeymoon ala Jack!"
I raise my eyebrows in surprise. I have to admit; I had thought this was it! A hotel outside of town for a week. Ok, so maybe a part of me had thought, well, hoped really, that this wasn't it, but come on, I let Jack organise it, what did you expect me to think?
"Ok, part two, what does that involve?"
"Mostly, an airplane, an Italian dictionary, and us." A huge smile spreads across both of our faces.
"I am taking you to Venice, my gorgeous wife, and there we are going have fun, chill out, and do other...things! But most importantly we are gonna be away from the SGC, so no talking or thinking about work. Is that clear?"
"Hey, who wares the pants in this marriage!" He narrows his eyes, and I yield. "Ok, fine! No talking or thinking about work." He looks at me with more determination, so I add, (raising my hands in a 'I surrender' fashion) "I promise."
"There's a good 'lil girl!" He pats me on the head! HE PATS ME ON THE HEAD!!!
"Ok, that's taking it too far, mister! Its about time I taught you some manners!"
And I think its pretty safe to bet he learnt his lesson!
A YEAR LATER
"Sam, honey, you ok in there?"
His voice follows a soft knock on the bathroom door. Every morning for the last week I have been throwing up. I know what's going on; at least, I'm pretty sure I know. I'm surprised Jack hasn't caught on yet.
"Yeah, I'll be out in a minute." I reply.
I have to figure this thing out. I've been to scared to take the test as yet, for two reasons. One; I don't know how Jack will react to being a father again. After he lost Charlie, he was a mess, and it's taken him a long time to come to terms with what happened. I don't want this to be something that will come between us. I couldn't face that. And two; I don't know if I'll be able to keep working. I have to deal with so many dangers everyday; I could risk the baby's life. That wouldn't be fair, on either of us.
I guess the first thing I need to do is take the test, then go see Janet. I want to take a home test first, just to prepare myself. If its negative, I need to go see her to find out why I'm throwing up, and why I'm late! And if its positive, I still need to go see her.
Feeling slightly better, I wash my face and leave the bathroom, only to find Jack waiting right outside the door.
"Jeez, Jack. You scared me!"
"Sorry. How ya feeling?"
"Better. I think." I side step him, and head for the bedroom. After we got married, I sold my dads house (it was hard to let go, but I decided that I had to move on and make a new life for myself, and selling the house was a big part of that.) and moved in with Jack.
"You know, I think maybe you should tell someone about this. I mean, you've been ill for a week now." He says, following me into the bedroom and sitting on the bed whilst I change from the nightshirt to civvies.
"I will. I just... I think I'll see how it goes over the weekend. If I still need to, I'll go see Janet first thing Monday. In the meantime, I gotta go to work, and so do you." I grab his hand and pull him up. Its always difficult to get Jack motivated to go to work, but once his there, he loves it, and no matter how hard he tries to deny that, I know the truth!
"Ohh! Do I have too? It only seems like five minutes since I left damn place!"
"Yes, you do have to! Oh, come on, Jack, its not like we have any missions scheduled. Just a nice ordinary 9 to 5 day, full of paperwork and meetings! Bliss."
"Ahh! See, you shouldn't have said that. I bet'cha you've just jinxed us. Well, ya know, tok'ra, forget it! Thor, maybe, but the tok'ra no way!"
"What have you got against those guys, anyway?" I ask, leading him to the front door and picking up my keys and jacket on the way out.
"Oh come on, Carter, every time they drop by, something happens. And 9 times out of 10, I wont like it. Also, have noticed how they always hold back info 'till the last minute. That counts as a surprise in my book, and you know I don't like surprises!"
"Yes, honey, I know." I smile sweetly and toss him the keys. "You're driving. Can we stop by the chemist though, coz I need a few painkillers for this... whatever it is."
"Yeah, sure, youbet'cha!" He buys my act, and we take a detour en rout to the SGC
Why is it, whenever your buying things...girl things, that you always feel like people are looking at you. I resolve to get outer there as quickly as possible, and so pick up the nearest test, 'clear blue' and take it to the counter, keeping my head down and praying I don't see anyone I know.
"That'll be $14.95 please." I hand over the money, snatch the bag and make a hasty exit.
Back in the car, I quickly shove the offending object into my kit bag, before Jack can see that the package is way to big to be painkillers.
"Get what you need?"
"Yeah, thanks."
"Ok. To work!"
I hate lying to him, but I want to be sure before I potentially turn his world upside down.
The day passes, and I'm pleased to say that Jack was wrong. The tok'ra didn't call, and neither did anyone else for matter. The most exciting thing to take place was a briefing about soil samples, which ordinarily would have been great, but I was to busy feeling nauseous to take much in.
In the locker room at the end of the day I meet up with Jonas.
"Hey Sam"
"Hey." I reply, slightly peeved at being interrupted whilst lost in thought.
"Jack says your not feeling great?"
"Does he. Yeah, I think I've got a bug or something. I'll be ok." He gives me that look at screams 'I don't believe you, but I'll drop it'. And I'm glad he does, I've done enough lying for one day.
"Well, take care." He places a reassuring hand on my arm before heading for the door.
"I will. Thanks."
"Sure. Goodnight, Sam."
"Night Jonas."
Ok, it's now or never. I've sent Jack out for pizza and a video; I don't want him here while I do this. I dig into my bag and pull it out.
'Ok. I can do this.' I say quietly to myself, as I head for the bathroom.
FIVE MINUTES LATER
It's sitting on the table. I haven't looked at it yet. I was considering having a quick drink to steady my nerves, but if I am...what I think I am, that's probably not such a good idea.
I look at the time, 8:30pm. Jack will be home any minute, I have to do this, and I have to do it now. I take a deep breath. 'Ok, I can do this, I can, its just a little stick, and these things are only, what, 99% accurate anyway! Ok, here goes.'
I hesitate for a moment. 'And I'm going, here I go...oh this is ridiculous'. I finally walk over and pick it up. And just as I thought, I jump aboard the emotional rollercoster for a ride. I have to sit down as I double check.
'One blue line, no baby. Two blue lines, baby. Two blue lines. I'm gonna be a mum.'
Now I really need a drink!!
"Sam, I'm home."
I quickly realise that I still have the test in my hand. Do I tell him now, or wait, hide this from him. I can't. I have to tell him; I can't deal with this by myself.
"I'm in here." I yell from the front room.
"Hey, I got Armageddon and Notting Hill. The clerk said they are pretty good. Personally, I'm thinking 'chick flick', but I guess we can judge that for ourselves."
"Great. Umm, Jack, can I talk to you for a minute."
"Sure, something wrong?" He asks, not really paying attention, as he takes the pizza to the kitchen and starts getting some plates out.
"Umm, well...yes and no, I'm not really...Jack could you just stop for a moment and listen, this is important." I snap as he continues to preoccupy himself with other things. He looks up at me, putting the plate in his hand down, and moving towards me, taking my hand. That's when he notices what I've been holding for all this time.
"What's this?"
"It's a pregnancy test. It's a positive pregnancy test."
"It's...your pregnant"
"Yes, I am. Look Jack, I know this is going to be hard for you, coz of... well Charlie. But, it's gonna be hard for me to. I mean, I've never done this before, and well... I'm a little scared, to tell you the truth."
He just stands there. Looking at the test.
"Jack, please. Say something."
He looks up at me, and he looks sad. I think.
"I'm gonna be a dad?" I nod, and he smiles. Relief floods my veins as he steps closer and holds me, rubbing his hand over my back. "I'm gonna be a dad." He laughs. "Thank you." He whispers in my ear.
"Hey, you know, you had some part in this too. It's me who should be thanking you. But Jack, I want you to know that this isn't gonna be easy. I mean, like I said, I've never done this before, so I'm gonna need a lot of help, and neither of us are getting any younger."
"I know. I'll be there for you every step of the way. But you know, your gonna be great."
"Oh, really?" I playfully ask, sitting back in his arms, and smiling.
"Absolutely!"
Content... that's a good word for how I feel as we curl up on the sofa and watch Notting hill with a slice of pizza and a cup of coffee.
~X~
PART 7: Claxons and red flashing lights.
"'You are the caretaker of the generations, you are the birth giver,' the sun told the woman, 'you will be the carrier of this universe'" - Brule Sioux 'Sun creation myth'.
(7 MONTHS LATER)
"How you doing, Sam?" Janet asks as I walk into the infirmary for my '8 and a half months' check up. Just like two weeks ago, and two weeks before that, and the two weeks before that...in fact, every two weeks since I found out I was having a baby!
The reason; 'I'll only allow you to keep working if you promise to take it easy, and check in every two weeks!' So that's what I do. However, I haven't been though the gate since I found out I was having a baby. I didn't want to risk it and neither did Jack. By working, what Janet means is writing reports, doing SAFE experiments, and simulations, etc. No gate travel. God knows what effects it could have on the baby.
"I'm ok. Uncomfortable, but that's to be expected when your carrying around an extra 6 or 7 pounds, right!"
" 'Fraid so. What about the Braxston hicks, had anymore?" She asks, not looking up from my chart as I sit on the edge of the bed.
"Janet, with Jack on high alert, if I'd had anymore, you would know about them, believe me. If I so much as get indigestion, he has me in here quicker than a shot! I don't know what he so panicky about, I mean, it takes a while doesn't it?"
She puts the chart down and sets about sticking a needle in my arm for even more of my blood. Smiling, she says, "It usually does, but there can be exceptions. I think it's quite sweet really, he just wants everything to run smoothly for you."
I smile and nod. That doesn't last long though, as I suddenly get a sharp pain in my abdomen. "Ough" I place my hand on my belly, and feel the baby move.
"What is it?" Before I can answer, she leaps in to doctor mode, and has her hand on my belly, brushing mine out of the way, so she can feel, closely followed by a stethoscope.
"It's nothing, just a twinge. Must be all this talk of false alarms."
"Umm." She stands back and folds her arms again. "I think your right, but just hang around for a little while will you, see if you get anymore. We don't want the Colonel to get any more speeding tickets!" She smiles and walks away.
"Hey, he only got one! And that was coz it was the first false alarm." I call after her.
I 'hop' down and walk back to my office to do some more paper work. I swear, if this lasts much longer, I'll run out of work to do, and that's something you would think impossible.
Ok, this is starting to worry me now. Ever since that first twinge, I have been getting occasional pain, but it doesn't last long, and has been hours apart. I stayed at the SGC all afternoon, and when I didn't get anymore, I came home with Jack.
Now it's the middle of the night, and I can't sleep. The pain is definitely getting worse, and closer together. I don't wake Jack up, coz I know he'll panic again. It's not time for that yet, I decide as I walk to the kitchen for a glass of water.
I reach up for a glass out of the top cupboard, just as a wave of pain washes over me, and I have to cling on to the sideboard, and take deep breaths to get though it. This one is the longest yet. I look at the clock and make a mental note of the time. 4:37. The last one was only ten minutes ago. It takes twenty minutes to get across town and up to the base. That means I have to leave when the contractions are about 6 or 7 minutes apart.
'Alright kid, this had better be the real thing!' I warn my baby before getting back to having a drink.
I go back to bedroom, and get dressed. 'Time to wake daddy up.' But just then I get another contraction. I place my hands on the dressing table and brace myself. This one is so painful; I can't help but let out a small cry.
Breathing deeply though gritted teeth, I try to wake Jack up.
"Jack. Jack!" No response, so I grab the nearest object, my hairbrush, and throw it over my shoulder. "JACK!" The brush hits him in the stomach, making him sit bolt upright.
"What!" He asks, half asleep and hair sticking up in a couple of places.
"Jack, I think this is the real thing. We've gotta go to the SG...ahhhh!"
He's out of bed in a flash, and rubbing my back as again I try to concentrate on breathing though the pain.
"It's ok Sam, just keep taking deep breaths. I'll be ready to go in a minute. Have you got everything you need?"
"Yeah. Just hurry up, this baby wants to come."
Five minutes later we're in the truck, heading across town.
"How many contractions have you had?" Janet asks as I sit on a bed.
"I've kinda lost count. I think I've been having them all day, since that one this morning."
"Have you been timing them?" she asks, whilst doing 'doctor stuff'.
"Yeah, the last was 5 minutes ago."
"Ok, This is the real thing, Sam. I'm going to need you to push in a while, but not yet. It's very important that you don't push until I tell you, ok?"
"I know."
Another contraction happens, but this time Jack is holding my hand as Janet preps her staff around the bed on what's going on.
Twenty minutes later I am giving birth...
"AHHHHHH! OH MY GOD, THIS HURTS!"
"It's ok Sam, you doing so well. Your almost there honey, I just need one more big push. Can you do that for me?"
"I don't think so," I almost cry.
"Yes you can, baby. Just take a deep breath and squeeze my hand really tight." Jack says. I'm in half a mind to yell at him! After all, I'm pretty sure I was asleep when all this happened. But I decide I haven't got the energy, and just want to get this kid out of me.
"On the count of three, Sam, One big long push, and it'll all be over." Janet says. "One, two, three..."
I squeeze Jacks hand and push, almost screaming at the same time.
"That's it, good girl."
"Ahh!"
Finally it's over. The baby is out and I lay back on the pillows as Jack kisses my head. "I'm so proud of you." He smiles.
"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" This time it's the baby crying. We both look to the bottom of the bed where Janet is cutting the cord.
"Congratulations, you have a son." She smiles as she hands me a little bundle wrapped in white and blue towels. I take my son, and a small tear rolls down my cheek as I pull back the covers slightly and am greeted by a wrinkly little red face.
"So you're the one who's been kicking me! Hi. I'm mummy, and this..." I smile and look up at Jack. He leans in so he can see our sons face, "Is daddy!"
"Hey there, kid." We fall into silence for a minute, before Jack suddenly says, "I think he looks like your dad. Bald and wrinkly!"
I can't help it, I have to laugh. "Little Jacob!"
Jack looks at me and then nods his head in approval. "Jacob!"
"OK guys, that's enough. Mum and baby need some rest!" Janet says from across the room. "Jacob, is two weeks early, I'd like to give him a check over. Colonel, can you bring him over please?"
I carefully hand him over to his dad, and he carries him over to Janet.
"Sam, get some rest. We've got all the bases covered until he needs a feed." Janet says.
"Hey," I answer, suddenly very tied again "You wont get any argument form me."
I can hear them before I can see them. Teal'c, Jonas, Cass and Jack are sitting around the baby's crib, which is next to my bed, making cooing noises and being generally all 'aww, look at the cute 'icle thing' ish!
"The cute 'icle thing has a name!" I speak up for the first time. They turn around, each with a smile on their face, but none as impressive as Jack's.
"Hey babe." He says as he takes my hand.
"Sam, he's amazing. Congratulations!" Jonas gives me a quick peck on the on the check before taking one last look at my son and making his excuses, taking Cass and Teal'c with him before he starts performing some ritual they have on chulak.
I look over at the crib to see that Jake is asleep. 'Typical', I think to myself, 'mum and baby having different sleeping patterns...that should be fun!'
"How ya feeling?" I almost forgot he was even there for a second.
"Sore. But it was worth it." I smile and squeeze his hand.
"Thank you, Sam."
"What for?"
"Just... everything. I love you." I'll never get used to hearing him say that! Every time the words pass his lips it's like his saying them for the first time. I look straight back into his deep brown eyes and find my home. Corny, I know, but it's true. Jack is my true north.
"Not getting all mushy on me are ya?" I playfully ask. "Well, even if you are, I love you too, more than you'll ever know."
(3 MONTHS LATER)
I had forgotten what a mad house this place can be at times. I've only been gone a few months, and it's like the world came crashing down. OK, maybe I'm exaggerating a bit, but honestly, the number of minor faults in the computer, which have just been overlooked! Ok, so it's not life or death stuff, but still...!
I stand in the middle of the gate room, geared up and ready for my first mission in months. The sound of the chevrons engaging fills the room, as general Hammond descends from the control room to wish us luck.
As happy as I am to be back, and I really am, ( I was going crazy stuck at home, day in day out), I can't help but miss Jake, and wonder if his ok. I've left him with a friend, Captain Vanessa Young. We've been mates for a while now, and she is in this program too, so she knows all about the unpredictable-ness of missions.
The sergeant in the control announces that 'chevron 7 is locked,' and Hammond says the usual, 'SG1, you have go,' and Jack says the usual, 'Thank you Sir,' then we're done with the formalities and I'm stepping though the gate to P4X-697.
We emerge and are immediately greeted by the locals. Jack jumps into action, introducing me, as I'm a new comer, and they give me weird looks.
I can see that. The technology they have is amazing. Just from a quick look around the gate, I can tell they must be very intelligent, and we're wise to get them on our side.
"Carter," He insists he calls me that at work. Don't ask me why, I think it's a guy thing! It doesn't seem have sunken in that my name has changed. "This is Kacko. He's the local doctor, and the one who backed us when we first asked to trade. Kacko, this is Major Sam Car..." Proof that it hasn't sunken in yet! "O'Neill. She's my second in command and also my wife." He gives me a little wink.
"It's nice to meet you Major O'Neill." He bows his head, and gives a friendly smile.
"You too, Kacko. And, please, call me Sam." I return the gesture, giving a small bow and smile to accompany it.
The day passes smoothly, and I begin to wonder why we're even here. Apparently we're supposed to be looking around, seeing if there's anything that we need, and can bargain for, but, to be honest, I don't think there is. We're already getting trinium and access to advanced medicines, weapons and technology's, such as ships. It would be mind blowing, except I've seen this sort of thing before.
As the night draws in, I sit by a small 'fountain' of fire, and emerge myself in thought. So when Sisto, another local, approaches me I don't notice until the last minute.
"Hello." He says confidently. "Mind if I join you?"
"Be my guest." He sits down.
"You seem distracted, if you don't mind me saying."
It's true; I was away with the fairies. But I'm back now.
"Let me give you something," he says, pulling out a small pouch from his pocket, and emptying it's contents into my cup, sitting contently in my hands half fall with a tea-like substance.
"What is it?" I ask, suspiciously.
"Don't worry," he laughs at the look on my face, " it's just a mild stimulant drug. I believe Earth has something similar...caffeine? It'll help you concentrate." Still not sure, but coming round to the idea of a caffeine kick, I ask if it's safe before downing it. The taste is not great, but it's bearable.
"Sam, where going." Jonas alerts me
"Ok." I shout back. "Thanks, Sisto. Bye."
I hand him the mug and gather my things, heading for the gate, and arrive as Teal'c enters the final symbol on the DHD. I take one more look at the planet, as it's two moons rise over the near by lake, and then step though the gate, into the blur that carries us home.
~X~
PART 8: fallen Hero
"Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood" -Marie Curie
"So, how did your first mission go?" Janet makes idle conversation whilst running various tests on me.
"Not bad. It was nice to get back into things, even though it was a bit slow. I missed Jake, as well." She gives a knowing smile and nods.
"Ow! Jeez, do you people lessons in conducting painful tests?" I look around Janet to see Jack, acting like a baby, all because of a little blood test.
"Yes, Colonel! 'How to torture Jack O'Neill with a needle and other sharp objects, 101'.
"Way to go, Janet!" I congratulate her on putting him in his place, as a confused look creeps over his face.
Turning her attention back on me, with a delighted look on her face, she examines my chart. That's when her face changes, and that's when every person in this base knows that you should be worried.
"Sam, while you were on that planet, did you eat, or take anything...unusual?" She asks, not looking up from the clipboard in her hands.
"No, I don't think so. Oh! I did drink this tea-like stuff. It had some kind of stimulant in it. I was told it was no stronger or harmful than coffee. Why?"
Finally looking at me, she replies, "These blood test results aren't looking to good. They're showing the presence of an abnormal substance, and in large quantities."
My head spins as I struggle to get to grips to with what she is saying.
"What kind of abnormal substance, Doc?" Jack asks, hopping off the bed and crossing the short distance between us.
"I'm not sure. I'm gonna have to run a few more tests." Great! Tests. "Sam, do you feel at all unwell? Any dizziness or headaches? Anything at all?"
"No, I feel fine."
"Well, I'd still like to run more tests."
40 Minutes later
I sit in my lab, painfully trying to remove the plaster Janet had stuck on my arm after she took yet more of my blood, along with other bodily fluids, which shall remain nameless. (Use your imagination!) Why the hell do they insist on sticking these things on anyway? It's a tiny hole and barely bleeds at all, plus, I swear that pulling them of hurts more than the actual test!
"Ow! Jeez."
"Baby!" Jack mocks as he turns the corner and enters my lab.
"Oh, I'm the baby! Who was it who was complaining about a little needle less an hour ago?" An innocent, and slightly dumfounded look crosses his face, whilst he tries to think of a comeback, but in the end settles for, "I love you" accompanied by the biggest smile he can manage. I reply with a tut and role my eyes.
He walks around the bench and places a kiss on my forehead. A feeling of satisfaction passes over me and I take his hand, resting my head on his stomach briefly before looking up and meeting his eyes.
"Jack, I..."
Woh! What the hell? Everything suddenly gets blurry, and I feel incredibly dizzy.
"Sam?" His voice comes from a distance. Suddenly I cant breath. Why cant I breath? My chest is tight, really tight! I cant... breath?
"Jack..." my voice uses all the air I have left as I plead for help. A darkness covers me. A darkness I have seen before, but never like this. Unable to draw air into my starving, burning lungs, my body shuts down and I fall.
"Get me some... stat!"
"What's...her?"
The voices enter my head rapidly and leave it just as quickly. I can't make out what is being said, it all just merges into one. All I have is darkness all around me, and loud sounds filling my head every now and then.
Something is pressed against my mouth, shoving heavy air in to my empty lungs, again and again, almost rhythmically. I feel the oxygen course though my veins and into every finger and every toe, as the feeling returns and the numbness release's its grip. I chock as my body fights to take back control and I am left to breath on my own.
"She's back." Janet. That's Janet's voice. I must be in the infirmary.
"Sam, can you hear me?"
"Jack?" I ask, not sure if I'm really hearing his voice over the constant beeping of the near by machines and monitors.
"I'm here." He laces his fingers around my 'dripped' hand.
"What happened?" Opening my eyes I find him leaning over me, which I am grateful for, as it blocks my eyes from the intolerably bright lights above me.
"You stopped breathing. Just for future reference, that's not a very good idea, so don't do it again, that's an order!" He meant it as a joke, but I could hear the tremor in his voice and see the fear in his eyes, only just starting to be replaced with relief. I scared him.
"Yes, Sir." I reply, my voice thick.
"Your test results all concur. The abnormal substance in your system is a form of poison."
"Poison?" Jack questions.
"Yes, Colonel. It's nothing I've ever seen before. But I do know that it caused your lungs to spasm earlier, and that's why you couldn't breath. The bottom line is, we need to find a way to get this thing out of you." She says, turning her gaze on me.
My blood runs cold. What the hell is this thing gonna do to me? And why, why was I so stupid? It most have been that drink. I should have said no as soon as he offered it to me.
Jack asks the question that no my lips; "What if we can't?"
Janets look is one I know well. I've seen it many times, usually when she is giving bad news.
"I can't say for definite, but form what I've seen so far, it's like a ... cancer. It's taking over Sam's organs and causing them to ... malfunction. I can't say if that malfunction can be permanent, I'll have to do some more scans and tests, but the good news is that it wasn't permanent with your lungs." Thank god, but the look on her face tells me there's a 'but' coming, " but..." There it is! " If it takes over a vital organ, like the brain, and shuts it down..."
That's it. I can't hear the rest of that sentence. No longer hocked up to any machines I get up and just walk away. Basically, my best friend just told me I could die at anytime that poison decides to play games.
I round the corner and place my back against the wall, running my fingers though my hair, and try to regain the focus in my eyes, which has gone a skew because of the rapid build up of water, threatening to fall.
Before I know it, I can feel his arms around me, holding me tightly, as if, if he let go I would disappear.
"What am I going to do?" I ask, finally giving up and letting the tears fall.
"We'll get through this. We will! Your gonna be fine." I wish I could believe that. I really do.
Having my stomach pumped is something that I never want to go through again. Janet decided it best to make sure that all of the poison was out of my stomach, if there was any left there, that is.
Jack stayed with me though out, and I'm glad he did, because I needed him.
It's well after midnight, and I feel like shit (and that doesn't even fully cover it). My body has been filled with chemicals, more than once. I've thrown up more times than I care to remember and I have some poison screwing with my insides.
The spasm that shook my body whilst the medics were setting up has left me weak and scared. The mere prospect that I could be anywhere, at anytime, when I loose it is a frightening one. I could be driving; I could have Jake in the car! I have to get this thing out of me, now. Before I hurt anyone. Before my body 'malfunctions' and can't be fixed.
Lost in my thoughts I don't hear him come in to the room they have me put aside in, but instead smell the strong aroma of the coffee he has been drinking as he places a kiss on my cheek.
"How you doing?" He sits down in the chair next to my bed and places one hand on my arm and the other he tucks between his chest and the arm resting on mine.
"I've been better" I answer, shocked at just how rough my voice sounds. It's then that I look at Jack. I mean really look at him. Dark shadows silhouette his eyes, a light dusting of stubble rests on his chin, and he looks pale and weary. I can't do this to him. As much as I need him, he needs to rest.
"Jack, go home." I'm saying it before I even think it, but I know that that's what he needs to do right now.
"What? I can't. You need me!" he says casually
"As much as that's true, I think these guys have got it under control," I tilt my head indicating the starf in the infirmary, "besides, Teal'c has been spending way to much time with our son lately! I'm worried he'll teach him how to Kal'na'reem and speak goa'uld before he's even learnt to sit up by himself! Then there's the star wars issue!"
I could have gone down the 'you need to rest too' root, but that one never works on him... unless he falls flat on his face, and Teal'c has to pick him up.
" Enough said! Are you sure your gonna be ok?" He asks, standing up. I nod and give a small smile. "Ok. Do you need anything from home?"
"Toothbrush would be nice. Oh, and some real pyjamas!"
"Ok, I'll bring them in tomorrow." He looks at me with a concerned look, and then kisses me, and gives my hand a finale squeeze, whispering a goodbye and take care under his breath before heading for the exit.
~X~
PART 9: Daylight, come?
"When you come to the end of all the light you know, And it's time to step into the darkness of the unknown, Faith is knowing that two things shall happen: Either you will be given something solid to stand on, Or you will be taught to fly."
--Edward Teller
TWO WEEKS LATER
It's been two weeks of hell. There were one or two moments I didn't think I'd make it. I was lucky not to suffer brain damage when my heart stopped for a good 3 minutes earlier this week. Jack can't help but check in on me every half an hour, just to make sure I'm still breathing!
We've tried to contact P4X-697, the planet where this all started. The chevrons won't lock, and there's nothing wrong our end. I think either something has happened, or they've purposely buried the gate. Janet has been trying to find a cure, but she really needed some samples of the poison, and we can't get those.
She has run so many tests on me now, that I'm covered in bruises and tiny holes. The tests keep showing mutations, each molecule taking on different characteristics for different organs. It's almost designed to evaluate and destroy. That's why my own immune system can't fight it.
Time is running out now. I can't afford to wait for Janet to find a cure, something has to be done. That's why General Hammond has given the order for the Tok'ra to be contacted. They may be able to do something. They have someone coming as soon as they can spear them.
I pray they come soon.
I don't say anything, especially not to Jack, but the pain, it's almost unbearable. Janet gives me morphine shots, but the relief is minimal and brief. My body seems to be aching all the time, and the tests; scans, blood tests, even a lumber puncture, have all left my body sore from the torment.
I don't know much about this toxin, but I do know that I can't take much more of this. I think... I think it's going to kill me.
"It's working, but the poison is advanced. This may take a while." The tok'ra, who finally arrived early the next morning says as he holds the healing device over me, and it's yellow glow washes over my body. I can feel it working already, healing the bruises and aches as well as cleaning out my insides. Suddenly I find it's easier to breath. My lungs don't hurt as they did only a short time ago.
It took half an hour for the healing device to work it's magic. More tests indicate the poison appears to be fully out of system, and the next day I'm allowed home. General Hammond insisted I take two weeks downtime, despite the fact that the tok'ra healing me has left me feeling fine.
<"You've been though a lot major, give yourself some time to recover, if not physically, mentally."> He argued.
It is nice to have some time off to spend with Jake. I've spent so much time in that infirmary over the last couple of weeks; I've barely seen him. Before he came along, before any of this, I hated downtime, full of fixing the same part of my bike over and over and wishing I was at the cabin with Jack instead.
Coming out of my trance, I put down the bottle I had been drying and poor a little blackcurrant juice in the bottom, topping it up with water before firmly placing the lid on. In the front room I can hear their voices, (Jack and Jake) which get louder as I approach the doorway. When I get there I just stand and watch as they play. Jack is lying on the floor, holding our baby over his head and making airplane noises.
I love watching them together. You can tell, just by looking at them that they adore each other and that there is a bond between them that is already unbreakable.
"Hey, mum, where's my juice?" Jack asks in a babyish voice. I shake of my thoughts and fully enter the room, handing Jack the juice that he takes and feeds to the kid.
I sit on the floor next to them and run my hand over Jacob's head, and then over my husbands in the same fashion. I smile as I notice all the lines that too many battles have left scared on his face. He wares them well. He's eyes leave our son, and meet mine. The moment takes us somewhere, neither of us sure where, as we realise what we have. Something so special and so strong, and yet we never thought we'd get here.
I take his face in my hands and place a soft kiss on his lips.
I whisper, "I love you" and close my eyes.
"I love you too." He replies, not with words, but with the mare touch of his lips on my skin.
Babies are so funny at 6 months old. All the little facial expressions they learn to master are amazing. Mind-drew, it probably doesn't help that daddy spends a good part of his day teaching our child how to pull all kinds of weird, and sometimes disturbing, faces!
Talking of daddy, I sent him shopping; a job I know he loves which was reflected by his (sarcastic) woo-hoo, as he grabbed his keys and left an hour ago.
Getting back to the job in hand, my legs demand relief and therefore force me to stand, and they ache slightly as the blood that they so missed flows back to them. Crawling around the house on your hands and knees, and only teaching your son to crawl faster so that he can escape your clutches when he needs changing, is not such a good idea when your in the later half of being thirty something.
"Ok, ok, you win! You're the best crawler in this family!" He looks at me with an innocent smile on his face, and I realise what I've said. Family. It's the first time I've called us that. "Family" I say again, the sound playing on my tongue. "Yeah, I like the sound of that."
I bend over to pick Jake up, but I suddenly become dizzy and breathless. Oh god, no. It can't be happening again. It can't. I try to calm myself down and force myself to breath but its no good, my lungs refuse to work.
On the edge of obscurity I realise that Jake is out of his crib and something could happen to him, he could hurt himself. I beg for the strength to just get him to somewhere safe, but its no good, I can't focus and my limbs are weak.
Before I know it everything is black, and I barely register a pain in the back of my head, as I hit the floor.
~X~
PART 10: 3 Times before the cock crows
"I'd gladly swim out to save you, in your sea of broken dreams When all your hopes are sinking
Let me show you what love means."
-The Judds 'Love can build a bridge'.
"It appears that the poison was not completely gone from your system after the tok'ra healed you. Somehow it's regained a hold over you. I'm so sorry Sam." Janet tells me, barely able to look me in the eye.
Jack had come home moments after I passed out, and found me. He says I was in a coma type thing. He brought me straight here.
My heart is in my mouth before she even finishes the sentence, and when she does I am frozen with fear. I know what this means... I know exactly what this means, and I really wish I didn't! I can't say anything, I can't even move. All of a sudden my head is pounding and I feel dizzy. I take a deep breath and reach out and grab the nearest thing, Jacks hand, to steady myself.
"What does that mean? Janet? Sam? Will someone please fill me in here?"
I didn't think! He doesn't know.
"It means, colonel, that Sam's condition will deteriorate..." Hearing the words out loud, and seeing the look on his face is enough to make me shake. I know what's coming next...
"She's going to die." The cold hard truth. No if's, but's, or maybe's, just 'she is going to die.'
Jack's face is pale, and he just looks at me, with this look on his face. I've never seen it before, and I never want to see it again! It's full of pain, like someone had just ripped his heart out and thrown it against the wall.
I cling to his hand, and the rest of my world disappears. My whole body is shaking, and my heart is pounding, and all I can think of is, how in a couple of months, maybe not even that, I'm going to lose him. I'm going to lose him and my son.
We're back at home before I fully awaken from my trance. Jack goes about feeding Jake, carrying on with what needs to be done, whilst I just sit, and watch them. He is so good with Jake; I'm gonna miss that. I'm going to miss watching my son grow up to be a man. I'll miss his life.
After he has put Jake to bed, Jack comes to sit on the sofa next to me. For a moment he doesn't even look at me, then unexpectedly, he puts his arm around me and pulls me towards him, so that my head rests on his shoulder. I move my body closer; desperate to bask in the comfort his strong arms have to offer.
Before anything had sunken in, I was just in a state of shock, and I couldn't think. But now, now I can remember what Janet said to me before we started the treatment.
"Jack?"
"Umm?"
"Jack, you know that I love you, don't you?" I ask, already sure of the answer.
"Of course I know it. And you know that I love you."
"Yeah, I do." I sallow the lump in my throat before saying the hardest and most painful thing I've ever had to say in my life.
"Jack...I want you too leave me." He sits up and turns to look me in the eye.
"WHAT?"
"I want you too take Jacob, and leave me."
"Ok, that's not gonna happen!"
"Please Jack..." I get up and walk to the other side of the room. I can't be close to him when I say this. I have to be strong. It's for the best.
"...I don't want you to see me die! I don't want...I don't want that to be your last memory of me." My voice starts to break, so I take a breath, trying to keep it steady. If I let emotion take over, he'll know that this isn't what I really want. What I want is to not die. But if it's gonna happen, I wont have him nursing me. I love him too much to make him watch me end.
I look up, and see that he is looking at his clasped hands, where my own was once held firmly.
"It's for the best. Janet said that it... its not gonna be pleasant. I don't want you to see th..."
"Sam, shut up!" The forcefulness in his voice takes me by surprise.
"I don't want to hear this. I made a promise to you, not just on our wedding day, but after your father died too. I promised you that I would be there for you. Though thick and thin, whatever happens. Forever. And that promise I intend to keep. I don't care if its not pretty, I never expected it to be! Sam, though out this entire thing, I have never once even considered walking away, so don't you dare think that I am just gonna walk out now!"
"But..."
"NO! I'm not leaving you. That's not who I am. I love you, and I am gonna be here for you right until the very end. "
That's it! I can't fight the emotion anymore. My knees buckle, and before I know it I'm on the floor. Jack sits down next to me and holds me as my eyes fill with unshed tears.
"Why do you put up with me?" I ask, my voice thick, and tears littering my face.
"Ah! You're not that bad. Just a little headstrong sometimes. But you know what they say; a hard headed woman will always bring out the best in a man!"
I laugh a little before leaning into his embrace. His hand run gently up and down my spine, as we just sit together, and the room gets darker as dusk rolls in.
Sleep has been a hard thing to come by lately. Well, good sleep, anyway. I did manage to doze for a while, but it didn't last. Which is why I am now walking round the house in one of Jacks shirts at 4:30 in the morning.
I wander down the corridor, and creep silently into Jakes room. I hadn't wanted to wake him, but I find him already awake, lying there peacefully playing with the mobile that Jonas made him.
"Hey sweet pea. What are you doing awake this time of night? Same as mummy, huh?" I whisper as I pick him up and lightly bounce him in my arms. He mummers in an accusing tune
"I know I know. Give me a break, I can't sleep! At least I tried!" I stroke his head delicately and place a butterfly kiss on his lightly fuzzed-covered head.
"I love you so much Jake. Don't ever forget that. You're my beautiful baby, and no matter where I am, I'm always gonna be looking out for you." I say as I feel the beginnings of tears and a lump in my throat, again! I sallow it, deciding that if one day he does remember this night, which he probably won't, but if he does, he won't remember me crying.
"So...don't you go thinking you can pull a fast one on your dad! No staying out past your curfew, and no drugs! Oh, and no girls until dad says its ok, but you'll have to talk to him about that! You must be a good boy for your daddy, coz he's gonna need you just as much as you need him. I love you." I say again.
He starts to cry, so I carry him to the rocking chair in the corner of the room. It was my mothers. When I was little, if I cried she would sit in the chair, rocking me, and she would sing to me. I can't have been more than a year old, but I remember the song. I start to hum it to my baby, as one day I had hoped I would.
"Hush now baby, hum hum hum, papa's gonna buy you a mocking bird." I start.
"And if that mocking bird don't sing, papa's gonna buy you a diamond ring."
I look up, surprised to hear Jacks voice, as his silueted figure at the door moves further in to kneel on the floor by my chair. He kisses our son's head, and then pays me the same favour.
"Promise me that you'll never let him forget me." I whisper.
"I promise." He says, with argument.
Once he settles down again, I put my baby back to bed, and I do the same, go back to bed.
Sleep does come. My husband's arms and light kisses ensure that it's a safe sleep. I know he will look after me, and in my heart I never expected, nor wanted him to leave me, because I need him, and I think he needs me. I think it makes it easier somehow.
I guess I'll never really understand it, but we have an unspoken bond. We don't leave. No matter what.
~X~
PART 11: ...And my soldier cried.
"The soul would have no rainbow, if the eyes had no tears."
(Jack)
She cried herself to sleep in my arms. God I feel so useless. My strong, brave beautiful wife is lying here with me, with only a fraction of the life she used to have shining from behind her eyes, the very depths of her soul.
I can do nothing. I can't take away the pain; I can't stop what's happening to her. I would give anything to switch places with her, to take this away from her. She doesn't deserve this; she's never done anything wrong!
I begin to pray. There is nothing else I can do.
"God, I'm not usually a praying man, you know that, but I'm desperate. I can't lose her. Please, please...I am begging you. I'll do what ever it takes, but please don't take her away from me." I whisper into the darkness, not even sure if there's anyone out there, or if I'm just talking to myself.
I carry on, regardless.
"I finally found my soul...my home. I can't...." I hold her tighter as the tears start to sting my eyes. One final, "please" is all I can manage before my voice breaks and I lose control completely.
The night fades and around me, and the morning light rushes in to replace the shadows. I stayed awake all night, never daring to fall asleep, in case she needed me, or in case...
I just watch her sleep, the way that we'd stayed up watching Jake, the first night we brought him home from the infirmary.
He needs her. I need her. I know that things aren't gonna get better, and that I will probably end up watching her die, something I never dreamt would happen. I always thought she'd out live me. I wrap my arms around her still sleeping body, and pull her even closer to me, careful not to hurt her. How could she even think I would leave her? That's not how it works. Not when you love someone. The poison has already weakened her, left her fragile and pale. Yet, to me she still looks as amazing as ever.
Sleep finally demands to be had, as I look at the clock and notice that it is 5am. I place a kiss on her head and close my eyes, smiling to myself because I can still see her, even in my dreams.
~X~
Part 12: Sunshine and shadows
Moving on.
"You can shed tears that she's gone
Or you can smile because she lived.
You can close your eyes and pray she'll come back Or can open your eyes and see all that she has left you. Your heart can be empty because you can't see her Or you can be full of the love that you've shared. You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday. You can remember her and only she's gone Or you can cherish her memory and let it live on. You can cry and close your mind
Be empty and turn your back
Or you can do what she'd want
Smile, open your eyes, live and go on."
TWO WEEKS LATER:
The morning has started well. I managed to get a good night's sleep, without the interruption I am beginning to get used too; a muscle spasm or a full out heart-stop-beating moment. Jack enters the room with a tray carrying toast and orange juice. Breakfast in bed.
He's been amazing these last few weeks, well, his been amazing since we meet, but with all that's been going on, he's really made he proud with the way his been holding up. I know I couldn't have done it. But he's strong, so much stronger than he gives himself credit for.
He hands me the tray and takes his place on the bed next to me, legs crossed at the ankles and head propped up on his hand. I think to myself, its ironic that the sunshine fills the room, casting away the night's shadows in all corners except for those of my heart. My heart knows the truth and refuses to let go of that little bit of darkness, no matter how hard I try. The bit that lurks in the nocks and crannies, which aren't already occupied with something far more powerful. Love.
That's why I'm not scared anymore. I know what's going to happen to me, but I also know- I can't really explain it- but I know that everything will work out in the end, I guess I just have this feeling.
I must have been daydreaming, because Jack's voice takes me by surprise.
"Do you have any idea how beautiful you look in the morning?"
I smile and touch his face, answering, "yeah!" in a playful manor. We both laugh, but it passes quickly and we end up resting our heads together.
Eventually I sit back and look at my as yet untouched breakfast, but Jack places his hand beside my face and turn's it gently back to look at him, his fingers running down my cheek and playing on my chin for a moment before falling back to the pillow where they originated from.
I look at him, and without words I can hear everything he is telling me. He's eyes are deep and shine a mixture of love and fear that moves me to the brink of tears. He's eyebrows knit together in a frown that screams concern, confusion and resignation. I know he's frustrated, angry even, that he can't fight this battle, let alone win it. We're used to fighting together. Watching each other's backs. But not this time.
I take a deep breath and desperately try to hold back the tears, but to tell you the truth; I've cried so much lately, they probably wouldn't fall even if I wanted them to.
"I know Jack. It's gonna be ok." I reply to his hearts plea, adding, "I promise" as barely more than a whisper.
He removes the tray from my lap and pulls me into his arms with such a force its feels like his trying to integrate me into his body. That's when I fill his body shaking and hear his cries.
"Sam." He coughs, breaking down in my arms. I swallow the pain of seeing the man I love in pieces, and rock him gently telling him that's it's gonna be ok, and praying that its true.
34 HOURS LATER
(Jack)
"The poison has caused Sam to have a caesura. It stopped her heart. We managed to revive her, but she's in a coma Jack. I've done some scans and... I'm so sorry, but there's brain damaged."
"How bad?"
"Bad. I'm sorry, but I really don't think there's anyway she's going to be able to get over this, the damage is far too severe and has happened in a key area of the brain. And even if she does, we know that it's only a matter of time before something like this happens again. I'm sorry."
She keeps saying that. Unable to speak I just sit and look at my hands, the way I had done when the entity had overtaken her. The resemblance to that moment is eerie.
"Sir?"
I know what she's asking. I knew this was coming, we all did, but that doesn't make it any easier does it? Not when the person you love is plugged in to so many machines, with so many wires and tubes coming out of them that you almost don't recognise them.
I nod my head. I know I have to do this. I can't let her just lay around like this until that shit finishes her off. I kiss her head and whisper; "I'll see you soon, baby. I love you Samantha." And leave, I can't be there when Janet 'flicks the switch'.
A cold rush runs over me in the elevator as I head for the surface, and I know.
She's gone.
And my life will never be the same again.
~X~
Part 13:Weeping Willow
Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on the snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn's rain.
When you awaken in the mornings hush,
I am the swift up lifting rush,
Of quite birds in circled flight.
I am the stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am there, I did not die...
* - Anonymous.
(Jack)
You're gone. I still can't believe it. Everything is different, scary, without you. My life feel's so empty now. There's no one to come home to, no one to share my bed, no one to hold at night.
I know that Jake's still here, but it's hard. Every time I look at him, all I see is you. I'm trying not to, but I can't help it, being with him just reminds me of everything I've lost. Reminds me that I'm alone now.
The funeral was yesterday. I had you buried under the willow tree by the river that runs though the bottom of the garden. I know that you loved sitting out there. Especially when you were pregnant.
I stand at the kitchen window and look out at where you lay, and cup of coffee in my hand, and a shadow over my heart. Lost in a sea of memories and pain, but a cry awakens me from my thoughts.
"Colonel? Jake needs he's dad." Janet says, suddenly standing behind me carrying my son, whose crying his eyes out, but I can't, I can't look at him.
"Jack, I know its hard, but please, just think about what Sam would have wanted."
Sam. I miss her. I want her back.
"Jack!" She shouts, loosing her control. Jacob's cries continue as she struggles to keep her grip on his wriggling body.
"Look, I know you miss her and I know you loved her. Jacob loved her too. He's just lost his mum, and he doesn't know why she's suddenly not here anymore. All he wants is a cuddle from someone he knows, someone he loves, who's going though the same thing. He wants is he's daddy."
I guess she's right. I just feel so...numb. But he's lost her too and I can't leave him to deal with this alone. He doesn't know what's going on, and it's not his fault. Sam would be so mad at me if she knew I couldn't even look at our son. I made a promise to her, and I have to keep it. I turn around and put my cup down, hesitating slightly about taking him from her, but Janet all but throws him into my arms. I hold him close to my chest and almost immediately he stops crying, left only with the after sobs that children get when they've been crying their hearts out.
Janet gives an approving nod and leaves.
I look at my son, still in my arms, and I see Sam, as I knew I would. But this time it doesn't kill me. It reminds me in a good way. I haven't lost her completely, not really. I'll always have a part of her, in my heart and in our son. He's at least half made of her. He's like her legacy, something she's left behind for me. A living memorial of the love we shared.
I look back to the bottom of the garden and smile as a single white dove takes to flight from the lowest branch of the willow tree, and soars into the setting sun.
"Bye Sam." I whisper, before turning away and living my life, sure of one thing. Jacob O'Neill will never forget his mother.
EPILOGUE
And so it goes. A love that will never die, never end. A love that will survive eternity.
They part now but only for a short time. They will see each other again, she knows it and he knows it. After all, farewells are necessary before you can meet again.
Destiny can be a strange thing. It brought them together, late and only for a short time, but that time was magical, and it gave them something amazing. A child.
Some people believe that we are here to serve a purpose, and when that purpose has been fulfilled, we are called home. Well, maybe Sam's purpose-destiny- was Jack. Maybe Jack was a means of getting too Jacob. Maybe Jacob is about giving Jack a second chance, to prove that he is a good dad. I guess well never now, but I am sure of something. Fate always has its reasons, even if it doesn't show them to you.
Jack did as he promised he would do. He brought their son up, to be a fine young man. And tonight, 30 years later, a light fills his body as he soars into the sky and into her waiting arms. And as they hold each other, they know. They'll never part again.
~THE END~
WOW! Never thought I'd see the end when I started this, but here it is. Hope you enjoyed the story, and ending isn't too bad! I know it was a tearjerker, but a good cry is nice sometimes...right? Feel free to let me know what you thought. I love getting feedback. Well, until next time! Bye-bye.
If you enjoyed this story, please send feedback to Jackiwi