Trepidation of the Spheres
Trepidation of the Spheres
by Isabelle Ashe
Summary: Instead of ceasing to exist after 2010, Janet inexplicably finds herself in an alternate universe.
Category: Alternate Universe, Angst, Romance
Episode Related: 416 2010
Season: any Season
Pairing: Daniel/Janet
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: adult themes, minor language
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author(s).
Archived on: 01/25/04
//A Valediction: Forbidding Mourning John Donne
As virtuous men pass mildly away, And whisper to their souls to go, Whilst some of their sad friends do say, 'The breath goes now,' and some say, 'No,'
So let us melt, and make no noise, No tear-floods, nor sigh-tempests move; 'Twere profanation of our joys To tell the laity our love.
Moving of the earth brings harms and fears, Men reckon what it did and meant; But trepidation of the spheres, Though greater far, is innocent.
Dull sublunary lovers' love (Whose soul is sense) cannot admit Absence, because it doth remove Those things which elemented it.
But we, by a love so much refined That our selves know not what it is, Inter-assured of the mind, Care less, eyes, lips, and hands to miss.
Our two souls, therefore, which are one, Though I must go, endure not yet A breach, but an expansion. Like gold to airy thinness beat.
If they be two, they are two so As stiff twin compasses are two: Thy soul, the fixed foot, makes no show To move, but doth, if the other do;
And though it in the center sit, Yet when the other far doth roam, It leans, and hearkens after it, And grows erect, as that comes home.
Such wilt thou be to me, who must, Like the other foot, obliquely run; Thy firmness makes my circle just, And makes me end where I begun. //
*** Our Universe, 2010
Janet focused on the chevrons engaging in front of her. Don't look back again, she repeated to herself, knowing that catching Daniel's eye for another moment would make her lose her nerve. Her lips still tingled with his final kiss, and their last conversation still rang in her ears.
"I wish it didn't have to be this way," she had murmured into his chest.
"Maybe we're giving our former selves a second chance. Hopefully they'll get their act together sooner than we did."
"I love you." The first and last time she said it to him.
"I love you, too."
The seventh chevron engaged, and the gate kawhooshed to life. Focusing on the task before her, their only chance to change the past, she walked steadfastly ahead.
*** Alternative Universe, 2010
"Unauthorized Incoming Traveler." General Hammond sighed loudly as he heard the words over the PA. He pulled himself up from his desk to see what the matter was. Due to a political schmoozing event the day before, none of his teams were off-world at the moment, and he couldn't imagine who would be incoming.
"Who is it?" he asked the technician.
"Um, there's no iris code, sir, but the coordinates are from Chulak." General Hammond sighed again, considering quickly what he should do as he heard the footsteps of his 2IC approaching.
"What's going on, sir?" asked Colonel Carter as she peered at the screen.
"Incoming traveler from Chulak, Colonel. No code."
"Ry'ac?" she asked doubtfully. Surely he wouldn't have lost his GDO.
The General shook his head, but his gut told him to let the traveler through. He'd have a hard time explaining this later if it turned out to be Anubis.
"Airmen, stand by. Open the iris," he ordered.
"Sir?" inquired Carter.
Hammond just shrugged. "My instinct says it's okay," he told her. She nodded, evidently agreeing. He was definitely getting too old for this, but he had been told in no uncertain terms that the powers that be just didn't consider Carter experienced enough yet to be promoted to General and put in charge of the SGC. Since O'Neill's retirement, there was no one else Hammond would trust with the job, so he was determined to stay on until he could pass command to Carter.
They both turned their attention to the open iris and the exposed wormhole. Half a dozen soldiers stood with automatic weapons trained on it, and Hammond could hear footsteps behind him as more personnel gathered to watch. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Dr. Tharp and his medical team standing by. A moment later, a lone figure stepped through the gate.
"Oh my god!" gasped Carter. Hammond blinked twice to make sure his eyes weren't failing him.
"Drop your weapons and identify yourself!" barked one of the machine gun-toting airmen. The traveler stared around her in shock and confusion. When she didn't respond, the airman repeated his order in what was designed to be a more menacing tone; he, however, looked as though he were seeing a ghost.
"I don't have any weapons," said the traveler after a hesitation. "And I thought you would know who I am: Major Doctor Janet Fraiser, formerly of the SGC."
"Impossible!" breathed a voice behind Carter. She was inclined to agree; Janet had been killed in action almost two months ago right in front of her eyes, yet here she was standing in the gate room. Her brain began to churn for a way to explain this.
"Alternate universe!" she exclaimed. Hammond turned to look at her with vague confusion. "She must be from an alternate universe, sir," Carter explained. "Remember ten or twelve years ago when Daniel accidentally went through that quantum mirror? Maybe she did the same thing." Hammond nodded.
"Airmen, stand down." They lowered their weapons. "Dr. Fraiser, I'm ordering you to the infirmary to make sure you're not a threat to my base, but first, can you please explain yourself?"
Janet stared around her, sure she was suffering from sensory overload. It was the SGC, more or less as it had been ten years ago, before it had been disbanded, before the Aschen. Yet it was different, as well. As the airmen lowered the guns they had trained on her, several figures approached her. The first she recognized immediately as General Hammond, though her brain had trouble processing the information that he was alive and walking toward her. He looked considerably older than she remembered him. On his heels was Sam, and Janet's momentary relief at seeing her wavered as she saw the shocked and dubious look on her friend's face.
"Dr. Fraiser?" prompted the General. Explain herself? Janet couldn't figure out what in the world was going on.
"Uh, I don't have any idea how I got here. Or where here is, exactly. The SGC hasn't looked like this for years. And, Sir, you, uh, died of a heart attack a couple of years ago. Unless-oh, God, what if we changed the past and this is what happened. Have you ever heard of the Aschen? Or P4C-970?" Sam and the General continued to look confused.
"Janet, we're guessing you came from an alternate universe," broke in Sam, her voice shaking slightly. "Do you remember a quantum mirror or anything like that?" Janet replayed the past few hours in her head.
"No, nothing like that," she answered slowly. "We were trying to save Earth. We had to send a note back in time to warn our former selves not to visit a certain planet. Sam-uh, the other Sam, I guess-theorized that if we were successful we would cease to exist and our former selves would just continue from the point at which we received the note. That would have been 2001, if everything worked out right. I went to Chulak to get Teal'c, and I was just standing near their Stargate, and suddenly I was in a wormhole and ended up here. I have no idea what's going on." As she spoke, she felt her emotions rising, and she struggled to keep the blind panic out of her voice. She had convinced herself that she was ready to cease to exist, but never in her wildest imaginings had she expected to end up in another universe where things were quite possibly "off" enough to be irritating. And, of course, instead of being quickly and hopefully painlessly obliterated, she would die here of entropic cascade failure within a couple of days.
General Hammond studied her with a concerned expression and then motioned with one hand. "Dr. Tharp," he said to the man who approached, "please take, uh, Dr. Fraiser to the infirmary." The doctor looked vaguely familiar-perhaps five or eight years younger than herself, attractive, African-American-but Janet couldn't quite place him.
"Who are you?" she asked. He looked alarmed at her question.
"Dr. Steven Tharp. I'm the CMO here now."
Janet digested that information for a moment. "What about me? I mean, the me of this universe." All three of her auditors glanced at each other and then at the floor. Finally, Sam spoke.
"Janet, you were, I mean, our Janet was killed in action about two months ago."
*** Trepidation of the Spheres, Part 2 ***
General Hammond watched as Janet followed Dr. Tharp and a couple of nurses out of the gate room. He then turned around to face Colonel Carter and one of the other members of SG-1, Jonas Quinn. "Where are Jack and Daniel?" he asked.
"Jack should be back any time," answered Carter. "He was just taking those senators back to the airport." As if on cue, Jack O'Neill strolled briskly into the gate room. Even in his reduced capacity as civilian consultant, everyone still thought of him as "the Colonel," though he would almost refuse to answer to his former title.
"What's going on?" he demanded. "This place is going nuts. I thought I heard someone say that Fraiser just walked through the Stargate."
"Uh, yeah, she did," answered Sam.
"What!!"
"We think she's from an alternate universe. She said she was supposed to alter the past and cease to exist but somehow ended up here instead. I haven't quite worked out the physics of it yet."
"Janet Fraiser?" Jack looked dumbfounded.
"Not the same Janet Fraiser that was killed in August," Sam cautioned. "But another version of her, yes."
"Does Danny know?"
Sam swallowed and shook her head. "He had to leave early. Something about his babysitter being sick."
"Well, somebody get him back here," ordered the General. "Tell him it's urgent, but don't break the news over the phone."
"I'll go call him," Jack volunteered, though he didn't sound particularly eager.
"Okay," agreed Hammond. "Jonas, go start reading up on alternate universes. We haven't run into one in quite a few years, so I'm not sure what we are going to be able to do about this. Colonel, why don't you and I go down to the infirmary and check on our newest patient."
*** Steven Tharp remained fairly quiet while he poked, prodded, and x-rayed Janet. He was suffering a kind of dull shock; the last time he had seen her, she was coding on his operating table. She had died the moment the staff blast hit her, he knew, but they brought her back through the gate, and he and the staff worked frantically but futilely for the better part of an hour before finally admitting defeat. Not the same Janet, he reminded himself as he observed the nervous-looking woman before him. This woman's hair was longer, and she was probably ten or fifteen pounds lighter than their Janet. He heard footsteps in the doorway and turned to find Hammond and Carter hovering. He wasn't surprised to see them.
"General, Colonel," he said in greeting.
"How is our patient?" Hammond asked. Always the same question, no matter who the patient is, thought both Steven and Janet.
"Well, I'll need to run the blood work before I can clear her, but her x-rays are clean, and she appears to be in fine health."
"You're a Colonel now? I mean, here?" broke in Janet. Now that she was adjusting to the initial shock of the situation, she was struggling to place everyone in this alternate SGC.
Sam grinned slightly. "Uh, yeah. I was promoted about four years ago."
"What about Colonel O'Neill?" His absence in the gate room earlier had been conspicuous to Janet. And of course, Daniel had also been missing, but just the thought of him gave Janet a brief pang of longing, so she didn't quite trust herself to bring him up.
"I'm sure he'll be down here in a few minutes. He's retired now, but he still hangs around as civilian consultant and basic pain in the ass," Sam answered fondly. "He pretty much shattered his knee on a mission, and even with reconstructive surgery had to be taken off a combat unit. He decided to retire, and I got promoted at the same time." The slight blush on Sam's face gave Janet hope that this universe's Jack and Sam had managed to realize their feelings in a way that her friends never had.
*** Daniel Jackson herded his three-year-old son toward the elevator that would take them down into the bowels of Cheyenne Mountain. Initially he had been frustrated about leaving work early to pick up his son because Mrs. Lynch, the babysitter, had a doctor's appointment. Now he was frustrated at being called back in as he was in the middle of getting dinner ready. He had a vague sense that commissary food was unhealthy for Nick, but probably no worse in the long run than his own cooking.
"Can I play with Aunt Sam?" asked Nick as the elevator descended. Daniel considered the question for a moment. Jack had sounded fairly serious on the phone; he said it was urgent and important.
"Aunt Sam may be busy. We'll see if Uncle Steven is busy, though. Or maybe one of the nurses wouldn't mind hanging out with you, okay?"
*** Not long after Jack arrived in the infirmary and proceeded to stare at her in shock-Janet was learning that shock was the standard reaction-Dr. Tharp pronounced her free to roam about the base. General Hammond had ordered them all to his office for a briefing, and as Janet followed Sam and Jack out of the infirmary, she overheard part of their quiet conversation.
"Did you get hold of him on the phone?" Sam was asking.
"Yeah, he sounded kind of pissed, but he said he'd be here. We should warn him before he sees her, though."
"We should tell her, too."
"I hate to eavesdrop, guys," interrupted Janet, "but tell me what?" Sam and Jack exchanged a worried look.
"Um, it's about Daniel," began Sam. At that moment, she was interrupted by voices coming from just around the corner by the elevator.
"C'mon, Daddy!"
"Nicholas Fraiser Jackson, what have I told you about running around here." Sam's instincts kicked into full battle mode, and she grabbed Jack's arm as she moved in front of Janet, trying to prevent the inevitable. Sam and Jack stared at each other in a panic as little Nick came careening around the corner, Daniel close on his heels.
"Oh, shit!" whispered Jack.
"MOMMY!!!!" shrieked Nick, and after pausing a moment, he hurtled himself at Janet's legs.
"Oh, shit!" repeated Jack. He watched as all color drained from Daniel's face as he stared at Janet. The younger man's mouth began to move as if he was trying to say something, but no sound was coming out. Jack heard Sam trying to get Nick's attention, trying to explain that this wasn't his mommy even though she looked like her. Nick wasn't having any of it and clung tenaciously to Janet, whose eyes were rapidly flitting between the man opposite her and the boy trying to climb up her legs.
"J-janet?" Daniel finally managed to croak. He took a halting step forward as Jack grabbed his arm to steady him.
"Not your Janet, Danny," Jack said quietly. "She's from an alternate universe, we think. She came through the gate a little bit ago." He couldn't tell if Daniel was completely processing what he said, but from the way his face fell at the words "not your Janet," Jack was pretty sure he got that part at least.
Sam couldn't hear what Jack was saying to Daniel, but she could definitely see that Daniel was in shock. Turning to Janet, she decided she didn't look much better. Nick was growing increasingly upset that his "mommy" didn't seem overjoyed to see him, and he wasn't at all interested in listening to Aunt Sam. As if on autopilot, Janet scooped up the boy and tried to soothe him. Sam watched in amazement as he calmed immediately, burying his face in Janet's neck and continuing to repeat the word "mommy" over and over. A wide-eyed and pale Janet looked at her questioningly.
"Um, our Janet was married to Daniel," she explained. "Nick is their son."
Janet nodded. The pieces were falling in place, though her brain was reeling so much that she couldn't process what was happening. Married to Daniel. With a son-this boy clinging onto her for dear life. It's not me, she reminded herself. Some other woman who is dead-me, but not me. Suddenly she was aware of Daniel coming toward her.
"I'm sorry about that," he said, gesturing toward Nick. His voice was low and shaking, and his blue eyes were focused intently upon her. "He thinks-- I mean, I didn't know--."
She wasn't sure what to say. "He's okay." Indeed, the boy had stopped crying altogether, though he had not loosened his grip at all.
Jack cleared his throat. "Guys, I think we should get up to that briefing. Maybe we can explain some of this there." Daniel nodded mutely, his eyes never leaving Janet and Nick.
Nick's unhappiness was renewed when he was made to leave his "mommy," but eventually a couple of the nurses bribed him with some candy and promised to keep an eye on him while Daniel was in the meeting.
*** "As best as I can figure-and remember I haven't had much time with this yet-we have a very unusual situation here," explained Jonas Quinn, SG-1's resident genius. Jack rolled his eyes. Duh. Jonas paused for a moment, frowned, and then continued. "The logical solution for a visitor from an alternative universe is to send him or her back as soon as possible in order to avoid the entropic cascade failure that results from the same person existing twice in the same universe. And also because I assume the person would want to go home. The problem with Dr. Fraiser here, is that if she did what she was supposed to do before she left, her universe doesn't exist anymore as she knew it. It would have reverted back ten years or so, in which case an earlier version of her already exists in that universe. So even if we could figure out how to send her back, either she or the earlier version of her in that universe would suffer entropic cascade failure. However, because the Dr. Fraiser of this universe is dead, this Dr. Fraiser could theoretically continue to live here without suffering any physical consequences."
He finished and looked around the table for reactions. Jack's expression had become more interested, and Carter was scribbling on her notepad, evidently double-checking Jonas's theories. Teal'c raised an eyebrow, and Captain Mark Robinson, who had joined SG-1 when Daniel stepped into his present on-world position, kept glancing from Daniel to Janet. The two of them still wore pale, shocked expressions.
Hammond looked from Jonas to Carter. "Does that sound right to you, Colonel?"
"Well, sir, it is certainly unusual, but given what I understand about the situation, I think Jonas is right. It sounds like Janet will have to stay here."
"Of course," cut in Jonas, "that doesn't really fix the wanting to go home part, I'm afraid." He looked apologetically at Janet.
She wasn't quite sure what to say to that. Even if there were a home to return to, would she want to go back? The Aschen hadn't exactly made her life terribly bright, and if Daniel were dead-which he almost certainly was, if the world still existed there-there was no point to going on at all. She realized that she would have to trust in the note making it back, to trust in their former selves to make something more out of their second chance, though they wouldn't realize it was a second chance.
"Well, Dr. Fraiser," General Hammond's voice interrupted her reverie, "I'm not sure yet how this will all play out, but unless we learn something different, it looks like you'll be staying with us. Of course, I'll have to confine you to base for the foreseeable future. It's too late tonight to make the calls I'll need to make, but tomorrow I'll see what I can work out in terms of a legitimate identity and all that. You can stay in the VIP quarters. As for the rest of you," he said, looking at Daniel, Sam, Jack, Jonas, Teal'c, Mark Robinson, and Steven Tharp, "whether or not you stay here tonight is up to you."
As the briefing was breaking up, one of the infirmary nurses knocked hesitatingly on the door to the briefing room. "I'm sorry to interrupt, sir," she said, "but we need Dr. Jackson to come down to the infirmary. Nick's terribly upset, and we can't get him to calm down." Without another word, Daniel bolted out the door, and Steven Tharp followed him, walking out with the nurse. Janet looked after them rather helplessly, somehow knowing that the little boy was upset because of her. Sam recognized the difficult position Janet was in and jumped in to try to alleviate the awkwardness.
"How long has it been since you've eaten?" she asked, taking Janet's arm. "It's almost 2100 hours, and I'm starving. Why don't you join us for dinner, and we can talk some?" Jack and Jonas nodded enthusiastically, and even though Janet wasn't hungry and was a little dubious about facing the commissary, she agreed.
*** Trepidation of the Spheres, Part 3 ***
"So Carter's completely shocked because it was just supposed to be my retirement shin-dig, and here we are promoting her. Of course the whole base knew it was going to happen, but for as smart as she is, she can be a little slow on the uptake sometimes." Jack O'Neill paused in his story and ducked out of the way as a piece of Sam's roll came flying past his ear. Janet grinned at them. Dinner had turned out to be surprisingly relaxing. "And then," continued O'Neill, "I had to make this little 'it's been so great to work with you, even though I'm not really going away' speech that nobody wanted to listen to because they all knew there was booze and barbeque at Danny and Janet's as soon as I shut up. But I figured it was the last time I was going to have everyone's attention like that, so I was going to make it good. So I told them the main reason I was retiring was so that I could do something I'd been waiting almost ten years to do. And I hobbled down off the stupid platform-I had busted my knee, remember-and grabbed our newest Colonel and gave her a kiss she'll never forget, right in front of everyone!" Jack grinned and looked pleased with himself while Sam blushed prettily.
"Then they all spent the whole barbeque cashing in the betting pools," she added wryly.
Janet smiled at them, truly pleased. "I'm glad it worked out for you two," she said. "I'm afraid my friends weren't so lucky. I've never seen two people more destined for each other, but somehow they never got the chance they needed." Sam looked slightly distressed at Janet's news. When she heard that that the SGC had been disbanded in Janet's universe, she just assumed that Jack and Sam had been able to be together.
"What happened?" she asked cautiously.
"Well, I guess there's no real harm in telling you," Janet answered. "Sam was always kind of reticent about what really happened between them, but for whatever reason, after the SGC was dissolved, Sam married this guy named Joe, and Jack went back to Minnesota to fish. I'm afraid they died regretting those choices." She paused. Everyone at the table had grown very quiet. "I just hope the note went through so that their younger selves have a second chance. I hope we all have a second chance." Janet trailed off, her eyes misting over slightly. She stared down at her plate, pushing mashed potatoes around with her fork.
There were similarities between this world and hers, to be sure, but also significant differences. For instance, SG-1 was a different team. In addition to Jack's retirement, Daniel scarcely ever went off-world anymore since Nick was born. Instead, SG-1 consisted of Sam, Teal'c, this Jonas Quinn, who seemed to be a civilian uber-geek, and Captain Robinson, whom Janet didn't know much about since he had declined their dinner invitation. However, the biggest and most painful difference, she learned, was that there had been no Cassie in this universe, or at least no Cassie who had come to the SGC and into her life. Janet and her daughter hadn't seen as much of one another as they would have liked in the past few years, but they phoned every weekend. She couldn't believe that last Saturday when they had hung up was really the last time they would ever speak.
Sam watched Janet while trying not to look like she was doing so. She couldn't imagine what it must be like to be in this woman's shoes. She could tell that Janet was hoping for a second chance for her own former self, not just those of Sam and Jack. Sam wondered if that was a second chance with Daniel. The subject of either universe's Daniel had been fairly studiously avoided throughout their dinner conversation. After the evening's scene with Nick, Sam felt that talking about him might be too awkward for Janet, who clearly hadn't expected her counterpart to have been married to Daniel. Nevertheless, Sam noticed the way Janet had watched Daniel throughout the briefing, and she was dying to know if Janet and her Daniel had been involved.
All of a sudden, Sam felt a jab in her side, and she looked up to follow Jack's eyes to the door of the commissary. A very harried-looking Daniel Jackson had just walked in the door and was headed toward their table. Janet had seen him, too, and had paled again.
Jack decided to opt for non-chalant. "Hey, Danny, grab a tray. How's Nick doing?" The expression on Daniel's face clearly indicated that non-chalant was not the way to go.
"Actually, he's not so good. He's really upset himself, and we can't get him to calm down. I keep thinking he'll wear himself out; he's been crying for well over an hour. Steven wants to give him a sedative, but-" Daniel trailed off, looking nervous and worried. He turned to look more directly at Janet, though he still couldn't bring himself to meet her eyes. "Um, earlier when he saw you, he thought you were, were his mother. He keeps crying for 'mommy.' I, uh, I didn't know if you could come down and maybe, I don't know, maybe he would calm down for you." He looked tortured as he spoke, and Jack couldn't begin to fathom the emotions that must be running through his friend's mind. Janet was wide-eyed and ghostly pale, but she quickly assented and got up to follow Daniel back to the infirmary. Jack started to get up as well, but Sam's hand on his arm checked his movement.
"Let them go," she whispered. "They've got to talk sometime, and it will probably be easier without us hanging around." He nodded in understanding and watched the pair exit the commissary.
*** Daniel opened the door of the commissary for Janet, and out of habit reached to her lower back to guide her through. Just before he touched her, he caught himself and pulled his hand away as if he'd been burned. It's not her, it's not her, it's not her, he repeated to himself for about the ten thousandth time in the past few hours. Fortunately, she seemed not to have noticed. They headed toward the infirmary without speaking. With every step, Daniel became more convinced that this wasn't a good idea. How would he ever make Nick understand that his mother was dead if he produced this carbon copy whenever Nick cried for mommy? As the elevator doors opened, he opened his mouth to tell her that it wasn't a good idea, but his son's now-hoarse wails greeted his ears and made his heart break. He knew that he would do anything for Nick, and if that included letting Janet (it's not her!) see him, so be it.
They walked in the room to find Dr. Tharp holding tenuously to a crying, struggling Nick. The boy's face was red and tear-stained, his nose was running, and his light brown hair was drenched with sweat. When he saw Janet, his cries increased in intensity, and he began straining against Steven toward her.
"Mommymommymommymommymommy!" he cried as Janet crossed the room and drew him into her arms.
"Shh, shh, baby, it's okay. You're okay," she murmured as he wrapped arms and legs around her, hanging on for dear life. His fists grasped her shirt tightly. She rocked him back and forth for a few minutes as his sobs became softer and dissolved into hiccups. She was aware of Daniel standing close, watching their every move. Dr. Tharp had left, giving them some privacy.
"Mommy?"
"I'm here," Janet said, and instantly she wished she hadn't. It was her automatic response to Cassie, begun in the early days when the girl still had almost nightly nightmares. Over the years it became hers and Cassie's conditioned way to open many conversations. Now, however, not only were painful images of her lost daughter crowding into her head, but she had just identified herself to this little boy as his mother. And she wasn't. She hazarded a glance at Daniel and realized that in this universe as well, she could tell exactly what he was thinking.
"I don't think it's a good idea-" he began.
"I know," she interrupted. "I'm sorry."
Daniel could hardly control the emotions coursing through him as he watched this woman, so very like his wife, holding their son. Nick had relaxed somewhat, and Janet seated herself in a chair, settling the boy on her lap. He still clung to her, and as Daniel sat down in the chair next to her, he realized she was murmuring the same comforting nonsense words that his Janet used. It's not her, he reminded himself. She was watching Nick and not him, so it was easier to look at her, and as he did so, he saw that she was different from his Janet. She was thinner, for one thing, more like Janet had been years ago when they first met. And her hair was longer, falling to her shoulders. As he watched her soothing Nick, he felt himself relax as well. He was going to have to talk to her. He wanted to talk to her, for crying out loud, but he couldn't quite work up the nerve. Just then, she looked up from Nick and caught him staring at her. She blushed a little.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to stare. It's just, you look so much like her," he said, surprised at how easy it was to speak to her.
"So do you. Look like him, I mean. My, uh, the Daniel from my universe. Except for the contact lenses, that is." She paused a moment and looked down. He wondered to what extent the other Daniel had been her Daniel. "I know this is really weird for both of us," she concluded.
He nodded. "You and Daniel were . . .?" He left the question open-ended. She smiled faintly and sighed.
"Complicated," she answered. "After Sha're died, there were times when I thought we might, I don't know, act on the damn sexual tension. But when the SGC disbanded, we went our separate ways until about a week ago." The look in her eyes was fond, but nonetheless they were glassy with unshed tears. "I suppose it's better late than never, but we only had four days." He raised his eyebrows, not quite sure what to say in response. Although the pain of losing his wife two months ago was still acute, he couldn't fathom being introduced to this Janet the very day he'd lost his Janet. And they had had seven years together-still not nearly long enough, but so much more time than four days.
He watched as she closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and opened them again, a look of steely strength in them. He recognized it instantly as the "Dr. Fraiser" professional mask. She could be damn strong behind it, though he had become pretty good at breaking it down. It wasn't fair, though, to try to break down this woman's mask. She probably needed all the emotional protection she could get right now. He wished he could muster some of her strength.
"I think he's asleep," Janet said softly. Indeed, Nick had relaxed against her chest and was breathing deeply, his puffy eyes closed.
"I guess I should take him back to my quarters. It's not worth it to try to go home tonight," Daniel answered. He walked over to Janet's chair and reached down for Nick. The boy roused a little, cried out once more for "Mommy," and tightened his grip on Janet's shirt.
"It's okay, Nick," she whispered, rocking him a little. "We're just taking you to Daddy's room to sleep." She looked up at Daniel. "I'll carry him," she said with enough of a question in her voice to allow him to object if he wanted to. He simply nodded and reached down to help her out of her chair.
It was the first physical contact between them-his hand on her elbow-and both of them locked eyes instantly. From her expression, Daniel knew that she felt the electric spark just like he had. Her arm radiated warmth even through her shirt sleeve, and his hand felt magnetically connected to her. Part of his brain screamed at him to take her in his arms and kiss her senseless, and another part upped the volume of the "it's not her!" mantra. The result of the conflict was the momentary inability to do anything but stand there and stare at her staring back at him.
The awkward moment was broken abruptly as Steven Tharp rapped lightly on the doorframe and entered the room. Daniel pulled his hand away quickly, and he and Janet both colored slightly. Steven was conscious of having embarrassed them, but he decided it was better to act like nothing had happened.
"I thought I would just come check on Nick," the doctor explained.
"He's asleep," Daniel answered. "We were just taking him to my quarters where he'll be more comfortable. Thanks for your help, Steven."
"Any time, Daniel. You know that." Daniel nodded, and Steven watched the trio exit his infirmary. It felt like dj vu. One of the many times that Nick had fallen asleep on the little cot in his mother's office when she had to work late, and Daniel had come down to walk them back up to their quarters. Steven blinked and shook his head a little as he watched the elevator doors close behind them.
*** Daniel had not moved out of the larger quarters that he and his Janet had shared: there was a double bed (where the SGC managed to find a military-issue double bed they had never figured out) and a small cot in the corner for Nick. He gestured for Janet to lay the boy down on the cot and then watched as she did so, gently slipping off his shoes, pulling the cover over him, smoothing his hair, and placing a soft kiss on his temple. Nick didn't wake up. Daniel felt his emotions rise to the surface yet again as he saw them together, and he did his best to quell them again as she turned around to face him. He had only turned on a small lamp, and he was glad the room was dim.
"Thank you," he managed to say. "I hate sedatives so much myself that I just couldn't let Steven do that to him. I didn't know what else to do. You've been wonderful; you're great with children." He saw immediately that he had said something wrong because she closed her eyes again and breathed deeply several times, obviously trying to restore the "Dr. Fraiser" face, but when she opened her eyes, they brimmed with tears.
"He's a beautiful child," she said after a moment, her voice choking slightly. Another deep breath. "I'm sorry. I- I miss my daughter is all. I don't know why Nick should necessarily make me think of her-she's almost 25 years old! She was adopted; I didn't even know her when she was his age." She swiped fiercely at a tear that had spilled over. The magnetism began to overpower the caution in Daniel's mind as he took a step toward her, tears stinging up behind his own eyes. She had a daughter. She not only lost her lover but her daughter as well. He couldn't imagine-could he possibly go on if he, God forbid, lost Nick too? He took another step toward her.
"What's her name?" he asked in a trembling voice, more to remind himself that this wasn't his Janet than anything else.
"Cassandra," whispered Janet, who had stopped wiping away the tears that were falling. She knew she should get out of here. Her guard was down, and she couldn't raise it again, no matter how hard she tried, and between the turmoil and passion of the past week and the unfathomable events of the day, she was quickly melting into a pool of emotional exhaustion. Putting little Nick to bed had nearly finished her, emotionally, and seeing Daniel here in front of her, in pain, tears coming to his eyes, was more than she could bear. He thinks you're his wife, she tried to tell herself, willing her body to escape to the VIP room where she could be alone. As much as you think you want him in your arms, it isn't really him.
She wasn't sure who reached for whom, but suddenly she was in his arms, sobbing into his chest. She heard his strangled cry of "Jan!" as his own tears began to fall into her hair. Any pretense of rational thought was gone. She was only aware of his arms around her and of his unique scent. She marveled that this Daniel should smell exactly the same as her Daniel. No! she thought suddenly, as if a switch had gone off in her mind. It isn't him! Get out of here! You think he's your lover, and he thinks you're his wife, and you're both wrong. Unfortunately, her body wasn't listening, and she had to devote her full amount of strength to forcing her arms to release him.
"No, Daniel, this isn't fair," she gasped, pulling away and taking a step back. He looked stunned and reached toward her again. "I'm not her, and you're not him," she said, moving toward the door. "I'm not her. I'm sorry." His expression was one of pure anguish, but he dropped his hands, seeming to understand.
"I'm sorry, Janet." She forced herself to open the door. "Wait," he called softly as she moved into the corridor. "Nick-he may be upset in the morning when you're gone. Will you see him?"
She nodded slightly. "If you think it would be okay, yes, I would like to see him."
She didn't look back as she walked down the long corridor toward the VIP quarters, but she never heard his door close again, and she could feel him watching her. As soon as she got to her room, she threw herself on the bed, curled up into a fetal position, and sobbed herself to sleep.
*** Trepidation of the Spheres, Part 4 ***
Janet must have been even more exhausted than she thought because she didn't wake until Sam knocked on her door at 0800. Sam took one look at her and knew she had had a rough night. Janet was still wearing the clothes she arrived in, and they were very rumpled. What was left of her makeup was smeared, and her eyes were a little puffy; Sam was not surprised to see that she had been crying.
"Oh, no! I didn't mean to sleep so long!" she exclaimed as she answered the door.
"No problem," answered Sam. "I'm sorry to wake you. I just wanted to see how you were feeling this morning. Also to bring you this." She held out a paper grocery bag. "It's shower gel, moisturizer, underwear not issued by the Air Force, that kind of thing." Janet grinned like a kid at Christmas as she took the bag.
"Thank you! I don't mind wearing BDU's, but military soap is just a little much. I guess I should go ahead and grab a shower before the morning gets any later."
"By the way, General Hammond is making lots of phone calls on your behalf, and he's hoping to have a briefing sometime before noon to let you, and all of the rest of us, know what he's found out."
Janet thanked her again, and Sam left her to get ready. As the Colonel walked into her lab, she was somewhat surprised to see Daniel and Nick inside. They appeared to be waiting for her, but neither noticed that she had walked in the door.
"No, Daddy! I don't wanna play with Aunt Sam. I wanna go to Mommy!" whined Nick. He wasn't nearly as upset as he had been the night before, but he was far from happy. Daniel closed his eyes and took in a deep breath. He looked, if possible, even more ragged than Janet had, and Sam suspected he had hardly slept at all. Although she was somewhat curious how Daniel might answer his son's request, she decided to help him by trying to distract Nick.
"You don't want to play with me, Nick?" she asked, pretending to be offended. Both Jackson men started and looked at her. She walked over to Nick and knelt down to his level. "It's Saturday, buddy. We always hang out on Saturday, remember? Maybe we could go bother Uncle Jack, what do you say?" Daniel looked grateful and relieved, but Nick was unconvinced.
"I want Mommy."
"Nick," began Daniel, "you remember what I told you about Mommy having to go away. She loves you very much, but she has to watch over you from heaven now, remember." His voice quaked slightly.
"But she was here last night," insisted the boy. "I know it."
"Nicky, the lady from last night wasn't Mommy," answered his father, the first unequivocal statement he had issued on the matter. "I know she looks like her, but it isn't Mommy."
Nick began to cry. "It is Mommy. I want Mommy, please!" His voice was more pitiful than demanding, and Daniel looked at Sam helplessly.
"How did it go with her last night?" she asked. "Did he calm down?" Daniel simply nodded. Nick's cries grew louder, and Daniel picked him up, but if anything it made Nick more upset.
"What do you think?" he asked Sam after a moment. "She said she would see him again in the morning, but I don't want to give him the wrong idea, false hope and all that. And it was kind of awkward between the two of us," he confessed. "She's so much like Janet, and apparently she and Daniel were, uh, well anyway, I just don't know if this is a good idea." Sam didn't respond. She wasn't surprised to find her suspicion about Janet and the other Daniel confirmed, but she really had no idea what to do. She could see that Daniel was conflicted as he struggled with Nick, who was getting quite fussy, and tried to deal with his own emotions. Finally, he gave in to what he knew Nick wanted. If he were completely honest with himself, he wanted it as well. "Sam, could you see if she could come here?"
Sam agreed quickly-somehow it seemed to her like the right thing to do as well-and went to see if Janet had finished her shower.
*** Nick calmed down again for Janet, but this time both she and Daniel tried to make it clear to him that she wasn't his mother. The little boy looked dubiously at her as she tried to explain, in abbreviated, three-year-old terminology, about her own universe and how she had gotten there. Nick was an alarming combination of her own features and Daniel's. Overall, he looked more like his mother, but he had his father's piercing blue eyes as well as those eyes' power of expression. The result was thoroughly disconcerting, and she found it terribly difficult to say things that hurt or confused him.
"I don't believe you," Nick responded for about the twelfth time, as Janet finished her explanation. "I want you to be Mommy. I know you're Mommy." Janet exchanged a helpless glance with Daniel, who sighed heavily.
"Nick," he began again. Fortunately, they were interrupted at that moment by Sam, Jack, and Teal'c.
"General Hammond just got off the phone with the President and the Joint Chiefs and God knows who else. He's ordered me and the two of you to a briefing. Nick, I brought Uncle Jack and Uncle Teal'c to play with you until your Daddy gets out of his meeting, okay?" Although Nick ordinarily loved to play with Uncle Jack and Uncle Teal'c, he crawled reluctantly out of Janet's lap as Jack approached him.
"Mommy?" he said nervously as Janet stood to follow Sam.
"You be good for Uncle Jack, okay?" she told him, kneeling down to kiss his forehead. Nick nodded bravely and took Jack's offered hand.
*** "Well, Dr. Fraiser," said General Hammond, once Sam, Daniel, and Janet were settled around the table, "you have two choices. We could feign a mistake on our part and explain that Janet Fraiser was only missing in action and not killed; she is now returned in the form of you, and you assume her identity, uh, with all the rights and responsibilities thereof." He glanced at Daniel as he finished. "Naturally, you and Dr. Jackson should probably discuss that option together." There was a somewhat awkward pause as both Daniel and Janet studied their hands, allowing the General's words to sink in. "The second option," he continued, "is for you to enter something like the witness protection program. The government would relocate you, give you a new identity, and you could start over, provided, of course, that you sign extensive breach of security agreements and so forth. As much as I would like to keep you on around here if you chose a new identity, I'm afraid they were insistent that you'll have to start over somewhere else. You have about twenty-four hours to make your decision, doctor."
Janet's head was reeling as she nodded agreement. More than anything, she just wanted to go home. Instead, she had to become a person she wasn't-either an invented complete stranger or a different version of herself who was married to Daniel, had a three-year-old son, and had died two months ago. She had no idea which was the better option.
The general asked Sam to remain behind for a moment, and Janet and Daniel found themselves together in the hallway. His face was inscrutable as he looked at her; it seemed to register both attraction and resistance.
"Um, I think we both should take a few hours to think about this," she began. "Or at least I know I need some time," she amended as his face showed no change. "But can we talk this afternoon?"
"I think that would be a good idea," agreed Daniel, still not giving anything away in his ordinarily-expressive face. He nodded once and then walked away.
*** As Janet approached the door of Daniel's office several hours later, she knew what she wanted, but she also knew it was a decision she would not and could not make without his agreement. She knocked hesitantly and was somewhat surprised when he answered it himself instead of calling for her to enter.
"Hi," she said softly.
"Come in." He offered a small, nervous smile, the first she had seen from him, and she felt both reassured and apprehensive. He emptied a chair of its books and invited her to sit down, settling himself opposite her in the desk chair.
Daniel studied her as she took a breath, trying to begin. He forced himself to be patient. He had tried, in the past few hours, to think rationally about the decision. He tried making lists of pros and cons, mostly in order to get on paper the many reasons why having her stay was a horrible idea. The lists soon found themselves crumpled in the trash can as he realized he would have to go with his overwhelming gut instinct. He knew what he wanted her to choose, though he knew it would be impossibly difficult. But it had to be her decision, and the last thing he wanted to do was to force his own ideas on her.
Janet decided to be straightforward and trust her ability to read his reactions. "I've been doing a lot of thinking about the General's two options, and although they both seem to have their difficult points, my inclination is to stay here and to be Janet Fraiser." Relief flooded Daniel's eyes, and he seemed to release a breath he had been holding. "But only if it's okay with you," she hurried on, wanting to say it all before he could interrupt. "I know I'm not that Janet Fraiser, even if the law said I was, and I would never want to presume. . . I mean, the explanations would be awkward, especially for you, not to mention that I would never want to insult or cheapen her memory in any way. If you want me to go, please say so, and I will, without a second thought, and please, Daniel, be perfectly honest. We can't try to be polite about this and do something you would resent forever." She bit her bottom lip nervously as she waited for his response, already wondering if it would not have been wiser to run away and start entirely anew.
Although he could think of a thousand reasons why pretending that this Janet was his Janet was a terrible idea, Daniel couldn't help wanting her to stay in his life. He was sure his relief was evident in his voice. "I want-I mean if it's really what you want-I want you to stay. I think it will be hard, both of us knowing, uh, who you really are, but I don't want to take away from you your name and the only friends you have in this universe. And watching you with Nick-I mean, you wouldn't have to spend lots of time with him if you didn't want to, but if you could see him from time to time, I think it would probably be good for him." It was true about Nick, he knew, but he also recognized that part of himself couldn't bear to say goodbye to her, even as he reminded himself he couldn't get too close. Not my Janet, he practically yelled at himself as he watched her watching his reaction.
"I think I would like that," Janet said shyly. "I'm already getting fond of Nick."
*** Over the following weeks, Janet became acclimated to life at this universe's SGC. She had wanted Steven Tharp to remain CMO, but everyone-Dr. Tharp loudest of all-had insisted she take on the position, which they all saw as rightfully hers. Once she was free to leave the base, Sam helped her find a nice apartment near Daniel's house so that she could visit Nick easily.
The little boy became more and more her son every day. She shouldn't have been surprised at his ability to win his way into her heart; Cassie had done the same thing, after all. Nevertheless, Janet was always struck with a giddy feeling when Nick cast his sparkling blue eyes up at her and called her "Mommy." She and Daniel had tried for a while to explain to Nick that she wasn't actually his mother, but their attempts were largely unsuccessful. Finally, they decided that until he was old enough really to understand what had happened, it was unfair to confuse him.
Her relationship with this Daniel was eminently more complicated than her relationship with the other Daniel had ever been. According to all documents on record, they were legally married. The one time Janet tried to mention that if he wanted it, she would be okay with a divorce-since, after all, they had never actually married each other-Daniel looked shocked and alarmed and finally stammered that they shouldn't make such a rash decision so quickly, unless she wanted a divorce. Janet assured him that she didn't, and the subject never came up again. They saw one another almost every day, between work and Nick, and were growing increasingly comfortable with one another. Nevertheless, caution dominated their friendship, and out of fear as well as respect for the dead Janet, they were both careful not to get too close.
*** Trepidation of the Spheres, Part 5 ***
About a year after Janet arrived, Daniel was asked to go off-world on a diplomatic mission-a rare occurrence. He was hesitant at first to leave Nick; the last time one of his parents went off-world, she was carried home dead. Daniel's conscience soon got the better of him, though, and he agreed to accompany SG-1, leaving Nick in Janet's capable hands.
Janet enjoyed having several days to spend with Nick, who had celebrated his fourth birthday and was growing at a remarkable pace. She also enjoyed staying in what always felt like her own house, even though it was now Daniel's. As much as she liked her apartment, it never really felt like home.
The night before Daniel was due to return, Janet put Nick to bed and then took a shower before having her customary bedtime cup of tea. When she got out of the shower and put on her pajamas, she was alarmed to hear noises in the kitchen. She grabbed a phone, ready to call 911, and a can of Mace, and snuck down the hallway to investigate. Daniel was in the kitchen, still dressed in BDUs, and preparing the water to make tea.
"Jesus, Daniel, you scared me! What are you doing back?"
Daniel turned around and broke into a broad grin at the sight of her standing wet-haired in the doorway, armed with Mace and a telephone. "Sorry to scare you. I guess I should have called, but when we got back I didn't know if I would be home tonight or not, and then it was kind of late, and I didn't want the phone to wake Nick. The diplomacy got a little, uh, undiplomatic, and we had to cut out a bit early." He gestured slightly to a cut above his left eye that was closed with five stitches; Janet had already noticed it and was moving toward him, the concerned "Dr. Fraiser" look in her eyes.
"What happened to your head?" she asked, gently pushing him into a chair so that she could get a look at it.
"Oh, it's nothing. The villagers chased out of town with some rocks; one of them grazed me." He hissed slightly as she prodded his wound. He tried to look annoyed, suppressing the fleeting realization that he loved it when she fussed over him.
"Grazed? Honestly, Daniel, I'm surprised the infirmary released you. You drove home?"
"I'm fine, Janet. Steven said so." She continued to probe his head, feeling for other injuries, but Daniel was too overwhelmed by her close proximity to pay attention to what she was doing. She had just come from her shower and smelled fresh and sweet, her hair hanging wet over her shoulders. She wore flannel pajama pants low on her hips and a snug, black tank top that was short enough to expose a small strip of midriff. No bra, he thought with a gulp as he realized he was eye-level with her breasts, their taut nipples poking at the thin material of her top. Suddenly he realized she was talking to him. "What did you say?"
She frowned at him. "I said I should head home, since you're back, but you don't seem to be very well to me. I'm surprised Steven didn't keep you in the infirmary. I wonder if I shouldn't stay tonight, just to make sure you're okay."
"I think I'm okay," Daniel admitted, albeit reluctantly. He suddenly desperately wanted her to stay, but he didn't really want to feign injury either. He grasped her wrist, and she looked surprised but not upset. "But please do stay. I mean, if you want to. You're already ready for bed and everything. You don't want to get out again." Janet looked suspicious and opened her mouth, but she was interrupted by the whistle of the tea kettle.
"I'll stay for a cup of tea, anyway," she admitted, pouring out the boiling water, "and we can see how you're feeling afterwards." Daniel grinned victoriously as he watched her pull out two mugs from the cabinet. It had been months since his "it's not your Janet" voice had put up much of a fight; as he grew to know this Janet, not only was he scarcely ever tempted to confuse the two, but he also found his thoughts increasingly preoccupied by the woman in front of him.
Janet and Daniel settled on the couch with their tea. She tucked her feet underneath her and studied him as he blew lightly into his cup to cool the boiling water. She smiled as she realized how comfortable they had become around one another. Her relationship with the other Daniel had been one of restrained friendship concluding in four days of frantic passion; they had never sat comfortably together drinking tea. Of course, she reminded herself as always, he and his Janet probably did this all the time. Occasionally she caught him staring at her and flattered herself that her own carefully hidden feelings might be returned. She now felt like she knew this Daniel even better than she had known her Daniel, but she was sure the converse was not true. Anything Daniel might feel for her was really displaced affection for his dead wife. This line of thought always frustrated and depressed her, so she decided to try conversation instead.
"So tell me about your mission? Why did it end so badly?"
"Well, I got called along because I'm supposed to be the most experienced diplomat, which should have clued me in more than it did that these people weren't much interested in diplomacy. I mean, Jonas usually gets along with people pretty well. I thought the talks were actually going fairly well when Sam realized that her instruments had been malfunctioning and her readings were off. Turns out there were only trace amounts of naquadah on the planet. As soon as she realized there wasn't much to be gained from a technological point of view, she was ready to pull out and head home, much to the chagrin of the natives, who were just deciding that making a deal with us might have some advantages. I got pissed off at Sam, they got pissed off at me, and things pretty much went downhill from there." Daniel shrugged as he finished.
"Did you and Sam patch things up?" Janet asked with some concern.
"Oh, we'll be fine, I'm sure. I swear, though, she gets more and more like Jack every day," he commented, though with an affectionate grin that made Janet know that he really had forgiven Sam. "You know," he continued after a pause, "going through the gate again was surprisingly fun. I was pretty nervous about it. I mean, I haven't been off-world in about two years myself, if you can believe that, and then after Janet was killed, I didn't think I would ever want to go back. But I had forgotten how much I love it. What I do now, translating everything the teams bring back, is still exciting in its way, but you lose sight of the human side of things. And there's nothing quite like stepping through that open wormhole."
Janet was a little surprised at this reaction. "So do you think you'll want to go on more missions now?"
He frowned, considering. "I don't know. I still think it's most important to be careful for Nick's sake, but at the same time, you can't stop living life just because something bad might happen. Losing people usually makes me overcautious, but I don't think that's the best lesson." He was now looking at her intently, and Janet felt her breathing become slightly more shallow at the unreadable expression in his eyes. "Maybe the better plan is to take every moment as it comes and give your all to the people who are in your life for as long as they're in it."
Janet felt pretty sure he wasn't really talking about going off-world, or at least wasn't only talking about it, but the power of speech seemed to have abandoned her. She was saved the task of responding, however, when a cry came from the back of the house.
"No, no, Mommy come back! Mommy, Mommy!" Both Janet and Daniel leaped up and raced to Nick's bedroom.
The little boy was writhing around, his legs becoming entangled as they kicked at the bedclothes. Janet reached him first and pulled him into her arms, trying to soothe and wake him at the same time.
"Shh, shh, Nicky sweetheart. It's okay. I'm here. It was just a dream. Wake up, sweetie, wake up." She held and rocked him as Daniel perched on the other side of Nick's bed and began to rub his son's back. Nick soon stopped struggling and slowly came out of his nightmare.
"Mommy?" he asked as he studied Janet with bleary eyes. "You're really here? You didn't go away?"
Janet smoothed his hair and kissed his forehead. "I'm here, my darling. You had a bad dream, but it's over now, and I've been here the whole time. And look who came back early." She directed Nick's attention to Daniel.
"Daddy!" he cried, his face lighting up. He held out his arms for a hug from his father.
"Hey kiddo! I missed you while I was gone."
"I missed you too, Daddy," Nick answered solemnly. He looked from Janet to Daniel as if to determine that they were both really there.
"Nick, do you want to tell us about your nightmare?" Daniel asked. "Sometimes if you talk about bad dreams, they don't come back." Nick looked thoughtful for a moment as he considered this advice.
"I couldn't find Mommy," he said softly, crawling back into Janet's lap. "You were gone, like before, and Daddy was very sad. I wanted you, and I kept calling you, and you weren't here. You weren't anywhere." He burrowed his head into Janet's breast, and Janet and Daniel exchanged concerned looks over Nick's head.
"I'm sorry you had that bad dream, my darling," Janet replied, holding Nick tightly. "But we're here now, Nick, and we love you, and we're not going anywhere." Nick suddenly sat up and looked hopefully at Janet.
"You're not going back to your house? You're going to stay here and live with us again?"
Janet had not at all expected that reaction and was struck speechless. She knew Nick was a very intelligent boy, but sometimes he surprised her with his perceptiveness. She bit her bottom lip and ventured a glance at Daniel.
"I don't know, Nick," Daniel answered, though he kept his gaze fixed on Janet instead of on his son. "Mommy and I would have to talk about that."
"Why doesn't Mommy live here all the time?"
"Nick, sometimes mommies and daddies don't live in the same house," answered Janet, having recovered her speech but still feeling like the situation was slightly surreal. "But that doesn't change how much they love their children," she reassured him.
"You love me?" Nick asked her.
"Of course, my darling. Very, very much. Don't ever forget that."
"And you love Daddy?"
Janet froze. She was aware of Daniel's near presence and his eyes boring into her. Could she confess her feelings in front of Daniel? The alternative-lying to Nick-seemed worse, somehow. She took a deep breath. "Yes, Nick, I do." She couldn't manage to look at either of them but stared down at her hands as she said it. As she watched, one of Daniel's hands crept across the blanket and clasped one of hers. Before she could help herself, her fingers closed around his, and she was astonished as he stroked her knuckle with his thumb.
"Daddy, do you love me and Mommy?" asked Nick, apparently nonplussed by his parents' mild display of affection.
"I love you both more than you can imagine," answered Daniel without hesitation. His voice, however, was soft and thick with emotion. He squeezed Janet's hand as he leaned forward to kiss Nick. "And now, son, I think it's time for you to get back to sleep. Do you think you can sleep without nightmares now?"
"Uh-huh," nodded Nick, settling back on his pillow. Daniel released Janet's hand to tuck Nick in, and she fought the empty feeling that struck her the moment he let go. They kissed Nick goodnight again, and Janet managed to get out the door ahead of Daniel. Her head was reeling, and she had no idea what she would say to him. Should she apologize straight away? Wait for him to make the first move?
She didn't turn around as she walked back into the living room, and when she spotted their empty tea mugs on the coffee table, she seized them up and headed for the kitchen without looking at him. As she set the mugs in the sink, she was aware of him standing directly behind her. She drew in a sharp breath as he placed his hands lightly but decisively on her hips.
"I meant what I said, Janet," he whispered, his voice close to her ear.
She wanted to believe him, but she vocalized her fears instead. "I think it's important for Nick to know how much you love his mother." This time it was Daniel who inhaled sharply, but at the same time, he increased the pressure of his hands on her hips.
"I did love Nick's mother," Daniel said after a pause. "And part of me will always love her, just as part of me will always love Sha're. But over the past year, you have helped to heal my grief and have reawakened parts of my heart that I thought were dead. I love *you*, Janet."
"I'm not her, Daniel," she replied, determined that her caution would temper the hope that was rising within her. She realized her voice was shaking. "Are you sure you know the difference?"
"Positive," he answered with a low laugh. His hands crept around her waist, grazing the exposed skin of her stomach and pulling her closer. "As I have gotten to know you-as *you*-I've only come to love you more. I love you for yourself, not because you remind me of her." Janet allowed herself to relax and lean against him. It's okay, she told herself incredulously. She shivered involuntarily as he kissed the shell of her ear. Suddenly, he stopped. "Uh, Janet?"
"Hmm?" she answered, trying to bring herself back down to earth. Oh no, she thought, he regrets it.
"You did mean what you said in there, didn't you?" He sounded genuinely, if slightly, worried.
"Yes, Daniel, I did." She smiled.
"And you meant me, right? Not your Daniel from before?"
Janet turned around in his arms to look up at him, hoping that the love she felt shone through in her eyes. "I want you to be my Daniel," she whispered. She watched in wonder and delight as all traces of anxiety disappeared from his face. She wrapped her arms around him as his lips descended to hers.
Kissing Daniel was like coming home. The pain and anxiety of the past year, of always feeling like an imposter, out of place, melted away as she lost herself in the feel of his lips on hers, his hands roving over her body. It's okay; this is right; we're together, exactly where we're supposed to be, she cried elatedly to herself, her last entirely coherent thoughts of the night.
*** The End ***
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