Thinking Time
Thinking Time
by Erika Kendall
Title: Thinking Time
Author: Erika Kendall
Email:Eken95@aol.com
Status:complete
Category: Sam and Jack, m/f
Rating:G
Season:4
Spoilers:Set at the end of Tangent
Summary: What happens after Jack and Teal'c come aboard Jacob's ship
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters and places are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret Productions. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended. Previously unrecognised characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.
Archive: SJ /Heliopolis
Thinking Time
I watch him from a safe distance. Apart from a quick glance at Teal'c to check that he's ok, I can't keep my eyes away from Jack. I can't stop smiling. I want to touch him and reassure myself that he's really ok.
Before we admitted "feelings" for each other I know I would have been over there, kneeling down beside him and making sure he was all right. No one would have thought anything of it, but that forced admission changed everything. So here we are. I watch him from the other side of the hold, afraid to cross the distance in case I reveal just how much I care. He looks at me.Can he see in my smile what I'm trying to hide?
The others return to the flight deck, but the colonel remains. "You ok Jack?" Dad had asked before he left, and Jack had answered with a wry smile.
"Sure, I guess I just need some time to catch my breath."
I don't leave, but stay to watch him as he sits leaning back against the bulkhead, his head in his hands. He looks exhausted. No surprise given the oxygen deprivation and the hours of helpless waiting. They had been so close to dying, if we'd been a few minutes later.. I felt sick at the thought..
Don't go there Carter, he's here and he's alive. I can't stop thinking about it though. I nearly lost him today. It goes round and round in my head making me think things I shouldn't.
He looks so tired.. He'll be ok, he's strong. But not as strong as I am. I see it in his eyes when he looks at me - he would break, give in to temptation. I know he would. I have to be strong for both of us, I have to hold the line.
My thoughts seem to echo around the hold and I need to fill the silence with words, in case he hears them. "Head still hurting, sir?"
"Oh yeah," he replies with a grimace. "It's amazing how a little thing like having the air run out can give you the mother of all hangovers. All the pain and none of the pleasure." He sighs and rubs his hand across his eyes. "These lights are too damn bright," he complains. "Carter, how long 'till we get home and I can go see Doc Frasier for some aspirin?"
Now I know he's really hurting. He hates going anywhere near the infirmary."Dad estimates about 4 hours. We aren't going straight to Earth. He's taking us to the nearest planet with a Stargate so we can gate home. He thinks it'll be safer that way."
I hear him stifle a groan at the thought of another 4 hours with no pain medication. "Carter how about you come over here and talk to me?" he suggests. "I need to concentrate on something other than this damn headache, or I'm going to throw up all over the deck! Please just don't talk about wormhole physics or the workings of the naquada reactor."
I breathe out slowly. OK I can do this. I can sit beside him and talk. We used to do that a lot. I miss it. I sit down beside him, arms hugging my knees.
"I know how you feel, sir," I assure him. "When I was a kid I used to get migraine headaches so bad I'd sometimes throw up. My Mom learned some massage techniques that seemed to help a lot. I used to say she had magic fingers." I smile at the memory.
"That's a good memory Carter."
I risk a glance at him. He's leaning back with his eyes closed. That's good, he can't look at me, can't give me one of those looks. The ones that tempt me to break my resolve, the ones that say I want you.....and I know you want me.. You're a dangerous man, Jack O'Neill.
He leans forward, head in his hands. "Keep talking Carter."
"Colonel, I'm really sorry. I should have thought to remember some pain killers. I knew this is how anoxia - oxygen deprivation - would affect you."
"Jeez Carter! You just saved my life. I'm sure I can survive a headache."
I still feel guilty. 'Well, help him then', I tell myself. 'Mom used to do it for you, you know it works.' 'I can't do it!' I argue back, 'it's too intimate.' 'Yes, you can, you've got to. He's hurting and you can help him...'
"Colonel how about you let me try Mom's massage technique on you?"
He turns to look at me, amazed at the offer and with something close to panic showing on his face. "Er, no thanks, Carter. I think I'm starting to feel much better."
"Much better? Well that's good, sir, because we still have three hours and fifty minutes flying time left."
"Three hours fifty minutes? Right." He pauses for a moment and then says, "Hey Carter, maybe you could give that massage thing a try?"
"Ok, well you've got to move forward, sir. I need to sit behind you."
"Um Carter, this isn't going to involve any rough stuff is it? I'm feelin' kinda fragile at the moment." But he obediently moves forward to allow me room to kneel behind him.
I can feel him tense up as I move closer, my fingers making gentle circles at his temples. "Look , sir, this is supposed to be relaxing - you feel like you're ready to get up and run away. Don't fight it."
Fight it Sam. What the hell are you doing sitting so close that you can hear him breathing, your fingers touching his face? Run away. But I can't..No, this is ok, isn't it? I'm just helping him. He's my commanding officer. What sort of second in command would I be if I wasn't there when he needed me?
Yeah right, I don't remember this situation being covered in training. If I moved my hand just a little I'd touch his mouth, my fingers would brush his lips.
Ok, get a grip! You can handle it, Sam. He's your commanding officer and it's against the regulations. I repeat it like a mantra. He's your commanding officer and it's against the regulations.
I feel him gradually relax against me as the headache lessens. We sit unspeaking, my hands touching and caressing his skin, as close as lovers.
"Sam, we need to talk," he says quietly. "This isn't going to be easy to say but I need to tell you."
He called me Sam! What does he want to talk about? Maybe he's going to say that all the "feelings" stuff isn't true? That it's just how he felt in the heat of the moment. That he doesn't really care about me..... I feel like I suddenly can't breathe. 'What's the problem, Carter? Isn't this what you wanted? For things to go back to the way they were? Uncomplicated?' 'Yes... I don't know.... NO!' The realization jolts through me. I nearly lost him today and now I don't want things to go back to the way they were. I want more.
I pull my hands from his face and he turns round to face me. "Sam, I had plenty of time to think today...," he says gently. "And all I could think of was you. I want to tell you that I'm not ok with leaving it in the room. I thought I could, but I can't, and I'm asking if you feel the same."
His face is close to mine, and I can't tear my eyes away from his intense dark gaze. "What are you asking, sir? You know we have to be strong We can't take it any further, it's against the.."
"...regulations. Yeah, I know. But what if this isn't being strong? What if blindly following the regulations is taking the easy way out, being weak?"
"What the hell do you mean?" I'm angry now. "You think this is easy? Being with you every day, wanting you and knowing it's not possible!"
"Hey Sam, I didn't say it was easy. I said what if we're taking the easy option because we aren't brave enough to work together to find an alternative. W e travel across the universe, we've saved whole worlds - including our own - faced demons, but we just gave up when it came to us. I think we're worth fighting for." He pauses for a moment. "What do you think?"
I sit looking into his eyes as he waits for my answer and feel my whole known universe come crashing down. Emotions I'd denied for years seem to be setting my body on fire. Can I take the risk and try to find some solution? For years I've played the dutiful daughter, the good soldier and now he was asking me to overthrow all the rules I've lived by. Can I do it?
"Maybe."
His smile lights up his face. "That's good enough for me right now. You can work up to definitely. You know, if we weren't in the cargo hold of your Dad's ship I'd risk kissing you again."
"What do you mean again?" I ask. "Oh, you mean after we visited the Land of Light?" I blush at the memory of how I'd tried to seduce him in the locker room.
"No, I don't mean then. I kissed you when we were looping." He looks at me unsure of my reaction.
"You kissed me!"
"Yeah, and you kissed me back. You said it was the best kiss you'd ever had!"
" I did not! You are making that up!"
"Well ok, the bit about the best kiss, yeah. But I did kiss you." He had a big smile on his face at the memory. I look at him in amazement. "Is there anything else you need to tell me that I don't remember?"
"Carter! No, that's all we did. Anything more will have to wait. I want us both to remember it."
I feel myself blushing again when I realize what he means.
He stands up, and pulls me up to face him. "You know, we're a great team. Together we can achieve anything." He reaches out and caresses my face. We stand looking at each other, wanting more, but Jack steps back.
"Come on, let's go find the others while I can still think straight." He stops and turns to look at me again, his gaze holds mine. "We can do this Sam, I know we can."
And I believe him.
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