Situation Analysis
Situation Analysis
by Jack ONeill
Summary: Colonel O'Neill takes up some rather odd research into Major. Carter's past love interests in a special project of his.
Category: Humor
Episode Related: 105 First Commandment, 116 Enigma, 405 Divide and Conquer, 416 2010, 503 Ascension, 510 2001
Season: future Season
Pairing: Jack/Sam, Sam/Martouf, Sam/other
Rating: PG
Warnings: minor language
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author(s).
Archived on: 09/02/03
Author's Notes: This is a silly fic I came up with out of the blue when I should be studying for exams. Thanks to Karrie for inspiring me and helping me with the darn title for the fic!
"WHAT?!"
"Yeah, Jack! Sam's dating some guy....Teal'c what's his name?"
"I believe it to be, Pete Shannon Dr. Jackson."
"Oh yeah. See! She's dating."
"Crap, why didn't you tell me?! Where did I put that damn stopwatch? God Damn!"
"Em, Jack - your watch has a stopwatch feature!"
"No I need one for a larger scale"
"O'Neill, what is it you endeavour to achieve?"
"Oh, you'll see, Teal'c my boy - you'll see"
Col. O'Neill dashed off to the nearest lab searching out sheets of graph paper and finally finding a stopwatch that was satisfactorily suited to it requirement. He took off with them to his quarters.
He started the stopwatch and started work on the graphic representation for the results of his 'project'.
14 months later
"Dr. Jackson, O'Neill has requested us to join him for a mission briefing in his quarters"
"In his quarters? A mission briefing? We are on downtime as of tomorrow, Teal'c! No missions!"
"O'Neill assures me that it shall not take long, Dr. Jackson."
"Well I was hoping to have this inscription translated by 8 but I suppose I could. Is Sam coming?"
"Major. Carter has already left the base."
"So it's a mission briefing without Sam? Teal'c what's going on?!"
"I am as confused as you, Dr. Jackson"
Col. O'Neill was setting up the final steps of his presentation. He had managed to obtain a projector and screen from one of the physics labs, heck - it'd be just sitting there, who needs permission? He'll put it right back and bobs your uncle, no one knows what hit them! He heard Daniel and Teal'c approaching. Ahh, sounds like Daniel is his old confused self. He quickly plugged in his laptop with the little doohickey going from this little hole in his laptop to the corresponding hole in the projector. He switched on the laptop and no appearance on the screen. He started banging the side of the projector.
"Look if I can see this little multicoloured window thingy on this little screen - it should be coming up on you,. Big brother - come on!!"
"Emm..Jack?"
Col. O'Neill spun round to face Daniel and Teal'c.
"Daniel!"
"Yeah, Jack it helps if you do this."
Daniel swiftly bent down and clicked the mains switch.
"Ahhh....I emm...Anyway,"
"Jack, what is this all about, eh? I mean a mission briefing? Before downtime? Without Sam?"
"Daniel! You'll find out, yes, yes and yes."
"Huh?"
"I'm answering each question, you'll find out what this is all about, yes its a mission briefing, yes its before downtime and yes - without Carter!"
"I believe we should begin O'Neill"
"Yes, well said big guy. Now you, Daniel just sit down, shut up and pay attention!"
Col. O'Neill began searching for the correct file on the computer...
"Em, 2 secs here guys!"
Approximately 1 min 53 seconds later and with Teal'c's help, he had successfully found and loaded power points "Black Widow Curse doc"
"Jack?"
"Will you just keep that little linguistic, inquisitive mouth shut for a few minutes! Sheesh with you its all now, now, now, gimme, gimme, gimme! I'm going as fast as I can and you demanding is doing nothing but hinder the answer you oh so crave!"
"Sorry."
"Apology accepted, moving on"
Col. O'Neill placed the laptop on a near by desk and clicked the mouse button which subsequently brought up the title, 'Aims'.
"Ok kids, I have been conducting some personal research for the last 13 months and 24 days. My aim was to,"
Words slid into place under aims to read: Investigate the nature of Major. Carter's past relationships.
"Jack? Is this moral?"
"Daniel, for crying out loud, will you please...."
"...shutting up now Jack"
The next aim slid across the screen: Investigate positive results.
"Thank you, now I have found that in the last 7 years she has had a relationship with 6 people"
"6? O'Neill, I only recall 5"
"Teal'c?!"
"Danny!! Yeah Teal'c, that stalker boy, Orlin counts."
"Ah yes, 6. Carry on, O'Neill"
Another tap of the mouse and another screen, entitled, 'The Guys'. Col. O'Neill tapped the mouse again and the name 'Jonas' appeared under title.
"Ok, so first there was Jonas, now he's kind of a loose stone in this one because she'd dumped the chump but anyway, we went to that planet, P.... - you know the one with Jonas believing he was God and then..."
Col. O'Neill registered the nodding of both Daniel and Teal'c's head and decided there was no need to continue trying to explain.
"Well anyway, those natives weren't too pleased with their fake God and so bubye Jonas, chump number one down!"
Another tap of the mouse scored out 'Jonas' and underneath appeared, 'Nareem'
"Now this guy, as we saw, was more than just a weirdo, he had an obsession with Major. Carter. He had his little talking house doohickey speak in her voice for crying out loud! So anyway, there was a relationship unfolding there, but Nareem was on that planet as it exploded all to hell so he's, shall we say, MIA."
Col. O'Neill tapped the mouse and 'Nareem' was scored out and 'Martouf' appeared.
"Now this is where it gets more interesting. Now that snake, Jolinar that Carter had the pleasure of meeting was mate to Marty and there was this little attraction thing going on that you'd have to be blind to miss! But what happened to old Marty boy, well after slipping through the process, not to mention Carter and I throwing them off the scent, and we won't go into that! It was discovered he was the Zartacy thingy and tried to kill the room. And what happened there? Not only did Marty die - he was actually killed by yours truly - Samantha Carter!"
O'Neill enthusiastically tapped the mouse once again, scoring out 'Martouf' and 'Orlin' appearing underneath.
"Now, what's a woman to do, 3 down in the relationship history so far - does she try again? Nope she waits for stalker boy to settle in. The darn right dirty little ascended devil, god they're so alike..."
Jack took a second to register the disgust on Daniel's face before continuing.
"He goes and stalks Carter before winning her heart, then the little DIY expert MacGyvers up some Stargate in her basement and scrams."
He tapped the mouse button again.
"Bringing us to Joe. You all remember Joe! I don't know about this guy, he seemed like the real deal to me - hell I could really see him and Carter actually hooking up! But no, he ends up being stranded as he attempted to apparently 'save our planet' and allow time for Carter to get free. Which brings us full circle to..."
He tapped the mouse again,
"Pete Shannon. Now this is the guy! He had that little set back when admittedly we thought the black curse was still upon her but he pulled through. This guy lasted 13 months and 22 days with only one set back of which he survived"
Teal'c and Daniel were appearing more and more confused. They didn't fully understand why Jack was so enthusiastic over the long-term relationship Sam had with Pete, when it appeared that Jack was fuming over her having any relationship!
"Now this graph..."
Another click of the mouse brought up a detailed Graph.
"...Represents this relationship with Pete. On the Y axis we have 'State of Health' and on the X-axis we have 'week number with Carter'"
Daniel appeared no less than shocked with the work and energy put into this piece and especially his attention to the graph.
"Now obviously we have this fall fairly early on into the relationship but we see that after a recovery, hold on..."
Jack fumbled around in his pockets finally finding what he was looking for, a pen.
"Ah, here it is - look this is sweet, check it out."
Jack pulled on the end of the pen, which opened rather like an aerial to produce a metal pointer.
"Cool or what? Found it in Carter's lab. Anyway, as you can see there's a large dip in the graph after that incident but following that there was a fairly good recovery time and then a progressive state of well being following that, with only mild falls due to a cold and a case of laryngitis"
O'Neill clicked the mouse and the graph disappeared being replaced with the words, 'It's safe'.
"And that concludes it, kids"
There was a moment of silence before 'guess who' broke it,
"Emm, Jack? Concludes what?"
"The presentation!"
"That's it? You called us here to talk about Sam's relationships?"
"No I called you hear to tell you I plan to uptake the mission now!"
"Huh?"
"Well its safe to do so now!"
"Its safe to do so? Jack, what are you talking about?"
"Well now I believe the curse is broken!"
"I believe that Colonel O'Neill is trying to say that he deems it now safe to pair with Major. Carter"
"WHAT?"
"Well, it looks like the curse is lifted."
"But, Jack! The Regulations!"
"Ahh hell you think I've avoided the issue because of regulations? Contrary to what you may have thought way back when, I've avoided the issue because quite frankly - I don't want to die....anymore...well...Yeah!"
"Jack, I'm still unsure."
"As am I, O'Neill"
"What? Look guys I've been researching this - it's finally an option."
"I do not believe so, O'Neill I still believe it carries some degree of risk."
"Oh for crying out l..."
"No, Jack listen, you just confirmed the why nots!"
"I did not! I..."
"Hell, Jack - she killed one of them herself!"
"But she was..."
"Jack, look - no buts here! You think Sam is safe? Are you insane?"
"Yes O'Neill - insane, bonzo, no longer in posses...."
"RIGHT Sheesh Teal'c I get it!"
"Basically, Jack - if you want to be forced out, stranded on another planet, die to save her, be killed by her or maybe get the nice option and suffer a critical injury/disease - then I suggest you go right on ahead!"
"Oh come on, Danny. When you put it like that its..."
"THE TRUTH JACK!"
"Dr. Jackson is correct, I believe it is right for friends to intervene in such matters O'Neill. We are giving you fair and just warning."
"Look I know what you're trying to say but...I...I...I just don't want to accept that!"
"Look, Jack its been 7 years already - you'll get over it." Daniel draped his arm around Jack's shoulders in an attempt to comfort his friend. "And anyway, remember that artefact I found just before I got my stupid ass kidnapped?"
"Yeah that little box thingy."
"Ok, did you listen to a word I said on that debriefing?"
"Hmm...well....Ok, no I didn't!"
"Well I think I've figured it out, its like an advanced sarcophagus."
"Oh, right! Em...fascinating, Daniel....Why the hell are you telling me this?"
"Well, Jack. When I say advanced Sarcophagus I mean it's capable of resurrection!"
"You what?"
"Yup - and I think we all want to hear the pattering of tiny feet!"
"Janet!"
"Yup - hey no matter what, she'll definitely need to be free and single then, eh?"
"Oh yeah! Good point! Doctor - lets go get back a Doctor!"
Hey - thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed it.
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