None of This Leaves This Room
None of This Leaves This Room
by Elizabeth Hayward
TITLE: None of This Leaves This Room
AUTHOR: Elizabeth Hayward
EMAIL: elizabeth@ratbag.demon.co.uk
CATEGORY: Sam and Jack, Romance
SPOILERS: 100 Days, Forever in a Day, Divide and Conquer
SEASON / SEQUEL: Season 4. Note this is the gen version of a story archived at Heliopolis 2.
RATING: PG-13
CONTENT WARNINGS:
SUMMARY: Sam is having some alarming and vivid dreams that might come true.
STATUS: Complete
ARCHIVE: Heliopolis
DISCLAIMER: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. We have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the authors. Not to be archived without permission of the authors.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: With many thanks and Colonel O'Neill kisses to Erika for beta'ing this fiction for me.
Sam tossed and turned in her bed, the sheets sticking to her in a most unpleasant way. It was hot and stuffy. The air-conditioning must be playing up, she thought. Once again, reality seemed to be become blurred, and dreams re-established themselves.
She was standing in a small, darkened lab again, where Anise-Freya had tested them with the Za'tarc detector machine. The Colonel was standing inches away from her, almost touching, while Freya looked on from a discrete distance. "None of this has to leave this room," she was saying.
The colonel gazed into her eyes until she felt as if she would drown in their velvety brown depths, as if he could possess her with a look. Sam was over-whelmed with the desire to kiss him, to throw away everything just to be with him; but duty paralysed her, and she could only gaze back.
"You OK with that?" he said. His eyes said otherwise. His eyes repeated what his mouth had said a few minutes before: "I'd rather die than lose Carter."
"Yes Sir," she replied.
They held one another's gaze for many minutes, a longing rising in her heart until it was physically painful, and she felt as if she might cry out.
"You OK with that?" her colonel said.
No! No! I'm not OK with that! It's killing me!
"I'd rather die than lose you, Carter."
I'm dying, and I'm losing you.
"I care for you. Much more than I'm supposed to."
I know. But my heart won't obey the regs.
"You OK with that?"
My colonel, my Jack! Kiss me! Her lips met his, their arms entwining one another, pulling each other closer until it was as if they had merged together and become one.
He broke away from her, his arms still wrapped around her, and examined her face, her eyes, her lips as if attempting to memorise every aspect of her appearance. "I care for you. Do you care for me?"
"Much more than I'm supposed to," Sam replied.
"You OK with that?"
"I'd rather die than lose you."
"None of this has to leave this room."
"None of this has to leave this room." He bent to kiss her again. Her lips reached out towards his, but there was nothing there.
She was standing on a bare hillside. She recognised it as Edora, the planet where Colonel O'Neill had been stranded for some 3 months. Daniel was standing next to her, but O'Neill was nowhere in sight.
"I thought he cared for me."
"He did," said Daniel. "He cared for you more than his own life. He couldn't live without you."
"So, where is he?"
"He went back to live with Laira. She loves him and she is obtainable. He can rest in her arms and forget, at least for a moment."
"Forget?"
"Forget that he can never have you."
"I can't bear it."
"What? Him in her arms? Him, kissing her, holding her, exchanging sweet words with her...?"
"Stop it! Stop it!"
"Are you jealous?"
"Of course, Daniel, you know I am! I love him."
Her words were angry and bitter. Daniel's face was impassive.
"But not enough to risk your career? What kind of love is that?"
Sam began to sob. "I am thinking about his career as well!" she retorted.
"His career was over the day you told him to leave it in that room. He tried, but he couldn't live without you."
"'I'd rather die than lose Carter'?"
"He lost you the day he fell in love with you."
"But he didn't die!"
"Look!" said Daniel, pointing to the base of the hill. A group of people were gathered around something. Sam moved closer and saw that it was a grave. A woman, her face obscured by a head-scarf, was throwing wild flowers onto the rough, wooden coffin.
The funeral party looked up as Sam approached. "We're burying him. You OK with that?"
Sam looked down and saw that the coffin was open. The still form of Colonel Jack O'Neill lay in a rough, linen shroud.
"He'd rather die than lose Carter," a man said.
"No!" Sam screamed and ran up the hill, towards the Stargate, her heart pounding and tears streaming down her face and upon arrival at the 'gate, she hurled herself through the open wormhole.
Sam opened her eyes. Her face was wet from tears and she'd thrown the bedclothes onto the floor. The sweat on her body had chilled her, so she scrabbled frantically in the inky blackness, to retrieve the blankets.
She was disorientated and confused, still not yet fully awake to distinguish fantasy from reality. Her heart was still pounding and the grief of her dream-bereavement over-whelmed her.
She turned the lamp on, and sat up on the bed, putting her head in her hands. It was so real. She tasted acid on her tongue, as her imagination taunted her with images of him with Laira and she felt the stabbing pain of grief, remembering his lifeless body lying in the homemade coffin.
Attempting to shake the dream, she put on some pants and slipped out, bare-foot, into the corridor and found herself, some minutes later, in the little room SG1 used as a lounge.
"Hey Sam! Can't sleep either?" Daniel was standing by the table, cup of something in his hand.
"Coffee?" Sam said, curiously.
"No, it's an English drink. Supposed to help you sleep." He picked up a jar and examined the label. "Instant Horlix. I picked it up in London, last time I was visiting. It's got malt in it. Want some?"
Sam nodded. It might be worth a try.
"What's wrong?" said Daniel, sensing something in her eyes. Sam didn't know how he did it, but he always seemed to know exactly how she was feeling, without her saying a word.
She shrugged. "It's nothing, really. Just a bad dream."
Daniel passed the pale brew to her an unspoken question on his face.
"I dreamt that I'd lost someone important to me," she explained, sitting cross-legged on the couch. "It's just that it was so real." She sipped the hot beverage, uncertain if she liked the taste of watery, sweetened malt.
Daniel stared into space, sorrow clouding his features, as if her words had brought a difficult memory to the surface. "You know, after Sha're was taken, I used to dream that she came back to me, but the minute I tried to touch her, or she tried to kiss me, she disappeared." His eyes filled with tears.
Sam put down the cup, deciding finally that she did not like the drink, and standing, embraced her friend. "Shhh! I'm sorry Daniel. I didn't mean to upset you."
"No...no, it's okay," he sniffed. "At least Sha're and I had a year together. When you think about it, some people don't even get that."
"Some people?"
Daniel looked awkward, uncertain as to whether he should have opened that particular can of worms. "There's something I have to tell you, Sam, but I don't know how." He remained in her embrace but looked away and down, as if afraid she would read the thoughts in his head.
"Daniel?"
"You dreamt you lost Jack, didn't you?"
Sam shut her eyes and nodded.
"Sam, w-what...what did you dream?" Daniel's concerned questioning always had more power to extract information than any Inquisition. She told him.
Daniel's features darkened with pain as she concluded her story. "It's true," he said. "At least, the first part is."
"What? What do you mean?"
The look in his eye said more than words. "I mean that part of the dream is true. At least, Jack told me he *is* thinking of returning to Edora and leaving the SGC for good."
Sam shut her eyes, as if by doing so, she could blot out Daniel's words.
"He can't," she breathed. "I'll never see him again."
She knew, though she dare not voice the thought, that Jack O'Neill would not only be lost to her in Laira's arms. He would die on Edora, as he did in the dream.
Daniel held her tighter, and she buried her face in his chest, tears soaking his shirt. "Sam, he can't keep working with you, knowing he can never have you. He has to leave."
Sam looked up into Daniel's eyes. "No! He can't!"
Daniel brushed her cheek lightly with his palm. "Shhhh."
Her heart was pounding, but she was uncertain if it were grief or Daniel's proximity. "I'm not supposed to love him," she breathed.
"I know."
The pain of the emptiness inside her became agonising as she clung to him like an over-hanging branch in a deluge. Daniel's hand brushed her cheek again, and then cupped the back of her head. In an impulse, he brought his lips to hers.
She opened her mouth to protest, but he simply took that as a sign that she was hungry for the kiss, and kissed her more, despair and loneliness transforming into passion. A wave of guilt and confusion washed over Sam, but at this moment, to be kissed, to be held, was all that mattered.
"Oh, Jack!" she sighed.
They both froze. Daniel lifted his head, and he released her from his embrace. "Oh heck, Sam, I'm...I don't know what came over me. I..."
He broke free, his face burning red with embarrassment.
Sam did not break his gaze. "It's OK, Daniel."
He shook his head. "It's not OK. It's not right."
"Maybe it's more right than the alternatives," said Sam, struggling with conflicting emotions. "You're lonely, I'm lonely. Neither of us can have the person we love."
"But it's not right. I can't do this to you, or to Jack, or to myself!"
Tears began to fall down Sam's cheek and she bit her lower lip.
"You...You're in love with Jack." Daniel's face contorted with mental anguish. "He's in love with you. You should be together."
"Daniel, you know that can't happen. He's my commanding officer. It would mean the end of my career."
Daniel's eyes seemed to bore into hers. He grasped her forearms. "Sam, if you lose him, your career will mean nothing to you. You'll be more dead inside than if you'd been taken over by a Goa'uld."
"You lost Sha're. That hasn't happened to you." Sam's words escaped her mouth before she could prevent them. She winced, afraid that she had caused her friend pain, but his features betrayed nothing except a strange, far-away look.
"I gave up everything to be with her, Sam. Everything. Nothing else mattered except that we could be together. I had a year with her, but I would have given my life just for an hour."
Fresh tears started to fall down Sam's face. "Oh Daniel, I'm so sorry. I just wanted to stop hurting."
"Then put a stop to it, Sam. Talk to Jack."
Grasping her hand, he lead her out of the lounge-room into the corridor, and dragged her, protesting, towards the colonel's door.
"You don't understand, Daniel! It's not just about the regs and my career, it's about me. Have you any idea how hard I've had to work, how hard every woman has to work to gain respect in the military? How can I throw all that away by having an affair with my CO?
Daniel stopped and spun round furiously. "You're not getting this, are you? You are *miserable* without him. You spend so much time trying to hold your feelings in, you're forgetting you're a woman!"
Sam had never seen the usually timid archaeologist with such anger in his eyes. His voice rose, either not knowing or not caring that they could be overheard. "Sam, it would be so *easy* to fall in love with you. It would be so uncomplicated, so *sensible*, and don't think for a minute that I've never lied awake in my bed, imagining being in your arms!"
Sam tried to turn away, not wanting to hear what he had to say, a sob escaping from her throat.
"I wanted you back there..." He indicated the lounge-room. "I wanted you so much. But you're not mine to have, and I won't betray my best friends. Either of them."
"Daniel...."
The door in front of them burst open, revealing the sight of a rather stunned and bad tempered, Jack O'Neill. "What the heck are you two doing outside my quarters at 3am?"
"Sir? I'm sorry. W-we didn't realise this was your room. We were just...we were just..." Sam's voice trailed off as she gave up the fight to think of something even remotely appropriate to say.
"You told her, didn't you?" Jack turned accusingly to Daniel, who's guilty expression gave him away.
"Jack, I'm sorry. She left me with no choice. She already knew."
Jack shot a curious look at Sam. "I dreamt about it, Sir."
Sam's eyes fixed on the colonel's, daring him to disbelieve her. "I-it's for personal reasons," he mumbled, as if that would serve as an explanation, and then, warily glancing up and down the corridor, said
"You'd better come in."
Jack closed the door behind them. "Well, if you've come to talk me out of it, Kids, I'm sorry. I'm getting too old to save the planet and I think I deserve a little happiness. God knows, I've had little enough of it to date."
"With Liara?" Sam spoke without looking at him.
"Hey, you jealous?" If Jack was attempting humour, he failed miserably.
Daniel moved back towards the door.
"Hey, hey, Danny-boy! Where'd you think you're off to?"
"Jack, I love Sam too much to take her from you, and she loves you too much to be taken. Stop playing games, you two."
Jack's eyes went from Daniel to Sam and back again.
"Besides," said Daniel, beating a hasty retreat, "it's off-putting making love to a woman who keeps calling me Jack!" The door slammed behind him.
"We just kissed, I swear!" Sam protested, glaring furiously at the door through which the archaeologist had just departed.
"You kissed *Danny*?" Jack was incredulous, and a hint of a smile crossed his face, in spite of himself.
Sam blushed, and looked away again. "I-it was just something silly. He's just exaggerating because he thinks if he makes you jealous..."
"...I'll stay?"
Sam nodded, glancing up and catching his eye for the barest second.
"I can't stay, Carter."
"But why not, sir? What's changed?"
"'None of this leaves this room', you said. Remember? We agreed." Jack spat the words in sudden anger. "I spilled everything for that snake, Anise, and her damned za'tarc machine. What more do you want of me? I can't do it. I'm human!" Jack closed his eyes and shook his head. "I just want to love you, Sam."
"Do you know what you're asking of me, sir?"
He nodded. "More than I deserve, far more. Which is why I'd never ask."
"I don't want to lose my career, sir. But...I can't lose you either. Daniel's right. It wouldn't mean anything without you. Not any more."
Finally, Sam lifted her head and looked into his eyes. They held each other's gaze for some minutes, while time stood still; Listening to the poundings of their own hearts.
Sam knew that Jack would not make the first move. She also knew that if someone did not, she would never see him again. A war was being fought in her heart; between duty and love; between her love for her job and her love for this man, but when she remembered the dream, Jack lying in a coffin, dressed in a linen shroud, something within her began screaming as if it would never stop.
"I'd rather die than lose you, Jack," she said, in barely more than a whisper. He did not reply. Everything had been said.
Nervously, hesitantly at first, they brought their lips together and entwined their arms around one another, fighting the practised impulse to avoid contact.
After a minute, Jack broke free of the kiss and engaged the door-lock with one hand. As he steered her towards the bed, he whispered "If this isn't what you want, tell me."
"It's what I want," she replied, as they kissed again and sank onto the bed.
Sam woke at dawn. The room was pitch black except for the luminous dial of Jack's alarm clock, but a mile and a half above them, the sun was rising over the mountain top in a glory of crimson and gold.
For a few moments, she luxuriated in his presence. His arms were around her waist and she took hold of his hands.
"I love you, Jack."
He murmured in reply. She sighed.
"But for now, none of this has to leave this room."
"You okay with that?" said Jack, startling Sam slightly. She rolled over to face him.
"Yes, darling."
"Yes, darling, *sir*!" There was a mischievous twinkle in his eye, and he kissed her before she could protest. "Hey, it's only quarter to. You haven't got to get out of here until 6am."
"So?"
"So, how about flouting a few more regs? Hey, Major, darling?"
She couldn't resist him. She didn't know how long they could keep their affair secret. She didn't know what would happen, if she'd lose her career or her reputation, but suddenly, after all these months and years of confusion, it didn't matter any more. She loved him. He loved her. It was as simple as that.
She responded to his kiss.
"I definitely care for you more than I'm supposed to," he said,
laughing.
THE END
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