His salvation
His salvation
by J Schrodinger
Title: His salvation
Author: J Schrodinger
Email: schrodie2002@yahoo.com
Category: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, MissingScene/Epilogue
Episode related: 215 A Matter of Time, 317 A hundred days, 606 Abyss
Season: Season 6
Pairing: Sam/Jack
Rating: PG
Warnings: violence
Summary: Jack struggles to come to terms with the events in Abyss
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author(s).
Jack sat out on the deck, the radio playing softly next to him. The weather was turning cold, but the walls closed in on him now whenever he was inside alone. He'd started back on light duties a few days before and had hoped that the activity would distract him from recent events, but he was beginning to accept that he had been deluding himself.
He had tried all week not to think about it. Tried to get back in the saddle and just keep going. Same as he always did. Accept what you can't change, learn to live with it - that had always been his approach to the nightmares of his life. Twice before he'd come close to failing. Twice before he's been rescued from the abyss by people who cared. Both those people were gone now. Both lost to him in different ways. So who would pull him back now?
Oh, Daniel had kept him away from the edge in Ba'al's fortress - Jack knew without a shadow of a doubt that had Daniel not been there he would have been too far over the edge to ever make it back to safety. The shadow of despair began to creep suddenly back into his soul and Jack fought it back, afraid of its power over him. Daniel was no longer there, so what now? Nothing was working. He was still plagued with nightmares and found himself constantly battling against the waves of exhaustion and the pounding and often debilitating headaches that had become his constant companions. He functioned. He went through the motions of life and tried to ignore the ever present looks of concern from the rest of his team, from the Doc, from Hammond. He knew he was fooling no-one, but they, like him, seemed at a loss as how to win this battle, so they let him pretend.
Mackenzie tried. Jack snowed him. Gave him the answers he expected to hear. Just enough, never too much. Mackenzie wasn't fooled either. Jack had never told him about Daniel. He hadn't told anyone that he had asked both Daniel and Ba'al to end it. Hell, he'd begged. He'd pleaded with Ba'al to stop, he'd screamed, he'd cried and then worst of all, he'd given up. He had been ready to tell Ba'al everything. He had been ready to deliver the girl to Ba'al on a platter. To condemn her to hell to save himself. To push her over the edge of the abyss so that he could finally find the bottom and cease to be. And that was who he was. Not someone who would never concede, who would never give in to the enemy no matter what. Not Jack O'Neill. At least not the Jack O'Neill he had always believed himself to be.
He had submitted himself to the care of his friends for a while after his return. He had not been blind to Carter's bloodshot eyes and the occasional wiping away of tears that she had striven so hard to conceal from him. Nor had he missed the subtle glances of concern passing between Hammond and the Doc or the understanding look in Teal'c's eyes. He had even been painfully aware of Jonas' efforts to make himself available without getting in the way. He had accepted all of this until he felt suffocated, stifled by a concern that he felt he did not deserve and then he had fled. He hadn't just given up on himself, he had given up on them. Just like on Edora. And just like on Edora, they had come through for him. Just like they always did. And knowing this left him crippled with guilt. If they could see inside of him, if they could see the shame that he carried within his soul, then they would know how little he deserved their sympathy and concern.
Jack sighed heavily and with a shaky hand, brushed the moisture from his eyes. He felt the increasingly familiar paralysis grow in his mind. For a while after his return it had eased, but it had begun gradually to gain ground again. No escape. In Iraq, at least death had been an option, after Charlie, still an option - one he had ultimately chosen not to cash in. Ba'al had taken that option away from him. Too distressed to want to live and yet, not able to die, at least not permanently. Jack trembled as he remembered the knife piercing his heart and his body going into shock. He remembered his sense of panic and his futile efforts to draw breath. He remembered his fear. He had wanted to die. And yet, ironically, he now felt more afraid of death than he had ever been. He didn't know how to live, but the option of oblivion was no more available to him now than it had been at Ba'al's hands. His breath caught in his throat. Trapped. Still trapped. Only this was a prison of his own making, but one he felt just as powerless to escape from.
"God!" The word escaped from Jack's mouth as he rose from his seat, shaking, needing to move, even knowing that there was nowhere to go. He stood, paralyzed in thought and action.
"Colonel?"
Jack started and reflexively, turned towards the voice. And there she was. His salvation. And he was terrified.
"Carter?" he managed to croak out.
"Hey", came the quiet response. Then an awkward silence. Sam watched him, concern evident in her eyes and suddenly Jack felt an inexplicable anger rise in him.
"Stop it, Carter, ok?"
"Stop what?" Sam queried, confused by his anger.
"Stop looking at me like that", he hissed at her, feeling more and more trapped by her concern for him.
"Sir?" she questioned gently, as she approached him and touched his arm lightly.
"Don't", he half begged, half ordered, and throwing her hand off, he fled into the house. She followed him and grabbed his arm firmly as they entered his lounge, stopping him in his tracks. "Sir?"
"Let go Carter". Jack was trembling. He needed her. God, he needed her, but if she knew, if she knew everything.. He would rather walk back into Ba'al's fortress and hand himself over than see the disappointment on her face.
"No". She was determined now, meeting his frightened gaze and refusing to back down. She tightened her grip and moved closer.
"Don't", he whispered, " I can't.." and in that moment she pulled him into her arms. Jack froze. And then he heard her voice, echoing sweetly in his ear. "It's ok. You're safe now. You can let go". He wanted to believe her, he wanted to sink into her arms and let her take care of everything. But then he remembered. "I can't" he whispered "I gave up, Sam, I gave up" and he waited for her to withdraw, for the temporary warmth to leave him and his heart almost broke when she pulled away. Only she was still there and he found himself looking into eyes that were filled only with acceptance and love and then the words reached him, "I know. It's ok". As she pulled him into her arms again, he sank into the warmth and comfort and let go of his grief.
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