Worth It
Worth It
by GateSeeker2
Summary: Mala's death in Birthright really affects Sam.
Category: Angst, Missing Scene/Epilogue, Romance
Episode Related: 710 BIRTHRIGHT
Season: future Season
Pairing: Jack/Sam
Rating: PG
Warnings: none
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author(s).
Archived on: 01/22/04
Worth It
The wormhole ended with its usual abruptness. Sam had just finished transmitting a radio message to Daniel about the unfortunate death of Mala. The Tretonin didn't work; the symbiote was unable to sustain her; and she died. Sam was surprised by the level of turmoil that she felt over the death of this new acquaintance. After talking with Daniel, Sam knew that she needed to be alone for a while. Moisture began to form in her eyes, and she wasn't going to let herself cry in front of the control staff, and besides the Colonel and the General were standing directly behind her. It wouldn't do to let them see her in a weak moment. Balancing femininity with military image was a constant struggle. Without thinking, she rose quickly and mumbled a hasty, "Sirs, if you'll excuse me." She didn't even wait for the customary acknowledgment and dismissal from her superior officers. She assumed that they would more than likely approve her departure, but her action was still faintly borderline insubordination. Not caring, Sam was out of her chair, down the stairs, out of the control room, and on her way down to her lab.
She reached her lab and walked straight to her work table. She sat down on the stool but was quickly up again realizing that she was too fidgety to sit still. Slowly pacing around her lab, she began to wonder why she was so upset. Of course, she was mournful over the loss of a life - after all she wasn't heartless. But, Sam had only known Mala for a few days. She hardly had time to form a true friendship with her. Both women served as warriors for their people, so Sam could identify with her. However, there was something else - some deeper connection.
Sam had unfortunately watched numerous good warriors, men and women, die over the last few years while at the SGC, but this depth of feeling was different. What exactly was she feeling? Grief? Naturally. Sympathy? Sure. Empathy? Yes. Anger? Absolutely! Sam was taken back when she realized that not only was she sad, but she was mad. Death is never welcomed - even when the victim knows that it is coming. Mala knew that death was waiting for her. Dr. Fraizer had explained the possibility that the Tretonin wasn't going to work. But, Mala knew the risks. No, something else was beginning to gnaw at Sam within a deeper part of her being.
Sam's pacing became quicker. Her hair was getting frazzled from running her fingers through it. The tears were gathering now with increased intensity.
Why was she so angry with Mala's situation? She thought back to their conversations in the isolation room and the infirmary. Sam remembered how strong of will and determination Mala seemed to be while coming to terms with her possible death. However, Mala appeared resolved to see this "experiment" through to the end, the bitter end. She was willing to risk her life to find a better way for her people, her family.
Sam stopped pacing as the tears were finally beginning to make their way slowly down her cheek, and she turned to the end of her work table. Then, she slammed her fist violently down on the work surface and cursed out loud as she realized what was suddenly so clear to her.
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Colonel O'Neill had stayed in the control room with General Hammond after noticing the quick departure of Major Carter. The two ranking officers decided that the two remaining earthbound SG1 members were not going to have to join Daniel and Teal'C on that planet right now. So, Colonel O'Neill was on his way to Carter's lab to inform her that they would await the further medical findings of the others undergoing the Tretonin experiments before possibly needing to return.
He had rounded the corner in the hallway a few feet from her lab when he heard a distinct thud and Carter cursing. Jack stopped briefly in his tracks at the unusual sound. Carter rarely cursed, except when she was feeling overwhelmed, cornered, or defeated. Continuing to her lab, he paused this time in the doorway as he watched and listened to Sam.
"This isn't fair! I'm sick of this! I can't take this anymore!" Sam repeatedly pounded her fist on the table as her voice grew in vehement urgency with every phrase while her tears coursed freely. Then, surprising even herself, she swept her arms across the corner of the table forcibly throwing some manuals and text books onto the floor as she yelled, "It's not worth it!"
Jack couldn't believe what he was witnessing. Was this his Major? Sam never acted like this - at least never that he saw. "Carter!" he snapped roughly.
Sam hadn't seen the Colonel come to her lab. The minute she heard her name she turned instinctively towards him then quickly turned away. Now she was cursing silently to herself for being so foolishly caught in her tirade. `Must close lab door, and lock it, next time I decide to act like a raving lunatic,' she thought to herself.
"Sir. I'm sorry, Sir. I didn't see you there." She tried to state calmly even though adrenaline was coursing through her.
"Well, that's obvious! What's going on here?" And he motioned to the books scattered on the floor.
Kneeling down to gather the books that she just threw about, she continued, "Nothing Sir."
"Oh no Carter," the Colonel said wagging his finger from side to side as he stepped three long yet swift strides over to her. "Something's not right. Now spill it!"
Placing some of the books on the table as she also tried to wipe the tears away then reach down for the last two items, she continued, "No Sir, really, everything's fine!" OK - that sounded a bit forced.
As she was straightening up from retrieving the last two books, the Colonel grabbed a hold of the one that she was holding in her right hand and jerked her about until their eyes met. "Carter! What's wrong?"
Sam tried to look away. "Sir. Nothing is..."
"Oh for crying out loud Carter!" Jack cut her off; she really could be evasive some times. "Talk! Now! Don't make me order you!"
His tone held both concern and frustration, but all Sam heard was anger. Well, she was angry too.
"All right!" She slammed the book in her left hand on the table. "I'm upset, Sir! Mala died, and I'm just a little..." What was she? She thought. "...mad. OK!"
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Carter's admission surprised him. His eyebrows arched, his chin tucked in towards his chest, his hands were thrust in his pant pockets, and his voice softened. "Oh."
"Yeah, oh." Carter stood, not looking at the Colonel, just resting her weight on her arms as the work table supported her, and she tried to breathe more evenly.
"Well, aah... you didn't know her ... aah ... that well... I'm surprised...that..." He was doing his best to find words of comfort, but this was so not an area of specialty for him.
Sam had been on a roller coaster of emotions and realized that she was calming down slightly until she heard him say, "... you didn't know her that well...," then she snapped.
She turned towards him. "Well, maybe I know her better than I thought!"
`Now what's that supposed to mean?' The Colonel thought as he was looking perplexed with his faced suddenly scrunched into a tight question. They hadn't even met her, none of SG1 had, until two or three days ago. How could she possibly know her? She was staring so intently at him, almost as if she were mad at him. He didn't know what to say, so after a quick few seconds he said, "Now what's that supposed to mean?"
She was definitely not wanting to reveal the real reason behind her tirade, but maybe she should. However, she decided against it and dropped her head. Waving her hand she said, "Never mind, Sir. Forget it."
"No, tell me."
Sam replied plaintively, "Sir, I'm not going to talk about this..." Jack could tell that she was calming down - again. But he thought he heard her mumble under her breath, "...with you."
He took a step towards her and said soothingly, "Sam..."
Oh that was it! That set her off again. She hated it when he called her Sam. Actually, that's a lie; she loved it, but that was the problem - or at least one of them. Whenever he called her Sam, it made it too personal - made them too personal. And they did not do personal.
"Don't! Colonel, Please!"
"Sam, talk to me?" He was trying to keep from sounding like he was pleading, but he was.
Turning on her heels, and eyes burning with fresh tears she met his gaze squarely and spat out, "Why?! Why are you so wanting to talk now? You NEVER talk Colonel!" His title, Colonel, was forcefully hissed almost like the lash of a whip.
OK, now he was mad again too. "What?!"
"I wanted to talk to you when Daniel died, but you didn't want to talk! So we didn't!"
"Is this what you're upset about? Daniel dying?" This couldn't be right. That happened over a year ago. Plus, Daniel was back among the non-glowing now. Things were good - or so he thought. "I thought you were crying over Mala?"
"Yes!....No!....I am... I'm just not..." Carter stumbled quickly over her words, and the tears tumbled slowly over her cheeks.
"Just not what?" He was really confused now.
"Sir, with all due respect, I don't want to talk about this."
"Well, that's tough, because you're going to."
"Why?"
"Because I want to know why my second in command is suddenly appearing to lose it! And I want it fixed before we have to step back through the Gate to that planet!"
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They were definitely engaged in an argument, but they never argued. Sure they came close: Euronda, the Encarans, K'Tau, the Light Palace, etc. But they, or rather, she never allowed herself to "lose it" and raise her voice to him like this. Maybe that was the point. Too many years of adhering to regulations, walking on egg shells, and repressing emotions were having its toll. Perhaps she should just give in and come clean with everything. Plus, he wants to "fix it" before they gate back. Seven years couldn't "fix" anything. How could one quick conversation? She chuckled slightly to herself as she thought over her dilemma and pinched the bridge of her nose. She didn't know if it would help or not, but what did she have to lose - except everything.
As his hands were resting on his hips in a ready stance, "Well? I'm waiting Major." Jack made sure to emphasize her rank and the unspoken order. She resented it but dove in.
Sighing and shaking her head from side to side she said, "I'm just not sure that it's worth it any more?"
This startled Jack, but he suddenly thought back to what she had been saying when he walked in on her: "This isn't fair! I'm sick of this! I can't take this anymore! It's not worth it!"
"What's not worth it?" He asked cautiously.
"Sir..." OK she would open up, but she wasn't going to look at him. "...Mala and I spoke numerous times while she was in the infirmary. Janet was busy trying various doses and levels of the Tretonin, and I was trying to comfort Mala. We talked about a lot of things. I got to know more of who she is, was, and what she had gone through."
"So?"
She jerked her head up at his apparent unsympathetic comment. "So, do you know that she was a Jaffa temple handmaiden before joining Ishta's rebels?"
"No. But what does this have with something being `worth it'?"
"Mala confided how she had fallen in love with a young palace guard in spite of their station...." She looked at him hoping that he could fill in some of the gaps. She waited. He couldn't. She continued. "...and how their relationship was forbidden." Sam had stressed the last word, "forbidden." AAAHHH! The light bulb just went on! "She told me how they fell in love and had a child. But she also told me of how once her child was born she was forced to watch her child being sacrificed because her god Moloc refused to allow an overpopulation of female children and only wanted male children to strengthen his armies. She not only lost her child but the man she loved. Moloc had him killed."
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Now it made sense to Jack. Carter was grieving not only over the death of this new found stranger, but possibly over their similar life injustices: obstacles to happiness, consequences of life, regulations for conduct, prohibitions of love, and penalties for acquiescing. He really didn't know what to say now, although he watched her intently with unwavering eyes of compassion. Carter was hurting. His first impulse was to pull her into an embrace so tightly that not even a fireman's Jaws of Life could pry her away from him. However, he wasn't allowed to do that, but he wasn't allowed to fall in love with her either - even though he did love her - deeply. So, he stepped closer to her and pulled her tightly to him.
Sam was startled by the Colonel's actions. After she had finished telling him of Mala's ill-fated romance and the loss of her child, she had just stood there looking up into his face. His expression, so normally unreadable and masked, was filled with longing and understanding. Then he grabbed her and pulled her into the tightest of hugs. Not since they hugged on Hathor's planet after she rescued the Colonel from the cryogenic freezing had she been this close to him. Not even as Jonah and Thera had they allowed themselves to be this close. She reveled in his embrace, but only for the briefest of moments. After all, the security cameras were busy recording everything, but at least they only recorded images and not audio. Hating too, but knowing that she couldn't give into emotions, she pushed herself out of his grasp.
"Cameras." She whispered and nodded to the corner of the lab as she stepped back.
Jack was hurt, but understood. "Yeah, right." Stuffing his hands once again in his pockets, "Carter...," sincerely trying to understand this time, "...are you saying that you aren't sure if the fight against the Goa'uld is `worth it'?"
"No, I'm saying that I'm not sure if waiting for the fight to be over is `worth it'."
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OK? So what do you think? Did you like it? What do you think she might have meant by her last statement? I consider this story finished, but should there be more?
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