Measure
Measure
by Exleygirl
Summary: Sequel to 'Miles to Go' (Finally). Jack has a promise to keep. There will be two more parts to this series, but you can read this as a stand-alone.
Category: Romance
Season: future Season
Pairing: Jack/Sam
Rating: PG
Warnings: none
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author(s).
Archived on: 06/08/03
What determines the measure of a man? Is it how much money he makes or the kind of car he drives? Can you evaluate his success by his job title? Is he judged by his family or the number of awards he's garnered in the course of his work? Who makes the rules? At the end of the day, what scale does a man use to verify his worth?
Are you surprised that I have these questions? You shouldn't be. Time spent in a hell-hole called Iraq will cause even the most shallow of human beings to become introspective. If I act as if I don't know how to think, as if I have no deeper feelings, it is because I want the enemy to underestimate me and I want everyone else to leave my private life alone. My thoughts are nobody's business.
Having said that, I'll admit that I don't often dwell on thoughts such as these. At this point in my life, I look for happiness where and when I can find it, and I find that if I become too melancholy it's hard for me to shake it off. Thinking too much is exhausting for anyone except...well, it wears me out, anyway.
Today, though, is a day for profound thoughts. Today I am allowed to ponder the meaning of life and the secrets of the universe. I am convinced that if I could ever prove the existence of God and cure all of the world's most terrible diseases, it would happen today. Today I am more focused than I have ever been; I could learn every language in every book that Daniel keeps in his office if I desired, but that is not where my interest lies. The problems of the world will have to wait for another savior, because I am only concerned with one thing. I am determined to achieve my goal or destroy myself trying.
Methodically I dress myself, taking care that my uniform is clean and neatly pressed. I straighten the ribbons attached to my top and polish my shoes until they become mirrors. There are ways that things are done, and a day like today deserves the best that I can give it. I am attempting to be honorable today, and in doing so I will afford every respect to those above me and to the organization to which I have given my name and most of my life. Taking one last look in the mirror to be sure that I have done my best, I gather my cover under my arm and begin my journey.
The past year has been a difficult one. We lost and regained a friend, carried another friend through a traumatic change in his life, and grew older and more brittle in the process. On more than one occasion I was sure that our luck had run out, and I wanted to fall to my knees and immediately confess my deepest longings to the one person who deserves to hear them. Honor stopped me. We had made each other a promise, and the time had not yet come to make good. Today is the day that I begin the process towards keeping that promise. Today is the day that I lay claim to what is mine: the right to love and be loved by the only woman in the universe worth having.
Is that all? Is this the great and mysterious goal to which I keep referring? Yes, and in the end it is more important than any battle I have won or any enemy I have defeated. Another woman tried to teach me that many years ago, but she grew tired of waiting. I feel a flash of grief over the pain I caused her, but I resolutely tuck it away. As important as that time will always be to me, it has no place in today's effort. I cannot change what happened then; I can only focus on making the correct decisions today. It is right for us to be together; it is essential for us to be together. She and I agreed on this almost a year ago, and I will not sever that agreement, not for any price.
It is not a long walk from my office to the office of the man I need to see. I do not hesitate to knock on his door; the time for doubt is long past. A subject as important as this begged for an appointment, and so he is waiting to see me. We begin to talk, and I do not blush or stammer. I have prepared for this as I would for any mission, and I know all of my lines and all of the options. I can be serious when I need to be.
He is not surprised. He is a General for a very good reason, after all. He has been aware of the situation for some time now and has even made some quiet efforts to determine what could be done. There will be changes, of course. We cannot work together anymore, and realistically, we shouldn't. We may have loved each other for years, but what we are about to do will still alter the situation dramatically. It is to his credit that he is only slightly irritated. I am asking him to break apart an excellent working team in the middle of a war zone so that two soldiers can take care of their personal needs. I would have understood if he had thrown every punishment he could think of at me, and I would have accepted them all. Except for losing her. Nobody has the right to take her away ever again.
He cautions me about failure. Other people more important than he will not be so understanding. They will not care about the two would-be lovers who desperately need a future together. Some of them will even actively seek to take advantage of that emotion, seeing it as a weakness to be exploited. I appreciate his warning, but remain firm. He has three weeks to figure out a solution, and then all bets are off. I see the biggest flare of temper he's had since I walked into his office. "That sounds like an ultimatum, Colonel."
"I'm sorry, Sir. It's not supposed to. I just made a promise that I intend to keep."
A glance. "To her."
"Yes."
Another long, steely contest of wills and then a grunting assent. He waves me out of his office. I do not return to my office but instead take the elevator to the surface. I walk up to the hill that overlooks the city below and take a seat. It is still early, and I enjoy watching the morning awaken. As the last part of the sun breaks free from the night sky below, I realize that we've won. We asked, and it will be granted. For better or worse, whether others agree or not, we've made our choice.
What determines the measure of a man? I don't know the answer to that any more than I did the day I left Iraq. All I know is that I must try hard to care about the ones that I love, to protect them and act honorably around them. If I succeed in that, then I have done the best that I can do.
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